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art of community |

muppets wanted


MARCH 27, 2014


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Managing Editor Gary Poole

BEGINNINGS: The fight against modern-day slavery... Just didgeridoo it

Contributing Editor Janis Hashe Contributors Rich Bailey • Rob Brezsny • Mike Dobbs John DeVore • Matt Jones • Janis Hashe Brian King • Kelly Lockhart • Mike McJunkin Marc T. Michael • Ernie Paik • Alex Teach


Editorial Interns Madeline Chambliss • Dea Lisica • Leith Tigges Cartoonists & Illustrators Rick Baldwin • Tom Tomorrow Photographer/Webmaster Josh Lang Founded 2003 by Zachary Cooper & Michael Kull




How marijuana is turning the tide in the War on Drugs

Director of Sales Mike Baskin

SPIRITS: How to stuff a wild home barkini NEW MUSIC REVIEWS: Autumn Defense, The Baseball Project

By Gary Poole

Account Executives Chee Chee Brown • Julie Brown Lisa Dicaire • Rick Leavell • Leif Sawyer Stacey Tyler • Jerry Ware

ARTS: The art of building community


Offices 1305 Carter St., Chattanooga, TN 37402 Phone 423.265.9494 Website Email Calendar THE FINE PRINT: The Pulse is published weekly by Brewer Media and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on music, the arts, entertainment, culture and local news. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publisher may take more than one copy per weekly issue. We’re watching. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors. Contents Copyright © 2014 by Brewer Media. All rights reserved.


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Publisher & President Jim Brewer II


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FLASH MEETS SUBSTANCE When spectacle is involved, mostly it is the art.

RICH BAILEY: Letting the sun shine on city data ALEX TEACH: Officer Alex displays the gentle touch

By Ernie Paik


Friday, April 4th, Miller Plaza 7-10pm Eat, Drink, & Dance! Trophies for Most Creative Attire! Follow Art 120:

Proceeds Benefit Our Youth Programs

Sponsored by: • march 27-APRIL 2, 2014 • The Pulse • 3

news • views • rants • raves



Fight Against Modern-Day Slavery In Spain: Ivoline, a nursing student at a university in Cameroon, is approached by a woman who, offering to help her complete her degree in Europe, convinces her father to spend his entire savings for her transport. Upon arrival, she is forced into prostitution.

Hamilton County reported more than 100 adults and 25 minors trafficked between 2009 and 2010.”

In Brazil: Joel, age 30, and Ronival, age 69, are enslaved and forced to bathe in contaminated water and sleep in a hut without electricity or drinking water for 10 years until they risk their lives to escape. In the United States: Maria Elena, 13 years old, leaves home at the promise of opportunity. When she arrives at her destination in Florida, she is gang-raped and locked in a trailer until she submits to prostitution. She is forced to have sex with up to 30 men each day, and when she becomes pregnant, is forced to return to

work the day after an involuntary abortion. These examples, from a US Department of State 2012 report, are only three in thousands. Human trafficking is the fastest-growing criminal industry in the United States and worldwide, generating billions of dollars in profits each year with the victimization of an estimated 27 million men, women and children. A form of modern-day slavery, human trafficking uses force, fraud or DEA LISICA coercion to exploit victims for the purpose of commercial sex, debt bondage, or forced labor. Often perceived to be a foreign issue, the national and local statistics are shocking: At least 100,000 children exploited in the sex trade each year in the US (average age, 13 to 14); $9.5 billion in profits in the US alone from trafficking; 85 percent of counties in Tennessee reported at least one case of human trafficking in 2011, with four counties reporting more than 100 cases and 16 reporting more than 50. Hamilton County reported more than 100 adults and 25 minors trafficked between 2009 and 2010. More than 150 years after the Emancipation Proclamation and 13th Amendment promised freedom and equality to all people, slavery persists in the United States. In fact, it’s at Chattanooga’s back door, with Atlanta serving as an epicenter for US trafficking. But as these horrifying statistics grow, efforts to raise awareness and provide help to victims grow also.


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One such effort, the For Freedom Tour, will be hosted by the Salvation Army’s ReCreate Café on Mar. 29 at 8 pm. Featuring acoustic, folk-pop duo Jenny & Tyler, Levi Weaver, and special guest Vanita Joines, the For Freedom Tour supports the the International Justice Mission, a nonprofit organization dedicated to ending human trafficking worldwide. Local efforts against trafficking by Second Life of Chattanooga and Chattanooga Coalition Against Human Trafficking will also be highlighted. Joining the fight against modern-day slavery is as simple as being inspired with an evening of music, including original songs and covers of Smashing Pumpkins, Coldplay, Postal Service, Louis Armstrong, and more by Jenny & Tyler, who, according to event coordinators, “can captivate the audience with their energy and passion while integrating a personable spirit that makes a concert feel more like a living room jam session.” Students: $8 in advance, $12 at the door. General admission: $10 in advance, $15 at the door. ReCreate Café, 800 McCallie Ave.


by Rick Baldwin

Just Didgeridoo It Bradford pear trees are in bloom, allergies are tearing down the walls of our immune systems, and Apr. 15 and graduation ceremonies are just around the corner. It can be a stressful season, but it doesn’t have to be—just try a little music therapy. One such therapy, sound healing, uses the vibrations created by instruments like the didgeridoo, singing bowl and gong. Didgeridoo artist Paradiso Turturici and his wife, singing bowl master alchemist, Rasamayi Turturici, will perform their, “uniquely powerful and beautiful spiritual soundscapes,” at a live sound healing concert at The Center for Mindful Living on Mar. 30. The two are self-trained musicians


Gary Poole This week, Managing Editor Gary Poole returns to a topic he covered five years ago in these pages, the ongoing movement towards drug legalization. A multiple award-winning journalist, Gary has been involved with The Pulse for most of its existence in a variety of roles:

Thu, April 3 • 7:15 PM vs. Jackson Generals

and have released five CDs, which have topped radio charts around the world. Past concertgoers have said they have had, “experiences of unprecedented and profound meditation; visions of their guides, life purpose, and past lives; and profound healing of acute and chronic emotional, physical and spiritual disease,” at these concerts. The concert begins at 3 p.m. and runs about two hours. Tickets are $20 in advance, and $25 the day of (however, there is limited seating). Visit The Center for Mindful Living is located at 1212 McCallie Ave. (at Holtzclaw) — Madeline Chambliss


Fri, April 4 • 7:15 PM vs. Jackson Generals FIREWORKS

Sat, April 5 • 7:15 PM vs. Jackson Generals Zooperstars

Sun, April 6 • 2:15 PM vs. Jackson Generals

Mon, April 7 • 7:15 PM vs. Jackson Generals

Mike Dobbs writer, columnist, art director and editor. He is also known for his time in talk radio here in Chattanooga, part of a more than quarter-century broadcasting and journalism career. In his spare time, he volunteers with the Chattanooga Humane Educational Society and is currently working on a new album of electronic dance music. You can follow him on Twitter at /GaryPooleTN

Our resident "Man on the Barstool", Mike Dobbs writes about all things liquor for us, and this week helps everyone figure out the proper way to stock a home bar. Mike is a Scorpio who resides locally, but is contented to hang his hat anywhere in the North-

western Hemisphere. When not relaxing at home with his Tonkinese kitten Amélie, he’s an architectural designer by trade. He’s likely contrived a hotel that you trust to let your loved ones sleep in (something to think about). A night owl since birth, he’s honed the craft of bacchanalian roister and developed an appreciation for the finer elixirs of life. He says, “Please” and “Thank you”. • march 27-APRIL 2, 2014 • The Pulse • 5

venue church PRESENTS




CALL 267-8534 OR VISIT THEATRECENTRE.COM Friday, April 4 is Girls’ Night Out sponsored by Brewer Media

6 • The Pulse • march 27-APRIL 2, 2014 •

To pre-register and for more info visit bTheVenue_Church • wTheVenueChurch #50000EasterEggs

The Pulse

is now accepting applications for our Summer Internship Program. If you are a college student looking for real-world experience in the fields of journalism, feature writing or graphic design & layout, The Pulse offers an intensive, hands-on internship program. Interested? Shoot us an email to to schedule an interview. Positions are limited, apply today!

Let the Sun Shine on City Data No hacks these: Open Chattanooga turns data mining skills to good use. Open Chattanooga began as a response to the tornados of 2010, but it’s maturing into something that looks more like an entire weather map’s worth of initiatives aimed at opening locked up government data for the benefit of citizens. I sat down last week with web developer Dan Ryan and Jenny Park with the City of Chattanooga, two of the many people providing energy for this movement in Chattanooga. Ryan, who has been involved since the beginning, says local open data advocates always had the aim of openRICH ing all government data, but started small. The idea of open data, he explains, is simply to view data created by governments as a resource that citizens and companies can find infinite uses for. “Let’s open this up, make data available and see what people can do with it,” he says. Early efforts made some of the challenges crystal clear. Advocates thought state restaurant health inspection data would be an easy

win, but they started asking just after the state had stopped collecting that data. Then-Senator Andy Burke tried to help, but the only option was to pay a private company to work the data. After the tornadoes of 2010, the Ochs Center reached out to Ryan and other civic-minded data nerds to help local governments, and the advocates for opening data wound up creating data. They created a Google Maps application and drove around the community dropping digital pins on the map for every downed tree and power BAILEY line. The resulting map helped local governments plan their response and helped commuters plan their routes to work. That was the beginning of Open Chattanooga. Over the last four years, a loose coalition of advocates got progressively more organized. Public events like Hackanooga in 2012 and Chattanooga’s participation in the 2013 National Day of Civic Hacking built momentum and drew more people. Tim Mo-


reland, who came to work with the City, reached out to Code For America, one of the organizers of National Day of Civic Hacking, which led to the creation of a local Code For America “brigade” of volunteers and to Chattanooga having the opportunity to host Code For America fellows in 2014. All this volunteer activity got more structured when Open Chattanooga worked with the Benwood Foundation to secure a Knight Foundation Community Information Challenge grant, which Benwood matched, to formalize Open Chattanooga as a collaboration of the City of Chattanooga, the volunteer Code For America brigade, and the Public Library. What was a loose group of volunteers and city employees who saw value in open data has become a formal effort supported by the mayor’s office to open all city data for public use. Park and Moreland are on loan from the Regional Planning Agency to lead the effort in the mayor’s office. Jenny Park describes Open Chattanooga as a three-pronged effort. “The city opens its data and makes internal reforms to make that the way they do business,” she says. “The public library provides an access point. They are creating an Open Data portal. Most of that data will be city data, but the library is able to facilitate additional data types [from nonprofits or private companies]. Also they are go-

In addition to making government more transparent and giving the community access to data they paid for through taxes, open data can create significant economic development."

ing to be helping with some training to the use of the portal.” The brigade is focused on engaging the community with this soon-to-be-opened data, as well as with technology in general, including the recent creation of Chawiki, a Wikipedia-like website for usercreated content about Chattanooga. In addition to making government more transparent and giving the community access to data they paid for through taxes, open data can create significant economic development, explains Ryan. One

example is how the United States opened weather forecast data 20 or 30 years ago, leading to the creation of a billion-dollar industry. In Europe, the same data is private, and the weather forecasting industry is much smaller, worth about 20 million dollars. Why? “Because access to the data lets all these innovative things come out,” he says. “The open data policy the city is working on takes the city’s default position from ‘If you want information, come request it’ to ‘We’re just going to publish it, and it’s yours.’” “Seeing this bill being written as open source code, literally... that’s cool,” adds Ryan, who’s not just being metaphorical. The city’s draft Open Data Policy has been posted for public comment on Github, a website used for posting open source software under development. It’s gotten a flood of response. “People do comment and treat it like it’s open source code,” says Ryan. “I’ve been surprised to discover how many people are interested in open data,” says Park. “It’s had a lot of activity.” The city’s Open Data policy is open for comment until April 7 at Open Chattanooga has open work sessions at 5:30 p.m. every first Tuesday at The 4th Floor and unstructured “office hours” every third Tuesday 1-2 p.m. at Enzo’s.

Learning Working giving This is the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers Local 175. Connecting Chattanooga for more than 100 years. • march 27-APRIL 2, 2014 • The Pulse • 7

8 • The Pulse • march 27-APRIL 2, 2014 •


MADNESS Is The War on Drugs nearing the end?

Marijuana legalization efforts across the nation gather steam By Gary Poole

Many of the individual states have passed their own laws and have basically dared the federal government to go against them.

TWO MILLION DOLLARS. That’s how much the Colorado Department of Revenue collected in tax revenue in January from the sale of legal marijuana, the first month the Rocky Mountain High state adjusted its focus from the Rocky Mountains to getting high. Two million dollars. One month. One state. And there were only 59 businesses in the entire state that were certified to sell marijuana when it officially became legal at the beginning of the year. Officials at the state revenue office basically throw their hands up when asked to predict what revenues will be from subsequent months, much less what the annual rate will be. But it has become clear that

money-hungry states facing seemingly endless budget shortfalls are keeping a very close eye on what has quickly become the most laidback state in the country. Five years ago I wrote a cover story for The Pulse that detailed how the “War on Drugs” was being lost in a flurry of cartel violence, overfilled prisons, and endless billions of dollars wasted on a losing fight to slake the nation’s nearly insatiable lust for narcotics. Little did I know at the time that in less than half a decade, the marijuana legalization movement would emerge from the fringe and become a front-page issue. A successful issue, at that. >> P.10 • march 27-APRIL 2, 2014 • The Pulse • 9

From the federal standpoint, the Controlled Substances Act of 1970 still makes it illegal to possess, use, buy, sell, or cultivate marijuana, but many of the individual states have passed their own laws and have basically dared the federal government to go against them. While Colorado is the only state to allow the commercial sale of marijuana, Washington is not far behind, having legalized personal possession (up to a reasonable amount). Several of the larger cities in the state, in response, passed initiatives basically directing their law enforcement agencies to turn a blind eye to pot users. Twenty other states have either legalized medical marijuana or decriminalized personal possession (and in the case of nine of them, both).

To call this a sea change in the “War on Weed” would be a complete understatement. But wait, as they say on late night television, there’s more. Just this past Thursday, lawmakers in Alabama unanimously passed a bill legalizing medical marijuana, which Gov. Robert Bentley has said he will sign. Granted, the bill only allows for the prescription of the nonintoxicating cannabidiol (CBD, for short), a medical grade extract that has a number of detractors claiming it is largely ineffective. But this action is still a major step forward in the ongoing medical marijuana movement. After watching closely how Colorado has benefited from outright legalization, residents of six more states and the District of Columbia are likely to see either a bill in the state legislature, a ballot initiative, or an executive order from the governor to make medical marijuana (or even outright legalization) a reality. Arizona, Alaska and the District of Columbia are all considering following Colorado’s lead and making recreational use of the wacky weed completely legal. The “Safer Arizona” group is pushing for a ballot initiative (with recent polling showing a majority of Arizonans in support). In Alaska, supporters turned in more than 45,000 signatures on a legalization petition. Only 30,169 were needed for the petition to make it onto the August ballot. Likewise, residents of the nation’s capital likely will get to vote this fall to make D.C. an even more popular tourist destination. And while Tennessee is not on the “make it legal for everyone” bandwagon, back in January, Rep. Sherry Jones (D-Nashville) announced she would be filing a bill to allow the prescription sale of marijuana in the state. The “Koozer-Kuhn Medical Cannabis Act” (HB1385) is currently pending in the House Health Subcommittee. “It’s just simply a matter of being rational and compassionate,” Rep. Jones told the Knoxville News-Sentinel, though she was quick to explain that her bill would be very limited and highly restrictive. “It would apply to only the most severely debilitated people,” which she categorized as severely epilep10 • The Pulse • march 27-APRIL 2, 2014 •

tic children, cancer patients undergoing chemotherapy, sufferers of multiple sclerosis, or people “with a plethora of diseases.”

So how did we get here? And how did the “War on Drugs” get started in the first place? When President Nixon announced the beginning of the “War on Drugs” in 1971, the stated goal was to reduce illegal drug trade and to diminish demand for substances deemed immoral, harmful, dangerous, or undesirable. During the Nixon era, the goal was not to incarcerate and punish drug users, but to stop the drug trade and begin programs to help Americans reduce their dependence on narcotics. It was the only time that more funding went towards treatment than law enforcement. But, like many government programs that start with the best of intentions, the war became distorted by those seeking political gain by appearing “tough on crime”, and the anti-drug warriors turned their attention inwards. The end result has been the highest percentage of incarcerated Americans of any time in our history. More than 2.2 million people are behind bars and another 4.8 million are on probation or parole, a quadrupling of our prison population, with well over 40 million arrests nationwide since 1971 on nonviolent drug charges. Worse yet, in the past three decades, the number of deaths related to drug overdoses has risen more than 540 percent. The National Survey on Drug Use and Health, conducted annually by the federal government, is the most commonly cited set of statistics on the prevalence of drug use. According to the latest survey, an estimated 22.5 million Americans aged 12 or older have used some illegal drug in the last month. Not too surprisingly, marijuana was the most commonly used illicit drug, with just over 18 million current users.

But what about illicit drugs other than marijuana? Of the most commonly used drugs in the United States, the top five are pharmaceuticals, marijuana, cocaine, methamphetamine and heroin. Regionally, use of each drug is quite different. Here in the Southeast, for example, cocaine is by far the illicit drug of choice, with slightly more than 50 percent of drug users imbibing some form of the narcotic. Meth is second in popularity, followed by pharmaceuticals and marijuana, with heroin a distant fifth. The growth of methamphetamine use, at epidemic levels out West, has been making steady inroads in the South during the past decade. It’s regarded by medical professionals as one of the most dangerous drugs ever

developed. It is nearly instantly addictive, and requires higher doses with each subsequent use in order to match the initial high. It also has been proved to destroy brain cells and irreparably impair the central nervous system, among many other harmful side effects. Unlike marijuana, which has never been conclusively shown to be physically addictive, the other four drugs produce strong physical dependence. The grip of drug addiction leads directly to criminal acts, such as robbery and prostitution, in order to purchase more drugs. This is in addition to well-known criminal enterprises surrounding the production, transport and sale of the drugs by organized crime, foreign cartels, and local street gangs.

So the question continues to be asked: Would legalizing, or even de-criminalizing such harmful substances be in the best interest of the public welfare? It’s a question that has long perplexed proponents of ending the War on Drugs. Many of the more extreme in the legalization movement point to the physical harms and addictions related to alcohol as an argument in favor of legalizing all drugs, noting that strong government regulation and control of alcohol have been able to combat the more egregious negative effects of drinking. For many, though, that argument rings hollow, as they consider the thousands of deaths and hundreds of millions of dollars in damages and lost productivity caused

by alcohol abuse each year. Yet even some in the medical profession challenge the conventional wisdom that “harder” drugs are as dangerous and addictive as is widely believed. Dr. Benson Roe, professor emeritus and former chair of cardiothoracic surgery at the University of California at San Francisco, has directly called into question such beliefs. “The widespread propaganda that illegal drugs are ‘deadly poisons’ is a hoax,” he claims. “There is little or no medical evidence of long-term ill effects from sustained, moderate consumption of uncontaminated marijuana, cocaine or heroin. If these substances—most of them have been consumed in large quantities for centuries—were responsible for any chronic, progressive or disabling diseases, they certainly would have shown up in clinical practice and/or on the autopsy table.” He goes on to call out the media for our portrayal of drug users. “Media focus on the ‘junkie’ has generated a mistaken impression that all users of illegal drugs are devastated by their habit.

Simple arithmetic demonstrates that the small population of visible addicts must constitute only a fraction of the $150 billion per year illegal drug market. This industry is so huge that it necessarily encompasses a very large portion of the ordinary population, who are typically employed, productive, responsible and not significantly impaired from leading conventional lives. These drug users are not addicts, just as the vast majority of alcohol users are not alcoholics.”

The final piece of the legalization puzzle is purely economic. After seeing the state coffers getting fuller in Colorado, many lawmakers and tax-weary citizens are swayed by the promise of the large

tax revenue legalization might generate, as well as the ever-increasing price tags associated with the War on Drugs. Billions of dollars have been spent since Nixon launched the war, money that a growing number of people from all walks of life feel has been almost or completely wasted. Is Colorado the first domino to fall in a line of 49 other dominoes leading to a nationwide acceptance of marijuana? Or is this just an isolated outlier? Five years ago, I would said it was an outlier. Today, who knows? But don’t expect me to be all that surprised if in five years when I revisit this topic, I’ll be writing about the few holdout states instead. • march 27-APRIL 2, 2014 • The Pulse • 11

How to Stuff a Wild Home Barkini Our man on the bar stool mixes it up in residence.


IDS SAY THE DARNdest things. But, after Art Linkletter, and way before Cosby hosted the show, my school friends and I often came up with some ideas that would raise the bar. Of course I mean, “bar” in the literal sense that we are talking about, the kind that our parents used to visit back in the go-go boots days. Some little kid would be on the playground screaming, MIKE “My swing is a rocket ship!” or “I’m Evel Knievel on the slide!” We were having none of that. We turned the monkey bars into an actual working bar. Of course there wasn’t any of the hard stuff. But—the seeds were planted. That must have shaken and stirred in my psychic unconsciousness for a few decades. And finally I decided the time had come to do something about it. Noting that during the almost 20 years in my home I’ve never dined in the dining room, it only seemed fitting to convert that valuable real estate into some-

thing worthwhile. Being from an architectural background, it seemed natural to commit way too much planning to the effort. I surveyed the area and compared every possible layout, accompanied by various pieces of furniture I’d found scattered across the Internet. All of that was conglomerated into AutoCAD Architectural Desktop 2012 to absolute precision. I rummaged through the DOBBS basement (where the monsters live) and from dusty, spider-infested boxes began to assemble a collection of brica-brac from travels, thoughtful presents and general hording items. Once everything was in its proper place and appeared something approaching a proper pub, I began to notice… something… was…missing…but what? Ah! The booze! I got in touch with Certified Spirit Specialist Justin Welch and made a plan to go over the finer points of stocking a proper bar. Our mission was to compile

Spirits Within

a well-rounded collection of distillations for a range of occasions and moods. I think the result was a successful blend of midto-higher range of all things from fluff to rough. Whiskeys: You gotta have Jack Daniels. That’s a given. It’s the “Jack” of all trades and tirades. We also selected Evan Williams. It’s a great little base for whiskey cocktails that won’t break the bank. I insist on having Bushmills Black Bush in the cabinet. In my opinion, it’s the best Irish Whiskey going. Drink it with a drop or two of water. Johnny Walker Red Label has always been the go-to for Scotch. It’s a quality blend from Kilmarnock that’s smooth and consis-

Our mission was to compile a well-rounded collection of distillations for a range of occasions and moods.” tant. Ardbeg Scotch is a treat. It’s not for the faint of tongue. It’s the peatiest Scotch in the world. It’s a higher-end bottle. But I love that

smoky flavor. We also went top shelf for the bourbons. Willett Pot Still Reserve and Woodford Reserve, both from Central Kentucky are the bee’s left and right knees of bourbon. These are nice to just look at. I placed them on display instead of under the bar. Vodkas: This is a staple of any well-stocked bar. It’s incredibly versatile and so variable you really can’t stump it. For my primary concern, I went with Tito’s. It’s distilled six times from 100 percent corn and made in Austin, Texas. Even the bronze plastic lid is made in ‘Merica. A bottle of Ketel One also is one for the menagerie. Made of 100 percent wheat, it’s Dutch and has been

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around since 1691. (It’s 200 years older than the martini.) I stuck in a couple of flavored capsules also and veered to Pinnacle vodka. This was because of the huge variety available. The Vanilla and Whipped (cream) flavors are a very pleasant addition to anything you’ll make this spring. Think Creamsicle…hint. Of course, Rums: You can’t have warm-weather cocktails without it. Whether I use Captain Morgan Spiced or the Parrot Bay Coconut is open to which mixer I close my eyes and pull out of the fridge. But the standard is still Bacardi. Of course, there’s room made for that. Gins: I, again, go for the one that sets the standard. Tanqueray is what I like. Chuck Tanqueray got it right 180 years ago. You can’t get it wrong now. Tequilas: Any bar worth its salt has to have a bottle of Patron Silver. It’s crystal-clear, ultra-premium agave zoot-juice. If you’ve not had this, you’re an amateur. I also wanted quality tequila for mixing and went with El Jimador. You’ll find this on a lower shelf at the store. But, don’t let that fool you. It, too, is 100 percent agave. It’s the number-one selling

bottle in Mexico, and I figure they know something about it. Etc... Now, sometimes a person wants something a little less in strength or just because, darn it, it’s good. The Irish Crème on top is Saint Brendan’s. It’s made in Derry, Northern Ireland and rumor has it the extra enthusiasm comes from a little distillery in Bushmill. Copa De Oro is a coffee liqueur that’s made from Mexican arabica beans and vanilla. It’s a 42 proof and actually tastes…like coffee. Imagine that. Lazzaroni Ameretto is the same stuff that the famous cookies in the red-and-orange tin come from. It’s an almond liqueur that’s been an expression of cultura Italiano since 1851. Those are the high points of it. Naturally, you’ll want to supply all of the usual juices, sodas and mixers. And you’ll get all of the appropriate glasses, carafes and swizzle sticks. Surely you won’t forget the salt, olives and cherries. When all was said and done, I ended up with a decent little pub I can invite my friends to and be proud of. Go-go boots are encouraged. Cheers!

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/mojoburrito • march 27-APRIL 2, 2014 • The Pulse • 13


Putting Our Music Scene Front and Center Chattanooga has lately been getting press for its exceptional outdoor sports and activities—but a brand new startup company, 423PK (423 Press Kit) is attempting to bring Chattanooga’s music scene to the forefront for tourists and locals alike. 423PK’s goal is building a business that will help connect Chattanoogans to musical entertainment within the city. Looking to raise funds for start-up costs, the company has been treating the city to fundraisers throughout the month of March. Come Mar. 28 at 6 p.m., 423PK’s fourth and final fundraiser will take place at Lindsay Street Music Hall. The evening will feature both musi-

cal acts and artists to spotlight local talent, kicking off with a silent art auction of pieces by local artists and creators. Acoustic performances by Keith Crisp, Nathan Wootens Music, Jack Kirton, and Courtney Holder will follow. After the acoustic acts, the night’s lineup will continue with a performance by Hazes and Gorgeous and Monomath. Beer will be provided by Chattanooga Brewing Company and Lindsay Street Music Hall will provide liquor. Drink, bid and be merry while supporting local artists and musicians— and while you’re at it, help to promote Chattanooga’s music awareness. — Leith Tigges







Agori Tribe

Moustache Friday

The River City Showcase

• A sound that has been described as "space island funk rock", Agori Tribe's music blends elements of psychedelic rock, funk, reggae, jazz, and blues to form a one-of-a-kind fusion of sound. With opening act Gill Yum. 8 p.m. • Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St.

• Do you like moustaches? Do you sport a well-coiffed moustache? Well, this is the eighth anniversary of one of JJ's favorite events for the follically gifted (or otherwise facially endowed), with Double Dick Slick, Glowing Bordis, and Richie. 10 p.m. • JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd.

• Guitar hero Jimmy Tawater turns the Tivoli into a locals-only showcase with his friends, including Janella Hayes, Roger Alan Wade, Remembering January and a whole host of local musicians for a big night of fun and music. 8 p.m. • Tivoli Theater 709 Broad St.

14 • The Pulse • march 27-APRIL 2, 2014 •

When Does the Flash Overshadow the Music?


MONG THE THINGS I’VE WITNESSED AT SOME LOcal music shows are: an electric guitar methodically destroyed using a circular saw (Baby Magic), a drum kit set on fire (Monotonix), the live piercing of a young woman’s flesh with hooks connected to amplified strings that were strummed (Secret Guilt/Neon Viking Funeral) and a chihuahua in a clown suit giving birth on top of a player piano playing ragtime songs. OK, I made that last one up.


Spectacle can work well when it is an extension of the performers’ excitement, and if the performers can’t get excited about their music, then why should the audience?”

With celebrities, spectacle and antics often draw attention to the art (at which point, it is called “marketing”), but here on the local level, when spectacle is involved, mostly it is the art. I can appreciate a good spectacle. I’m generally receptive and curious regarding the unusual; kudos to those who challenge the status quo, and for the record, I appreciated all of the aforementioned examples to some degree. That said, risk-takers sometimes walk that tightrope which, to paraphrase a quote from the film This Is Spinal Tap, is the fine line between clever and stupid. Purists may shake their heads disdainfully, saying that the music itself is just what matters and dismissing superfluous gimmicks, novelty or trickery. Ideally, yes, music should be judged on its own merits, but it is nearly impossible to divorce a musical experience from its context, shaped by personalities, history and many other elements. Orchestra members traditionally dress in black and white so that clothing doesn’t offer distractions from the music, but taking that one step further, why aren’t people just listening to music alone in darkened rooms? Years ago, I remember my violin teacher criticizing the famous violinist Nadja Salerno-Sonnenberg for her seemingly exaggerated, vigorous movements. Showmanship has lost its place in classical music, since Paganini passed away. Even for the most sedentary musicians, live performances involve at least a bit of performance artistry. The band Slint, for example, is known for being chilly and detached, with no extraneous motions; however, that is its version

The Mdahts Go Music TV

Monotonix singer Ami Shalev in action.

of performance artistry and its shtick, if a minimal one. On the other end of the spectrum, there are countless examples; James Brown had his dance moves, and Robert Pollard (of Guided by Voices) had his on-stage binge drinking and karate kicks. So, when does spectacle work? It’s hard to say, and it’s easier to say when it doesn’t work. One example is trying too hard. This is not the same as “giving a good effort.” Audiences can sniff out insincerity, but they can also detect true enthusiasm. Spectacle can work well when it is an extension of the performers’ excitement, and if the performers can’t get excited about their music, then why should the audience? Being truly novel without precedent these days seems like a lost cause, and the same goes for being uniquely transgressive. (On this topic, my friend Evan Lipson pointed out that the new way to shock people these days is to be polite.) My late friend Dennis Palmer would au-

honest music

tomatically say, sarcastically, after hearing about some seemingly novel idea in music or art, “Brand new, never been done before!” If the aim is to astonish, then certain examples can be likened to magic tricks or jokes; once you know how the trick is done, or what the punch line is, then some of the potency is lost. What makes a difference is the delivery. A seasoned storyteller can deliver a well-known tale in an entertaining way even if the audience knows how it ends. It’s the difference between concept (or inspiration) and execution; a good idea can only get you so far, and the execution needs to live up to the promise of the idea. When you want to draw attention, you want the right kind of attention. Any person in the world can get attention—just walk into a shopping mall without wearing any pants. It’s fair to say that it’s easier to impress youngsters who have no deep knowledge of cultural history than jaded, insufferable know-it-

all snobs. I’m not saying that musicians should only cater to snobs. What I am saying is that musicians should try to understand what the audiences are that would appreciate them, then aim to reach all of those people. And here is where spectacle can sometimes play a role, outside of live performances. One atypical example is the success of the band OK Go, which is better known for its creative, incredibly intricate musical videos than its own unremarkable music. Another example is the case of The Magnetic Fields, which for years released acclaimed, beloved synth-pop albums but remained in the indie-rock ghetto until 1999, when it released the ambitious triple-album 69 Love Songs, a conscious attempt to gain attention. And it worked. However, it wouldn’t have worked unless it had the quality to back up the hype. Decades from now, OK Go will be remembered for its wacky videos. The Magnetic Fields will be remembered for its music.

Remember when music videos were a new thing? In those days, few people had any kind of solid grasp on what a video was or should be. There was a lot of “we don’t know what the hell we’re doing” bandwagon-hopping back then. But from the ridiculous chaos of it all, there emerged a new breed of artist who were able to fully utilize the potential the new medium offered. Sometimes poignant, touching or humorous, a well-done video could add a whole new artistic dimension to a song. A smartly done video was a very good thing. Turns out, it still is… The Mdahts have just finished their firstever video and it is set to premier Apr. 1. The tune is “Time is Passin’”. It features MC Warner and Floami Fly along with the usual gang. The Mdahts, known for exemplary production technique in the studio, have settled for no less in terms of video production, resulting in a piece that is slick, professional, entertaining and filmed entirely on location right here in our fair city. It’s a sharp little film, a perfect example of “New Old School” and the first of many to come. Drop by the Mdahts’ Facebook page to give it a look and a listen, and get an insight into how “music television” ever became a thing. — Marc T. Michael

local and regional shows

Spoken Nerd with Floami Fly and Kids From Across The Street [$5]

Thu, Mar 27 9pm

Live Trivia every Sunday afternoon from 4-6pm Sun, March 30 @ 7pm : Molly Maguires [FREE]

Full food menu serving lunch and dinner. 11am-2am, 7 days a week. 35 Patten Parkway * 423.468.4192 * • march 27-APRIL 2, 2014 • The Pulse • 15



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thursday3.27 CSO: Warehouse Row Lunch Series 11:30 a.m. Warehouse Row Food Court 1110 Market St. Red Bank Bluegrass Jam 6:30 p.m. Grace Church of the Nazarene 6310 Dayton Blvd. Forever Bluegrass 7 p.m. Whole Foods Market 301 Manufacturers Rd. Songwriter Shootout 1st Quarter Winners Competition 7 p.m. The Camp House 1427 Williams St. Jazz Ensemble 7:30 p.m. Lee University Conn Center & Dixon Center Auditorium, 1053 Church St. SE, Cleveland. Agori Tribe, Gill Yum 8 p.m. Rhythm & Brews 221 Market St. Spoken Nerd, Floami Fly, Kids From Across The Street 9 p.m. The Honest Pint 35 Patten Pkwy. Nick Lutsko, Roots of Rebellion 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd.

16 • The Pulse • march 27-APRIL 2, 2014 •

The Dirty Guv’nahs

friday3.28 Husky Burnette 5 p.m. Sky Zoo 5709 Lee Hwy. Jazzanooga 2014 Kickoff Reception 5:30 p.m. Society of Work 701 Market St., Ste. 1350. 423PK Fundraiser #4 6 p.m. Lindsay Street Hall 901 Lindsay St. Senior Recital: Carly Wingfield, Jessie Johnson 6 p.m. Lee University Humanities Building, Squires Recital Hall 1250 Parker St. NE, Cleveland. Mike Phillips

Pulse pick: amber fults Blessed with a voice that's both youthful and old-soul, Amber Fults pens tunes that resonate on numerous levels to anyone who listens. One of the city's real "up-and-comers." Amber Fults Friday, Mar. 28, 10 p.m. Tremont Tavern 1203 Hixson Pike

7 p.m. Becky’s Restaurant and Spirits 2503 Westside Dr. (423) 485-3873 Taylor Franklin Jr. Recital 7:30 p.m. Cadek Conservatory of Music 725 Oak St., Room 201. Oratorio Concert 7:30 p.m. Second Presbyterian Church 700 Pine St. Senior Recital: Chealsea Davidson 8 p.m. Lee University Humanities Building, Squires Recital Hall 1250 Parker St. NE, Cleveland. Mountain Opry: Scenic Land Gospel Quartet 8 p.m. Walden’s Ridge Civic Center 2501 Fairmount Pk. (423) 866-3252

Southlander 8 p.m. American Legion Post 81 227 James Asbury Ln., Cleveland. Logan from The Micks 8:30 p.m. The Foundry 1201 Broad St. Brandon Reeves 9 p.m. The Office 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn). (423) 634-9191 The Dirty Guv’nahs 9 p.m. Track 29 1400 Market St. Rubik’s Groove 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews 221 Market St. Kelsey’s Woods 10 p.m. T-Bones 1419 Chestnut St. Moustache Friday: Double Dick Slick, Glowing Bordis, Richie 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd.

saturday3.29 Old-Time Travelers 12:30 p.m. Chattanooga River Market, Tennessee Aquarium Plaza 1 Broad St. Chattanooga Clarinet Choir 2 p.m. Chattanooga Public Library 1001 Broad St. Robert Lee 6 p.m. DeBarge Vineyards and Winery 1617 Rossville Ave. Maycomb Criers 6 p.m. Sky Zoo 5709 Lee Hwy. Head North, Broadside 6 p.m. Cloud Springs Deli 4097 Cloud Springs Rd., Ringgold, Ga. Vanita Joines 8 p.m. ReCreate Cafe 800 McCallie Ave. Jimmy Tawater & The River City Showcase 8 p.m. Tivoli Theater 709 Broad St. Sarah Morgan 8 p.m. Charles and Myrtle’s Coffeehouse 105 McBrien Rd. The Pool 8:30 p.m. The Foundry 1201 Broad St. The Ori Naftaly Band 9 p.m. Jewish Cultural Center

5461 N. Terrace Rd. Fifth on the Floor 9:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews 221 Market St. Troy Underwood 9 p.m. The Office 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn). (423) 634-9191 Husky Burnette 10 p.m. T-Bones 1419 Chestnut St. Diarrhea Planet, Faux Ferocious 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd.

sunday3.30 Paradiso & Rasamayi 3 p.m. Center for Mindful Living 1212 McCallie Ave. centerformindfulliving. Irish Music Session 5 p.m. Enzo’s Market 1501 Long St. Songbook: Love Songs 6 p.m. Bessie Smith Cultural Center 200 E. MLK Blvd. Molly Maguires 7 p.m. The Honest Pint 35 Patten Pkwy. Sunday Jam 7 p.m. Ziggy’s Underground 607 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 265-8711 Latin Winds 7:30 p.m. Collegedale Seventh-Day Adventist Church 4829 College Dr. E. Blind Draw 9 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar 5751 Brainerd Rd. The Play 10 p.m. T-Bones 1419 Chestnut St.

monday3.31 Music Monday 7 p.m. Pasha Coffee and Tea 3914 St. Elmo Ave. (423) 475-5482 Honor Recital 7:30 p.m. Lee University Humanities Building, Squires Recital Hall 1250 Parker St. NE, Cleveland. Tresillo Trio 7:30 p.m. UTC Fine Arts Center Vine & Palmetto Sts.

tuesday4.1 Patten Performances: Stefon Harris 7:30 p.m.


Umphrey’s McGee

UTC Fine Arts Center Vine & Palmetto Sts. Faculty Recital: Gordon James, Janet Hale, Mary Beth Wickes 7:30 p.m. Lee University Humanities Building, Squires Recital Hall 1250 Parker St. NE, Cleveland. Uptown Big Band Swing Party 8 p.m. Rhythm & Brews 221 Market St. Umphrey’s McGee 8:45 p.m. Track 29 1400 Market St. Mang, Afro, Monomath 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd.

wednesday4.2 Old Time Music Community Jam 6 p.m. Enzo’s Market 1501 Long St. Chris Knight, Cardon Smith 9 p.m. Rhythm & Brews 221 Market St.

901 Carter St (Inside Days Inn) 423-634-9191 Thursday, March 27: 9pm Open Mic with Hap Henninger Friday, March 28: 9pm Brandon Reeves (from Atlanta, GA) Saturday, March 29: 10pm Troy Underwood Tuesday, April 1: 7pm Server/Hotel Appreciation Night $5 Pitchers $2 Wells $1.50 Domestics ●

All shows are free with dinner or 2 drinks! Stop by & check out our daily specials! Happy Hour: Mon-Fri: 4-7pm $1 10oz drafts, $3 32oz drafts, $2 Wells, $1.50 Domestics, Free Appetizers

Join us on Facebook daily lunCh & drink speCials!

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410 market • (423) 757-wing

CheCk out the Cat in the hat

Map these locations on Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@ • march 27-APRIL 2, 2014 • The Pulse • 17

Record Reviews

Brian king

Take A Number And Run

Springtime for baseball, autumn for defense?











The Autumn Defense Fifth (Yep Roc Records)


uring the last several years, the band Wilco has arguably experienced a drop in quality since the occurrence of two probably interconnected events: the departure of Jay Bennett, and the increasing influence of principal songwriter Jeff Tweedy. In fact, the band these days might as well be called the Jeff Tweedy Experience because that’s virtually all you get with a new release from these guys. And if you are terminally addicted to Tweedy’s self-absorbed, modernday singer-songwriter confessionals, you are probably quite satisfied with this result. However, long-time Wilco bassist John Stirratt and Wilco utility player Pat Sansone’s side project The Autumn Defense has just released its fifth full-length album, pithily entitled Fifth, and the difference between side project and main band is becoming a challenge to distinguish. The Autumn Defense began life as a way for Sirratt and Sansone to explore their mutual fascination with studio production and early-’70s California rock: sunshine, oceans, harmonies, gentle

18 • The Pulse • march 27-APRIL 2, 2014 •

The Baseball Project 3rd (Yep Roc Records) guitars and soothing keyboards rule the day here. Reference points are bands like America, Bread, and the Carpenters. These were melody-heavy groups that concentrated on the softer side of the rock scene. And after four albums and an EP, The Autumn Defense have kicked up the juice a bit on Fifth —although they still aren’t exactly Led Zeppelin. Nevertheless, the band does rock a bit more than usual, and the tempos on many songs actually approach dance speed for once. All of which indicates a bit more effort being put forth and possibly more attention or ambition going into the group, suggesting a movement from sideband status to main concern. There are several tracks to isolate and call attention to: Sansone’s Roger McGuin-like “Things on My Mind” utilizes classic 12-string guitar lines and ’60s-style handclaps to evoke a late-period Byrds feel. “The Light in Your Eyes” resembles Syd Barret writing a alt-country song through the lens of S.F. Sorrowera Pretty Things. (Mellotrons on modern records will always excite me personally.)

A very obvious comparison for The Autumn Defense and Wilco would be the career of George Harrison in the wake of Lennon and McCartney’s tidal wave, and like that comparison, many will find Sirratt and Sansone to be preferable to the main group’s output. Wilco is still a major force in the concert scene, but may be losing steam creatively since the highwater mark of Yankee Hotel Foxtrot. But it might be said The Autumn Defense is just now hitting its stride,which makes that group the one to be watching. Personally, I’m looking forward to Sixth.


nce upon a time, baseball used to be America’s favorite pastime, and for The Baseball Project, which features a who’s who litany of ’80s alternative rock heros, the game that Abner Doubleday did not actually invent is still a source of inspiration. In fact, it’s because such lore surrounds the game that Steve Wynn and Scott McCaughey have found cause to release 3rd, the latest Baseball Project album, which lyrically explores the myriad stories associated with the game and

its many illustrious players. Wynn is ex-Dream Syndicate, one of Los Angleles’ leading lights of the misleadingly titled Paisley Underground movement. McCaughey first surfaced nationally in Seattle’s Young Fresh Fellows, and the pair are supported by pals Peter Buck and Mike Mills from some band or another and drummer Linda Pitmon. Musically, the group seems to draw somewhat equally on all the members’ influences, and now with Mills on bass, Buck has moved over to guitar to form a three-layer guitar attack that creates quite the rock and roll racket—but never loses a keen sense of pop melody. The guitars are tough, slashing and live. This band verges on punk rock intensity. But it’s in the lyrics that The Baseball Project makes its mark, and they offer what amounts to an intense seminar in the history of a game that has marked many of America’s milestones. There’s “They Don’t Know Henry”, which documents Hank Aaron’s internal struggle in chasing Babe Ruth’s lauded home run record. The amusing “The Day Doc Went Hunting Heads” features the tale of Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher Doc Ellis’ 1974 meltdown, wherin he attempted to bean every member of the Cincinnati Reds. Take that Big Red Machine! “They Played Baseball” is a laundry list of baseball’s many spectacular players who were simutaneously lousy human beings. Wynn even includes a love letter to his baseball card collection. It’s not a prerequiste, though, to be a baseball fan to enjoy the albums The Baseball Project has been producing since 2008. In fact, I would guess that’s part of the idea. These musicians clearly love a game they grew up with and have a sense of allegiance to, and possess a sense of duty to share these stories, and hence their passion, with the rest of the world. And they make a very compelling case indeed.



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SATURDAY, MARCH 29, 8:00 PM • TICKET PRICE: $15 Advance Ticket Sales: Memorial Box Office, 399 McCallie Ave, Chattanooga, TN 37402 Monday-Friday 10:00am to 6:30pm Charge By Phone: 423-757-5050; Monday-Friday 10:00am to 6:30pm Day Of Show: Tivoli Theatre Box Office, 709 Broad St, Chattanooga, TN 37402 Website: • march 27-APRIL 2, 2014 • The Pulse • 19


The Art of Building Community

Head for the Hunter


EFORM: A HABITAT FOR HUMANITY EXHIBIT” IS only up at the AVA gallery on Frazier until Mar. 31—but that still gives you a few days to get to the Northshore and not only check out works from local artists, but also purchase them.

Insights on African American Art and the Harlem Renaissance You’ve still got time to see the outstanding and not-to-be-missed exhibition at the Hunter Museum, “African American Art: Harlem Renaissance, Civil Rights Era and Beyond” (it continues through May 25), but you’ll have only one chance to hear Smithsonian American Art Museum Chief Curator Dr. Virginia Mecklenburg, one of the curators of that exhibition. Dr. Mecklenburg is in town for one night only, Mar. 27, to speak about the work as that evening’s Art Wise: Distinguished Speakers at the Hunter. The insight Dr. Mecklenburg will pro-

vide will be invaluable for those wanting to fully appreciate this complex and important exhibit. Oh, and don’t forget: Free First Sunday at the Hunter is coming up Apr. 6. Art Wise: Distinguished Speakers at the Hunter presents Dr. Virginia Mecklenburg Thursday, March 27, 6 p.m. Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. Free with museum admission, $9.95. (423) 267-0968







“And Then There Were None”

Jazzanooga 2014 Kickoff Reception

Chattanooga Roller Girls “Grand Slam”

• Ten people, each with something to hide and something to fear, are invited to a lonely mansion on a distant island by a host who, surprisingly, fails to appear. And one by one, they start to die... 7 p.m. • Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8538

• April is National Jazz Appreciation Month and the folks at Jazzanooga are kicking off a month's worth of fantastic events with gathering of the jazz faithful. Come on out, learn what all is in store, and get ready for a jazzy great month. 5:30 p.m. • Society of Work 701 Market St., Ste. 1350 (423) 449-9112

• It's the season opener for our favorite ladies on eight wheels, who will be taking on Vette City Roller Derby in a highly anticipated rematch. Doors open at 6 p.m. Get there early to grab a spot in the suicide seats! 7 p.m. • Chattanooga Convention Center 1100 Carter St. (423) 756-0001

20 • The Pulse • march 27-APRIL 2, 2014 •


For me, this evoked nature: The power of the sea to repurpose man’s careless, poisonous discards and make them beautiful.”

Here’s why you should consider doing that: the purchase price supports the artist, Habitat and AVA in equal portions and you get a great new piece for your budding collection. AVA’s Lauren Goforth explains that the idea for “ReForm” came up because “there are lots of artists in Chattanooga working with repurposed materials” (see, for example, The Pulse’s arts feature in the Mar. 20 issue on Ashley Hamilton), alongside a proposal from Habitat to do a joint fundraiser. “The idea of the exhibit, to show the relationship of art and social change, also helps to highlight the goals of ReStore,” says Goforth, referring to Habitat’s retail outlet at 1150 E. 14th St., which accepts donations of building materials and appliances and “recycles” them to new projects. “There are many people who don’t really understand how ReStore works. People have to contribute volunteer hours to be eligible for free materials from ReStore. It’s a great example of the community helping itself.” The artists featured in the exhibit, Adam Kirby, Stephen Nemecek, Andrew Nigh, Carrie Pendergrass, Karen Rudolph, Ann Steverson and Conrad Tengler, all volunteered their work. “Some of it was created with materials from ReStore, and some already existed,” Goforth says. The pieces unsold at the end of the AVA show will be put into a silent auction at the upcoming Habitat fundraising gala. Visiting the exhibit as a visual art lover, but not an expert, I was struck by the quality of the work on view. To my eye, any of the

pieces would be right at home in galleries in New York and Los Angeles. Andrew Nigh is represented by two works, both triptychs. “Spiralic Apogee” on reclaimed plywood and “Wield” on reclaimed plywood with aniline dye, and epoxy are part of the same series, which seems to explore spirals, wheels, spokes and the relationship between them when they are separated. Perhaps I’ve got the new “Cosmos” series on the brain, but both these pieces said “physics” to me; the ever-evolving chain of creation, breaking apart, and yes, reforming. My favorite pieces in the show were also part of a series, this one by Karen Rudolph, whose work I have long admired. “Crop Circle 1-4” are four mixed-media wall pieces made from metal and wood, and “Crop Circle 5” is a larger piece using the same materials. The gorgeous, lustrous, sea green color beckons from across the room. When you get closer, you realize that the circles embedded in the piece are metal can lids, and that the equally arresting seaweed brown color emanating from them is also the color of rust. Again, for me, this evoked nature: The power of the sea to repurpose man’s careless, poisonous discards and make them beautiful. Carrie Pendergrass makes a charming and poignant comment on a similar relationship with her “We’re All In This Together” (mixed media with wood, used

Starbucks gift cards and acrylic). Two brightly colored birds perch or fly across a skyline composed of buildings made of Starbucks cards. Message received and appreciated. Two large pieces by Adam Kirby make the most direct connection with ReStore. I rather adored “Framed Construction: Sink”, which uses an actual, modern sink. The contrast between the smooth, sculpted curves of the sink (the parts meant to be seen), contrasted with the “dangly bits” attached below (which allow the parts above to function) made me chuckle. Sound familiar? The smallest, but by no means the least of the exhibit’s pieces is Conrad Tengler’s “#6”, created from a found railroad spike and forged. The immediate impression, based on the piece’s curve, is of a scorpion preparing to strike, but then its segments begin to recall a human spine. Fascinating and fun. Find the time to drop in on this show while it’s still up—and if you can, support art, artists and Habitat by allowing one of these pieces to inhabit your home. “ReForm: A Habitat for Humanity Exhibit” through Mar. 31 at AVA Gallery 30 Frazier Ave. Open Tues-Sat 11 a.m. – 5 p.m. (423) 265-4282,


"Wield" by Andrew Nigh

Follow Art 120:

Friday April 4, Miller Plaza 7-10pm A FREE, FUNKY, FUN-RAISER!

Eat, Drink, & Dance! Music by DJ 789! Trophies for Most Creative Attire!

Special Thanks To: • march 27-APRIL 2, 2014 • The Pulse • 21

Make plans to visit Spring Break!

Adventure awaits you at Rock City’s newest event, Fairytale Nights where Dreams Come to Life! Join us on a spectacular journey as we travel to a faraway kingdom where magic is around every turn. Help Little Red Riding Hood avoid the Big Bad Wolf; follow Jack as he ventures off the beanstalk into the giant’s lair; enjoy the radiant gardens with Cinderella; learn to sword fight with a knight! Don’t miss this chance to make magical memories at Rock City’s Fairytale Nights!

March 28 to April 20


A Magical New Evening Event

thursday3.27 Free Seminar: Growing Blueberries and Fruit Trees Ooltewah Nursery & Landscape 5829 Main St., Ooltewah (423) 238-9775 Art Wise: Distinguished Speakers presents Virginia Mecklenburg 6 p.m. Hunter Museum of American Art 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968 Chattanooga Women Writers Meeting 7 p.m. Downtown YMCA 301 W. 6th St. (423) 266-3766 ChattanoogaWomenWriters “And Then There Were None” 7 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8538 “The Scarlet Letter” 7:30 p.m. Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga 5900 Brainerd Rd. (423) 987-5141

friday3.28 Reflection Riding Spring Native Plant Sale 9 a.m. Chattanooga Arboretum and Nature Center 400 Garden Rd.

22 • The Pulse • march 27-APRIL 2, 2014 •

Reflection Riding Spring Native Plant Sale (423) 821-1160 Sew What 3 p.m. Chattanooga Public Library 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-5310 Jazzanooga 2014 Kickoff Reception 5:30 p.m. Society of Work 701 Market St., Ste. 1350 (423) 449-9112 Steve Wilson 7:30, 10 p.m. The Comedy Catch 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233 “The Scarlet Letter” 7:30 p.m. Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga 5900 Brainerd Rd. (423) 987-5141 ensembletheatre-

Pulse pick: stefon harris Talented jazz vibraphonist of whom the Los Angeles Times said is "one of the most important young artists in jazz" and "much in demand as a star sideman." Patten Performances Tuesday, Apr. 1, 7:30 p.m. UTC Fine Arts Center Vine & Palmetto Sts. (423) 425-4371 “And Then There Were None” 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8538

saturday3.29 Reflection Riding Spring Native Plant Sale 9 a.m. Chattanooga Arboretum and Nature Center 400 Garden Rd. (423) 821-1160 Free Seminar: Growing Blueberries and Fruit Trees 10 a.m. Ooltewah Nursery & Landscape 5829 Main St., Ooltewah (423) 238-9775 Ready to Garden Workshop

10 a.m. Crabtree Farms 1000 E 30th St. (423) 493-9155 Fiberworks Fashion Show and Market 10 a.m. Museum Center Five Points 200 Inman St. , Cleveland Repticon Chattanooga Reptile and Exotic Animal Show 10 a.m. Camp Jordan 323 Camp Jordan Pkwy. (423) 490-0078 CANC March Animal Presentations 11 a.m. Chattanooga Arboretum and Nature Center 400 Garden Rd. (423) 821-1160 Intro to Indigo Dyeing Class 1 p.m. Chattanooga Workspace 302 W. 6th St. (423) 822-5750 Artful Yoga at the Hunter Museum 1:30 p.m. Hunter Museum of American Art 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968 Saturday Cinema: “The Lone Ranger” 2:30 p.m. Eastgate Public Library 5705 Marlin Rd., Ste. 1500. (423) 757-5310 “Grand Slam’”- Season Opener: Chattanooga Roller Girls 7 p.m.


“The Scarlet Letter” Chattanooga Convention Center 1100 Carter St. (423) 756-0001 “The Scarlet Letter” 7:30 p.m. Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga 5900 Brainerd Rd. (423) 987-5141 Steve Wilson 7:30 , 10 p.m. The Comedy Catch 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233 “And Then There Were None” 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8538 Travis Howze 10:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839

sunday3.30 Repticon Chattanooga Reptile and Exotic Animal Show Camp Jordan 323 Camp Jordan Pkwy. (423) 490-0078 Reflection Riding Spring Native Plant Sale Noon. Chattanooga Arboretum and Nature Center 400 Garden Rd. (423) 821-1160 “And Then There Were None”

2:30 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8538 “The Scarlet Letter” 2:30 p.m. Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga 5900 Brainerd Rd. (423) 987-5141 Songbook Series 6 p.m. Bessie Smith Cultural Center 200 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-8658 Steve Wilson 7:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch 3224 Brainerd Road (423) 629-2233

monday3.31 LAUNCH’s Learn How To Start Your Own Business course 6 p.m. Northside Neighborhood House, 211 Minor St. (423) 267-2217 Rapid Learning Intro/ Roll–Whitewater Class 7 p.m. Outdoor Chattanooga 200 River St. (423) 643-6888

tuesday4.1 Painting the Impressionist Landscape with Durinda Cheek 9 a.m. Townsend Atelier

201 W. Main St. (423)-266-2712 Set in Stone Concrete Design House - The Nightly Build class series 6 p.m. Set in Stone 306 W. Main St., Ste. 114 (423) 290-1180 LAUNCH’s Learn How To Start Your Own Business course 6 p.m. Northside Neighborhood House, 211 Minor St. (423) 267-2217 Patten Performances: Stefon Harris 7:30 p.m. UTC Fine Arts Center Vine & Palmetto Sts. (423) 425-4371

wednesday4.2 Girls Inc. of Chattanooga’s 10th Annual Unbought and Unbossed Luncheon 11:30 a.m. Chattanooga Convention Center 1100 Carter St. (423) 624-4757

ongoing “Collaborations” River Gallery 400 E. Second St. (423) 265-5033 “Nature At Its Best” (opens April 1) River Gallery 400 E. Second St.

(423) 265-5033 “African American Art: Harlem Renaissance Civil Rights Era and Beyond” Hunter Museum, 10 Bluff View. (423) 267-0968 Michelle Segre “Sculptures and Drawings” 2014 Diane Marek Visiting Artist UTC Cress Gallery of Art, 736 Vine St. (423) 425-4600 ”Satan’s Breath” (through March 31) In-Town Gallery 26A Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9214 “Bright Ideas: African American Inventors” Bessie Smith Cultural Center, 200 E. Martin Luther King Blvd. (423) 266-8658 Photo Society of Chattanooga Gallery at Blackwell, 71 Eastgate Loop (423) 894-7112 ReForm: A Habitat for Humanity Exhibition (through March 31) AVA Gallery, 30 Frazier Ave. (423) 265-4282 Rock City Raptors
 Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd, Lookout Mountain, GA (706) 820-2531

Map these locations on Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@

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423.821.2544 • march 27-APRIL 2, 2014 • The Pulse • 23


A Glorious Western Mess Fantastic visuals fail to resurrect classic TV Western When word first broke that Johnny Depp was going to star in a big-budget feature film update on the classic televison and radio serial "Lone Ranger", western fans around the world became very excited. Then it was revealed that instead of the iconic lawman, Depp would instead take on the role of "faithful Indian companion" Tonto, which led to a lot of head-scratching. Armie Hammer was, instead, going to put on the mask and Texas Ranger badge. Still, Depp has developed a welldserved reputation for creating offbeat, indelible chatacters, ranging from Ed-


ward Scissorhands through Captain Jack Sparrow, so people were willing to reserve judgement. And then we saw the movie. To say it was an incomprehensible mess would be kind. Visually, the movie was stunning with fanastic cinematography. From a story standpoint, though...well, if you haven't seen it, find out yourself. Saturday Cinema: “The Lone Ranger” Saturday, Mar. 29, 2:30 p.m. Eastgate Public Library 5705 Marlin Rd., Ste. 1500. (423) 757-5310


"Noah" A man is chosen by God to undertake a momentous mission of rescue before an apocalyptic flood destroys the world. It's loosely based on the Biblical tale, but greatly expands upon the story. (PG-13) Director: Darren Aronofsky Stars: Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly, Anthony Hopkins, Emma Watson


"Sabotage" Members of an elite DEA task force find themselves being taken down one by one after they rob a drug cartel safe house. Arnold Schwarzenegger returns once again. (R) Director: David Ayer Stars: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sam Worthington, Terrence Howard

24 • The Pulse • march 27-APRIL 2, 2014 •

Dangerous Frog, Bacon Jokes—We Love Our Muppets


VERY TIME I SEE A MUPPET MOVIE, I’M REMINDED of just how much I want to see the actual show. Not the backstage antics, not the moving pieces, not the celebrities interacting with Gonzo, but the actual show from the audience perspective. I want to be in a box with Statler and Waldorf and take in the entire thing, from start to finish.


It’s exactly as entertaining as it sounds. Machete might not text, but he sure does dance.”

Of course, the Muppets are as much about poking fun at show business as they are about good family fun, but I want to watch the indoor running of the bulls transition into a five-song Celine Dion tribute by Miss Piggy, followed up with an Electric Mayhem slow jam featuring a three-hour Animal drum solo. That’s real entertainment. Despite the obvious family themes and juvenile humor, I’m still convinced that Muppet movies are made for people between 30-40 years old. There’s too much background knowledge needed to catch all the jokes. “Muppets Most Wanted,” the latest sequel in the seven feature film franchise, is every bit as much a Muppet movie as any previous incarnation, with pig puns, self-referential humor and celebrity cameos. Children might have a hard time keeping up with all the characters, but they’ve got to start somewhere, right? This Muppet film doesn’t deviate from much from the standard plot. Picking up immediately after the final shot in “The Muppets”, this film is, like most of the other films, all about

The whole Muppet gang is back, and somehow this time they all have feet!

a road trip (an international tour this time), keeping the Muppets together, and not taking the important people in our lives for granted. It’s filled with clever songs, recognizable celebrities and standard Muppet humor. The opening song is likely the best, making fun of the Hollywood sequel obsession and the importance of moneymaking franchises. The best jokes are about the absurdity of Hollywood and the interconnected plot of the previous movie (“Walter quit the Muppets? Didn’t we just do a whole movie about Walter wanting to join the Muppets?”) This one has Rickey Gervais (as Dominic Badguy), and Constantine, the World’s Most Dangerous Frog, sending Kermit to a Russian gulag in order to highjack the Muppet Show and steal England’s crown jewels. Not that it matters—Kermit only ends up in a Russian gulag so the audience has an opportunity to see Danny Trejo perform in the annual Prison Review (“Don’t Riot!”).

It’s exactly as entertaining as it sounds. Machete might not text, but he sure does dance. Muppet movies are always fun, especially for the first few minutes, but the truth is that the concept works much better as a weekly television series.

lines of the movie, which even though it’s funny and fun, is not the same and never will be. Much like the jokes packed into the opening song, we are reminded that the Muppets are a money-making franchise that will never be allowed to die with honor. There’s too much at stake for the shareholders of Disney. I couldn’t help but feel an underlying cynicism lurking beneath the colors and music. But enough of that. I went to see “Muppets Most Wanted” with my son because I knew he’d like it. That’s what it’s for, and the result was a fully engaged and giggling four year old transfixed by the silliness on the big screen. It was certainly enough to keep him happy and I’d rather have him love the Muppets than grasp onto every animated cartoon that shouts at him from the television. At one point, he turned to me and whispered, “Daddy! That guy! I know that guy!” I suppose he gets the point of the Muppets—after all.

The best jokes are about the absurdity of Hollywood and the interconnected plot of the previous movie. There are only so many bacon jokes one can handle in an hour and counting celebrities gets tiring after a while. And this film is lacking the charm and wit of Jason Segal, who wrote and starred in 2011’s “The Muppets,” and is likely the only person in Hollywood to really give the Muppets the respect they deserve. Not to mention that we can’t help but be reminded that Jim Henson is nowhere to be found, as even his son has now shuffled off this mortal coil. There is an emptiness to be found between the


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Free Will Astrology

rob brezsny will have an uncanny ability to make transmutations that are almost as dramatic as changing bathwater to beer.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): I have coined a new word just for your horoscope this week. It’s “zex,” short for “zen sex.” Zex is a kind of sex in which your mind is at rest, empty of all thoughts. You breathe slowly and calmly, move slowly and calmly, grunt and moan slowly and calmly. You are completely detached from the sensual pleasure you are experiencing. You have no goals other than the intention to be free of all goals. Zex is the ONLY variety of sex I recommend for you right now, Aries. APRIL FOOL! I lied. Zex may be fine to practice at any other time, but not these days. The style of sex you need most is exuberant, unbridled, expansive, and even zany. TAURUS (April 20-May 20): In Somalia, there’s a law that forbids you from putting your used chewing gum on your nose and walking around in public. Fortunately, you don’t live there, so it’s fine if you want to do that. In fact, I encourage you to go right ahead. To do so would be right in alignment with the cosmic omens. APRIL FOOL! I lied. You should definitely not take yourself too seriously this week; you should look for opportunities to playfully lose your dignity and razz the status quo. But there are craftier ways to do that than by sticking gum on your nose. GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Tata Massage is a salon in San Francisco that provides an unusual beauty treatment: face-slapping. The Thai masseuse named Tata claims to be improving your complexion as she smacks your cheeks and forehead with her hands. She also does “massage boxing,” in which she administers health-giving punches to your body with her fists. Is there a comparable service available where you live? I highly recommend it. APRIL FOOL! I lied. Here’s the truth: You should be absolutely firm that you won’t tolerate whacks and wallops—including the psychological kind—even if they are supposedly good for you. CANCER (June 21-July 22): Now would be an excellent time to launch a new tradition or instigate a fresh trend or make a beautiful thing that will last for a thousand years. I’m talking about an amazing marvel or useful innovation or unique creation that will improve the lives of countless humans all

26 • The Pulse • march 27-APRIL 2, 2014 •

over the planet for the next 40 generations. APRIL FOOL! I was exaggerating a bit. Producing something that will last a thousand years is too ambitious. How about if you simply launch a new tradition or instigate a fresh trend or create a beautiful thing that will last for the rest of your long life—an amazing marvel or useful innovation or unique creation that will continue to teach and amuse you all along the way? LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Your patron saint for the next three months is surrealistic artist Salvador Dali. Regard him as your muse and role model. In fact, you might want to spout some of his famous declarations as if they were your own. Start with these: 1. “The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.” 2. “I do not take drugs; I am drugs.” 3. “Mistakes are almost always of a sacred nature.” 4. “Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it.” APRIL FOOL! I lied. Salvador Dali is your patron saint, role model, and muse for only the next 14 days, not three months. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You know how Jesus could supposedly turn water into wine? Well, St. Brigit, a sixth-century Irish nun, was legendary for an even greater miracle. When visitors came to her monastery in Kildare, she changed her old bathwater into beer for them to drink. I think there’s a good chance you will develop that precise talent sometime soon. APRIL FOOL! I kind of lied. You won’t really possess St. Brigit’s supernatural power. However, you

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The band Rush was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame last May. Guitarist Alex Lifeson delivered an unusual acceptance speech. For the two minutes he spoke, he repeated one word endlessly: “blah.” “Blah-blah-blah,” he began. “Blah-blah-blah blah-blah blahblah.” Many hand gestures and shifting vocal inflections accompanied his rap, always in support of variations on “blah-blah.” This is the spirit you should bring to all of your important conversations in the coming week. APRIL FOOL! I lied. In fact, the opposite is true. It’s crucial for you to speak very precisely and articulately in the coming week. Say exactly what you mean. Don’t rely on meaningless bullsh*# like “blah-blah.” SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): When a human embryo begins to develop in the womb, the very first body part that appears is—can you guess?—the anus. This scientific fact led the witty commentators at to declare that “Every human being starts out as an assh--.” They were making a joke, of course, hinting that every one of us has an unattractive quality or two that make us at least a little bit of a jerk. That’s the bad news, Scorpio. The good news is that you now have an unprecedented chance to transform the assh•*# aspects of your personality. APRIL FOOL! I lied. You’re not an assh•#*, not even a little bit. But it is true that the coming weeks will be an excellent time to try to fix or at least modulate your least attractive qualities. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): To be in strict compliance with cosmic necessity, you should attend a party every day in the coming week. Dance ecstatically, make love abundantly, and expose yourself to previously unknown pleasures. Feast on a wide variety of food and drink that introduces you to novel tastes. Make sure you experience record levels of sensual enjoyment, nonstop excitement, and dynamic socializing. APRIL FOOL! I’m exaggerating, although just a little. Try doing a 70-percent version of what I advised.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): has a step-bystep guide to set up your home as a command center where you can pursue your plans for world domination. The article provides advice on how to build a surveillance system, encrypt your computer files, and prepare for black-outs and weather emergencies. Do it, Capricorn! Get the lowdown at http:// APRIL FOOL! I lied. You don’t really need to create a high-tech fortress. But you would be wise to make your home into more of an ultra-comfortable, super-inspiring sanctuary—a place where you feel so safe and strong and smart that you will always have total power over yourself, and never feel driven to fulfill anyone else’s standards of success but your own. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The planetary omens suggest that you need to experience all possible flavors of Doritos corn chips. Here’s the problem: The place where you live offers only a limited range. That’s why I urge you to drop everything and travel to Japan, which is the world leader in Dorito variety. There you can sample coconut curry-flavored Doritos, along with fried chicken, corn soup, smoked bacon, tuna and mayonnaise, and many others. Buy your plane ticket now! APRIL FOOL! I lied. The truth is, you will benefit from communing with a wide variety of sensations and experiences and ideas in many areas of your life, not just Doritos. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): According to a survey by Public Policy Polling, four percent of the population believes that “shapeshifting reptilian people control our world by taking on human form and gaining political power to manipulate our societies.” My own research suggests that 62 percent of those believers are Pisceans. Are you one? If so, now is a good time to intensify your fight against the shape-shifting reptilian people. APRIL FOOL! I lied. In fact, I strongly encourage you NOT to feed your paranoid delusions and fearful reveries. This should be a time when you bolster your positive fantasies, constructive visions, and inspiring dreams.

Homework: Describe what you’d be like if you were the opposite of yourself. Write me at my website:




3658 Ringgold Road East Ridge, TN • 423.867.1351 • march 27-APRIL 2, 2014 • The Pulse • 27




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Visit Find your dream job today. 28 • The Pulse • march 27-APRIL 2, 2014 •

Jonesin’ Crossword

matt jones

“Something Themes Wrong” --restaurants I won’t be visiting.

Across 1 Item with a pole position? 5 Suffix meaning “followers of” 9 Like cartoonists’ hands 13 Candy rack cylinder 14 Big picture? 16 Questionnaire box 17 NYSE newsmakers 18 Nimble 19 Lemon candy 20 Unappealing theme restaurant based on a hit CGI movie? 23 Ancient Mexican pyramid builder 24 Try with the shirt again 25 Hot pants wearer, so to speak? 27 Looking over 30 Total 33 Org. with many conferences 35 “___ Flux”

37 Unappealing theme restaurant devoted to Hans Christian Andersen? 42 Circumstance’s partner 43 Opposed to 44 Role for Keanu 45 Chinese cuisine style 49 “Hair” producer Joseph ___ 51 “Mercy me!” 53 Like the wars between Carthage and Rome 57 Unappealing theme restaurant devoted to Irving Berlin? 60 Kudrow who’s among “Friends” 61 Barbershop offering 62 “Casablanca” character 63 Rapper/actor who turned 56 in February 64 One-on-one student 65 Insulting remark

66 Have the moxie 67 Keep goal in hockey 68 “Lights out” music Down 1 Painter Kahlo 2 Urban partner on TV? 3 “It’s ___ cause” 4 Mahalia Jackson’s genre 5 Apple product 6 Leonard or Robinson 7 Erie or Huron 8 ___ Mae (college money provider) 9 Unwilling to face reality 10 Screenwriter Ephron 11 Stomach tightness 12 “Got that right” 15 A little suspicious 21 Bake sale topping 22 Barney’s bartender 26 Oft-injured knee part, briefly 28 Kurt denial? 29 Outta here 30 “The Racer’s

Edge” sloganeer 31 “Whoops!” 32 Inbox item 34 Nabokov novel 36 Doctors Without Borders, e.g. 38 Current 39 Yet to be confirmed 40 Kingston Trio hit 41 Kate Middleton’s sister 46 Some degree of success? 47 Praiseful poet 48 Drill sergeant’s command 50 Not one to try new ideas 52 Marble type 54 ___ Wafers 55 “___ to you!” 56 Former rulers 57 Typography unit 58 Wi-fi seeker 59 Have to have 60 Box top

Copyright © 2014 Jonesin’ Crosswords. For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+ to call. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle No. 0668

Music for Chattanooga’s Coolest Generation • march 27-APRIL 2, 2014 • The Pulse • 29

Displaying The Gentle Touch Looking for a missing finger tends to result in a lot of cop humor. Maybe you had to be there. The flashlight that I had was inadequate for the task. LED of course, but probably only three or four hundred lumen, powered by three 1.5 volt batteries instead of the custom 3-volt batteries that were a pain to come across and expectedly more expensive. It was originally designed to be mounted on the underside of the barrel of a pistol, but it was compact and the same mounting system worked well on my gun belt. That said, I ALEX couldn’t find the finger anywhere with the light it was providing. The owner of the finger was still lying in a supine position a dozen yards north of me, holding his now uncovered hand with his remaining gloved one and baring his teeth, but otherwise maintaining all the dignity one could expect from a 67-year-old man who had just been forced into a guard rail while riding a motorcycle at high speed and dealing with the crash that followed. At this point, I had found his clutch lever and the majority of the left handlebar grip— but not the finger that had been

sheared off as that same handlebar coasted down the guiding edge of the galvanized steel guard rail until it struck the next I-beam support post that conspired with physics and misfortune to clip off one of his digits, glove and all. “Did you look under the car?” I asked my partner. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve found a casing or a body part under my car. It’s embarrassing.” I was saying that for comfort, but it was also true. TEACH Few things make a rookie’s face red like having a veteran officer (much less detective) pull evidence from under his vehicle, no matter how rushed or well-intended the parking job was. “Of course I looked,” Miller said. “What am I, an asshole? I’ve never looked for a finger before?” I opened my mouth to respond but was cut off before I could do so by Gregory asking, “How many knuckles are we talking here? One, two…three?” I had to admit—it was a valid question. “Let’s assume one knuckle and go from there,” I shot

On The Beat

back. The tension between Miller and me immediately evaporated, as well it should. Everything was evaporating actually, because it was hot standing on a large state highway where a major federal interstate merged into it and no one was happy to be here, our client most of all. I glanced back up at him and remembered the importance of the chore we were performing: If his index finger wasn’t ground round, it could be reattached at the trauma center just down the road. I’d given up on the pavement, and was now trying to focus on the incredibly thick brush inside the median where I now increasingly suspected our client’s severed extremity lay. Soda bottles, blankets, a discarded toaster oven and cigarette butts galore, but no human finger, one knuckle or otherwise. It was actually kind of maddening. “Hey, how about we call a canine?” said Gregory. “It would find that thing in a second!” There were about 10 of us milling about, flashlights to the ground and looking in earnest, all of whom stopped in their tracks nearly simultaneously and looked at Gregory in confusion. They opened their mouths, but I beat them to it. “A canine? Brilliant. And when Scooby finds that little tidbit just what exactly do you think that beast will do? Send you an email, or suck it up like a double-stuffed Oreo?! THEN what is this gentleman lying in the road going to do,

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Few things make a rookie’s face red like having a veteran officer pull evidence from under his vehicle, no matter how rushed or well-intended the parking job was. wait an extra day? Maybe less, maybe have the dog avoid fiber for the remainder of the night to speed up the process so this guy can have a poo-finger?!” Gregory paused, then resumed his search with the rest of us. “What you think about this, Sarge?” said another cop down the line. The scene supervisor glanced up at him, and the cop continued, “Most of our careers, our customers are giving us the finger. Now we’re looking for one. Go figure.” Sarge allowed the corner of his mouth to curl up, the closest he usually got to a smile, before walking back towards the meat wagon and speaking to a tech who had just emerged

from the back double doors. They conferred and the boss turned towards us and raised his index finger in a swirling fashion while yelling, “Mount up! If we haven’t found it, it’s too late, so let’s open the road before we have to work two or three more of these.” I paused, genuinely not wanting to call off the search, but there had been nearly a dozen of us combing the area for nearly half an hour without success, and at some point you just have to let go. I hopped in the car and as we all began to depart one by one, the ambulance finally having left, I keyed up on the radio and let the dispatcher know I was back in service, and to thank everybody for lending a hand. Someone thought to key up on their own radio and laugh in response. I thought about it and blushed. Hey. When officer Alexander D. Teach is not patrolling our fair city on the heels of the criminal element, he spends his spare time volunteering for the Boehm Birth Defects Center. Follow him on Facebook at

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Mon-Fri: 10am-7pm Sat: 11a-4pm Closed Sunday Coming soon to Hixson! • march 27-APRIL 2, 2014 • The Pulse • 31



Great art is best accompanied by great food and great beverages. The 4 Bridges Arts Festival™ is proud to feature these delicious food and beverage makers throught the Festival weekend at the ChattaFood gallery.






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