Old guys and dancing

By Jim Drummond

The regulars were all convened at the old guy waterhole this week when we noticed that one of the fellows seemed abnormally quiet. He is usually much more vocal while contributing to the wisdom of the group. Somebody prodded him with an elbow, then asked,”Why the gloom today? Are you feeling alright?” Our friend looked around the table with tired and bloodshot eyes, then responded, “My wife wants me to dress in a costume and go to a Halloween party. Even worse, the party will have a band. She expects me to dance with her, and I haven’t danced in years. She tried to get me to a dance party last year. I hate to dance so I went out to the garage, put my right leg across a couple of sawhorses, then I broke it with a sledge. I’m reluctant to go through that pain again.” Somebody asked, “How did you explain a broken leg to your wife right before you were supposed to go dancing?” The fellow responded, “I told her that I fell off a ladder.” Somebody at the end of the table commented, “Dancing isn’t so bad. You just have to bend over a bit at the waist, then start tapping your foot to the beat of the band. Once your foot is keeping time with the music, you begin to move your hips a little to the left, then a touch to the right, and try to

Jim Drummond is a retired banker and Bozeman native.

feel the pulse of the drummer.” The dancing expert stood up and demonstrated moving his hips left, and right, then he sat down. Somebody else asked, “What do you do with your hands? They just seem to fl op around while your hips move.” Our dancing coach responded, “You put them over your head and vaguely wave them at the ceiling. It’s not hard at all.” He stood up again and moved his hips left, then right, all-thewhile waving his hands above his head. A few people on the far side of the waterhole tried not to stare at the old guy table. As our dancing friend sat back down, he commented, “It helps if you keep your eyes closed while you are moving your hips left, and right, and waving your hands. That allows you to pretend that nobody is looking at you. And when you get really good with your hips and your hands, you can start to sing along with the band. Wives love it when you sing along. It makes them believe that you are enjoying yourself and having fun.” An older gent down the table peered at our party-going friend, then inquired, “What kind of Halloween costume are you supposed to wear while you are moving your hips and waving your hands at the ceiling?” With a sorrowful groan, the worried fellow responded, “She’s found a Top Gun fl ight suit for me to wear, and a pilot’s helmet. When I left home she was busy stenciling ‘Maverick’ above the visor. I told her that I’m not shaped like a fi ghter pilot. She says that she’ll tell everyone the G- suit came pre-infl ated. I don’t know how I’m going to avoid the fi asco that’s waiting to happen.” Our dancing instructor was rubbing his chin in thought, then suggested, “What if I meet you in the men’s room and put on your costume? I could keep the visor down and everyone will think that it’s you out dancing with your wife. You could be a dancing star. My chief concern is that your wife might get frisky.” Our apprehensive friend responded, “Don’t worry. She won’t.” The oldest member of the group looked around the table, then offered his opinion, “There’s only one kind of dance that makes any sense to me.” Someone inquired, “Which one is it?” The old guy responded, “Avoidance.”

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