Pat Benatar let us know in the early 1980s that love is not a bed of roses. “We are young. Heartache to heartache we stand. No promises, no demands. Love is a battlefield.” according to Ms. Benatar’s hit single. So is she correct? Are we doomed to slide from one broken heart to another in an endless cycle? Is real love based on no promises or demands? Maybe for the young there is a bit of reality in those lyrics, attributable to the angst that accompanies early romance. But in general I think not, acknowledging my view is shaped by who I am, a 62 year old twice divorced man with four incredible children, currently in the midst of a late in life 5 year love affair with a truly amazing woman I adore. First the history; I didn’t discover non-familial love in high school or in college. I missed the puppy love phase, the going steady stage in high school and the exploration of physical love in college. It wasn’t until I was 24 that I had my first love affair with the woman who would become my wife a year later. Our marriage was all one expects - warmth, support, early money struggles, mutual respect, compromises, plenty of physical love and happiness. Three wonderful children came along, but 11 years into the marriage, when the youngest was two things fell apart. My wife became involved with another man and I became the single parent of my three kids.
loving partnership. I have many wonderful memories of loving times, along with the painful recollections of the tough times as well. So on to round two: I met my second wife at work a year and a half later, and of course she was everything my ex-wife wasn’t so she must be perfect! And she was - intelligent, independent, beautiful, accomplished and fully accepting of my children. I was instantly in love. We shared passion, values, life goals and ambition. Our love blossomed and the wedding took place 9 months after we met. It was an incredible time - a job relocation and a new house all in the same 3 months as our wedding day. And of course an instant family for her, although my oldest was off to college at this point. We loved each other very much, and we created a loving household. Our intimate moments were very special, we really liked each other in addition to being in love. Three years into our life together the baby arrived, creating a special family excitement I still recall with great fondness. I was enjoying tremendous career success and I knew her support was a major factor in my progress. Within weeks of our baby’s arrival I was promoted again and we were off to another city and a new house, which we worked on together to make a family home. In our 17 years together there were many peaks, a few valleys and more career success for both of us. But we did drift apart, slowly. Our love melted away, neither of us really understanding why. There were challenges with the kids, and more and more we differed on how to handle
Let me be clear, I was no victim. There were plenty of signs that our relationship was in danger. There is a strong shared responsibility for what happened. I didn’t see it that way then, but with age comes perspective and wisdom. Today I cherish all that came to me through that 11 year marriage. Obviously I am eternally grateful for the kids, but I also gained an understanding of what love is, what a joyous relationship feels like and how I show up in a
them. I became more liberal as she became more conservative. As we grew our values shifted apart. Ultimately we discovered neither of us was happy with our marriage but were staying together “for the kids sake”. What we discovered was the outward behaviors of our growing incompatibility was hurting the children, seriously so. We are both very logical people, and all the logic said it was time to split up,
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But we did drift apart, slowly. Our love melted away, neither of us really understanding why.