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THE
MUDFOG
PAPERS,
ETC.
EY
CHARLES DICKENS, AUTHOR OF "THE PICKWICK PAPERS,"
ETC.
NOW FIRST COLLECTED.
LONDON
:
RICHARD BENTLEY AND |tablisfyers
in ©rbittarg 10 fjtx Pajeaig i\t
{All rights reserved.)
SON, %wtm*
The
little
volume
were written by Charles Dickens
for the
papers contained in this
numbers of
early
The
"
Bentley's
Miscellany."
manuscripts of the two meetings of the of " Mr.
Mudfog
Association, and
Bolton,
the gentleman connected
Press/' in
my
with the
possession, are covered with
corrections, erasures,
time Charles
Robert
and additions.
Dickens wrote a
At
freer
that
and
bolder hand than he came to write in later years,
and
these
manuscripts
decipherable.
765936
are
easily
IV
Something perhaps of the comparative freedom of the handwriting of these sketches,
when "
set
by the side of the manuscript of
Our Mutual
quill pen,
of that
Friend,"
may be owing
with whose exit has gone out
free
and
graceful
to the
much
penmanship of
which Mr. Lupton reminds us that Thomas
Tomkins, of
Paul's School,
St.
was so un-
rivalled a teacher.
GEORGE BENTLEY.
New Burlington July 26th,
Street,
PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE, ONCE MAYOR OF MUDFOG.
Mudfog
is
a pleasant town
— situated pleasant town by the
in
side of a river, from
—a
remarkably
a charming hollow
which
river,
Mud-
fog derives an agreeable scent of pitch,
tar,
and rope-yarn, a roving population in oil-skin hats, a pretty steady influx of drunken coals,
bargemen, and a great many other maritime advantages. There is a good deal of water about Mudfog, and yet it is not exactly the sort of town for a watering-place, either.
Water
is
a perverse sort of element at the
best of times, and in larly so.
In winter,
Mudfog it
it
is
particu-
comes oozing down I
Public Life of
2
Mr. Tulrumble.
the streets and tumbling over the
fields,
—nay,
rushes, into the very cellars
and kitchens of
a lavish
prodigality that
the
houses,
-.villi
might well be dispensed with but in the hot summer weather it will dry up, and turn ;
green
:
and, although green
colour in
its
way, especially
is
a very good
in grass, still
it
and
it
not becoming to water cannot be denied that the beauty of is
certainly
is
;
Mudfog
rather impaired, even by this trifling
cumstance. healthy
;
Mudfog
is
a healthy place
cir-
— very
— damp, perhaps, but none the worse
for that.
It's
quite a mistake to suppose that
damp is unwholesome plants thrive best in damp situations, and why shouldn't men ? The inhabitants of Mudfog are unanimous in :
asserting that there exists not a finer race of
people on the face of the earth here we have an indisputable and veracious contra;
diction
of the
admitting state that
vulgar error at once.
Mudfog it is
to
So,
be damp, we distinctly
salubrious.
Public Life of Mr. Tulrutnble.
The town
of
Mudfog
is
Limehouse and
turesque.
3
extremely pic-
Ratcliff
Highway
but they give you There are a a very faint idea of Mudfog.
are both something like
great
many more
more than
in
public-houses in
We
are very imposing.
town-hall
one
of the
and the
simplicity of
passing beauty.
window on one
its
There
it is
design
is
orders
;
of sur-
idea of placing a large
side
small one on the other, is
:
consider the
tea-garden-box,
The
—
specimens of a combination
finest
shed architecture, extant of the pig-sty and
Mudfog
Highway and LimeThe public buildings,
Ratcliff
house put together. too,
it,
the
of is
door,
and a
particularly happy.
a fine bold Doric beauty, too, about
the padlock and scraper, which
is
strictly in
keeping with the general effect. In this room do the mayor and corporation of Mudfog assemble together in solemn council for the public weal.
massive
Seated on the
wooden benches, which, with the
Public Life of Mr. Titlrumble.
4
table in the centre, form the only furniture of
the whitewashed apartment, the sage
men
of
Mudfog spend hour after hour in grave deliberation. Here they settle at what hour of the night the public-houses shall be closed, at
what hour of the morning they
permitted to open, ful for
how soon
it
shall
shall
be
be law-
people to eat their dinner on church
and other great political questions and sometimes, long after silence has fallen on the town, and the distant lights from the shops days,
;
and houses have ceased
to twinkle, like far-
off stars, to the sight of the
boatmen on the
river,
the illumination in the two unequal-
sized
windows of the
inhabitants of
Mudfog
town-hall, warns the that
its
little
body
of
a larger and better-known body of the same genus, a great deal more noisy, and not a whit more profound, are
legislators, like
patriotically dozing
away
in
company,
far
into the night, for their country's good.
Among
this
knot of sage and learned
Public Life of Mr. Tulrumble.
5
men, no one was so eminently distinguished, during
many
years, for the quiet
modesty of
appearance and demeanour, as Nicholas Tulrumble, the well-known coal-dealer. How-
his
ever exciting the subject of discussion, however animated the tone of the debate, or
however warm the
personalities exchanged,
(and even in Mudfog we get personal sometimes,) Nicholas Tulrumble was always the
same.
To
say truth,
Nicholas,
being
an
and always up betimes, was asleep when a debate began, and
industrious man,
apt to
fall
remain asleep till it was over, when he would wake up very much refreshed, and to
give his vote with the greatest complacency.
The
fact was, that
Nicholas Tulrumble, know-
ing that everybody there had made up his mind beforehand, considered the talking as just a long botheration about nothing at all
and
to the present
whether, on
hour
it
;
remains a question,
this point at all events, Nicholas
Tulrumble was not pretty near
right.
Public Life of Mr. Tulrumble.
6
Time, which strews a man's head with silver, sometimes fills his pockets with gold. As he gradually performed one good office for
Nicholas Tulrumble,
enough,
began
not to
he
was obliging
omit the other.
Nicholas
a wooden tenement of four feet
life in
and ninepence, trade of three bushels and
square, with a capital of two
and a stock
in
a-half of coals, exclusive of the large
lump
which hung, by way of sign-board, outside. Then he enlarged the shed, and kept a truck; then he
left
the shed, and the truck too, and
donkey and a Mrs. Tulrumble then he moved again and set up a cart the cart
started a
;
;
was soon afterwards exchanged for a waggon and so he went on like his great predecessor
;
Whittington
— only without a cat
— increasing
in
for a partner
wealth and fame, until at
last
he gave up business altogether, and retired with Mrs. Tulrumble and family to Mudfog Hall, which he had himself erected, on something which he attempted to delude himself
Public Life of Mr. Tulrumble. into the belief
was a
hill,
7
about a quarter of
a mile distant from the town of Mudfog.
About in
this time,
that
Mudfog
it
to
began
be murmured
Nicholas Tulrumble was
growing vain and haughty that prosperity and success had corrupted the simplicity of ;
and tainted the natural goodness heart in short, that he was setting up
his manners,
of his
;
and a great gentleman, look down upon his old com-
for a public character,
and
affected to
panions
compassion and contempt. these reports were at the time
with
Whether
well-founded, or not, certain
it
is
Mrs.
that
Tulrumble very shortly afterwards started a four-wheel chaise, driven by a
—that
tall
postilion in
Mr. Tulrumble junior took to smoking cigars, and calling the footman a " feller/' and that Mr. Tulrumble a yellow
cap,
—
from that time
forth,
was no more seen
in his
old seat in the chimney-corner of the Lighter-
man's
Arms
more than
at night.
this, it
This looked bad
began
to
;
but,
be observed that
Public Life of Mr. Tulrumble.
8
Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble attended the
cor-
more frequently than hereand he no longer went to sleep as he
poration meetings tofore
;
had done
for so
many
eyelids open with his
years, but
two
propped
fore-fingers
;
read the newspapers by himself at
and that he was
that he
home
;
indulging
and mysterious allusions to masses of people," and " the property of
abroad "
in the habit of
his
in distant
" the country,'' and productive power," and
"
the
monied
"
interest
:
all
of which denoted
and proved that Nicholas Tulrumble was either mad, or worse and it puzzled the good ;
people of
At
Mudfog amazingly.
length, about the middle of the
month
of October, Mr. Tulrumble and family
up
to
London
as Mrs. in
;
went
the middle of October being,
Tulrumble informed her acquaintance
Mudfog, the very height of the fashionable
season.
Somehow
or other, just about this time,
despite the health-preserving air of Mudfog,
Public Life of Mr. Tulrumble. the
Mayor
was a most extraordinary he had lived in Mudfog for
died.
circumstance eighty-five
;
It
The
years.
understand
it
difficulty that
9
corporation
didn't
was with great one old gentleman, who was
at all
indeed
;
it
a great stickler for forms, was dissuaded from
proposing a vote of censure on such unac-
Strange as it was, howwithout taking the slightest
countable conduct. ever, die
he
did,
notice of the corporation
were imperatively successor.
;
called
So, they
met
and the corporation
upon for
to elect his
the purpose
;
and being very full of Nicholas Tulrumble just then, and Nicholas Tulrumble being a very important man, they elected him, and wrote off to London by the very next post to acquaint Nicholas Tulrumble with his new elevation.
Now,
it
being
November
time,
and Mr.
Nicholas Tulrumble being in the capital, it fell out that he was present at the Lord
Mayors show and
dinner, at sight of the
Public Life of
io
Mr. Tulrumble.
glory and splendour whereof, he, Mr. Tul-
was greatly mortified, inasmuch as the reflection would force itself on his mind, rumble,
that,
had he been born
in
London
instead of
Mudfog, he might have been a Lord Mayor too, and have patronized the judges, and been in
Lord Chancellor, and friendly with the Premier, and coldly condescending
affable to the
to the Secretary to the Treasury,
and have
dined with a flag behind his back, and done a great many other acts and deeds which
Lord Mayors of London peculiarly The more he thought of the appertain. unto
Lord Mayor, the more enviable a personage he seemed. To be a King was all very well;
King to the Lord Mayor King made a speech, everybody
but what was the
When knew
the
!
was somebody else's writing; whereas here was the Lord Mayor, talking away for it
half an hour
—
all
out of his
own head
— amidst
the enthusiastic applause of the whole com-
pany, while
it
was notorious that the King
Public Life of Mr. TiUrttmble.
might
talk to his parliament
till
1 1
he was black
without getting so much as a single As all these reflections passed through
in the face
cheer.
mind of Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble, the Lord Mayor of London appeared to him the
the
greatest sovereign on the face of the earth,
beating the Emperor of Russia
all
to nothing,
and leaving the Great Mogul immeasurably behind.
Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble was pondering over these things, and inwardly cursing the fate
which had pitched
fog,
when
Mud-
the letter of the corporation was put
into his hand. his face as
his coal-shed in
A
crimson flush mantled over
he read
it,
for visions of brightness
were already dancing before his imagination. My dear," said Mr. Tulrumble to his 11
wife,
"
they have elected me,
Mayor
of
Mud-
fog." " "
n
Lor-a-mussy
!
said
Mrs.
Tulrumble
:
"
why what's become of old Sniggs ? " The late Mr. Sniggs, Mrs. Tulrumble,
,,
Public Life of Mr. Tulrumble.
12
Mr. Tulrumble sharply, for he by no
said
means approved of the notion of unceremoniously designating a gentleman the high office of Mayor, as
—
"
The
late
"
who
filled
Old Sniggs,"
Mr. Sniggs, Mrs. Tulrumble,
is
dead."
The communication was very unexpected
;
but Mrs. Tulrumble only ejaculated " Lor-a" once again, as if a Mayor were a mussy !
"mere ordinary Christian, at which Mr. Tul-
rumble frowned gloomily. "
said
What
a pity
"
'tan't in
London,
ain't
it ?
Mrs. Tulrumble, after a short pause
;
"
what a pity 'tan t in London, where you might have had a show." "
I
might have a show
in
Mudfog, if I apprehend," said Mr. Tul-
thought proper, I rumble mysteriously. "
Lor
!
so you might,
I
declare,"
replied
Mrs. Tulrumble.
"And rumble.
a good one too," said Mr. Tul-
Public Life of Mr. Tulrumble. "
"
Delightful
Mrs.
exclaimed
!
1
3
Tul-
rumble. "
One which would rather astonish the Tulignorant people down there/' said Mr. rumble. 11
It
would
kill
them with envy,"
said Mrs.
Tulrumble.
So
was agreed that his Majesty's lieges in Mudfog should be astonished with splendour, and slaughtered with envy, and that' it
such a show should take place as had never been seen in that town, or in any other town before,
On the
— no, not even
in
London
itself.
the very next day after the receipt of
down came
letter,
post-chaise,
but inside
— not
the
tall
postilion in a
upon one of the horses,
— actually
inside the chaise,
—and,
driving up to the very door of the town-hall,
where the corporation were assembled, delivered a letter, written by the Lord knows who, and signed by Nicholas Tulrumble, in which Nicholas said, all through four sides of
Public Life of Mr. Tulrumble.
14
closely-written, gilt-edged, hot-pressed,
Bath
post letter paper, that he responded to the of his fellow-townsmen with feelings of
call
he accepted the arduous which their confidence had imposed
heartfelt delight; that office
upon him
that they
;
would never
him
find
shrinking from the discharge of his duty that he would endeavour tions with
all
that dignity which their magni-
tude and importance demanded
more not
to the
all.
same
The
;
to execute his func-
tall
effect.
postilion
and a great But even this was ;
produced from
his
right-hand top-boot, a damp copy of that afternoons number of the county paper and ;
running the whole length column, was a long address
there, in large type,
of the very
first
from Nicholas Tulrumble to the inhabitants of Mudfog, in which he said that he cheer-
complied with their requisition, and, in short, as if to prevent any mistake about the
fully
them over again what a grand fellow he meant to be, in very much the same
matter, told
Public Life of Mr. Tulrumble.
terms as those
them
in
which he had already told
about the matter in his
all
The
corporation stared
very hard at
all
this,
at
letter.
one another
and then looked as
for explanation to the tall postilion, tall
postilion
was
15
if
but as the
intently contemplating the
gold tassel on the top of his yellow cap, and could have afforded no explanation whatever,
even
if
his thoughts
engaged,
had been
they contented
entirely dis-
themselves with
coughing very dubiously, and looking very The tall postilion then delivered grave. another
letter, in
which Nicholas Tulrumble
informed the corporation, that he intended repairing to the town-hall, in grand state and
gorgeous procession, on the Monday afternoon next ensuing. At this the corporation looked
still
more solemn
wound up with
;
a formal
but, as the epistle
invitation
to
the
whole body to dine with the Mayor on that day, at
Mudfog
they began
Hall,
Mudfog
Hill,
Mudfog,
to see the fun of the thing directly,
1
Public Life of Mr. Tulrumble.
6
and sent back
their compliments,
and they'd
be sure to come.
Now somehow in
there happened to be in Mudfog, as or other there does happen to be,
almost every town
and perhaps
in
the British dominions,
in foreign
dominions too
—we
very likely, but, being no great there haptraveller, cannot distinctly say pened to be, in Mudfog, a merry-tempered,
think
it
—
pleasant-faced, good-for-nothing sort of vaga-
bond,
with an invincible dislike to manual
and an unconquerable attachment to strong beer and spirits, whom everybody knew, and nobody, except his wife, took the labour,
trouble to quarrel with, his
ancestors
the
who
inherited from
appellation
of
Edward
Twigger, and rejoiced in the sobriquet of Bottle-nosed Ned. He was drunk upon the average once a day, and penitent upon an and equally fair calculation once a month ;
when he was the very last
he was invariably in stage of maudlin intoxication.
penitent,
Public Life of Mr. Ttilrumble.
17
He
was a ragged, roving, roaring kind of fellow, wi$i a burly form, a sharp wit, and a ready head, and could turn his hand to anything when he chose to do it. He was by no
means opposed to hard labour on principle, for he would work away at a cricket-match
—
by the day together, running, and catching, and batting, and bowling, and revelling in
He which would exhaust a galley-slave. would have been invaluable to a fire-office
toil
;
never was a
man
for
engines, running
pumping
with such a natural taste
up
ladders,
and
throwing furniture out of two-pair-of-stairs windows nor was this the only element in which he was at home he was a humane :
;
society in himself, a portable drag,
an animated
and had saved more people, from drowning, than the Plymouth
life-preserver, in his time, life-boat,
With his
all
or
Captain
dissipation,
general
Manby's
apparatus.
these qualifications, notwithstanding
favourite
Bottle-nosed ;
and the
Ned was authorities
a of
1
8
Ptiblic Life
of Mr. Tulrumble.
Mudfog, remembering
his
to the population, allowed
numerous services
him
in
return to
get drunk in his own way, without the fear of stocks, fine, or imprisonment. He had a general licence, and he showed his sense of
the compliment by making the most of
it.
We have
been thus particular in describing the Character and avocations of Bottle-nosed
Ned, because
it
enables us to introduce a fact
without hauling it into the readers presence with indecent haste by the head and politely,
and brings us very naturally to relate, that on the very same evening on which Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble and family
shoulders,
Mudfog, Mr. Tulrumble's new just imported from London, with a
returned to secretary,
pale face and light whiskers, thrust his head down to the very bottom of his neckcloth-tie,
tap-room door of the Lighterman's Arms, and inquiring whether one Ned Twigger was luxuriating within, announced him-
in at the
self as the bearer of
a message from Nicholas
Public Life of Mr. Tulrumble.
19
Tulrumble, Esquire, requiring Mr. Twigger's immediate attendance at the hall, on private
and particular business. It being by no means Mr. Twigger's interest to affront the
Mayor, he rose from the fire-place with a slight sigh, and followed the light-whiskered secretary through the dirt and streets,
fog
up
to
Mudfog
wet of Mudwithout
Hall,
further ado.
Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble was seated
in
a
small cavern with a skylight, which he called
a plan of the procession on a large sheet of paper; and into the cavern the secretary ushered Ned his library, sketching out
Twigger. Nicholas Tul-
"Well, Twigger!" said rumble, condescendingly.
was
There would that
have
was
in
a
replied,
time
when
"Well,
Twigger Nick!" but
the days of the truck, and a
couple of years before the donkey only bowed.
;
so,
he
Public Life of Mr. Ttdrumble.
20 "
want you
I
to
go
into training,
Twigger,"
said Mr. Tulrumble. "
What
sir?" inquired Ned, with a
for,
stare. "
"
said the Mayor. Hush, hush, Twigger Shut the door, Mr. Jennings. Look here, !
"
Twigger."
As
the
closet,
high
said this, he unlocked a
Mayor
and disclosed a complete
suit of
brass armour, of gigantic dimensions. "
I
want you
to
wear
next Monday,
this
Twigger," said the "
Ned,
Mayor. Bless your heart and "
"
soul, sir
me
you might as well ask
replied
!
wear a
to
seventy-four pounder, or a cast-iron boiler." "
Nonsense, Twigger,
nonsense
" !
said
the Mayor. "
couldn't
I
Twigger of me, "
" ;
if 1
it
stand under
attempted
I
said
it."
"
Mayor.
sir,"
would make mashed potatoes
Pooh, pooh, "
it,
tell
Twigger you
I
!
returned the
have seen
it
done
Public Life of Mr, Tulrumble.
my own
with
eyes, in
wasn't half such a
21
London, and the man
man
as
you are, either." I should as soon have thought of a man's wearing the case of an eight-day "
clock
save
to
his
said
Twigger, brass the at a of look casting apprehension linen,"
suit.
"
the easiest thing in the world,"
It's
rejoined the Mayor. "
It's
nothing," said Mr. Jennings.
"When
you're used to
it,"
"
"
You do it by degrees," You would begin with one
added Ned.
said the
Mayor.
piece to-morrow,
and two the next day, and so on, till you had Mr. Jennings, give Twigger got it all on. a glass of rum.
Stay
Twigger.
;
Help me
first.
Stand as
Just try the breast-plate,
firm,
heavy as
take another glass of to
Twigger
lift !
There
so,
a
Mr. Jennings. !
—
it
isn't half
" it
looks,
is it ?
Twigger was a good after
it,
rum
great
deal
strong, stout fellow
of
;
staggering, he
Public Life of Mr. Tulrumble.
22
to
managed
breast-plate,
keep himself up, under the and even contrived, with the
aid of another glass of rum, to walk about in
and the gauntlets
it,
He made
trial
instantly,
Tulrumble
bargain.
of the helmet, but was not
successful,
equally
over
a
into the
—an
clearly
inasmuch as he tipped Mr. accident which
demonstrated to be occa-
sioned by his not having a counteracting
weight of brass on his "
Now, wear
and
I'll
make your
"Til try what "
legs.
with grace and pro-
on Monday next," said Tulrumble,
priety "
that
I
fortune."
can do,
sir,"
said Twigger.
must be kept a profound
It
secret,"
said Tulrumble. " "
Of
course,
sir,"
replied Twigger.
And you must
rumble
" ;
be sober," said Tul-
perfectly sober."
Mr. Twigger at once solemnly pledged himself to be as sober as a judge, and Nicholas Tulrumble was
satisfied,
although,
Public Life of Mr. Tulrumble.
23
had we been Nicholas, we should certainly have exacted some promise of a more specific nature
inasmuch
;
assizes in
Mudfog once,
we
having attended the the evening more than
as,
can solemnly testify to having seen
judges with very strong symptoms of dinner under their wigs. However, that's neither here nor there.
The
next day, and the day following, and
the day after that,
Ned Twigger was
securely
locked up in the small cavern with the skyWith light, hard at work at the armour.
every additional piece he could manage to stand upright in, he had an additional glass of
rum
;
and
in
it,
and
many
partial
suf-
he contrived to get on the whole
focations, suit,
at last, after
up and down the room an intoxicated effigy from West-
to stagger
like
minster Abbey.
Never was man so delighted as Nicholas Tulrumble never was woman so charmed as ;
Nicholas Tulrumble's
wife.
Here was a
Public Life of Mr. Tulrumble.
24
sight for the live
man
common
in brass
people of
armour
go wild with wonder
Mudfog
Why,
!
!
A
they would
!
The day— the Monday — arrived.
morning had been made to order, couldn't have been better adapted to the If the
it
They never showed
purpose. in
London on Lord Mayor's
a better fog
day, than en-
wrapped the town of Mudfog on that eventful occasion. It had risen slowly and surely from the green and stagnant water with the first light of morning, until it reached a little
above the lamp-post tops stopped, with a sleepy,
;
and there
it
had
sluggish obstinacy,
which bade defiance to the sun, who had got up very blood-shot about the eyes, as if he
had been
at a drinking-party over night,
and
work with .the worst
pos-
was doing
his day's
The
hung over All was the town like a huge gauze curtain. dim and dismal. The church steeples had
sible grace.
thick
damp
mist
bidden a temporary adieu to the world be-
Ptiblic
low
;
Life of Mr. Tulmmble.
and every object of
25
lesser importance
houses, barns, hedges, trees, and barges all
taken the
The
—
—had
veil.
church-clock struck one.
A cracked
trumpet from the front garden of Mudfog Hall produced a feeble flourish, as asthmatic person had coughed into dentally
;
the gate flew open, and out
some
if it
acci-
came
a
gentleman, on a moist-sugar coloured charger, intended to represent a herald, but bearing a
much
stronger resemblance to a court-card on
horseback. people, at that
This was one of
the
Circus
who always came down to Mudfog time of the year, and who had been
engaged by Nicholas Tulrumble expressly for the occasion. There was the horse, whisking his tail about, balancing himself on his hind-legs, and flourishing away with his fore-feet, in a
gone
manner which would have
and souls of any reasonBut a Mudfog crowd never was
to the hearts
able crowd.
a reasonable one, and in
all
probability never
Public Life of Mr. Tulrumble.
26
will be.
Instead of scattering the very fog
with their shouts, as they ought most indubitably to have done, and were fully intended to do,
by Nicholas Tulrumble, they no sooner
recognized the herald, than they began to growl forth the most unqualified disapprobation at the bare notion of his riding like
any other man. If he had come out on his head indeed, or jumping through a hoop, or flying through a red-hot drum, or even standing on one leg with his other foot in
mouth, they might have had something to say to him but for a professional gentlehis
;
man
to sit astride in the saddle, with his feet
was rather too good a joke. So, the herald was a decided failure, and the crowd hooted with great energy, as he in the stirrups,
pranced ingloriously away. On the procession came. to
say
how
We
are afraid
many supernumeraries
there
were, in striped shirts and black velvet caps, to imitate the London watermen, or how
Public Life of Mr. Tulrumble.
many base imitations how many banners,
27
of running-footmen, or
which,
owing
to
the
heaviness of the atmosphere, could by no
means be prevailed on to display their still less do we feel disposed scriptions :
how
in-
to
men who
played the wind instruments, looking up into the sky (we mean the fog) with musical fervour, walked relate
the
through pools of water and hillocks of mud, till they covered the powdered heads of the running-footmen aforesaid with splashes, that looked curious, but not ornamental or how ;
the barrel-organ performer put on the stop,
wrong
and played one tune while the band
or how the horses, being played another used to the arena, and not to the streets, ;
would stand
and dance, instead of going on and prancing all of which are matters which might be dilated upon to great still
—
;
advantage, but which
we have
not the least
intention of dilating upon, notwithstanding.
Oh
!
it
was a grand and
beautiful sight to
Public Life of Mr, Tulrumble,
28
behold a corporation in glass coaches, provided at the sole cost and charge of Nicholas
Tulrumble,
coming
rolling
along,
like
a
funeral out of mourning, and to watch the
attempts the corporation made to look great and solemn, when Nicholas Tulrumble himself,
in
the four-wheel chaise, with the rolled
postilion,
tall
Mr.
out after them, with
Jennings on one side to look like a chaplain, and a supernumerary on the other, with an old
sabre,
life-guardsman's
sword-bearer;
and
the
imitate
to see the tears rolling
down
the faces of the
with
merriment.
so was
to
mob
as they screamed
This was beautiful
and
!
the appearance of Mrs. Tulrumble
and son, as they bowed with grave dignity out of their coach-window to all the dirty were laughing around them but not even with this that we have to do,
faces that it is
:
but with the sudden stopping of the procession at another blast of the trumpet, whereat, and whereupon, a profound silence
Public Life of Mr. Tulrumble.
,
ensued, and
eyes were turned towards
all
confidant anticipation of
Mudfog Hall, in the some new wonder. "
29
They won't laugh now, Mr.
Jennings,"
said Nicholas Tulrumble. "
I
think not,
sir,"
said Mr. Jennings.
"
See how eager they look," said Nicholas " Aha the laugh will be on Tulrumble. !
our side "
No
now
eh,
;
ddubt of
Mr. Jennings
" ?
that, sir," replied
Mr. Jen-
nings; and Nicholas Tulrumble, in a state of pleasurable excitement, stood up in the four-
wheel
chaise,
and telegraphed
gratification to
the Mayoress behind.
While
all
this
was going forward, Ned
Twigger had descended
Mudfog Hall
for the
osity that
was
to burst
somehow
or other,
into the kitchen of
purpose of indulging the servants with a private view of the curi-
upon the town and, the footman was so com;
panionable, and the housemaid so kind, and
the cook so friendly, that he could not resist
Public Life of Mr. Tulrumble.
30
the offer of the first-mentioned to
and take something master So,
sit
down
—just to drink success
to
in.
down Ned Twigger
sat himself in his
brass livery on the top of the kitchen-table
and
in a
mug
;
of something strong, paid for
by the unconscious Nicholas Tulrumble, and provided by the companionable footman, drank success to the Mayor and his procession; and, as
Ned
laid
by
his
helmet to imbibe the
something strong, the companionable footman put it on his own head, to the immeasurable
and unrecordable delight of the cook and housemaid. The companionable footman was very facetious to Ned, and Ned was very gallant to the cook and housemaid by turns.
They were
all
very cosy and comfortable
;
and the something strong went briskly round. At last Ned Twigger was loudly called for,
by the procession people
had his helmet fixed
:
and, having
on, in a very complicated
manner, by the companionable footman, and
Public Life of Mr. Ttdrtcmble.
3
1
housemaid, and the friendly cook,
the kind
he walked gravely
forth,
and appeared before
—
was not with won-
the multitude.
The crowd it
der,
roared
was not with
it
surprise
it
;
was most
decidedly and unquestionably with laughter. "
up If
What
in
"
said
!
Mr. Tulrumble, starting "
the four-wheel chaise.
Laughing
?
man in real brass armour, when their own fathers were
they laugh at a
they'd
dying.
laugh
Why
Mr. Jennings towards us for "I
am
doesn't he ? ?
What's
go
into his place,
he
rolling
down
he has no business here "
afraid, sir
faltered
" !
Mr. Jen-
nings. "
Afraid of what,
"
sir ?
said Nicholas Tul-
rumble, looking up into the secretary's "
I
am
afraid he's drunk, sir
face.
" ;
replied
Mr.
Jennings.
Nicholas Tulrumble took one look at the extraordinary figure that was bearing
upon them
;
and then, clasping
his
down
secretary
Public Life of Mr. Tulrumble.
32
by the arm, uttered an audible groan
in
anguish of spirit. It is a melancholy fact that Mr. Twigger having full licence to demand a single glass of
rum on
the putting on of every piece of
the armour, got, by
some means or
other,
rather out of his calculation in the hurry
confusion of preparation, and drank
and
about
four glasses to a piece instead of one, not to
mention the something strong which went on the top of it. Whether the brass armour checked the natural flow of perspiration, and thus prevented the spirit from evaporating,
we
are not scientific
whatever the
enough to know but, Mr. Twigger no ;
cause was,
sooner found himself outside
Mudfog
the
gate of
Hall, than he also found himself in
a very considerable state of intoxication
hence
;
and
his extraordinary style of progressing.
This was bad enough, fortune had conspired
but, as
if
against
fate
and
Nicholas
Tulrumble, Mr. Twigger, not having been
Public Life of Mr. Tttlrumble.
33
penitent for a good calendar month, took
it
head to be most especially and par-
into his
ticularly sentimental, just
when his repentance
could have been most conveniently dispensed
down
his
was vainly endeavouring
to
Immense
with.
cheeks, and he
tears
were
rolling
conceal his grief by applying to his eyes a blue cotton pocket-handkerchief with white spots,
— an article not strictly in keeping with
a suit of armour some three hundred years old, or thereabouts. "
Twigger, you villain!" said Nicholas
Tulrumble, quite forgetting his dignity,
"
go
back." "
Never," said Ned.
wretch.
I'm a miserable
never leave you." by-standers of course received this I'll
The
declaration right, "
"
with
acclamations
of
"
That's
Ned; don't!" don't intend
Ned, with all the " I'm very obstinacy of a very tipsy man. I'm the wretched father of an unhappy. I
it,"
said
3
Public Life of Mr. Tulrttmble.
34
unfortunate sir.
ful,
family;
I'll
but
am
I
never leave
reiterated this
very
Having
you."
Ned
obliging promise,
faith-
pro-
broken words to harangue the ceeded crowd upon the number of years he had in
Mudfog, the excessive respectability character, and other topics of the like
lived in
of his nature.
"Here!
will
anybody lead him away?"
said Nicholas: "if they'll call on
wards,
reward them
I'll
Two
me
after-
well."
men stepped forward, with bearing Ned off, when the secre-
or three
the view of
tary interposed. "
Take "
nings.
care
I
better not falls
!
take care
" !
beg your pardon,
said Mr. Jensir
but they'd
;
go too near him, because,
if
he
over, hell certainly crush somebody."
At
this hint the
crowd
retired
to a very respectful distance, like the
Duke
of his own.
on
and
of Devonshire, in a
all
left
sides
Ned,
little circle
Public Life of Mr. Tulrumble. "
35
But, Mr. Jennings," said Nicholas Tul-
rumble, u
"
he'll
be suffocated."
I'm very sorry for
replied Mr.
sir,"
it,
"
but nobody can get that armour Jennings; I'm quite off, without his own assistance.
from the way he put it on." Here Ned wept dolefully, and shook
certain of
it
helmeted head,
in a
manner
touched a heart of stone
his
that might have
but the crowd had
;
not hearts of stone, and they laughed heartily. "
Dear me, Mr. Jennings,"
said Nicholas,
turning pale at the possibility of
Neds
being " costume Dear antique me, Mr. Jennings, can nothing be done with
smothered
him
his
"
Nothing
all.
at all," replied
in.
this poetical idea of his
Ned
Ned,
"
nothing Gentlemen, I'm an unhappy wretch.
I'm a body, gentlemen,
At
—
?
"
at
in
cried so
much
get sympathetic,
a brass
own
conjuring up,
that the people
and
to ask
coffin."
began
to
what Nicholas
Tulrumble meant by putting a man
into such
'
36
Public Life of Mr. Tttlrumble.
a machine as that
;
and one individual
hairy waistcoat like the top of a trunk,
in
a
who
had previously expressed his opinion that if Ned hadn't been a poor man, Nicholas wouldn't have dared do it, hinted at the propriety of breaking the four-wheel chaise, or
Nicholas's head, or both, which last
compound
proposition the crowd
consider a
seemed
to
very good notion.
was not acted upon, however, for it had hardly been broached, when Ned TwigIt
ger's wife
the
made her appearance
little circle
abruptly in
before noticed, and
Ned no
sooner caught a glimpse of her face and form, than from the mere force of habit he set off
towards his home just as
fast as his legs
could
and that was not very quick in the present instance either, for, however carry
him
;
ready they might have been to carry him, they couldn't get on very well under the brass armour.
So, Mrs.
Twigger had plenty
of time to denounce Nicholas Tulrumble to
Life of Mr. Ttdrmjtble.
Ptiblic
his face
to express her opinion that
:
a decided monster
;
and
37
.
he was
to intimate that,
if
her ill-used husband sustained any personal damage from the brass armour, she would
Tulrumble
have the law of Nicholas
for
When she had said all this manslaughter. with due vehemence, she posted after Ned, who was dragging could,
himself along as best he
and deploring
his
unhappiness
in
most
dismal tones.
What
and screaming Ned's children raised when he got home at last a wailing
!
Mrs, Twigger tried to undo the armour, first in one place, and then in another, but she couldn't
manage
it;
so she tumbled
bed, helmet, armour, gauntlets,
and
Ned all.
into
Such
a creaking as the bedstead made, under Ned's
weight
in
his
down though anonymous
;
new
suit!
It
and there Ned
vessel in the
Bay
didn't break lay,
like the
of Biscay,
till
next day, drinking barley-water, and looking miserable and every time he groaned, his :
Public Life of Mr. Tulrumble.
38
good lady all
said
it
served him right, which was
the consolation
Ned Twigger
Nicholas Tulrumble procession went
amid the
hall,
spectators,
on
hisses
got.
and the
gorgeous
together to the town-
and groans of
who had suddenly taken
all it
the into
heads to consider poor Ned a martyr. Nicholas was formally installed in his new
their
office, in
acknowledgment of which ceremony
he delivered himself of a speech, composed by the secretary, which was very long, and no doubt very good, only the noise of the people outside prevented anybody from hearing it, but Nicholas Tulrumble himself. After which, the procession got back to
how
it
could
tion sat
;
down
and Nicholas and the corporato dinner.
But the dinner was disappointed.
Mudfog Hall any
flat,
and Nicholas was
They were such
old fellows, that corporation.
dull
Nicholas
sleepy
made
Lord Mayor of London had done, nay, he said the very same
quite as long speeches as the
P
lib lie
Life of Mr. Tulrumble.
39
Lord Mayor of London had
things that the
and the deuce a cheer the corporation gave him. There was only one man in the and he party who was thoroughly awake said,
;
was insolent and
What would
anybody presuming
Mayor
should like to
would say
know what ;
to call the
"Nick!"
London
of
to that
toast-master, or
of the
!
be the consequence, thought
Nicholas, of
Lord
Nick
him Nick.
called
He
the sword-bearer
or the recorder, or the
any other of the great
officers
They'd nick him. But these were not the worst of Nicholas city.
Tulrumble's doings. If they had been, he might have remained a Mayor to this day,
and have talked contracted
till
a relish
philosophical
;
and
he
lost his voice.
for
statistics,
the
statistics
philosophy together, led
him
into
He
and got and the an
act
which increased his unpopularity and hastened his downfall.
At
the very end of the
Mudfog High-
40
Public Life of Mr. Tulrumble.
and abutting on the river-side, stands the Jolly Boatmen, an old-fashioned lowstreet,
bay-windowed house, with a bar, kitchen, and tap-room all in one, and a
roofed,
large fire-place with a kettle to correspond,
round which the working men have congregated time out of mind on a winter's night, refreshed by draughts of
good strong
beer,
and cheered by the sounds of a fiddle and tambourine the Jolly Boatmen having been :
duly licensed by the Mayor and corporation, to scrape the fiddle and thumb the tambourine
from time, whereof the memory of the oldest inhabitants goeth not to the contrary.
Now
Nicholas Tulrumble had been reading pamphlets on crime, and parliamentary reports,
or had
which
made is
the
—
the secretary read them to him,
same thing
in effect,
—and he
at
once perceived that this fiddle and tambourine must have done more to demoralize Mudfog, than any other operating causes that ingeSo he read up for the nuity could imagine.
Public Life of Mr. Tulrumble.
subject,
and determined
41
come out on the
to
corporation with a burst, the very next time
the licence was applied
The
for.
day came, and the redfaced landlord of the Jolly Boatmen walked licensing
into the town-hall, looking as jolly as be,
need
having actually put on an extra fiddle for
that night, to
commemorate the anniversary It was
of the Jolly Boatmen's music licence. applied for in due form, and
was
just about
to be granted as a matter of course,
rose Nicholas Tulrumble, and
when up
drowned the
astonished corporation in a torrent of elo-
quence.
He
descanted
in
glowing terms
upon the increasing depravity of his native town of Mudfog, and the excesses committed by its population. Then, he related how shocked he had been, to see barrels of beer sliding
down
Boatmen week sat
men
into after
the
cellar
week
;
of the
Jolly
and how he had
a window opposite the Jolly Boatfor two days together, to count the
at
42
Public Life of Mr. Tttlrumble.
people who went in for beer between the hours of twelve and one o'clock alone which,
—
by-the-bye,
was the time
at
which the great
Mudfog people dined. Then, he went on to state, how the number of people who came out with beer-jugs, averaged majority of the
twenty-one
in five minutes, which,
being mul-
by twelve, gave two hundred and fiftytwo people with beer-jugs in an hour, and multiplied
by fifteen (the number of hours during which the house was open daily) yielded three thousand seven hundred and tiplied again
eighty people with beer-jugs
per day,
or
twenty-six thousand four hundred and sixty
Then he people with beer-jugs, per week. proceeded to show that a tambourine and moral degradation were synonymous terms, and a fiddle and vicious propensities wholly inseparable. All these arguments he strength-
ened and demonstrated by frequent references to a large book with a blue cover, and sundry quotations from the Middlesex magistrates
;
Public Life of Mr. Ttdrumble.
and
in the end,
the corporation,
43
who were
posed with the figures, and sleepy with the speech, and sadly in want of dinner into the bargain, yielded the
palm
to
Nicholas Tul-
rumble, and refused the music licence to the Jolly
Boatmen.
But although Nicholas triumphed, his triumph was short. He carried on the war against beer-jugs and fiddles, forgetting the
time one,
when he was glad and
to
dance to the other,
hated, and his old friends
grew
of the
tired
Mudfog
to drink out of the
Hall,
and
the people
He
shunned him.
lonely his
till
magnificence
heart
of
yearned toHe wished
wards the Lighterman's Arms. he had never set up as a public man, and sighed for the good old times of the coalshop, and the chimney corner.
At
length old Nicholas, being thoroughly
miserable,
took heart of grace,
secretary a quarter's
packed
Âť
him
off
to
wages
paid
in advance,
London by
the
the
and next
Public Life of Mr. Tulrumble.
44 coach.
on
hat
Having taken his
and
head,
pocket, and walked
this step,
down
the
Lighterman's Arms.
two
of the
old
Tulrumble "
in
his
room
at
There were only there, and they
Nicholas as he proffered
Are you going "
pride
to the old
fellows
looked coldly on his hand. "
his
he put his
to put
down
pipes,
Mr.
said one.
?
Or trace the
progress of crime to 'bacca?"
growled another. "
Neither," replied
Nicholas Tulrumble,
shaking hands with them both, whether they
would or
"
not.
I've
come down
made a
I'm very sorry for having self,
and that
I
hope
you'll give
to say that fool of
me
my-
up, the
old chair, again."
The
old fellows opened their eyes,
three or four door, to
more old
whom
story.
opened the
Nicholas, with tears in his
eyes, thrust out his
same
fellows
and
They
hand
too,
and
told the
raised a shout of joy, that
Public Life of Mr. Tulrumble.
made
the bells in the ancient church-tower
vibrate again,
warm
the into
45
it,
and wheeling the old chair
corner, thrust old Nicholas
and ordered
in the
into
down
very largest-sized
bowl of hot punch, with an unlimited number of pipes, directly.
The
next day, the Jolly Boatmen got the licence, and the next night, old Nicholas and
Ned
Twigger's wife led off a dance to the
music of the fiddle and tambourine, the tone of which rest,
for
before.
seemed mightily improved by a little they never had played so merrily
Ned Twigger was
in the
very height
of his glory, and he danced hornpipes, and
balanced chairs on his chin, and straws on his nose,
till
the whole company, including the
corporation, were in raptures of admiration at the brilliancy of his acquirements.
Mr. Tulrumble, junior, couldn't make up his mind to be anything but magnificent, so he went up to London and drew bills on his father and when he had overdrawn, and got ;
Public Life of Mr. Tulrwmble.
46
into debt,
he grew penitent, and came home
again.
As
to old Nicholas,
he kept
and
his word,
having had six weeks of public life, never tried it any more. He went to sleep in the townvery next meeting and, in full proof of his sincerity, has requested us to wish it write this faithful narrative. at the
hall
;
We
could have the effect of reminding the Tul-
rumbles of another sphere, that puffed-up conceit little
not dignity, and that snarling at the
is
pleasures they were once glad to enjoy,
because they would rather forget the times when they were of lower station, renders
them
objects of contempt and ridicule.
This
is
the
first
time
any of our gleanings source.
may
Perhaps, at
venture
Mudfog.
to
we have
from
some
open
this
published particular
future period,
the
chronicles
we of
FULL EEPOKT OF THE EIKST MEETING OE THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING.
We
have made the most unparalleled and
extraordinary exertions to place
before our
readers a complete and accurate account of the proceedings at the late grand meeting of
the of
Mudfog Mudfog
Association, holden in the
affords us great happiness to
it
;
town
lay the result before them, in the shape of
various
communications received from our
able, talented,
pressly sent
and graphic correspondent, ex-
down
immortalized
us,
association, all
We
at
for the purpose,
who
has
Mudfog, and the one and the same time.
himself,
have been, indeed,
to determine
who
for
some days unable
will transmit the greatest
Report of the First Meeting
48
name
to posterity
ourselves,
;
who
sent our
correspondent down; our correspondent, who wrote an account of the matter or the asso;
ciation,
who gave
our correspondent some-
We
rather incline to thing to write about. the opinion that we are the greatest man of
the party, inasmuch as the notion of an exclusive this
and authentic report originated with us; may be prejudice it may arise from a :
prepossession on our part in our
Be
it
so.
We have
tleman concerned is
troubled with
own
favour.
no doubt that every gen-
in this
the
mighty assemblage in a
same complaint
greater or less degree; and
it is
a consolation
know that we have at least this feelcommon with the great scientific stars,
to us to
ing in the
brilliant
and
extraordinary luminaries,
whose speculations we
record.
We
give our correspondent's letters in the order in which they reached us. Any
attempt at amalgamating them into one beautiful
whole, would only destroy that glowing
of the Mudfog Association.
and
tone, that dash of wildness, interest,
picturesque
which
49
rich vein of
them
pervade
throughout. "Mudfog, Monday "
We
here.
night, seven o'clock.
are in a state of great excitement
Nothing
is
spoken
of,
but the approach-
ing meeting of the association.
The
inn-
doors are thronged with waiters anxiously looking for the expected arrivals; and the
numerous
bills
which are wafered up
in the
windows of private houses, intimating
that
there are beds to let within, give the streets
a very animated and cheerful appearance, the wafers being of a great variety of colours, and the monotony of printed inscriptions
being relieved by every possible size and style of hand-writing.
It is confidently
rumoured
Snore, Doze, and Wheezy have engaged three beds and a sitting-room at the Pig and Tinder-box. I give you the that
Professors
rumour as as yet,
it
vouch
has reached
me
for its accuracy.
;
but
I
cannot,
The moment 4
Report of the First Meeting
50 I
have been enabled
to obtain
any certain
information upon this interesting point, you
may depend upon
it."
receiving
"
"
I
have
Half-past
just returned from a
seven.
personal
interview with the landlord of the Pig and
Tinder-box.
He
speaks confidently of the
probability of Professors
Snore,
residence
taking up their
Wheezy
Doze, and at
his
house during the sitting of the association, but denies that the beds have been yet
engaged
;
in
which representation he
firmed by the chambermaid,
—a
is
girl of artless
manners, and interesting appearance. boots denies that
it is
here
;
man the
but
all
have reason
The
likely that Pro-
and Wheezy
fessors Snore, Doze, I
at
con-
will
put up
to believe that this
has been suborned by the proprietor of Original
hotel.
Pig,
which
Amidst such
is difficult
is
the opposition
conflicting testimony
to arrive at the real truth
may depend upon
;
it
but you
receiving authentic infor-
of the Mudfog Association. mation upon is
this point the
ascertained.
A
tinues.
boy
The fell
5
moment
excitement
1
the fact con-
still
through the window of
the pastrycook's shop at the corner of the High-street about half an hour ago, which has
occasioned pression
heaven
much
is,
it
that
The
confusion. it
may prove
was an so
accident.
of
At
all
an early hour
!
this
Tuesday, noon.
morning the
the churches struck seven o'clock
effect of
bells ;
the
which, in the present lively state of
the town, was extremely singular.
was
Pray
"
"
"
general im-
at breakfast, a yellow gig,
While
I
drawn by a
dark grey horse, with a patch of white over his right eyelid, proceeded at a rapid pace in the direction of the Original Pig stables; currently
it is
reported that this gentleman has
arrived here for the purpose of attending the association, and,
consider
it
from what
extremely
nothing decisive
is
yet
I
have heard,
probable,
I
although
known regarding
him.
Report of the First Meeting
52
You may are
conceive the anxiety with which
we
looking forward to the arrival of the
all
four o'clock coach this afternoon. "
Notwithstanding the excited state of the populace, no outrage has yet been committed, to the admirable discipline
owing
cretion of the police,
A
seen.
who
barrel-organ
is
and
dis-
are nowhere to be
playing opposite
my
window, and groups of people, offering fish and vegetables for sale, parade the streets.
With these exceptions everything and
is
trust will continue so."
I
"Five "
quiet,
It
now
o'clock.
beyond all doubt, that Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy will not repair to the Pig and Tinder-box, but is
ascertained,
have actually engaged apartments at the This intelligence is exclusive ; Original Pig.
and their
I
leave you and your readers to draw
own
inferences from
Wheezy, of
all
it.
Why
Professor
people in the world, should
repair to the Original
Pig
in preference to
of the Mitdfog Association. the Pig and Tinder-box, conceive.
be above
The all
is
not easy to
man who should petty feelings. Some people
professor
such
it
53
is
a
here openly impute treachery, and a distinct
breach of faith to Professors Snore and Doze
;
while others, again, are disposed to acquit
them of any culpability in the transaction, and to insinuate that the blame rests solely with Professor Wheezy. to the latter opinion
me
great pain to
;
and
dent genius
bound
reached
my
know what "
if all
if
make
it
gives
man
of such transcenstill
I
am
suspicions be well
my
the reports which have I
really
do not well
of the matter.
Mr. Slug, so celebrated
for his statistical
researches, arrived this afternoon o'clock stage.
incline
terms of censure
ears be true, to
I
in
acquirements,
to say that,
founded, and
that
and although
speak
or disapprobation of a
own
I
His complexion
by the four is
a dark
and he has a habit of sighing conHe looked extremely well, and stantly.
purple,
Report of the First Meeting
54 appeared
in
high health and
Woodensconse conveyance.
was
also
The
fast asleep
on
Mr.
spirits.
came down
same
in the
distinguished gentleman his arrival,
and
am
I
in-
formed by the guard that he had been so the whole way. He was, no doubt, preparing for approaching fatigues but what gigantic visions must those be that flit through the his
;
brain of such a state of torpidity "
The
moment.
man when
his
am
in
a
told (I
know
increases every
not
how
two post-chaises have arrived
that
is
!
influx of visitors I
body
truly)
at the
Original Pig within the last half-hour, and
I
myself observed a wheelbarrow, containing three carpet bags and a bundle, entering the
yard of the Pig and Tinder-box no longer ago than five minutes since. The people are still
tions
quietly pursuing their ordinary occupa;
but there
and an unwonted
is
a wildness in their eyes,
rigidity in
their countenances,
the muscles of
which shows to the ob-
of the Mudfog Association.
55
servant spectator that their expectations are strained to the very utmost pitch.
unless
some very extraordinary
this
fear,
arrivals take
place to-night, that consequences
from
I
may
arise
popular ferment, which every
man
of sense and feeling would deplore." " "
I
have
Twenty mimctes past
just heard that the
six.
boy who
fell
through the pastrycook's window last night He was suddenly has died of the fright.
pay three and sixpence for the damage done, and his constitution, it seems, was not strong enough to bear up against the called
shock.
upon
to
The
to-morrow.
inquest,
it
is
said, will
be held
,,
"
Three-quarters past seven.
"
Professors Muff and Nogo have just driven up to the hotel door they at once ;
We
ordered dinner with great condescension. are all very much delighted with the urbanity of their manners, and the ease with which
they adapt themselves to the forms and cere-
56
Report of the First Meeting
monies
of ordinary
their arrival
life.
they sent for
Immediately on the head waiter,
and privately requested him to purchase a live dog, as cheap a one as he could meet
—
with,
— and to send
him up after dinner, with a knife and fork, and a clean
a pie-board, It
plate.
ments
is
conjectured that
some
experi-
be tried upon the dog to-night if any particulars should transpire, I will forward will
them by
;
,,
express. "
u
The
Half-past
animal has been procured.
eight,
He
is
a
pug-dog, of rather intelligent appearance, in good condition, and with very short legs. He
has been tied to a curtain-peg in a dark room,
and
is
howling dreadfully." " Ten minutes to nine.
"
The dog
has just been rung for. With an instinct which would appear almost the result of reason, the sagacious animal seized
the waiter
by the
when he and made a despe-
calf of the leg
approached to take him,
of the Mudfog Association.
57
though ineffectual resistance. I have not been able to procure admission to the
rate,
apartment occupied by the scientific gentlemen but, judging from the sounds which ;
reached
my
ears
when
I
stood upon the land-
ing-place outside the door, just now,
should
I
be disposed to say that the dog had retreated growling beneath some article of furniture,
and was keeping the professors conjecture
is
This
at bay.
confirmed by the testimony of
the ostler, who, after peeping through the keyhole, assures
Professor
me
Nogo on
that he distinctly
saw
his knees, holding forth a
prussic acid, to which the
small
bottle
animal,
who was crouched beneath an armYou obstinately declined to smell.
chair,
of
cannot imagine the feverish state of
we
are
in, lest
be sacrificed creature,
sense
to
who
irritation
the interests of science should to the is
foresee
a brute
prejudices of
not endowed with sufficient the
incalculable
which the whole human race
benefits
may
derive
Report of the First Meeting
58
from so very
a concession on his
slight
part." "
"
The
down
dog's
stairs
to
cumstance we
Nine d clock.
and ears have been sent
tail
be washed infer
from which
;
that the animal
cir-
is
no
His forelegs have been delivered to the boots to be brushed, which strengthens more.
the supposition/' u "
My
feelings
are
so
Half after
ten.
overpowered
by
what has taken place in the course of the last hour and a half, that I have scarcely strength to
detail the
rapid
succession
which have quite bewildered are cognizant of
their
all
of
those
occurrence.
pears that the pug-dog mentioned in
was
—by
surreptitiously obtained,
—
some person attached
events
who
It
ap-
my
last
stolen, in fact,
to the
stable
department, from an unmarried lady resident Frantic on discovering the in this town. loss of her favourite, the lady
rushed
dis-
of the Mudfog
A ssociation.
59
tractedly into the street, calling in the
most
heart-rending and pathetic manner upon the
—
passengers to restore her, her Augustus, for so the deceased was named, in affection-
remembrance of a former lover of
ate
his
whom
he bore a striking personal resemblance, which renders the circum-
mistress, to
am
not yet
a condition to inform you what
circum-
stances additionally affecting. in
I
stance induced the bereaved lady to direct
her steps to the hotel which had witnessed the last struggles of her protdgd. state
that
instant
she arrived
when
his
there,
detached
I
can only
at the
very
members were
passing through the passage on a small tray.
Her
shrieks
still
reverberate in
my
ears
!
I
grieve to say that the expressive features of Professor lacerated
Muff were much scratched and by the
Professor Nogo,
injured
lady;
and
that
besides sustaining several
severe bites, has lost some handfuls of hair
from the same cause.
It
must be some
60
Report of the First Meeting
know
consolation to these gentlemen to
that
their ardent attachment to scientific pursuits
has alone occasioned these unpleasant confor which the sympathy of a sequences ;
grateful country will sufficiently reward them.
The
unfortunate lady remains at the Pig and
Tinder-box, and up to this time
is
reported in
a very precarious state. "
need scarcely
I
tell
you that
looked-for catastrophe has cast a
gloom upon us tion
in the
natural in
;
hanced
in this,
whole of
damp and
midst of our exhilara-
but greatly enby the amiable qualities of
any
case,
who
appears to have and deservedly respected by the
the deceased animal,
been much
this un-
his acquaintance." " Twelve
"
take the
d clock.
opportunity before sealing my parcel to inform you that the boy who fell through the pastrycook's window is not I
last
dead, as was universally believed, but alive
and
well.
The
report appears to have had
61
of the Mudfog Association. his
in
its
origin
He
was found
mysterious disappearance. on the pre-
half an hour since
mises of a sweet-stuff maker, where a
had been announced
for a
raffle
second-hand
skin cap and a tambourine
;
seal-
and where
—a
number of members not having
sufficient
been obtained at first
—he had patiently waited
was completed. This fortunate discovery has in some degree restored our It is proposed to gaiety and cheerfulness. until the list
a
up
get
subscription
delay. "
Everybody
what to-morrow
is
for
him
without
nervously anxious to see
will bring forth.
If
any one
should arrive in the course of the night,
have
left strict
directions to be called
I
imme-
should have sat up, indeed, but the agitating events of this day have been too diately.
I
much
me.
"
for
No news
sors Snore, "
strange
!
yet of either of the Profes-
Doze, or Wheezy.
It
is
very
62
Report of the First Meeting "
"
All
at least,
now over
is
am
I
;
at length
minds of your readers
Wednesday afternoon.
and, upon one point
enabled to set the
The
at rest.
three
professors arrived at ten minutes after two o'clock, and,, instead of taking ters at the Original Pig, as
understood
in the course of
would
they
assuredly
straight to the
they threw announced Professor
it
up their quarwas universally yesterday that
have
done,
drove
Pig and Tinder-box, where
off the
mask
at once,
intention
their
Wheezy may
of
and openly remaining.
reconcile this
very
extraordinary conduct with his notions of fair
and equitable dealing, but
I
would
re-
commend Professor Wheezy to be cautious how he presumes too far upon his well-earned How such a man as Professor reputation. Snore,
or,
which
is
still
more extraordinary,
such an individual as Professor Doze, can quietly allow himself to be
mixed up with
such proceedings as these, you will naturally
Mudfog Association,
of the
Upon
inquire.
this head,
rumour
63 is
silent
;
have
my speculations, but forbear to give utterance to them just now." I
"
"
The town
is
filling fast
Four
o'clock.
eighteenpence has been offered for a bed and refused. ;
Several gentlemen were under the necessity last night of sleeping in the brick fields, and
on the steps of doors, taken before this
the
for
which they were
magistrates
a
in
body
morning, and committed to prison as
vagrants for various terms.
persons
I
One
of
these
understand to be a highly-respect-
able tinker, of great practical
skill,
who had
forwarded a paper to the President of Section D. Mechanical Science, on the construction of pipkins with copper bottoms and safetyvalves, of
which report speaks highly.
incarceration of this gentleman
be regretted, as his absence discussion on the subject. "
The
bills
will
are being taken
is
The
greatly to
preclude any
down
in
all
Report of the First Meeting
64
and lodgings are being secured on almost any terms. I have heard of fifteen directions,
shillings a
week
for
two rooms, exclusive of
coals
and attendance, but
lieve
it.
informed
I
can scarcely be-
The
excitement
this
morning that the
is
dreadful. civil
I
was
authori-
apprehensive of some outbreak of popufeeling, had commanded a recruiting ser-
ties,
lar
geant and two corporals to be under arms and that, with the view of not irritating the
;
people unnecessarily by their presence, they had been requested to take up their position before daybreak in a turnpike, distant about
a quarter of a mile from the town.
The
vigour and promptness of these measures cannot be too highly extolled. "
Intelligence has just been brought me,
that an elderly female, in a state of inebriety,
has declared in the open street her intention to
'
do
'
for
Mr. Slug.
turns compiled
by
Some
statistical
re-
that gentleman, relative to
the consumption of raw spirituous liquors in
of the Mttdfog Association.
65
supposed to be the cause of It is added that this the wretch's animosity. place, are
this
was loudly cheered by a crowd of persons who had assembled on the spot and that one man had the boldness to designate declaration
;
Mr. Slug aloud by the opprobrious epithet of u Stick-in-the-mud " It is earnestly to be !
hoped
that
now, when
the
moment
has
arrived for their interference, the magistrates
not shrink from
will
the exercise
of
vested in them by the consti-
power which
is
tution of our
common
country.'' " Half-past
"
The
that
disturbance,
I
am happy
ten.
to inform
you, has been completely quelled, and the
ringleader taken into custody.
She had a
water thrown over her, previous to being locked up, and expresses great conWe are all in a fever trition and uneasiness. pail of cold
of anticipation about to-morrow that
we
;
but,
now
are within a few hours of the meeting
of the association, and at last enjoy the proud
66
Report of the First Meeting
consciousness of having bers amongst us,
and hope everything
trust
I
may go
off peaceably.
report
of
I
shall
I
send you a
open
" Eleven
my
letter to
I
folded "
The
hour.
I
sun rose
this
dclock.
say that nothing
whatever has occurred since
"
full
to-morrow's proceedings by the
night coach." "
mem-
illustrious
its
morning
it
up."
Thursday.
at the usual
did not observe anything particular
in the aspect of the glorious planet,
that he appeared to
a delusion of
my
with more than
me
(it
except
might have been
heightened fancy) to shine
common
brilliancy,
and to
shed a refulgent lustre upon the town, such This is the as I had never observed before.
more extraordinary, as the sky was perfectly cloudless, and the atmosphere peculiarly fine.
At
half-past nine o'clock the general
com-
mittee assembled, with the last year's presi-
dent in the
chair.
The
report of the council
of the
67
Mudfog Association.
and one passage, which stated that the council had corresponded with no
was read
;
than three thousand five hundred and
less
seventy-one
persons,
of
(all
whom
paid
own
postage,) on no fewer than seven thousand two hundred and forty-three topics,
their
was received with a degree of enthusiasm which no
The
efforts could suppress.
ous committees and appointed, and the
sections
vari-
having been
more formal business
acted, the great proceedings of the
trans-
meeting
eleven o'clock precisely. commenced had the happiness of occupying a most at
I
eli-
gible position at that time, in
"Section A.
—Zoology
and Botany.
GREAT ROOM, PIG AND TINDER-BOX.
President— Professor Snore.
Vice-Presidents
— Professors
Doze and Wheezy. "
The
scene at this
larly striking.
moment was
particu-
The sun streamed through
the windows of the apartments, and tinted the
whole scene with
its
brilliant rays,
bringing
68
Report of the First Meeting
out in strong relief the noble visages of the professors and scientific gentlemen, who,
some
with bald heads, some with red heads, some with brown heads, some with
some with black
grey heads, heads, some with block
heads, presented a coup d'ceil which no eye-
In front of these
witness will readily forget.
gentlemen were papers and inkstands and round the room, on elevated benches extend;
ing as far
as the forms could reach,
assembled a
brilliant
were
concourse of those lovely
and elegant women
which
for
Mudfog
is
acknowledged to be without a rival in the whole world. The contrast between their
justly
fair faces
and the dark coats and trousers of
the scientific gentlemen to
I
shall
never cease
remember while Memory holds her "
Time having been
seat.
allowed for a slight
confusion, occasioned by the falling
down
of
the greater part of the platforms, to subside, the president called on one of the secretaries to
read
a communication
'
entitled,
Some
of the
Mudfog Association.
remarks on the industrious
fleas,
69
with con-
siderations on the importance of establishing infant-schools
society
and
;
among
that
numerous
class of
of directing their industry to useful
and of applying the surtowards providing for them
ends
practical
;
plus fruits thereof,
a comfortable and respectable maintenance in their old age.' "
The
author stated,
having long
that,
turned his attention to the moral and social condition of these interesting animals, he had
been induced street,
London,
designation
He
to visit
had
of
there
certainly in
an exhibition
in
Regent-
commonly known by the '
The
seen
Fleas/
Industrious
many
fleas,
occupied
various pursuits and avocations,
but occupied, he
was bound
to
add, in a
manner which no man of well-regulated mind could
One
fail
flea,
to regard with sorrow
and
regret.
reduced to the level of a beast of
burden, was drawing about a miniature gig, containing a particularly small effigy of His
yo
Report of the First Meeting
grace the
Duke
was staggering golden model of
of Wellington
;
while another
beneath the weight of his great adversary
a
Napoleon
as mounte-
Some, brought up Bonaparte. banks and ballet-dancers, were performing a figure-dance (he regretted to observe, that, of
the fleas so employed, several were females) others were in training, in a small card;
—
board box, for pedestrians, mere sporting characters— and two were actually engaged in the cold-blooded and barbarous occupation of duelling; a pursuit from which humanity recoiled with horror
and
He
disgust.
sug-
gested that measures should be immediately
taken to employ the labour of these
fleas as
part and parcel of the productive
the country, which might easily the
establishment
power of be done by
among them
of
infant
schools and houses of industry, in which a
system of virtuous education, based upon sound principles, should be observed, and moral precepts
strictly inculcated.
He
pro-
of the Mudfog Association. posed that
flea
every
exhibit, for hire,
7
who presumed
1
to
music, or dancing, or any
theatrical entertainment, without
species of
a licence, should be considered a vagabond,
and treated accordingly in which respect he only placed him upon a level with the ;
He
mankind.
rest of
that their control
would further suggest labour should be placed under the
and
regulation
of
should set apart from the the
support of
fleas,
view,
their
he
the
who
state,
profits,
a fund for
superannuated or disabled
With
widows and orphans. that
proposed
liberal
this
premiums
should be offered for the three best designs for
a general
almshouse
insect architecture
;
from which
was well known
a very advanced and perfect state possibly derive
many
to
— as
be
in
— we might
valuable hints for the
improvement of our metropolitan universinational galleries, and other public ties, edifices. "
The President
wished to be informed
Report of the First Meeting
72
how
the ingenious
gentleman proposed to open a communication with fleas generally, in the first instance, so that they might be thoroughly imbued with a sense of the ad-
vantages they must necessarily derive from
changing their mode of life, and applying themselves to honest labour. This appeared to him, the only difficulty. "
The Author
culty
was
there
was no
easily
submitted that this
diffi-
overcome, or rather that at all in
difficulty
the
case.
Obviously the course to be pursued, if Her Majesty's government could be prevailed
upon
to take
up the
plan,
would
be, to secure
remunerative salary the individual to whom he had alluded as presiding over the
at a
exhibition in Regent-street at the period of his visit.
That gentleman would
able to put himself
the mass of the
in
fleas,
at
once be
communication with
and
to
instruct
them
pursuance of some general plan of education, to be sanctioned by Parliament, until
in
of the Mudfog Association. such time as
more
the
73
intelligent
them were advanced enough
among
to officiate as
teachers to the rest "
The
President and several
members
of
the section highly complimented the author of the paper last read, on his most ingenious
and important
treatise.
was determined
It
that the subject should be
recommended
to
the immediate consideration of the council. "
Wigsby produced
Mr.
somewhat
larger
a
than
a cauliflower
chaise-umbrella,
which had been raised by no other
means than the simple
artificial
application of highly
carbonated soda-water as manure.
He
ex-
by scooping out the head, which would afford a new and delicious species of plained that
nourishment for principle
structed
tained
;
the poor,
something similar
a parachute, in to
by M. Garnerin, was
at
that
con-
once ob-
the stalk of course being kept down-
He
added
he was perfectly willing to make a descent from a height of wards.
that
Report of the First Meeting
74
not less than three miles and a quarter
had
;
and
proposed the same to the proprietors of Vauxhall Gardens, who in the handsomest manner at once consented to in fact already
his wishes,
summer
and appointed an early day next
for the
undertaking
;
merely stipu-
lating that the rim of the cauliflower should
be previously broken
in three or four places
to ensure the safety of the descent. "
The
President
public on the
the
congratulated
grand gala
in store for
them,
and warmly eulogised the proprietors of the establishment alluded
to,
for
their love of
and regard for the safety of human both of which did them the highest
science, life,
honour. "
A
Member wished
to
know how many
thousand additional lamps the royal property
would be illuminated
with,
on the night
after
the descent. "
Mr. Wigsby
replied that the point
not yet finally decided;
was
but he believed
it
of the Mitdfog Association.
75
was proposed, over and above the ordinary illuminations, to exhibit
devices
in various
eight millions and a-half of additional lamps.
"The Member gratified with this "
much
expressed himself
announcement.
Mr. Blunderum delighted the
section
with a most interesting and valuable paper *
on the
moments
last
of the learned
pig,'
which produced a very strong impression on the assembly, the account being compiled
from
the
personal
favourite attendant.
of
recollections
The
his
account stated in
the most emphatic terms that the animal's
name was
not Toby, but Solomon
and
;
dis-
proved that he could have no near
tinctly
relatives in the profession, as
persons had
falsely stated,
father,
mother, brothers and
fallen
victims
times.
An
to
the
many
sisters,
butcher
uncle of his
designing
inasmuch as his
at
indeed,
had
all
different
had with
very great labour been traced to a sty in
Somers
Town
;
but as
he was
in
a very
Report of the First Meeting
76
infirm state at the time, being afflicted with
measles, and shortly afterwards disappeared,
there appeared too that he
The
much reason
had been converted
to conjecture
into sausages.
disorder of the learned pig was origi-
nally a severe cold, which, being aggravated
by excessive trough indulgence, finally settled upon the lungs, and terminated in a general
A melancholy decay of the constitution. instance of a presentiment entertained by the animal of his approaching dissolution, was recorded.
After gratifying a numerous
and fashionable company with his performances, in which no falling off whatever was he fixed his eyes on the biographer, and, turning to the watch which lay on the visible,
floor,
and on which he was accustomed to
point out the hour, deliberately passed his
snout twice
round
the
dial.
In
precisely
four-and-twenty hours from that time he had
ceased to exist 11
!
Professor
Wheezy
inquired
whether,
of the Mudfog Association.
77
previous to his demise, the animal had expressed, by signs or otherwise, any wishes
regarding the disposal of his "
Mr. Blunderum
little
property.
replied, that,
when
the
biographer took up the pack of cards at the conclusion of the performance, the animal
grunted several times
and nodding to do, it
when
his
in
head as he was accustomed
gratified.
was understood
a significant manner,
From
these gestures
that he wished the attend-
keep the cards, which he had ever He had not expressed any wish since done. relative to his watch, which had accordingly
ant
to
been pawned by the same individual. " The President wished to know whether any
Member
of
the section had ever
seen or conversed with the pig-faced lady,
who was
reported to
have worn
a black
velvet mask, and to have taken her meals
from a golden trough. " After some hesitation a that the pig-faced lady
was
Member
replied
his mother-in-law,
Report of the First Meeting
78
and that he trusted the President would not violate the sanctity of private "
life.
The President begged
pardon.
He
had considered the pig-faced lady a public character.
Would
member
the honourable
object to state, with a view to the advance-
ment
of science, whether she
was
connected with the learned pig "
The Member
any way
?
replied in the
the question
that, as
tone,
in
same low
appeared to
in-
volve a suspicion that the learned pig might be his half-brother, he must decline answering
it.
"
Section B.
— Anatomy
and Medicine.
COACH-HOUSE, PIG AND TINDER-BOX. President
— Dr.
Toorell.
Vice-Presidents
— Professors
Muff and Nogo. "
Dr. Kutankumagen
to the section a report
occurred within his illustrative
of
the
Moscow) read of a case which had
own
(of
practice,
power
of
strikingly
medicine, as
exemplified in his successful treatment of a
of the Mtidjog Association.
He
virulent disorder.
had been
79
called in to
visit
the patient on the 1st of April 1837.
He
was
peculiarly
then
under symptoms to any medical man.
labouring
alarming
His frame was stout and muscular,
his step
plump and
firm and elastic, his cheeks
red,
his voice loud, his appetite good, his pulse full
He
and round.
was
habit of eating three meals
drinking at least one bottle
in
the constant
per diem, and of of wine, and one
glass of spirituous liquors diluted with water, in the course of the
four-and-twenty hours.
He
laughed constantly, and in so hearty a manner that it was terrible to hear him. By dint
of powerful
bleeding,
the
medicine,
symptoms
in
diet,
the
course of
three days perceptibly decreased.
perseverance
ment
in
the
and
low
A
same course of
rigid treat-
one week, accompanied with small doses of water-gruel, weak broth, and for only
barley-water, led to their entire disappearance.
In the course of a
month he was
sufficiently
80
Report of the First Meeting
down
recovered to be carried nurses,
and
present
moment he was
stairs
by two
enjoy an airing in a close At the carriage, supported by soft pillows.
to
to
walk about, with the
crutch and a boy.
little,
" Dr.
W.
honourable
he had "
slept
It
little,
and was never heard
by any accident whatever.
to laugh
patient
slight assistance of a
would perhaps be gratithe section to learn that he ate little,
fying to
drank
so far as
restored
R. Fee,
in
complimenting the
member upon
the triumphant cure
effected,
begged
bled freely
still
to ask
?
Kutankumagen
Dr.
whether the
replied
the
in
affirmative. "
Dr.
W.
R.
Fee.— And you
found that
he bled freely during the whole course of the disorder "
most
?
Dr. Kutankumagen.
— Oh
dear,
yes;
freely.
"Dr. patient
Neeshawts supposed,
had not submitted
to
that
if
the
be bled with
of
the
Mudfog Association.
great readiness and perseverance, so extra-
ordinary a cure
been
could never, in
accomplished.
Dr.
fact,
have
Kutankumagen
rejoined, certainly not.
Knight Bell (M.R.C.S.) exhibited a wax preparation of the interior of a gentleman who in early life had inad-
"Mr.
vertently swallowed a door-key.
It
was a
curious fact that a medical student of dissi-
pated habits, being present at the post mortem examination, found means to escape unobserved from the room, with that portion of the coats of the stomach upon which an exact
model of the instrument was
distinctly im-
pressed, with which he hastened to a lock-
smith of doubtful character,
who made
key from the pattern so
shown
With
to
a
new him.
key the medical student entered the house of the deceased gentleman, and this
-
committed a burglary to a large amount, for which he was subsequently tried and executed. 6
82
Report of the First Meeting "
The President
became of the
wished to know what
original
key
after the lapse of
Knight Bell replied that the gentleman was always much accustomed to punch, and it was supposed the acid had Mr.
years.
gradually devoured "
it.
Dr. Neeshawts
members were
and several
"
lain
heavy upon the
Mr. Knight Bell believed
it
did at
was worthy of remark, perhaps, that some years the gentleman was troubled
first.
for
the
of opinion that the key must
very cold and gentleman's stomach.
have
of
It
with a night-mare, under the influence of which he always imagined himself a winecellar door.
"
Professor Muff related a very extraordinary and convincing proof of the wonderful efficacy of the system of infinitesimal
doses,
which
the
section
were
doubtless
aware was based upon the theory that the very minutest amount of any given drug,
of the
Mudfog
Association.
83
human
properly dispersed through the
frame,
would be productive of precisely the same very large dose administered in the usual manner. Thus, the fortieth part of a
result as a
was supposed to be equal to calomel pill, and so on in propor-
grain of calomel
a five-grain
tion throughout the
whole range of medicine.
He
experiment
had
tried the
manner upon a
publican
in
a curious
who had been
brought into the hospital with a broken head, and was cured upon the infinitesimal system in the incredibly short space of three
man was
This
a hard drinker.
months.
He (Professor
had dispersed three drops of rum through a bucket of water, and requested the Muff)
man
to
result
was
?
drink the whole.
What was
Before he had drunk
the
a quart, he
a state of beastly intoxication and five other men were made dead drunk with in
;
the remainder. "
The President wished to know whether
an infinitesimal dose
of soda-water
would
Report of the First Meeting
84
have recovered them plied
that
the
Professor part
twenty-fifth
properly
spoonful,
?
Muff
a tea-
of
administered
re-
each
to
would have sobered him immediately. The President remarked that this was a most
patient,
important discovery, and he hoped the Lord
Mayor and Court ize
it
Aldermen would patron-
immediately.
A
"
of
whether
Member begged it
to
would be possible
be
informed
to administer
bread
say, the twentieth part of a grain of
and cheese
to
all
—
grown-up paupers, and the
fortieth part to children, with the
same
satis-
fying effect as their present allowance. "
his
Professor
Muff was
willing to stake
professional
reputation
on the
perfect
adequacy of such a quantity of food to the support of human life in workhouses the
—
;
addition of the fifteenth part of a grain of
pudding twice a week would render
it
a high
diet.
"
Professor Nogo called the attention of
of the Mudfog Association.
85
the section to a very extraordinary case of
A
animal magnetism. private watchman, at looked by the operator from being merely the opposite side of a wide street, was at once a very drowsy and languid was followed to his box, and
observed to be
He
state.
in
being once slightly rubbed on the palms of the hands, fell into a sound sleep, in which he continued without intermission for ten hours. " Section C.
— Statistics.
HAY-LOFT, ORIGINAL PIG.
— Mr.
President
Woodensconce.
Vice-Presidents
— Mr.
Ledbrain and Mr. Timbered. "
Mr. Slug
result of
some
stated
to
the
calculations he
the
section
had made with
great difficulty and labour, regarding the state of infant education of London.
He
among
found
the middle classes
that, within
a circle
of three miles from the Elephant and Castle,
the following were the children's
names and numbers of
books principally
in circulation
:
—
86 "
Report of the First Meeting Jack the Giant-killer
.
of the Mitdfog Association.
sword
hand
in
87
for the deliverance of captive
and the promiscuous slaughter of Not one child among the number
princesses, giants.
interrogated had ever heard of
—some
nected with the black crossing
;
had not
man
the
that swept
the Regent's
principles
considered
Sinbad
enterprising
the
in any-
Park.
They
conception of
slightest
commonest
Park,
at all con-
and others whether he was
related to
way
Mun^o
inquiring whether he was
the
of mathematics, and
the
Sailor
voyager that
the
most
the
world
had
ever produced. "
of
A
all
Member
strongly deprecating the use
the other books mentioned, suggested
and
might perhaps be exempted from the general censure, inasmuch as the that Jack
Jill
hero and heroine,
in
the very outset of the
were depicted as going up a hill to fetch a pail of water, which was a laborious and tale,
useful linen
occupation,
— supposing
was being washed,
the
for instance.
family
88
Report of the First Meeting " Mr. Slug feared that the moral
effect of
passage was more than counterbalanced by another in a subsequent part of the poem, this
which very gross allusion was made to the mode in which the heroine was personally
in
chastised
by her mother
"
'
For laughing
besides, the fault, it
"
whole work had
was not
The
at Jack's disaster
one great
t7'ue.
President
honourable member tinction
this
'
;
he had drawn.
the
complimented on the excellent Several other
dis-
Mem-
upon the immense and urgent necessity of storing the minds of children which with nothing but facts and figures
bers, too, dwelt
;
process the President very forcibly remarked,
had made them (the section) the men they were. "
Mr. Slug then
stated
some
curious
calculations respecting the dogs'-meat barrows
of London.
He
found that the
total
number
of the
Mudfog Association.
89
of small carts and barrows engaged in dispensing provision to the cats and dogs of the
metropolis was one thousand seven hundred and forty-three. The average number of
skewers delivered daily with the provender, by each dogs'-meat cart or barrow, was thirty-six.
Now,
multiplying the
number of
skewers so delivered by the number of barrows, a total of sixty-two thousand seven
hundred and forty-eight skewers daily would be obtained. Allowing that, of these sixty two thousand seven hundred and forty-eight skewers, the odd two thousand seven hundred
and
were accidentally devoured with the meat, by the most voracious of the forty-eight
animals supplied, it followed that sixty thousand skewers per day, or the enormous num-
twenty-one millions nine hundred thousand skewers annually, were wasted in
ber
of
the kennels and dustholes of if
;
and warehoused, would in ten time afford a mass of timber more than
collected
years'
London which,
Report of the First Meeting
90
sufficient for the construction of
vessel of
war
first-rate
The Royal Skewer/ and that name the terror of all
navy, to be called to
a
for the use of her Majesty's
become under
'
the enemies of this island. "
Mr. X. Ledbrain read a very ingenious
communication, from which
number of
the total
it
appeared that
legs belonging to the
manufacturing population of one great town in Yorkshire was, in round numbers, forty thousand, while the total number of chair and stool legs
in
their
houses was only thirty
thousand, which, upon
the very favourable
average of three legs to a seat, yielded only ten thousand seats in all. From this calculation
it
would appear,
— not
taking wooden or
cork legs into the account, but allowing two legs
to
every person,
—that
ten
thousand
individuals (one-half of the whole population)
were either destitute of any rest for their legs at all, or passed the whole of their leisure time
in sitting
upon boxes.
of the Mudfog Association. "
D.— Mechanical
Section
COACH-HOUSE, ORIGINAL President— Mr.
Carter.
91
Science. PIG.
Vice-Presidents— Mr.
Truck
and Mr. Waghorn. "
Professor
Queerspeck
exhibited
an
elegant model of a portable railway, neatly mounted in a green case, for the waistcoat pocket.
By
attaching this
beautiful instru-
any Bank or public-office clerk could transport himself from his place
ment
to his boots,
of residence to his place of business, at the
easy rate of sixty-five miles an hour, which, to
gentlemen of sedentary pursuits, would be
an incalculable advantage. " The President was desirous of knowing whether it was necessary to have a level surface on which the gentleman
was
to run.
"
Professor Queerspeck explained that City gentlemen would run in trains, being handcuffed together to prevent confusion or unpleasantness. start
For
instance, trains
would
every morning at eight, nine, and ten
Report of the First Meeting
92
Camden
from
o'clock,
Town,
Islington,
Camberwell, Hackney, and various other places in which City gentlemen are accus-
tomed
would be necessary to but he had provided for this
to reside.
have a
level,
It
by proposing that the best line that the circumstances would admit of, should be difficulty
taken through the sewers which undermine the streets of the metropolis, and which, well
immediately
from the gas pipes which run above them, would form a
pleasant and
commodious
lighted
by
jets
in winter-time,
when
arcade, especially
the inconvenient custom
of carrying umbrellas,
now
so general, could
be
In reply to wholly dispensed with. another question, Professor Queerspeck stated that no substitute for the purposes to which
these arcades were at present devoted
had
yet occurred to him, but that he hoped no fanciful
objection on this head would be allowed
an undertaking. " Mr. Jobba produced a forcing-machine on a novel plan, for bringing joint-stock
to interfere with so great
of the
Mudfog Association.
The
prematurely to a premium. instrument was in the form of an elegant
gilt
weather-glass, of most dazzling appear-
railway shares
ance, after
was worked behind, by strings, the manner of a pantomime trick, the and
by the directors which the machine be-
strings being always pulled
of
the
longed. placed,
company
to
The quicksilver was that when the acting
so ingeniously directors held
shares in their pockets, figures denoting very small expenses and very large
returns ap-
peared upon the glass but the moment the directors parted with these pieces of paper, ;
the estimate of needful expenditure suddenly increased
itself to
statements
the
reduced
in the
an immense extent, while
of certain
same
never once 11
known
A Member
was
had been
some months it
to
past,
in constant
and he had
fail,
expressed his opinion that
extremely neat wished to know whether
it
became
Mr. Jobba
proportion.
stated that the machine requisition for
profits
and it
pretty.
was not
He
liable to
Report of the First Meeting
94
Mr. Jobba said derangement ? the whole machine was undoubtedly
accidental that
liable to
be blown up, but that was the
objection to "
only-
it,
Professor
Nogo
arrived
from
the
anatomical section to exhibit a model of a
which could be fixed
safety fire-escape,
at
than half an hour, and by means of which, the youngest or most infirm
any time,
in less
persons (successfully resisting the progress of the flames until it was quite ready) could be preserved if they merely balanced themselves for a few minutes on the
bed-room window, and got
sill
of their
into the escape
The
Pro-
of boys
who
without falling into the street. fessor stated that the
number
had been
the daytime by this
rescued
in
machine from houses which were not on
was almost
incredible.
Not a
fire,
conflagration
London
had occurred
in
many months
past to which the escape had
the whole of
for
not been carried on the very next day, and
put
in action before a
concourse of persons.
of the Mudfog Association. "
The President
was not some
95
inquired whether there
difficulty in ascertaining
which
was the top of the machine, and which the bottom, in cases of pressing emergency. "
Nogo
Professor
course
that
of
could not be expected to act quite
it
as well
explained
when
was not a
there
fire
was a
fire,
when
as
there
but in the former case he
;
would be of equal service whether the top were up or down."
thought
it
With the
our correspondent
last section
concludes his most able and faithful Report,
which
him
will
never cease to
reflect credit
for his scientific attainments,
upon and upon
us for our enterprising spirit. It is needless to take a review of the subjects which have
been discussed
have been examined which they have
The
and
;
of the
elicited.
before the world, and to consider,
mode
of the
;
we
in
which they
great truths
They
are
now
leave them to read,
to profit.
place of meeting for next year has
Report of the First Meeting.
96
undergone discussion, and has at length been decided, regard being had to, and evidence being taken upon, the goodness of its wines, the supply of its markets, the hospitality of its
We
and the quality of
inhabitants,
its
hotels.
at this next
meeting our correspondent may again be present, and that we may be once more the means of placing his com-
hope
munications before the world. period this
to
we have been
Until
that
prevailed upon to allow
number of our Miscellany the public, or wholesaled
to
be retailed
to the trade,
without any advance upon our usual price.
We
have
only to add, that the com-
now broken
and that Mudfog is once again restored to its accustomed that Professors and Members tranquillity, mittees are
up,
—
have had
and suppers, and great mutual complimentations, and have at and
balls,
length dispersed
soirdes,
to their several
homes,
—
whither all good wishes and joys attend them, until next year Boz. Signed !
FULL
KEPOBT OF THE SECOND MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING.
In October
last,
we
did ourselves the immor-
credit of recording, at
tal
an enormous ex-
pense, and by dint of exertions unparalleled in
the
history of periodical publication, the
Mudfog Association
for
of Everything, which
in
proceedings of the the
Advancement
that
month held
its
first
great
half-yearly
meeting, to the wonder and delight of the whole empire. announced at the con-
We
clusion of
that extraordinary
markable Report, that
when
and most the
re-
Second
Meeting of the Society should take place, we should be found again at our post, renewing our gigantic and spirited endeavours, and once more making the world ring with the 7
Report of the Second Meeting
98
accuracy, authenticity, immeasurable superi-
and intense remarkability of our account
ority,
of
its
pledge, to
In redemption of this
proceedings.
we caused
Oldcastle
be despatched per steam which place this second
to
(at
meeting of the Society was held on the 20th instant),
same
the
gentleman who
superhumanly-endowed
furnished the former report,
and who,
—gifted by nature with transcendent
abilities,
and furnished by us with a body of
assistants scarcely
inferior to
forwarded a series of fulness of
letters,
description,
himself,
— has
which, for faith-
power of language,
fervour of thought, happiness of expression,
and importance of subject-matter, have no equal in the epistolary literature of any age or country.
We
give this gentleman's cor-
respondence entire, and it reached our office.
in the
order in which
" Saloon of Steamer Thursday night, half-past eight. ,
"
When
evening
I
left
in the
New Burlington hackney
Street this
cabriolet,
number
of the Mudfog Association.
99
four thousand two hundred and eighty-five,
experienced sensations as novel as they sense of the importance were oppressive.
I
A
of the task
that still,
had undertaken, a consciousness
I
was leaving London, and, stranger going somewhere else, a feeling of loneI
and a sensation of
liness
wildered
me
dered
my
quite be-
thoughts, and for a time ren-
even insensible
my carpet-bag
jolting,
to the presence of
and hat-box.
I
shall
grateful to the driver of a Blackwall
ever
feel
omnibus
who, by thrusting the pole of his vehicle through the small door of the cabriolet,
awakened me from a tumult of imaginings But of such
that are wholly indescribable.
materials "
I
is
our imperfect nature composed
am happy
to say that
I
am
the
!
first
passenger on board, and shall thus be enabled to give you an account of all that happens in the order of its occurrence. The chimney is
smoking a good deal, and so are the crew and the captain, I am informed, is very drunk ;
ioo
Report of the Second Meeting
a
house upon deck, something like a black turnpike. I should infer from all I in
little
hear that he has got the steam up. "
ings
You I
berth
will
readily guess with
what
feel-
have just made the discovery that is
in the
same
closet with those
my
engaged
by Professor Woodensconce, Mr. Slug, and Professor Grime. Professor Woodensconce has taken the shelf above me, and Mr. Slug and Professor Grime the two shelves oppo-
Their luggage has already arrived. On Mr. Slug's bed is a long tin tube of about
site.
three inches in diameter, carefully closed at
both ends. powerful
What
can this contain
instrument of a
new
?
Some
construction,
doubtless. " Ten minutes past nine.
"
Nobody has thing fresh come
yet arrived, nor has anyin
my way
except several
and mutton, from which I conclude that a good plain dinner has been pro-
joints of beef
vided for to-morrow.
There
is
a singular
of the Mudfog Association.
me some
smell below, which gave at first
there,
but as the steward says
;
and never goes away,
fortable again.
uneasiness it is
iliÂŤ?di
always
"quite
cpfrii-
man
h^-;
learn /from jth$3-
I
101
'
the different sections
wii'l
be distributed
Boy and Stomach-ache, and
the Black
Boot-jack and Countenance.
gence be true (and it),
your readers
I
write
will
occur to
me, or as
knowledge,
may I
down
in
the
If this intelli-
have no reason to doubt
I
draw such conclusions
as their different opinions "
at
may
these
the facts
order that
my
suggest.
remarks as they
come
first
to
my
impressions
lose nothing of their original vividness.
shall
despatch them
in small
packets as
,,
opportunities arise. "
"
Some dark
upon the wharf.
Half-past
nine.
has just appeared think it is a travelling
object I
carriage ." "
"
No,
it
isn't."
A
quarter
to ten.
102
Report of the Second Meeting
"
ten.
Half-past u
'-'
Tj if- passengers are pouring in every instant -Four omnibuses full have just arrived
upon the wharf, and all is bustle and activity. The noise and confusion are very great. Cloths are laid in the cabins, and the steward is
at
placing blue plates-full of knobs of cheese
equal distances
He
tables.
down
the centre of
the
many knobs
but,
drops a great
being used to great dexterity, sleeve,
throws them back into
He
a young
is
man
sessing appearance
but
I
"
;
it, picks them up again with and, after wiping them on his
the
plates.
of exceedingly prepos-
— either dirty or a mulatto,
think the former.
An
interesting old gentleman,
who came
an omnibus, has just quarrelled violently with the porters, and is staggering towards the vessel with a large to the
wharf
in
trunk in his arms.
may
reach
it
I
in safety
and hope that he but the board he has
trust ;
of the Mtidfog Association. to cross
splash
is
narrow and
Was
slippery.
Gracious powers
?
103 that a
!
have just returned from the deck. The trunk is standing upon the extreme brink of 11
1
the wharf, but the old gentleman
is
nowhere
The watchman is not sure whehe went down or not, but promises to
to be seen.
ther
drag for him the
first
May his humane
ing.
"
Professor
Nogo
thing to-morrow mornefforts
prove successful
has this
!
moment arrived
He
with his nightcap on under his hat.
has
ordered a glass of cold brandy and water, with a hard biscuit and a bason, and has gone straight to bed. "
The
whom
What
can this
mean
?
three other scientific gentlemen to
have already alluded have come on board, and have all tried their beds, with the I
exception of Professor Woodensconce, sleeps in one of the top ones, into
it.
top one,
have
his
Mr. Slug, who sleeps is
unable to get out of
who
and cant get in his,
the other
and
is
supper handed up by a boy.
to I
1
Report of the Second Meeting
04
have had the honour to introduce myself to these gentlemen, and we have amicably arranged the order in which we shall retire to rest which it is necessary to agree upon, ;
because, although the cabin able, there
is
not
room
very comfortmore than one
is
for
gentleman to be out of bed at a time, and even he must take his boots off in the passage. "
As
I
anticipated, the
were provided
now
are
knobs of cheese
for the passengers' supper,
in course of
and
Your
consumption.
readers will be surprised to hear that Professor
Woodensconce
cheese for eight
has
years,
abstained
although he takes
butter in considerable quantities.
Grime having
from
Professor
lost several teeth, is unable,
I
observe, to eat his crusts without previously
soaking them
in his bottled
porter.
interesting are these peculiarities "
"
How
" !
Half-past
eleven.
Professors Woodensconce and Grime,
with a degree of good humour that delights
of the Mudfog Association.
105
have just arranged to toss for a bottle of mulled port. There has been some discusus
all,
sion whether the
by the
first
payment should be decided
toss or the best out of
three.
Eventually the latter course has been determined on. Deeply do I wish that both gen-
tlemen could win I
as
own
that
an
either
my
;
but that being impossible,
personal aspirations
individual,
and do
you or your readers by
of feeling) are with Professor I
(I
speak
not compromise this expression
Woodensconce.
have backed that gentleman to the amount
of eighteenpence." " 11
Professor
Twenty minutes
Grime
to twelve.
has
inadvertently tossed his half-crown out of one of the cabin-
windows, and
it
on any side
any amount, but there are no
has been arranged that the steward shall toss for him. Bets are offered to
takers. i]
1
Professor
woman
;'
Woodensconce has
just called
but the coin having lodged in a
1
06
Report of the Second Meeting
beam,
is
a
long time coming
The
interest
ment
are
and suspense of
this
" Twelve
The
again.
one mo-
beyond anything that can be ima-
gined/' "
down
o'clock.
smoking on the table before me, and Professor Grime has won. Tossing is a game of chance but on every mulled port
is
;
ground, whether of public or private character,
intellectual
attainments,
I
endowments, or
cannot
opinion that Professor
have come
and
my
There
is
to
an exul-
Grime incompatible,
I
with true greatness." "
"
expressing
Woodensconce ought
off victorious.
tation about Professor fear,
help
scientific
A
quarter past twelve.
Professor Grime continues to boast of his victory in
to exult,
no very mea-
sured terms, observing that he always does win, and that he knew it would be a head '
'
beforehand, with similar nature.
many
other remarks of a
Surely this gentleman
is
not
Mudfog Association.
of the
107
so lost to every feeling of decency and pro-
and know the superiority Is Professor of Professor Woodensconce ? priety as not to feel
Grime insane minded
or does he wish to be re-
?
language of his true
in plain
'position
and the precise level of his acquirements and abilities ? Professor Grime will in society,
do well
to look to this." "
" is
I
am
writing in bed.
illuminated
by the
The
One
o'clock.
small cabin
feeble light of a flicker-
ing lamp suspended from the ceiling; Professor
Grime
is
on the broad of open.
The
The
lying on the opposite shelf his back, with his
scene
is
mouth wide
indescribably solemn.
rippling of the tide, the noise of the
sailors' feet
river, the
overhead, the gruff voices on the
dogs on the shore, the snoring of
the passengers, and a constant creaking of
every plank in the vessel, are the only sounds that
meet the
all is
profound
ear.
With
silence.
these exceptions,
Report of the Second Meeting
108 "
My
been within the
curiosity has
moment very much
last
Mr. Slug, who
excited.
above Professor Grime, has cautiously withdrawn the curtains of his berth, and, lies
after looking anxiously out, as
if
to satisfy
himself that his companions are asleep, has
taken up the spoken, and
What
tin
is
tube of which
regarding
it
I
with great interest.
rare mechanical combination
contained in that mysterious case dently a profound secret to "
"
have before
?
can be It is evi-
all."
A
quarter past one.
The
behaviour of Mr. Slug grows more and more mysterious. He has unscrewed the
top
of the tube, and
now renews
his
observations upon his companions, evidently to
make
He
is
sure that he
is
wholly unobserved.
on the eve of some great exPray heaven that it be not a
clearly
periment.
dangerous one but the interests of science must be promoted, and I am prepared for the ;
worst/'
of the Mudfog Association.
109
" Five minutes
"
later.
He
has produced a large pair of scissors, and drawn a roll of some substance, not unlike
parchment
in
appearance, from the tin
The experiment
case.
must
is
about to begin.
I
eyes to the utmost, in the attempt to follow its minutest operation." strain
my
" "
have
I
Twenty minutes
at length
been enabled to ascer-
tain that the tin tube contains a
some
celebrated plaster,
few yards of
recommended
discover on regarding the label
through
my
— eye-glass- as
against sea-sickness. into small portions,
over himself
in
before two.
a
I
attentively
preservative
Mr. Slug has cut it up and is now sticking it
every direction." " Three
"
— as
o'clock.
Precisely a quarter of an hour ago we
weighed anchor, and the machinery was suddenly put in motion with a noise so appalling, that Professor Woodensconce (who had ascended to
his berth
by means of a platform
1
Report of the Second Meeting
10
of carpet bags arranged by himself on geometrical principles) darted from his shelf head
foremost, and, gaining his feet with
all
the
of extreme terror, ran wildly into
rapidity
the ladies' cabin, under the impression that
we were aid.
I
sued
and uttering loud cries for assured that the scene which en-
sinking,
am
baffles all description.
hundred and forty-seven
There were one
ladies in their re-
spective berths at the time. "
Mr. Slug has remarked, as an additional instance of the extreme ingenuity of the steam-engine as applied to purposes of navigation, that in whatever part of the vessel a passenger's berth
may be
situated, the machi-
nery always appears to be exactly under his pillow. ful,
He
intends stating this very beauti-
though simple discovery, to the associa-
tion." "
"
We are
say, in as
still
in
Half-past
smooth water
;
three.
that
is
to
smooth water as a steam-vessel ever
of the Mudfog Association. can be,
for,
has just
as Professor
woke
1 1 1
Woodensconce (who
up) learnedly remarks, another
great point of ingenuity about a steamer that
is,
always carries a little storm with it. can scarcely conceive how exciting the
it
You
jerking pulsation of the ship becomes.
a matter of positive "
"
I
plaster
regret
difficulty to
It is
get to sleep."
Friday afternoon, six
o'clock.
you that Mr. Slugs has proved of no avail. He is in to inform
great agony, but has applied several large, additional pieces notwithstanding. fecting
is
this
How
T
af-
extreme devotion to science
and pursuit of knowledge under the most trying circumstances "
ing,
!
We
were extremely happy this mornand the breakfast was one of the most
animated description.
Nothing unpleasant occurred until noon, with the exception of Doctor Foxey
s
brown
silk
umbrella
and
white hat becoming entangled in the machinery while he was explaining to a knot of
H2
Report of the Second Meeting
ladies the construction of the steam-engine. I
fear the
We
gravy soup
was
for lunch
injudi-
a great many passengers almost immediately afterwards." cious.
lost
"
"
I
am again
in bed.
Half-past
six.
Anything so heart-
rending as Mr. Slug s sufferings yet been my lot to witness." "
it
has never
Seven
dclock.
"A
messenger has just come down for a clean pocket-handkerchief from Professor
Woodensconce s
bag, that unfortunate gentle-
man
being quite unable to leave the deck, and imploring constantly to be thrown overboard.
From
this
man
I
understand that
Professor Nogo, though in a state of utter exhaustion, clings feebly to the hard biscuit
and cold brandy and water, under the impression that they will yet restore him. Such is the triumph of mind over matter. " Professor Grime is in bed, to
ance quite well
;
but he will
all
eat,
appear-
and
it
is
of the Mudfog Association.
113
disagreeable to see him. Has this gentleman no sympathy with the sufferings of his fellowcreatures
he
?
call for
he has, on what principle can " mutton-chops and smile ? If
—
" Black
Boy and Stomach-ache Oldcastle,
"
You
will
be happy to learn that
at length arrived is
lodgings and hotels are
intellect that is in
"
filled
all
I
have
The town
here in safety.
excessively crowded, and
both sexes.
',
Saturday noon.
the private
with savans of
The tremendous assemblage one encounters
in
of
every street
the last degree overwhelming. Notwithstanding the throng of people
have been fortunate enough to meet with very comfortable accommodation on here,
I
very reasonable terms, having secured a sofa in the first-floor passage at one guinea per
which includes permission to take my meals in the bar, on condition that I walk
night,
about the streets at
room
for other
all
other times, to
gentlemen similarly
make
situated. 8
H4 I
Report of the Second Meeting
have been over the outhouses intended to
be devoted
to
the reception of the various
both here and at the Boot-jack and Countenance, and am much delighted with
sections,
the arrangements.
Nothing can exceed the fresh appearance of the saw-dust with which the floors are sprinkled.
The
forms are of
unplaned deal, and the general effect, as you can well imagine, is extremely beautiful." "
"
The number and
Half-past
nine.
rapidity of the arrivals
are quite bewildering.
Within the
last ten
minutes a stage-coach has driven up to the door, filled inside and out with distinguished characters,
comprising
Mr.
Muddlebranes,
Mr. Drawley, Professor Muff, Mr. X. Misty, Mr. X. X. Misty, Mr. Purblind, Professor
Rummun, The Honourable and Reverend Mr. Long Eers, Professor John Ketch, Sir William Joltered, Doctor Buffer, Mr. Smith (of London),
Hookham
Mr. Brown (of Edinburgh), Sir
Snivey, and Professor Pumpkin-
'
of the Mudfog Association.
The ten
skull.
115
last-named gentlemen were wet
through, and looked extremely intelligent." " "
Sunday, two
d clock, p.m.
The Honourable and Reverend Mr.
accompanied by Sir William Joltered, walked and drove this morning.
Long
Eers,
They accomplished and the rally "
latter in
the former feat in boots,
a hired
given rise to
much
fly.
This has natu-
discussion.
have just learnt that an interview has taken place at the Boot-jack and Countenance I
between Sowster, the active and
intelligent
beadle of this place, and Professor Pumpkinskull, who, as your readers are doubtless aware, I
to
an
is
influential
member
forbear to communicate
which
has given
this
of the council.
any of the rumours
very extraordinary proceeding I have seen Sowster, and
rise until
endeavoured to ascertain the truth from him." " "
I
engaged
a
Half-past six.
donkey-chaise
after writing the above,
shortly
and proceeded
at a
1 1
Report of the Second Meeting
6
brisk trot in the direction of Sowster's resi-
dence, passing through a beautiful expanse of
country,
with
red
brick
buildings
on
and
stopping in the marketplace to observe the spot where Mr. KwakIt is an ley's hat was blown off yesterday. either
side,
uneven piece of paving, but has certainly no appearance which would lead one to suppose that
any such event had recently occurred
there.
From
— passing tallow-melter's — to a lane
this point
the gas-works and
I
proceeded
which had been pointed out to me as the beadle's place of residence and before I had ;
driven a dozen yards further, fortune to
I
had the good
meet Sowster himself advancing
towards me. "
Sowster
is
a fat man, with a more en-
larged development of that peculiar conformation of countenance which is vulgarly
termed a double chin than have ever seen before.
He
I
remember
to
has also a very
red nose, which he attributes to a habit of
of the Mudfog Association. early rising
— so
explanation
I
red, indeed, that
117
but for this
should have supposed
it
to
He inproceed from occasional inebriety. formed me that he did not feel himself at what had passed between himself and Professor Pumpkinskull, but had
liberty to relate
no objection to state that
was connected
it
with a matter of police regulation, and added with peculiar significance Never wos sitch '
times "
' !
You
will easily believe that this intelli-
gave me considerable surprise, not wholly unmixed with anxiety, and that I lost no time in waiting on Professor Pumpkin-
gence
and stating the object of my visit. After a few moments' reflection, the Professor, skull,
who,
I
am bound
to say,
behaved with the
utmost politeness, openly avowed the passage in
Sowster
to
;
that he
attend on the
the Boot-jack
boys
italics)
and
had
(I
mark
requested
Monday morning at
Countenance, to keep off the
and that he hadfurther
desired that the
1 1
Report of the Second Meeting
8
under-beadle might be stationed, with the same object, at the "
Now
I
Black Boy and Stomach-ache ! leave this unconstitutional pro-
ceeding to your comments and the consideration of your readers. I have yet to learn that a beadle, without the precincts of a church, churchyard, or workhouse, and acting
under the express orders of churchwardens and overseers in council
otherwise
than
assembled, to enforce the law against people who come upon the parish, and other offen-
any lawful authority whatever over the rising youth of this country. I have yet
ders, has
be called out by exercise a domination and
to learn that a beadle can
any
civilian
to
I have despotism over the boys of Britain. yet to learn that a beadle will be permitted
by the commissioners of poor law regulation to wear out the soles and heels of his boots in
illegal
interference with the
liberties
of
people not proved poor or otherwise criminal. I have yet to learn that a beadle has power
of the Mudfog Association.
119
up the Queen's highway at his will and pleasure, or that the whole width of the
to stop
street
or
not free and open to any man, boy,
is
woman
in existence,
houses — ay,
to the very walls
up
be they Black Boys and Stornach-aches, or Boot-jacks and Counte-
of the
I
nances,
care not."
"Nine "
have procured a
I
o'clock.
local artist to
make
a
sketch of the tyrant Sowster, which,
faithful
as he has acquired this infamous celebrity,
no doubt wish to have engraved
will
you
for
the purpose of presenting a copy with every
copy of your next number.
The life,
enclose
I
it.
under-beadle has consented to write his but
"
it is
to
be
strictly
The accompanying
from the
Even
if
likeness
is
of course
and complete in every respect. had been totally ignorant of the
life,
I
man's real character, and before
anonymous.
me
had been placed without remark, I should have
shuddered involuntarily.
it
There
is
an intense
1
20
Report of the Second Meeting
malignity of expression in the features, and a baleful ferocity of purpose in the ruffian's eye, is
His whole
which appals and sickens.
rampant with
cruelty, nor is the
characteristic of his
stomach
less
demoniac propensities." "
"
air
Monday.
The
I great day has at length arrived. have neither eyes, nor ears, nor pens, nor ink,
nor paper, for anything but the wonderful proceedings that have astounded my senses.
me
Let
collect
my
energies and proceed to
the account. " Section
A.— Zoology and
Botany.
FRONT PARLOUR, BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE. Vice-Presidents President— Six William Joltered. Muddlebranes and Mr. Drawley.
"
— Mr.
Mr. X. X. Misty communicated some
remarks on the disappearance of dancing bears from the streets of London, with observations
on the
connected
with
exhibition
of
barrel-organs.
had observed, with
feelings
monkeys
The
as
writer
of the utmost
Thv Tyrant SowSter
%
of the
Mudfog Association.
pain and regret, that
1
23
some years ago a sud-
den and unaccountable change taste took place with reference
in the public
to itinerant
who, being discountenanced by the populace, gradually fell off one by one from bears,
the streets of the metropolis, until not one
remained to create a taste in the breasts of the
One
indeed,
bear,
for natural history
poor and uninstructed.
—a
brown
and
ragged haunts of about the lingered his former triumphs, with a worn and dejected animal, — had
visage and feeble limbs, and had essayed to wield his quarter-staff for the amusement of the multitude
;
but hunger, and an utter want
of any due recompense for his abilities, had at length driven
him from the
field,
was only too probable that he had sacrifice to the
and
it
fallen a
rising taste for grease.
He
regretted to add that a similar, and no less
lamentable,
change
had
taken place with
These delightful monkeys. animals had formerly been almost as plentiful
reference
to
Report of the Second Meeting
124
as the organs on the tops of which they
accustomed to
sit
;
were
the proportion in the year
appeared by the parliamentary return) being as one monkey to three organs. Owing, however, to an altered taste in musical in1829
(it
struments, and the substitution, in
a great
measure, of narrow boxes of music for organs,
which
the
monkeys nothing to sit upon, source of public amusement was wholly
this
left
dried up.
deepest national
it
Considering
in
importance,
education, that
a matter of the connection
the
with
people should
not lose such opportunities of making themselves acquainted with the manners and
customs of two most interesting species of animals, the author submitted that some
measures should be
immediately taken for
the restoration of these pleasing and truly intellectual "
amusements.
The
President inquired by what means the honourable member proposed to attain this
most desirable end
?
of the "
Mudfog Association.
The Author and
most
fully
Her
Majesty's
submitted that
it
125 could be
satisfactorily accomplished, if
Government would cause
to
be brought over to England, and maintained at the public expense, and for the public amusement, such a number of bears as would enable every quarter of the town to be visited
— say
at least
difficulty
No
by three bears a week.
whatever need be experienced
providing a
fitting place for
these animals, as a
in
the reception of
commodious bear-garden
could be erected in the immediate neighbour-
hood of both Houses of Parliament
;
obvi-
ously the most proper and eligible spot for
such an establishment. "
Professor
Mull
doubted very much
whether any correct ideas of natural history were propagated by the means to which the honourable
On
member had
so ably adverted.
the contrary, he believed that they had
been the means of diffusing very incorrect He and imperfect notions on the subject.
Report of the Second Meeting
126
spoke from personal observation and personal experience, when he said that many children of great abilities had been induced to believe,
from what they had observed in the streets, at and before the period to which the honourable gentleman had referred, that
monkeys
red coats and spangles, and that
were born
in
their hats
and feathers
He
all
wished to know
also
came by
distinctly
nature.
whether the
honourable gentleman attributed the want of encouragement the bears had met with to the decline of public taste in that respect, or to
a want of ability on the part of the bears themselves ? "
Mr. X. X. Misty
replied, that
he could
not bring himself to believe but that there must be a great deal of floating talent among the bears and
monkeys generally
;
which, in
the absence of any proper encouragement,
was dispersed in other directions. " Professor Pumpkinskull wished
to
take that opportunity of calling the attention
of
the
Mudfog Association.
of the section to a
1
27
most important and serious
The
author of the treatise just read had alluded to the prevalent taste for bears'-
point.
grease as a means of promoting the growth of hair, which undoubtedly
very great and (as alarming extent. that section could
it
diffused to a
appeared to him) very
No fail
was
to
gentleman attending be aware of the fact
that the youth of the present age evinced, their behaviour in the streets,
and
by
at all places
of public resort, a considerable lack of that
and gentlemanly feeling which, in more ignorant times, had been thought be-
gallantry
coming.
He
wished to know whether
were possible that a constant outward cation of bears '-grease
men
by
the
young
it
appli-
gentle-
about town had imperceptibly infused
unhappy persons something of the He shudnature and quality of the bear.
into those
dered as he threw out the remark
;
but
if
on inquiry, should prove to be well-founded, it would at once explain a great
this
theory,
128
Report of the Second Meeting
deal of unpleasant eccentricity of behaviour,
some
which, without
such
discovery,
was
wholly unaccountable.
"The
President highly complimented the learned gentleman on his most valuable suggestion, which produced the greatest effect
upon the assembly and remarked that only a week previous he had seen some young ;
gentlemen at a theatre eyeing a box of ladies with a fierce intensity, which nothing but the influence of possibly explain. that our youth
some It
brutish appetite could
was dreadful
to reflect
were so rapidly verging
into
generation of bears. " After a scene of scientific enthusiasm
was resolved
a
it
that this
important question should be immediately submitted to the consideration of the council. "
The
President wished
to
know whe-
ther any gentleman could inform the section
what had become of the dancing- dogs " A Member replied, after some
?
hesit^-
of the
Mudfog
Association.
129
on the day after three glee-singers had been committed to prison as criminals by a late most zealous police-magistrate of tion, that
the metropolis, the dogs had abandoned their
and dispersed themselves quarters of the town to gain a
professional duties, in different
livelihood
was given
He dangerous means. understand that since that
less
by to
period they had lying in wait for
themselves by
supported
and robbing blind mens
poodles. "
Mr. Flummery
exhibited a twig, claim-
ing to be a veritable branch of that noble tree
known
to
Shak-
as the
naturalists
speare, which has taken root in every land
and
climate,
and gathered under the shade of
broad green boughs the great family of mankind. The learned gentleman remarked its
had been undoubtedly called by other names in its time but that it had been that the twig
;
pointed
out
to
him
Warwickshire, where
by an the
old
lady
great tree 9
in
had
1
Report of the Second Meeting
30
grown, as a shoot of the genuine Shakspeare, by which name he begged to introduce it to his
countrymen. "
The
President wished to know what
botanical definition the honourable gentleman
could afford of the curiosity. "
that
Mr. Flummery expressed it
his opinion
was a decided plant.
" Section B.
— Display
of Models and Mechanical Science.
large room, boot-jack and countenance. President
— Mr. Mallett.
Vice-Presidents
— Messrs. Leaver
and Scroo.
" ful
Mr. Crinkles exhibited a most
and
than
delicate machine, of
an ordinary
little
snuff-box,
beauti-
larger size
manufactured
and composed exclusively of steel, by the aid of which more pockets could be picked in one hour than by the pre-
entirely
by
himself,
sent slow and tedious process in four-and-
twenty.
The
inventor remarked that
been put into active operation
it
had
in Fleet Street,
of
the
Mudfog Association.
131
the Strand, and other thoroughfares, and had
never been once known to "
fail.
After some slight delay, occasioned by
the various
members
of the section buttoning
their pockets, "
The President
narrowly inspected the invention, and declared that he had never seen a machine of more beautiful or exquisite
Would
construction.
enough
the inventor be good
to inform the section
whether he had
taken any and what means for bringing into general operation "
Mr. Crinkles
it
?
stated
that,
after
en-
countering some preliminary difficulties, he had succeeded in putting himself in communication with Mr. Fogle Hunter, and other
gentlemen connected with the swell mob, who had awarded the invention the very highest and most unqualified approbation.
He
regretted to say, however, that these dis-
tinguished practitioners, in
gentleman
of
the
name
common of
with a
Gimlet-eyed
Report of the Second Meeting
132
Tommy, and
other
members
grade of the profession
of a secondary
whom
he was under-
stood to represent, entertained an insuperable objection to use,
its
being brought into general
on the ground that
inevitable
effect of
it
would have the
almost
entirely super-
seding manual labour, and throwing a great
number of highly-deserving persons out
of
employment. " The President hoped that no such fanciful objections would be allowed to stand in the
way
of such a great public improve-
ment. "
Mr. Crinkles hoped
feared that
mob
if
so too
the gentlemen
;
but he
of the swell
persevered in their objection, nothing
could be done. " in
Professor Grime suggested, that surely,
that
case,
Her
Majesty's
might be prevailed upon to take "
Mr. Crinkles
were found
to
said, that
if
government it
up.
the objection
be insuperable he should apply
of
the
to parliament, fail
Mudfog
Association.
133
which he thought could not
to recognise the utility of the invention. "
The President
observed
that,
up
to
parliament had certainly got on very well without it but, as they did their business on a very large scale, he had no this time
;
doubt they would gladly adopt the improveHis only fear was that the machine ment.
might be worn out by constant working. " Mr. Coppernose called the attention of the section to a proposition of great magni-
tude and interest, illustrated by a vast number of models, and stated with much clearness
and perspicuity in a treatise entitled Practical Suggestions on the necessity of providing '
some harmless and wholesome
relaxation for
the young noblemen of England/
His pro-
position was, that a space of less
than
ten miles in
ground of not length and four in
breadth should be purchased by a new company, to be incorporated by Act of Parliament, and inclosed by a brick wall of not less
Report of the Second Meeting
134
than twelve feet
He
in height.
proposed should be laid out with highway roads, turnpikes, bridges, miniature villages, and
that
it
every object that could conduce to the comfort and glory of Four-in-hand Clubs, so that they might be fairly presumed to require no drive
would be
fitted
and extensive
This
it
beyond
delightful
retreat
up with most commodious
stables, for the
convenience of
such of the nobility and gentry as had a taste for ostlering, and with houses of entertain-
ment furnished
handsome
style.
the most expensive and
in
It
would be further pro-
vided with whole streets of door-knockers
and bell-handles of extra
size,
so constructed
they could be easily wrenched off at night, and regularly screwed on again, by
that
attendants provided for the purpose, every day. glass,
There would
be gas lamps of real which could be broken at a compara-
tively small
also
expense per dozen, and a broad
and handsome
foot
pavement
for
gentlemen
of the Mudfog Association. to drive their cabriolets
— humorously disposed
135
upon when they were for the full
enjoyment
of which feat live pedestrians would be pro-
cured from the workhouse at a very small
charge per head. The place being inclosed, and carefully screened from the intrusion of the public, there would be no objection to
gentlemen laying aside any article of their costume that was considered to interfere with a pleasant
frolic, or,
indeed, to their walking
about without any costume at all, if they liked that better. In short, every facility of enjoy-
ment would be afforded
most gentlemanly person could possibly desire. But as even these advantages would be incomplete unless there were
that the
some means provided of
enabling the nobility and gentry to display
when they sallied forth after and as some inconvenience might be
their prowess
dinner,
experienced in the event of their being reduced tp the necessity of pummelling each other, the inventor
had turned
his attention
Report of the Second Meeting
136
to the construction of an entirely force,
composed exclusively
figures,
street, in in
Signor
Gagliardi,
of Windmill-
the Haymarket, he had succeeded
making with such
nicety, that a policeman,
woman, made upon the of the models exhibited, would walk
cab-driver,
principle
police
automaton
with the assistance of the
which,
ingenious
of
new
or old
about until knocked nay, more,
if
set
down
like
any
real
upon and beaten by
eight noblemen or gentlemen, after
man
;
six or it
was
down, the figure would utter divers groans, mingled
with
rendering the
entreaties illusion
enjoyment perfect. not stop even here be
built,
for
thus
mercy,
complete,
and
the
But the invention did ;
for station-houses
would
containing good beds for noblemen
and gentlemen during the night, and in the morning they would repair to a commodious police office,
where a pantomimic
investiga-
would take place before the automaton who would quite equal to life, magistrates, tion
—
—
of fine
them
the
in
Mudfog
so
many
Association.
1
37
counters, with which
they would be previously provided for the
This
purpose.
office
would be furnished
with an inclined plane, for the convenience of
any nobleman or gentleman who might wish to bring in his horse as a witness and the ;
prisoners would be at perfect liberty, as they were now, to interrupt the complainants as
much
as
make any The they thought proper.
they pleased, and
remarks that
to
charge for these amusements would amount to very
little
more than they already
cost,
and the inventor submitted that the public would be much benefited and comforted by the proposed arrangement. "
Professor Nogo wished
what amount of automaton proposed to raise "
to
be informed
police force
it
was
in the first instance.
Mr. Coppernose
replied,
that
it
was
proposed to begin with seven divisions of police of a score each, lettered from A to G inclusive.
It
was proposed that not more
1
Report of the Second Meeting
38
than half this number should be placed on active duty, and that the remainder should be
kept on shelves
in
the police office ready to
be called out at a moment's notice. "
The
President, awarding the utmost
merit to the ingenious gentleman
who had
doubted whether
originated the
idea,
automaton
police
purpose.
He
would quite answer the feared that noblemen and
gentlemen would perhaps require the
ment of threshing living subjects. " Mr. Coppernose submitted,
the
excite-
that as the
usual odds in such cases were ten noblemen or gentlemen to one policeman or cab-driver, it
could
make very
little
difference in point
of excitement whether the policeman or cabdriver were a
man
or a block.
The
great
advantage would be, that a policeman's limbs might be all knocked off, and yet he would be a condition to do duty next day. He might even give his evidence next morning with
in
his
head
in his
hand, and give
it
equally well,
of the Mudfog Association. "
— Will
Professor Muff.
to ask
you,
sir,
you allow
of what materials
me
is
in-
shall
be
— The magistrates
will
tended that the magistrates' heads
composed ? " Mr. Coppernose.
139
it
and they will be made of the toughest and thickest materials that can possibly be obtained.
have wooden
"
Professor Muff.
This "
heads
is
trates "
—
course,
I
am
I
see but one objec-
quite satisfied.
a great invention.
Professor Nogo.
tion to
of
appears to
It
it.
—
ought to
me
that the magis-
talk.
Mr. Coppernose no sooner heard
this
suggestion than he touched a small spring in each of the two models of magistrates which
were placed upon the
table
;
one of the
began to exclaim with that he was sorry to see
figures immediately
great
volubility
gentlemen
in
to express
intoxicated.
such a situation, and the other
a fear that the policeman
was
Report of the Second Meeting
140 "
The
invention
to lay
"
with one accord, de-
with a shout of
clared
much
section, as
was complete
excited, retired it
and the President, with Mr. Coppernose ;
before the council.
Mr. Tickle
applause that the
On his
displayed
his
return,
newly-in-
vented spectacles, which enabled the wearer to discern, in very bright colours, objects at
a great distance, and rendered him wholly blind to those immediately before him. It was, he said, a most valuable and useful invention, based strictly
human
the
"
upon the principle of
eye.
The
President required some informaHe had yet to learn tion upon this point. that the human eye was remarkable for the peculiarities of
man had "
hear
which the honourable gentle-
spoken.
Mr. Tickle was this,
when
rather astonished to
the President could not
fail
number of most
be aware that a large excellent persons and great statesmen could to
of the Mttdfog Association. see,
with the naked
horrors on
West
most
eye,
1
41
marvellous
India plantations, while they
could discern nothing whatever in the interior of Manchester cotton mills.
He
must know,
with what quickness of perception most
too,
people could discover their neighbours
faults,
and how very blind they were to their own. If the President differed from the great majority of men in this respect, his eye was a defective one, and
Mr. Blank
fashionable plates,
gold
to assist his vision
exhibited
annual, leaf,
was
were made.
that these glasses "
it
and
a
composed silk boards,
model of a of
copper-
and worked
by milk and water. Mr. Prosee, after examining the ma-
entirely "
chine, declared
it
to
be so ingeniously com-
posed, that he was wholly unable to discover
how "
it
went on
at
Mr. Blank.
the beauty of
it.
all.
— Nobody can, and
that
is
Report of the Second Meeting
142
" Section C.
—Anatomy
and Medicine.
BAR ROOM, BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE. President
— Dr. Soemup.
Vice-Presidents
— Messrs. Pessell
and Mortair. "
Dr. Grummidge stated
to the section a
monomania, and described the course of treatment he had most interesting case
of
pursued with perfect success. The patient was a married lady in the middle rank of life,
who, having seen another lady at an evening party in a
full
seized with
suit of pearls,
a desire to
was suddenly
possess a similar
equipment, although her husband's finances
were by no means equal outlay. fell sick,
the necessary
Finding her wish ungratified, she and the symptoms soon became so
alarming, called
to
that
in.
At
he
(Dr.
this
Grummidge) was
period the prominent
tokens of the disorder were sullenness, a total indisposition to perform domestic duties, great
peevishness,
when
pearls
and
extreme
languor,
were mentioned,
at
except
which times
of the Mtidfog Association. the pulse quickened, the eyes the pupils dilated,
and the
grew
143
brighter,
patient, after vari-
ous incoherent exclamations,
burst
into
a
passion of tears, and exclaimed that nobody
cared for her, and that she wished herself
Finding that the patient's appetite was affected in the presence of company, he dead.
began by ordering a total abstinence from all stimulants, and forbidding any sustenance but weak gruel he then took twenty ounces of ;
blood, applied a blister under each ear, one
upon the chest, and another on the back having done which, and administered five ;
grains of calomel, he repose.
The
left
the patient to her
next day she was somewhat
low, but decidedly better,
and
of irritation were removed.
she improved again.
On
still
the
further,
fourth
all
appearances next day
The
and on the next there
was
some
appearance of a return of the old symptoms,
which no sooner developed themselves, than he administered another dose of calomel, and
Report of the Second Meeting
144 left
strict
orders that,
a decidedly
unless
favourable change occurred within two hours, the
should be immediately
head
patient's
shaved to the very
moment she began
last
From
curl
that
mend, and, in less than four-and-twenty hours was perfectly restored. She did not now betray the least emotion at to
the sight or mention of pearls or any other
ornaments.
She was
cheerful
humoured, and a most beneficial been effected
in
and goodchange had
her whole temperament and
condition.
"Mr. Pipkin (M.R.C.S.)
read a short
but most interesting communication
in
which
he sought to prove the complete belief of Sir William Courtenay, otherwise Thorn, recently shot at Canterbury, in the
pathic system.
mind
The
that one of the
section
Homoeo-
would bear
in
Homoeopathic doctrines
was, that infinitesimal doses of any medicine
which would occasion the disease under which the patient laboured, supposing him to be in
of the Mudfog Association. a healthy state, would cure
a remarkable
it. ,
145
it
was
in
the
Now,
circumstance — proved
evidence — that the deceased Thorn employed
a
woman
pail
him about
day with a of water, assuring her that one drop (a
purely
to follow
homoeopathic
?
the
remedy,
would observe), placed upon death, would restore him. obvious inference
all
section
his tongue, after
What was the That Thorn, who was
marching and countermarching in osier beds, and other swampy places, was impressed with a presentiment that he should be drowned
;
in
which
case,
had
his instructions
plied with,
he could not
brought to
life
prescription.
fail
to
been com-
have been
again instantly by his
As
it
was,
if
this
own
woman, or
any other person, had administered an infinitesimal dose of lead and gunpowder immediately after
forthwith.
he
fell,
he would have recovered
But unhappily the
woman
con-
cerned did not possess the power of reasoning by analogy, or carrying out a principle, 10
Report of the Second Meeting
146
and thus the unfortunate gentleman had been sacrificed to the ignorance of the peasantry. " Section D.
— Statistics.
OUT-HOUSE, BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE.
— Mr.
President
Vice-Presidents
Slug.
and "
Mr. Kwakley
most ingenious
qualification
ment
Noakes
Styles.
stated the result of
statistical
to the difference
— Messrs.
inquiries
some
relative
between the value of the
of several
members
as published to the world,
of Parlia-
and
its
real
nature and amount.
After reminding the section that every member of Parliament for
a town or borough was supposed to possess a clear freehold estate of three hundred pounds per annum, the honourable gentleman excited
great
stating the
amusement exact amount
and
laughter
by
of freehold pro-
perty possessed by a column of legislators, It apin which he had included himself.
peared from this table, that the amount of such income possessed by each was o pounds,
of the
o
Mudfog
Association.
147
and o pence, yielding an average of the same. It was (Great laughter.) shillings,
known
pretty well
that there
were accommo-
dating gentlemen in the habit of furnishing
new members with temporary to
the
they swore course as a mere matter of
ownership
— solemnly of He
form.
was wholly
qualifications,
of which
argued from these data that unnecessary
for
members
it
of
Parliament to possess any property at all, especially as when they had none the public could get them so
much
"Supplementary Section,
cheaper. E.
— Umbugology
and
DlTCHWATERISICS. President
— Mr. Grub.
Vice-Presidents
— Messrs. Dull and
Dummy.
A
paper was read by the secretary descriptive of a bay pony with one eye, which had been seen by the author standing in a ?
butchers
cart
Market.
The communication
at
the
corner of
Newgate
described the
author of the paper as having, in the prose-
Report of the Second Meeting
148
cution of a mercantile pursuit, betaken him-
one Saturday morning
self
Somers of
Town
which
last
summer from
Cheapside in the course expedition he had beheld the to
;
appearance above described. pony had one distinct eye, and it had
extraordinary
The
been pointed out to him by his friend Captain Blunderbore,
of
the
assisted the author in
Horse Marines, who his search, that when-
ever he winked this eye he whisked his (possibly to drive the
flies off),
tail
but that he
always winked and whisked at the same time. The animal was lean, spavined, and tottering
;
and the author proposed
to constitute
the family of Fitfordogsrneataurious. tainly did occur to
him
that there
it
of
It cer-
was no case
on record of a pony with one clearly-defined and distinct organ of vision, winking and whisking at the same moment. "
Mr. Q.
J.
Snuffletoffle had heard of
a pony winking his eye, and likewise of a pony whisking his tail, but whether they were
of the Mudfog Association.
149
two ponies or the same pony he could not
At all events, undertake positively to say. he was acquainted with no authenticated of
instance
a
simultaneous
winking
and
whisking, and he really could not but doubt the existence of such a marvellous pony in opposition to
all
those natural laws by which
ponies were governed. to the
mere question of
Referring, however, his
one organ of
might he suggest the possibility of this pony having been literally half asleep at the time he was seen, and having closed only
vision,
one eye. "
The
President observed
that,
whether
the pony was half asleep or fast asleep, there
could be no doubt that the association was
wide awake, and therefore that they had better get the business over, and go to dinner.
He
had
certainly never seen anything analo-
gous to this pony, but he was not prepared to doubt its existence for he had seen many ;
queerer ponies in his time, though he did not
Report of the Second Meeting
150
pretend to have seen any more remarkable donkeys than the other gentlemen around him.
"Professor John Ketch was then to exhibit the skull of the
upon
called
Mr.
late
Greenacre, which he produced from a blue bag, remarking, on being invited to
make any
observations that occurred to him,
'
that he'd
as that 'ere 'spectable section
had
never seed a more gamerer cove nor he " most animated discussion upon
vos.'
pound
it
A
interesting relic ensued
;
and,
some
this
difference
of opinion arising respecting the real character of the deceased gentleman, Mr. Blubb delivered a lecture upon the cranium before
him, clearly
showing
that
Mr.
Greenacre
possessed the organ of destructiveness to a most unusual extent, with a most remarkable
development of the organ of carveativeness. Sir
Hookham Snivey w as
combat
r
this
suddenly
opinion,
interrupted
proceeding
to
when Professor Ketch the
proceedings
by
of the Mttdfog Association.
151
exclaiming, with great excitement of manner, \
Walker "
' !
The President begged
to
call
the
learned gentleman to order. "
Professor Ketch.
'
Order be Mowed
!
It ain't you've got the wrong un, I tell you. no e'd at all it's a coker-nut as my brother-in;
law has been
baked
a-carvin', to
tatur-stall
hornament
wots a-comin down
the 'sociation's in the town.
Hand
his
new
'ere vile
over,
vill
'
you
?
"With
these
words,
Professor
Ketch
hastily repossessed himself of the cocoa-nut,
and drew
forth the skull, in mistake for
he had exhibited
it.
versation ensued
;
A
which
most interesting con-
but as there appeared some
doubt ultimately whether the skull was Mr. Greenacre's, or a hospital patient's, or a paupers, or a man's, or a woman's, or a monkey's, no particular result was obtained." "
I
cannot," says our talented correspon-
Report of the Second Meeting
152
dent
in
conclusion,
"
I
account of these) gigantic
cannot
etc.
*,
close
researches
my and
sublime and noble triumphs without repeating a bon mot of Professor Woodensconce's, which
shows how the greatest minds may occasionally unbend when truth can be presented to listening ears, clothed in an attractive
and
was standing by, when, after a week of feasting and feeding, that learned
playful form.
I
gentleman, accompanied by the whole body of wonderful men, entered the hall yesterday,
where a sumptuous dinner was prepared where the richest wines sparkled on the ;
board, and fat bucks to *
— learning sent
Ah
' !
sacrifices
forth their savoury odours.
said Professor
his hands,
what
— propitiatory
*
this is
Woodensconce, rubbing what we meet for this is ;
what keeps us tothis is the gether, and beckons us onward spread of science, and a glorious spread it is/ inspires us
;
this
is
;
'
THE PANTOMIME OF
Before we plunge headlong let
LIFE.
into this paper,
us at once confess to a fondness for panto-
mimes
— to
a gentle sympathy with
and
— pantaloons
tion
of
clowns
an unqualified admirato a harlequins and columbines to
—
chaste delight in every action of their brief existence, varied
and many-coloured as those
and inconsistent though they occasionally be with those rigid and formal rules of propriety which regulate the proactions are,
ceedings of meaner and less comprehensive
minds.
We
revel in
pantomimes
— not
be-
cause they dazzle one's eyes with tinsel and
gold leaf; not because they present to us, once again, the well-beloved chalked faces,
and goggle eyes of our childhood because, like Christmas-day, and
;
not even
Twelfth-
The Pantomime of
154
Life.
and Shrove-Tuesday, and ones own birthday, they come to us but once a year night,
— our attachment
;
is
founded on a graver and
A
a very different reason. pantomime is to us, a mirror of life nay more, we maintain ;
that
it
is
so to audiences generally, although
they are not aware of
it,
circumstance
secret
the
is
amusement and a street
:
this
very
cause of their
delight.
Let us take a is
and that
slight example.
The
scene
an elderly gentleman, with a large
and strongly marked features, appears. His countenance beams with a sunny smile,
face
and a perpetual dimple cheek.
He
is
is
on
his broad, red
evidently an opulent elderly
gentleman, comfortable well-to-do in the world.
in circumstances,
He
is
and
not unmindful
of the adornment of his person, for he
is
say gaudily, dressed and that he indulges to a reasonable extent in the richly, not to
;
pleasures of the table
the joyous and oily
may be
manner
in
inferred from
which he rubs
The Pantomime of his stomach,
155
Life.
by way of informing the
ence that he
is
£oin£
home
audi-
In
to dinner.
the fulness of his heart, in the fancied security of wealth, in the possession
and enjoy-
ment of
the elderly
all
good things of
the
gentleman suddenly loses stumbles.
How
life,
his
and
footing,
the audience roar
!
He
is
upon by a noisy and officious crowd, who buffet and cuff him unmercifully. They set
scream with delight
!
Every time the
elderly
gentleman struggles to get up, his relentless persecutors knock him
down
convulsed
again.
with
spectators
are
And when
at last the elderly
The
merriment
!
gentleman does
get up, and staggers away, despoiled of hat, wig, and clothing, himself battered to pieces,
and
watch and money gone, they are exhausted with laughter, and express their his
merriment and admiration
in
rounds of ap-
plause. Is this like life
any
real street
;
—
?
Change the scene
to the
to
Stock Exchange, or
The Pantomime of
156
the City bankers
Life.
the merchant's counting-
;
See
house, or even the tradesman's shop.
—
any one of these men fall, the more suddenly, and the nearer the zenith of his pride
and
riches, the better.
raised
over
What
a wild hallo
is
by the shouting mob how they whoop and yell as he lies humbled beneath them Mark how his
prostrate
carcase
;
!
eagerly they set upon him
when he
is
down
;
and how they mock and deride him as he slinks away.
Why,
it
is
the
pantomime
to
the very letter.
Of we
all
the pantomimic dramatis personce,
consider the pantaloon the most worthless
and debauched. one naturally his
Independent of the
dislike
seeing a gentleman of years engaged in pursuits highly unbe-
coming
feels at
his gravity
and time of
life,
we
cannot
conceal from ourselves the fact that he
is
a
treacherous, worldly-minded old villain, con-
younger companion, the clown, into acts of fraud or petty larceny, and
stantly enticing his
The Pantomime of
157
Life.
generally standing aside to watch the result of the
If
enterprise.
it
be successful, he
never forgets to return for his share of the spoil but if it turn out a failure, he generally ;
retires
with remarkable caution and expedi-
and keeps carefully aloof until the affair His amorous propensities, has blown over.
tion,
are
too,
mode at
eminently disagreeable
and
his
of addressing ladies in the open street
noon-day
is
usually neither tible
;
downright improper, being less than a percep-
more nor
tickling of the aforesaid ladies in the
committing which, he starts back, manifestly ashamed (as well he may be) of his own indecorum and temerity continuing, nevertheless, to ogle and beckon to them
waist, after
;
from a distance
in
a very unpleasant and
immoral manner. Is there
any man who cannot count a
dozen pantaloons
in
his
own
social
circle ?
any man who has not seen them swarming at the west end of the town on a Is there
The Pantomime of
158
Life.
sunshiny day or a summer's evening, going through the last-named pantomimic feats with as
much
liquorish
energy, and as total an
absence of reserve, as stage
We
itself ?
they were on the very can tell upon our fingers if
a dozen pantaloons of our acquaintance at this
moment
—
capital pantaloons,
been performing to the great
all
who have
kinds of strange freaks,
amusement of
acquaintance, for years past
their friends ;
and who
and
to this
day are making such comical and ineffectual attempts to be young and dissolute, that all beholders are like to die with laughter.
Take
that
old gentleman
who
has just
emerged from the Cafd de F Europe in the Haymarket, where he has been dining at the expense of the young man upon town with whom he shakes hands as they part at the door of the tavern. The affected warmth of that shake of the hand, the courteous nod,
the obvious recollection of the dinner, the
savoury flavour of which
still
hangs upon
his
The Pantomime of lips,
are
tune,
characteristics of his great proto-
all
He
type.
hobbles away
and twirling
his
at
the
humming an opera
cane to and
fro,
with
—
Suddenly he stops window. He peeps
affected carelessness. 'tis
159
Life.
milliner's
through one of the large panes of glass and, his view of the ladies within being ;
obstructed by the India shawls, directs his attentions to the
box
in
window
young
her hand,
who
See
also.
!
girl is
with the band-
gazing
in at the
he draws beside
her.
He
He coughs; she turns away from him. draws near her again she disregards him. He gleefully chucks her under the chin, and, ;
retreating
with
few
a
fantastic
steps,
grimaces,
nods and beckons while the
girl
be-
stows a contemptuous and supercilious look upon his wrinkled visage. She turns away with a flounce, and the old gentleman trots after her
with a
pantaloon to the
But the
toothless
life
close
chuckle.
The
!
resemblance which
the
The Pantomime of Life.
160
clowns of the stage bear to those of everyis
life
day
Some
perfectly extraordinary.
people talk with a sigh of the decline of
pantomime, and murmur tones the
name
in
low and dismal
We
of Grimaldi.
mean no
disparagement to the worthy and excellent old
man when we
nonsense.
say that this
is
downright Clowns that beat Grimaldi all to
up every day, and more's the pity patronizes them nothing turn 11
dirty-faced
patron
down
the
nobody
!
know who you mean,"
I
laying
—
of
Mr.
Miscellany
says
some
Osbaldistone's,
when he has
and bestowing upon vacancy a most knowing glance " you mean C. J. Smith
got thus
far,
;
Guy Fawkes, and George Barnwell at The dirty-faced gentleman Garden."
as did
the
has hardly uttered the words,
when he
is
by a young gentleman in no shirt" collar and a Petersham coat. No, no," says " he means Brown, the young gentleman interrupted
;
King, and Gibson, at the 'Delphi."
Now,
The Pantomime of Life.
1
61
with great deference both to the first-named gentleman with the dirty face, and the last-
named gentleman in the non-existing shirtcollar, we do not mean either the performer
who
so grotesquely burlesqued the Popish
who
conspirator, or the three unchangeables
have been dancing the same dance under different imposing titles, and doing the same thing under various high-sounding
some
five or six years
no sooner made
who
last
names
We
past.
than the public, have hitherto been silent witnesses of
mean
and,
;
proceed to It
and
have
this avowal,
the dispute, inquire what on earth
do
for
is
tell
is
with becoming respect,
we we
them.
very well
known
pantomime-seers,
which a
it
theatrical
clown
that is
to all playgoers
the
at the
scenes
in
very height
of his glory are those which are described in
the play-bills as " Cheesemonger's "
shop
and Crockery warehouse/' or Tailor's shop, and Mrs. Queertable's boarding-house," or ii
1
The Pantomime of Life.
62
bearing some such title, where the great fun of the thing consists in the hero's places
taking
which
lodgings
slightest intention of
goods under
false
he
paying
has
for,
not
the
or obtaining
pretences, or abstracting
the stock-in-trade of the respectable shop-
robbing warehouse porters as they pass under his window, or, to shorten the catalogue, in his swindling
keeper
next
or
door,
everybody he possibly can, it only remaining to be observed that, the more extensive the swindling
is,
and the more barefaced the
impudence of the swindler, the greater the Now rapture and ecstksy of the audience. it is
a most remarkable fact that precisely this
sort of thing occurs in real
life
day
and nobody sees the humour of
after day,
it
Let us
our position by detailing the plot of this portion of the pantomime not of the illustrate
—
theatre, but of
life.
The Honourable Fiercy, attended
by
Captain
Fitz-Whisker
his livery servant
Do'em
The Pantomime of Life.
—a most respectable servant
163
to look at,
who
has grown grey in the service of the captain's family
—views,
treats for,
tains possession of,
the unfurnished house,
such a number, such a
men
in
and ultimately ob-
street.
All the trades-
the neighbourhood are in agonies of
competition
for
the captain's
custom
;
the
a good-natured, kind-hearted, easy man, and, to avoid being the cause of disapcaptain
is
pointment to any, he most handsomely gives orders to
all.
Hampers
of wine, baskets of
provisions, cart-loads of furniture, boxes of
jewellery, supplies of luxuries of the costliest description, flock to the house of the
able
Captain
Fitz-Whisker
Honour-
Fiercy,
where
they are received with the utmost readiness by the highly respectable Do'em while the ;
captain himself struts and swaggers about
with that
compound
air of conscious superi-
and general blood-thirstiness which a military captain should always, and does most
ority
times, wear, to the admiration
and
terror of
1
The Pantomime of Life.
64
But the tradesmen's backs
plebeian men.
are no sooner turned, than the captain, with all
the eccentricity of a mighty mind, and
assisted
by the
Do'em, whose devoted
faithful
not the least touching part of his
fidelity is
character,
disposes
advantage
;
of everything to great
although the
for,
small sums,
still
above cost
price,
they are sold considerably the cost to the captain
having been nothing at manoeuvres,
the
Fitz-Fiercy and federates,
Who
can
all.
imposture
After various is
discovered,
Do'em are recognized
and the police
are both taken
articles fetch
is
office to
as con-
which they
thronged with their dupes.
fail
to recognise in
this,
the
exact counterpart of the best portion of a
—
pantomime Fitz-Whisker Fiercy by the clown Do'em by the pantaloon and theatrical
;
;
tradesmen
supernumeraries by the best of the joke, too,
merchant who
is
against the person
is,
that the very coal-
loudest
who
The
?
in his
complaints
defrauded him,
is
the
The Pantomime of Life. identical
man who
sat in
very front row of the
165
the centre of the
pit
night and
last
laughed the most boisterously at
same
— and thing,
this
not so well done
Talk of Grimaldi,
we
say again
very
either. !
Did
Grimaldi, in his best days, ever do anything to
in this
way equal The mention
Da
Costa
?
of this latter justly cele-
brated clown reminds us of his last piece of
humour, the fraudulently obtaining certain stamped acceptances from a young gentleman in the
pen to
We
had scarcely laid down our contemplate for a few moments this
army.
admirable actor's performance of that ex quisite practical joke, than a new branch of our subject flashed suddenly upon take it up again at once. All scenes,
us.
So we
who have been behind the and most people who have been
people
before them, know, that in the representation of a pantomime, a
upon the stage
good many men are sent
for the express
purpose of
1
66
The Pantomime of Life.
being cheated, or knocked down, or both. Now, down to a moment ago, we had never
been able to understand
for
what possible
purpose a great number of odd, lazy, largeheaded men, whom one is in the habit of
meeting here, and there, and everywhere, could ever have been created. We see it all, now.
They
are the supernumeraries in the
pantomime of thrust into
life
it,
;
the
men who have been
with no other view than
to
be constantly tumbling over each other, and running their heads against all sorts of
We
sat opposite to one of strange things. these men at a supper-table, only last week.
Now we
he was exactly like the gentlemen with the pasteboard heads and faces, who do the corresponding business in think of
the theatrical
same broad leaden stare
;
it,
pantomimes stolid
—the
simper
;
there
— the
was the
same
dull
same unmeaning, vacant and whatever was said, or whatever eye
was done, he always came
in at precisely the
The Pantomime of
wrong place, or jostled
167
Life.
against something that
he had not the slightest business with. We looked at the man across the table again and again
;
and could not
race of beings to class
odd that
We much
this
satisfy ourselves
what
How
very
him
with.
never occurred to us before
will frankly
own
that
we have been
troubled with the harlequin.
harlequins of so
many pantomime, that we
hardly
know which
At one time we were
to
him of the disposed to
think that the harlequin was neither less
We see
kinds in the real living
select as the proper fellow of
theatres.
!
more nor
man of family and indewho had run away with an
than a young
pendent property, opera dancer, and was fooling his life and his means away in light and trivial amusements.
On
reflection,
however,
we remembered
harlequins are occasionally guilty
and even clever
acts,
that
of witty,
and we are rather
dis-
posed to acquit our young men of family and independent property, generally speaking, of
1
68
The Pantomime of
any such misdemeanours.
Life.
On
consideration of the subject,
a more mature
we have
arrived
at the conclusion that the harlequins of life
are just ordinary men, to be found in no particular station,
walk or degree, on
whom
a certain
or particular conjunction of circum-
magic wand. And this brings us to a few words on the pantomime of public and political life, which we shall say stances, confers the
at once,
and then conclude
in this
place that
we
— merely premising
decline any reference
whatever to the columbine, being
in
no wise
satisfied of the nature of her connection
with
her parti-coloured lover, and not feeling by any means clear that we should be justified introducing her to the virtuous and re-
in
spectable ladies
We
take
it
who
peruse our lucubrations.
that the
Session of Parliament
commencement is
neither
of a
more nor
than the drawing up of the curtain for grand comic pantomime, and that his
less
a
Majesty's most gracious speech on the open-
The Pantomime of Life. ing thereof
may be
are are
"
!
" !
My
69
not inaptly compared to
the clown's opening speech "
1
of
"
Here we
and gentlemen, here we our mind at least, to be a
lords
appears, to
very good abstract of the point and meaning of the propitiatory address of the ministry.
When we remember how speech
is
frequently this
made, immediately
after the change
too, the parallel is quite perfect,
and
still
more
singular.
Perhaps the cast of our political pantomime never was richer than at this day. We are
particularly strong in
former time,
we
At no have we had
clowns.
should say,
such astonishing tumblers, or performers so ready to go through the whole of their feats for the
amusement of an admiring throng.
Their extreme readiness to has given it
rise to
some
exhibit, indeed,
ill-natured reflections
;
having been objected that by exhibiting
gratuitously through the country theatre
is
when
the
closed, they reduce themselves to
1
The Pantomime of Life.
7째
the level of mountebanks, and thereby tend to degrade the respectability of the profes-
Certainly Grimaldi never did this sort
sion.
of thing
and though Brown, King, and Gibson have gone to the Surrey in vacation
time,
;
and Mr. C.
Sadler's Wells,
J.
we
Smith has ruralised
find
no
at
theatrical prece-
dent for a general tumbling through the country, except in the gentleman, name un-
known, who threw summersets on behalf of the late
Mr.
Richardson, and
who
is
no
authority either, because he had never been
on the regular boards. But, laying aside this question, which after all is
a mere matter of taste,
we may
reflect
with pride and gratification of heart on the proficiency of our clowns as exhibited in the season.
Night
tumble about, in the
after night will
till
morning
;
they twist and
two, three, and four o'clock
playing the strangest antics,
and giving each other the funniest
slaps
on
the face that can possibly be imagined, with-
The Pantomime of Life.
171
out evincing the smallest tokens of fatigue.
The
strange noises, the confusion, the shout-
ing and roaring, amid which too,
would put
to
all this is
done,
shame the most turbulent
sixpenny gallery that ever yelled through a boxing-night. It is
especially curious to behold
these clowns compelled
to
go through the
most surprising contortions by the influence of the
wand
of
leader or harlequin holds
one of
irresistible
office,
which his
above
his head.
Acted upon by this wonderful charm he will become perfectly motionless, moving neither hand,
foot,
nor finger, and will even lose the
faculty of speech at
an
on the other hand, he
will
animation
if
instant's notice
become
all life
;
or
and
required, pouring forth a torrent
of words without sense or meaning, throwing
himself into the wildest and most fantastic
and even grovelling on the earth and licking up the dust. These exhibitions are more curious than pleasing indeed, they contortions,
;
The Pantomime of Life.
172
are rather disgusting than otherwise, except to the admirers of such things, with
we
confess
we have no
Strange
tricks
whom
fellow-feeling.
—very strange
tricks
—are
performed by the harlequin who holds the time being the magic wand which we
also for
have just mentioned.
mans
before a
of
and
all
eyes
the notions it
fill
The mere waving
it
will dispossess his brains
previously stored there,
with an entirely
new
set of ideas
;
one gentle tap on the back will alter the colour of a man's coat completely and there ;
are this
some expert performers, who, having wand held first on one side and then on
the other, will change from side to side, turning their coats at every evolution, with so
much rapidity and
dexterity, that the quickest
eye can scarcely detect their motions.
Occa-
genius who confers the wand, from the hand of the temporary
sionally, the
wrests
it
possessor, and consigns
former
;
it
to
on which occasions
some new all
per-
the charac-
The Pantomime of Life.
1
73
change sides, and then the race and the hard knocks begin anew. We might have extended this chapter to ters
a
much
greater length
— we
might have
carried the comparison into the liberal professions
—we
might have shown, as was
in
our original purpose, that each is in itself a little pantomime with scenes and fact
own, complete but, as we fear we have been quite lengthy enough characters of
we
already,
where
it
unknown
its
shall
;
leave
this
chapter
just
A
gentleman, not altogether as a dramatic poet, wrote thus a
is.
year or two ago
—
" All the world's a stage,
And
all
the
men and women
and we, tracking out
his
merely players
footsteps
:"
at
the
scarcely-worth-mentioning little distance of a few millions of leagues behind, venture to
by way of new reading, that he meant a Pantomime, and that we are all actors in The Pantomime of Life. add,
SOME PARTICULARS CONCERNING A LION.
We
have a great respect for lions in the abstract. In common with most other people, we have heard and read of many instances
We
have
self-denial
and
of their bravery and generosity.
duly admired
that
heroic
charming philanthropy which prompts them never to eat people except when they are hungry, and we have been deeply impressed with a becoming sense of the politeness they are said to display towards unmarried ladies All natural histories teem
of a certain state.
with anecdotes illustrative of their excellent qualities
;
and one old spelling book
in par-
touching instance of an old of high moral dignity and stern prin-
ticular recounts a lion,
ciple,
who
felt
it
his
imperative duty to
Some Particulars Concerning a Lion.
175
devour a young man who had contracted a habit of swearing, as a striking example to the rising generation. All this
extremely pleasant to reflect upon, and, indeed, says a very great deal in favour of lions as a mass. are bound to is
We
state,
however, that such individual lions as
we have happened forth
put
to
in
fall
any very striking
with have not characteristics,
and have not acted up to the chivalrous character assigned them by their chroniclers. We never saw a lion in what is called his natural state, certainly
have never met a
till
we
lair
happen to come But we have seen
his dinner should
some under the
influence of captivity,
pressure of misfortune
they appeared
heavy-headed
The
to say,
walking in a forest, under a tropical sun,
by, hot from the baker's.
that
is
lion out
or crouching in his
waiting
that
;
lion
to
;
and the
and we must say us
very apathetic,
fellows.
at the Zoological Gardens, for
1
Some Particulars Concerning a
76
instance.
He
is
all
very well
;
Lion.
he has an
undeniable mane, and looks very fierce but, Lord bless us what of that ? The lions of ;
!
the fashionable world look just as ferocious,
and are the most harmless creatures breathing.
A
roar
fearfully,
box-lobby lion or a Regent-street animal will put on a most terrible aspect, and if
affront
you
him
;
but he
will
never
him
manfully, will fairly turn tail
off.
Doubtless these creatures roam about
sometimes
bite,
and,
in herds,
if
and,
you
if
offer to attack
and sneak
they meet any
and peaceably-disendeavour to frighten him
especially meek-looking
posed fellow, will but the faintest show of a vigorous resistance is sufficient to scare them even then. These
;
are pleasant characteristics, whereas
we make
matter of distinct charge against the Zoological lion and his brethren at the fairs, that it
they are sleepy, dreamy, sluggish
quadru-
peds.
We
do not remember
to
have ever seen
Some Particulars Concerning a Lion.
177
one of them perfectly awake, except at feed-
we uphold
In every respect
ing-time.
the
biped lions against their four-footed name-
and we boldly challenge controversy
sakes,
upon the
subject.
With
these opinions
it
imagined that our curiosity
may be
and
easily
interest
were
very much excited the other day, when a lady of our acquaintance called on us and resolutely declined to accept our refusal of
an evening party; "for," have got a lion coming."
her invitation to "
said she,
I
We
once retracted our plea of a prior engagement, and became as anxious to go, as we
at
had previously been to stay away. We went early, and posted ourselves an
eligible part
of the drawing-room, from
whence we could hope of the
in
to obtain a
interesting animal.
Two
full
view
or three
hours passed, the quadrilles began, the room filled but no lion appeared. The lady of ;
the house
became
inconsolable,
—
for
it is
12
one
Some Particulars Concerning a Lion.
178
of the peculiar privileges of these lions to
make solemn appointments and never keep them, —when all of a sudden there came a tremendous double rap at the street door, and the master of the house, after gliding out (unobserved as he flattered himself) to
peep over the banisters, came into the room, rubbing his hands together with great glee,
and cried out "
My
dear, Mr.
moment
this
Upon
a very important voice, (naming the lion) has
arrived."
eyes were turned towards we observed several young
this, all
the door, and ladies,
in
who had been
laughing and convers-
ing previously with great gaiety and good
humour, grow extremely quiet and sentimental while some young gentlemen, who ;
had been cutting great figures in the facetious and small-talk way, suddenly sank very obviously in the estimation of the company, and were looked upon with great coldness
and
indifference.
Even
the young
man who
Some Particulars Concerning a Lion.
179
had been ordered from the music shop to play the pianoforte was visibly affected, and struck several false notes in the excess of his
excitement.
was a great talking
All this time there
more than once accompanied by a
outside,
loud laugh, and a cry of " cellent
was
" !
from which
we
Oh
!
capital
ex-
!
inferred that the lion
and that these exclamations w ere T
jocose,
occasioned by the transports of his keeper and our host. Nor were we deceived for ;
when
the lion at last appeared,
his keeper,
who was
a
little
we overheard
prim man, whis-
per to several gentlemen of his acquaintance, with uplifted hands, and every expression of half-suppressed admiration, that
(naming
the lion again) was in such cue to-night
The
lion
was a
there were a vast
who had admired
literary one.
number his
it
was
to see
course,
of people present
and were
roarings,
anxious to be introduced to him pleasant
Of
!
;
and very
them brought up
for
1
Some Particulars Concerning a Lion.
80
the purpose, and to observe the patient dig-
which he received
nity with
and
all
their patting
This brought forcibly to our mind what we had so often witnessed at caressing.
country
fairs,
pelled to
where the other
lions are
com-
go through as many forms of cour-
tesy as they chance to be acquainted with, just as often as admiring parties
happen
to
upon them. While the lion was exhibiting in this way, his keeper was not idle, for he mingled among the crowd, and spread his praises in
drop
most
To
industriously.
one gentleman he
whispered some very choice thing that the noble animal had said in the very act of
coming up
stairs,
the mental effort
which, of course, rendered still
more astonishing;
to
another he murmured a hasty account of a grand dinner that had taken place the day
where twenty-seven gentlemen had
before,
got up for
all
the
at once to
lion
;
and
demand an to
the
extra cheer
ladies
he made
Some Particulars Concerning a Lion.
181
sundry promises of interceding to procure the
majestic brute's
Then, there were
albums.
for
sign-manual little
their
private con-
sultations in different corners, relative to the
personal appearance and stature of the lion
;
whether he was shorter than they had expected to see him, or fatter,
or thinner, or
taller,
or younger, or older
;
like his portrait, or unlike
whether he was it
;
the particular shade of his eyes
and whether
was
black, or
blue, or hazel, or green, or yellow, or mixture.
At
all
these consultations the keeper assisted
and, in short, the lion
was the
subject of discussion
till
to whist,
We
they sat
and single him down
and then the people relapsed into
their old topics
and each
sole
;
of conversation
— themselves
other.
must confess that we looked forward
with no slight impatience to the announce-
ment of supper tame lion under
;
for
if
you wish to see a
particularly favourable cir-
cumstances, feeding-time
is
the period of
all
1
Some Particulars Concerning a Lion.
82
others
very
to pitch
much
among
We
upon.
were therefore
delighted to observe a sensation
the guests, which
to interpret,
we
well
knew how
and immediately afterwards to
behold the lion escorting the lady of the house downstairs. offered our arm to an
We
elderly female
dear old soul
who
of our acquaintance,
!
—
the very best person that
is
ever lived, to lead
—
down
to
any meal
for,
;
be
the room ever so small, or the party ever so
she
large,
of the
is
sure,
eligible,
and conductor table
;
—we
elderly
by some
intuitive perception
push and
to
herself
pull
close to the best dishes
say
female,
we
offered our
and,
arm
on the to this
descending the
shortly after the lion, were fortunate
stairs
enough
to obtain a seat nearly opposite him.
Of
course the keeper was there already.
He
had planted himself at precisely that distance from his charge which afforded him a decent pretext for raising his voice,
when he
addressed him, to so loud a key, as could not
Some Particulars Concerning a Lion. fail
to attract the attention of the
183
whole com-
pany, and immediately began to apply himself seriously to the task of bringing the lion out,
and putting him through the whole of his Such flashes of wit as he manoeuvres. elicited
from the
First
!
make puns upon a
to
began
lion
of
all,
they
and
salt-cellar,
then upon the breast of a fowl, and then upon the trifle but the best jokes of all were decidedly on the lobster salad, upon which ;
latter subject the lion
ously, and, in
is
society,
quite
a very excellent
and
is
vigor-
the opinion of the most com-
petent authorities,
This
came out most
founded,
outshone
himself.
mode of shining in we humbly conceive,
model of the dialogues upon between Mr. Punch and his friend the prothe
prietor, hill
classic
wherein the
work, and
is
latter takes all the
up-
content to pioneer to the
jokes and repartees of Mr. P. himself,
never
fails
much
laughter thereby.
to gain great credit
who
and excite
Whatever
it
be
1
Some Particulars Concerning a Lion.
84
founded on, however, we recommend all
instance
come
present and to
lions,
succeeded
it
to
;
it
to
for in this
admiration,
and
whole body of hearers. the salt-cellar, and the fowl's breast,
perfectly dazzled the
When and the
and the lobster salad were
trifle,
exhausted,
and
room
another
could
all
not afford standing witticism,
the
keeper performed that very dangerous
feat
for
which lions,
is still
solitary
done with some of the caravan
although in one instance
fatally,
of putting his head in
it
terminated
the animal's
mouth, and placing himself entirely at Boswell frequently presents mercy.
its
a
melancholy instance of the lamentable results of this achievement, and other keepers and jackals have been terribly lacerated for their daring.
It
is
due to our
he condesended to be
lion to state, that
trifled with,
in
the
most gentle manner, and finally went home with the showman in a hack cab perfectly :
peaceable, but slightly fuddled.
Some Particulars Concerning a Lion, Being
in
a contemplative mood,
make some
led to
reflections
and conduct of
185
we were
upon the cha-
genus of lions as we walked homewards, and we were not long racter
this
in arriving at the conclusion that
our former
was very much strengthened and confirmed by what we had While the other lions receive recently seen. impression in
their favour
company and compliments
a sullen, moody, not to say snarling manner, these appear flattered
them
;
by the
in
attentions
that
are
paid
while those conceal themselves to the
utmost of their power from the vulgar gaze, these court the popular eye, and, unlike their brethren, will
move
whom
nothing short of compulsion to exertion, are ever ready to dis-
play their acquirements throng.
We have known
the wondering bears of undoubted to
who, when the expectations of a large audience have been wound up to the utmost ability
have peremptorily refused to dance well- taught monkeys, who have unaccountpitch,
;
1
86
Some Particulars Concerning a Lion.
ably objected to exhibit on the slack wire
;
and elephants of unquestioned genius, who have suddenly declined to turn the barrelorgan
;
a biped state
it
but
we never once knew
lion,
literary
or otherwise,—and
as a fact which
the whole species,
or heard of
is
we
highly creditable to
—who,
occasion offering,
did not seize with avidity on any opportunity
which was afforded him, of performing his heart's content on the first violin.
to
MR. ROBERT BOLTON, THE
"GENTLEMAN CONNECTED WITH THE
PRESS."
In the parlour of the Green Dragon, a public-house in the immediate neighbourhood of
Westminster Bridge, everybody
talks politics,
every evening, the great political authority being Mr. Robert Bolton, an individual who " a gentleman connected defines himself as
with the press," which liar
indefiniteness.
is
a definition of pecu-
Mr.
Robert
Bolton's
regular circle of admirers and listeners are
an undertaker, a greengrocer, a hair-dresser, a baker, a large stomach surmounted by a man's head, and placed on the top of two particularly short legs, and a thin man in black,
name, profession, and pursuit unknown,
Mi\ Robert
who always displays the
opens his
in
sits
same
lips,
Bolton.
same
the
position, always
long, vacant
face,
surrounded as he
and never is
by most
enthusiastic conversation, except to puff forth
a volume of tobacco smoke, or give vent to a very snappy, loud, and shrill hem ! The conversation sometimes turns upon literature,
Mr. Bolton being a literary character, and always upon such news of the day as is exclusively possessed vidual.
I
by
that talented indi-
found myself (of course, accident-
Green Dragon the other evening, and, being somew hat amused by the following ally) in the
T
conversation, preserved " till
it.
Can you lend me a
Christmas
" ?
ten
pound note
inquired the hair-dresser of
the stomach. " "
it,
Where's your
My
security,
stock in trade,
—
Mr. Clip
there's
I'm thinking, Mr. Thicknesse.
wigs, two poles, half-a-dozen head a dead Bruin/'
" ?
enough of
Some
fifty
blocks,
and
Mr. Robert "
No,
nesse.
189
wont, then," growled out Thick-
I
"
Bolton.
nothing on the security
lends
I
of the whigs or the Poles either.
whigs,
they're
cheats
they've got no cash. to it
as
;
the
for
As
for
Poles,
never have nothing
I
do with blockheads, unless I can't awoid (ironically), and a dead bears about as
much "
me as
use to
I
could be to a dead bear."
" there's a Well, then," urged the other,
book as belonged
to
Pope, Byron's Poems, valued at forty pounds, because it's got Pope's identical scratch on the back what do you ;
think of that for security "
"
to
Well,
be sure
" ?
" !
But how d'ye mean, Mr. Clip 11
Mean
why, that
!
it's
the baker.
cried " ?
got the hottergruff
of Pope. "
Steal not this book, for fear of
For
it
hangman's rope
;
belongs to Alexander Pope."
All that's written on the inside of the binding of the
book
to believe
;
so, as
my
son says, we're boitnd
it."
13
Mr. Robert
190
"Well,
observed
sir,"
and
deferentially,
Bolton.
in
the
undertaker,
a half-whisper, leaning
and knocking over the hairdresser's grog as he spoke, " that argument's
over the
table,
very easy upset." "
Perhaps, "
you'll
pay
sir,"
said Clip, a
little flurried,
for the first upset afore
you thinks
of another." "
the
said
Now,"
undertaker,
bowing
" I think, I amicably to the hairdresser, says I think you'll excuse me, Mr. Clip, I think, you see, that won't go down with the present
—
company
— unfortunately,
honour of making the
my
master had the
coffin of that ere
Lord's
housemaid, not no more nor twenty year ago. Don't think I'm proud on it, gentlemen
;
others might be
;
but
I
hate rank of any sort.
no more respect for a Lord's footman than I have for any respectable tradesman in I've
this
room.
I
may
say no more nor
I
have
Mr. Clip (bowing). Therefore, that ere Lord must have been born long after Pope
for
!
Mr. Robert
And
died.
it's
191
a logical interferance to defer,
them
that they neither of
So what
time.
Bolton.
I
mean
lived at the this
is
same
here, that
Pope never had no book, never seed, felt, never smelt no book (triumphantly) as belonged to that ere Lord.
when
And, gentlemen, consider how patiently you have
I
what
have expressed, I feel bound, as the best way to reward you for the kindness you have exhibited, to sit down 'eared the ideas
I
—
without saying anything more partickler as I perceive a worthier visitor nor myself is I am not in the habit of just entered. paycompliments,
ing
I
therefore,
hope
gentlemen I
when
;
strikes
with
I
do,
double
force." "
Ah,
Mr.
Murgatroyd
!
what's
all
this
"
about striking with double force ? said the object of the above remark, as he entered. "
never excuse a man's getting into a rage during winter, even when he's seated so close I
to
the
fire
as
you
are.
It
is
very
inju-
Mr. Robert
192 dicious
to
put
yourself
What
spiration.
Bolton.
the
is
extreme physical and sir ?
into
such
cause
mental
a perof
this
excitement,
"
Such was the very philosophical address of Mr. Robert Bolton, a shorthand- writer, as
—a
he termed himself
bit of
equivoque passing current among his fraternity, which must give the uninitiated a vast idea of the establish-
ment of the initiated
claim
it
ministerial organ, while to the
signifies that
to the
no one paper can lay
enjoyment of their
services.
Mr. Bolton was a young man, with a somewhat sickly and very dissipated expression of countenance. His habiliments were composed of an exquisite union of gentility, slovenliness, assumption, simplicity, newness,
age.
Half of him was dressed
ter,
the other half for the summer.
was of the newest
for the win-
His hat
the D'Orsay
;
his
had been white, but the inroads of and ink, etc., had given them a piebald
trousers
mud
cut,
and old
Mr, Robert
Bolton.
193
he wore a very high black cravat, of the most tyrannical while his tout ensemble was hidden stiffness appearance
;
round
his throat
;
beneath the enormous folds of an old brown
was
poodle-collared great coat, which
closely
buttoned up to the aforesaid cravat. His fingers peeped through the ends of his black kid gloves, and two of the toes of each foot
took a similar view of society through the extremities of his high-lows. Sacred to the bare walls of his garret be the mysteries of his interior dress
!
He was
man, of a somewhat
a short, spare
inferior
deportment.
Everybody seemed influenced by his entry into the room, and his salutation of each
member partook of the patronizing. The hairdresser made way for him between himself
and the stomach.
A
minute afterwards
he had taken possession of his pint and pipe. A pause in the conversation took place.
Everybody was observation.
waiting, anxious for his
first
Mr. Robert
194 "
murder
Horrid
Bolton.
Westminster
in
this
morning," observed Mr. Bolton. their positions.
Everybody changed eyes were fixed upon the
"A him "
in
in
man
All
of paragraphs.
baker murdered his son by boiling a copper," said Mr. Bolton. "
Good heavens
!
exclaimed everybody,
simultaneous horror. "
"
added Mr. gentlemen Bolton, with the most effective emphasis Boiled
him,
!
;
"
boiled "
him
And
" !
the particulars, Mr. B.," inquired
the hairdresser,
"
the particulars
" ?
Mr. Bolton took a very long draught of porter, and some two or three dozen whiffs of tobacco, doubtless to cial capacities
of the
instil
into the
company the
commer-
superiority
of a gentleman connected with the press, and
then said "
—
The man was a
(Every one looked stared at Bolton.)
at the
His
baker, gentlemen. baker present, who
victim, being his son,
Mr. Robert
Bolton.
195
was necessarily the son of a baker. The wretched murderer had a wife, whom he was
also
frequently in the habit, while in an intoxicated state, of kicking,
pummelling-, flinging
mugs
knocking down, and half-killing while in bed, by inserting in her mouth a considerable
at,
portion of a sheet or blanket."
The speaker took another body looked "
Horrid
at
everybody
else,
draught, every-
and exclaimed,
" !
"It appears in evidence, gentlemen/' con"
on the evening of yesterday, Sawyer the baker came home in a Mrs. S., conreprehensible state of beer.
tinued Mr. Bolton,
that,
nubially considerate, carried
him
in that con-
and consigned In a minute or
dition upstairs into his chamber,
him
to their
mutual couch.
two she lay sleeping beside the man whom the morrow's dawn beheld a murderer !
(Entire silence informed the reporter that his picture had attained the awful effect he desired.)
The
son came
home about an hour
Mr. Robert
196 afterwards,
Bolton.
opened the door, and went up
to
bed.
Scarcely (gentlemen, conceive his feelings of alarm), scarcely had he taken off his indescribables,
when
shrieks (to his experi-
enced ear maternal shrieks) scared the silence of surrounding night.
He
put his indescrib-
on again, and ran downstairs. He opened the door of the parental bed-chamber. ables
His father was
What
dancing upon his mother. must have been his feelings In the !
agony of the minute he rushed at his male parent as he was about to plunge a knife into the side of his
shrieked.
The
female.
The mother
father caught the son
had wrested the
knife
(who from the paternal
grasp) up in his arms, carried him downstairs,
shoved him
among some
into a copper of boiling water
and jumped which position he was
linen, closed the lid,
upon the top of
it,
in
found with a ferocious countenance by the mother, who arrived in the melancholy wash-
house just as he had so settled himself.
Mr. Robert "
'
Where's
Bolton.
my boy
'
?
197
shrieked
the
mother.
"'In that copper, boiling/ coolly replied the benign father. "
Struck by the awful intelligence, the mother rushed from the house, and alarmed the neighbourhood.
minute afterwards. the wash-house
They dragged
The police entered a The father, having bolted
door,
had
bolted himself.
the lifeless body of the boiled
baker from the cauldron, and, with a promptitude
commendable
in
men
they immediately carried
it
of their station, to the
station-
Subsequently, the baker was apprehended while seated on the top of a lamphouse.
post in Parliament Street, lighting his pipe."
The whole teries of
horrible ideality of the
Mys-
Udolpho, condensed into the pithy
a ten-line paragraph, could not possibly have so affected the narrators auditory. effect of
Silence, the purest
of applause,
and most noble of
all
kinds
bore ample testimony to the
Mr. Robert
198
Bolton.
barbarity of the baker, as well as to Bolton's
knack of narration after
and
;
it
was only broken
some minutes had elapsed by
interjeo
tional expressions of the intense indignation
of every
how
man
present.
The baker wondered
a British baker could so disgrace himself
and the highly honourable calling to which he belonged and the others indulged in a ;
variety of subject
;
wonderments connected with the
among which
ment w as
not the least wonder-
was awakened by the genius and information of Mr. Robert Bolton, who, after a glowing eulogium on himself, and r
that which
unspeakable influence with the daily press, was proceeding, with a most solemn countehis
nance, to hear the pros and cons of the
autograph question,
and
when
I
took up
Pope
my
hat,
left.
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