Page 1

ISSUE#3

THE BRUNCH AFTER TOMORROW Interview with a Mayan HighPriest Hell on Earth A Comic from Jesse La Tour Play It Loud, Unless You’re Dead Don’t Get Bit: A Zombie Survival Guide A Shitty Dinosaur Poem Y2K12 Unoriginal Apocalypse: A story From M.R. Gay Marriage Legalized World Immediately Ends A Field Survival Guide Cookin’ Rocks with G.C. Hood Rat Hood Rat Hoochie Mama Apopcalypse Popcorn Post-Apocalyptic Movies: The Good, The Bad, and the Good when Drunk 00:00

cover design by Christine Yuri-Noh (opposite) William Zdan, “SI VIS PACEM”


Text by Daniel Zacharczuk

R

ecently, I was given a private tour of the Natural His-

tory Museum. After I viewed the exhibit on preshistoric ora, I hit my head on a low hanging pipe that was sticking out of the wall in the hallway leading to the Dinostarbucks. I was instantly sent into a trance that lasted three days. When I woke up I had written out the transcripts of my dream, in the Mayan language K’iche. I have since translated those pages and presented them here. 2

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow


Danny Z(DZ): Wow. What hapened to your head? Am I still at the museum? High Priest Itzá (HPI): What do you mean? What happened to your head? Take a seat my son. You are in the year 3372 B.C. (by your calendar) in the Mayan city of Tikal. During a ceremonial trance, I entered the spirit world and beat the god Poseiden at a game of water polo and won the privilege to pull one person from the future into the past to clear up all of the rumors about the end of the Mayan calendar. DZ: Isn’t he a Greek god? HPI: Yeah, but all of the gods can give out pretty big favors. DZ: And you chose to pull me? HPI: You write for ‘burnch!.’ I know hard hitting, highly distributed news when I see it. DZ: Okay well then what do you want to say about the Mayan apocalypse? Were you wrong? Is the world not ending? HPI: Well you see, you express the misunderstanding right away. Apocalypse doesn’t mean “end of the world,” it means something more like an unveiling. And apocalypse isn’t even a Mayan word! It’s Greek. Don’t you ever read Wikipedia?

DZ: You sure know a lot about the Greeks. I only use that to settle bets and change definitions. So that means when the Mayan calendar ends something will be unveiled. HPI: You are exactly right. And it isn’t just something. There will be several disclosures. So please, pass the message along. The Mayan calendar isn’t about the world ending, it is about the revelation of mysteries. DZ: OK, but can you tell me some of the mysteries that will be elucidated. HPI: Yes my son, if it will help your worrying. DZ: It will. HPI: Alright. You will find out why Glenn Beck made the cover of Time Magazine, the true identity of the brilliant prophet Monty Python, and the brand of Dick Cheney’s anti-death tonic. DZ: And so this will usher in the new era? HPI: Yes my son. A new era where you will also find out that you are all going to die. Have a safe trip back to the present.

....And I awoke.

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow

3


by TARIN ALMSTEDT and ANDY ANDERSON

War is hell. I know firsthand because Iʼm there. I see the destruction it causes, and I know for a fact that human beings are really, really good at destroying each other. Iʼve fought in a few wars, a seasoned veteran of Iraq, Afghanistan, and the too easily forgotten Icelandic tour – where we lost half a million troops just like that, but youʼll probably never hear about that. I know it - war is the most destructive force in our world, lasting longer than volcanoes, earthquakes, floods and hurricanes. But what weʼre in right now is nothing like WWI or II, the oil wars we fight now, our worst nightmare of war coming true. This is not just fighting, combat, or battles, but a full-on, blood on your hands, ungodly alien war. And these fuckers are relentless. But however bad we thought humans were, we didnʼt know shit about what the aliens could do. We never bothered to look towards the skies for enemies. Remember “War of the Worlds” made famous by Orson Welles? Where Earth is invaded by a higher technology race of Martians? Weʼre right there baby, and its bad. Real bad. Is there an end in sight? I think its naïve to say there is, yet I get up every morning, load my gun, and fight as if thereʼs no tomorrow – because honestly – there may not be. But really what happened during that ungodly war is 4

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow


the affects on everyone – not just the combatants. The alien wars rarely happen in open unoccupied fields, but in built up cities and highly populated areas, meaning: you guessed it, civilian casualties. There were only two options for civilians when the battles broke out, run away or stay. If they ran, they needed to things: a place to stay and a means to get there. They didnʼt even get that, the aliens swept down like bats out of hell and disintegrated them faster than even they could comprehend. One minute they were running through the streets, their meager possessions and malnourished children in tow – the next, a pile of ash blowing through a once crowded street. It was sad – real sad. The way those kids cried out for their parents, or vice versa. You just knew that things were never gonna be the same again – even if we did manage to win. As a Marine in Iraq during the casual, everyday human wars of the past, I remember approaching Baghdad as the civilians fled south. They went in trucks and cars if they were lucky, and those vehicles were literally packed. Imagine an 89ʼ Toyota Camry with 16 people in it. It was fucked up. It wasnʼt a good feeling being an armed troop, running around where people once lived, hearing gunshots every hours of every day and seeing smoke trails constantly of another neighbor that is burning. It was very off putting. But nothing compared to this. War was hell then, and itʼs a fucking understatement to say that its hell now. Iʼve lost more friends in this alien war than I ever even knew I could have. Iʼve seen my troops endure the ghastliest of untreatable wounds, only to die hours later in the dirt. Iʼve watched innocents ripped apart by gunfire, children taken aboard hovering ships – never to be heard from again. I wish I could say there was a happy ending, but Iʼm beginning to lose hope. BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow

5


6

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow


BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow

7


by JACK HUTCHINGS

8

So the apocalypse is behind us. The worst is over. Now its time to chill with dim skies, mutant babes (hopefully), radioactive water, and tons of time on our hands. The drama in the air produces a subtle but chilly terror in our hearts. Not so bad eh? So how will this apocalypse affect music? Will we have a summer jam to bump or will summer vibes be forgotten? Maybe we will party harder after the end of days because there wonʼt be shit to do. My level of apocalyptic knowledge, though expansive, keeps me guessing. Maybe Michael McDonaldʼs voice will finally be put to rest after the apocalypse. Maybe I can take Purple Haze literally. Weʼll probably be keeping it tough, ʻcause bitches will be trying to steal your food/your moms jewelry. Wu Tangʼs samurai code worship and BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow


lyrics like “I come sharp as a blade and I cut you slow” should hit the spot with the misanthropic gun-touting survivors. Their general message of urban war should relate well to the scenes of chaos and looting that will resemble Los Angeles after a Laker championship victory. Iʼll bank on listening to Neil Young after the apocalypse. He already started the final countdown with Crazy Horse in the 70s. Listen to the songs “On The Beach” or “See The Sky About To Rain” and youʼll hear the anxiety, dread, destruction etc. in this folk rockerʼs heart. He also just seems really high on weed, and weed will come in handy after the apocalypse. These songs might warm you up to staying cool about a generally shitty life, or at least get you used to walking out of your house and seeing a zombie eating a baby under an orange sky while zombie homies look on with 40s. How will love, and love songs, fare in the wake of the apocalypse? Will civilians interpret The Flamingos “I Only Have Eyes For You” as a literal ode to what they have to offer raiders? How about party songs? Will girls still just want to have fun? Or will they be too busy avoiding rape and starvation. My guess is theyʼll probably still just want to have fun. No doubt Andrew W.K. will still know its time to rage. Heʼll assemble all of his AWK impersonators and they will build a giant spaceship shaped like a beer can to get us off of our shitty fire planet. I hope he lets us on, or at least gives us the schematics to build another one. That would make the whole thing seem worthwhile. BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow

9


by andy anderson

So the world is over, flooded with Zombies. Literally flooded with zombies. They live in the streets, in covens, in ovens, in grass –everywhere. You can’t walk the streets without risking a bite from a fellow dying to snack on your warm, juicy, idea filled brains. 10

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow


Since thereʼs no such thing

as zombie campouts, zombie sing-alongs, zombie cookouts, it means weʼll be living seperate lives until the day we all die. All us humans that is - at least whats left of us. No zombie playgrounds or schools means no developmental possibilities for zombchildren, just an eternity of wandering the globe as a hungry, drooling, hobbling hunk of once living flesh. Whatʼs that you say –poor zombie children? Zombie family rights? Remember the zombie outreach program of 2013 carried out by PETA, or as they were known at the time PETZ? Monstrously disastrous. Sure, they waived the “mission accomplished” banner in the faces of the unzombified, proclaiming an end to the wanton destruction of the living by the undead. But it didnʼt last. Those fuckers were back on the streets in less than a day,

their hunger for brains as in satiable as before – and now weʼre up to our ears in rotting corpses and shuffling, moaning zombs. Thanks for nothing you PETA pieces of shit. So now what do we have? A life of scrounging for food, trying our best to stomach the plates of gelled fat seeping from cans of once thanksgivingesque cranberry sauces, Heinz gravy – and the worst of all – the outdated tunas, Vienna sausagi, and nearly unrecognizable canned spams of our forefathers. But since weʼre all stuck in this shithole for the rest of our lives, survival is still possible. And if you can find a high up cave or tree – just think of the life you could build. Tiny cave cities – or civilizations built in the trees – the lower world never spoken of again.

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow

11


When you find yourself attacked – and you will– remember these simple rules and you might just make it out in one piece for another day of roving the landscape in search for a can of cold bean soup... 1) Blend In! If you act like a zombie, youʼll blend right in with the crowd. Itʼs all about looking like your friends again. Look the part and you donʼt get bit. 2) Donʼt get bit! A bite from a zombie is a 100 percent guarantee that you will turn into a zombie yourself. It might take a few minutes for the transformation to complete, but rest assured that youʼre family and friends will be forced to kill you, lest you set the zombie war back with your newfound, selfish zombie ways. Show No Mercy!

dudes that can barely conquer a simple stairway let alone a fucking mountain! The higher you are, the more time you have to gather and throw debris, rocks, and whatever else you can find – unless you have a gun. What is a gun gonna do to a zombie, you may ask? 4) Get a Gun! Guns are no longer used for violent crimes or intimidation after the zombpocolypse, theyʼre there for your protection. A head shot on a zombie will easily paralyze them giving you plenty of time to escape - unless you blow off their head. 5) Blow their Heads off! If you can successfully remove a zombies head with a shotgun blast, grenade launcher, samurai sword, or whatever else, you will kill it! Zombies canʼt live without a head.

6) Outrun Them! Zombies are slow moving. At their fastest, these cats can only travel 3-5 MPH, which you should easily 3) Head for the High Ground! be able to get away from withZombies are slow moving out much effort. 12

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow


PAID ADVERTISEMENT

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow

13


DINOSAURS BY SHAWN SANDFER

14

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow


SHITTY DINO POEM by ANDY ANDERSON

dinosaurs wade in the muddy waters, searching for a morsel of food, while up in the sky, asteroids y by, waiting to destroy them all. this is their end. the torch has been passed. BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow

15


by BRIAN LUCETT

Have you ever thought about what would have happened if all of the media hype and hand wringing over the year change in 2000 was worthwhile, and all of the computer networks crashed? It would have been a pretty big deal. But compared to now, that failure in technology would have been nothing, and believe it or not, we are still susceptible to this threat. No, Iʼm not talking about computers not being able to change the date without melting down or even an overload of tweets during the American Idols finale overloading all servers. When large explosions giving off about 1/6 of the total energy of the sun called solar flares occur, particles in the sun heat and accelerate to about the speed of light and emit waves at all wave lengths. These electromagnetic waves can reach the Earth in about two hours and cause interruptions to a lot of our satellites and high tech gadgetry. This is just one example of a way that our networks and computer infrastructure can be knocked out, but it is likely that there are several ways that our technology could fail us, and when you consider how much we depend on technology for about everything, it seems like some sort of societal collapse is inevitable. Think about it. If waves that wipe out computers were sent towards Earth, what would happen at ATM machines all around 16

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow


the world. Either they would malfunction and spit out money or not work at all. If the second happens, people eventually starve, or more likely get food by illegal means because they canʼt get their cash. While it is far less likely, it would exponentially more interesting, if the first happens. In this case, people will fight, and probably kill for the free money being spat out that will ironically become worthless since money gets itʼs value from being scarce. Also, with most cars being run by computers, itʼs easy to imagine that those too will be rendered useless. Even if youʼve been holding on to that VW Bus or that Gremlin, and you know there are certainly no computers aboard your automobile, gas pumps will not work, so you will only be able to flee as far as a tank will get you. Based on my experience with old cars, it certainly isnʼt far enough to get you away from the widespread panic. Cell phones, televisions, and radios will be rendered useless (radios themselves will probably be fine, but the transmission towers and satellites wonʼt), which creates a pretty big problem for the general order of things. It is likely that what is happening will be impossible to communicate to the populace since most people have forgotten how to read smoke signals. This will obviously add to the panic as people wonder about the whereabouts of loved ones and what the hell is going on. While these individual technological failures can be scary, a computer outage of the networks and mainframes that control power grids will plunge the world into darkness and leave just about all technology useless. Once any, or all, of these go down it is a near certainty that people will start looting, pillaging and destroying. Itʼs just what people do. Once order is breached, the governments of the world may find it difficult to maintain civility because a coordinated response to suppress the violence relies heavily on the same communication devices that caused the chaos. It is hard to imagine this kind of event without massive amounts of death and possibly enough destruction to wipe out society as we know it. It wonʼt be pretty. The silver lining though, is you wonʼt have to hear people bitch about it on their Facebook. BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow

17


unoriginal apocalypse by MICHAEL ROBERTS

I’m in the airy café with the classical music and the bird paintings in South Orange County, California. The type of place you might overhear someone say, “it’s so European” without ever having traveled in Europe or, “it’s quaint”, spoken in a way that suggests the word eludes them, although this person relies on it to describe any number of places, it remains just outside their vocabulary. They think they know what it means and they’re right, but they keep meaning to look it up. There are two young white males in beige slacks with casual dress shirts stuffed into them—“so how’s married life?” one asks—and two slightly older men in crisp white button ups using words like multisourcing and something that sounds like orifice... office, I think. Sitting at a corner table by the front door, picking at my muffin, I contemplate the end of the world. It’s 8 AM. The foggy ocean air drifts across the highway, mixing with the thick aroma of coffee beans and sugary warm bread. Delivery trucks rumble by in the diluted sun that sits like a bright hole in the overcast sky. A negative of the sun. The sound of silverware rattling around in the kitchen rings out every so often over the chatter. The tip of my tongue touches the fillings in my teeth. It’s a mortal kind of day. Gray and bright. 18

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow


I start a list of things people should know how to do on their own if the earth should tilt and we find ourselves in total chaos. Small things. Grow snow peas. Watermelon. Make your own clothes, like Gandhi. Build a ship. That’s as far as I’ve gotten. It seems like a good start. It’s not the first time I’ve been in a café focused really hard on the Apocalypse. Is that morbid? It seems natural. Boy scout-like. I am no deranged homeless man with a Siberian Husky’s iced over eyes, touting a cardboard Armageddon. But I could be. It’s a daydream I’ve indulged in before, coffee-crazed, nibbling the green edges of my cantaloupe, going dark as it gets light. There’s a faded moon way out there in the morning sky, no bigger than a baseball. I swing my invisible bat and make a shattering sound inside my cheeks. One of the older businessmen cocks his head towards me between serious, businesslike sentences. I throw my bat at his face without motioning. The power of the mind. I imagine a large, crated piece of the moon blasting through the patio doors and cracking his moneyed skull. Homerun. Bloodied hundred dollar bills float like feathers from the hole in his head. The crowd goes wild. It’s not a particularly interesting imBRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow

19


age. I hate myself for being so unoriginal. He’s gone back to his breakfast: oatmeal with fresh fruit. Mostly bright strawberries piled up in a white porcelain bowl. His teeth are red. I lick my own and reach for a crumpled napkin. It’s time to go, I decide.There’s nothing but blueberry crumbs on my table. The sun has burned up the haze, reflecting off the windows of the drugstore across the street, intensely as it would off of water. As I stand up and stretch, the wall explodes. Car alarms wail from all directions like signals born deep inside my brain. The classical music is strangely louder. It’s a piece I recognize, but can’t name. A very moving piece.Triumphant and tragic.The small table the businessmen were sitting at has been replaced by the smashed-in front of a big black truck. A teenage boy with a baseball cap on stares through broken windshield, gripping his nose. I rush over to the businessman with the strawberry teeth. Little yellow seeds peek through the blood in his thick red mouth. He’s unconscious. Blood trickles from somewhere in his body. Black coffee is all over his white shirt and arm. I kneel down and press a cloth napkin to his head. Someone shouts, “You did this!” His eyes roll around in his head, then steady themselves on my eyes. I feel as necessary as Jesus and the day has just begun.

20

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow


PAID ADVERTISEMENT

Marauding Romantic Seeks Anything Female Wanted: A female companion to roam around with my gang of cannibals and me. We have multiple trucks, plenty of artillery, unchecked power, and as a result a surplus of meat. You will never go another day experiencing the pangs of hunger. In exchange for your love, I will offer you the safety and protection that allow you to fall asleep with ease knowing that I will gladly kill any roving bandit or of the large feral hamsters that roam this nuclear wasteland that try to harm your (hopefully, but not necessarily) pretty head. My gang does weekly meat and greets at the bombed out combination Pizza Hut/ Taco Bell on the U.S. side of the U.S./Arizona border on Thursdays. I’ll be wearing my ski mask and my heart on my sleeve. I hope to meet you there. You won’t be able to resist my charm. Really, remember what I said about the guns?

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow

21


Gay Marriage Legalized, World Immediately Ends by WALTER LIPSHCHITZ

The world quickly ended when the gays were allowed to marry

December 22, 2012 -The Supreme Court ruled that laws prohibiting samesex marriages are unconstitutional, and therefore that these marriages are legal nation-wide. Shortly thereafter, same-sex couples rushed to court houses all over the country and the first couple was wedded in San Francisco. Upon the completion of the ceremony, cracks broke through the Earth’s crust worldwide leaving massive devastation the likes of which have never been seen, and everything is destroyed. The issue of same-sex 22

marriages in the U.S. has been a contentious issue for years, however, since 2008, the debate over whether same-sex couples can be wedded has come to a climax, and with the Supreme Court ruling in March that California’s Proposition 8, which bans gay marriage, unconstitutional, a massive a nation-wide push to overturn all restrictions on gay marriages took place. Activists took to the streets and rogue ministers and court officials in thirty states began performing same-sex marriages. With the excessive number of defendants being taken to court and going through appeals, a countersuit was filed and all of the cases were consolidated and sent to the Supreme Court. In a 5 to 4 decision yesterday, the case of Ev-

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow


eryone Rational Who Does Not Want to Discriminate Against a Group of People in the U.S. v. U.S. was ruled in favor of Everyone Rational, and same-sex marriages were legalized everywhere. The first couple was wedded at City Hall in San Francisco at 2:00 pm on December 21 and immediately afterwards, a 9.6 earthquake tore a crack in the Earth’s crust from San Francisco to the Mexican border. Cecil Owens,a witness to the marriage, said, “it was a lovely ceremony. Very classy. Davey and John have a tendency to be a little garish, but everything from the suits they wore to the flowers they carried were understated and exquisite.” He added, “I was balling as they exchanged their vows. My eyes were so watery that I didn’t even see the large chasm that swallowed the stairs in front of City Hall, and I nearly walked into what seemed like a bottom-

less pit.” We now have reports that similar phenomena have been occurring, not only nation-wide, but all over the world. Cities all over the globe have been obliterated, and large swaths of land seemed to have been literally sucked into the Earth. Scientist Richard Caser of the UC Riverside Biology Department is the last scientist on the west coast, making him the most preeminent scholar in the field. He says that this phenomenon is completely explicable: “Yes, gay marriage was legalized on a small scale before. But when it becomes national rule over places where God still resides, like the South, he’s not just going to take it quietly.” As the few survivors scramble to find provisions, large dust clouds have settled in the atmosphere creating utter dark lit by the vast fires that cover the areas where cities used to exist.

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow

23


While humanity’s consciousness of the world around them is waxing, there lies in the shadows a danger of man-made cataclysms in an attempt to suffocate the masses and extinguish rebellion. In the unforeseeable event of such a disaster, here’s a list of items that could help one survive the destructive products of foolish men: Nuclear/Biological/Chemicalgas mask (Czech, Israeli, or United States military issue) Emergency food ration bars (Two 3,600 calorie bars recommended for about a week’s supply) At least two gallons of water (more is always better) Solar and crank powered emergency radio Crank powered flashlight Thoroughly supplied first aid kit (you may need to share) N95 class respirator face masks Latex gloves Antibacterial wipes

24

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow


Solar sleeping bag (heat-insulating reflective polyester) All-purpose poncho Glow sticks Waterproof matches Fire starter flint and steel Swiss M71 compact stoves (these are excellent for cooking canned foods) Swiss army knife (skip the dinky model, go for more tools) Combat/Sporting knife with serrated blade Machete (yes, a machete) Earplugs with a high noise reduction rating (explosive noises can damage eardrums) Precision screwdriver kit (for repairing eyeglasses, electronic devices) Alkaline batteries (AA, AAA, 9 volt, D, any variety you can get) Waterproof pens and markers (for making signage) Large bag preferably with backpack (indeed, all of this can fit in one bag)

shoulder

straps

MOST IMPORTANTLY, your greatest tool is the ability to think rationally and plan ahead. Please recognize that no matter what happens in these desert days, you can absolutely prove that free actions of sovereign entities will never be suppressed. This list is intended to inform and enlighten, not to spread fear or doubt. The future holds endless possibilities of transformation and you ultimately decide what will happen. Hold fast to the transcendental power of love. BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow

25


Dear Emily, I want you back. I have not seen another woman since you ran off with the gang of cannibals three months ago. I didnʼt appreciate you like I should have because, quite frankly, I did not feel the same kind of attraction to you that I did before the chemicals in the air made you grow that horrible unibrow. But now, after wandering this barren wasteland and meditating upon the red clouds in the sky, I know that you are the only one for me. As a matter of fact you are the only woman left in the southwestern USA. I am willing to forgive the fact that you left willingly and as you ran you yelled those comments about me being a nice guy and you needing a little more excitement and food in your life. Baby, Iʼm willing to change for you. I know we were hungry because I refused to give up on my ideals and eat human flesh, but I stole a rifle and Iʼm ready to hunt some big game. The knife that I used to wave at little kids threateningly to get you stale scraps of bread will cut you the most delectable human filets your radiationdestroyed taste buds have ever touched. I know that their multiple trucks are more stylish than my shopping cart, but there is no way that anyone can love you like I do. Iʼm leaving this letter at the ruins of the combination Pizza Hut/Taco Bell, where you ran away with my heart and most of my belongings. The place where I also hope you will find it. If your new lover has not eaten you completely, run away to the other side of the Arizona border in the new home I have made for us in the remains of the immigrant internment camp. Love, Barry 26

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow


“for a more bearable existence on this lifel hellhole of a lan we used to call our home”

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow

27


With so many signs showing us that

the end is near, one must prepare for the worst. That’s why I’m writing this article – to teach you how to feed yourself when the dark horsemen come riding to earth and bring with them the fires of hell. When cooking in end times, there are a few key points to remember. First, you won’t have access to gas or electricity, which can pose a big problem when trying to cook food. Find a large stone with a flat top and keep it in your backyard. When the fires of hell engulf our world, you’ll

28

want that flat rock to put a skillet on top. Secondly, it’s likely there’ll be no more grocery stores, and bandits will quickly take control of the food supply. Stocking up now on canned goods is of the utmost necessity. Buying a gun isn’t a half-bad idea either, not just for protection from hellions and such but to hunt for raccoons and squirrels. Finally, you don’t want your food to taste like crap even though the world has ended, keep a large stash of alcohol around as alcohol is wonderful for adding depth of flavor and also for drowning your emotions.

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow


For this issue, I’m going to give you guys a recipe for braised squirrels – it’s a sure “fire” crowd pleaser, especially when you are contemplating eating human flesh. Ingredients: 3 tbsp. 3 medium 2 medium 2 large 2 medium 1 bottle 2 cups 1 whole 4 whole 1 can 1 can

olive or vegetable oil squirrels, gutted and deskinned onions, cut into large slices carrots, large cubes celery stalks, large chunks red wine water or squirrel stock if available bay leaf peppercorns fire roasted diced tomatoes black beans

Directions: • Using your large flat rock, place a skillet on top until hot. Add your oil followed by your squirrels, bottom side down. Don’t move until well browned and then flip over. • Once well browned all over, remove squirrels from the pan and reserve. Add your vegetables and sauté for a few minutes until onions are translucent. • Deglaze your pan with the wine and water/stock and scrape the good stuff off the bottom. Add your spices and tomatoes back in the pan with the squirrels. Bring to a boil. • Once the squirrel is becoming extremely tender, add your black beans. • Season with salt and pepper. • Enjoy!

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow

29


IʼM LOSING MY FUCKING MIND!

HOOD RAT HOOD RAT

HOOCHIE MAMA by EUGENE HAMPTON Well, the world as we know it is over. Iʼve lost my friends, my family, some stray dogs I found, and can no longer watch the TV shows I once loved. Iʼd be fine with all this if I could find some of my once beloved, classy alcohols, but even that has been taken away from me. Iʼve gone without sweet vermouth, dry martinis, and scotch on the rocks for some time now – and let me tell you, Iʼve never missed anything more. I thought I was at the end of my life when I couldnʼt find a strong drink to stave off the boredom and loneliness of being alone in the world, until I stumbled upon my alcoholic savior – the drink to end all drinks – hooch. Iʼm in no way saying that this tastes good, but after a few sips it doesnʼt even matter because you can barely see - let alone taste!

30

Thereʼs a few things youʼll need, but with a little persistence and creativity, youʼll be making your own drinks in no time. So scrounge away my friends, and remember – thereʼs no problem that canʼt be solved with a little bit of hooch. BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow


Wheat bread – in any capacity. Could be stale, half eaten. Whatever. 2 liter plastic bottle, with cap included Orange juice. Again – does not need to fresh! Sugar. Warm water. 2 bowls - or anything that will hold liquid for a few minutes and not break or leak Place the bread in a container half full of water. Mush it around in your hands, squeezing as much water out of the bread as you can. Pour 3 cups of sugar in your empty 2 liter bottle. Fill halfway with warm water, Place cap on bottle and give it a good shake, making sure all the sugar has dissolved into the water. Fill the bottle up the rest of the way with your orange juice related product. Donʼt worry about quality - youʼre essentially rotting it anyway. Again, give the bottle a good shake to mix things around. Now that youʼve got your concoction mixed up, its time to ferment! Place the cap over the top. DO NOT TIGHTEN – the gases need to escape. If they canʼt, your bottle will explode, rendering your homemade brew useless and possibly injuring you in the process. Find a hot spot – in the sun, next to a radiator, in close proximity to a fire – anywhere where the bottle can stay consistently warm. This is crucial. Now wait, and wait some more. You need to give your brew at least 5 days to ʻageʼ. After 5 days, remove from hot climates, open cap all the way, and pour yourself one hell of a strong drink. You deserve it after all. And those guys chasing after you trying to eat you? Offer them up some hooch, and watch as your predators/enemies become your newfound friends. Youʼll never roam alone again. 31 BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow


by Virginia Valdez

The origin of popcorn dates back more than 5,000 years, discovered by Native Americans. It became popular in the Great Depression. When times got hard, people did their stress eating with some good old popcorn because it was tasty, but mostly because it was cheap! Once again America is struggling; the economy is at its worst, wars are being fought, the human race is slowly digressing. Panicked, afraid of the end, unemployed? Have some popcorn. Watch the tiny kernels explode like mushroom clouds right before your eyes

32

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow


INGREDIENTS: • 1/3 c. Popcorn Kernels • 2 tbs. Extra Virgin Olive Oil • 1⁄2 tbs. Sea Salt • 1 tsp. Cayenne Pepper • 1⁄2 tsp. Garlic Powder • Blue Agave Nectar • Optional: 2-4 tbsp. Earth Balance butter

MATERIALS: • 3 qt. sauce pan with lid • 1 large paper grocery bag • 1 large bowl • Chopsticks

DIRECTIONS 1. Heat 2 tbsp. olive oil in uncovered sauce pan on medium heat. 2. Toss in 3 kernels. 3. When all 3 kernels pop, add the remainder of the kernels and cover. 4. Shake the pan back and forth to evenly distribute kernels in the pan. 5. When popping slows, leaving more than 5 to 6 seconds in between pops, remove from heat. 6. Empty popcorn into large paper bag. 7. *If you are adding butter, use the empty, hot saucepan to melt it and set aside. 8. Add sea salt, cayenne pepper and garlic powder. 9. Shake bag ferociously. 10. Distribute popcorn into bowls or bags and drizzle with agave nectar *and butter. 11.Use chopsticks to eat, otherwise you’ll get sticky fingers. Share with a partner or eat ravenously by yourself. Serves: 2

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow

33


POST APOCALYPTIC FILMS

THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE GOOD WHEN DRUNK

by JESSE LATOUR

I am a total nerd for science fiction. Good science fiction has the potential not only to entertain, but to make us think, to comment on contemporary social/moral/philosophical issues. My favorite science fiction writer, Kurt Vonnegut Jr., was a master of using the science fiction genre to write great satire. There are many fine post-apocalyptic movies, a science fiction sub-genre. Here are few of my favorites... 34

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow


The Good... 1.) The Matrix. You might not immediately think of this as a postapocalyptic movie, but duh, it totally is. Humanity is enslaved by machines, the earth is an uninhabitable wasteland—classic postapocalyptic scenario. The Matrix is good for two reasons: 1.) Itʼs entertaining as hell—with gun battles, martial arts, and cutting-edge special effects, and 2.) Itʼs about things that matter. The problem with many Hollywood blockbusters is that they are entertaining but ultimately meaningless. There have been books and academic papers written about The Matrix, such as The Matrix and Philosophy, by William Irwin. As far as I know, there is no book called Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and Philosophy. So what is The Matrix about? I think itʼs about human free will and the mindʼs ability to transcend itself. Or something. I dunno. Discuss.

who made such modern classics as Trainspotting and Slumdog Millionaire. Boyle brings intensity, passion, and rawness to a genre most people wouldnʼt take too seriously, and he makes us actually care about these characters.

3.) The Road. This movie is based on the Pulitzer Prize-winning novel by Cormac McCarthy, who is one of the greatest contemporary American writers alive. He wrote No Counry for Old Men, All the Pretty Horses, and a bunch of other modern classics. I read the book before I saw the movie, so I was skeptical about the filmmakersʼ ability to translate McCarthyʼs gritty, sparse, beautiful prose the sceen, but I thought this film did a good job. I still prefer the book, but the film is definitely worth watching.

2.) 28 Days Later. This movie belongs to a sub-genre of post-apocalyptic films that involve zombies. There have been quite a few such films: George Romeroʼs Land of the Dead, I am Legend, The Omega Man, etc. But of all the movies Iʼve seen in this sub-genre, 28 Days Later is hands down the best. It was directed by Danny Boyle, BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow

35


4.) Twelve Monkeys. This film was directed by Terry Gilliam, who got his start on Monty Python, and has since blossomed into one of the most visionary of contemporary directors. His films Brazil and The Fisher King are pretty mindbendingly awesome. One problem with some of his films (i.e. The Brothers Grimm, The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus) is that they get so wrapped up in the visual spectacle that they lose their narrative thread. In my opinion, Twelve Monkeys is Gilliamʼs masterpiece so far, the perfect blend of visual beauty and emotional storytelling. It stars Bruce Willis, Brad Pitt (in a very cool role as a mental patient), and Madeleine Stowe (who I totally had a crush on when I first saw this film in 1996). The movie is also smart, jumping back and forth in time between a pre-apocalyptic 1990s and a post-apocalyptic future, and exploring dichotomies of sane/insane, society/anarchy, authority/rebellion, etc. 5.) Six-String Samurai. This is an indie film made on a “shoe-string” budget, but what it lacks in special effects and expensive production, it makes up for with inventive camera work, cool editing, and a pretty awesome soundtrack by a band called The Red (think Russian/ communist) Elvises. Hereʼs the premise: The Ruskies have blown up the USA with nuclear bombs

36

and the remaining survivors have flocked to a city called Lost Vegas, where Elvis ruled as king. Elvis has died and his throne is up for grabs by would-be rockers. The film follows one such hopeful—a samurai sword-wielding, guitarplunking loner and his child sidekick, as they battle mutants and Death incarnate through nuclear wastelands toward Lost Vegas.

The Bad... Like any genre of movie, there are loads of really really bad post-apocalyptic movies. I think the movie The Road Warrior is partly to blame for this. For some reason, in the early 80s, lots of B-movie directors realized they could make cheap postapocalyptic movies by filming in the desert, bolting weird stuff to cars, and dressing people up like sado-masochistic punks. Some of these movies are so bad theyʼre good, but the following movies are so bad they go right past good and back to bad again: 1.) The Postman. In the 1990s, Kevin Costner had a total hardon for epic films. His epic debut, Dances With Wolves, was a truly great film. His next epic, Waterworld (see below) was so-so. His

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow


next epic, The Postman, set in a post-apoclyptic wasteland, was godawful. Itʼs looooong and very boring. The only good thing about the film is Tom Petty, who is mayor of Bridge City. Kevin Costner is almost every frame of this film, so if you like staring at a middle-aged man with feathered hair for three hours, rent The Postman. 2.) Transmorphers. This movie often comes up on Netflix instant watch, and I never gave it a chance because it had such a terrible rating (1.5 out of 5 stars). In the course of my extensive research for this essay, however, I decided to give it a chance, because it takes place in a post-apocalyptic setting. About 15 minutes in, I deemed it unwatchable. The acting is terrible, and the CGI looks like something off a Super Nintendo game. I was baffled that a movie this utterly shitty could even be made, so I did some research on the production company, The Asylum, and I learned that this company specializes in something called “mockbusters”. Basically, they make films with similar-sounding titles and covers as blockbusters, hoping to fool people. Thus, Transmorphers came out on DVD at the same time as Transformers. If you go The Asylumʼs web site: www. theasylum.cc, you can see their list of titles. My favorite is The Da Vinci Treasure.

3.) The Omega Man. I was excited to watch this movie for two reasons: 1.) It stars Charleton Heston, who is usually pretty entertaining in a cheesy, over-the-top way and 2.) Itʼs an adaptation of the classic scifi book I am Legend, by Richard Matheson. I was, however, disappointed with the film. Itʼs boring, and the “zombies” arenʼt that scary. The leader looks like a pale Roy Orbison. Plus, these zombies can think and talk like normal humans. WTF? Zombies should only gargle and cackle and wander aimlessly, looking for brains to eat, in my opinion.

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow

37


4.) Left Behind: The Movie. This book is based on the wildly popular series of Christian books about the biblical “end times” by evangelical pastor Tim Lahaye and Jerry Jenkins. The film stars Kirk Cameron, of Growing Pains fame. Iʼm gonna go ahead and let the critics speak for me on this one: “Whatever the central message, the movieʼs still a blundering cringefest, thanks to unintentionally laughable dialogue, hackneyed writing and uninspired direction.” (The Washington Post), “For all its intimations of fire and brimstone, the film isnʼt remotely frightening, and the highschool-level acting doesnʼt help.” (The New York Times), “This is B-movie pap, a weak proselytizing device masquerading as a movie.” (The Seattle Post-Intelligencer) 5.) Wizards. I had high hopes for this film when I got it from Netflix. It was described as an animated post-apocalyptic movie that combined elements of Lord of the Rings and World War II. When I watched it, however, it was like a bad episode of The Smurfs. Itʼs cheesy, boring, and stupid.

38

The Good When Drunk If youʼre anything like me, when you get home from a night of heavy drinking and youʼre not with a female, you want to do two things: 1.) eat pizza and 2.) watch a movie with lots of explosions and minimal dialogue. I have found a number of postapocalyptic films that fit this bill quite nicely. Iʼm not saying theyʼre good films, but when it comes to explosions and action, they get the job done: 1.) Terminator: Salvation. The story is weak, the characters are shallow, but this movie is chock full of things blowing up and evil robotic machines. Plus, it has the two biggest action stars in Hollywood: Christian Bale and Sam Worthington (the guy from Avatar). Itʼs no T2, but itʼs very watchable. Also, the director has an awesome name: McG. 2.) The Book of Eli. I read on Wikipedia that Denzel Washington spent months studying Filipino martial arts to prepare for this role, as a post-apocalyptic warrior. Why Filipino martial arts? Why not? Anyway, the fight scenes are totally kick-ass. Iʼll watch a knife-

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow


wielding Denzel busting some skulls, Filipino-style in a post-apocalyptic wasteland any day, as long as Iʼm wasted. 3.) Waterworld. Most Kevin Costner movies are great drunk movies, and Waterwold is AWESOME when youʼre drunk. Dennis Hopper wearing an eye-patch, cruising with his posse on wave-runners, smoking cigarettes and blowing shit up! Have I died and gone to heaven? No, Iʼm watching Waterwold. 4.) I Am Legend. Hereʼs a funny story. One time I was watching the movie I, Robot and there is this unnecessarily long shower scene where Will Smith is lathering up his buff, naked body and the Stevie Wonder song “Superstition” is playing, and my roommate and his girlfriend walked in right when that scene was playing, and for a second they thought I was watching gay porn.

5.) The Road Warrior. This is the movie that spawned a shit-load of cheesy postapoclyptic movies in the early 80s with basically the same premise: The earth has been ravaged by nuclear war, and bandits roam the roads in weird vehicles. Most of the bandits, for some reason, dress in punk/S&M gear and are inhumanly evil. Then there is the lone hero, who defends the weak from these bandits. The Road Warrior is the best of these movies, and has lots of cool action, and minimal dialogue. A perfect drunk movie.

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow

39


brunch! Contributors!

Andy Anderson is the co-editor of brunch! magazine. Most of his time is spent coming up with article concepts that no one will read and designing graphics few will ever see. When he’s not slouched over his computer working on brunch!, he’s writing content for Honda Tuning Magazine or sorting coins. Brian Lucett spends a lot of his time laughing awkwardly at his own jokes. If you give Brian enough beer, he is likely to either start high fiving strangers, dancing in place, or start talking about the immminent collapse of society. All are fairly entertaining, so you should probably give him some beer. Christie Yuri Noh is a visual artist who currently resides in Fullerton, CA. She likes to travel and her trip planning usually revolves around food, because “it is so good.” Christie likes experimentation and has created pieces using various media. Some of her work can be found at www.empiricalfiction.com. Danny Zacharczuk slings drings at a bullfight cafe. He lives in a little yellow house and he is a regular on the quiz portion of the Nerdy Thursday Variety Show in Fullerton, CA. Check him out on Friendster. Eugene Hampton is an alcoholic. Gilad Chudler is currently the sous chef and assistant manager at the Berkeley, CA based cooking school Kitchen on Fire. He’s a fan of butter and most saturated fats. Gilad regularly contributes to brunch! magazine and Kitchen on Fire’s blog: www. kitchenonfire.com/wordpress. Jack Hutchings resides in Los Angeles where he makes strange noises using varying combinations of guitars, vocal chords, reverb, delay, and records. His band, Starving Daughters, put out a fulllength album not too long ago and you can hear them and find a link to get the album at: www.myspace.com/starvingdaughters.

40

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow


Jesse La Tour lives on the roof of a bar and spends a lot of time watching action movies. He co-owns the Hibbleton gallery in Fullerton, CA (www.hibbleton.com). He also blogs about eating chicken fingers and his campaign for city council at: www.jesselatour.blogspot.com. Michael Roberts recently spent the day at LACMA and was blown away by the work of Robin Rhode, participating in random mischievious acts simultaneously. He has a book available from Write Bloody Publishing titled: No More Poems About the Moon. It is full of similar behavior. Peter Weisbrot lives in San Diego, CA and does graphic design. He really does have an emergency prepardness kit for when shit hits the fan, so you should probably take his suggestions seriously. Shawn Sandfer works for company that sells chairs. When he’s not selling chairs, sometimes he likes sitting in chairs. But that’s not to say that he doesn’t sit in a chair while he’s at work selling chairs. He sits on one there too. Tarin Almstedt was once paid to watch people play paintball, then to do push ups and talk on a radio in strange desert locations, and then to talk on the phone. After 3 years Tarin went to another place that paid him to talk on phones and use a computer. Currently, he is paid to babysit 35 kids at a time for an hour straight five times in one day. In his spare time he brews and drinks beer. Virginia Valdez likes minimalist art/design. She drawns mostly with Sharpies and ballpoint pens, never using pencils or rulers. Her preferred canvas is an old piece of cardboard. Her design shop, The Head Shop is made in Fullerton, CA by herself and her red-headed hubby. You can see her designs at: www.theheadshop.etsy.com BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow

41


by BRIAN LUCETT

Letʼs face it: life as we know it cannot continue on indefinitely. Even if humankind somehow manages to see past national, religious, class, ethnic, gender and whatever other distinctions divide us, to come together and present a mounted effort to preserve our civilization a social evolution and a change in the way we live in just about every regard will be necessary. With mounting tensions between emerging economies and global power relations shifting, an environment struggling to sustain itself, or even the possibility that Pat Robertson brings storms of fire upon the Earth, something cataclysmic seems like it is around the corner. Please donʼt mistake this for a sense of hopelessness. Until the bombs explode, the tidal waves crash, or electromagnetic waves from the sun send us back to the stone age, the daily pleasures we enjoy will be there for us. Hopefully, people can work towards the goal of sustaining our world and those corrupted by power and greed will 42

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow


not use their weapons to lay everything to waste, but pragmatic thinking would say that this is a very slim chance. Still, thereʼs no reason to despair. Sure, the post-civilized wasteland will be inhospitable, and the idea of losing most, if not all, of the people that we care for is truly frightening, but there is still some reason to wish for those astronomical odds of surviving global calamity. Just like the advice that just about every tech support representative gives, our world may just need to hit the reset button. Granting that the Earth can still sustain life, society (if you call it that at this point) can have the chance to make something of itself. While the clock is blinking, whoever is left has the power to really shape the world that they live in. Those great social revolutions which people have theorized about like communism, anarchism, and hippy collectivism that never gained any real traction due to those in power being unwilling to relinquish it. Fear of what lies beyond the status quo has halted humankind from making any real progress with the fight for justice and equality. With that gone, maybe those who survive can create something newer, something better. Hopefully, the experiences they draw upon for inspiration are those that lead to some of the great achievements civilization has made in its 10,000 years and abandon those that have destroyed it (i.e. Fox News and autotune). Hopefully people will realize that the predicament they face is one that they all face together, and that a lack of mutual respect for one another is why we, in this lead up to ruination, have failed. Time will tell. A reset seems inevitable. I just hope that unlike the VCR that used to sit in my parentsʼ living room, someone will know how to properly set that blinking clock. BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow

43


44

BRUNCH! MAGAZINE ISSUE #3: The Brunch After Tomorrow


Issue3  
Advertisement
Read more
Read more
Similar to
Popular now
Just for you