And Another Thing

They were in the sandbox and on a swing set yesterday and suddenly you’re calling bridesmaids and renting tuxes and finding out that flowers cost more than they did when you got hitched? Pull up a chair and a Valium and let’s talk a second…

The wedding for our daughter was lovely and sentimental and efficient (short!) and went off better than we’d hoped, starting with when our church’s wedding hostess, right before the bride walked down the aisle, remembered to plug in the lights on All Those Rented Trees up on the stage — made a big difference — and ended right before I realized at the reception that the groom’s cake was gone before I’d had any. Word to the wise if you’re getting a bride or groom hitched soon: rent a kid to stake out some cake for you. You’ll be too preoccupied keeping water iced down and spirits propped up, especially if something Messed Up during the wedding. But even if that happened — the flowers didn’t do “just right” or the preacher went a bit too long or even if the lights didn’t get turned on in the rented trees (that were a bear to haul in and out and decorate) — all should still be well because of The Marriage Mantra. Very few things that come from my mouth are worth remembering, but this might be one of them, even though the thought was formed in a very highly non-wedding-educated mind. Quoting my ownself: “What I know about weddings, you could put in a pecan shell and have room left over for several English peas. I know less about Wedding Protocol and Planning than I do about bitcoin, ice hockey, heavy metal, tattoos, and the gross national product of Norway. But this I do know: no matter what happens at the rehearsal dinner, ceremony, and reception, at the end of the day, if they still want to and if we can find an ink pen that works, they’ll be married. A preacher and pen are all you need. “And that is all that matters. The rest is gravy. And gravy is good! But it’s gravy. If you don’t have the pot roast or the potatoes or the yeast rolls, gravy’s not so hot. “That will be the case on your child’s wedding day, even if there’s a rain storm or a nervous passed-out groomsman or the preacher shows up late. (I’ve been a part of two ceremonies in which the preacher forgot; he eventually showed up and BAM! Married. It all works out.)” The Marriage Mantra. Works every time. Our daughter was married to her betrothed May 5 (Cinco de Matrimony), 2018, a gorgeous day, the only real spring day in what seemed like a six-month-plus summer. The wedding was in Ruston and the reception in Simsboro, as most outstanding receptions are, but I don’t have to tell you that. Over the course of several years, our friend Gary actually built cabins and bridges, pavilions, all sorts of seating areas, a lake, just a spectacular and cozy celebration spot, all with his own hands and creative brain. He’s retired, but his Creekwood Gardens is still there. And with it my memories of that wonderful afternoon and night when we had our wedding cake and ate it too — just not any groom’s cake. Heard it was really good…

Teddy Allen is an award-winning columnist and graduate of Louisiana Tech, where he works as a writer and broadcaster.