SAVAGE LOVE BY DAN SAVAGE
Iâve been going to the same barber (a woman) for almost eight years now. We always have nice heart-to-heart conversations, and Iâve loaned her money in the past (single mom). Sheâs called to ask for advice on some life stuff a couple of times. Sheâs also asked me about my dating life, my kid, work, etc. My concern is if I was to ask her out, it would most likely make things awkward, and I donât want to lose her as my barber. I have risked dropping innuendos now and again, but sheâs never picked up on them. She says nice and courteous things, which make me feel good, but I understand this part of customer service. But Iâm not sure itâs only that. â Joe Haircut Itâs only that. Women in service professions who rely on tips will sometimes share stories about disastrous dates, shitty exes and heartbreaks with male clients not to signal romantic interest, JH, but to signal romantic disinterest. Which is not to say she doesnât like you or doesnât consider you a friend. She clearly does. But donât confuse choosing to ignore your innuendos for failing to pick up on them. As dick-havers, JH, we have to be on our guard against motivated reasoning, AKA âdickful thinking,â and this is definitely a case of motivated reasoning.
Iâm involved with a married man. Theyâre basically separated yet live under the same roof. But my lover is really scared that he might lose custody in a divorce. Once their kid (a teenager) goes to college, he wants to separate/divorce. I expect to really be with him after all this, but I do want to help him get through this transition period. Iâve discussed ENM with him, but I canât force him to tell her. What can he say or do to end the marriage in an ethical and kind way? â Yet Another Other Woman All you know is what heâs told you. Iâm not suggesting â as others would â that you canât believe a single thing this man says because heâs cheating on his wife. Men who have affairs are seen as bad guys â even when theyâre not cheating their wives out of anything their wives want â and he may be making his marriage sound more dysfunctional than it actually is to elicit your sympathy (and your pussy), YAOW. If your lover is planning to file for divorce once his kid is in college, and his kid is already a teenager, well, then the end (of this marriage) is nigh. (Assuming he means it; that could be another line heâs feeding you.) If youâre comfortable fucking a married man, go ahead and fuck this guy. But just as he shouldnât make his marriage sound worse than it actually is to rationalize or justify the morally ambiguous choice heâs made (fucking you), you donât need to talk him into broaching the subject of ENM with his wife and/or ending his marriage to rationalize or justify the morally ambiguous choice youâve made (fucking him).
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BOULDER WEEKLY
NOVEMBER 30, 2023
25
