Fake Friends Pilot ANGEL LUST by Brandi Powell
INT. JOB CENTER - DAY JAY, mid twenties and grungy, impatiently taps his foot. Across from him is REGINA, early teens, and her mother who is fussing over her daughter’s appearance. Regina rolls her eyes and they argue in whispers. The sound of a bell. JACK, mid twenties, enters with a broad smile and a thick portfolio in his hands. He sits across from Jay. A moment passes. JACK (to Jay) Are you here for auditions? I’m an actor; I have an eye for these things. You have such a nice face for the screenJAY I’m here for anything that pays. Oh.
JACK
REGINA Well I’m here for auditions. REGINA’S MOM She’s gonna be the next black Annie. A receptionist emerges from the desk of the waiting room. RECEPTIONIST Jay? Follow me. Jay gives Jack an odd look at the three of them as he leaves. INT. OFFICE - DAY GORDON, grumpy sleezeball, scans Jay’s resume. He’s thoroughly unimpressed. Jay picks at the holes in his jeans. GORDON Jay, huh. Your resume here is garbage. He holds it out in front of his face.
(CONTINUED)
2. CONTINUED: GORDON “Trash collector - 2 months”. How did you get fired after two months? JAY I didn’t get fired...I resigned. GORDON Listen Jay, you have absolutely no valuable skills or experience. But luckily...that’s exactly what I’m looking for. What?
JAY
GORDON I’m a man of many business ventures. And I have something that’s perfect for you and your lack of accomplishments. Thanks?
JAY
GORDON Let me make some educated guesses. You still live with your parents, correct? ...yes
JAY
GORDON And you didn’t finish college? Correct
JAY
GORDON And you’re apathetic, always late, and taking anti-depressants. JAY Alright, cool it. GORDON Did you ever consider...acting? JAY You’re joking.
(CONTINUED)
3. CONTINUED: (2) GORDON I have the perfect part for you. And that is?
JAY
GORDON Cold, aloof, and failed adult child. You’ve lost your ambition, probably smoke too much pot, and feel so sorry for yourself you’ve become the Grand Marshall of your own pity parade. You’ve made yourself a glaring physical representation of the apathetic millennial. And that archetype is only good for one thing: bullshitting. JAY I didn’t know I came to this recruitment office to get the antithesis of a therapy appointment. GORDON Look, you need money. And I need someone to show up, act like they care about something, and leave. JAY What sort of job is this? GORDON Have you ever heard of professional mourners? Guests for hire? JAY Yeah, in a Vice article once... GORDON I own a business called “Fake Friends”. I employee some actors, some professional bullshitters, and send them off to events to pretend to be whatever the customer needs. Sometimes a pathetic, nerdy kid wants some extra friends at his birthday party. (MORE)
(CONTINUED)
4. CONTINUED: (3)
GORDON (CONT'D) Sometimes a bride wants a full wedding even though she’s fucked over every one of her sorority sisters. Sometimes a shitty entrepreneur from his shitty state school business program wants a lot of people at his store’s opening night party. That’s where you come in. You get there, smile, interact, make them look cool. And leave. JAY So essentially I would be a professional ego booster. What if I get caught? What if someone I know is there? GORDON It’s all a part of the business. You roll with the punches and bullshit your way through. JAY Why exactly do you think I can do that? GORDON You’re desperate. You need income. And we pay $25 an hour.
Jay’s eyes open wide. INT. OFFICE LOUNGE - DAY Jack and Regina, the two we saw earlier in the waiting room, are seated awkwardly on a sofa. Gordon is in the corner speaking into the phone. Jay enters, late. Jack jumps up. JACK Hi, hello! I’m Jack. Jay.
JAY
Jay reaches out to shake his hand, but Jack pulls him into a death-grip hug.
(CONTINUED)
5. CONTINUED: JACK Isn’t this the most amazing job ever? I can’t believe it. Sure.
JAY
Gordon joins them. HELEN, mid-sixties and proud of it, enters. HELEN I’m here, darlings! JAY Gordon, who are these people? GORDON Jay, meet your family. What?
JAY
GORDON I’ve paired you four up to play a family for hire. Most of our customers need a family unit to make the whole thing more believable. Meet Jack, Helen, and Regina. REGINA I thought we agreed I would be working alone. I’m a professional actress. I’m calling my mom. GORDON Regina, your momager signed the agreement. You’re a unit. And you’re fifteen. I can’t just send you to these places alone. She’s fired.
REGINA
JAY How are we supposed to be family? I don’t know these people. We don’t even look like each other. How exactly are we related?
(CONTINUED)
6. CONTINUED: (2) GORDON Jay, don’t be so close-minded. You don’t need a nuclear family to be accepted! Jack here is your husband. You’ve dated since you were kids and got married a few years ago. Gordon begins to hand everyone portfolios containing their family history. On the front is a poorly drown stick-figure family holding hands. The group flips through them seeing crudely photoshopped family photos and a timeline. GORDON You adopted Regina, a lost cause, obviously. She was out of that cute range to be adopted, but you spared her anyway. And Helen is your mother. Gordon hands the last portfolio to Helen. GORDON This is your family packet. It has all your backstories. Read up, you’re booked for tomorrow. I’ve paired you all with Helen, she’s a veteran. REGINA She’s ancient. HELEN Watch your mouth, cunt. Holy shit.
REGINA
JACK What are we booked for? A funeral.
GORDON
JAY What?? This has to be illegal. REGINA We practically have a corpse with us.
(CONTINUED)
7. CONTINUED: (3) Helen lunges. Gordon and Jay catch her and hold her back. They struggle until Helen pulls out her flask. GORDON Regina, enough! I’m not dealing with a diva until you deserve to be called one. Regina rolls her eyes. JACK How do people even find us? The internet
GORDON
JAY Who booked us for a funeral? GORDON Who cares? You’ll each get $180. The group cheers. GORDON I’m going to lunch. Don’t kill each other. Gordon leaves, locking the door behind him. HELEN Listen up cum dumpsters. I’ve been doing this longer than this one has been alive. She gestures flippantly at Regina. HELEN So don’t play any games. I’ve been through it all. I’m looking at the most pitiful group I’ve seen since I stripped for a Young Republicans Club. If you want to learn from the best, listen to me. And you know why I care to implement my knowledge on you bozos? Tips. These people are desperate losers with wads of cash. They have money, but no friends. We play the part, they pay big. Jack claps with genuine emotion. He’s...crying?
(CONTINUED)
8. CONTINUED: (4) You.
HELEN
She points at Jack. Who are you?
HELEN
JACK I’m Jack Mullins. I’m 28, an actor, but I wait tables on the sideHELEN Does waiting tables pay you rent? JACK Well...Yes, butHELEN Then you’re a waiter. You. She points at Regina. REGINA I don’t know who you think you are to come in and dictate us like this. We just got here. You’re decrepit, clearly a lifelong messHELEN I prefer hot mess. REGINA -and you have nothing going for you if you’re here. You’re like 90. SoREGINA Alright. Bratty teen. You? She looks at Jay. JAY ...I’m just here for the pay. HELEN At least someone here is sane. As she says this, Regina is on the phone arguing with her momager and Jack is attempting to gently catch a fly in the room.
9. INT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY Mourners pass through the lobby of a funeral home, bowing their heads and whispering. A large portrait of a mustached man stands on top of an easel. Flowers litter the sides of the entryway. Guests sign a leather-bound guestbook and grab a fancy pamphlet as they head inside. Jack, Jay, Regina, and Helen enter in all black. Helen airs on the side of promiscuity. Jack has tailored, clean suit whereas Jay’s is rumpled and sad. HELEN Just bow your heads. Cry a little. Here. Helen discreetly hands over a small bottle of Visine. Jay leans down and squirts the tube in his eyes to appear like tears. He sniffles and passes it over. HELEN Alright gang, follow me. The three trail behind Helen as she pulls them into the coat room--empty in the summer heat. She takes the Visine from Jack and adds more to her own eyes, running her hands down her lids to smear her makeup. She gestures for Regina to do the same. Helen forcefully smacks Jack across the face. He screeches. OW!
JACK
HELEN Oh, save it. You’re more dramatic than my mother and she survived the Holocaust. Rub your eyes hard to make them red. She looks at Jay. HELEN You look naturally sad so you’re fine. JAY (deadpan) Great, thanks.
10. INT. SHOWING ROOM - DAY Two brothers, SAMUEL and ELI, and their sister, ALISON, shake the hands of those who have come to pay respects for their father. We see them each interact awkwardly with an array of guests - mostly older businessmen and women. ALISON Thank you for coming. Dad loved golfing with youELI Dad spent just as much time at your cabin as he did at home, he loved binge drinking with you. SAMUEL I know you had an affair with my father, thank you for that. He was much more tolerable when we wasn’t arguing with our mother. Jay, Jack, Helen, and Regina enter the room awkwardly. They are clearly out of place. ALISON (whispering) Who are they? ELI I don’t know any of these people. Dad barely saw us. Who knows? SAMUEL Eli you skullfuck, look around. Everyone here is either his mistress or business contact. That guy’s suit is straight out of Kohl’s. Across the room, Jay adjusts his too-long tie. ALISON They’re definitely odd...oh my god. What?
ELI
(CONTINUED)
11. CONTINUED: ALISON What if...that’s a side family. Like he fucked a receptionist 20 years ago and here they are. SAMUEL Don’t be ridiculous. Dad would never get with herHelen reaches down her dress when she believes nobody is looking and pulls a small flask. She takes a long drink before putting it back down the front and pulling the dress to make her boobs look good. SAMUEL Oh shit. He totally would. ALISON Could they be in the will? Oh god.
ELI
SAMUEL The least he owes us is his inheritance. If it goes to some mistress I swear to GodALISON Just keep an eye on them. INT. WOMEN’S BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER Regina paces the room as she calls her momager. A sobbing woman brushes passed her on her way out. DO YOU MIND?
REGINA
Regina rolls her eyes. The phone picks up. REGINA SHERRI, I need out of here NOW. These people are insane! One reeks of alcohol, the other of weed, and that last clown asked me my favorite Meryl Streep performance. We don’t even look like a family, they’re all white!
12. INT. SHOWING ROOM - DAY Jay and Jack look at a collage of photos in the back of the room. JAY Henry Claude Crowe. Born December 18th, 1925. JACK That’s so tragic. JAY ...that he died? He was pretty oldJACK No, that he was born so close to Christmas. He probably didn’t get any birthday party, just combined that with the holiday. And way less presents. JAY I doubt that mattered. The guy grew up in The Great Depression. He would’ve been thrilled with a Tic-Tac. Across the room, Helen is flirting with one of the businessmen her age. HELEN So how’d you know... CLARK Henry? Oh we go way back. I was his hedge fund analysis since the 80s. We invested a lot together, had a timeshare up inHelen is bored to death. She grabs his arm. HELEN Oh my goodness, look at this suit! My father used to be a tailor, so I know a good fit when I see once. This just accentuates...everything.. Oh really?
CLARK
Back to Jay.
(CONTINUED)
13. CONTINUED: Alison spots Jay, alone across the room. She stalks over. ALISON Hello. Thank you so much for coming to respect my father. He really was an incredible man. How did you know him? JAY Oh, yes. Henry. He pauses to remember his briefing. JAY Well, his experience up in...Syracuse...at that branch up there. We know each other from there. Syracuse. Alison looks skeptical. ALISON Did you do business with my father? Not exactly-
JAY
ALISON (accusatory) Alright, listen up you gold digger. We know why you and your family are here. Dad was always a cheater, but to have his side family invited to his funeral? I think it would be best if you leave. JAY (realizing) Ohh. You think HenryJay stops himself. Bullshitting mode--commence. JAY Henry was my father too. Just because your family was his first doesn’t make us any less important. Just younger. The ultimate insult for Alison. OLD.
(CONTINUED)
14. CONTINUED: (2) ALISON You look like a walking hangover. Your suit is three sizes too big, wrinkled, and stale. Your haircut cost $10 at Supercuts. Your idea of a good vacation is Myrtle BeachJAY You think insulting me is going to make me pull out? Please. You know who our father was. Jay backs away, Round 1 - won. INT. COAT CLOSET - DAY Jack looks anxiously at his phone. Regina enters. REGINA What are you doing here? This is my hide out, find another one. JACK Oh, I’m not hiding. Just, uh.. What?
REGINA
JACK Well, you’re am actress, right? REGINA I act, sing, dance, do Palin impressionsJACK A quadruple threat, I got it. Well...I’m waiting to hear back about a big audition. REGINA Oh. Cool. Anyways I’mJACK Wait, wait, wait! One more thing. Regina looks at him expectantly. JACK Do you think Jay is...gay?
(CONTINUED)
15. CONTINUED: REGINA Gay? I don’t know. Definitely not your type of gay. JACK Of course not. But why would he be put in our group as my fauxhusband if he wasn’t? REGINA I dunno. We’re acting, does it matter? I guess not.
JACK
REGINA Oh god. Are you serious? What?
JACK
REGINA You have a thing for him! JACK Jay? What? No, no, NO. He’s disheveled and... lanky. And he doesn’t own a belt. REGINA Objectively, you could do worse. JACK Regina, I do NOTREGINA Don’t worry. I won’t tell a soul. Unless you wrong me. I have blackmail on everyone though, so don’t feel special. Oh, and if you need me, I’m leaving. Important things to do, people to yell at. Byeee! Regina leaves. Jack groans in frustration and begins doing aggressive yoga poses to calm himself. EXT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY Regina waits for her mom impatiently. Her phone rings. Her ringtone is “Paper Planes” by M.I.A.
(CONTINUED)
16. CONTINUED: REGINA Hello?...What! I can’t wait another hour, everyone here is lame...No! You’re the worst manager ever. Regina hangs up. She turns towards a pillar of the building and scream to it. INT. MEN'S BATHROOM Jack is peeing at the urinal. Jay enters. JAY You’ve been peeing this entire time? JACK Not the entire time. I was on the phone with my agent. JAY Cool. Okay this family is onJACK (ignoring him) I auditioned for this off-Broadway lead role...I really thought I got it this time. JAY Oh. Sorry to hear it, man. But weJack is still peeing. JACK (tearing up) I just am really tired of auditioning and auditioning. I gained ten pounds for a role a month ago and now this one wanted me to lose thirty. I had to practicing kissing on Hot Pockets for weeks. I just try so hardJay awkwardly reaches over and pats his shoulder. Jack is still peeing. JAY Uh, you must’ve really had to go.
(CONTINUED)
17. CONTINUED: JACK I always take longer when I’m upset. He finally stops. Jack reaches for a paper towel to wipe his eyes, but Jay stops him. JAY Uh, sorry. Keep the tears. The family out there thinks we are some product of Henry’s mistress. JACK They think he had an affair with Helen? JAY Yeah. And now they’re trying to get us out without ruining the funeral. They think we are here to take the money. JACK Oh god, we should leave. JAY Leave? We’ve become real contenders for this money! They totally thought we were his side family. We have to stay and make a claim to the will. JACK Absolutely not. JAY Do you really think Regina and Helen will side with you? Just play along, we’ll split the total! JACK Oh god, Jay. You’re desperate for money, aren’t you. JAY Of course I am, we all are! I’ve eaten nothing but buttered bread all week.
(CONTINUED)
18. CONTINUED: (2) JACK Last month, I made my own rat poison to fight the hordes that live in my apartment. Bleach and jam. JAY I started doing Postmates, but ate everyone’s food and got fired. JACK Oh my god. My Postmate ate my fries last week. Was that you? INT. SHOWING ROOM - DAY Helen is flirting with a new man now. Samuel comes over. HELEN -and I loved being a masseuse, what I learned always comes in handySAMUEL Hello. Can I speak with you separately? HELEN (flattered) I wasn’t sure I still had it, but I can assure you I’m just as flexible as ISAMUEL Oh, gross. You really are just my Dad’s type. Excuse me?
HELEN
SAMUEL My family and I know you’re here to pay your respects, but it’s really time for you and your side to go. This funeral is for us to grieve. We can’t have his mistress parading around. You all need to go, now. A small group has noticed this conversation and begins to listen in.
(CONTINUED)
19. CONTINUED: HELEN (realizing) Oh, honey. We won’t be leaving. At least we actually cared about Henry. He was a monster in the sack, but also the best father to my son I could have asked for. We came to mourn. You came to collect a check. SAMUEL I can’t believe you’d accuse us of being greedy. We have never seen or heard of you, and you show up just as he died? Sounds like you’re looking for your share. A large crowd has now directed their attention towards the argument. HELEN Henry and I separated when your mother became ill, he loved me but thought it was cruel to leave her. We haven’t spoke since, but we deserve to mourn our loss just as well as yours. You three are biding your time until the will is filled to the court. You can hope and pray he loved you three, but I know the real Henry. He was a fan of mystery novels, Lifetime movies, and passionate lovemakingGross
SAMUEL
HELEN And he hated his three greedy kids, said you’d sooner let him die than donate his money. SAMUEL Dad would never donate. He said the ASPCA was a liberal scam. HELEN My Henry was an active donor. He voted for Clinton. Samuel gasps. Now the entire funeral home is staring at their fight.
(CONTINUED)
20. CONTINUED: (2) The funeral director marches in with Regina under his grasp. FUNERAL DIRECTOR Who’s child is this? We caught her in the office using the company credit card to buy Bitcoin. Jay and Jack run over, remember to play her fathers. Samuel and Helen continue to argue in the background. JAY (unconvincingly) Gina! Why would you do such a thing? REGINA Cryptocurrency is one of the fastest growingJack grabs her shoulder. JACK No worries, we will take her. Jay, Jack, and Regina move towards the casket and away from the crowd. Helen has spilled her drink on Samuel and now Alison and Eli are intervening. My suit!
SAMUEL
HELEN Oh don’t worry, Daddy’s inheritance should pay for a new one! Don’t worry, we can pull the suit off his dead body for now, you fecklessJack, in a moment of inspiration, leans into the casket and begins to pull the suit off the dead body. It’s pretty hard, ‘cause it’s a dead body and all. JAY (whispering angrily) Oh my god Jack, what are you doing! Nobody has noticed this as Helen and the siblings’ argument escalates. REGINA Oh my god, I’m going to throw up.
(CONTINUED)
21. CONTINUED: (3) Regina’s eyes begin to water. JACK Jay, help me lift him! JAY Are you out your mind? Jack has the body’ torso and lifted to the side awkwardly. JACK Just trust me! Jay sighs and grabs the body, helping to lift him up. JACK Regina, take the suit jacket off, quick. REGINA This is child abuse. Jay and Jack pull off the suit top and begin to lift the second half of the coffin. Holy shit! What?
JAY JACK
JAY He has...a boner? JACK Oh, that’s angel lust. He probably died on his stomach. Rare, but it happens. JAY I am never going to be able to sleep again. Jack pulls the suit pants off. He tears and turns around. The crowd fight, which has now escalated to match with Helen and Alison being
works up some actor is still watching the a full on screaming held back.
Jack moves towards the crowd and throws the suit at Samuel. With his weepy eyes, Regina’s puke-inspired tears, and Jay’s genetically sad face, they almost look like a mourning family.
(CONTINUED)
22. CONTINUED: (4) JACK Take it! Just take it! You want to rid Jay’s father over everything he had! You just want his money. Well, we loved Henry. And he loved us. You can take everything but you can never take away his spirit! The crowd stares at Jack, overcome by his emotional breakdown. Pretty decent acting. Helen is impressed. She looks behind him and dramatically yells. Henry!
HELEN
The crowd looks behind Jack to see Henry, hanging half out of the coffin with only white briefs on and a raging boner. They gasp, yell, and begin hurrying out the door. Oh my god!
SAMUEL
ELI What a way to go. ALISON This is disgusting, someone cover him up! JACK Actually, angel lust is more common than you’d think. It’s common with spinal cord injuries, when people die on their stomachs, hangings, oh and crucifixions. Jesus likely died with a boner. Actually some Renaissance paintings depictHELEN Alright, that’s enough. Let’s go. Helen motions for Jay, Jack, and Regina to follow her. Wait. Yes?
ALISON HELEN
(CONTINUED)
23. CONTINUED: (5) ALISON You really loved my father, didn’t you? HELEN Of course I did. I’m tired of defending my place in his life. SAMUEL I suppose we could’ve been more...welcoming. JAY It’s hard to accept, I’m sure. ELI We always knew he slept around, but to have an entirely separate family... JACK Yeah. Imagine how we felt when we discovered we were the side family. ALISON God, you’re right. Why are we arguing when he clearly wronged us both? SAMUEL Yeah. Dad was a real douchebag. HELEN But he loved you all. He was the douchebag that loved you. Samuel, Alison, and Eli trade smiles. SAMUEL I guess he did teach me how to bike. And cook a hot dog. HELEN Some experiences are worth more than money. ALISON You’re right. Let’s put dad back in the coffin.
(CONTINUED)
24. CONTINUED: (6) All seven of them help lift the body back into the coffin. They all make disgusted faces as they maneuver around the erection. ELI Oh gross, it touched me! JACK Just imagine it’s bionic limb or something. Metal or wood. Wood. Haha.
JAY
They body thuds as it drops into the coffin. Good as new!
HELEN
She kisses Henry’s forehead. HELEN Goodnight, my love. The rest of them say their goodbyes. As they’re about to exit, a diverse family dressed in black enters. They look suspiciously like Henry. A woman steps forward WOMAN Is this the showing for Henry? He’d like to pay our respects. SAMUEL ...how did you know Henry? WOMAN (beginning to cry) I’m his lawyer. ELI (obvious and whispering to Samuel) Must’ve been a close lawyer. REGINA Did Henry happen to leave a will? Jack hits Regina in the shoulder.
(CONTINUED)
25. CONTINUED: (7) WOMAN Why would he? He didn’t believe in official documents. Or the government. He was a libertarian. BLACKOUT