SHOCK AND DISBELIEF
and natural. When we are trying to hide something, we freeze up.
7. Lay out the grounds for your suspicion • Remembering to keep calm, go through the recent events that seem odd. • Do not inflate the evidence or link random facts to jump to a conclusion. • Ask your partner what conclusions she or he would draw. • If you have anything solid – like a credit-card or phone statement – put that on the table and ask for their comments: ‘Why have you called the same number ninety times in the last month?’ 8. Offer a ‘carrot’ to your partner to confess • By this point, if you have been calm and logical, your partner will probably have confessed. • If your partner is not forthcoming, he or she might need a little help over the final hurdle. • So offer the ‘carrot’ of understanding her or his position: ‘I know it’s tough’, ‘You don’t want to hurt me’ or ‘You don’t want to make things worse.’ • Follow up with another incentive to confess: ‘You will feel better if you get it off your chest’, ‘For me, being in the dark is the most painful place to be’ or ‘Until we can face the truth, nothing will change.’ • Finally, appeal to your partner’s better judgement: ‘It will be worse if I find out later that you have lied to me today.’ 9. Don’t get embroiled in a row • For some partners, the best form of defence is attack. So your partner might accuse you of being paranoid, mad, sneaky, violating his or her privacy, or even cheating yourself. • It is very easy to get side-tracked and start defending yourself. However, in the heat of a row, you are unlikely to get to the truth. 17
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