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Stowaway Editing Samples


Deep in the Heart of Dallas Type:

light substantive edit

Description: The following is an

article written for the “Away for a Week� department of Stowaway Magazine. My edit was one of several during the editing process. I have included my edit along with the final version.


The man was tall that walked over to our table. He bent forward, hovering over my newly delivered Texan steak. “I’m putting twenty dollars in the band’s tip jar to see you do the chicken dance.” I was left staring dumbfounded as he walked over to the stage, put in the twenty dollars and made his request to the country band—all before I could utter a response. When the band began playing the music, I (a painfully introverted native of Seattle) nervously stood. I knew I was about to make a fool of myself. It didn’t take long, however, before half of the restaurant guests had joined mewere there on the dance floor with their plaid shirts, leather boots and cowboy hats—but none of us knew what we were doing. It took most of the song for us to figure it out, but it was a fun and hilarious process as we watched each other move awkwardly off beat. That night, I learned what it was like to bond with a community. And I learned it in Dallas, Texas. The people we meet in the places we visit can be as much of an attraction as the places themselves. So as you’re planning your next trip, consider visiting these fun places in Dallas for a chance to meet new

Comment [CMB1]: I suggest we divide this first paragraph here. Readers may be intimidated by a long intro paragraph. You may have a better way to divide this paragraph, but I suggest dividing it here because it’s the end of the scenario.

people, have a good time, and of course, get a taste of southern hospitality. Trail Dust That memorable evening of chicken dancing occurred within the walls of “Trail Dust,” an authentic truly Texan restaurant. As you walk in the entrance, the walls are covered in the severed ties of people who have come expecting to dine formally. If having your tie chopped off doesn’t tell you that this is going to be a “down home country experience,” seeing a large metal slide going through the middle of the restaurant should give it away. The live country music, open dance floor (see above story) and famous, giant and delicious southern steaks combine to make the perfect Texan dining experience, proving that the only thing bigger than a Texan’s heart is his stomach. http://traildust.com/index.php State Fair of Texas

Comment [CMB2]: I recommend this URL instead because it looks cleaner and sends readers to the same site as the longer one. Comment [CMB3]: It may be important to inform the reader that the state fair is not open year round. I suggest we include an approximate span of time during the year when visitors can expect the fair to be open, regardless of the year.


With big hearts come big feelings. Many cities have symbols or monuments that represent the heart and soul of its people. For most Texans, that monument goes by the name of “Big Tex.” Standing 52 feet tall, Big Tex has been the iconic symbol of the State Fair of Texas for 61 years. In October 2012, Big Tex was destroyed by an internal, electrical fire, initiating a state-wide grieving period like none I had ever seen. But the Texans did not stay down long, and they have already erected the new and improved Big Tex, so you can still expect to receive his warm greeting when visiting the fair. However, Big Tex certainly isn’t the only attraction at the fair. After passing the iconic greeter, you’re sure to notice the Texas Star, one of the tallest Fferris wheels in the nation. It’s a great and relaxing ride for those who enjoy the thrill of high altitudes, or just want a great view of the city. After filling your gut with the many manifestations of trans-fats, eEnjoy carnival rides and games, listen to a concert, watch

Comment [CMB4]: I noticed that this sentence refers to cities but the example that follows cite a whole state. I suggest that we change this sentence to say “May states have symbols …” If you think the above statement is no longer true, perhaps we can change “cities” to something more ambiguous, like “groups of people” – unless it would be correct to say that Big Tex represents the heart and soul of Dallas rather than all of Texas. Comment [CMB5]: This may be interpreted to mean that all Texans agree the “Big Tex” represents the heart and soul of Texas, but some Texans call that monument something different. Comment [CMB6]: Giving a specific time instead of the year he first became the symbol may “date” the article. I understand that the time period is impressive, but would be consider changing it to be “since 1952”?

the bird or bike shows, or reignite your creative side with pumpkin carving and face painting.

Comment [CMB7]: Checked Big Tex facts on http://www.bigtex.com/sft/AboutUs/BigTex.a sp

Afterwards, iIf you start feeling the pangs of hunger, grab some of the fair’s famous deep-fried food—

Comment [CMB8]: Checked m-w.com

but since we are talking about Texas, don’t limit yourself to chicken. At the fair you can try anything deep-fried: deep-fried cotton candy, deep-fried Coke, deep-fried Doritos pizza, deep-fried butter, deepfried bacon cinnamon rolls, and it goes on. This interminable list of deep-fried foods owes its variety to the spirit of competition which inspires these crazy but tasty combinations. After filling your gut with the many manifestations of trans-fats, enjoy carnival rides and games, listen to a concert, watch the bird or bike shows, or reignite your creative side with pumpkin carving and face painting. As the largest state fair in the US, the State Fair of Texas really has it all. http://www.bigtex.com/sft/ Mesquite ProRodeo Finally, your trip to Dallas wouldn’t be complete without a visit to the Mesquite ProRodeo. There is nothing like sitting up against a rodeo-loving southerner while dirt and dung are flown into the air as you stare at a group of masochistic cowboys lined up to have themselves tossed around on hyped-up horses

Comment [CMB9]: I recently found out that the rivalry football game between the University of Oklahoma and the University of Texas at Austin happens on the fairgrounds during the fair. Would you consider mentioning the rivalry game in the article? http://www.bigtex.com/sft/Entertainment/Co llegeFootballCentral.asp ... Comment [CMB10]: I noticed that this paragraph was also rather long. I suggest that we break it into 2 smaller paragraphs: one ... Comment [CMB11]: I found myself confused with how being in Texas had to do with limiting oneself to chicken. I suggest we... Comment [CMB12]: “Doritos” does not need to be followed by trademark symbol. Checked Chicago 8.152 Comment [CMB13]: It is correct that these are “bacon cinnamon rolls” that are deepfried? Comment [CMB14]: I recommend the shorter URL because it redirects to the longer URL and looks cleaner. Comment [CMB15]: Is the rodeo open year round? If it is, I think we should include that information. If it is not, I suggest we include an approximate span of time during the year...


Rising Star in Theater: Washington, DC Type:

light substantive edit

Description: The following is an

article written for the “Arts� department of Stowaway Magazine. My edit, indicated in red, was one of several during the editing process. I have included my edit along with the final version.


Bryce, The research you put into their article really shows through. I think that the article is really starting to take shape. I think that it can improve even more if we can tighten our angle and make sure that what we think the article is saying and what it is actually saying are the same. Throughout the article, I have tried to focus in on the message being sent to our readers. Some of the edits may look intimidating. I suggest that you try reading the article without the markup before going back to look at how I have rearranged and modified your work. Let me know if you have any questions, Catherine Rising Star: The Artistry of Washington, DC One of the underground aspects of the world of performing arts is the collection of highquality theaters in the Washington, DC, area. This article examines the ways one small but powerful community of theater professionals has established a name for itself and changed the future of American theater.

this heart of our

Comment [CMB1]: I’m not sure that these goals are actually fulfilled. Also, I am confused about whether the DC community is small (as indicated here) or large (as indicated in the section “Establishing a Community”). Formatted: Indent: First line: 0"

What do you think of when you hear Washington, DC? Perhaps, the Capitol building? Or the National Mall? How about professional theatre? It

if you answered n

to the last. However, M mention professional theater but work going on rising star.

here. Not only is DC a great theater town,

Comment [CMB2]: The article begins with the National Mall and then quickly changes to theatre. I worry that the switch it too sudden without making the necessary connections. Is the first sentence important to the article? What is its purpose? I assume you are trying to point out what people usually think of when you mention Washington, DC. However, I think you should take the direction of either what people think of when you mention DC or what people think of when you mention professional theater. The suggested change I have made takes the first approach. Comment [CMB3]: I don’t know that this is demonstrated in the article. We discuss awards won, shows successfully written or rewritten in DC, the innovation demonstrated, and the size of the community. All of these discuss static representations of success rather than improvement over time.


Formatted: Indent: First line: 0"

An Overlooked Community Theater towns like New York City and Chicago have always cast long shadows over the DC theater community and other theater communities. Many members of the DC theater community share the same sentiments as Dan Pruksarnukul, casting director at Arena

huge city yet. A lot of people are sensitive about the competition with NYC and Chicago,

A Respected CommunityMaking a Name

However, Theater towns like New York City and Chicago have always cast long shadows over smaller theater communities. But h professional theater: Not all good (or even great) shows are always found on Broadway. Although the DC community currently has a low profile with the public, DC has proven itself to be a force to be reckoned with. In 2012,For example, the Signature Theatre (Arlington, VA) received the Tony Award for Regional Theatre in 2009; so did the Shakespeare Theatre Company (Washington, DC) received the Tony Award for Regional


Theatrein 2012. Arena Stage in DC helped revise the musical Next to Normal after it tanked in Off-Broadway venues; afterward, the show garnered several Tony Awards and a Pulitzer Prize. These success stories are not exceptions, but representative of the quality of theater being produced in DC.Musical theater is part of the vitality of US culture: after all, most people have seen or at least heard of Les Misérables, Wicked, and Phantom of the Opera to name a few.

Many successful Broadway shows have gotten their start in DC, being written and rewritten before making it to New York. Arena Stage in DC helped revise the musical Next to Normal after it tanked in Off-Broadway venues; afterward, the show garnered

Comment [ML5]: I’m not really sure how this fits in with this paragraph. I wonder if it would fit better in the introduction if you discuss why theater is important/why the reader should care that DC has a thriving theater scene in the first place. If people see these names from the beginning, that might remind them that theater is a part of US culture. Comment [CMB6]: I agree that this sentence does not seem to fit into the paragraph. The rest of the paragraph discusses small theaters’ successes, but this sentence focuses on musical theater (a different subset of theatre) and its importance. However, I disagree in part with the comment above because I don’t feel like it fits into the introduction as it is currently written. Comment [ML7]: Could we include a few examples of musicals that were originally written in DC. You include a rewritten example, but it might be interesting to see an original as well.

several Tony Awards and a Pulitzer Prize.

An Innovative CommunityTranscending BusinessForming Connections

dedication to creating art rather than profit.Even though the sheer community is smaller than New York , its membersthey more than make up for their small numbersit in innovationquality. Bigger theatres are often hesitant to houseHousing new plays and musicals are often risky because they have not previously been front of audiences and are considered risky business ventures. but somebody has to do it.

Comment [CMB4]: It seems odd that we introduce the idea of DC theatre and then backtrack in the first paragraph to discuss smaller theater communities in general only to focus specifically on DC in the next paragraph. I am concerned that this will break up the flow of the article. Perhaps we can rearrange the sections. I have included a suggested rearrangement as version “04_rearranged.”

they avoid Instead of sacrificing

innovation to produce shows strictly for ticket sales. By funding their operations through

Comment [CMB8]: I agree with this comment. I think more examples will help us flesh this paragraph out. At its current length, I am inclined to try to make it part of the previous paragraph. Comment [CMB9]: This heading doesn’t seem to match with this section, which only consists of the paragraph on innovation. I have changed it to one suggestion that I came up with. Comment [CMB10]: According to mw.com, “sheer” used as an adjective is “used to emphasize the large amount, size, or degree of something.” This contradicts the image we have painted so far of DC’s theatre being small. I suggest we delete it or find a different adjective to replace it. Comment [CMB11]: We should modify this pronoun to match the singular nature of its antecedent (community). Comment [CMB12]: The rest of this paragraph seems to discuss innovation rather than quality. One could argue that innovation leads to better quality, but that would require its own paragraph.


community fundraising events, these, community donations allow nonprofit theaters to foster the creation of interesting works that challenge audiences and blaze new trails.Every year many nonprofit theaters, which comprise the majority in DC, host community fundraising events. Instead of sacrificing innovation to produce shows strictly

Comment [CMB13]: Checked Chicago 5.220. “To comprise is ‘to be made up of, to include’ {the whole comprises the parts}. To compose is ‘to make up, to form the substance of something’ {the parts compose the whole}.”

for ticket sales, community donations allow nonprofit theaters to foster the creation of interesting works that challenge audiences and blaze new trails. Housing new plays and musicals are often risky because they have not previously been audiences but somebody has to do it. For example,

upcoming 2013 14

season will produce no less than four world premieres in its eight-show season.

A Well-Establish Community

This dedication to art has created a flourishing theater community. DC-based choreographer, Karma Camp, said this:

more regional

theaters than any other city in the United States. It continues to grow and flourish in the

nationwide organization of well-established professional theaters, six LORT theaters reside in the DC area, which is more than most cities can claim New York and three more than even Chicago.

Establishing a Community

Comment [CMB14]: If you find the changes in this paragraph to be too drastic, I recommend we instead move the “instead” phrase to the end of this sentence. I think that this will help the transition between this sentence and the previous to be more smooth, which will help readers follow the argument you are making. Comment [CMB15]: Based on the paragraph above, my understanding is that Signature is a theater company based in Virginia. However, the focus of this article is the DC theatre community. Therefore, I think it would be more appropriate for us to use a different example. Comment [CMB16]: This section seems to discuss the strength of the community rather than now the community was established. I would suggest a subtitle such as “A Strong Community” but this doesn’t follow the pattern of the subtitles beginning with a gerund. Comment [ML17]: Good quotes. Do you think we could maybe use this closer to the beginning when introducing DC’s rising stardom? There are a lot of great quotes in the article, and it might be nice to spread them throughout. Comment [CMB18]: From the first paragraphs of the first two sections of the article, I got the impression that the DC theatre community was small. However, this paragraph states the exact opposite. How can we counteract this misconception in our readers? I suggest that we rephrase those sections in the first two sections. Comment [CMB19]: This section seems to discuss the strength of the community rather than now the community was established. I would suggest a subtitle such as “A Strong Community” but this doesn’t follow the pattern of the subtitles beginning with a gerund.


One DC-based choreographer, Karma Camp, said this:

ork City, DC has

more regional theaters than any other city in the United States. It continues to grow and

Theatres (LORT), a nationwide organization of well-established professional theaters, six LORT theaters reside in the DC area, which is more than most cities can claimcould say. even Chicago. Everyone knows everyone, and the community is very warm and friendly.

Despite the growth and success, the community has its challenges. Many share the same sentiments as Dan Pruksarnukul, casting director at Arena Stage, when he says,

Comment [ML20]: Good quotes. Do you think we could maybe use this closer to the beginning when introducing DC’s rising stardom? There are a lot of great quotes in the article, and it might be nice to spread them throughout. Comment [CMB21]: From the first paragraphs of the first two sections of the article, I got the impression that the DC theatre community was small. However, this paragraph states the exact opposite. How can we counteract this misconception in our readers? I suggest that we rephrase those sections in the first two sections. Comment [CMB22]: This sentence does not seem to fit into this paragraph. The rest of the paragraph discusses size of the DC theatre community, but this sentence brings in the completely new idea of the community being close knit and friendly.

as a huge city yet. A lot of people are sensitive about the competition with NYC and Chicago, so we pick up on that attitude Since DC is only a three-hour drive from New York, there is a lot of collaboration between the two regions, the most principle examples being Eric Schaeffer and Michael Kahn. They are the artistic directors of Signature and Shakespeare Theatre, respectively, who have frequently directed Broadway productions.

Overall, the community here

tal is described best by Janine Sobeck,

former artistic associate at the Arena Stage intelligent, got-their-lives-together kind of community. DC already is a great theater town, and they just want people to

Comment [CMB23]: Beginning with this sentence, the second half of this paragraph is no longer about the challenges faced by the DC theatre community. The fact that DC and NY theatres collaborate is interesting but does not seem to fit into the article as it is currently written.


So, if you ever find yourself wanting

to see a show

Formatted: Indent: First line: 0"

through the museums and parks, now you know that you can indulge yourself without even leavinganother side of the capital. Once you experience The Washington, DC , area has a repertoire of high-quality live theater, (the original 3D) that will leave you wondering

this part of town before.

Check out these useful websites for show reviews, ticket purchasing, and local theater news.

Comment [ML24]: Are there a group of theaters that make up this part of town? Is there a specific part of the city you can reference? Is it near any landmarks? I do like this as a concluding sentence, and I think if we are already aware of where exactly this part of town is, that would add to the strength of this conclusion. Nice job! I’m excited to see the finished product. Comment [CMB25]: I agree that this sentence will be strengthen if we known what part of town is being discussed.

www.theatrewashington.org www.dctheatrescene.com www.washingtonpost.com

Comment [ML26]: Good sources, and it’s nice that you include multiple.


Rising Star in Theater: Washington, DC One of the hidden gems of the performing arts world is the collection of high-quality theaters in and around Washington, DC. This small but powerful community of theater professionals has established a name for itself and is changing the future of American theater. Theater is part of the vitality of US culture. When you mention theater, many people think of Broadway musicals like Les Misérables, Wicked, or The Phantom of the Opera. By association, New York City usually comes to mind, not the professional theater community that is only four hours’ drive away in Washington, DC. When you visit our nation’s capital, you may be tempted to focus your time on the National Mall and other spectacular locations that are unparalleled in distinction. But there’s also a lot of exciting, innovative, and electrifying theater going on here. DC is not only a great theater town but also a rising star. Making a Name Theater towns like New York City and Chicago have always cast long shadows over smaller theater communities. But here’s the thing you need to know about professional theater: not all good (or even great) shows are found on Broadway. For example, Signature Theatre in Arlington, Virginia, received the Tony Award for Regional Theatre in 2009, and the Shakespeare Theatre Company in Washington, DC, won the same award in 2012. Many successful Broadway shows got their start in DC, being written and rewritten before making it to New York. Arena Stage in DC helped revise the musical Next to Normal after it tanked in Off-Broadway venues. Afterward, the show garnered several Tony Awards and a Pulitzer Prize. Similarly, the Tony Award–winning Million Dollar Quartet originated at Signature Theatre. Forming Connections Even though DC’s theater community is smaller than New York’s, its members more than make up for their smaller numbers in innovation. Theaters in other regions are often hesitant to house new plays and musicals because these have not been previously tested in front of audiences and are therefore considered risky business ventures. But because the majority of DC’s theaters are nonprofit, they favor innovation over strictly for-ticket sales when deciding whether to produce a show. By funding their operations through community fundraising events, these nonprofit theaters foster the creation of interesting works that challenge audiences and blaze new trails. The enormous financial support from the local residents demonstrates the incalculable value that the arts have in the DC region. Signature’s current 2013–14 season will have produced no fewer than four world premieres in its eight-show season.


Establishing a Community DC-based choreographer Karma Camp says, “Next to New York City, DC has more regional theaters than any other city in the United States. It continues to grow and flourish in the theater world.” And she’s right. The League of Resident Theatres (LORT)—a nationwide organization of well-established professional theaters—has six theaters in the DC area. That’s three more than in Chicago and only one fewer than in New York. Despite its growth and success, the DC theater community has its challenges. Dan Pruksarnukul, casting director at DC’s Arena Stage, says, “We do have a chip on our shoulder; we know we’re not seen as a huge city yet. A lot of people are sensitive about the competition with NYC and Chicago, so we pick up on that attitude.” One solution may be collaboration. Instead of competing, there is a lot of cooperation between DC and New York. The principal examples of this exchange of talents are Eric Schaeffer and Michael Kahn, the artistic directors of Signature and Shakespeare Theatres respectively, who have frequently directed Broadway productions, such as Million Dollar Quartet and Show Boat. There are also many actors in New York City and DC who will temporarily work in the other region on a show, later moving back home. Overall, the DC theater community is described best by Janine Sobeck, former artistic associate at Arena Stage: “DC is just a great town. It’s a very sharp and intelligent, got-their-lives-together kind of community. DC already is a great theater town, and they just want people to know it.” If you’ve never thought about heading to see a show after a long day’s journey through DC’s museums and parks, now you know that you will be in good hands. Once you experience DC’s repertoire of high-quality live theater—the original 3D— you’ll wonder why you’ve never visited this part of town before. theatrewashington.org dctheatrescene.com Bryce Peterson


SCUBA: Take the Plunge! Type:

light substantive edit

Description: The following is an

article written for the “Just the Ticket� department of Stowaway Magazine. My edit, indicated in light red, was one of several during the editing process. I have included my edit along with the final version.


ScubaCUBA by Lauren Dyas

Comment [CMB1]: Checked m-w.com I have replaced all other instances of “SCUBA” with “scuba.”

Lauren, Great job on this article! I love your personal scenario. I think it will really draw readers in and answer the question, “Why do I care about scuba certification?” I can tell that you did a lot of research of the article. I hope that you do not become overwhelmed by all the comments and edits. Most of the edits were made in an attempt to try to shorten the article since our word count is currently longer than the amount allotted. Many of the comments are for source checking. I looked it up, and this article is allocated a two-page spread in the current pagination of the magazine. I think that we can make a good case for getting another page for this article. When we are making our case to Kayla and Rachel, we should make sure to point out that our readers (Julie, Alicia, and I) want to know more information when the article is already longer than the allotted word count. Let me know if you have any questions, Catherine

In preparation for a family While planning a trip to Hawaii, all my siblings were getting scuba certified. Not me, though; a veritable homebody, I was terrified to even try. After weeks of coercionmotivational speeches and cajolingnew tactics to convince me, I grudgingly agreed something finally clicked and I decided to get certified too. Learning to SCUBA dive was one of the most pivotal moments in my life. Being in the beautiful ocean, 80 feet underwater (and breathing!), with remarkable animals surrounding me, I realized I had never seen or experienced anything so exhilarating before. After this experience, everything began to unfold: I rode roller coasters, took up snowboarding, went sky diving, and studied abroad in Mexico.The fear and the excitement of it changed me and my life hasn’t been the same since. I plan to tighten these first 2 paragraphs even more, but am still trying to figure out how. Suggestions?

Like me, you can begin a whole new chapter in your life—or maybe just start your next adventure, by taking the Open Water course. This course leads to Open Water certification, an entry-level full diver certification for scuba diving. After completing this course, you will be

Comment [CMB2]: I think this is a dangling modifier since it was not just you sibling who were planning the trip. Comment [AS3]: Would you consider specify this phrase? Can you pinpoint anything specific? Comment [LM4]: So, what actually happened was that my brother called me a wuss and that’s when it clicked. But I cut that part out as I was trimming (and I still have to trim even more). Should I just take out this phrase completely? Comment [CMB5]: I pulled this information and wording from you first draft because I think that it succinctly and specifically demonstrates the idea of your experience changing your life. Comment [AS6]: Do you think you could tell us how? For example, did it change how you tackle new things? Comment [LM7]: Again, I would love to add more, but it needs to be shorter still. If this is a part that really needs explanation, I could say something like, “…changed my perspective" if that helps at all. Or I can explain even more if necessary. What are your thoughts? Comment [AS8]: Have you considered completely taking out the personal experience? You could trim the whole introduction down to "Do you have trouble trying new things? Or do you love trying new things? Try this!" Comment [CMB9]: I think that you should keep the personal experience. I think it really draws the read in. Comment [CMB10]: I suggest prefacing the steps to certification by introducing the idea of different levels of certification, specifying what level the reader will become certified at, and explaining what the level means. This will help readers know exactly what they will be signing up for. I think it also helps clarify that the course is required and that all the steps are part of the course, something I didn't realize when I first read the article. Comment [CMB11]: I found this information at this website: http://www.dive-florida.com/about-divecertifications/


certified to dive to 60 feet whenever you're accompanied by someone else with Open Water certification or a higher certification level. The Open Water course can be broken down into Here are 5seven easy steps to get your own open water SCUBA certification so you, too, can start your newest adventure.

Comment [CMB12]: I found this information at this website: http://scuba.about.com/od/certificationope nwater/a/openwatercert.htm Comment [CMB13]: Checked Stowaway style guide 4.1 Formatted: Tab stops: 2", Left

1. Learn to swim Many people have this step under their belts already, but not all do. To get certified, yYou’ll be asked to swim approximately 200 yards and to tread water for ten minutes. It may sound difficult, but even if you just spent your childhood summers casually swimming frog style in the pool, you should be fine. You don’t need good form; you just need to be able to do it.

2. Meet the Age RequirementBe at least 12 years old You can get fully certified if you are age 15 or older and junior certified if you are between age 12 (10 at some dive agencies) and 15.By age 12 (some dive agencies will even allow age 10), you can get a junior certification and by age 15 you can get fully certified.

3. Have (or save up) money It usually costs between US$100 and $500 to get certified. The reason for the huge price range is because of all the options. You can take an online course or you can take an in-

Comment [CMB14]: Although this adds character to the article, I recommend that you remove this sentence because we need to significantly shorten the piece. Comment [CMB15]: Wikihow states that you just need to be able to float for 10 minutes. (http://www.wikihow.com/Become-aCertified-Scuba-Diver) Comment [LM16]: Do I need to explain the difference between junior and not? Do I even need to bring up that there is a junior certification rather than a regular open water certification? Comment [CMB17]: I know that the article is already too long, but I recommend that you include a sentence about the different between junior and full certification. (According to about.com all divers must dive with someone with the same or higher certification level, and junior divers must dive with someone who is also 18 or older. This brings up the idea of different levels of certification beyong junior and full (e.g. Divemaster).

classroom course. You can take private lessons or group lessons. You can buy gear or rent gear.

Comment [CMB18]: Checked Stowaway style guide 4.4

Step 4 will talk more about different class options. As for gear, it may be less expensive and easier to rent

Comment [CMB19]: Looked at example in Chicago 9.21

gear, especially if you plan only to SCUBA dive on a few occasions or during travels. Renting allows you to leave the stress of packing your gear behind you. It’s cheaper too! But if you plan to take up SCUBA diving as a life-long hobby, it may be worth it to buy your own gear. You can always leave it at home and simply rent while you’re on vacation. You can find a list of necessary equipment at http://www.padi.com/scuba/scuba-gear/intro-to-scuba-dive-equipment/default.aspx or through the company where you decide to get certified.

43. Pass the Written TestTake the class and do practice dives You are required to pass a written test that tests your knowledge of how to be a safe diver and [fill in]. Don’t stress about it; it isn’t long. You can prepare for the test by taking ae the class online or, or you can take it in a classroom. The classroom option will often be by a pool so

Comment [LM20]: Can we have long URLs or should leave that part out? I could do a sidebar with necessary equipment? Or just say that they can find out through the company where they decide to get certified. Comment [AS21]: This whole chunk could be deleted for the sake of word count, which needs to be halved. Comment [LM22]: I think it’s delete-able. It wasn’t part of my first draft, but Julie said she wanted more details about what would make it more or less expensive. Comment [CMB23]: I think this section can be divided into 3 more specific sections: the written test, the confined water dives, ... Comment [CMB24]: Instead of using this section to discuss the pros and cons of online and classroom based classes, I ...


that you can easily do the required confined water dives with your instructor’s help. The benefit of taking the class online is that you go at your own pace and you learn when and where you want to. The classroom, though, gives you more opportunities to ask questions and get personal attention. After you’ve learned all you need to know, you’ll have to pass a written test. Don’t stress about it; it isn’t long. Just make sure you pay attention in class and know how to be a safe diver. After the test, you’ll need to do at least 2 open water dives (usually in the ocean or a lake).

Comment [CMB25]: Required confined water dives were mentioned in the section above. Do you have to complete the written test before you do them? How many confined water dives are required? Do you have to complete them with an instructor present? Formatted: Font: Bold Formatted: Tab stops: 4.26", Left Formatted: Font: Bold Formatted: Font: Bold

4. Complete Confined Water Dives

5. Complete Open Water Dives After you pass the written test, you’ll need to do at least 2 open water dives (usually in the ocean or a lake) with a dive instructor.

6. Be Prepared to Pay It usually costs between $100 and $500 to get certified. The price varies depending on several options: You can prepare for the written test on your own or by taking an online or inclassroom course. You can complete the confined and open water dives in private or group lessons. You can buy or rent the gear used during the confined and open water dives.

Comment [CMB26]: Wikihow stated that 4 open water dives are necessary. Does this depend on where you are certified? (http://www.wikihow.com/Become-aCertified-Scuba-Diver) What did you use as a source? Does it depend on the state in which you get certified? Formatted: Indent: First line: 0.5" Comment [CMB27]: If you get permission to extend the article, I suggest you briefly address the time commitment, what you do during the dive, and whether it is a checklist item or it is a test you need to pass for both confined and open water dives. Comment [CMB28]: I recommend that we move this section towards the end of the article because it allows us to discuss how the price for certification varies depending on how you choose to complete the steps discussed above. Formatted: Indent: First line: 0.5"

567. Pick Uup Your Certification Card

Comment [CMB29]: Checked Stowaway style guide 4.4

Once you finish your open water dives, your instructor will either give your SCUBA Open Water

Comment [CMB30]: Looked at example in Chicago 9.21

Diver Certification card to you or tell you where to pick it up. Don’t forget this step since you’ll most likely need to show it when renting or buying scuba gear. Your instructor will either give the cardit to you or tell you where to go to pick it up. Now that you have your scuba certification card, Then you’rell be ready to explore the underwater world!

Comment [CMB31]: About.com mentions the possibility of studying the textbook and videos on your own. (http://scuba.about.com/od/certificationop enwater/a/openwatercert.htm) Comment [CMB32]: I made a guess about what the private or group lessons refer to. Let me know whether the lesson are actually for something else. Comment [CMB33]: Is this the official name of the certification card? I was only able to find this name used on a few websites: ... Formatted: Indent: First line: 0.5"

Sidebar:

Comment [CMB34]: Are you still planning to include a sidebar? Will there be enough space for a sidebar with the current word ...


SelfContained Underwater Breather Apparatus


Hidden Treasures in Yale’s Vaults: Rare Books and Where to Find Them Type:

light substantive edit

Description: The following is an

article written for the “Away for a Weekend” department of Stowaway Magazine. My edit, indicated in light red, was one of several during the editing process.


Tierre Sanford Exploring Yale’s Jewelry Box Tierre, Good job. I think this article is really coming together. I really like the My Little Pony angle. I think we have everything basically nailed down expect for the conclusion. I think it will seem to come rather saddening. Otherwise, the article is very strong. Keep up the good work. Let me know if you have any questions, Catherine Manes that come in any color of the rainbow and sparkling tiaras to match: that’s what enabled mMy lLittle pPony to hit sale record highs when the toy was first introduced in 1981. My lLittle pPony has been a coveted child’s toy ever since. But tThe fullactual story of the origin of this spectacularly profitable toy can be found in manuscript form at Yale University’s Beinecke Rare Book and Manuscript Library located in New Haven, Connecticut. My Pony: A Poem is just one of approximately 500,000 volumes and over a million original manuscripts. The Beinecke opened in 1963 and just celebrated its fiftieth birthday. Located at the center of Yale campus, this impressively rich collection of books needed architecture to match— and the Beinecke does not disappoint. The bulk of the documents belonging to the library are enclosed in a six-story glass vault that is surrounded by another checkered box. The shape of the box, as well as the treasures within it, may be the reason that The Beinecke is referred to as a jewelry box. And My Pony: A Poem is not the only gem hidden in this jewelry box. The Beinecke also contains other truly unique treasures like Audobon’s Birds of America, Thomas Jefferson’s handwriting samples, and 48 copies of the Gutenberg Bible. Another especially unique item infeature of The Beinecke is the Tanka Collection. Tankas, or thangkas as some people know them, are Buddhist scrolls made of fabric. These banners hang in Buddhist temples and serve as attempt to guide others in reflective experiences and visualizations. The Beinecke features 77 tankas originating from Nepal, Bhutan, India, and China. Due to the precious items inside, several procedures are in place to preserve them in the best condition possible. For example, very limited access is granted to actually handle the texts themselves in the underground reading room. Additionally, each text is treated to a three-day cooling process that enables the books to outlive bookworms. In the event of fire, fire suppressant gases will automatically protect the manuscripts within the glass structure. From My Little Pony to ancient papyri, the vast collections of the Beinecke can take visitorsany traveler from urban Connecticut to any place around the world, any time period of the world’s history.

SIDEBAR: Discovering New Haven’s Local Gems

Comment [CMB1]: “But” implies a contradiction. I don’t see any reason for us to use “but” here. Comment [AS2]: Do you think there are any others words that will work here? "Actual" may imply that what's been said is not true. Comment [CMB3]: To match the rest of Yale or to match the impressive collection of books? Comment [CMB4]: Is it the shape of the checked box or of the glass vault? Do you have pictures of the vault? I think this will help the readers understand what is being described. I know that I am having a hard time visualizing the architecture. Comment [CMB5]: By whom? Comment [CMB6]: Would you consider adding a paragraph about how visitor interact with the texts (since they are locked in a glass vault)? I think this will help increase our word count, which seems low. Comment [AS7]: Because the audience has already understood this, what if the paragraph started with something like "Some other hidden gems of The Beinecke are Audobon's . . ." Comment [AS8]: Are there only 48 copies, or does the library house 48 of the however many copies? Comment [CMB9]: Also, I assume these are original copies? Comment [AS10]: "The Beinecke" is used a lot (naturally, because it's the topic). Would you consider calling it "the li Comment [CMB11]: I believe that “attempt to” may be seem as condescending. I have demonstrated one possible way to address this. Comment [CMB12]: Is the access limited in that the amount of access is limited (restrictions on what you can do when you have access) or the people who have access are limited (restirctions on who can access them)? Or both? Comment [CMB13]: It seemed odd to repeat “any” so often in the same sentence. Here is one possible solution. Comment [CMB14]: The ending seems abrupt, but I like this sentence as the last sentence. Would you consider expanding ... Comment [AS15]: Will the following bullet points have titles? The information is good,...



Stowaway Editing Samples