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Best of the Inbox FEDERAL GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE EVALUATIONS
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26. “If you stand close enough to him, trial water heater. This $20,000 piece of you can hear the ocean.” equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful tempera27. “It’s hard to believe he beat out ture. 1,000,000 other sperm.” It then pumps it down to the diver 28. “One neuron short of a synapse.” through a garden hose, which is taped 29. “Some drink from the fountain of to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several knowledge; he only gargles.” times with no complaints. 30. “Takes him 2 hours to watch ‘60 A virtual smorgasbord What I do, when I get to the bottom of jokes and otherwise Minutes’.” and start working, is take the hose and funny stories e-mailed 31.“The wheel is turning, but the ham- stuff it down the back of my wet suit. to Foolish Times. ster is dead.” This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.
I LOVE MY JOB
12. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a Next time you have a bad day at work These are actual quotes taken from carrier.” think of this guy. Federal Government employee performance evaluations. 13. “I would like to go hunting with Rob is a commercial saturation diver him sometime.” for Global Divers in Louisiana. 1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has start14. “He’s been working with glue too He performs underwater repairs on ed to dig.” much.” offshore drilling rigs. 2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.” 3.“This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t-be.” 4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.” 5. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.” 6. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.” 7.“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.” 8.“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.” 9. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.” 10. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.” 11. “A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
March 2008
15. “He would argue with a signpost.”
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 The hot water machine had sucked 16.“He brings a lot of joy whenever he on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who up a jellyfish and pumped it into my leaves the room.” was sponsoring a worst job experience suit. Now, since I don’t have any hair on contest. my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it. 17.“When his IQ reaches 50, he should However, the crack of my butt was not sell.” Needless to say, she won. as fortunate. 18. “If you see two people talking and Hi Sue, When I scratched what I thought was one looks bored, he’s the other one.” an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyJust another note from your bottomfish into the crack of my butt. 19. “A photographic memory but with dwelling brother. the lens cover glued on.” I informed the dive supervisor of my Last week I had a bad day at the office. 20. “A prime candidate for natural de- I know you’ve been feeling down lately dilemma over the communicator. His selection.” at work, so I thought I would share my instructions were unclear due to the dilemma with you to make you realize fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. 21. “Donated his brain to science be- it’s not so bad after all. fore he was done using it.” Needless to say I aborted the dive. I Before I can tell you what happened 22. “Gates are down, the lights are to me, I first must bore you with a few was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling flashing, but the train isn’t coming.” technicalities of my job. thirty-five minutes before I could reach 23. “He’s got two brains cells—one is As you know, my office lies at the bot- the surface to begin my chamber dry lost and the other is out looking for it.” tom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. decompression. 24. “If he were any more stupid, he’d It’s a wet suit. This time of year the waWhen I arrived at the surface, I was ter is quite cool. So what we do to keep have to be watered twice a week.” warm is this: Continued On Page 19 25. “If you give him a penny for his We have a diesel-powered industhoughts, you’d get change.”
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