life relations can actually improve our immune system and ward off illness according to 2013 Carnegie Mellon University research. A study last year published at UCLA compared how men and women react to successful same-sex friendships and found that women who shared their stresses with female friends were calmer, healthier, and happier. An older study, completed in 2002 at Stanford University, showed breast cancer survivors who relied heavily on female friendships during and after treatment outlived their counterparts who went through diagnosis, treatment and recovery in social isolation. “I really think friendships are good for our immune system,” says Hil-
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ary Israch, another licensed clinical social worker who practices in Boca Raton. “Our female friendships get us through a lot of things, and some-
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It’s true of about every ethnic background that we have. Women got together for praying, singing, story telling, grieving, problem solving. I think women still really seek the stability of those ancient customs.
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– Leslie Rouder, licensed clinical social worker, Boca Raton
times they last longer than a lot of our other relationships.” After years in practice helping women of all ages, Israch says she fully understands the importance of having trusted friends, and she works with clients so they can understand this too. “It’s not a matter of how many friends you have,” she says. “But having a handful who really listen to you, and vice versa, can really improve your mental health.” But even a comfortable friendship requires attention, say both our experts.
T H E B O C A R AT O N O B S E R V E R
Israch says she sometimes helps women who feel isolated from people they were once close to. That is, maybe a girlfriend you talked with every day when the kids were little has drifted away now that the kids are grown. That happens, she says. Lives change. “Sometimes people do leave our lives,” she says. “Maybe some of these friendships won’t last forever.” So when you find someone you love, someone you click with, someone who is able to listen to your challenges and also share hers with you, tend to that friendship, Israch says. Keep it growing. Work on putting aside any jealousy or unhealthy competitiveness. Make sure you validate your friend’s feelings. Have empathy. Appreciate the friendship, and be vocal about that. And, above all, don’t do all the talking. Be a good listener. “You have to make sure you keep in contact with each other, and not just with email or texts,” Israch says. “If it’s a long-distance friendship, you
do the best you can. But if you can get together, then get together. “People don’t realize how important it is to look someone in the eye and be right there in their energy.” Rouder, who also sees clients in private sessions, believes the connection between women is part of mankind’s ancient heritage. She loves to recommend Lara Owen’s 1993 book, “Her Blood is Gold,” which examines ancient customs of women during their monthly cycles. Basically, the women would go off in the woods together, and think and talk and sing and share together - and then return to the village renewed. “It’s true of about every ethnic background that we have,” she says. “Women got together for praying, singing, story telling, grieving, problem solving.” And, in a way, this is what we still seek with our female friendships, she says. “I think women still really seek the stability of those ancient customs.” For Rouder, helping women connect with each other also helps women connect with themselves. “I think women are communicators in a very different way than men are,” she says. “Women enjoy communicating, questioning and seeking information about themselves and those around them. “It’s who we are.” O