Old Guy Fugitives

By Jim Drummond

Afew of us were sitting around the table at the old guy waterhole this week when one of the fellows gestured at the front door and incredulously asked, “What’s going on with him?” We all looked toward the entryway where he was pointing. One of our waterhole regulars was outside the doorway furtively scanning the parking lot. We could see that our friend was agitated about something. He was clad in a long dark trench coat instead of his normal Green Bay Packers jacket, and his back was nervously hunched. The trench coat collar was turned up to his ears. He had a Yankees baseball cap crushed tightly to the top of his head and was wearing large dark sunglasses with an extremely distressed expression. As he turned away from the parking lot, our friend opened the front door only a crack and slipped in sideways. He paused to visually search the room, left and right, then again. Finally, with hands shoved deeply into the trench coat pockets, he scurried to the old guy table. Before sitting, he again scanned the room. Finally, he sat down with a relieved sigh. All of us worriedly eyeballed the latecomer. Someone eventually inquired, “Why are you dressed as a secret agent? Are you moonlighting as a spy?” The chap glanced over his shoulder to assure that nobody else was listening, leaned toward the group, then whispered, “I’m

Jim Drummond is a retired banker and Bozeman native.

on the run today. I didn’t know where else to go so I came to the waterhole. I was hoping that one of you would sneak me out of here in the trunk of your car and find a place in your garage where I can hide. If you can’t do that, then take me to the mall. If I walk back and forth I will look like any other old guy following Docs orders and I won’t stand out.” Somebody else asked, “Who’s coming after you? Our friend responded, “I’m not sure. I keep getting text messages that an arrest warrant has been issued in my name. If I don’t put up bail then a paddy wagon will come to haul me away. I called their number to discuss it with an official, but he wouldn’t listen. He told me that I could stay out of cuffs if I buy $1000 in gift cards, then read him the card numbers. If I don’t provide gift card bail money, his goons are planning to get me. This morning I decided to pack my pajamas and make a break before the big guys arrive. I may hightail it to Mexico, or possibly Butte, where nobody can find me.” Someone asked, “Why don’t you just get the gift cards?” The first fellow responded, “I don’t know where to buy them.” Somebody part way down the table commented, “I had to learn about bail money payments last week. I received a call from a woman in Winnipeg who told me that officials were holding my grandson in jail. She said that he was being kept in chains in a windowless dungeon with nothing to eat except jailhouse rodents and spiders. She said that if I wire them $2000 that they would let him have gruel and water, and if I wire $5000 they would send him out on bail. It was a horrid story. I rushed to the bank to work on a wire transfer. The teller doing the paperwork asked me for my grandson’s name. I told her that I don’t have a grandson. She suggested that I not send the wire. I’m pleased that my mind is still sharp and I figured out that I was dealing with crooks.” One of the fellows looked over at the gent on the lam and commented, “I’ll bet your arrest warrant is just a scam. Nobody is going to put you in jail!” Our friend sat up a bit straighter and removed his dark glasses. He undid the top two buttons of the trench coat and set his baseball cap on the table. With a thoughtful expression he scratched the top of his head. Finally he commented, “I obviously need to figure out how to protect myself from disreputable scammers.” An old guy way down the table looked at our friend and responded, “Hand over twenty bucks and I’ll give you some suggestions.”

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INDEPENDENT LIVING | ASSISTED LIVING | RESPITE CARE Bozeman Health Hillcrest Senior Living sits atop and adjacent to Burke Park/Peets Hill, giving residents beautiful views of Bozeman and easy access to outdoor spaces and trails. With convenient proximity to Bozeman Health Deaconess Hospital and a warm sense of family among residents, call today to schedule your tour at Hillcrest Senior Living today.