The 31 Steps

by Vince Nolan

No, not the Alfred Hitchcock film, The 39 Steps (after cutbacks), but a reference to our recent hard-earned week on hols in Devon. Let me explain. Leaving Nolan Towers at a very early hour, The Current Mrs Nolan and I headed South West using minor roads to avoid Bank Holiday traffic which we successfully managed to do. We pitched up at our splendid quayside accommodation at 10.30am ready to book in after 4pm. No matter, we busied ourselves with shopping for essentials, water and wine primarily, and with a long walk to a restaurant and pub. Come 4pm we gained access to the “Sail Top” to be confronted by two flights of near vertical stairs totalling 31 steps in all. Not very helpful when the aforesaid shopping was then partnered with a hernia enhancing suitcase and a few pints consumed. We made it with much spluttering and cussing and were rewarded with a splendid waterfront view and a marvellous apartment. Interestingly, 31 is a Mersenne prime number and is related to the perfect number 496, since 496 = 2(25 − 1) but you knew this already. I have no idea what any of this means and furthermore I do not care. Talking of maths, a farmer counted 196 cows in his field but when he rounded them up, he had 200. I may have shared this with you before, but we are great feeders of garden birds with any food waste we may have accumulated. So back in Devon and not having a garden, I decided to make the short walk to the Quay to throw our waste scraps to passing avian chums. This consisted of stale pork pie, inedible red hot chilli crisps and mouldy bread rolls. Not the most balanced diet I grant you. Picture the scene, me behind the high Quay Wall showering the local beach with snacks. Whilst the tide was out the trawler man below me was not and he got covered. I didn’t know there were specific Devonian expletives but apparently there are. I did not identify myself or apologise but did the

brave thing and legged it. That poor man had endured the closure of the local shipyard, EU ‘And Another Thing…’ fishing quotas, Brexit, Covid and the daily perils The 31 Steps of fishing in the Atlantic only to be showered No, not the Alfred Hitchcock film, The 39 Steps(after cutbacks), but a reference to our with food debris by a passing tourist. My how recent hard-earned week on hols in Devon. Let me explain. Leaving Nolan Towers at a very we laughed but it was not funny really. early hour,The Current Mrs Nolan and I headedSouth Westusing minor roads to avoid Bank Holiday traffic which we successfully managed to do. We pitched up at our splendid quayside accommodation at 10.30am ready to book in after 4pm. No matter, we busied At 6am on the Sunday, the local skipper of a 40 ourselves with shopping for essentials, water and wineprimarily, and with a long walk to a ton trawler ran it aground and was reportedly restaurant and pub. Come 4pm we gained access to the “Sail Top” to be confronted by two flights of near vertical stairstotalling 31 steps in all. Not very helpful when the aforesaid six times over the legal limit for being in charge shopping was then partnered with a hernia enhancing suitcaseand a few pints consumed. of a ship. Authorities said they had no idea what We made it with much spluttering and cussing and were rewarded with a splendid waterfront view and a marvellous apartment. to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning. Interestingly,31 is a Mersenne prime numberand is related to the perfect number 496, since 496 = 2(25 − 1)but you knew this already. I have no idea what any of this means and Note the two killer whales shadowing the ship furthermore I do not care. Talking of maths, a farmer counted 196 cows in his field but when he rounded them up, he had 200. waiting for scraps. I would have fed them.I may have shared this with you before, but we are great feedersof garden birds with any food waste we may have accumulated. So back in Devonand not having a garden,I decided We always enjoyed crab fishing as kids. It to make the short walk to the Quay to throw our waste scraps to passing avian chums. This was a cheap and harmless pastime. A ball of consisted ofstale pork pie, inedible red hot chillicrispsand mouldy bread rolls. Not the most balanced diet I grant you. Picture the scene, me behindthe high Quay Wall showering string from Woolworths, a bent nail for a hook and a limpet removed from the rocks as bait.

Never failed and still doesn’t. Fast forward to our trip. The local shop was making a fortune from selling crab lines and nets, buckets, and packs of diced bacon for bait. Whilst crabs are sea creatures and are no doubt permanently hungry, I doubt whether bacon comes very high up on their list of haute cuisine. I suspect the shop owner was related to the local butcher.

I was sorely tempted to forage for traditional bait and show them all how to fish properly.

However, She Who Must Be Obeyed

Yard)to ensure that we had properly warmed upsince we didn’t want to pull any drinking muscles. Unfortunately, only six of us turned up and a minimum of ten were required or the visit was off. I engaged four old-timerswho were in the bar (could have been the aforementioned ones from the Taff Vale) and asked them whether they fancied having a brewery tour and free beer for the afternoon. Fearing some kind of honey trap, they took some convincing that my offer was genuine. Cautiously, theyagreed to join us. Picture the scene, 5pm on a sunny weekday evening at the side entrance to the Brewery on Caroline Street where four Yard)to ensure that we had properly warmed upsince we didn’t want to pull any drinking pensioners who could barely stand were seen hanging onto a lamppost,for support,rather muscles. Unfortunately, only six of us turned up and a minimum of ten were required or the visit was off. I engaged four old-timerswho were in the bar (could have been the than illumination. An aforementioned ones from the Taff Vale) and asked them whether they fancied having a afternoon they would brewery tour and free beer for the afternoon. Fearing some kind of honey trap, they took never……remember. some convincing that my offer was genuine. Cautiously, theyagreed to join us. Picture the A drunk who smelled like a scene, 5pm on a sunny brewery got on a bus and sat weekday evening at the side down next to a priest. The entrance to the Brewery on persuaded me that starting “Crab Wars” with a group of under 8’s was probably not the most mature idea I had ever had. How about this for beach art which we found on a walk to Westward Ho. The attention to detail was extraordinaryincluding claws and eyelashes. Some clever people about and I am drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a halfempty bottle of wine sticking Caroline Street where four pensioners who could barely stand were seen hanging onto not one of them. out of his pocket. He opened a lamppost,for support,rather A guy walked into a seafood store carrying a crab and he asked the owner: “Do you make crab cakes?” The owner said, “Yes we do.”...So the guy said, “Good, because it’s his birthday.” How about this for beach art which we found on a walk to Westward Ho. The attention to detail was extraordinary including claws and eyelashes. Some clever people about and I am not one of them. Anyway, we had it in mind to visit the Island of Lundy. This was booked weeks in advance, and we were sent real tickets in the post and a map. The map amused me. Lundy is an island of some 1.5 sq. miles so why a map would ever be required was something of a mystery. The boat had a bar and the island had a pub so no issues with dehydrating on the journey. The night before we were due to sail, we received an email informing us that the weather forecast was bad for the next day, you know “Lundy Anyway,we had it in mind to visit the Island of Lundy. This was booked weeks in advance, and we were sent real tickets in the postand a map. The map amused me. Lundy is an island of some 1.5 sq. miles so why a map would ever be required was something of a mystery. The boat had a bar and the island had a pub so no issues with dehydrating on the journey. The night before we were due to sail, we received an email informing us that the weather forecast was bad for the next day, you know “Lundy Force 8imminent” as the gale warnings used to say. This meant our voyage was cancelled. The next day we repaired to Woolacombe Bay for a long walk instead. Throughout our walk we could see Lundy across a flat calm sea with not a single wave in sight. I reckon the skipper of our boat had spent too long in the pub on the island and in his own bar onboard and was incapable of sailing the next day. No doubt the police were called and wanted to know what they could do with the drunken sailor early in the morning, again. Sorry. Finally, turning to more mundane matters, we recently needed to renew our car insurance. Having gone down the price comparison website route I chose an insurance provider. As I was in the process of finalising this the computer asked me if we had any pets. I replied “Yes we have a dog." The computer said: "Would you like to insure him too?" I replied "Not really, he can’t drive." When the policy was generatedI noticed that it said on the final and a minimum of ten were required or the visit was off. I engaged four old-timers who were in the bar (could have been the aforementioned ones from the Taff Vale) and asked them whether they fancied having a brewery tour and free beer for the afternoon. Fearing some kind of honey trap, they took some convincing that my offer was genuine. Cautiously, they agreed to join us. Picture the scene, 5pm on a sunny weekday evening at the side entrance to the Brewery on Caroline Street where four pensioners who could barely stand were seen hanging onto a lamppost, for support, rather than illumination. An afternoon they would never…… remember. his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied. "Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologised: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does." Staying with the drink, there has always been much snobbery attached to wine. Indeed, people make a living from it, but I am making a stand because of the lockdowns. I’m giving up wine,every day,all month. No wait, that’s not it. I’m giving up. Wine every day all month! Two people out on a first date. “Do you like Merlot Tammy?” “Yes,but you don’t pronounce “Oh, Ok.” Looks at waiter: “Two Merlotsfor me and Ammy.” than illumination. An afternoon they would never……remember. A drunk who smelled like a brewery got on a bus and sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a halfempty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied. "Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He Force 8 imminent” as the gale warnings used to say. This meant our voyage was cancelled. The next day we repaired to Woolacombe Bay page “This policy is also available in large print or Braille.” I am missing something here? Safe journeyChums. A drunk who smelled like a brewery got on a bus and sat down next to a priest. Our friend Dr H has trained her dog Daisy to bring her a bottle of red wine. No surprise really, she’s a Bordeaux collie. I was sat with She Who Must Be Obeyed the other daywhilst returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologised: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face arthritis?" "I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that was full of bright red lipstick and he had the Pope does." a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of How long have you had arthritis?” “I don’t have arthritis, Father,” the drunk said, “but I founded in 1759 which was exactly the time it tried to just read in the paper that the Pope does.” shift me nearer to my maker. I drank the other three Staying with the drink, there has always been much snobbery attached to wine. Indeed, people make a living from it, I have discovered that there are only 3 shops I really but I am making a stand because of the need during lockdown: Specsavers, Boots and lockdowns. I’m giving up wine, every day, all Greggs. My life is just specs and drugs and sausage month. No wait, that’s not it. I’m giving up. Wine every day all month! rolls. I don’t know about you, but I have had enough of this lockdown malarkey. We don’t have to home school Two people out on a first date. “Do you like Merlot Tammy?” “Yes, but you don’t or anything like that but when the highlight of the pronounce the “t.” “Oh, Ok.” Looks at week was taking the car for an MOT then it’s serious, waiter: “Two Merlots for me and Ammy.” particularly as we both went along for the excitement. Our friend Dr H has trained her dog Daisy to bring her a bottle of red wine. No surprise Here’s one, what about skew-whiff? A phrase we really, she’s a Bordeaux collie. I was sat often hear. Apparently, it comes from the 18th Century with She Who Must Be Obeyed the other weaving industry when something not straight was day whilst she sipped a glass of wine and she said, “I love you so much, you referred to as skew weft (from the warp and weft). Of know. I don’t know how I could ever live course, this should not be confused with the related without you.” I said, “Is that you or the wine talking?” She said, “It’s me talking to the A good friend and neighbour of ours, let’s call her Dr wine.” H, for that is her name, is walking out with Dr R who Finally, a blessing for the drink: God, in his is no stranger to TV and radio presenting. We recently goodness, sent the grapes, to cheer both walked past their front door where a note was pinned. great and small. Little fools will drink too much and great fools none at all. My round. It said: “Please leave parcel at foot of door. Live Radio Programme Being Recorded.” Not to be outdone we rushed home and I penned the following note: “Please

done………………..well, until next door’s cat got and was sentenced to death by hanging. He refused a pardon in 1833 Staying with hunting, if I were illegally hunting for from President Andrew Jackson and mushrooms, would I have questionable morels? was executed after the Supreme Court Also, what do you call a deer who has lost both ruled he could turn it down if he wanted eyes in a hunting accident? No eye deer. I have decided that when Trump dies, I will give to. No pleasing some folk. his eulogy. I will say: “He is today how he was as Continuing President……….wearing make-up and lying in front the rope theme:I was recently asked by the son of a good friend Soap on of mine if I would write a urology for his Dad’s a rope funeral. I didn’t have the heart to say eulogy Pope on a but I knew what he meant. Anyway, here is ropeMy favourite Mike tale, (he was affectionately known as Gaddafi because of his likeness I once owned one of the chewed pencils which to the former Libyan leader), involved a trip to Paris to watch Wales play France. We Shakespeare used to write his famous works. He used had developed a 20 year relationship with to chew on it so much that I couldn’t tell whether it was a French side and played them home and 2B or not 2B. Staying with the Bard, in days gone by, in order to attract women, I used to use this quote from away on French international weekends. On Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82: this particular trip (Mike’s fi rst), we did it in the old-fashioned way, a bus to Dover, ferry crossing “Hello.”and then on to Paris. I was sitting next to him. At Dover, a uniformed Customs Offi cer came onto I was reading about a court case where the accused our bus and said: “Just hold up your passports was described as “having murderous intent.” I was guys and I will come along and count them and quite disappointed to learn that this had nothing to do you.” Mike turned to me and said “I didn’t know with camping.we needed a passport and I haven’t got one.” I said “oh spiffi ng” or words to that effect. Then, in a Finally, sad news, my friend David has lost his ID. scene reminiscent of a World War 2 prisoner of war Now he is just Dav.escape story, Mike ducked down into the footwell Hasta La Vista Chums next to me and I piled his coat and mine on top of him. I told him not to move, whilst we were both reduced to laughing uncontrollably. The Customs guy walked the bus, did the count, missed Mike diplomatic incident. Just to be clear: Did you hear about the urologist who was eaten by a bear? He was a meteorologist (meaty urologist, oh please yourselves). The Leader of the Opposition and I were sitting in our socially distanced local, The Funky Furlough, when a lady close by to us asked the Bar Manager if the toilets were still upstairs. He of course confi rmed that they were but I thought this to be a very stupid question. I would have said something like: “I don’t know

I know I have written about sell-buy dates before when madam was but a recent trip to my local supermarket on a Friday last with us but we revealed almost no perishables that would make the following Monday. In fact I had some doubt whether they would make it to the car for the journey home. moved them out to the car park many What is going on because it’s nothing to do with EU months ago as a supply issues? Closer inspection of the packaging direct consequence revealed countries of origin for fruit and veg like of Covid19.” Perhaps Tanzania and Argentina. So these comestibles this is why I do not run are cultivated in exotic climes, picked, packaged, a pub. taken to the port or airport, distributed around UK A wife sent her warehouses then delivered to the shops and put on husband a romantic the shelves with one day left on the sell-buy date. It text message. She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send takes an inordinate amount of skill to supply goods me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your “just-in-time” with 24 hours to spare. Waste levels smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me

Staying with food, I have been doing some research your tears. I love you.” Her husband texted back: “ into what is no longer manufactured in the UK. The I’m in the toilet, please advise.” list is endless but here is a small sample: Pringles (Belgium), Smarties (Canada), Colman’s English Happy New Year Dear Reader, the Year of the Mustard (Germany), Terrys Chocolate Orange Ox. Apparently this year is going to be lucky (France) and HP (Houses of Parliament) Sauce (The with the Ox representing diligence, persistence

and honesty. Not for going to be Trump’s year

Here’s one for you: “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” then is it? “Little old lady.” “Little old lady who?” “I had no idea

I am a man of a certain age so my tolerance threshold does not work as well as it used to to heckle was to tease or comb-out flax or hemp fibres. The modern meaning was coined in Dundee in the early 19th century. As the hecklers toiled in the factory, one of the team would read out the days’ news and the others would butt in with constant interruptions and a stream of “furious debate.” With this in mind I have collated some quality put-downs which comics have used to deal with modern day hecklers: Ricky Tomlinson “What size of shoe does your mouth take?” “This is what comes from drinking on an empty head.” “I know where you were when they were handing I recently had a great Zoom call with Mark Dacey (on the leS) who is the dynamic CEO of the brains out………getting an extra helping of Neath Port Talbot Group of Colleges. It does not need me to suggest the uncanny resemblance he has to actor Ricky Tomlinson or vice versa. mouth.” “Do you know, if you wore soundproof trousers no one would hear a word you’re saying.” I know I have wriKen about sell-buy dates before but a recent trip to my local supermarket on a Friday revealed almost no perishables that would make the following Monday. In fact I for a long walk instead. Throughout our walk we could see Lundy across a flat calm sea with “Is that your real face or are you still celebrating one day leS on the sell-buy date. It takes an inordinate amount of skill to supply goods “just-had some doubt whether they would make it to the car for the journey home. What is going not a single wave in sight. I reckon the skipper of our boat had spent too long in the pub on Halloween?” in-@me” with 24 hours to spare. Waste levels must be astronomical. on because it’s nothing to do with EU supply issues? Closer inspec@on of the packaging the island and in his own bar onboard and was “Your bus leaves in 10 minutes... Be under it.” Staying with food, I have been doing some research into what is no longer manufactured in revealed countries of origin for fruit and veg like Tanzania and Argen@na. So these incapable of sailing the next day. No doubt the police were called and wanted to know what the UK. The list is endless but here is a small sample: Pringles (Belgium), Smar@es (Canada), are cul@vated in exo@c climes, picked, packaged, taken to the port or airport, they could do with the drunken sailor early in “Well, it’s a night out for him.. and a night off for his Colman’s English Mustard ( Germany), Terrys Chocolate Orange (France) and HP (Houses of distributed around UK warehouses then delivered to the shops and put on the shelves with the morning, again. Sorry. family.” Parliament) Sauce (The Netherlands). Staggering. Finally, turning to more mundane matters, we Here’s one for you: “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “LiKle old lady.” “LiKle old lady who?” recently needed to renew our car insurance. “I need you like Van Gogh needed stereo.”“I had no idea you could yodel.”Having gone down the price comparison website route I chose an insurance provider. I walked into our local bar, The Moaning Monet and I am a man of a certain age so my tolerance threshold does work as well as it used to As I was in the process of finalising this the saw Van Gogh sitting at the end on a bar stool. I shouted “Hey Vince do you want a drink?” par@cularly when being asked to embrace new technology. I was therefore heartened when She Who Must Be Obeyed suggested I download a new app called What3Words. This is a computer asked me if we had any pets. I replied “Yes we have a dog.” The computer said: “Would you like to insure him too?” I naviga@on aid which divides the World into 3 metre squares and gives each square a unique replied “Not really, he can’t drive.” When the He shouted back: “No thanks, I’ve already got one combina@on of three words. I s@ll drive about a lot for business, believe it or not and I was policy was generated I noticed that it said on ear.” assured that this system would be much more accurate than using our sat nav. I used it for the final page “This policy is also available in the first @me the other day and the unique three word loca@on I was looking for was “You large print or Braille.” I am missing something Adios Amigos Are Lost!” Design fault or user error? here? Safe journey Chums. CARDIFF TIMES 11