The Cavalier Daily
A srat girl’s introspection
Number 1 Bronfan and Moshe Goldberg Photobomb Superstars
Brace yourself for the raw, powerful insight
See those two standing over there talking? Yeah, you see them. We see them. We all see them. Wait, they just looked at you. What if they’re talking about you? Is your hair done? Crap. Your makeup. You put that on so quickly this morning. Your dress? You look cute today, so don’t worry about it. Do you look cute? People are so judgmental. All they do is talk about clothing and hair and looks. You saw that snarky look she just gave you. So what if you don’t wear Ralph Lauren? I bet she still has a Juicy tracksuit in her closet. Why are people so shallow? What about focusing on a person deep down? Ugh. People. You don’t need them. Why do
you constantly seek validation? Let them say what they want about you. You’re a strong, independent woman. Stand up for yourself. Jailbreak the patriarchy. Wear sweatpants because you can. Because you’re comfortable. Be you. Yeah. Who needs their opinion? Wait. Are they talking about you? Seriously, though. They could be talking about you. What are they saying? Well, I guess, if we think about it analytically, those two people each know hundreds of people, if not thousands. Between the two of them, they know dozens of people if not hundreds in common. They go to the same university after all, and the place just isn’t that big. Come to think of it, they’re both in U-Guides or Honor or StudCo.
One of those, we mean. They all just blend together. But seriously. Why do you think you’re so special that they’re talking about you? They probably don’t care about you. Think of all the other people they could be talking about. There are people over there. That guy next to you is kind of cute. And that couple over there is so cute the way they’re holding hands. Why do you only meet guys at parties? Why can’t you and a guy be cute and hold hands like that? Wait, what? Oh. Actually, they’re not talking about anyone in particular. I think they’re talking about the weather. I mean, it has been snowing a lot and stuff. Kind of makes sense, right? Why did you think they were
talking about you? What did you do to deserve that kind of attention? You’re not all that. Trust us. We know. In the long run, we’ll all have like no impact on the world. Or U.Va. We’re here for four years. That’s almost nothing. We’re just small specks. And our particular time is but one tiny sliver of time in the great scope of history. And isn’t there more out there than history? Before history? After it? Alternate dimensions? We’re just grains of sand washed away in a sea of time. A great blue sea of time. So meta. Like a really meta blue sea of time. Sea blue. I mean, that color’s so in right now. We should order our long-sleeve srat tees in that color. Those would be so cute. But they would be kind of similar to
Kappa’s, and theirs were so ugly. Who has long-sleeve tees like that? What would those girls over there say? What was I saying? Oh, yeah. I should give you takeaways from this column. My editors want takeaways. Ah, yeah. Takeaways. So, let’s go with people are shallow, you’re not all that and your existence is meaningless. Oh, and sea blue, which is totally in. Sea blue is probably the main takeaway from this column. And meta, because that’s always a thing. Moshe and Marshall write columns whenever they feel like it. They don’t fit into some schedule that the man tells them to. F*** the man. F*** all men.
Love Connection: Double-Swipe Dean and T-Sully Double-Swipe Dean takes T-Sully to O’Hill
Double-S Year: 29thwipe Dean Ideal Date: (not kidding!) Ideally som university eone well-to -do, and hea Ideal Date d of a prest A ct iv it y : O'Hill Lat Deal Break igious resear ch Describe a ers: People who likee-night any day of th ty R e p u ic w n a ee k l weekend: k start swipin full swin g people in for oI wake up on Saturd s at about 7 probablygmat 9:30 when the oumr continental breakay :30 a. have plenty y favorite meal of thelet station starts sifast. Things really gm. to Hobbies: 20 of energy to swipe e week. I like to tu zzling. O'Hill brunet into What ma 00s pop music, ID people in with m rn in early at night ch is so I imum effi you've beeknes you a good catch? cards and makingax first-year fr ciency. I've been w What is you alive. ie o n rk d in s g at O'Hill What's yo r spirit animal? longer than yours? ur favorite pick-upLliions. I'm jealous of th n e? ei r I' man . ve lost my ID Describe number...es rough andyourself in one senten Can I have crispy on th ce: Like an O'Hill chic e outside b ken ut warm an d tender onsandwich, I'm the inside.
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Alex Love Stalker
Failed (but hopeful) Love Guru
Double-Swipe Dean and T-Sully met at the Rotunda at 6:15 p.m. and went to O'Hill. Dean: It was cold and foggy. We met at the Rotunda around 6:15 p.m. so we could be right between the 6 p.m. and 7 p.m. rushes. T-Sully: I suggested the Fresh Food Company, but Dean insisted that nobody calls it that and told me in an aggressive tone, "Newcomb is no O'Hill." He even offered to guest-swipe me in. Dean: I usually like to keep the atmosphere upbeat with some funky 2000s pop and sports on the big TV, but this time was special. I had Chavis from the sandwich station put on some Frankie on the radio and “The Bachelor” on TV. Juan Pablo doesn't intimidate me. T-Sully: I went straight for the tater tots. It wasn't even tater-tot Tuesday! What a treat. I think the Hoo Street Grill was really on top of things for Days on the Lawn. Dean: The conversation got going pretty fast, but there were a few hiccups. Sullivan mentioned something about Miss Kathy at Newcomb being really sweet, but c'mon, have you seen the lunch line there? T-Sully: Dean seemed like a sweet guy. He was quite passionate about his role of getting people into O'Hill as soon as possible. I really enjoyed the ice milk. It's nice to see that we're offering these low-fat choices to the youth of America. Dean: I loaded up on loaded baked potato pizza. It's really great that we can get so creative for Meat-Free Monday.
I heard some sassy first-year say that O'Hill's pizza is mediocre. He clearly hasn't tried the Loaded Baked Potato or Chicken Barbecue. T-Sully: There was one funny moment. I asked him to pass me some pepper, which he passed behind his back and dropped. It was very rude of him. He reminded me of Helen Dragas in that regard. Dean: Once “New York, New York” came on, I knew the tone was set. I was certainly getting my flirt on, and I could feel T-Sully reciprocating. I'm sure I'm a breath of fresh air after all those stuffed shirts she has to work with everyday. T-Sully: I was secretly hoping he'd offer to splurge some Plus Dollars on me at The Chop House, but no such luck. He was definitely my type; I like 'em scruffy, although I'm not sure if our personalities were compatible. Dean: I was having a really good time, so I offered to take her to Starbucks with some of the EMPSU coupons I've been stashing away. T-Sully: I tried to order a venti cinnamon apple spice tea, but the rude lady at the counter informed me that I can only get a grande with EMPSU, so I settled for that. It was really sweet of Dean to pay for me, though. Dean: Starbucks' hot chocolate is nothing compared to O'Hill's, but I wanted to show Sully a good time, so I let it slide. T-Sully: I'd rate the date an 8.5. Dean is a great guy. Dean: I asked her for her ID number, but she would only give me her computing ID. Still, she said she hopes I'll email her. I'm thinking about asking her to Mexican Monday next week. I would rate the date a 9.