Shrouded Memory: Excerpt by Krista Wagner

Shrouded Memory: Excerpt by Krista Wagner

Rian relayed the details of the event, from start to fi nish, reciting the beats of the Black Friday, 2013, as though she had been programmed to. She couldn’t yet reconcile the emotions with the occurrence, so the replay came out quite mechanically. Carly introduced her to a technique called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), a form of trauma treatment. The therapy was less than thirty years old, having been discovered by Francine Shapiro in 1987 when, during a stroll in the park, she recognized that her eye movements reduced the negative feelings she had toward her upsetting memories. After conducting case studies, she discovered that the combination of eye movement and a cognitive module drastically altered the negative emotions associated with previous traumatic experiences. In essence, the anxiety connected to the event drastically diminished. “We can start the therapy next time, but for today, I want you to share with me what’s on your mind, why you are here.”

Rian started with the unsettling feelings, the perception that something wasn’t quite right, as if the darkness of that night was continually fl ooding back to her. “When do you experience these feelings? What are you doing when they take place?” Rian thought for a moment. They happened in particular situations. At the restaurant. At home. In her dreams.

Behind the sense of something dark lingering seemed to be the presence of a systematic planner.

“Based on everything you have told me, I can see that you have a minor case of post-traumatic stress disorder. The nightmares are a part of that. Right now, your senses are strong as evidenced in your dream. We will be working on reconciling them to the thoughts you have at the restaurant, at home, so that you can process them. In the meantime, I want you to think of a safe place.” Rian thought for a moment. “In the car, with Jack, me leaning on his arm as he drives.”

“OK, good. So, when you start to experience those feelings of unease, focus on this place in your mind.” ********

Carly did a session of EMDR with her. They began with a time when Rian felt like she was not in control. It was during her college years when there seemed to be no light at the end of her academic world.

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Carly explained. “It’s best to go back to something less traumatic, something more manageable but with similar associations, like this feeling of not being in control. From there, we move forward to the event. This way, too, you are able to process these experiences together since they share a similar feeling.” Sometime in the middle of the session, she found herself back at the beginning, with the masked men and their cruel hands as they shoved her through the door and up against the wall. It was the fi rst time that the memory became real. No longer some abstract thought spinning in a far-off abyss. Now she was connected to it with all of her body and mind. She closed her eyes. Something else had happened that she couldn’t quite grasp. Her eyes fl icked open. “The dream.”

“Tell me about it.”

“I’m in the ocean. There’s nothing around me at fi rst. I think I’m all alone. But in the next moment, I see a baby tumbling in the distance. I swim closer, but the more I push forward, the farther the baby moves too. Frustrated, I stop. I reach out my hand toward the baby, but it vanishes.” Rian’s breathing was hardly audible, but she could feel the air in her lungs pushing hard and fast. The chair was nicely upholstered and she dug her fi ngernails into the arms of it as she struggled against the shallow breaths. Her skin felt like it was on fi re. But the worst pain was in her forehead, not unlike the headaches she had been experiencing. “OK, take a deep breath, Rian, hold for fi ve seconds, and let it out slowly.” She did as Carly told her. Then again, twice more.

Her breathing slowed down as her arms sagged into a resting position, her fi ngers unclenching from the armrests. Her body temperature had cooled down too, back to normal. “Tell me what you noticed.” “I feel tightness throughout my body, but mostly it’s here.” She pointed to her forehead.

“That’s where you probably hold most of your tension.” “And my breathing was shallow the

whole forty-fi ve minutes we were doing this.” “When else did you experience a time where your breathing was like this?” “Just over fi ve years ago, actually. My dad died. He had a heart attack. They couldn’t save him. My mom started fl inging hospital trays, magazines, anything she could get her hands on, at the nurses and doctors. It was too much for me, and I almost stopped breathing. Jack had to rush me to the ER.”

“I want you to think of a place where you feel safe. Take a moment, if you need to. It can be in the car with Jack or somewhere else.”

“The last time I tried thinking of us together in the car, I just got more anxious.”

“Try somewhere where you are alone, at peace.” That was easy. “My workstation.” “When you start to feel anxious, I want you to visualize yourself at your workstation and concentrate on a word or a small phrase to alleviate that anxiety. For at least twelve minutes, meditate on this word as you picture your safe place. This will enable you to link your thoughts to your emotions instead of compartmentalizing them. “Or, if you are somewhere where you are stationary, you can go through those relaxation body movements, starting from the top of your body to the ends of your toes, as you were instructed in your earlier sessions.” “What about my dreams?” “The nightmares you have had and the anxiety are all related to your PTSD, but I believe we will be able to alleviate those symptoms after a few more sessions. Take care of yourself and remember to call me if you should need anything before our next meeting.”

Krista Wagner is a 70’s product who lives in Southern California with her supportive Marine Corp veteran husband, three entertaining and very bright children, a suitcase of stories begging to be fi nished, and an indispensable faith in Christ. She hasbeen creating stories since she was seven and is best known for her mystery and suspense novels. Back in the ‘90s, she was on her high school literary magazine staff, and she also co-authored a zine, a montage devoted to the creativity of multiple teenagers. Her short stories and poetry have appeared in several literary publications. She wrote her fi rst novel at the age of 14, but it wasn’t until her thirties that she published her fi rst book. Krista reaches into those chasms of darkness, dealing with themes of betrayal and deception and hope, with intriguing characters and intense storylines. All her books are clean and are for young adult and up.

“Dealing with danger and handing out hope”

Krista Wagner, author of mysteries, thrills, and all that is real

Find out more about Krista here: kristawagnerauthor.com/

Follow her on Facebook: facebook. com/kristawagneroffi cial/