WHY I LIKE RETIREMENT! Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday. Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime? Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
JOKES FOR FRANK WITH THANKS TO JACK DRUNKEN RAMBLING A drunk came staggering into a pub one afternoon, perched himself unsteadily on a stool and said: “Hey barman! Gimme a wubble diskey!” The barman stared at him for a moment, scratched his head, then realised the bloke wanted a double whiskey. He’d obviously had a few too many, but the barman was so amused at the drunk’s words, he served him. The bloke knocked back the drink and demanded another. “Another wubble diskey!” he called. “Another wubble diskey, ‘cos I’m going shabbit rooting.” “Do what?” queried the barman. Then he realised what the drunk had said, and burst out laughing. “Rabbit shooting! You’re going rabbit shooting,” said the barman. “Too right, mate,” said the drunk. “An’ I wanna wubble diskey, ‘cos I’m gunna grab me rusty trifle an’ go shabbit rooting.” The barman, trying not to laugh any more, served the drunk. “Thanks, mate,” the drunk said. “I’m gunna jump in me Crand Luiser, scread for the hub and root shabbits.” “You want a double whiskey, you’re going to grab your trusty rifle, jump in your Land Cruiser, head for the scrub and shoot rabbits,” the barman translated, serving the man his drink. The barman was still laughing when the drunk headed for the door. “What was all that about?” another customer asked. The barman grinned. “That drunk,” he explained. “Got all his words muddled up. He said he wanted a wubble diskey and he was going to grab his rusty trifle, jump in his Crand Luiser, scread for the hub and root shabbits. “You know what? It shickled the tit out of me!”
Cartoon Source: funny-pictures.funmunch.com
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. “Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation.” Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
Answer: Tied shoes.
The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?” The bank manager looks back at her and says... “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS! Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal. Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending coffee break. Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. And, my very favourite.... Question: What do you do all week? Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.