and
another
YOU PISSED ME OFF!
thing…
He is coming. Don’t look so confused and worried. You know who I mean. What? You haven’t a clue what I’m clearly so excited about? I say again, louder and slower this time: H-E I-S C-O-M-I-N-G. That’s right. I am in a state of high excitement because MICHAEL BOLTON IS COMING TO CANBERRA! Oh yes. One of the great hard rock voices of all time will be expositing his wares amongst us at the AIS on May 21st. I hear you sniggering. I see you wiping the flecks of spittle from your smug chops as you contemplate my clearly demented excitement. Hard rock? In a chimp’s cock… But it’s true, brothers and sisters, it’s true. After a brief false start in the mid seventies under his real name, Michael Bolotin, when he released two soul-influenced elpees, Bolton hit paydirt at the end of the decade in the band Blackjack. Blackjack also featured Kiss guitarist Bruce Kulick, and the band produced two sterling slabs of Bad Company-styled bluesy hard rock on the Polydor label. Their biggest hit, the strutting Without Your Love still occasionally gets a run out on Rage in the weekend small hours. Of course, the cream rarely rises to the top in the music industry, and Blackjack withered on the vine thanks to some rubbish record company decisions. By the start of the eighties Bolton was out on his own again. In 1983 he released his third (self titled) solo album, and reminded the world once more that here was a set of lungs to be reckoned with. Combing the hard rock elements of his Blackjack days (Kulick again lending his not inconsiderably six string skills to the Bolton Bellow) with a slicker pop sensibility, Michael Bolton is an absolute classic of eighties AOR, with every track featured delivering the goods. But the album only got to number 89 on the US chart, despite good reviews, and once again Bolton was forced to question his direction. Taking stock of the musical environment in America, and its seeming turn to a harder-rocking style, Bolton decided to return to the arena rock stylings of Blackjack for his next released. Put simply, 1985’s Everybody’s Crazy is one of the greatest melodic hard rock albums ever released. Written and performed by our hero and an absolute who’s-who of AOR royalty, EC quite literally had it all – bone crushing rockers (the title track and the devastatingly tearjerking Save Our Love), achingly yearning ballads (Desperate Heart and the majestic Call My Name, later covered by Jennifer Rush) - there literally isn’t a bad song in the set… but since when has that actually made any difference to an album’s success? Everybody’s Crazy inexplicably stiffed, leaving Bolton propping up the bar in the last chance saloon. For what would probably be his last shot at the big time, he changed tack again – and the rest, as they say, is history. 1987’s The Hunger was Bolton’s first platinum album, and, sad to say, its success was largely derived by getting rid of the rock. Sure, some highlights for fans of the good stuff are still in evidence – the title track and Gina both bring the hairs on the back of the neck to attention – but for the most part the man’s banshee wail was reduced to a cocktail lounge croon as soul classics (Bolton’s version of Otis Redding’s (Sittin’ On) The Dock of the Bay is here) and big production numbers became the order of the day… And that’s what he’ll be singing at the AIS, of course. But I’ll be there, just in case he decides to crank out some of ‘our kind of music’ – I can dream, can’t I? scott adams thirtyyearsofrnr@hotmail.com
10
Has someone yanked yer chain recently? Well send an email to editorial@bmamag.com and have your sweet vengeance. And for the love of God, keep it brief! [All entries contain original spellings] Dear *****, the way you talk to me during work really hurts. I know I’m not as good as the other guys but they’ve been chefs for years. It’s just, when you call me a useless midget it makes me feel worthless and unloved. My mum tells me to just ignore it because you only do it to feel good about yourself but it’s hard because I look up to you. You don’t need to be so mean to me, you’re a chef not a drill sergeant. You pissed me off. Nathan. To a certain Civic gym for being a pack of deaf shits. I swear if I hear ‘EVACUATE THE DANCEFLOOR!?!?!?’ or some utterly pathetic and unrenowned 80’s - 90’s pop crap (‘Pull up to the bumper’, WTF??) once more I am going to go on a rampage. I dont know if you idiots around the table think that you are ‘satisfying the market audience’ or whatever but for $23.95 a week, you assholes have some nerve! I would rather toast my testicles than go to your epically crap ‘gym’ and listen to that musical dung. So go make me a sandwich. You wankers pissed me off!
FROM THE BOSSMAN Let’s see, what’s in the news this week… Iconic red food van Brodburger is under attack once again, with the NCA allegedly refusing to renew their hawker’s license. The NCA were not quoted as saying “Entertainment? Good times? Not in MY town! AAAAA ha ha ha HA!” before throwing themselves out of a nearby window. Yes, the thought of people enjoying top quality food by the scenic Lake Burley Griffin – a gaudy act that could be used to promote tourism in the ACT – just makes me sick to my ass too. What else? Ahhh yes, it seems BMA has been ceremoniously drummed out of Merici College for being “not suitable for our girls”. Why the cunting fuck not? Damn Catholics and their dead religion.* Groovin’ The Moo proved to be one of the biggest and most successful events to hit Canberra, a glittering jewel in the ACT’s entertainment crown and something that lifts Canberra up to the standard of an international-grade city. No doubt authorities will be moving in swiftly to shut such nonsense down. The NCA were not quoted as saying “Entertainment? Good times? Not in MY town! AAAAA ha ha ha HA!” before throwing themselves out of a nearby window. Right, that’s quite enough of that. Silly. ALLAN “PROPOGATOR OF NONSENSE” SKO * for heaven’s sake, put down that pen, it’s a joke.