2021
Late Starts Interlude: The Year That Never Really Happened
72
Some of the best moments that I’ve faced during COVID19 are ones of introspection. I’ve had plenty of time to think about myself, where I fit in this world (and where I don’t!), and how my presence and relationship with others is heavily dependent on the way that I interact with it (and vice-versa, but this is concerning myself). More good moments that I’ve had with myself during the pandemic are just that- moments with myself. I am probably as extroverted as they come, and as someone who’s had to take their life from a socially-bustling city [in college, no less], back to suburbia with my parents, unemployed, and unable to steal my friends away with me, I found myself extremely lost at the beginning of moving back home. However, in these moments, I quickly found positives and have learned to better appreciate time with only myself, whether that be gaming, watching media, doing passion projects that I’ve never made time for during undergrad, what have you. Appreciating and loving myself more (mostly in part due to the circumstances) is something that has come naturally to me nowadays, which is something I didn’t prioritize whilst living in heavily social atmospheres. Alternatively, I’ve also had a handful of bad moments as well. Every couple months at the beginning of the pandemic, I would find myself back in a cycle of complete utter disappointment, helplessness, and desperation. I’d like to do this most of these moments were due to the fact that I have a habit of setting standards high for myself. This can be a good thing for sure, however, when I’m in a situation where I’m not only not meeting
expectations that I’ve set for myself, but not feeling in a mood to dig myself out of those holes, it’s taught me that I need to set more realistic expectations. Of course, I didn’t graduate undergrad with a full-time, good-paying job living in my own living space and having a healthy social life with the great, quality friends that I’ve made in undergrad… but it took me a while to understand that the circumstances were literally out of my control. In a global pandemic where several industries have been affected, including my ideal career industry of health-wellness, of course it would be near impossible to find decent work at the peak of a pandemic. I also feared time and time again that I’ve settled with complacency. I’ll paint you one particularly ugly and low moment: I had a habit during the summer where, during my stint as a food courier, I would take advantage of the easier access of fast foods, or just any hot foods from casual dining joints. It definitely didn’t help that a newfound marijuana dependency kicked in during the pandemic, either. Pair those two together, and I found myself sitting in my childhood bed, high out of my mind by my lonesome, tearing up enough food that would satisfy a family of three. This was also, I believe, the second day in a row that I did this. I stopped smacking on whatever food I was eating and just stared up at the ceiling and drowned myself in tears, verbally asking myself, “Is this the life that I deserve for myself? Sitting in my childhood bed, extremely unsober, binging on food that I can more smartly portion out for days upon days? Am I making the best choices for myself, my body, and my soul?”