Coaching with Anne Miller Understanding Why In work with my clients I often come across a desire to understand why we behave as we do. Often this understanding is seen as an essential part of change i.e. to be able to do something differently we need to understand why we do it as we currently do. As an example: “When I get into meetings I just clam up, I can’t find my words and get flustered and embarrassed.” You can easily see how feeling like this and being aware of not just how uncomfortable it is, but also how this will be limiting your professional development, it can be tempting to try to answer the question ‘why?’ ‘Why do I get flustered?’ ‘Why can’t I be like the others?’ Maybe you can relate to this, maybe in a different setting, and can feel the frustration rising in you as you remember your own issues. After all it’s not uncommon and all of us at times feel frustration with ourselves and the question that often accompanies it is ‘why?’ We may feel we are being ridiculous, unreasonable, stupid, weak, or any other number of debilitating terms. It’s as if we believe that by continuously trying to understand, we will get that light bulb moment that relieves us of the need to continue as we are and gives us instant enlightenment as to how we can behave differently. So, does searching for an understanding help at all? When we seek to answer why we are doing something as we are, we keep our attention on this behaviour and with this attention comes judgement. When our attention is negatively charged our rational thinking becomes impaired. This means that even if the answer was potentially of help, its value is likely to be lost in the murk of criticism. 58
Actually, how much does it matter why you get flustered and embarrassed? What’s likely to be more important is developing new behaviours that you are happy with. Imagine when you get this issue cracked: will it matter at all why you used to behave as you did? If it would unlock a secret fast track solution maybe it would be worth the angst it would cause but in reality the pursuit of ‘why’ in situations like this is rarely helpful. An explanation is not the same thing as a solution! The coaching approach to the example above is to look at the new behaviours that are desired. For example: “How do you want to be in these meetings?”; “When you come out of a meeting what reflection would you like to make on your contribution?” Searching for the answers to these questions stimulates our imagination about what is desired and gives us something to aim for. This new positive focus acts as motivation as the detailed behaviour is addressed in the light of a clear future picture. Each of us has our own story and addressing our sticking points is an essential part of the process of change. Getting bogged down in trying to understand why we do what we do to get us stuck is usually a red-herring and a painful one at that! Magic, one-size- fitsall formulas don’t exist and giving the time and objective attention to our own unique combination of behaviours, values and aspirations as we address the changes we want to make is a worthwhile investment in our personal happiness and professional development. Visit www.annemillercoaching.co.uk for more information, and to book a free consultation Tel: 07722 110 228 fresh thinking - positive change