BY DAN SAVAGE Dear Dan: I’m committed to my where, the shit this woman is pulling male partner and he’s committed to me. would still be annoying, unsettling and (I’m a woman.) But we both understand totally bothersome. we need to flirt and that we will both And this shit should be disqualifying want to sleep with someone else at — meaning, your partner should’ve shut some point. We live together, we have a this woman down already. He should’ve dog and neither of us believes in martold this woman to knock it off and, if riage. We plan to purchase a house in she didn’t knock it off, he should’ve told the coming months. Here’s her to fuck the fuck off and the issue: he met a woman ROMAN ROBINSON blocked her number. If he at work. He’s not sexually tried to shut her down and attracted to her at all. She, she kept texting him, however, would love to DPRESSD, then I have to blow him. She’s in an wonder why he hasn’t he unhappy marriage and has blocked her number no friends. They already. Assuming he’s exchanged numbers when telling you the truth about my partner was transferred not being attracted to her and now she texts him — and it sounds like he is constantly. It doesn’t totally — he may have allowed bother me. But not only this to go on because he does she text him at all enjoys feeling desirable hours of the day and night, and/or he doesn’t want to but she continuously tells him he’s the hurt her feelings. If it’s the former, make hottest man she’s ever met. She sends it clear to your partner that you wouldn’t him nudes, which I’ve seen, and wants have a problem with him finding someto suck his “huge dick.” (It is huge.) But one else to swap flirty sext messages even though I know he’s not sexually with, so longs as it’s someone who can attracted to her, I’m still feeling threatsext in moderation and at appropriate ened. I have extremely low self-esteem times. If it’s the latter, DPRESSD, make right now and I’m struggling with depres- it clear to your partner that this shit is sion. I’m speaking with a therapist and hurting your feelings and, as his partner, I’m on meds. But the meds have made you expect him to prioritize your feelings me gain about 50 pounds, which doesn’t over his former coworker’s feelings. help with the depression. I get the need All that said, DPRESSD, even if the and desire to flirt. But right now I’m not thought of your partner going off to play confident enough to be OK with him with another woman didn’t make you being sexual with another person even if feel insecure, you wouldn’t want your it’s just texts. And I feel this way knowpartner getting blown by this particular ing he has no plans to be with her! He woman. Even if your partner has never continues to tell me he has no desire to said, “Don’t text me at all hours of the spend his life with anyone else but me. day and night,” that’s no excuse. No one Yet he’s suddenly hesitant to buy a wants their phone or their partner’s house. I guess I’m asking WTF should I phone blowing up at 3 a.m.; that’s not a do? boundary anyone should have to articu—Dinging Phone Really late to set and, articulated or not, no one Exacerbating Semi-Serious Depression with any common sense would do that. (And, holy crap, if this is how this Dear DPRESSD: You say it doesn’t woman behaves in pursuit of your partbother you — it doesn’t totally bother ner’s big cock, how is she gonna behave you — that this woman texts your partafter she gets a taste?) ner day and night, DPRESSD, which As for the house issue, DPRESSD, strikes me as odd. Because that shit press your partner to clarify his sudden would drive me up the wall. Blowing up hesitancy. It may have nothing to do with someone’s phone at all hours of the day your relationship; it’s entirely possible and night screams “I HAVE NO that he’s freaked out by the state of the BOUNDARIES! I AM INCAPABLE OF world — because, my God, who isn’t? BEING CONSIDERATE! I HAVE NO — and he’s having second thoughts SELF CONTROL!” Even if you were in a about sinking his savings into a house. place where you felt better about your Depression often puts the worst possible partner getting some attention elsespin on things; it can lead us to reject a BOULDER COUNTY’S INDEPENDENT VOICE
I
calming truth someone is telling us in favor of an alarming lie we’re telling ourselves. Don’t fall into that trap. And finally, DPRESSD, please talk to your doctor about switching out your meds. If weight gain is a side effect of the ones you’re on now and weight gain is making you more depressed, then it doesn’t make sense to keep treating your depression with the meds you’re on now. A different med might give you the same benefits without this particular side effect. Dear Dan: I’ve been dating someone long distance for seven months. I’ve been transparent about my need for an open relationship. Recently this gentleman asked me to tell him if I slept with someone else. I agreed because I’m not sleeping with anyone at the moment due to COVID-19. But since March, I’ve been having phone sex with a long-term booty call who lives across the country. Neither knows about the other and neither one knows I’m bisexual. No big deal, right? I’m a first responder in a male-dominated field and I put up with enough bullshit without the men in my life knowing I eat pussy. How much of an asshole am I for not disclosing what I don’t need to? —Not Banging (Other) Dudes Dear NBOD: You’re being an asshole — to yourself. Hiding your bisexuality from the men you’re dating increases your odds of winding up in a relationship with someone who judges, shames or hates you for being bisexual, NBOD, and why on earth would you want to do that to yourself? Disclosing your bisexuality ups yours odds of attracting a guy who fetishizes your bisexuality, of course, but it’s easier to weed those guys out early than it is to leave (or divorce) some guy who reveals himself to be biphobic after you’ve made a huge emotional investment in him. As for the phone sex... you should disclose that too. If Mr. Seven Months can’t handle you having phone sex with some other guy, NBOD, he certainly won’t be able to handle you sleeping with someone else. And if he can’t handle that, he’s not the right guy for a woman who wants/needs/ requires an open relationship. Send questions to mail@savagelove. net, follow Dan on Twitter @fakedansavage and visit ITMFA.org. JUNE 25, 2020
Adam Sloat Broker/Owner
Your Boulder Real Estate Expert and Music Guy
Q&A BUYER ADVICE FROM A LOCAL HOME INSPECTOR, MY GO-TO GUY CHUCK Question: Hey Chuck, what advice would you give buyers before going through their first home inspection?
Answer: Yes, we are going to talk about anything major or safety issues in the home. But we are also going to talk about many, many smaller items. This is common - and having a great agent like Adam is immensely helpful when determining what is most significant when considering your home ownership goals.” – Chuck Bohall, A-Pro Home Inspections
720-466-8212 adam@adamsloat.com www.westwaterrealty.com I
21
