172
CAROL TAVRIS arid ELLIOT ARONSON
Contemptuous exchanges like this one are devastating because they destroy the one thing that self-justification is designed
[0
pro
tect: our feelings of self-worth. of being loved, of being a good and respected person. Contempt is the final revelation to the partner mat "I don't value the 'who' that you are." We believe that contempt is a prediccoc of divorce nor because it causes the wish to separate. but because it reflects the couple's feelings of psychological separation. Contempt emerges only mer years of squabbles and quarrels that keep resulting, as for Frank and Debra. in yet another unsuccessful effort to get the other person
[0
behave differently. It is an indication
that the parmer is throwing in the towel, thinking, "There's no point hoping that you will ever change; you are JUSt like your mother after
all. n Anger reRects the hope mat a problem can be corrected. When it burns Out, it leaves the ashes of resentment and conrempc. And contempt is the handmaiden of hopelessness. •
•
•
Which comes first, a couple's unhappiness with each other, or their negative ways of thinking about each other? Am I unhappy with you because of your personality Aaws, or does my belief chat you have personalicy flaws (ramer than forgivable quirks or excernal pressures) eventually make me unhappy with you? Obviously it works in both directions. But because mosc new partners do not start our in a mood of complaining and blaming, psychologists have been able to follow couples over time to see what sets some of them, but noc och ers, on a downward spiral, They have learned that negative ways of thinking and blaming usually come first and are unrelated to the couple's frequency of anger, either party's feelings of depression, or other negative emotional states.' Happy and unhappy partners simply think differently about each other's behavior, even when they are responding
to
identical situations and actions.
That is why we think that self-justification is the prime suspect in the murder of a marriage. Each partner resolves the dissonance