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Thursday, March 28, 2019
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FROM left: Meagan beside our late and beloved Ms. Haw with her gold medal at Grade 2; the attendees of the recent talk I had in Bacoor, Cavite, titled “Reality Parenting: Where Discipline Starts”; and Marcus last year winning bronze at the World Sakamoto Math Competition in Malaysia.
Reality parenting: Where discipline starts — Part I DR. Lia Bernardo, psychoneurologist
‘30-SECOND THOUGHTS FOR 30 DAYS’
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MOMMY NO LIMITS
MAYE YAO CO SAY
mommynolimits@gmail.com
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INCE late last year, I have been working with some schools in Cavite on parent development. At the start of 2019, one of the administrators of a school in Bacoor, Cavite, shared that parents would often find difficulty in the area of “child discipline.” Last Saturday, I was able to share with a vibrant group of parents my view on where discipline starts. It was great that my dad and my daughter Meagan were able to be with me for this talk. In October 2016, I wrote a two-part column on “reality parenting.” For this week, let me contextualize “reality parenting” to the area of child discipline. What are the realities we must face as a parent? First, we were an “I” before we got married. With us, come our childhood memories, dreams and, at times, frustrations. We bring with us memories of how we were disciplined. There is the silent expectation that employing our parents’ way of discipline—say, just giving the child a warning look (Makuha ka sa isang tingin) or physical punishment even—would yield the same results for our own children. Second, when we got married, there were two “I’s” that now exist. Both our partner and our I find a convergence of family goals and values to form a
parenting self or what I call “parenteam.” In our case, my husband and I agreed that we do this by forte or by specialties. Since Vinson is the athlete in the family, he sets the rules on sports and recreational activities, including rules on technology. Since my forte is academic and child development, I set the pace on learning through play and schoolwork. The third reality is, like any individual, our family unit is also part of a social environment. Around us are our family, friends, the school environment, social media and the like. Hence, judgment is all around. For example, when our child cries because he or she wants candy, if we say yes, a person around us might say we are spoiling our child. If we do not, another person might say we are being too harsh in depriving our child of something simple or basic. For me, this example calls for what I term as “parental center of gravity.” Parents must be confident about what their family value systems are. This entails setting family goals. For my husband and I, our goal is to raise happy and fulfilled children. We do not mind that their interests are dissimilar to ours. In disciplining our kids, we believe that enjoying what our kids love is OK but not to the point of self-detriment. Discipline requires looking back at each of our histories as individuals and defining what this term means to you as a couple, not what it means for people around you. It requires finding the positive points to “relativize” in your present family life. Because I was a consistent honor student, people might think I had a rigid organized schedule. On the contrary, I was actually on the phone quite often. I was often tutoring my friends till past 9 pm before I started my own homework. At some point, I learned to drink coffee and would stay up studying till 3 am. I was also spending most of my time in school for extracurricular activities. My parents
did not fully approve of this. However, all they said was, “As long as you keep your first honor status, you can apply the routine you prefer.” My husband’s side valued routine especially at bedtime. He also discovered much discipline in his sports. We merge these principles by adopting different rigidity of rules at each point. In their infant to preschool years, we were more scheduleoriented, especially on naps and bedtime. When they reached grade school, we paved their way to set annual goals for themselves. Then we mutually set rules with our kids that would get them closer to their goals. Because our kids are three years apart and differ greatly in personality, they have different sets of goals, and we have also set differentiated rules for themselves. This means we have a general rule we set but may tweak it a bit for each of them depending on circumstance. Our kids might not be seen as “disciplined” in the way others, like my older family relatives, expect. They do not just sit quietly in one corner. They are probably not the most tidy and proper kids. But as long as my husband and I are confident we are raising our kids to be happy and fulfilled, we stand by our principles in disciplining our kids. Today, both my kids love schoolwork. They are both Principal Awardees in school. They are both involved in multiple sports like basketball and fencing. Marcus started violin at four and has increasingly loved the instrument now that he is nine. He practices without my prodding. Meagan joins MTAP competitions and asks me if she can have additional tutoring for this. I believe our discipline style has encouraged our kids to be accountable early on. They know that discipline is a means to reach their own goals, and not a fearful tool for us to exert authority. To be continued.... n
Why rich parents are more likely to be unethical By DAViD m. mAyer University of Michigan FEDERAL attorneys have arrested 50 people in a college admission scam that allowed wealthy parents to buy their kids’ admission to elite universities. Prosecutors found that parents together paid up to $6.5 million to get their kids into college. The list includes celebrity parents such as actresses Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin. Some might ask why did these parents fail to consider the moral implications of their actions? My 20 years of research in moral psychology suggests many reasons why people behave in an unethical manner. When it comes to the wealthy, research shows that they will go to great lengths to maintain their higher status. A sense of entitlement plays a role. HOW PEOPLE RATIONALIZE LET’S first consider what allows people to act unethically and yet not feel guilt or remorse. Research shows that people are good at rationalizing unethical actions that serve their selfinterest. The success, or failure, of one’s children often has implications for how parents view themselves and are viewed by others. They are more likely to bask in the reflected glory of their children. They seem to gain esteem based on their connection to successful children. This means parents can be motivated by self-interest to ensure their children’s achievement. In the case of cheating for their children, parents can justify the behavior through comparisons that help them morally disengage with an action. For
example, they could say that other parents do a lot worse things, or minimize the consequences of their actions through words such as, “My behavior did not cause much harm.” Viewing the unethical outcomes as serving others, including one’s children, could help parents create a psychological distance to rationalize misconduct. Several studies demonstrate that people are more likely to be unethical when their actions also help someone else. For example, it is easier for employees to accept a bribe when they plan to share the proceeds with coworkers. SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT WHEN it comes to the wealthy and privileged, a sense of entitlement, or a belief that one is deserving of privileges over others, can play an important role in unethical conduct. Privileged individuals are also less likely to follow rules and instructions, given they believe the rules are unjust. Because they feel deserving of more than their fair share, they are willing to violate norms of appropriate and socially agreed upon conduct. Feeling a sense of entitlement also leads people to be more competitive, selfish and aggressive when they sense a threat. For example, white males are less likely to support affirmative action to even the playing field because it threatens their privileged status. Research suggests that entitlement may come in part from being rich. Wealthy individuals who are considered as “upper class” based on their income have been found to lie, steal and cheat more to get what they desire. They have also been found to be less generous. They are more likely to break the law
demonstrates that status loss, or even a fear of status loss, has been associated with an increase in suicide attempts. Individuals have been reported to show physiological changes such as higher blood pressure and pulse. Such individuals also made increased efforts to avoid status loss by being willing to pay money and allocating resources to themselves. In their book The Coddling of the American Mind, First Amendment expert Greg Lukianoff and social psychologist Jonathan Haidt make the case that parents, especially in the upper class, are increasingly anxious about their children attending top universities. These authors argue that given economic prospects are less certain because of stagnating wages, automation and globalization, wealthier parents tend to be particularly concerned about the future economic opportunities for their children. when driving, give less help to strangers in need, and generally give others less attention. Additionally, growing up with wealth is associated with more narcissistic behavior, which results in selfishness, expressing a need for admiration and a lack of empathy. CONSEQUENCES OF STATUS LOSS INDIVIDUALS who think they deserve unfair advantages are more likely to take actions to increase their level of status, such as ensuring their children attend high-status universities. Losing status appears to be particularly threatening for high-status individuals. A recent review of the research on status
FEELING INVULNERABLE PEOPLE who feel a sense of power, which often comes with wealth and fame, tend to be less likely to believe they are vulnerable to the detrimental consequences of unethical behavior. Experiencing a psychological sense of power leads to a false feeling of control. It could also lead to increased risk-taking and a decrease in concern for others. It is possible that some of these moral psychology reasons were behind these wealthy parents cheating on behalf of their children. A desire to go to great lengths to help one’s child is admirable. However, when those lengths cross ethical boundaries, it is a step too far.
WILLIAM “RICK” SINGER, founder of the Edge College & Career Network, pleaded guilty to charges in a nationwide college admissions bribery scandal.
AP