thesilentstruggle

Submitted by Jennifer Daniel

As a child, I used to pride myself and hold myself in high regard when people would say “she’s so independent” or “she’s so strong”. I was emotionally and verbally abused growing up and went through a lot of water all my life, I persevered through a lot of hardships in my life and a survivor label has been slapped on my back from day one. From that perspective, I thought I was headed for better in my life and I thought the feelings of my rough childhood would be trapped in the past.

When I got into college, I knew I was setting myself up for success in a way that I wouldn’t ever have to relive what I experience growing up. I’m in a new environment where I can rebrand myself and meet new people. I started to train my mind that the lows in my life were over. I was rebuilding my life and was finally happy. However, when navigating through college I struggled to find my real self within this big campus and dealt with a lot of imposter syndrome while facing a lot of pressure from my family. Not to mention, I have to provide for my family while being in college and step in to pay bills. On top of this, I’ve dealt with a lot of anxiety about my coursework and my future and finding my support system. It’s been hard to be open with my feelings and be vulnerable to my friends without feeling like a burden. It was hard for me to open myself to the idea of attending therapy. Once I did reach out to a counselor, being able to speak about my feelings and how my college life has impacted me has allowed me not to feel bottled up.

I’m a survivor. That is a statement I will continue to grow into as I grow older.

My story isn’t a success story, it’s a life story. I’m so proud of myself for how far I’ve come and how I’ve grown mentally. I’ve learned to appreciate the highs and lows and learn from every aspect of them.

luv, Jennifer Daniel

Mydaysarefilledwithpressuringtextstofinisheditingpictures,overdueassignments,andacoldbrewconstantly inmyhand.MydaysaredictatedtothehourofwhatIneedtobedoingandwhere.Mydaysarecharacterizedby closingeyelidsasIcanneverkeepmyselfawaketofinishalltheworkIneedtodo.

Mydays...

Mynightsarefilledwithinsanelyvividdreams.Mynightsaredictatedbythe4to6hoursIcanbarelyreservefor sleeping.MynightsarecharacterizedbysnoozingthealarmoverandoveragainuntilIknowIamgoingtobelate.

Mynights...

Butbetweenthedaysandthenights...whereamI?Wheredo“I”fitintomyday-to-daybasis?

Ilostmyself.

WhoisIrene?

WhereisIrene?

HowdoIgetIreneback?

TheIrenethatloveslongandmeaningfulconversations.TheIrenethatlovessleepinginona Saturdaymorningandhavingabigbreakfast.TheIrenethatlovesspendingtimewithherfriends. HowdoIgetherback?

Oh.Time

“Time”Whatafunnyword.See,inmyphilosophyclassrecently,wereadabookcalled“RadicalHope”byJonathan Lear.ItexplainedwhatitmeantfortheCrowtolosetheirwayoflife.Temporalitywasusedtosaythathowwe allocateourtimefitswithinthecontextofalargersignificanceorpurpose.

Whatismycontext,then?

Beingasuccessfulpre-lawstudent,obviously. ButIhateit.

Thenchangeyourpurpose.

Butit’snotthateasy.Thislargercontextofsignificanceandwhatmatterstousdoesnotcomefromus-itcomes fromourculture,ourwayoflife.Ourculturehasdictatedthatexhaustionissuccess:whoeverworksthemostand thehardestwillwin.Willwinmoney,praise,andrespect.

Oursocietyhasdictatedhowweidentifyourwaysoflifeisinrespecttoacontextofexhaustionandover-wokeness. Thereisnever“toomuch.”Thereisonly“notenough.”

Somuchsothathowwecometounderstandourselves,oursubject,andourplaceintheworld,isonlybyourwork. Only.

Ifyouloseyourwork,youloseyourself.

WhereisIrene?

HowdoIgetherback?

Iwakeupeverydayinthesamestruggle,thesamecycle.

Iaskyou...

Bybreakingthestigma.

Ilosther.

Youfindher.

Howdowebreakit?

"afternoonsun beforebreakfast"

Submitted by Noah Banuchi

There is no glory in a new day’s battle

It is always the same war

Shadows haunt my battlefield

Creeping closer, Reaching toward my cowered frame

The heft of my broadsword passes through the enemy

Silver against spirit rarely fares well

I have slain beasts to reach the front door, Slaughtered and fought to survive

I twist, lean my weary body into the motion of freedom, hinges swinging, And it is midday. And I haven’t even left my room.

The sun floods in, cleaning the evidence of my war

There are more worthy goals than glory

There is life, worth living through the end

If only in ode to everyone who wakes up to destroy you And, spitefully, seek justice by surviving

Continue, knuckles bleeding, to failure, to the end

Never giving them the satisfaction of a win

When noon comes, lift your warrior body and bandage your wounds.