Grapevine October 2014 by BWAGrapevine

NEWSLETTER October 2014

What are your values?

Situated in Bintaro, south-west Jakarta, the British International School houses a series of uniquely designed buildings set in extensive grounds and providing an attractive, well-planned, healthy environment where fresh air and open space abound, and keep learning free from distraction. Classrooms are equipped with interactive whiteboards and computers, making for a stimulating environment. Other facilities include a well-equipped music department; computer suites; science laboratories; language centre; workrooms for design and technology; a state-of-the-art theatre; modern secondary library; Olympic-size swimming pool with touchpad time recording equipment; tennis courts and ample

playing elds. These resources support a demanding and successful academic programme. The British International School follows the English National Curriculum (for children 3 to 14 years), I/GCSE (15 to 16 years), followed by the International Baccalaureate programme (17 to 18 years); all conveniently located on one campus. Guided by experienced and caring overseas teachers, who engage the students constantly, the emphasis is on providing students with the very best educational environment, equal to any school across the world and creating happy and responsible citizens of tomorrow who share our values.

For further information about the British International School, please contact the Admission ofce at Tel: (62-21) 745-1670 • Fax: (62-21) 745-1671 • E-mail: admissions@bis.or.id • www.bis.or.id

CONTENTS Features

Short Story: Who Am I? 8 Life After Help: A Returning Expat's Account 10 Dear Anonymous 30

Regulars Editor’s Note 2 Chairwoman’s Message 3 Newcomers Message 5 Report Back: September Coffee Morning 6 Expat Bloke: Watching Some Men Driving Some Cars 7 Social Diary: Mexican Quiz Night 14 Recipes: Dips 'n' Things 16 Weird and Wonderful News 20 Health: Lose Weight, Lift Weights 26 Family: Agent X 29 Notice Board 31 Classifieds 32

TRAVEL Malang: A City in Java 22

Cover Photograph by Mark Gibbons

EDITOR

Grapevine OCTOBER 2014

FROM THE EDITOR Welcome to the October issue of Grapevine. This month we have a new writer – Sunshine Biskaps, a recent arrival to Jakarta, has kindly written an article on using strength training to lose weight. Another newbie is Tamzin Bianchi, who has kindly done the recipes for this month; if you’re looking for inspiration in the kitchen, then look no further. Our regular articles continue with the social diary, in which we showcase last month’s Mexican Pub night and also the report on the September coffee morning. We sadly had to say goodbye to Deborah Golden last month, as she is returning to Australia; but Deb has shared some of her thoughts on living here. Goodbye, Deb, we will miss you! Lorraine Gibbons has once again delivered a hilarious look at living in Jakarta with her newcomers’ column while Expat Bloke, waxes lyrical (not) on the joys of F1 racing. My own contribution is to the Family column, highlighting a new Game in Town. There is also a short story, though only to persuade readers into attempting their own stories – if you are a writer, however sporadic, do send us your stuff and we’ll print it. Rosaleen Cunningham does a much better job with her light hearted piece on life after expat-dom. Once again, thanks to the wife and husband team of Stephanie Brooks and David Metcalf for their piece on Malang. I hope that everyone is enjoying Grapevine online; not only does it mean that you can receive it anywhere in the world, it also helps us keep costs at the BWA down. Last month, we had over 450 readers – keep reading, everyone!

THE GRAPEVINE TEAM EDITOR ADVERTISING PRODUCTION EDITORIAL TEAM CONTRIBUTORS

Soma Mitra-Chubb Vacant Soma Mitra-Chubb Shweta Dakin, Lorraine Gibbons Stephanie Brookes, Richard Chubb, Sunshine Biskaps

CHAIRWOMAN

B WA COMMITTEE 2014-2015

Chairwoman Elaine Tucker Vice-Chairwoman

Suki Brar

General Secretary

Debbie Baxter

Treasurer Zem Chefeke Grapevine Editor

Soma Mitra-Chubb

Acting Social Welfare Co-ordinator

Jackie Buchanan

Newcomers’ Co-ordinators

Lorraine Gibbons

Postal address: P.O. Box 7923 JKSM Jakarta 12079 email: bwa@bwajakarta.org web page: www.bwajakarta.org

FROM THE CHAIRWOMAN Dear members

This has been a busy month for the BWA! We had a well attended Newcomers meeting where Hill & Associates, SOS and Colliers all presented relevant and useful information to a group of new ladies. We had a fabulous Pub Quiz Night Sponsorship Sareena Barnes, with our new Pub Landlords, Mrs & Mrs Crockford! Let’s hope Co-ordinators Emma Chapman & Mr C gives us some easier questions at the Halloween Quiz Suki Brar on 1st November! Cider was on the bar menu for the first time and went down really well and I’d like to thank Albens Bazaar Coordinator Tess Gunasekera Cider for donating a case. The lovely Emma Chapman came and chatted to us at the coffee morning about her novel and the writing process. Baconerie kindly catered for us with a delicious selection of sandwiches, scones and churros and the Membership Deborah Minicola owner Sheila gave out samples of their products. Co-ordinator Food & Beverage Vacant Co-ordinator Programmes Nell Costello Co-ordinator Event Co-ordinator

Berni Crockford

Communications Eszter Redmond Co-ordinator and Website

All of the tables sold out at the bazaar registration so this year’s Christmas Bazaar at the Grand Kemang Hotel on Wednesday 12 November, will be bigger and better than ever, so make sure you come along and have a browse and buy some lovely Christmas gifts and decorations and make sure you don’t miss the Cake Stall for mince pies and all sorts of wonderful temptations. Julia Johnson is kindly organising a trip to the Chocolate School later this month, there are still a few spaces left. The sign-up sheet is at the BWA reception.

Coyote Club is starting on Monday 20th October – line dancing with a twist, with our lovely Berni Crockford helping General Member Fiona Forsyth members get fit in a fun way! Contact Events@bwajakarta.org for further information.

This publication is not for sale. It is distributed free to members of the British Women’s Association (BWA) in Indonesia. The BWA and the Grapevine team will not accept responsibility for unsatisfactory service arising from any of our advertising, or the misuse of this newsletter.

The first Fashion Show meeting took place and we’re all so excited. It’s not too late to sign up as a model so if you’re interested please contact fsmodels@bwajakarta.org. Have great fun and make new friends while raising funds for BWA and it’s worthwhile Social Welfare projects. I’ve danced in the Fashion Show three times and had an absolute blast every time. I hope everyone has a great half term break, whether travelling or just relaxing in lovely sunny Jakarta!

Elaine 3

NEWCOMERS

Message from the Newcomers’ Coordinator Welcome to Jakarta. And an even bigger welcome to the British Women’s Association. Wherever in the world you are transferred to there always seems to be a cultural talking point. In the UK it tends to be the weather. Here, the locals seem to be obsessed with food. I think as expats living here our main talking point must be the traffic. It’s easy to become obsessed by it whilst living in Jakarta, especially in rainy season which was particularly bad in January, February and March this year. One positive is that we won’t complain as much when we live in other cities around the world. I’m sure, in Jakarta, many meetings have been missed, planes have departed without passengers, wedding nuptials delayed and planned BWA coffee mornings on Tuesday mornings (plug, plug) abandoned due to macet. The cheapest method of travel here is by motorcycle as they are cheap to buy and the fuel is heavily subsidised. I apologise to anyone who uses the two wheeled engine-propelled variety of transport who read this, but here are some of my observations… Can you get a family of five on a motorbike? Yes, go for the Vespa type. Mother can carry the youngest in a sling, sandwich the eldest between mum and dad on the seat and then get the toddler to stand on the footplate whilst holding onto the handlebars. Doesn’t matter if they can’t stand on their own very well; they seem to be able to hang. Make sure the one standing on the footplate is not the eldest as you won’t be able to see over their head. If you’re in a hurry and need to feed one of the kids, why not get them to stand up between mum and dad with legs secured and reach up to spoon feed the child. Of course, dad’s safe. He’s the only one wearing a helmet… How old do you have to be to ride a motorbike in Jakarta? Tongue in cheek answer…If your parents can afford to buy you a bike, start riding it at any age. Also, get all of your mates on the back and standing up on anything that sticks out the sides of the bike. I think it’s the local equivalent of the ‘see how many people you can squeeze inside a mini’ competition. I’m pretty sure some of the lads have been about 10 that I’ve seen zipping in and out of car queues like they are playing on an Xbox. What else can you transport on a motorbike? The possibilities are endless. Look out for the amazing motorbike modifications that would be illegal just about anywhere else. Flatbed truck motorbikes, mobile cafes on wheels with chairs and gas burners, mini supermarkets, animal transportation systems – chickens stacked in crates, goats on pouches slung over the seat, bread and cakes displayed in glass cabinets. You will be astounded by the creativity whilst living here. Are there any rules when riding a motorbike? No. Make it up as you go along. Just get to your destination as quickly as possible. Don’t forget we have weekly coffee mornings every Tuesday from 9.30. We have renamed the main coffee each month ‘The Great British Coffee Morning’. On the first Tuesday of the month we have a guest speaker, free drinks, nibbles and a door prize all for a small fee. Coffees on the other Tuesdays are free with the option to purchase drinks, nibbles and lunch. Look out for other great events coming up soon. We’ll keep you posted by email and also post them on the Facebook group – British Women’s Association Jakarta. We also have a group for the BWA playgroup. Please do contact me if you have any questions or need a chat. The BWA was set up to offer support to you. Please join us, get to know your fellow expats and how we can help. Regards Lorraine Gibbons Email: sheppardlorraine@hotmail.com Mobile: 08111 803 657

REPORT BACK

g n i n r o M e e ff September Co

Bigger, better, brighter – the BWA’s monthly coffee morning has now been rebranded The Great British Coffee Morning to differentiate it from our ‘regular’ weekly coffee mornings. The September Coffee morning was a chance to catch up with old friends, and make new ones, with the usual new-school-year influx of expats into Jakarta – welcome to you all! The Guest Speaker for the day was Jacqui Sunderland Groves from the Borneo Oranguatan Survival Foundation, who highlighted their efforts in the field of orangutan rescue, rehabilitation, reintroduction and long-term conservation. She spoke movingly about their work in rescuing thousands of orangutans over the past two decades – not an easy tak, as we all found out! Also in attendance were Colonial restaurant, who kindly offered up a cocktail making demonstration and tasting session. The mixologist patiently explained the philosophy behind their molecular drinks – how you steep, infuse and add unusual ingredients to bend the molecular cocktails into something completely different. We also had the usual raffles and door prizes – lucky winners went home with a selection of gifts and vouchers from our monthly vendors. Why not try your luck next month? The Great British Coffee Morning is held on the first Tuesday of every month. Soma Mitra-Chubb

THE GREAT BRITISH COFFEE MORNING Now Every TUESDAY at the BWA House First Tuesday of the Month - Guest Speaker, Vendors, Raffles, Door Prizes, Food, Drink, Chat... 6

IT'S AN EXPAT LIFE

Watching Some Men Driving Some Cars One of the joys of living the expat life is being able to enjoy new experiences. Now there are lots of things I’ve never done and would give my right arm for the chance- riding the Orient Express, going into space, finishing a Tolstoy novel to name but three. Watching a Grand Prix, though, wasn’t one of them. For many years, my wife and I have argued over the merits of Formula 1. She loves the glamour and the excitement of drivers going head to head every fortnight. I just think that it’s driving and therefore as exciting as my commute home. If I wanted to see some people driving cars dangerously, I’d take a walk down Jalan Antasari. Frankly, I’ve just never got how an event where the person with the fastest car wins even qualifies as a sport. There you are- prejudices on the table! However, it happened that a couple of weekends back, I found myself awaiting the start of the Singapore Grand Prix- how did that come about? Well, predictably enough, my wife was to blame. This year was a landmark birthday for the “not-so–old” dear and I needed to find a suitable present. Now I’m still living down the slightly troubled first Christmas of our relationship where I delayed on buying a present till late on Christmas Eve, panicked and bought my beloved a set of bookends, so the pressure was well and truly on- what to buy? The answer came is a surprisingly convenient flash. The Grand Prix! My wife’s love of Formula 1 has been a slightly sad love, confined to TV and never before watched live. A couple of calls later and bingo- the perfect double present. Not only would my dearest get to live the dream, she would also be gifted the company of a loving husband who would sacrifice several hours of his life to share the fun! So, how was it? Well, not entirely bad. I got a smart little orange lanyard which I could wear around my neck all day, thus informing half of Singapore that I was going. This certainly appealed to the snob in me, though my wife did finally put her foot down and told me that wearing it while walking around Little India was impressing nobody! I meekly pocketed the lanyard, only to reapply it a few hours later as we finally entered the track area. Once inside, we looked for our seats. Ah- now those would be the seats on the other side of the track. Marvellous! After an hour of tramping round and crossing the fiftieth footbridge, we finally got to our area. The race itself was ok. I’d arrived with the ominous warnings of a friend ringing in my ears. “You’ll be bored by the 5th lap”! Not so. For a start we had the comedy value of some chap who’d worked hard all weekend to reach the front of the grid ending up not being able to start his car. Having tried to start my old Fiat 126 back in the UK, I shared his pain, though wondered how this engineering elite could come up with a car that needed the jump leads at the big moment. After sitting like a wally as everyone else passed him, he headed off and tried to start from the pitlane- that didn’t work very well either. So my attention was held for at least five laps, which was four more that most. One thing I noticed as I was waiting for the cars to come whizzing past us again was just how minuscule an attention span (or bladder perhaps) Formula 1 fans seem to have. Now, for all the bad press football fans have attracted over the years, the one thing I can be sure of is that most of them stay and watch the match while it’s going on. One or two may need to go pee, but mostly they pay attention to what’s going on. Not so here. Every five minutes, someone on my row needed to excuse him or herself and head off for some reason. Anyway, a couple of hours (and a few hundred loo breaks for my neighbours) later, the cars stopped going round in circles and someone won. Not as dull as I’d thought I have to concede. Would I do it again? Probably not. Am I glad we did it? Guess so. Box ticked! Expat Bloke

SHORT STORY

WHO AM I? Nine months of agonising creation: the slow budding of cells -- first one then two, then four, eight, until the final number approaches trillions, quadrillions; the taking on of hands, legs, feet, toes, fingers, nose, all in the security of the warm, comforting fluid that reverberated with each beat of the host heart; the gathering of strength for the final journey down the long, dark passage with only a speck of light to indicate that there was any end at all; the slow, gentle pulsating that seems to go on and on until with sudden violence the creature is forcefully ejected from its former home into the harsh blue light of the world outside, the soft caress of the amniotic fluid replaced by hands that grab and hurt and sting resoundingly on the virgin skin, till finally a loud wail of protest fill the room... “It’s a girl!” says someone.

Adolescence passes without incident, though she cannot become resigned to the blood that drips out of her month after month, watching helplessly as a little part of her escapes, wanting to call it back; but after all she is a girl, and it is inevitable. She does not even know why that blood is important to her: only a few red blood cells and some waste tissue after all, but she somehow feels that it is an important clue to the mystery of who she is. For this is the year that the posters appeared, not just in colleges, but all over the streets. “Who are you?” they asked boldly, forcing a reply of sorts. Answering it takes time, though; it is so easy to get caught up in other things: studies, dates, proms, falling in and out of puppy love... Infatuation eventually gives way to the real thing, and the question of who she is is quickly suppressed by the more important ones like “How many guests at the wedding?”, “What shall I wear?” and still later, “Where shall we live?” She is ecstatic at becoming a wife and a partner. Married life is a dream. She never knew such happiness was possible. They make a charming couple, say the neighbours, they do everything together. She develops a taste for bridge and trekking and even cricket, which she couldn’t stand earlier. Holidays are fun-filled expeditions to places with funny names, but it’s all wonderful. A pity it had to stop later on, but of course with a child on the way; with an active toddler to take care of; with two small children; after yet another pregnancy has failed to come to term, she is in no shape to continue the long, exhausting trips.

Growing up is a dream and a nightmare, filled with love and laughter, toys and white dresses with blue satin sashes, and pretty bows all in a row. She goes through her days happily, effortlessly, with no knowledge or understanding of what is to come, though there are hints: “This is my Samir, he’s going to become an engineer,” says Daddy, “he gets such good marks in school, always comes first in class.” “And this?” (she is at the age when it is difficult to tell) The husband goes alone now until the onset of “This is my daughter.” middle age, when the doctor discovers a murmur “Oh” in his heart. She takes care of their child, now She's too young to hear the wealth of sympathy only one, helping him through measles, mumps, in that ‘Oh’; though later, when the toys are chicken pox, PTA meetings, and even finds time to gradually being replaced by other past-times, make regular trips to the ancestral home where she dimly senses that something is wrong. her in-laws reside, proving herself as devoted a “Mummy, why can’t I go to the party?” daughter in law as she is a mother and wife. “Because you’re my darling daughter, and I The devotion is put to test some years later, love you too much to let you go.” when the husband is felled by two heart-attacks “But Samir’s going - don’t you love him?” in quick succession, leaving him a near-invalid. “Oh darling, how funny you are.” A hug and the kiss accompany this; they are She nurses him now, though bouts of sweating and fevers, through every little chill which might poor substitutes. prove fatal. She is forced to learn new skills, skills

SHORT STORY she never knew she possessed; skills she never should have had to learn. Her husband loves her now more than ever. Who would want to be tied to an invalid after all, and at such an early age. “My wife,” he says fondly, gazing up at her, “is my life.” And so life goes on. She remains dutiful and devoted, except that somewhere inside, something has gone wrong. The neighbours say that her heart was broken by her daughter’s death, or her husband’s illness; and broken it must have been, for one day it suddenly stops. As a reward for a lifetime of goodness she goes, of course, to Heaven -- her mother had always told her that was where all good girls go. At the gate, she is greeted by a St. Peter/ Yama figure, a multicultural product of her multicultural upbringing. She can see him only partially through the gates, since his head is buried in a large book. “Who goes there?” he asks, as she has been expecting him to ask. What else does St.Peter/ Yama say, anyway? “It is...” she stops. A lifetime of answering “Yes, I am Dev’s daughter” to familiar strangers on the street; “I am Rob’s wife” at the office

New Year’s party; “I am Neil’s mother” at the interminable PTA meetings have left her incapable of remembering who she is. Or perhaps memory is not to blame: did she, after all, really take time off to answer the all-important question? “Well, who?” comes the question again, the voice becoming impatient. “I am...not..” again she falters. “You must be someone,” argues the voice. “I am no one. I have been a daughter, a wife, and a mother. Now, I am no one. Nothing.” she says with a defiant despair. “Come in, my dear,” says St. Peter/Yama, his voice suddenly gentle. “There is a special place here for you, for all those like you. You do not have to say that you are no one. You will be Someone.” The huge, gilded gates glide open, the celestial music begins to play (Handel’s Messiah, she notes) and the figure lays his arm gently around her shoulders and leads her inside. As a feeling of utter peace and contentment overcomes her, she hears him say: “You shall be my sister.” Soma Mitra-Chubb

my thoughts on indonesia... If there's one thing I've learnt to do here in Jakarta, it is the art of 'Mono- tasking'. With our lives full of multi-tasking, time coordinating, children juggling, traffic pumping I have somehow managed to take time everyday to SLOW DOWN and focus on one task at a time. And I have found an inner peace in doing so. It took me 6 months of de-stressing from a few international moves to actually take my swim and cup of tea or coffee in the garden every morning and enjoy every sip, every breath and live in the moment- without the toxic barrage of thoughts and anxieties of my 'To do list' crowding my thoughts. It took some self training. Indonesian people live very much in the moment. Every job is done with purpose. They are not worrying about time. Things will get done....eventually. They will turn up when they get there and they will start their day and open their businesses when they are ready. They smile and laugh with their families. Living here is a big lesson in patience. It has taken a whole year to get used to all the nuances in this place and it has changed me forever. I will always remember- 'It's not the destination- but the journey getting there that is the real adventure!' So 'take a Zen moment my friends', breathe.....and enjoy the ride.... God bless Indonesia, I will miss thee. Deb Golden

FEATURE

Life After Help: A Returning Expat ’s Account Well, hello housework, how are you? Long time no see. How lovely it is to spend time again with you; hours and hours of meaningful interaction and the satisfying feeling that we will get to do it all again the next day, safe in the knowledge that my family will notice and appreciate our relationship. Said no returning expat. Ever.

Masters. And became a Lady Who Lunched. There may have been trips to spas, and malls, and fancy cocktail events. I learned that a creambath did not involve literally getting into a bath of cream. I was introduced to the concept of a Lemon Gin Sorbet. At lunchtime. All while people were cleaning my house.

While our Pembantu (domestic help) looked Gone is the pernickety Ibu, head of the after our children, when she eventually married household, living in her own tropical Downton and had children, she struggled with her own Abbey. Now I actively smell the sheets on the bed childcare arrangements. Girls from the village and think they can last another week without being can no longer be enticed to come look after her changed. I purchase "easy-iron" clothing or even kids, they are all in the Middle East and Malaysia "no-iron" if I can find them. Electric appliances now. She can't afford to give up working, yet are my constant companions. I have even given she can no longer find affordable childcare in Jakarta. Ironically, the same problem I struggled the dishwasher a name (Doris Smeg). with 10 years ago in the UK. It has become a big As I consider what's for dinner tonight (we are issue for debate; behind every successful working working my way through our suitcase supply of mother in the new booming economies of Asia, Indofood Nasi Goreng paste), I pause to consider how many other workingwomen are there? Life After Help. Over the years I gave up trying to share some Like most western ex-pats, I did not grow up of my slacker housekeeping tips with my staff. I with "staff" in our household. As a result, on first gave up suggesting that tea towels, underwear, arriving in Jakarta, the thought of having people and socks really didn't need to be ironed, and in my home helping me was mortifying, even trainers didn't need to be washed weekly. But I also tried in Jakarta to instill some life-skills into scandalous. Yet also incredibly tempting. my offspring. Two very small tasks; "take your Within a few months I had succumbed to the full plates to the kitchen, and clean the toilet after package. Affordable, caring childcare, a clean yourself". Every other household task I eventually home, and delicious Indonesian and Western conceded to, but having someone else clean our food (better than anything I could make) served poo off a toilet bowl was more than my usually every evening. What's not to love? dormant Catholic guilt could cope with. My typical I also had great company, someone who rant began “when we get back to England...." showed me the ropes, introducing me to the And now we are back. The good news is idiosyncrasies of Indonesia. If I had grown up There is Life After Pembantu. There is a small with servants or staff I would have not thought feel-good factor attached to purchasing all my this appropriate. Instead, I was, and always will eco-friendly cleaning agents, strictly enforcing be, filled with gratitude and respect. re-cycling duties, and turning boring chores into While other people were cleaning up our mess, quality family time – Friday Night Sock Game, I spent quality time with my child, had another two teams, who can match the most socks. Funny baby, worked in emergency teams in a few how I always win. natural disasters, joined every school committee, Friends with small children talk about the initial classroom volunteer, wrote a bit and studied for a

FEATURE/COMMUNITY shock of having no driver, or getting into cars and asking "what's the driver's name?" Mummy is the new Pak Trisno. It can be a huge shock. One summer back home for holidays, after several years in Jakarta, I got into the diver's seat. Immediate screaming ensued from the back. I turned around in a panic to see what had happened; big tears and wild panic in the eyes of a two and six-year old. "Mummy's driving and we're gonna die!" They wailed. Harrumph.

that doing one's own housework brings it's own freedom. Either that or I really, really need a job. About Rosaleen Cunningham Rosaleen is a freelance writer and communications adviser. She specialises in communicating in disasters, though communicating with her own children can be stressful enough. She is Irish, lived in Jakarta over the last 10 years and now lives in Oxford, England.

As I stand here making a breakfast involving This piece originally appeared online in bacon (another previously guilt-ridden activity in Jakarta), slobbishly half-dressed, ranting Magdalene (www.magdalene.co), a Jakartaback at the radio commentator, squeezing one based webmagazine dedicated to feminism, more dirty mug into Doris, I have discovered empowerment and diversity-related issues.

ANNOUNCING THE OPENING OF THE CORNER SHOP

The BWA is excited to try out a new resource at the House in the coming days and weeks! “The Corner Shop” is a small collection of knick knacks that you just can’t find in the usual places in Jakarta. We will be selling items like: • Cards; • Wrapping paper; • Candles; • Jewelry; • Small household items; • Small soft furnishing etc, and; • Anything else that would look attractive to sell in a small boutique shop. So please come in for a browse anytime the house is open. 11

InTRODUCING DEVERE GROUP - BWA HOUSE SPONSORS Introducing deVere Group Ever wondered how you could advance towards the noble objective of securing financial freedom to help provide the best possible lifestyle opportunities for yourself and your family? If so, deVere Group, your new sponsors can help, as this is at the very core of all our work with our clients.

deVere Indonesia deVere have two offices in Indonesia: onein Bali and the other in Jakarta. Each is managed by professional, experienced financial consultants who are backed by the comprehensive infrastructure of a robust, responsibleglobal organisation.

deVere Group

What does this mean for you? Quite simply, worldclass independent financial advice, and access to Established in 2002, deVere Group is one of the industry leading financial planning solutions and world’s largest independent financial advisory investment opportunities. organisations, and is global market leader offering specialist financial solutions to expatriates and Proven, professional expertise available from internationally-focused investors. deVere Indonesia’s financial consultants include Investment Strategy, Pension Planning, Education Here are some of our credentials, deVere Group Fee Planning, Mortgages, QROPS, EURBS and transacts business in more than 100 countries; the QNOPS. All are designed to deliver long term organisation has over 80,000 clients, with more financial security and all are at the leading edge of than $10 billion under advisement. And is still the cross-border financial services industry. continuing to grow. With our global presence, our market-leading and often exclusive products, and our strategic alliances with globally-recognised financial institutions, deVere’s experienced wealth advisers are uniquelyplaced to help you safeguard, maximise and grow your wealth. deVere and the BWA The now established partnership between deVere Group and the British Women’s Association is one of a natural synergy.deVere and the BWA are both focal points of the expatriate community in Jakarta and share many of the same goals, visions and ambitions in this most attractive part of the world.

One to one As proud BWA sponsors, deVere invites you to ask any questions you may have - including what the abbreviations QROPS, EURBS and QNOPS stand for! The Jakarta office is always open; call in. Or a deVere financial consultant will be happy to call round to you. Best of all, together, deVere and BWA can now enjoy each others’ company whether for financial planning, charitable works or simply as a focal point for expatriates living and working in Indonesia.

Nick Marshall: Senior Wealth Manager Perhaps one of the most significant similarities is the ethos behind the charitable works that both PT deVere Indonesia the BWA and deVere undertake. ALAMANDA TOWER 22th floor, unit A Jl.TB.SimatupangKav. 23-24 Through your Association, your charity fund- Cilandak Barat, Jakarta Selatan 12430 raising commendably helps those in-need, creating Indonesia a real and lasting positive impact on the local Phone: +62 21 2966 0388 community. And that’s precisely the philosophy Email : nick.marshall@devere-group.com shared by deVere, which is also committed in using Website : www.devere-group.com its time and resources to making a difference in the communities in which it operates.

RESTAURANT REVIEWS

baconerie Jalan Benda Raya 1C, South Jakarta T: +62 821 1205 7725 Closed on Mondays

Mary Ann Wiley, lately of Jakarta, is best known for her classified email list on which you can advertise everything from your second hand bike to excess stocks of expired wheatgerm. However I personally remember her best for imparting the knowledge that “everything tastes better with bacon.” In Baconerie, a restaurant for dedicated enthusiasts of pork, this sprit is alive and well. We wandered in for an impromptu lunch one afternoon, to be pleasantly surprised both by the quality of food and the innovation. I ordered their Baconerie burger - a 50% bacon burger which was extremely tasty. My companion had a ham sandwich, which was fantastic – with caramelised onion, melted emmental cheese, and rocket, it truly was a thing of beauty. All this was topped off by their bacon fries (because everything DOES taste better with bacon). There was aslo an option of candied bacon , but we passed. Baconeri has a bakery which does really good coffee cake as well as something called roti mountain – not sure what exactly is in it, but looked great. And they’re happy to share their excellent pork products – once you’re stuffed to capacity, you’ve got the option to buy cold meats to take away for later. So, the next time you’re in the mood for a bacon fix, head off to Jalan Benda and grab a table. We’re going back as soon as possible if only to get our hands on more of that ham sandwich.

colonial CUISINE and molecular

Lippo Mall Kemang Village Jl P Antasari No 36 South Jakarta (021) 29056891

Colonial opened two years ago and at the time was one of the few restaurants in Jakarta to offer molecular cuisine. Based on principles of reducing food to its essential elements, molecular cuisine relies heavily on presenting food with a twist – unexpected textures and tastes in familiar food. At the time Colonial also offered both a French menu and an Indian menu which was much loved by regular patrons. Two years on, the emphasis is very much on the molecular: In addition to a revamped food menu, they’ve upped their offering of molecular cocktails – with cocktails that you can eat such as ‘caviar’ (specially infused globules which explode in your mouth) or the orange flavoured vodka jelly which arrives in a segment of orange peel. We were given a chance to sample all this and more at their special Second Anniversary evening, featuring a new degustation menu. It was with some trepidation that we approached – my husband used to joke that ‘molecular’ referred to the cuisine well as to portion size! However the menu was well planned and the relaxed pace allowed us to savour the food before the arrival of each next course. The fois gras starter was followed by a portion of bluefin tuna, slightly seared, followed by duck cooked three ways (all three were good!) and, just at the point where were thinking “is this it?” along came the final main course– perfectly cooked beef with trimmings. The dessert was almost too much – but of course we managed to find room for it. 13

SOCIAL DIARY

The BWA

Saturday 4th October The first event of the season was a pub night – with a Mexican twist! Guests were served sangria, danced salsa and even had a piñata – what a bash!

Well done, Berni on the success of your first event as BWA events coordinator - and big thanks to the rest of the events team! Event sponsored by

RECIPES

DIPS 'N' THINGS This month's recipes come from Tamzin Bianchi who, apart from being the BWA's new Producer for the 2015 Fashion Show is also pretty handy in the kitchen.

OLIVE TAPENADE 3 cloves garlic, peeled 1 cup pitted Kalamata olives 2 tbsp capers, drained 3 tbsp chopped fresh parsley 2 tbsp lemon juice 2 tbsp olive oil Salt and pepper, to taste A dash or two of balsamic vinegar, to taste Place the garlic cloves into a blender or food processor and pulse to mince. Add the olives, capers, parsley, lemon juice, and olive oil. Blend until everything is finely chopped. Season to taste with salt and pepper. According to taste, add a dash or two of Balsamic vinegar. NotesCan be very garlicky, so make sure your partner tucks in also or, alternatively either omit and use garlic powder, reduce the quantity, or you can blanch minced garlic before adding. If contemplating the latter use a hand mincer for the garlic. This is great mixed through pasta, those mediterranean style sauces needing a bit of a punchy edge, as a dip, on the base of a sandwich or bruschetta, served with poultry, meat or even fish.

TARTARE SAUCE 200g whole egg mayonaise, can be slightly sweet 3 shallots, finely sliced Â˝ medium local* continental cucumber, peeled and diced, can be cored if juicy Â˝ medium imported* carrot, finely diced Squeeze of lime juice to taste Salt and pepper to taste Place everything in a bowl and mix. Notes*this is for the size factor only, although imported carrots tend to be a little sweeter. In our house my husband and I devour this with fish and yes those shallots are raw and fabulous so the kids do not go anywhere near it! This is also fab dolloped on a green salad, a sandwich or with cold chicken.

RECIPES

TURKISH TOMATO & PEPPER DIP

Adapted from BBC Good Food UK Edition, July 2010

Adapted from BBC Good Food 2 deseeded plum tomatoes 1 small red pepper 1 small red onion 1 tbsp tomato Puree 1 tbsp Extra Virgin Olive Oil 1 tbsp Red Wine Vinegar 1 tbsp Chopped Parsley ½ tsp Ground Coriander ½ tsp Paprika Pinch of dried chili to taste Salt and pepper to taste Finely dice tomatoes, red pepper and red onion, it’s worth it trust me Mix tomato puree, olive oil, vinegar, parsley, coriander and paprika Add tomatoes, pepper and onion, mix Season with salt and pepper Add chili flakes if desired NotesYou can add fresh coriander, a couple of finely chopped Kaffir lime leaves, fresh chili according to your prefered hotness factor. Also you can exchange balsamic vinegar for the red wine vinegar. This is fabulous as a dip, an alternative to a standard bruschetta topping, with fish, poultry, red meat, haloumi, etc. My kids are not fans of raw onion so I blanch a few finely chopped spring onions instead so there is a very subtle onion flavour.

CAPSICUM & MACADAMIA PESTO Adapted from ABC Delicious Summer 3 capsicums, roasted and skins removed (see below) 75g macadamia nuts, roasted 2 tbsp chopped coriander leaves 2 tbsp spring onion 2 tbsp chopped ginger 40g grated Parmesan cheese 1 small red chili, seeds removed 60ml extra virgin olive oil 1 tbsp lemon juice Salt and pepper to taste Process all ingredients except the oil and lemon juice in a food processor until smooth. While the motor is running, slowly add the oil followed by the juice. Process to a paste, add salt and pepper to taste For those wondering, here is “How to Roast Capsicum” from Taste.com.au Roast capsicum in a 200°C oven until the skin is charred and blistered. Transfer to a sealable plastic bag. Set aside for 10 minutes. The steam helps to lift the skin. Peel the skin and discard. Don’t rinse the flesh – it ruins the flavour. Remove the stem and seeds. Slice as desired. I like to freeze peeled ginger in useable chunks and grate as required. In this recipe I would suggest using 1 tbsp, but it’s up to personal taste. Again my kids are not fans of raw spring onions so I blanch them leaving a very subtle flavour. I also increased the Parmesan to about 55g and added salt and pepper to taste. The orginal recipe matches this with Sword Fish, see pic, but I have used other meaty styles also, Dory and Snapper. You can also marry it with red meat, poultryand haloumi or have it as a dip with veggies.

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NEWS

WEIRD & WONDERFUL NEWS Japanese Company invents Hugging Chair A hug used to take two people, but that's changed thanks to a Japanese company that has invented a

chair that hugs you. The “Tranquility Chair” is built in the shape of a huge fabric doll equipped with long arms that people can wrap around themselves for around-the-clock affection whenever they want. The chair costs roughly £260 - with a friendly face and fetching hat - has been designed by UniCare to combat loneliness in older people. But it can be used by anyone willing to be seen with one in their living rooms, and can even be adapted for wheelchair users.

"They are comforting for people who live alone - they can talk to them and hug them," said a UniCare spokesman. "They also play old Japanese music, which is nostalgic for older people." "They also play old Japanese music, which is nostalgic for older people." The chair - designed to help make people feel safe - comes as figures show a quarter of Japan's population is currently over the age of 65, a number expected to reach 40% in the coming decades.

Photographer dyes flock of sheep in rainbow colours A photographer named Gray Malin has dyed flocks of sheep in various colours - all to be able to photogtaph them The original inspiration came from a story Malin read in his youth about a Scottish farmer who coloured the fleece of his flock in an effort to deter thieves who had been regularly stealing his sheep at night. So he decided to go out and recreate it (as you do). For anyone worried about how the animals might feel about this, Malin worked with a team of experts and Australian sheep farmers to craft and apply a non-toxic, vegetable dye that rinses off with water. They applied the pigment using the same tool used to administer spray for ticks and lice.

A road in New Mexico will play songs for drivers To get drivers in New Mexico to slow down, a road that plays music is being installed along Route 66. It's set to stretch from Albuquerque to a mountain town called Tijeras, and will have rumble strips that play a song as long as the driver is going the speed limit. New Mexico Transportation Secretary Tom Church says the road is a fun way to reward people for going to speed limit, and also a loud way to wake up drivers who might fall asleep behind the wheel.

NEWS MICKEY MOUSE MONEY NOW LEGAL TENDER Where do you find coins with the Queen on one side and Mickey Mouse on the other? On a tiny Pacific Island called Niue. This island, located close to New Zealand, has issued legal tender coins featuring Disney characters as a special Christmas treat. Niue is a self-governing state associated with New Zealand, which is why HM Queen Elizabeth is the island's monarch, and thus appears on the coins. Apparently, this is not the first time Niue has issued such coins. In the past, they have also had Pokemon and Star Wars dollars. The coins are legal tender, but they’re really more of a collectible; apparently a collection of four of the silver Star wars $2 coins costs NZ$469 (£240). That’s not Mickey Mouse money then.

Pythons turn ‘masseurs’ at Philippines Zoo Cebu Zoo in the Philippines is offering massages to visitors – by a bunch of snakes. The scaly masseurs in question are huge Burmese reticulated pythons weighing in at over 550 pounds each. Visitors to the zoo are supposed to lie on a wooden platform while the snake handlers place four huge pythons on top of you (while you, presumably, hope that they aren’t hungry). The rather slim reason given was that raising the victim’s adrenaline levels was supposed to reduce their stress, but a zoo official interviewed by a local TV station said that this was, in fact, a way for people to learn more about the snakes and to perhaps help them overcome their fears. So there will be no happy endings.

Beautiful sculpture support power lines Electricity pylons, or transmission towers, usually aren't the most interesting structures, just basic towers that keep electrical wires aloft. But some architects have designed innovative towers that are more than mere eyesores. International architects Choi and Shine have designed a series of pylon towers called The Land of Giants which are designed to be beautiful as well as functional – essentially, they are gigantic human shaped towers which can support electrical lines across the landscape. The pylon-figures can be configured to mirror their environment too. As the electrical lines ascend a hill, the pylon-figures change posture, imitating a climbing person. Over long spans, the pylon-figure stretches up (for increased height) or crouches (for increased strength or strains). The pylonfigures can be placed in pairs, walking in the same direction or opposite directions, glancing at each other as they pass by or kneeling respectively, head bowed at a town.

TRAVEL

Malang–

A city in Java

I stood outside the Tugu Hotel in Malang, pondering which becak(cycle rickshaw)driver I was going to use for the day. All of them were sporting tennis ball sizecalf muscles, however half of them were asleep, which is no wonder because their work is hot, physical and strenuous. As I stood at the front of the becak line, miraculously,like dominoes, they awoke from their dozy daytime slumber one by one and sat upright, ready to vie for the business. Soon enough I was whisked off to see the sights of this fair city. Malang is the second largest city in East Java, with a population of 1.2 million. It has a cool mountain air climate and is ringed by breathtaking highland scenery. As you go

by pedal-power down the small streets and back roads, you encounter stately old colonial Dutch homes, mostly built in the 1930s and 1940s. We cut down a series of green-leafy back streets between Jalan Semeru, Jalan Welirang and the main boulevard, Jalan Ijen. It was a perfect escapefrom the heat and noise of the main road and I felt myself drifting into another world of imperial times when Indonesia wasunder Dutch rule. These historic homes, many beautified by cloaks of colourful bougainvillea, give an air of rich elegance to the old city of Malang, and indeed Jalan Ijen, the most prestigious street in Malang, is known locally as “millionaire row” with houses fetching well over the United States one million dollar mark.

TRAVEL My next adventure was on foot and surprisingly only a three minutes walk from my downtown hotel, positioned at the main roundabout and next to the city hall. I was able to cut down a narrow lane to Bird Street and discover the very interesting local market, Pasar Bunga, which branches to the left for birds and to the right for bunga (flowers). Many varieties of birds are for sale at the market including parrots, rare and exotic birds and brown owlsplus animals includingrabbits, guinea pigs and snakes. Live-feed wriggly worms and strange-looking insects fill large troughs and if you look for a small gap between the densely packed shop fronts, you can catch a great view looking out over the patchwork ofrooftops which hug the side of River Brantas, that threads and weaves its waythrough Malang’s many kampungs (villages). An amble through the flower market, whichpacks a plethora of houseplants, watering cans and beautiful flowers, is a delight to the senses of sight and smell. On the way back to the hotel I was intrigued by the maze of tiny gangs (lanes) and asked my becak driver to stop. On foot, I went exploring the other world of Malang, the community kampongs, where tiny run-down houses sit between very old Dutch worker’s cottages and cross a network of Dutch canals. I felt like I had discovered an oasis in the middle of the city. Next, I headed off by car into the mountains to explore the Wonosari Tea Plantation on the slopes of Mount Arjuno. After thirty minutes, I arrived at this sprawling 700hectare plantation, which was first planted in 1910. The tea bushes are still the original bushes planted by the Dutch and produce tea to this very day. There are over 500 workers at the estate and I stopped and talked with Ibu Tiani, who has been leaf picking since she was a young girl. “I live in Gebug and I have been picking since 1980,” she told me, “I work six days a week from 6am to 3pm. I am an experienced picker and on average I pick around 50 kg of leaf a day. In rainy season I can get up to 75 kg,” she said adjusting her heavy sack strapped across her back. “I would like to work in the tea factory but I keep turning down the offers.It's not good money. I make better money, picking.” Ibu Tiani’s mother worked as a picker and her children also pick for a living. She was a very happy soul and explained to me how she works in a group with 12 women and one man, “He helps with the heavy lifting work,”

she explained. The tour through the tea factory was fascinating. It’s a 24/7 operation and I was surprised to discover the 10pm to 9am shift is the most productive. The leaves are picked fresh every day and end up in the drying racks. When they are half-dry, they are processed over night. The process from bush to bag is pretty quick. Huge sacks of graded tea filled the factory storeroom, with the high-gradetea labelled for export and low grade destined for tea bags and the local market. Malang is a great destination for a getaway weekend and staying at the Tugu, the delightful art and romance hotel of Malang, allows you a bit of luxury after discovering the many treasures of the city and surrounding mountains. Story by Stephanie Brookes Photos by David Metcalf Stephanie Brookes is a travel writer and blogger with tales from Indonesia and beyond.www.travelwriter.ws David Metcalf (masterclass photographer – Garuda) runs half-day photo tours in Bali and specialist photography/cultural tours in Kalimantan, India and Alaska. David's next tour, called Orangutans, Wildlife & Borneo Adventure is a wildlife photo workshop tour to see Orangutans on the 20-27 Nov, 2014. David will explain camera settings and improve your photography skills. Bring any type of camera – if you have I-pad or I-phone that’s OK. David also offers half and full day photo tours of Bali. See trip advisor or web for reviews from past participants. www. davidmetcalfphotography.com

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HEALTH

Lose Weight, Lift Weights:

Strength Training for Women & How it Can Help You Lose Weight and Stay Healthy

"Weight-training? Oh, no way!! I don't want to look like a man!" Maybe you've heard your friends say this or thought the exact thing yourself. Don't worry, no matter how heavy you lift, you never will develop the physique of The Rock and start body slamming your friends and bench pressing their Kijangs. Let's make this clear: you will not get bulky. According to the Women's Heart Foundation, women have high levels of estrogen and not enough testosterone in our bodies to build bulging biceps the way our male counterparts do. In fact, when women lift weights, we are toning and strengthening our muscles rather than building massive size. The following are five reasons why women (and men) should lift weights to stay healthy.

pumping iron. Resistance training is crucial to stay healthy and be able to open that stubborn can of olives or lug around that oversized suitcase full of your favorite outfits and shoes through the airport. 2. Controls weight and increases your metabolism. When you train with weights, you build lean muscle mass. Having lean muscles will increase your metabolism. With a higher metabolism, you are able to lose fat because your body is burning more calories, even while sunbathing at the pool or indulging in cream baths and full-body massages with your girlfriends. After a session of weight training, you can burn 100 additional calories throughout the rest of the day as opposed to on a day when you are not training. One hundred calories may not seem like a lot, but this will add up and you will be able to lose weight with time without changing your diet at all (unless, of course, you want to).

1. Preserves muscle mass and helps you stay strong for everyday life. People tend to think that as you age, you naturally lose muscle mass. This is not true. Rather, the reason why people lose their strength is through several years of neglect - too many hours in front of the TV or 3. Keeps your bones healthy and reduces computer and too few hours weight training risk of osteoporosis. in the gym. It could also be too many hours When you lift weights, you put your on the treadmill or elliptical and not enough bones under stress. It's this stress that 26

HEALTH influences them to stay strong and dense. Otherwise, when you sit around on your couch watching your favorite TV shows, you make life far too easy for your bones and they will eventually become porous and week. Even activities such as swimming and cycling are not weight-bearing since your body is being supported either by the water or by the bike. You need to lift weights to keep your bones under stress so they are able to build themselves up. The heavier you lift, the more stress you put on your bones. This stress is what stimulates your bones to build themselves up, preventing them from getting weak and brittle and decreasing your chances of osteoporosis. 4. Prevents injuries. Strong bones and strong muscles go hand in hand to prevent injuries. When you train your body properly, you work your core, your balance, and your flexibility. Your bones, core muscles, and reflexes all work together to regain your balance when you slip on that magician curb that appeared out of nowhere. The stronger your core is, the less back injuries you will have, as well. 5. Look great and feel better. Anyone who works out with weights will not only feel better, but you can also see that their body transforms into a healthier, stronger, leaner, and toner version. Once you start strength training, you will notice your clothes fit you better, your achy back stops hurting, you improve your posture, and you become happier and more confident. You may notice people at the gym running on treadmills like hamsters on a wheel and think that may be what you

have to do to lose weight and get healthier. Think again. If you are looking to firm, lift, build and lose that excess fat around your abdominal region and anywhere else on your body, you can make it happen with a few hours a week of strength training. How do I get started? One of the easiest ways to get started with weight training is by using your own body weight with push-ups, pull-ups, and body weight squats. You can also get a set of dumbbells or use the ones at the gym to do biceps curls and shoulder presses. Learn your way around the fitness center and use the machines and barbells there, too. If you are traveling often, you can pick up rubber resistance tubes (they look like large colorful rubber bands) that you can pack with you. They take up very little space and you can get a full body workout right in your hotel room. Make sure that your form with each exercise is correct and aim for 2-3 sets of 10-20 repetitions. If you are looking for professional guidance, there are many local personal trainers who will be happy to help you for very reasonable rates. Sunshine Biskaps About the Author: Sunshine Biskaps is a National Academy of Sports Medicine (NASM) Certified Personal Trainer and NASM Certified Weight Loss Specialist. She is from Washington, DC and moved to Jakarta in August 2014 with her Australian husband Aaron. This is her family's second assignment in Jakarta and she is thrilled to be back here! You can reach her directly: contact@sunshinejennifer.com.

A note on Ryokkans

Your Grapevine needs you!

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Moving

The Grapevine needs contributors – if you have a story to tell, or would like to review a film, a book or a restaurant, get in touch! Or, if you simply like pootling round Jakarta taking photos, then we have a place for you. The Grapevine is always looking for interesting photographs for our cover.

Real Estate

Articles can be as long or as short as you like; we run any number of words from 350 – 1200. If you are interested please write to: grapevine@bwajakarta.org

FAMILY

AGENT x - PREPARE TO BE STUCK Agent X Jl Kemang Raya No 72 (next to Anomali) T: (021) 71794090 Opening Hours Mon - Thu: 13:00 - 22:00 Fri - Sat: 12:00 - 00:00 Sun: 13:00 - 22:00

As promised in the last issue, we visited Agent X, one of two ‘Reality Escape Games’ in Jakarta. This is a new concept, apparently a spin off from a video game. Opinion is divided (ie, Wikipedia doesn’t say) as to whether they originate from Japan or the US. However they have been gaining in popularity since the first commercial games were set up in 2012.

I won’t tell you how the game progressed; only that it was mostly looking around for clues to open locked drawers, boxes and reveal secret openings. The adults in the group started off fairly blasé (“we’re just doing this for the children”) but pretty soon we were running around and looking frantically for clues along with the children.

Reality escape room games are a bit like Murder Mystery games; essentially it’s a sort of puzzle simulation game in which you are locked in a room with other participants and have to work your way out using clues available to you. Agent X had four themed games - Treasure Hunt, Professor's J Mansion, Planet Z and Escape from Alcatraz and we had 60 minutes to escape from the game

What I will tell you is that it was surprisingly hard – although they allow children as young as 8 years, I would say that this is one for at least teenagers. You need to think fairly laterally, and clues in earlier parts of the game are needed later on.

We chose Treasure Hunt which was the second level of difficulty.We were a bit nervous, especially when they started handing out torches– were we going to need them? Er, yes, for the very first section you are led down a flight of stairs to a locked door and told to try to work out the combination for the lock to get into the room. Thankfully this part was easy – the hardest bit was holding the torch steady to work the locks!

Needless to say, we flunked – our first call for help (you are allowed a certain number of ‘cheats’) came in the second room and when 60 minutes had elapsed, we were still in room Three being helped by a nice lady. You do have the option of paying a second time to go round again (obviously to better your score) but we decided to leave it for another day. I would say that this is a nice way to spend a Saturday afternoon – just be prepared to go round at least twice! Soma Mitra-Chubb 29

ADVICE

Dear Anonymous Anonymous is back with the solution to all your problems. Have you got something you'd like advice on? Write to grapevine@bwajakarta.org Dear Anonymous My colleagues have asked me along to a karaoke session but I’m terrible at singing. How can I gracefully get out of this ordeal? If you find an excuse you’ll just get invited some other time- people clearly want to hear you sing and will ask you until you finally crack. You need a permanent fix to this. Best suggestion is to accept and, with all enthusiasm, insist on picking the first song. I believe “Shine on You Crazy Diamond” is particularly effective- 17 solid minutes of Pink Floyd will bore anyone to tears and best of all, the first 12 minutes are instrumental. By the time you start singing, everyone else will be on a ciggy break outside plotting ways to ensure you never get invited again.

Dear Anonymous My wife is getting irrationally excited because an IKEA catalogue has just materialized on our doorstep. How can I stop her filling the house with cheap, pale shelving next year? I share your agony my friend. However, you need to reach back to those painful Sundays back in the UK and remember the worst bit is not to do with owning the furniture at all- it’s being forced to walk around a blue and yellow warehouse in Wembley Park while your wife figures out whether she wants to buy Billy, Trysil or Tarva. This time round, Jakarta gives you the ideal excuse to avoid five hours of purgatoryhey presto, you’ve now got the perfect cover for your morning round of golf!

Dear Anonymous I have a truly troublesome employee who keeps embarrassing me and getting my organisation into trouble. However, paying him off would be prohibitively expensive. What should I do? Difficult one this as I know we’ve been working this problem offline together already. Looks like my original suggestion to send him driving across Argentina in a car carrying Falklands number plates almost worked but he somehow made it back. Looks like you’re just going to have to bite the bullet and pay him off.

Dear Anonymous My boy is starting to get interested in football but I know very little about it. I was wondering what UK football team he ought to start supporting. If it helps, he’s from London. London eh? Well tradition would most likely point towards Manchester United. However, on current form you’d be setting the lad up for a childhood of disappointment. You could try a local team with a slightly better chance of winning something before your boy comes of age- Leyton Orient perhaps? Not sure they stock the shirts in Lippo Mall though.