Late Laughs

This morning [April 15], Donald Trump walked into the courthouse to face justice for his alleged illegal hush money payments to Stormy Daniels. This is a historic moment we will all tell our grandchildren about very carefully. [As an older gentleman] “Well, uh ... there was a president who met a special actress for, let’s say, grown-up movies at a celebrity golf event and invited her over for a play date because his wife was too busy to play ‘cause she had a new baby, and the actress gave him a friendly pat on the bottom with a magazine about money with his photo on it and then they shared a special unprotected hug. Then, he gave her a present so she wouldn’t tell anyone that his bathing suit area was shaped like Toad from Mario Kart.”

There’s interesting news from Connecticut, where two vultures that were feared to be dying were, in fact, just too drunk to fly. But the vultures did the right thing. Instead of flying drunk, they called an Ubird.

It is Day 2 [April 16] of Donald Trump’s Manhattan criminal trial. What many are calling “the trial of the feels like a century.” And as we watch the proceedings, we are reminded though the wheels of justice may turn slowly, eventually a panel of impartial citizen jurors will do the indispensable public service of listening to testimony about Donald Trump’s mushroom dong.

Complete the grid so each row, column and 3-by-3 box (in bold borders) contains every digit 1 to 9. For strategies on how to solve Sudoku, visit sudoku.org.uk.