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Photo Courtesy: Kasra Ganjavi, Adam Greig, D. Sharon Pruitt
VOL. 2 - ISSUE 46
July 14 - 20, 2010 3
QUOTE OF THE WEEK “Turn on, tune up, rock out.” -- Billy Gibbons
Authorities have charged a 29year-old man with aggravated assault and false imprisonment after they allege he held his mother hostage for failing to iron his clothes. Carroll County Sheriff’s Office Sgt. Marc Griffith said the man remained in jail last Wednesday without bond. The unidentified woman was not harmed in the June 30 incident. Griffith said the man, who lives with his parents, wanted his mother to do some ironing because it was “woman’s work.” When she refused, authorities allege he pulled out a gun, and took his 51-year-old mother’s keys and cellphones and refused to let her leave for at least six hours. She eventually escaped and went to a police station. Authorities were able to get the man out without incident.
Bad Set of Teeth End Negotiations for Sex
A man went to the police after getting robbed by a woman he intended to pay for sex, but refused when she flashed a smile full of bad teeth. The man told investigators he and a 25-year-old woman were negotiating a price until he noticed her dental problems. He told police that after he resisted, she snatched a checkbook containing $78 from his shirt pocket and fled. The man told authorities the woman did not realize that he had tucked a wad of cash into her bra and that she got scared and ran away. The woman was arrested on a robbery charge. Gainesville, Florida, police said it was unlikely the man would face misdemeanor charges for solicitation because he was the victim of a felony.
Woman Runs Car into Atlanta Liquor Store Again
Authorities said a 75-year-old woman drove her car through the front of an Atlanta liquor store on Monday--and it’s not the first time. Constance Chapman told police her brakes went out last Monday afternoon while she was trying to park at Green’s Package Store along Ponce de Leon Avenue, a major thoroughfare in the city’s Midtown neighborhood. Her white Mazda Miata crashed through the front window, pinning worker Jenetha Gardiner between a broken window and a shelf. Gardiner was taken to Atlanta Medical Center to be treated for a head injury caused by a falling bottle of liquor. Chapman told police this is the second time she has done this at Green’s. Authorities said the wreck shattered 1,500 bottles of alcohol.
Andrew J. Hewett
LIKE FATHER LIKE SON/ LIKE SON LIKE FATHER
Former first United States Secretary of the Treasury, Alexander Hamilton, was killed in a duel sitting with Vice President Aaron Burr, in Weehawken, New Jersey, in 1804. He fell dead at the same dueling site his eldest son, Philip, 20, had died dueling against George I. Eacker, three years earlier, in 1801.
HE SHOULD HAVE INVESTED IN SELF-BUTTKICKING-MACHINES
Alexander Malcomson (1865-1923) was the original principal partner of ex-bicycle repairman Henry Ford. Then later, years after founding Ford Motor with Malcomson, Henry (alone) created Ford Manufacturing, concocted to sell overpriced auto parts to Ford Motor, robbing it of all profits. This caused Malcomson to give up on car making by selling his shares to Henry Ford in 1906, for $175,000.
THIS IS TRUE. LOOK IT UP YOURSELF
In 1859, Jean François Gravelet-Blondin (1824-1897) walked a tightrope 160 feet above Niagara Falls. He did it a second time blindfolded. Then he did it while standing in a sack. A fourth time, pushing a wheelbarrow. Then, he walked across on stilts. Finally, he walked halfway across, sat down, cooked an omelet, ate it, and finished his trip.
4 July 14 - 20, 2010
BLITZREVIEWS By: Joe Stumpo - www.darthstumpo.com
with Leonardo DiCaprio
by: Vivian Fullerlove “Entertainment’s Real Critic”
In a world where technology exists to enter the human mind through dream invasion, a single idea within one’s mind can be the most dangerous weapon or their most valuable asset. This is the premise behind Leonardo DiCaprio’s new movie Inception. The film is directed by none other than Christopher Nolan who is responsible for taking the Batman franchise to a whole new level. I sat down with Leo to talk about the movie and what it like working with Nolan. Tell me about your role in the film, and the practice of “inception.” I suppose my character’s level of expertise in the film is keeping that central focus in a world of chaos. Obviously, it’s a very specific set of skills. He works as a criminal in an underground black market of individuals who are able to infiltrate people’s minds or in this case, incept an idea or a thought or a way of life or new way of looking their real life thereby altering the course of the real world and that’s what this job is for that group of people. The movie has some amazing effects and scenes in it. How was the look of the film achieved? There were certainly a lot of sequences in this film where the surreal does happen, and it’s happening on a physical level. Ironically, most of the time those things weren’t done on green screen. There was very little green screen in this movie. If a scene had to be tilted because in an alternate reality there was some kind of gravity shift, he [director Christopher Nolan] would put the entire set on hydraulics and shift that entire bar. We had to do an entire sequence where I was trying to reassure another character that I was
his protector in this dream sequence and things would be flying by us, and we had to hold onto the set; so, we didn’t slide off. What was it like working with Christopher Nolan? There was a lot of situations throughout the course of the film whether we were wrapped up in cables, floating through an elevator shaft or being soaked by a massive water tank that was blasting around us or whether the streets of Paris were disintegrating before our very eyes; what was amazing to witness is how they made it seem like it was all in a day’s work. Chris and his team are so efficient and highly organized and have conveyed exactly what they want to everyone involved in the movie making process that these spectacular events happen and then you go to lunch. It was kind of all in a days work. What can people look forward to when they go see this movie? You feel grounded. You feel like you understand the rules. You’re watching it right before your eyes, but you’re also in a constant state of suspense because you never really know what’s going to happen next. Your ultimate realization is that you know the characters have to come to some sort of realization, but how that unravels is what the imagination is. You can experience Inception this week when the film opens nationwide. It is rated PG-13 for sequences of violence and action throughout. For all of this week’s new releases and more of your favorite celebs, check out my show Reel Critics on Time Warner Cable Video on Demand under the North Texas programming tab!
Toy Story 3: Considering the heavy amount of abuse that toys Buzz Lightyear, Mr. Potato Head, cowgirl doll Jessie, and Hamm the piggy bank go through in this third (and most likely final) installment in Disney/Pixar’s Toy Story franchise, perhaps the full title of this third outing should have been “Toy Story 3: To Hell And Back.” Just like in the previous installments, Woody (voiced by Tom Hanks) must save his toy pals from certain doom when he and his buddies are accidentally sent to the Sunnyside Daycare Center run by a furry bear named Lotso (voiced by Ned Beatty). With the exception of Woody, Buzz Lightyear (voiced by Tim Allen) and the rest of the gang see Sunnyside as a new paradise where they will again be played with by children. Their former owner, Andy, has grown up and is about to start college. The toy’s dreams, however, are immediately shattered the moment the rambunctious tykes use them to pick their noses, put them in their mouths, or pluck out their body parts. Sunnyside might as
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well be called a violent toy prison. Up until now, I never pictured myself as an adult hoping that Woody, Buzz and the gang could avoid the fiery incinerator at a garbage dump as the toys hold hands awaiting their fate. Talk about playing the hymn, Nearer, My God, To Thee. I’d be lying if I said Toy Story 3 is one of those rare children’s movies where things don’t always end on a positive note for such beloved animated characters like these. Disney, let alone Pixar, however, is not known for providing audiences with sad endings though the road to happiness can sometimes be a bumpy one for the characters, which is clearly the case in this installment. Like every successful animated computer generated release Pixar has churned out over the years, Toy Story 3 offers another redeeming adult message for kids. Sooner or later, kids grow up and lose interest in the things they enjoyed playing with when they were young. It’s not just the grownups who have to learn to let go but the toys themselves.
July 14 - 20, 2010 5 blitzweekly.com
by: Amy Sciaretto
Nickelback Extends Tour
Nickelback, Billboard’s “Group of Decade,” is showing absolutely no signs of slowing down, as they have extended their Dark Horse World Tour. The next leg of the tour, produced by Live Nation, will begin on September 14th in Nashville and will run through October 30th in Las Vegas. Three Days Grace and Buckcherry will join Nickelback on these dates. Tickets go on sale to the general public on July 17th. “Dark Horse World Tour” has been a smashing success, as all previous legs have been completely sold out. Since 2009, Nickelback has sold more than 1.6 million tickets and have played more than 120 global shows. Here are the dates of the closest venues to DFW: Oct 12 - New Orleans Arena - New Orleans, LA Oct 15 - Cynthia W. Mitchell Pavilion - Spring, TX Oct 16 - Ford Center - Oklahoma City, OK
“Is boycotting BP the answer to our nation’s dependency on oil? No. This disaster signals that America is overdue for radical changes in our infrastructure, not just a boycott. Are the gas stations you visit instead of BP perfect angels? No, but they are scared sh!tless that you might boycott them too, and if that’s what it takes to get them to clean up their act, so be it. The worst thing that we can do is stand by and do nothing. Inaction will ensure that this happens again, so please be a part of the solution.” – Rise Against
Photo Courtesy: Rafael Rezende
Roadrunner/ Loud & Proud Signs Kenny Wayne Shepherd
Four-time Grammy nominated, American blues/rock guitarist Kenny Wayne Shepherd is now signed to a worldwide, multialbum deal. He is currently working on his Roadrunner/Loud & Proud debut projects, which include his first live album and a new studio album. “Kenny Wayne is a special artist” stated Loud & Proud President Tom Lipsky. “He is passionate about his songwriting, his musicianship and he values the relationship that he has with his fans.” Widely regarded as a guitar hero before that term exploded into pop culture with the video game, the self-taught Shepherd learned to play at the tender age of seven-years-old, learning Muddy Waters licks while listening to his father’s record collection. At 13, he was invited onstage and performed with New Orleans bluesman Bryan Lee. Signed to Giant Records at 16, Shepherd recorded his first album while a senior in high school.
2. That’s Right
(You’re not from Texas)
Lyle Lovett – Live in Texas
3. Texas Flood
Stevie Ray Vaughan – Texas Flood
4. Waltz Across Texas
Ernest Tubb – Waltz Across Texas
5. Heaven, Hell or Houston
ZZ Top – El Loco
Glen Campbell - Galveston
7. Brownsville Girl
Bob Dylan – Knocked Out Loaded
8. All My Exes Live in Texas
George Strait – Ocean Front Property
9. Price of San Jacinto
Reverend Horton Heat – Space Heater
10. People in Dallas Got Hair
Waylon Jennings – Nashville Rebel
Telegraph Canyon and Dawes Casa Manana - Fort Worth Check out two local bands for just $12 in a theater you probably haven’t been in since that high school field trip. The show starts at 8 p.m.
Kinky Friedman – The Last of the Jewish Cowboys
Voltaire Lizard Lounge – Dallas Voltaire is a singer/songwriter with music that has its roots deeply imbedded in European folk music. Voltaire has also been directing commercials and animating short films for the last ten years. His whimsical surrealism has been seen in television commercials for clients such as the Cartoon Network and The Sci-Fi Channel.
– Jared Leto, 30 Seconds to Mars
Benefit for Brandi Todd featuring Scott McCurry & Mercenaries House of Blues – Dallas The show benefits Brandi Todd, a mother attacked in a park while playing with her kids. Tickets are just $9 - $12. Show starts at 7 p.m.
Shortly after the announcement of top touring artists joining the BP boycott started by Grammy-award winning rock band KORN, a large contingent of top touring bands joined the cause. New additions to the boycott against BP include Maroon 5, Shinedown, 30 Seconds to Mars, Chevelle, Sevendust, Puddle of Mudd, Neon Trees, Halestorm, Mutiny Within, Saliva, Soulfly, Story of the Year, Adelitas Way, 10 Years, Hail the Villain and the Carnival of Madness Tour. These touring artists join the already extensive list of those committing to avoid BP, bringing the total to 30 artists and two national festival tours.
MUSIC: Songs About Texas 1. Proud to be an A$$hole from El Paso
Ted Nugent Billy Bob’s Texas – Fort Worth The Motor City Madman returns to perform his greatest hits and some obscure rarities. Be prepared for some high energy mayhem! The show starts at 10:30 p.m.
“As someone born in Louisiana, this hits close to home. It is an already fragile ecosystem hit by this terrible and senseless tragedy of unprecedented proportions; it is heartbreaking that this has happened. As people work to find solutions to help deal with this catastrophe hopefully there will be new measures put in place to address the dangers of our complete and total reliance on fossil fuels.”
Shop the Market Central Market – 5750 E. Lovers Lane, Dallas After a brief tour of the seafood, meat and produce departments where you will learn about unusual and seasonal items, the class will go to the kitchen where you learn the basic cooking techniques needed to create a memorable meal. Class starts at 6:30 p.m.
Sick Puppies Trees – Dallas Their “Free Hugs” video has had over 11 million views on YouTube since it started streaming in ‘09. The video chronicles the true adventures of a man who walks around holding a sign that reads “Free Hugs,” the police who ban his crusade and the petition that earned him back the right to provide free hugs. The show starts at 7 p.m. If you know of a cool event or concert coming up, send some info our way at firstname.lastname@example.org
Photo Courtesy: Brad Barton
6 July 14 - 20, 2010
Picher From a Land Down Under! According to AirHogs’ the rotation after only pitcher Daniel Schmidt, a few days with the the most difficult part team. He is a stable of living here this force on the pitching season is making sure staff, with a 2-2 record to look both ways and a 4.02 ERA. before driving across Schmidt said he the street. That is likes Texas because impressive knowing it reminds him of his the left-handed hurler homeland of Australia. came here all the way “Australia is very laid from Australia just back. We tend to take to chase his baseball our time, do it slowly dreams. Oh, and to and get it right like learn how to drive on Texas” Schmidt said. the other side of the The AirHogs road. wrapped up the end Schmidt said he of the first half of began playing baseball the season last week, 12 years ago when he finishing second in the Schmidt has brought stability to the rotation was just trying out a few South Division. After a different sports. Being a left hander, he found Tuesday through Saturday home stand this a niche in baseball and would be signed by week, five players will travel to Wichita to the Phillies in 2006. Before he could take the take part in the American Association Allfield for a Phillies farm team, injury forced Star game. Those players are Greg Porter, him to undergo Tommy John surgery and his David Espinosa, Robert Perry, Geivy Garcia major league dreams were cut short. Now, and Luke Prihoda. Porter, Espinosa and with the AirHogs, Schmidt earned a spot in Perry will start for the South Division team.
VIGILANTES:News Stormin’ in Dallas
Photo Courtesy: Joe Lorenzini
by: Travis L. Brown
The first place Tampa Bay Storm were in town last Friday night for their second meeting of the year with the Vigilantes. Tampa won their first meeting in Tampa Bay 54-41. This time, Dallas got off to a bad start. On Dallas’ first drive, they had a touchdown reversed for offensive interference and ended up missing a field goal. They caught a break (literally) when a Tampa Bay pass in the end zone hit the post and ricocheted into the hands of Delenall Reid. Matt Fields scored at the end of the first quarter to make it 7-7. Collin Drafts hit Derek Lee midway through the second quarter for a 14-yard touchdown. Lee also made a heck of catch with 30 seconds left in the half to even it up 21-21. Dallas gave up a score with 12 seconds left on blown coverage. For the second week in a row, Mark
Lewis drilled a field goal as time expired in the first half. Dallas was down 28-24, but was still playing a good game. On the first drive of the second half, Drafts scrambled on 4th and 8. He dove for the first down. Two plays later he found Fields all alone for a touchdown and the lead 31-28. A Drafts fumble was picked up and ran in for Tampa Bay. Lee made another great catch on a long pass to the one yard line. They couldn’t score from there and had to settle for a field goal. Fields had one of the best catches I have ever seen on a ten-yard pass. He palmed it as he snagged it out of the air with one hand. The final score was 56-34 as Dallas has now dropped 10
by: Craig Smith “Sportsologist” - email@example.com
Fields continues to make plays
straight games. They were outscored 28-3 after taking the lead early in the second half. Next Saturday they will be in Chicago to take on the Rush.
July 14 - 20, 2010 7
Slap Shot (1977) Guys can appreciate this film because there is violent hockey. Gals love it because there is a scene where estranged wifey Lily gets a makeover to get revenge on her hubby. We love it when the underdog undergoes a transformation and gets even (think Pretty Woman). The Main Event (1979) Hillary (Barbara Streisand), a successful perfumer, finds that her accountant has robbed her and skipped town. Going through all of her remaining assets,
“Foxie and Fired Up”
she finds a boxer purchased as a tax write off. She decides to put “Kid Natural” (Ryan O’Neal) into the ring to get her money back. Bloody fights? Check! Romance? Check! Tin Cup (1996) Ladies can’t help it…we are attracted to the stuckup stud even though the underachieving frat boy can make us laugh. This is a good date movie, especially if you’re still trying to convince a girl to fall for you. The story focuses on the relationship that develops between two opposite personalities. It’s got golf and Don Johnson. What else do you need? Bull Durham (1988) There are three reasons to love this movie: Crash’s speech where he lists the things he “believes in,” Annie and Crash dancing in the candle light, and “butt pants.”
Photo Courtesy: Gregg Case
DFW Digs Dirk
by: Jennifer Wayne
by: Craig Smith
“Sportsologist” - firstname.lastname@example.org
made a few Mavericks fans sweat when he opted out of his contract. The fear was he would look at his options and could possibly be wearing a different uniform next season. That is pretty scary for fans who lost Steve Nash that way in the summer of 2004. Dirk never had any public statements about opting out, so no one ever knew exactly what he was thinking. Was he tired of first round exits in the playoffs? Did he want to play on a team that gave him a better chance to win a championship? Most experts saw little chance of him playing for any team next year other than Dallas. He never talked to any other team nor was mentioned in any rumors to be going to another team. Local fans started a campaign called “DFW Digs Dirk” to show their love for the big German. It gave fans a chance to post messages for Dirk and show him what he means to the city. They had a downtown building that said in lights, “DFW Digs Dirk” and Ben Rogers (from ESPN 103.3FM) even wrote a catchy song. Dirk flew in from Germany to meet
with the Mavericks. He was expected to max out at four years for $96 million. What he did was something few others in sports ever do. He signed for four years and $80 million. Why would he do this? Easy…he wants to win and knows if the team invests all their money in him, they have little left to pursue any top tier players. He signed his contract and went back to Germany. No press conference, no hoopla, just business. He doesn’t feel the need to turn his signing into a media circus. He said he wants to win a championship and he showed how much it meant by sacrificing $16 million for the betterment of the team. He said the decision was easy because of the loyalty Mark Cuban has shown him over the years. He said he started it here and feels he has unfinished business here. This sacrifice for the team is barely mentioned by the media because Dirk is not flashy. He isn’t about money; he is about winning. He is probably in Germany now trying to perfect something in his game. Only time will tell if he ever gets a ring. For his hard work and dedication, he deserves one. Not many athletes will put their money where their mouth is.
MLB: Rangers vs Red Sox Thur. July 15 – 6:10PM – Fenway Park – FSSW The first game after the All-Star break has the Rangers in Beantown. Tommy “Big Game” Hunter will try to keep his record perfect by winning his sixth game of the season. He’ll face a formidable lineup with Big Papi, J.D. Drew and Adrian Beltre. Knuckleballer Tim Wakefield will try to fool the Rangers batters.
MLB: Nationals vs Marlins Fri. July 16 – 6:10PM – Sun Life Stadium – Extra Innings The young “Phenom” Stephen Strasburg will have the baseball world’s attention on him as he takes the mound against the Marlins. He has electric stuff and will make several batters look silly. The Marlins have new manager Edwin Rodriguez and hope to turn things around. If you’re lucky, you won’t have to see any of the Manatees!
MLB: Phillies vs Cubs Sun. July 18 – 7:05PM – Wrigley Field – ESPN The wrap up game for the weekend has the “Lovable Losers” at home against a very good Phillies team. Under the night lights the likes of Alfonso Soriano, Derrek Lee and A-Ram square off against Ryan Howard, Jimmy Rollins and Shane Victorino. The Cubs are trying to turn their season around and the Phillies are trying to stay in the hunt.
MLB: Rangers vs Tigers Tue. July 20 – 6:05PM Comerica Park – FSSW The road trip continues as the Rangers head to the Motor City to take on the Tigers. This will be game number six of seven while on the road. The Tigers could have 11 game winner Justin Verlander on the mound and are led by hitting sensation Miguel Cabrera who is neck and neck with Josh Hamilton for the Triple Crown.
Photo Courtesy: Matt Pearce
Caddyshack (1980) This comedy is a classic. I am sure 20 years from now, people will still remember “nuh nuh nuh nuh nuhhhh.” Sure, it has some stupid dude humor, like “Hey everybody, we’re all gonna get laid!” but it also has a cute dancing gopher!
Sports Movies Your Woman Won’t Mind Watching
by: Craig Smith “Sportsologist” - email@example.com
The State of the Rangers
The Texas Rangers (50-38) are in first The Rangers will be represented by a place going into the All-Star break with a team record six players in the All-Star game. 4.5 game lead over the Vladimir Guerrero Angels. They have the was any easy choice largest lead over second for DH winning the place of any team in vote by over 2 million the league, yet many votes. Josh Hamilton fans aren’t satisfied is a starter in the going into the break. outfield for the third They just got swept year in a row. At the in four games by the break, he is tied for Baltimore Orioles, who first in all of baseball have the worst record with .346 average, in the league. I think second in home runs Texas should have an with 22, and fourth even bigger lead. I in the AL with RBI’s hate to bring it up, but with 64. Elvis Andrus the Rangers have a is making his first history of falling off in appearance and is the second half of the only 21-years-old. season. I don’t believe He was selected via that will happen this player voting. Ian year, but the thought Kinsler started the Vlad has more than delivered this season entered my mind. season on the DL but has made a nice return batting .310. Neftali Feliz is just the third Ranger rookie ever selected to an All Star team. He is tied for second in saves in the AL with 23, which is 11 more than the previous rookie franchise record. Cliff Lee will represent the Rangers after only one appearance, which is the fewest ever for a player to represent a team in an All-Star game. The biggest disappointment of the year is without a doubt Rich Harden. In 13 Washington is no longer on the hot seat starts, he is 3-3, only managed 65 Last Friday, the Rangers innings, and has 43 walks. He’s made what is probably the currently working his way biggest trade ever in team back from an injury, but if history. The word that he doesn’t get his pitching morning across the Internet together, I think he will be was the Yankees had worked released before the season out a trade to acquire ace is over. pitcher Cliff Lee from the Seattle Mariners. Just what they need--another pitcher. It turned out to be a bad week to be a New York fan. No LeBron James. No Cliff Lee. Texas stepped up at the last minute and finally acquired an ace pitcher. They gave up Justin Smoak and three minor league players, which is not bad for a much needed ace. In my opinion, he is the best pitcher the Rangers have had since Nolan Josh is making a run at the Triple Crown Ryan. He leads the AL in complete games with six and has four in his last five starts. In 112.2 innings pitched this year, he The off-the-field issue with Ron only has given up six walks. He won the Washington before the season began is just 2008 Cy Young Award with the Cleveland a memory now. Winning cures all and he Indians and posted a 22-3 record with a has the players’ utmost respect. The trade 2.54 ERA. Last year while a member of deadline is July 31st and nothing will get the Philadelphia Phillies he went 4-0 with a done unless a new owner is determined 1.56 ERA in five postseason starts. He was by then. I am expecting big things in the 2-0 against the Yankees in the World Series, second half of the season. Can you say the only two wins for Philadelphia. PLAYOFFS?
Photo Courtesy: Matt Pearce
8 July 14 - 20, 2010
July 14 - 20, 2010 9
THE STATE OF THE
MUSIC INDUSTRY ‘10 The state of the music industry in 2010 is a landscape barely recognizable to any of us who came of age in the era of the recordable mix cassette tape, the advent of the CD, the era of MTV music videos, Billboard Charts and Rolling Stone Magazine and the birth of Spin Magazine, and of course, Kasey Kasem’s Top 40 countdown. The CD was acclaimed as a medium that would never decay; a digital (read: advanced) method for storing the sounds of generations and preserving them in a compact, simple format that will be passed on to future generations, as well. This was a dawning of the infinite possibilities that existed in the music industry – record labels thrived and artists were overpaid and slickly overproduced, radio station managers received lucrative payola to push particular artist singles, fans got up-close documentaries of their beloved artists through music videos. Then, in the ‘90s, the music industry experienced an epic meteoric rise and then subsequent meltdown, ironically in the same vein that grunge buried heavy metal and rap and then inevitably, at the crest of the double Aughts, rap and hiphop secured the throne and abdicated rock music to the independent labels, smaller venues, and more grassroots approach that hip-hop initially took from its organic street origins. Now, in 2010, the decade before triggered such a paradigm shift that the music industry seemed like a limping prize fighter still trying to reclaim old victories; Rocky with the sticks and stones and raw wilderness workouts vs. Ivan Drago and technologically advanced training methods. The Internet became a massive tool in the dislodging of the music industry’s almost proprietary hold on the music industry and scene – music became an editable, multi-formidable and sharable object through the Internet, and once Apple secured iTunes and DRM-free file sharing, the music industry now finds itself marginalized, buried in litigation, and an aging dinosaur in the realm of advanced technology. CDs are now found to be biodegradable and will probably not last more than 50 years; shelf space for music mediums is now diminished in most stores across the land; further, with the collapse of Tower and other Big Box music retailers, you have to rely on Amazon.com or other online sources both illegal and legal in order to obtain new releases. As a snapshot, here are CD sales for 2009-10 as of January: Album sales fell to 373.9 million units, a 12.7% decline from 2008. Total sales fell a whopping 52% since 2000. CDs still account for almost 80% of all album purchases. 1.16 billion individual songs were purchased digitally, an increase of 89 million units, or 8.3%, from 2008. That represents a significant slowdown in digital-sales growth. In 2008, sales of digital songs increased by 226 million, or 27% over the previous year. Digital downloads now account for 40% of music purchases. In the arena of downloads, we have noticed an increase in online activity among torrent sites and music file sharing sites; and it is predicted that the rate of broadband strength will increase 300% by 2012. It is estimated that 6 million simultaneous users are online at any given time with access to 900 million files, resulting in the average illegal downloading of 6.5 billion files per month. Apparently, people are tired of inflated CD prices and music industry gridlock, now yearning for easy access to files, cheap methods for getting the music they currently want, and convenient packaging since they are free to make their own CDs or burn their own mix CDs due to laptop technological advancement. Interestingly, many people blame artists for the online illegal file sharing boom; it is a common belief that for decades the music industry has grown lax in its A&R departments causing an influx of diminished talent and lower quality outputs from established artists; why plunk down $15-$20 for a new CD if you only heard the single and if the previous two albums were not generously received by the core fan base? It makes much more sense to download the hit single or album for free, then decide if you like it enough to purchase it for posterity (not that I am advocating illegal file sharing). It is indeed a different environment than in previous decades, and whether you choose to download iTunes legally or use file sharing sites illegally to obtain your music fix, bear in mind that technology will continue to highlight the accessibility of on demand music files and exacerbate the demise of the once holy, once ironclad Music Industry. As long as we get to our tunes, and it becomes more convenient to listen to what you want wherever you may be, then I am all for technology. Good luck and good listening!
by: Tennessee Chris
10 July 14 - 20, 2010
The Next Big Things From
Outstanding Bands To
Watch Out For
by: Jason Miller “Music Enthusiast”
Sounds Under Radio With the recent release of their new EP Communist Heart, Austin’s Sounds Under Radio are making a bold statement in the field of modern rock. They are arguably the finest unsigned band in the state of Texas, and 2010 is looking to be their breakout year. Take the best of the UK’s biggest rock band Muse and cross it with Radiohead’s finest hour and you can begin to imagine the depth of these songs. The vocals can be described as astonishing and awe-inspiring and the music from an over the top band of perfectionists that soar like an exploding supernova wall of sound that would make Phil Spector proud. My pick for show of the year, song of the year (a close tie between the hauntingly gorgeous “Sing” and the mind-blowing “I Am an Ambulance”) and all around breakout band in waiting. They are sure to put the great state of Texas back on the map for outstanding artists. Good fortune is currently shining upon the band as their moody soundscapes have been recently featured on the CW’s hit series The Vampire Diaries. You can read more on the band at www. SoundsUnderRadio.com.
Ishi Like The Faint, Broken Bells, and MGMT all rolled up into one, Ishi have invented their own genre referred to as “folktronic.” These guys can write some hooks and they have the beats to match. This is the kind of band that could easily sell out my favorite venue, The Granada, two nights in a row with Hipsters of all kinds dancing and drinking up a storm. Their undeniably catchy and probably soon to be Pitchfork darling of an album Through The Trees is out now. You can listen to a few tracks on their Myspace page at www.myspace. com/ishiisound. Or just check them out live July 17th at Trees and August 7th at The Loft.
Photos Courtesy: Daigo Oliva, Carl Lender, Matt Becker, Kreepin Death, Applemos, Stolz, Chad Davis & Matt Mitchell
Here In Arms Led by the ultra-charismatic, and generally nice guy, Brent Engel, Here in Arms are one of Dallas’ best kept secrets. The first time I saw these guys live was similar to the moment when I first saw Ryan Adams many years ago. It is raw, gritty, remarkably catchy Americana at its finest. Throw in some Springsteen and Costello influences and you have their debut album Outlaws which is available now. A fantastically enjoyable record perfect for the long hot summers in Texas and a solid enough effort to last all the way through it. The band is currently recording their much anticipated follow up in Nashville and look to have it released late this year or early next. In the meantime, do yourself a favor and see the upcoming live show; you may very well have your very own “Ryan Adams” moment as I did. Read up on them at www.myspace.com/hereinarms and see them live July 23rd at La Grange.
Remembering the Cotton Bowl: T
The Texxas Jam: This is a nickname that was given to an annual summer arena rock concert called t was held at the Cotton Bowl in Dallas and in Houston at either the Astrodome or Rice Stadium. Here’s Cotton Bowl: a.k.a “Texxas Music Festival”
1978:The Big Acts: • • • • • • •
Sammy Hagar Van Halen Eddie Money Journey Heart Ted Nugent Aerosmith
Interesting Facts: Ted Nugent joined Aerosmith on stage for a rousing rendition of “Milk Cow Blues.” For comic relief between acts, Cheech & Chong entertained the crowd. The temperature was 98 degrees that day. Sprinklers were stationed around the field to cool people off and the crowd was hosed down with firehoses from the stage. And seeing all these great acts was just $13 a ticket! officially called “The Last Concert of the Last Weekend of the Last Summer of the Seventies” or “Farewell to a Texas Summer” for short The Big Artists: • Foghat • Pat Travers • Billy Thorpe • Point Blank • Little River Band • Joan Jett • Rush
Interesting Fact: The price of admission went up to $15.
Big Acts: • Eagles • Cheap Trick • Foreigner • April Wine • Sammy Hagar • Christopher Cross • Savvy
Interesting Fact: Savvy was bumped a The Eagles management. Show lineup Jones of Savvy. This show was referred to as
1982:“The Super Bowl of Rock N R Big Acts: • Le Roux • Ozzy Osbourne • Loverboy • Foreigner
The Big Acts: • Journey • Santana • Sammy Hagar • Joan Jett • Point Blank
Interesting Facts: Sammy Hagar had a stage at the Cotton Bowl show, it was day. However, Hagar vowed to never p had been handled by someone else and l the next day at the Houston show.
Venue Menu: A Listing of Great Dallas Music Spots Dallas, with its burgeoning, thriving music scene has got great venues – big and small – to check out pretty much any type of music. Without the room to go into the greatness of Denton, Fort Worth, or touch on how cool the Meyerson Symphony Center is, or Winspear are…here are some Dallas favorites:
Granada Theater 3524 Greenville Ave. Pretty much the granddaddy of venues. Location, staff, food, sound… all superb, and the differing floor levels make viewing for everyone possible. An added plus is the large video screen and pre-show music to get you in the mood…
Adair’s Saloon 2624 Commerce St. Deep Ellum. Gritty shotgun-shack skinny, with a tiny stage. Who cares…it rocks. Plus, great burgers and you can write on the wall.
Lakewood Theater 1825 Abrams, Lakewood. Underused, underrated, and understated cool place…next to another cool place – The Balcony Club. This restored 1938 Art Deco Movie Palace in East Dallas is home to a world of movies, concerts, plays, corporate and private special events, film and music festivals and premieres, community gatherings, and more. I love, love, love to sit down at concerts, but man, they need to upgrade the seats.
Palladium Ballroom 1135 South Lamar. Complaints about “corporate ownership,” weak drinks, and rude, impersonal staff aside, this basically flat warehouse brings in the names, and the sound system is just overkill, enough to knock you over…if you stand in the sweet-spot.
Lee Harvey’s 1807 Gould. Great food and finally getting props as a sweet little tucked away music destination. As one patron put it “very dangerous for single women and a bit snotty for a dive bar.”
July 14 - 20, 2010 11 blitzweekly.com
The Ultimate Rock Venue by: Jennifer Wayne
by: Eric Kendall – “A Local Rocker”
the Texxas World Music Festival. The series went strong from 1978 until 1988. It ’s a rundown of some of the big acts that came through Dallas in the heyday of the
The Big Acts: • Boston • Aerosmith • Whitesnake • Poison • Tesla • Farrenheit
at the last minute by confirmed by Steve
Scorpions and Ratt
Interesting Facts: The live concert footage for Poison’s video “I Won’t Forget You” was filmed at this performance. Also, Poison was joined onstage by Paul Stanley for their performance of KISS’ “Strutter.” “The Monsters of Rock” The Big Acts: • Van Halen • Scorpions • Dokken • Metallica • Kingdom Come
7/21/10 – Verizon Theatre at Grand Prairie Bust out your shiny spandex pants, a bottle of hairspray, and some sweat bands. You’re gonna need them for this show. This is two big bands teaming up for what will probably be a once in a lifetime show. Scorpions recently announced their retirement and Ratt came out of retirement to do this show (and promote a new cd, “Infestation”). Still, this could be your last chance to get yourself rocked like a hurricane. I know guys who’d pay for that alone!
Thrash and Burn Tour
8/2/10 – House of Blues I haven’t heard the word “thrash” used since the mid-90’s and it was also used in the same sentence as Anthrax. Nowadays, such words will get you put on the FBI’s suspicious chatter log. Thankfully, the resurgence of Thrash & Metal has started to resurface…we all knew it would, right? You won’t see Anthrax, Megadeth, or Slayer in the states together, but you will see the bands these greats have spawned and what you have to look forward to. Bands like Asking Alexandria, Periphery, & Born of Osiris. Oh did I mention Kittie will be playing as well? Who doesn’t like hotties playing metal?
Interesting Facts: This was the show where Sammy Hagar lost his voice after only a couple of songs and then he promised to play a free show in Dallas. A few years later, he made good on his promise with a free show in the West End.
a guitar stolen backreturned later that play it again after it lit it on fire on stage
We all know that “mega-concerts” are starting to become a thing of the past. Those $50 and up ticket prices are hard to justify with the economy in its current condition. Lots of big name acts are cancelling dates due to poor ticket sales. 2010 could be the last year that you get options for big rock music festival. Hopefully not, but just in case…choose wisely, my son.
Another Interesting Fact: Although he was never on the schedule (except in 1985), Ted Nugent showed up almost every year and joined in. In 1978, he passed out on stage during his set due to the excessive heat that day.
Rockstar Energy Mayhem Festival
8/13/10 – Superpages.com Center I like caffeine. I like mayhem. I like metal. I like festivals. Put this into a complex scientific formula (c/m2 + m x F/ me) and you get the Rockstar Energy Mayhem Festival. It’s going to be blazing hot and a perfect reason to act like a delinquent and drink a few more beers than you should. Don’t forget to pump those fists in the air. Korn, Lamb of God, Five Finger Death Punch, In This Moment and plenty more. All that’s missing is Mr. Hellbilly Deluxe…oh wait…Rob Zombie is headlining. This is too good to be true.
09/26/10 – Superpages.com Center The great rock trio comes to town offering “An Evening with Rush.” I took the band up on this offer on the Test for Echo tour and was not disappointed. This is 3 solid hours of “slappin da bass” with the Prog Rock Gods. The real deal here is that they’ll be playing their album “Moving Pictures” in its entirety. This will be one of those stories you tell your kids in 20 years that might gain you some cred when they suddenly decide listening to your old “CD’s” is cool.
by: Ed Westerman – www.edwesterman.com
Double Wide 3510 Commerce. If it’s music you’re looking for, Double Wide is the place. From rock to country and just about everything in between, chances are you’ll find it at Double Wide! Welcome to the wrong side of the tracks!
House of Blues 2200 North Lamar. If Granada is the grand-daddy, HOB is the rich step-father of venues. Slick and to the point with its killer sound and unobstructed sightlines…although same “corporate ownership” complaints in relation to ticket prices, and COB (cost of booze).
Poor David’s Pub 1313 South Lamar. Plastic chairs and intimate lounge setting. Looks like you should still be able to smoke in here. Last time I was there, we had a pizza delivered to the front door…
SuperPages (or whatever it is this year…) 1818 First Avenue, Fair Park. Hate to give props to a property owned by the baby-huey industry devil LiveNation, but have seen some great acts here over the years, and you can’t beat a lawn seat in the spring time. I have also always found that even with reserved seats here, none of them are that bad. Getting in and out sucks; kevlar helps as a fashion accessory.
The Kessler 1230 West Davis, Oak Cliff. The historic Kessler Theater opened in 1942 and was once owned by Gene Autry. It has been hit by a tornado, burned down and served as a revival tabernacle. It has been dormant for 30 years, but things they are a changing. It has very recently ramped up a wide variety of musical offerings – Witness the resurrection!
Sons of Hermann Hall – 3414 Elm, Deep Ellum. Approaching the century mark since it opened, this is the great-granddaddy of the local scene! Simple, but great menu, cold, cheap beer, and a bowling alley complement a beautiful stage and dance-hall style room where some bootscootin’ gets accomplished. A destination and historical landmark, in and of itself.
July 14 - 20, 2010 13
What the hell happened Hambright to gentlemen? You know, by: Dennis www.dennishambright.com real men with real manners--guys that take their hats off when they come into the house, and open doors for ladies and show respect for their elders. I was born in Texas, and learned at a young age that being a gentleman was a hallmark of men from the South, and something to be proud of. If some Yankee acted like a fool, we understood it wasn’t really his fault. He just wasn’t raised right, and we felt sorry for him. If you were from Texas, though, and didn’t show manners and respect, you knew Dad was going to thump you on top of the head or Mom was going to give you an excruciating twistingpinch on that real sensitive spot on the inside of your upper arm. And if you disrespected your teachers, the Principal or Coach would light the seat of your pants on fire with a wooden paddle. And the truth is, they should have. I think we need to put away the “sensitivity manual” and bring back the paddle! I can’t believe the things young men do these days, and seem proud of it. They refer to their girlfriend as a “Biotch,” cuss at and threaten their teachers and use horrifically vulgar language in public places. Sure, they see that same ridiculous behavior glorified on television and movies, and hear it in popular music, but that really isn’t why they act that way themselves. The reason is, because they just aren’t being raised right. That’s right, parents, it’s your fault! I’m proud my parents taught me some manners. I deserved every thump and pinch I got, and I’m glad for it. I just wish more parents would quit worrying about being politically correct, and worry more about teaching their young men to be gentleman.
Here’s a few things real men and real gentlemen should always do: Be Polite: If you’re going into
a building and see a lady coming up behind you, wait a few extra seconds and hold the door open for her. Open car doors and get up and offer your seat to a lady on a crowded bus or in a waiting room. You’ll be amazed how surprised they’ll be to see an actual gentleman at work. If you see an elderly woman or a pregnant lady with a load of groceries or packages, offer to help them with their bags.
The last time I was sitting having a coffee at a sidewalk café, I was appalled by the absurd picture of pets dressed to the nines and trotting along side their overindulgent owners. Tutus? On a poodle, quite ridiculous. But Show Some Manners: on a golden retriever? That is getting Gentlemen don’t cuss and fart and to the level of ludicrous. Now, I am scratch and show the vast extent of all for pets ditching the stupid outfits their locker room behavior in public and going au naturelle, but I also don’t places. Sure, gentlemen are guys, want to be faced with a huge mass of too, and we’re all going to have our dangling dog balls as I’m drinking “baboon-displays,” but save it for my morning coffee. For God’s the other “baboons;” keep it in its sake, put a pair of pants on that place. If you see other miscreants pitbull! acting unmannerly around women And what’s up with and children and elderly people, you those curly tailed should politely suggest that they dogs flashing their tone it down a little. buttholes at me? That might be atto other Stand Up For Women: tractive dogs, but I do not Sure, I believe in equal rights and want to see that. women being independent, but B!tch, please! And I also believe it’s a gentleman’s don’t get me started responsibility to stand up for women on those chihuahuas in need. No woman should ever that are so delicate that be mistreated or abused or be the they can’t even walk. Their owners victim of disrespect if a gentleman is nearby. Guys that mistreat women strut by, pushing the yapping beasts in are nothing but cowards and punks, strollers. I guess this is when their arm gets too tired from carrying the pooch and that’s why they pick on girls like an oversized handbag. instead of men. I’m not saying you I often see these little furballs have to go all macho on someone on the loose–clearly they are expenand start whipping out the Chuck sive breeds, but their owners see fit Norris karate moves, but a gentleto let them wander about without a man should always stand up when leash. Well, they should beware of a woman is mistreated. Make it the crazed pet rescuers that are roamknown that she’s not alone and that ing the neighborhood, looking for the behavior won’t be tolerated. slightest hint of mange or overgrown
by: Jesse Whitman “A Woman’s Perspective”
toenails - a sure sign of pet neglect. These people (usually b!tches) will snatch your little ankle biter so fast you will have the humane society on speed dial. So, apparently doggy fashion is now a multimillion dollar industry. What the hell? What kind of a$$hole spends this kind of money on their damn dog outfits? I’ll tell you what kind. The same kind that is a single loser showing you pictures of their dogs from their wallets. The same kind that has websites for their pets - these animals have their own facebook pages, twitter feeds. Hell, some of these dogs have more followers than I do! I read a headline from my local paper stating that a woman’s dog had been mugged while tied up outside a shop. The dog’s clothes, described as a wool peacoat with brass buttons, accompanied by a jeweled nubbuck collar. The dog’s owner was quoted: “At least he wasn’t wearing his Gucci jacket that day.” I don’t know what made me want to vomit more - that a dog had been mugged in my neighborhood, or the fact that this snooty bag of fleas had better outfits than me. I say, give me a good, all American dog, with it’s a$$hole discretely covered by a tail, and its only accessory a stick to catch.
Photo Courtesy: Pete Souza, Jon Tidmarsh, Pleple2000
Real Men Are
14 July 14 - 20, 2010
by: Kelly G. Reed
“Dude with an Appetite”
Fuzzy: The New F Word
Fuzzy’s Taco Shop 10 Metroplex Locations www.fuzzystacoshop.com
Fuzzy’s Taco Shop opened their first store in July of 2003 and haven’t looked back. Apparently, the concept was the brainchild of four guys hanging out one day complaining about the expensive beer and food they were having. They decided that it would be best to start a place that would provide a great taco and a cold one affordably as well as having a place where someone would enjoy just hanging out. That brainchild has grown to 10 metroplex locations with at least five more on the way. When you first walk in and take a look, you will see how closely they work with the community--from the bulletin board to the magnetic signs of local businesses to the various business cards and pamphlets lying around. To the well-trained eye, though, you will also notice their subtle sense of humor with the double entendres such as “What’s in your taco?” and “We put the T & A in Taco” on the walls. The relaxed atmosphere with vibrant colors begs you to explore the establishment. At Fuzzy’s, the customers cue and place their order at the register. After paying, they get their drinks, grab a seat and wait for their number to be called.
Fuzzy’s Taco Shop describes its entrees as “Baja Style Mexican,” so take the idea of Tex-Mex and throw it out the window. For appetizers, they offer the standards such as chips with salsa, guacamole or queso. The gem though is the Original Nachos: a mound of chips served with chicken, beef or pork. When it’s cold outside, you can try a bowl of their Corn and Tortilla Soup or Black Bean Soup. The quesadillas are listed as an appetizer with the four food groups represented (chicken, fajita beef, shrimp and veggie). Do note though that the quesadilla will serve as a meal for most folks, but is a true appetizer for the average Blitz Weekly reader. True to the owner’s word, Fuzzy’s offers a myriad of Baja Tacos. With several options to choose from, you could frequent the restaurant for nine straight days and not have the same selection. Choices range from the usual line-up such as grilled shrimp, fish, chicken and shredded pork to the unusual like tempura fish, garlic shredded beef and their special ground beef. All tacos can be ordered regular or for the daring try the habenero version for a little spice in your taco. They’re topped with lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, cilantro, feta and garlic sauce. Just let them know that you want them soft or crispy. Fuzzy’s does not mislead when they state that they have Big Salads. They’re served in a massive stainless steel bowl with tomatoes, onions, cheese, feta, cilantro and a huge helping of lettuce. The salad is accompanied by sizeable portions that you select such as garlic shredded beef, grilled chicken, tempura or grilled shrimp, grilled veggies or beef or chicken fajita meat. If you feel you need to spice things up a bit with the entrees then grab a bottle of Fuzzy’s Butt Burnin’ Hot Sauce. They make it themselves and you can buy a bottle to take home. The sauce has a nice flavor but won’t make you sweat.
The Beer Factor:
The four guys who wanted to drink on the cheap made sure their patrons could, as well. Fuzzy’s offers 18 oz schooners for $2.25 all day, every day. Flavors are Miller Lite, Coors Light and Bud Light. You also have Widmer for $3.25 and Shiner for $3.00 All beer goes well with the experience at Fuzzy’s Taco Shop!
July 14 - 20, 2010 15 blitzweekly.com
Seletti Boxitalia Punching Bag & Boxing Gloves
Bring the look and feel of an old, well-worn boxing gym home with Seletti Boxitalia Punching Bag & Boxing Gloves. Made from vintage-style brown leather, these professional-level training tools sport a classic design and feel, making your new home setup looking as authentic as you can get without hiring Rocky to chase a chicken around your yard. Price - $110-$325
Puma Chalk Ping Pong Table
The ultimate ping pong table? Perhaps. The Puma Chalk Ping Pong Table is at once the sexiest and most expensive table tennis setup we’ve ever seen, built with ash wood legs and a unique ceramic chalk top surface that lets you keep score, draw shot pattern reminders, or just goof around with nothing but a piece of chalk. Designed by Aruliden for Puma, the table also offers an open shelf integrated into the table top that acts as storage space for paddles, balls, and other necessary tools, while the silver chain link fence-style finishes off the package. Price - $3,900
Tanita BC-350 Ironman Body Composition Monitor
As if you didn’t already have enough feedback from your scale following your 6-month bacon excursion, along comes the Tanita BC-350 Ironman Body Composition Monitor. Yes, that’s right: for under three Benjamins you can be gawking at the percentage of body fat, body water, muscle mass, bone mass, and other clinical-sounding measurements, all made by this scale. Price - $270
Five Rules for Formal Wear Here are five rules to remember when dressing for a formal night out on the town or a job interview. Sure, some rules are meant to be broken, but not following these guidelines will make you look ridiculous, not rebellious.
Never wear a short sleeve shirt with a tie. Short-sleeved, button down shirts are perceived as lower class apparel these days, as in you are wearing it as part of your janitor’s outfit or you’re a fast-food manager. The shorter sleeves are meant to be functional, not fashionable. If you are going for a job that pays over $20k a year, go with long sleeves…even in the Texas heat. And FYI, most ladies hate these, unless it’s meant for casual wear, like a pearl snap shirt.
Trousers should be long enough to cover your socks, and socks should cover your shins even when you cross you legs. Some of you think that this is common sense, but I saw offenders of this rule just last week. And when you do cross your legs, make sure the socks you show aren’t some blinding color. I know you might think that a pink shirt might warrant pink socks, but
not in the work place. I think it is a sign of a serious control freak. Match the socks to the pants.
Belts should match your shoes. Again, you might be thinking that this is common sense, but I have seen you out there, wearing your brown belt and black shoes. It’s not a huge investment, guys. Go to Ross and find belts to match your dress shoes. I know most of you only have three pairs at best, anyway.
Suit and Sports jackets are symbols of authority. Many guys ask themselves if they should wear a jacket to an interview and the answer is yes. However, the bottom buttons of men’s jackets are not designed to be buttoned. Why? King Edward VII (1841 – 1910, King 1901 - 1910) was so heavy that he could not get the bottom button fastened on his vest. His subjects, taking it as a fashion statement, followed his lead and today most men’s suits, sports jackets or vests are not designed to button the bottom button. Single-breasted suits can have one, two, three or more buttons. Two and three button jackets are classic, one or more than three get you into the fashion forward are-
by: Jennifer Wayne “Foxie and Fashionable”
And ties need to have dimples under the knot...
na, which is more suitable for social events than business. With two button jackets, only the top button is fastened. With three button jackets, you can close the middle, or middle and top button. Four or more button jackets may be designed to fasten all the buttons, even the bottom. If the bottom button of a four button can be closed without a noticeable pulling of the fabric, it’s ok to close or leave it open.
Suit and Sports jackets should fit properly which includes showing 1/4” to 1/2” of shirtsleeve at the jacket sleeve. Anything more or less and you just have to face the fact that it is time to go shopping!
By: Sybil Summers
Best Cellmates for Lindsay Lohan 10. Another SCRAM Bracelet - To match her left ankle. 9. James Robinson - This studio exec fired off a letter calling Lin-Z a “spoiled brat” and demanded that she straighten up her act. He could schedule a designated lecture time each day. 8. Hilary Duff - It’s been years since they scrapped over that cute girl Aaron Carter, but you know there’s still a grudge brewing just under the surface. 7. Dina Lohan - Lindsay’s mom-ager would keep her name alive by releasing fabricated stories while in lock-up. 6. Nick Jonas - It would be a great social experiment. Can she corrupt him in a 90-day period? 5. Avril Lavigne One word: Catfight. 4. Brandon Davis - He’s the guy who was hanging out with Paris Hilton and got caught on tape calling Lohan a “firecrotch”. ‘Member him? 3. E*Trade Baby - How fun would it be to watch him hang with that “milkaholic”? 2. Judge Marsha Revel - She could discuss Lilo’s “F.U.” nail polish design for hours on end.
1. TMZ Camera - A 24-hour feed would be so entertaining, I’d pay for a subscription. Especially if they could throw her crazy dad in there with her.
HORRORSCOPES Cancer (Jun. 22 – Jul. 22)
You are inventive and imaginative, which explains your habitual lying. You have no sex appeal whatsoever and are lucky to have no sexual drive. Your idea of fine food usually involves some form of hot dogs.
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22) Your idea that you’re attractive to the opposite sex is rooted in your vivid imagination. The rest of us laugh a lot about that. Hair in nose presents social handicap Friday night.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) You are loyal, hard working, and trustworthy, which helps explain why you are a minimum wage flunky. You have no special skills not involving a broom.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower? A: The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) You are persistent and determined when striving for a goal, but have no clue how to achieve it. All your friends pretend not to notice your lack of intelligence--at least to your face.
Q: What’s the German national team’s favorite film? A: Out of Africa Q: What is the hardest thing about roller-blading? A: Telling your dad you’re gay. Scaring the Kids! A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!” The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, covering on the closet floor. “You bastard,” the man says, “my wife is having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”
July 14 - 20, 2010 17
ACROSS: 1. Neuter 5. Sweater eater 9. Complete 14. Wan 15. Murres 16. Poplar tree 17. Largest continent 18. Dread 19. Not above 20. For what reason 22. Suffered 23. Tot watcher 24. Accumulate 26. Female sheep 29. Wound 33. Someone from the capital of France 38. One of two masses found in most throats 39. Memorable periods 40. Mendicant 42. Tins 43. Distant 45. Travel across 47. Mortarboard attachment 48. Deli loaf 49. Underground burial
chamber 52. Perspiration 57. Yellowish-brown 60. Cranky 63. Cunning 64. Secular 65. Bit 66. Bygone 67. Cocoyam 68. Shut a door forcefully 69. Fliers in V’s 70. Spotted 71. Thick bituminous liquids DOWN: 1. Offspring 2. Ottoman title 3. Unearthly 4. Desire strongly 5. Mishandle 6. Chocolate cookie 7. Crown 8. Wives and concubines 9. Hot sauce 10. The act of obeying 11. Inform 12. Found in skin lotion 13. Driven by lust
21. Visual organs 25. Away from the right path 27. Uxorial 28. Hearing organ 30. Russian emperor 31. Ancient Hebrew units of liquid measure 32. Ultimatum ender 33. Saucy 34. Neighborhood 35. Male sheep (plural) 36. Kind of triangle 37. Louse-to-be 41. Arranger (abbrev.) 44. Belonging to this world 46. Sleeveless garment 50. Heaps 51. Exchange 53. Midsection 54. Hemorrhagic fever 55. Communion table 56. League members 57. All excited 58. Donkey 59. Wait 61. Carnival attraction 62. Computer symbol
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) You are extraordinarily intelligent and articulate, and those around you appreciate intelligence in someone so ugly. You’re known among co-workers as “Horse Face.” Now is a good time to buy breath mints wholesale.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) You are conservative and against taking risks. This makes you the dullest person in your circle of friends, considering your utter lack of ambition and/or imagination.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) You are compassionate, understanding and sympathetic; that’s why you are known among friends as a sucker. Check career opportunities at Taco Bell.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) You’re clever and able to achieve notoriety; that’s why your friends regard you as a self-centered boor. You most likely have never watched a PBS program, but if you did, you didn’t understand it.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20) You are shrewd in business matters and can usually get your way with others. That’s why everyone despises you. Your friends enjoy having parties that are kept secret from you.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19) You are artistic and imaginative, but that stems from your warped view of reality. This weekend is a good time to search for your real father.
Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20) You have no sex appeal to go along with your inordinately powerful sex drive. Friday night is a good time to rent videos at New Fine Arts. Now beat it!
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 21) You are a proud bastard with your goods on display at this weekend’s Genital Festival. Stay focused so things don’t get too hard.
18 July 14 - 20, 2010
LeBron Watch 2010 is Finally Over. Rejoice, People! REJOICE! The dust has settled and not only does the socalled “King” have a new team but the NBA world has a new villain. After a ridiculously stupid hour long ESPN special, LeBron spurned his home town to prance on down to Miami. In his reality, this is a move that will set up his left hand for a set of championship rings and allows for his “brand” to move worldwide. But his reality is his alone. In the real world, the situation is a little different. Let’s go through the checklist. Spurned the team that bent over backwards for you for the better part of a decade? Check. Supposedly quit on the team during the playoffs? Check. Strung a handful of teams and cities along for months in order to milk every second of his decision? Check. Took the easiest possible route to a supposed championship? Check. Did it in such a way that makes it incredibly hard to like the guy? Double check.
Look, the guy is a great basketball player. I’m not saying he’s not. But he is now the poster boy for what is wrong with the NBA. He hasn’t won a championship. He has a lot to prove. People love to hate Kobe. He really doesn’t have to prove anything. Even Artest has a ring. So who are we going to hate? He makes it easy. Over blown narcissist with delusions of grandeur and nothing but a back log of broken-hearted fans, pissed off executives and an ego so big that it requires its own agent? Sounds like a meteoric fall from grace to me. Sign me up for a front row seat on the Anti-LeBron James bandwagon. I’ll see you all there soon.
Photos Courtesy: Matt Pearce