RECYCLE – DON’T THROW, PASS IT AROUND LIKE VD.
“ Fear, deep rotting fear – they were infected by it, did you see? Fear is a sickness. It will crawl into the soul of everyone who engages it. It has tainted your peace already.. I did not raise you to see you with fear. Strike it from your heart, do not bring it into our village.” - Flint Sky (Apocalypto)
from the desk of
Hello, Readers, old and new, welcome! Without the intention, this issue become extra special. When the artists were asked to submit art for their ‘Worst Fear’ (nightmares, trauma, monsters, etc. from their past, present, and future), BDZ didn’t expect to get more than what they bargained for. They started to share their stories without being asked. They shared stories of fear, and personal thoughts regarding their fears, and as to why their pieces came to be. We decided to publish them for everyone to enjoy. Without further ado, here’s everyone’s worst fear, bundled nicely in this special edition. We did just turn 1, after all.
I AM MONSTER by Lionel Perez
Most Horrific They, "Those" Monsters, Beneath the bed, In the closet, Under the stairs, I was warned of all the dark corners in which they lurked, even the ones in the deep unknown crevices of the mind. I see, now. The destroyer, consumer, killer; Of hopes, of hearts, of dreams. For I was never told of He. The one that glares back at me. I dare not look, reflecting back, for I Am... ...Monster.
"My biggest fear isn't a robber breaking into my house. It’s not speaking publicly (although that is unnerving within itself ) and it sure isn't getting kidnapped. It’s waking up in the middle of the night to the realization that I am, in fact, a meal. Finding bugs crawling all over me and sucking me dry. My biggest fear is infestation - and not just any pesky rodent. Specifically, a bedbug infestation and the overwhelming despair that comes with it. In recent years, bedbugs have somehow made a comeback. Until my early twenties I had no idea what these things were or that they even existed. Once you have them, YOU ARE FUCKED. There’s no nice way to put it because, after all, a shit pile covered in glitter is still a shit pile. A bedbug will suck your blood undisturbed for approximately 10 minutes before it’s full. It will have its share of breakfast lunch and dinner. After a bug feasts, it can go up to a year without eating again but they do continue if food is readily available. They are attracted to the warmth of your bed or couch and the carbon dioxide that we exhale. Not only are they resilient little shits, they multiply at a high rate. They vary in sizes. An adult bug will be easy to spot while a nymph is as small as this period( . ) Most of their activity is at night. One’s chances of finding and eradicating a bug after becoming a victim are slim to none. They are zombies. They spread just as quickly and can take over your home in a short period of time. They’re human parasites. Finding a cluster-fuck of these invertebrates will make you feel disgusted, nasty, paranoid, disturbed and hopeless. "
Article by: Eva Rivera “RED”
O V E R A R T I S T
One of Brain Damage Zine’s birthing mothers; issue 3 has the pleasure of featuring artist Lekit Im. In her work "Mind's Eye, Hearts Lie," she shares a dream she had after binge reading guro and horror mangas by Junji Ito and Suehiro Maruo. She explains that her work was inspired by how "their stories and illustrations always start off unnervingly normal, then the weirdness, the horror, creeps in. This is what scares me; there is always hidden chaos, danger, insanity, ready to derail your normalcy." Lekit's pieces are far from normal, boring or simple; each piece conveys a message or story in its own way. Lekit has a BFA Degree in Illustration, with a focus in entertainment art. She works digitally as well as traditionally, specializing in narrative storytelling, heroines, and feminine style with an edge.
Lekit's style is heavily influenced by her interest in horror and the "weirder side of things," as well as her Thai culture and its myths that revolve around death, reincarnation and ironic punishment which drew her to these influences. â&#x20AC;&#x153;OPHELEIAâ&#x20AC;?
When asked how she came to be an artist, Lekit began her career when she was in grade school; along with her twin sister, they would create murals all over their mothers' walls in Thailand. Lekit realized in the first grade that her talent was in demand among her classmates; she was selling drawings from five cents to a whole quarter for more detailed drawings referring to it as "Hustlin' in grade school! It's a free market right?"
Top to Bottom: Accordian Pieces, The Winter Lord, and Alice in Waterland.
Lekit's work consists of a traditional method where she sketches out her concepts,"I feel artistically constipated if I start digitally. Either way, I am still trying to perfect my method." Once she feels her sketch is complete, she incorporates a more modern take on her creative process by digitally refining her work while adding more details and adjusting the composition to her liking. With no intention to stop creating works of art, Lekit currently finds herself showcasing her work in galleries, contributing to different projects and recently creating some work for Sourpuss clothing which made her realize how much she enjoys seeing her work on clothing," I realized that I love seeing people wear my art! I'm just so flattered that they'd want to wear my stuff, in public, in front of people! It says something profound, doesn't it? Or not." The future is vivid for Lekit as she aspires to create more art that can be worn on accessories or clothing. You can find more info on Lekit's work at http://artbylekit.com, Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn and society 6. IMAGES IN THIS ARTICLE ARE AVAILABLE IN LEKITâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S WEBSITE FOR PRINT PURCHASE.
My friends like to tease me, they call me “Manny the Brawler” after I started a bar fight at our local watering hole. It wasn’t a fight where I had won, but one that I lost pretty badly. I don’t remember much about that night due to all the kicks to the head and consumption of the finest, cheapest spirits that watering hole had to offer. The next day was pretty clear, sitting on my couch watching Friday the 13th, my face swollen, I felt my perspective had changed a bit, I felt kind of indestructible, it didn’t matter that I couldn’t chew that week, or that I had to go the emergency room halfway through the movie. I had survived - tested in a way. Hemmingway once wrote, "Every man's life ends the same way. It is only the details of how he lived and how he died that distinguish one man from another." Although, what doesn’t kill you can leave you with a big fucking hospital bill - I was alright with that. Until the following days, where I overslept, and had reoccurring night terrors, where I am face to face with death in a big court room, and it's looking down at me, “I find you guilty of wasting your life” that fucker says. Some days I regret picking up a paint brush, struggling to get by. Other days, I’m satisfied with doing what I love - painting. Bukowski says, "Find something you love and let it kill you,” I say why not live within it forever. This painting represents my nightmare, staring at death….that blue eyed fuck.
I have thalassophobia; a fear of the deep, dark depths of the ocean, and the imaginary leviathans that live in it. To be exposed, slow, and unable to see brings up those feelings of primitive vulnerability that we all possess. With the fear comes fascination, and that is probably why I'm inspired by the Cthulhu mythos and deep sea creatures so much!
This one that I've done is an interpretation of a bad dream of me drowning. It's very traumatic for me coz I do not know how to swim (yes I know, I should learn how to). So every time I dream about drowning, It gives me a sense of great fear. It's always me drowning into a sea and when my body hits the surface of the water, it feels really painful like I fell into a pool of broken glass. And when my body finally sinks into the sea, I could feel like my soul rises up from my body painfully, leaving my body to sink as it escapes from it. At that moment, it almost feel like I am high, like I am floating and then another fear erupts. Fear of dying. And then I'd try to wake up but I'd be having the sleep paralysis which makes me feel trapped.
"Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray to God my soul to take. God bless Mommy and God bless Daddy.
Amen It was the same prayer
Lilith recited every night since she was able to speak. She would kneel beside her bed next to her mother and say those words aloud so that God could hear. Her mother would tuck her under her covers, kiss her on the forehead, turn off the lights, and shut the door as she walked out. Lilith would
be left alone in the dark with the prayer ringing in her ears as she tried as hard
as she could to fall sleep before he came. The minutes would tick by slowly. The fear would mount and make it nearly impossible to sleep. Some nights it would be hours before she heard his footsteps, other nights it would just feel like hours. Either way, he would always come. She squeezed her eyes tight, as she always did, and let her mind drift off to her happy place as she waited.
Unicorns, pixies, lush landscapes, and worlds only real in dreams danced in her head. She lost herself in thoughts that carried her further and further away from her body. As she floated in open spaces enjoying her freedom, she was jarred back to reality by a heaviness on top of her. Her eyes flew open and she tried to breath but the weight inhibited her gasps for air. This time was not like the others. This time he was mad. He pried open her legs with his hips as he pinned her arms across her chest letting the bulk of his 6 ft. tall 200 lb. frame press down upon her. She wanted to scream but couldn't fill her lungs with enough oxygen to do so. She heard him laugh as her short breaths gave way to panic and tears. "My evil little Lilith. You were named well." he whispered into her ear, his southern drawl oozing like molasses.
"I heard about your conference with your teacher today. Naughty girl, such lies you tell." he continued maliciously. He looked into her eyes, grinning. "You
know what the Lord tells us about honoring thy father, don't you?" She nodded, unable to
make a sound. "Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s my girl." he said then removed one of his hands from her wrists in order to unzip his pants as he inched closer to her now unblocked pelvis. The lessening weight freed her lungs so that she could finally inhale more deeply. In that instant her mind flashed back through years spent in church listening to her Southern Baptist minister father preach to his congregation about family values and love. Years of her mother leading the choir in rounds of "How Great Thou Art" and "Amazing Grace". Lilith flashed upon her meeting with her homeroom teacher earlier that day where she told Mrs. Michaels everything in hopes of being saved from her nightmare, but instead, being berated for spreading such lies about an upstanding pillar of the community.
Finally, her mind flashed to the first time he snuck into her room late at night after her bedtime prayer. The disgusted look on her mother's face when she raced in after hearing her daughter's screams for help. Her father laughing as her mother shut the door when she turned and walked away. Something inside Lilith snapped. One way or another tonight would be the last time. He one-handedly struggled with his belt buckle. His generous belly spilled over the edge of his pants preventing the easy access he so desired. The exertion caused sweat to drip down his nose and onto Lilith's face. He pulled and prodded but couldn't get his belt to budge. Exasperated, he pushed himself up on his knees with both hands in order to gain better access, releasing his hold on his daughter in the process.
This was her chance.
Illustrated by: Ryan Laughlin
She grabbed the only heavy object within her reach, the hardcover King James Bible given to her as a gift after her Baptism that sat on her night stand. Swinging with as much strength as her 14 year old arms could produce, she hit him. The sudden blow rocked him on his knees. She scuttled to her feet and hit him again as hard as she could. This time the shot knocked him backwards and onto the hardwood floor. The crunch of all 200 lbs. landing on his fragile neck as he tumbled end over end rang out like an alarm. Within minutes her mother was running into Lilith's bedroom. The shock on her mother's face was the first pure joy Lilith could ever remember experiencing in the company of her parents. Without a second thought, Lilith aimed her Bible at her mother's face with as much force as she could muster. It was enough to knock her down. Lilith stood over her mother's dazed torso. "What are you doing, Lilith?" she wailed from her prone position, blood dribbling from her nose. Lilith smirked, "I'm honoring my father and mother." She drank in the fear that filled her mother's eyes as she lifted the Bible above her head and crashed it down upon her mother's face over and over again until there were no recognizable features left and blood pooled around her feet. she sighed then called 911.
Your worst nightmareâ&#x20AC;Ś
Models: Betoh Manzo & Edgar Torres
Many of us think of sleep as a peaceful and ethereal place to escape the realities of life however, that's not always the case. Dark things hide within plain sight and wait for us to lay our weary heads before they show themselves and by that time, its already too late. Pulling the sheets over your head wont help because they have already taken hold of you. Maybe this is what people experience before they die in their sleep but who knows? Sleep tight.
The view at the top is beautiful; but its a long way down, so hold on tight because once you feel your grasp loosen, there isn't anything to hold on to anymore; and you will have plenty of time to think about all the things you should've done all the while bracing yourself for the inevitable impact. hang in there.
Keep running, don't fall, keep your mind clear, and stay on the path because you'll need all the strength you can muster. we run and hide from things, sometimes even going as far as taking drugs and alcohol to keep the demons away but they are always within arms reach waiting to take you. Some things you just cant out run, so you just die tired.
Always in a rush, always on the go. sometimes we race through life trying to get where we have to be without realizing that sometimes the destination isn't always where we want to go and if we refuse to move, that final destination will come to us.
Drowningâ&#x20AC;Ś It only take a fraction of a second to die but its waiting to die that seems to take an eternity. you can fight it all you want but once the current has taken hold of you, you no longer have any say in the matter. so just keep pretending you're going to be fine and something will save you as you are taken down slowly into the void.
• The Quadriplegic As an artist I have an appreciation for symbols. Symbols transfer information at an accelerated rate which is where my fondness comes from. As for my painting, I’d like to transfer an experience. At times, my art can be described as esoteric illustrations of my soul and sometimes they’re fickle illusions that are absurd; either way they display something to provoke thought. The Quadriplegic is full of symbols that represent real fears I have, such as the pyramid, eyes, and a skull. All these symbols are truths I’ve encountered in my life time. This Dimension drifting entity has no permanent limbs hence the title of the piece. The stomach is a digestive organ; and in this painting, it regurgitates knowledge which is something I fear because ignorance is evil. Ironically, western civilization’s long overused and clichéd proverb “ignorance is bliss” is well known and promoted too often. The skull is held by its eye sockets, and the skull represents mortality. Death is enlightenment is my moniker on Instagram , hence the acronym tattoo on its neck. Lastly, the pyramid symbolizes the order that occurs in the universe. It’s a hierarchy that exist, whether you see it or don’t, which is why it’s translucent. Ultimately, being alone is what I fear; but like all truths, it’s something to embrace.
Acid Study #1
This is a study of an experience I had when I was younger. It’s the human mind on lysergic acid diethylamide. As you enter psychosis the transformation can be overwhelmingly profound. There’s nothing scarier than not being in control of your reality. I remember feeling like I was unable to express myself almost like I was in shock. It’s weird because it was all out of a sudden that I had a surge of ideas like my thoughts had thoughts. Mostly, I remember thinking about cubes and boxes and how these platonic solids surround me more than any other. Perplexed, sweaty and numb, my mind fell in and out of reality. I couldn’t decipher between my wake and sleep state, I felt detached and separate from myself. I slowly hovered above my body like I was watching myself through someone else’s eyes and began drifting through walls just to see if anyone was watching.
I'm afraid of losing you Everyone I know has a fear, be it a typical fear of spiders or an altogether out of this world fear of cereal. It may be even something you never thought you feared. For the longest time I thought my biggest fears were dinosaurs, cockroaches, and losing my daughter. The first definition for fear on dictionary.reference.com states that fear is a "distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid." This summer I had no idea I'd be facing the exact definition of fear in my personal life. Up until June 2014 I was happily married to my best friend, we had a daughter together and what seemed a very normal and happy life. Sure marriage isn't always sunshine and rainbows but that's life we're human and go through shit on a daily basis and it effects everyone around us but as a couple you deal with it together and move forward. I never knew what it was to be happy until I met my best friend/ husband so life with him had been amazing for eight years. Then something changed, I found myself alone a lot. As a married person you don't think you'll ever feel lonely again but there I was feeling lonely and unwanted. By Mid July I could tell there was something wrong, my husband wasn't treating me like he used to. Like any human being that's put in a corner I started to wonder what I did wrong to deserve this, was I an awful wife? So I worked harder at being the most devoted wife I could be but I continued to be pushed away. My husband finally asked me if we could take a break to which I replied "hell to the no," I'm a firm believer in there not being any games played. You're either married to someone or you're not. I asked him if we could try to make things better, see where everything went wrong to which he agreed. My summer consisted of the most lonely nights I have ever experienced, I was married and found myself a lone all the time. I realized I was anxious now and felt like an impending doom was always at my door. Needless to say the summer flew by and nothing changed, the more I loved him the more he pushed me away. I was running out of options and was afraid of what might happen next. We agreed to get through the holidays for our daughter and so that we could also enjoy one last holiday season together.
It didn't hit me until Thanksgiving but I finally knew what the impending doom was, I was afraid of losing my best friend. The one person in the world that could make me happy with just a warm hug was the one person I was about to lose and I felt like I was drowning. Every time we weren't together I knew deep inside that I'd lost another piece of him. When I married my husband I knew I loved him very much but now that he no longer wants to be by my side I know exactly how much I love him. I love him so much I manifested a fear of losing him. A week before Christmas fear knocked on my door and then let itself in. My husband finally told me that "it was over," he couldn't be around me and was just going to avoid me until Christmas and the New Year. My best friend, lover and companion in life was telling me that he couldn't pretend anymore, I had lost him. Now that I had finally faced my biggest fear I knew there was nothing scarier out there, this was it. I lost my friend and wasn't getting him back. I am constantly feeling a pain so deep within me from where his love for me used to overflow. I don't sleep anymore, I feel worthless and lost. My fear has crippled me and it's been a difficult journey back into a world where life seems so much better if you're happy. I wish I could go back to when I didn't know the fear of losing someone because it was their choice. The dark holds nothing but anxiety, sadness and loneliness now. Most days my daughter is what holds me together and most days I'm an emotional mess. I've let my fear get the best of me and am having a hard time bringing myself back. I lost him so what more is there to fear? I am sharing this fear because it is extremely personal and I feel that we all come across a fear so awful we feel as if there's no coming back from it, but I'm here telling you how I've faced one of my fears and I'm still alive. I may be a bit broken inside and am often weepy but I'm here. I'm still here to manifest more fears for myself because as long as we live we will always have something that scares us out of our own skin. I am a grown woman who had/has a fear of losing her best friend, someone get me a puppy stat!
Editors Note* This piece was omitted from the zine hardcover publish. Available on our website, and ezine only.
I know I shouldn’t be revealing this info, but these are the things that scare the shit out of me: 1.) Sharks and the Ocean 2.) Getting stabbed 3.) Cockroaches and the 4.) The Zombie Apocalypse. I would say more, but just read (re-read) Leka’s fears, for I too have Tala – something something phobia. Fuck the ocean, hail Cthulhu.
CONTRIBUTOR LINK LIST DANIEL IG: @DeathIsEnlightment RYAN LAUGHLIN Tumblr: deadlyseriousyall Email: email@example.com IG: @uunnddeeaadd NISAH IG: @UglyDooodles Shop: Society6.com/nisahpeaches HARBINGERR Website: www.Harbingerr.com IG, FB, & Twitter: ShadyHarbingerr Email: ShadyHarbingerr@yahoo.com
LEKA IM IG: @lekamikaze Etsy: www.etsy.com/shop/pixelbloodbath Website: www.pixelbloodbath.wix.com/home EVA RIVERA Blog: www.workedupsotextual.blogspot.com
LEKIT IG: @lekitlekit Shop: http://www.society6.com/Lekit Website: www.ArtByLekit.com MANUEL IG: @yu_rebel STARKADE IG: @Starkade MARJORIE IG: @Marjorie.Garcia DANIEL IG: @DeathIsEnlightment LIONEL IG: @ranarchista
RITZIE Website: www.bluecanvas.com/writz YESOH IG: @yes_oh
BLACKLETTER CALIGHRAPHY- ARTIST’S NAMES BY: GHETZ
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