Does 69 Still Happen After 69?

Article by Esther Wiskerke

That depends on many factors, physical suppleness being one.

Rose* and her old school friend Tom* were both 75 years old when they met again. They married. She lived until 93, he until 103. Rose’s daughter-in-law shared with me that she firmly believes that their marriage gave them a new lease of life.

Not everyone is sexually active in later life or are still as adventurous as they used to be. That doesn’t mean that the need for affection, intimacy and a relationship necessarily diminish.

Rose and Tom were lucky. They both lived independently, were in reasonably good physical health and had full mental capacity. Both were also supported by their families, who were happy for them.

Although there is a current trend that sees some companies swapping their glamourous models for “real people” with perhaps not so flawless skin and a “love-handle” or two, overall sexuality is portrayed in society as something for the young.

Teenage children tend not to be able to bear the thought of people of their parents’ age still being sexually active, let alone that grandpa gets his wooden leg over grandma.

How mistaken the youth can be. After overcoming the first shock that gravity really makes “things sink” and that bearing children does alter a woman’s body, it is well reported that mature people are more confident and thus their sexual pleasure may increase.

In fact, sexual transmitted diseases are on the rise in the over 50’s age category.

Imagining that people of 69 and above are still sexually active or at least interested in intimacy, is a thought that hasn’t been fully embraced yet by society. This doesn’t have to pose a problem for the elderly who prefer a cuddle as opposed to a hot water bottle to keep them warm at night. As long as they remain independent, like Rose and Tom, what happens in the bedroom remains a private matter.

However, linked to older age is a potential deterioration of health. This may be a cold shower for love and affection. Firstly, because an illness may diminish the interest in erotica. Overall, this does fit with the line of expectation of most people.

Secondly, a physical illness may restrict the ability to source or initiate intimacy, but the desire for it may not diminish. Thirdly, a neurodegenerative condition such as dementia or a stroke may affect someone’s mental capacity, but certainly does not automatically equate to someone being unable to have sex or a disinterest in the topic.

In fact, a neurodegenerative condition causing atrophy in the frontal lobe in the brain (the area which regulates social and emotional inhibitions), may even increase sexual behaviour.

Consent is one of the most important ingredients of a healthy sexual relationship. Thus, when unable to give consent, it automatically means that legally ‘the actor or initiator’ of the sexual act commits an offence according to the Sexual Offences Act 2003.

In some instances, the situation is crystal clear and thanks to the extensive safeguarding awareness of health care staff, vulnerable people are protected.

But what if the situation is less clear? What if you previously enjoyed ‘nurse role play’, but since your diagnosis with dementia ‘the real nurse in your life’ is having none of it? What if you have shared the same bed for 50 years with your spouse, but as you move into a care home, you are separated? What if you (a masculine truck driver) always have had a full set of ladies’ clothes, neatly stashed away in the loft, for you to enjoy when nobody else was home? Where will you store the pleated skirt in a care home, especially as you haven’t even shared with your children that dressing up at times makes you feel authentic?

Research shows that due to a heteronormative society gay people sometimes feel that they must go ‘back into the closet’ the moment they enter a care setting.

And then there are the (grown-up) children. Most children prefer to see their (elderly) parents happy, but what if the 40-year-old cleaner is making Dad very happy? It is perfectly normal that children do not think through the sexual life of their parents.

Lucy’s* mother was widowed at 38. She met a soldier after the war and visited him regularly in Scotland. It wasn’t until Lucy’s mum had passed away and she found letters between mum and ‘her friend in Scotland’ that she realised how passionate the relationship had been.

However, a situation can arise where children are suddenly confronted with the sexual behaviour of (one of) their parents. For instance, a daughter may walk into a dementia care home to visit her mother, only to find her kissing a man in the living room, whilst she is standing there with her dad on her arm watching in horror.

That these situations are highly complex is an understatement. It is understandable that emotions may be heightened between relatives and care staff, or even within families.

A son-in-law shared with me that he was the only one visiting his mother-in-law in a care home after she developed a relationship with another resident. She had suffered years of abuse on the hands of her late husband. He felt that those final years were the happiest in her life, yet all her children had abandoned her out of disapproval.

Equally staff’s own background and attitude towards sexuality all play a role. Care home management may find balancing ‘living well with dementia’ according to the Prime Minister’s Challenge on Dementia and staying within legal parameters as tricky as 69- year olds balancing for 69.

*Names have been altered as per request of the family.

Built up an appetite for the topic?

Esther Wiskerke is one of the speakers at the Royal College of Nursing (The Joy of) Sex Beyond 70 event; an initiative that promotes discussion and raises awareness for the right to have companionship, love, intimacy, relationships, sexuality and affection in later life, especially when affected by a long term health condition.

This takes place on Monday 23rd September 2019, 5:30pm, 20 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0RN

You can also follow Esther on Facebook at www.facebook.com/cuppa69/