Going Viral Isn’t Always Good By Michelle Kelly, Chief Enjoyment Officer, Empowering Performance, Inc.
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hen a sneezing kitten video goes viral, it’s fun. When conflict goes viral, it’s a whole different animal. Respectful disagreements are necessary for creative problemsolving and effective interpersonal relationships, but you don’t want disagreements to spread into actual conflict that “goes viral.”
It’s all well and good to see that conflict is coming and to understand its cause, but what can you actually do about it once it’s here?
So, how do you keep conflict from turning into an epidemic that overruns your workplace or your community?
If you listen with anger or preconception, you’ll find yourself reacting with aggression and defensiveness, which blocks effective communication. However, if you listen actively, with respect and an open mind, you can recalibrate communication.
You start by being aware of its symptoms, warning signs that communication is beginning to deteriorate. Learn to recognize symptoms of impending conflict and you can keep it from sneaking up and sabotaging you, your team, and your residents. Here are some signs of trouble brewing: • • • • • • • •
Raised voices Excessive politeness or formality Increased blaming Increased gossip Decreased productivity Negative attitudes Increased missed days/appointments Nonverbals such as reddening faces and tense body language
You’ve recognized the symptoms, now what? If you can identify the cause of an impending outbreak, you’re one step closer to preventing it from escalating. Workplace conflicts typically fall into two basic categories, both of which can lead to communication breakdowns: 1. Style/personality differences: This is how we “show up.” One person may be methodical and deliberate, valuing “doing it right,” while another is spontaneous and quick to act, valuing “getting it done.” One leader may be transparent and positive, while another is private or critical. Maybe you like to get right down to it, but a resident prefers to chat about personal things for a few minutes. Our responses to others’ styles are easily colored by our own biases, perceptions, and emotions. Their quirks push our buttons and we often react with our “lizard brains,” lashing out with anger or defensiveness. 2. Performance: This is more about the work itself. Maybe someone on your team isn’t performing at the same level or on the same timetable as other team members, causing a domino effect with deliverables that results in friction. 16
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Most conflict erupts because communication has broken down. You can often prevent and even overcome conflict by maintaining (or restoring) communication through active listening.
Here are some helpful active listening techniques for conflict situations: • Go to the balcony. In Getting Past No, author William Ury suggests that, instead of reacting with knee-jerk emotions, you walk up the steps to your mental “balcony” to view the situation from a distance and calmly evaluate it. Replace passion with dispassion. • Bracket. Acknowledge your biases, preconceptions, and judgments . . . then consciously set them aside. • Reflect. Confirm your understanding by reflecting back (repeating) the speaker's words. • Paraphrase. Use your own words to confirm the speaker’s message. • Check perception. Confirm with the speaker that your assumptions are correct; not just the data, but how the speaker is feeling. • Use open-ended questions. Probe for additional information with questions that require more than a one-word response. • Check body language and tone. Be aware of the whole message, not just the words. Body language and tone can dramatically shift meaning. • Steer your perspective toward opportunity. In a situation of tension or differing viewpoints, look for potential opportunities by asking, "What’s possible here?" "How can this improve the situation or relationship?" Once you’ve listened to the other point of view, continue to resolve conflict by demonstrating personal responsibility. This is about seeing a situation for what it truly is, owning your part in it, identifying possibilities for improvement, and taking action accordingly. Personal responsibility and accountability is also called “above-theline” thinking and action. This concept was introduced in 1994 (continued on page 34)