EDUCATION
FAMILY MATTERS
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UNDERSTANDING EXPECTATIONS Parents, ask yourself some tough questions. Do you want to wear the Cambridge sweatshirt when you play tennis with your friends? Sure, who wouldn’t? But dig a bit deeper and get to what really concerns you about sending your child off to university. Not everyone has the same answer, but many parents have fairly similar issues. One parent recently said to me, “I just want to make sure she makes it in the world, that after university she can either get a good job or has found that passion to follow a further course of study. I want her to find her place in the world.” Other parents see university as a means to financial stability for their child – success, independence and opening up more opportunities.
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OLDER TEENAGERS CRAVE INDEPENDENCE AND YET STILL EXPECT AND NEED THE GUIDANCE OF PARENTS
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n older teenager craves independence and yet still expects and needs the guidance of parents. One moment they’re confident that they can conquer the world and make all decisions on their own, and the next they’re overwhelmed, wondering how they’ll ever make all the decisions needed to get into the right university. This is where it gets confusing. Parents want to know the correct amount of involvement a parent should Trintiy College, Oxford
have in the university application process. Because each child is different and each parent-child relationship is different, it’s important to first assess both your and your child’s expectations by asking the basic questions: “What do I want for my child from a university education? What does my child want from a university education?” Below are a few guidelines for how parents can encourage and support rather than add to the pressure.
Whatever the reason, make sure you understand what it really is you want for your child. If it’s success and happiness you want for them, remember that success only comes when a person loves what they’re doing. A person that follows his or her passion is more likely to work hard and become committed to their field, with greater results, than someone struggling in a field they hate just to make more money. Second, it’s important to have your son or daughter go through the same exercise independently. What are they looking for in a university experience? On the website www.thestudentroom.com.uk students were polled and rated these four factors in order of importance: 1) Course 2) Reputation of the university/league tables 3) Social concerns – who you can get along with – and 4) Location. Your child might already be doing this with their college counsellor, but if not get them to brainstorm and discuss what they’re looking for in their university experience. Many students I talk with are interested in finding the right course of study, but they also express other important factors: • finding that perfect place for their first experience living away from home • an education with a great reputation • a comfortable atmosphere with students that have similar interests or values, such as a love of the outdoors or perhaps a love of city life • opportunities to socialise with new friends • intellectual students that will challenge their thinking • opportunities to study with leading thinkers in their field of study or where famous politicians or scientists are frequent lecturers • Don’t be worried if they don’t know exactly what they want. This is meant to be a brainstorming list that they will revisit and revise again and again, as they gain a better understanding of what they want. After parents and child have completed this brainstorming exercise on paper, listen to your child’s interests first, and then very carefully explain your interests for your child’s future. I say carefully, because as parents we tend to look way out into the future, seeing their path as far into the future as our own. Teenagers, on the other hand, are thinking more about the next few years. Saying that we want them to become financially independent can be interpreted by teenagers as “You’re on your own, kid. Get a job, get a life, I’m tired of paying your bills”; when instead, what we really want is for them to grow into that confident self-reliant person who will feel great providing for themselves. It’s absolutely fine to discuss what a parent can and cannot afford and what help you expect the child to provide in financing their education. It’s not alright to simply say, “I want you to go to a top-20 university.” Perhaps what you’re really trying to say is that you want them to have every opportunity in life, and you want what’s best for them. Remember that the surest path to success for most people is to follow their interests and skills. The most important part of this exercise is listening to their interests and what they want from their college experience, to get a realistic grasp of what they’re thinking.