COVER STORY the ground. “Alas, oh sovereign messenger of the Lord, the people are divided across this great land. Devotees of the bean will rise up against those of the true chili covenant. Dost thou not remember the great bean battles in the lands outside of Texas?” There are some who speak as if possessed by a dark spirit saying that chili without beans is not chili, but merely meat sauce that has turned its back against the truth. But yet our fathers and our father’s fathers have passed down the knowledge that if one addeth beans, one maketh stew, and thine chili is no more. Did not the prophet Wick Fowler tell us “If you know beans about chili, you know that chili has no beans.”? Sister Mary was so moved by my words that she had mercy on the people saying, “Just as pizza with pineapple is still pizza, so chili with beans remains chili. ‘Tis up to each eater to decide for themselves.” As for myself, I follow in the footsteps of the ancient chili prophets and cast my lot with those who eschew the bean. Where there is a bean in chili, the meat must compete and that is an abomination in my eyes. The Book of Meats In the days of yore, when the chili fathers ruled supreme, chili was made from sun-dried beef that had been pounded together with suet and dried chilies then stewed upon the fire. Sister Mary spoke of our troubled modern times, where brother fights against brother over what pleaseth the Lord more—ground beef or cubed chunks. The Lord spoke through Sister Mary and saith these truths; “Thou shalt procure the finest of meats, rich in connective tissue, fat and flavor. Eschew those muscles that do no work, like tenderloin or loin cuts. Instead, favor the harder working muscles like shoulder (chuck), short ribs, oxtail, or tri-tip, for those are blessed with flavor from on high.” As was taught to me by the forefa-
“It was then that her voice became like a chorus of angels and proclaimed that she would give to me a celestial account of all chili knowledge.” thers, these meats are to be cooked low and slow so that their connective tissues, abundant with collagen, will break down into a rich gelatin and give the beef a luxurious texture worthy of praise. In the days of my youth when time was short, ground beef was used across the land. But this is an abomination to the Lord. As it is written, chili is to be fashioned from the best meats, cut into 1/2”–1” cubes. These cubes shalt be seared on one side to establish the flavors of browning (all hail Maillard) while retaining a luscious soft texture on the remaining sides. Chilies 6:13 And after the third hour, a voice like
that of a trumpet sounded long and waxed loudly, “I am La Dama de Azul, the keeper of the one true chili and thou shall respect my authoritah. Art thou making chili con carne or carne con chili? All ingredients shall serve the chili pepper as master – all other ingredients from the earth below and the skies above shall bow down to the chili pepper when fashioning a vessel of chili.” When this, the High Priestess of Chili spake these words my heart leapt with joy and my soul cried out saying, “Who among us still makes use of the vile chili powders? Do we not know it is of a gritty nature with unpredictable flavors that can become stale
with age? Let the all the peoples of the earth rejoice in whole, dried chilies and the canned manna called Chipotles in Adobo Sauce. Sweet, hot, smokey and fruity chilies are all called upon to mingle with one another in harmony. Chipotles mixing with Arbols, Cascabels intermingling with Anchos, these are all good in the sight of the Lord. Thy faithful servant, the dried chili should be pliable and leather-like. If it cracks and is brittle, it is an abomination and should be cast into the trash heap of Gehenna. To prevent a gritty texture, soak thine dry chilies in beef stock before blending into a puree. The Ascension of La Dama de Azul Having delivered the good chili news and all the fullness therein, Sister Mary of Agreda began to ascend to the heavens saying, “Dear servant of the one true chili. Like a marriage, the coupling of beef, chili peppers and aromatics becomes better and more intimate with time. Be patient, dear servant, and allow thine chili to rest overnight, for this makes the Lord and all who eat of it smile and be glad.” And in the fullness of time, when the chili has rested, reheated and is ready to feed those who are blessed to partake of its goodness, we sprinkle upon it scallions, cheese and drinketh a fine beer or whiskey. These are all good in the eyes of the Lord. As she ascended into heaven, Sister Mary’s final words spoke of a recipe written upon bronze plates and kept in a cedar box beneath the old Chili King on Market Street. I transcribed this sacred chili recipe just before the angel Xapham took the plates back to heaven saying, “I must return these forthwith. Our Lord needs them for his records.” I fell prostrate on the floor and requested that the recipe be posted online. Thanks to the mercy of our Lord the recipe can be found on our website at chattanoogapulse.com
CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • OCTOBER 12, 2017 • THE PULSE • 9