Self-Care on the Inside: Vitally Important and Hard as Hell

By Alice Saphire Duchene, inside member and AC Watts, M.S. in Marriage and Family Therapy

“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” -Audre Lorde

Self-care is a concept that has become so commodified in recent history that many have come to associate it more with capitalist indulgence than with meeting your basic needs. In a recent article in Omaha newspaper The Reader, community organizer Danielle Powell describes her own process of reclaiming the term and personal practice as the revolutionary act of perseverance defined by Audre Lorde. Powell had learned to associate self-care with the contradictions and violence of oppressive systems that often harm Black folks for practicing self-care and had developed a visceral reaction to mere mentions of the term. As Powell, Lorde, and many other queer and trans Black women and femmes have taught us, when it comes to surviving to fight another day in an oppressive system, self-care is vital.

Self-care can be hard enough under capitalism, white supremacy, and other systems of harm. Inside the carceral system, it can be met with seemingly endless barriers, especially for queer and trans folks. When cameras are always watching. When other inmates are waiting for you to slip up and show weakness. When COs are looking for any excuse to make your time harder. When every external action is scrutinized, how do you prioritize or create space for caring for your deepest needs? In this article, we will explore self-care through the triangular prism of mind, body, and spirit—addressing the barriers that the system creates and suggesting practices to care for yourself as an act of resistance.

Mind

We can find solace in the endless horizons of the mind. In my (ASD) nearly two decades of incarceration, I have engaged numerous tactics in honing and maintaining my mind. Reading how- to guides, taking classes, seeking out intelligent conversation, and even doodling have all helped me keep my wits. However, there are many challenges to creating and maintaining mental well-being in the carceral system. We know from research on the effects of incarceration on mental health and well-being, that incarceration in general, and solitary confinement in particular can both create and exacerbate existing mental health issues. Many facilities limit or completely prohibit access to the tools that people might use to care for their minds. In line with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, we are unable to attend to the care needs of our minds when our safety needs are not met. The climate of fear, vigilance, and control created by the way prisons are run is an enormous obstacle to mental well-being. How, then, can anyone care for their mind in the face of such oppression?

Create a feeling of safety

People are incredibly resilient. Even in the face of structural violence and control, we are often able to create spaces of safety within our environment or even just within ourselves. I (ACW) have been inspired by the stories of resilience and solidarity shared by people who have survived and are surviving incarceration. People find amazing and creative ways to maintain a safe space

Volume 11, Issue 4 in an unsafe place: through relationships of mutual care, through routines and practices that cultivate wellness and normalcy, and through intentional escapism into a story or the self. I (ASD) practice mindfulness. I do what I can to cut out the external noise and seek the head space where I can reconcile my ability to control only my own actions. I remind myself what I am working towards. I try to read. I try to write. But more than anything else, I endure. There is a place of stillness deep in the center of myself where the storm can rage but I endure. My best life is yet to come if I can persist.

Create purpose

Hope is powerful, and it is driven by purpose. No purpose is too small or too simple if it keeps you going. For Alice, that has meant using her time and especially her mind productively. We had to have a conversation about what that means to her; because to me (ACW), an obsession with productivity is how capitalism keeps workers too busy and stressed to organize and fight for change. Where we found common ground was in our understanding that in a carceral system that seeks to erode the self, having purpose and intention can be a powerful way to protect the self from despair.

Body

Prison seeks to break us down, but we must persist. The

blackandpink.org mind dwells within the body, and so we must care for the house to keep the occupant healthy. Eating healthy whenever possible, exercising, honing motor skills through sports or even doodling, and physical practices like yoga and meditation that help create safety and purpose; can all keep the body from deteriorating.

Access to basic health resources, and even quality medical care, can be seriously lacking in most U.S. prisons and jails, and at times accessing the resources that are available comes with risks. Sometimes the best someone can manage is akin to my (ASD) experience two years into a two and a half year stint in solitary where I would force myself to get up and shuffle back and forth a few times every 20 minutes or so to stop myself from sleeping during the day so I could maintain a sleep schedule. When it comes to caring for your body, do what you can. If it is safe, you can develop a relationship with your body and learn to listen to its needs. Sometimes learning to ignore the body and tune out its needs is what is necessary for survival. In that case, self-care might be better practiced as a routine or series of tasks: eat, sleep, clean, rest, move.

Spirit

In a microcosm such as prison where hugs are signs of weakness, compassion is blasphemy, and kindness can

Page 11 get you killed; protecting the spirit can be an enormous task. Whatever your religion, creed, or faith; the spirit is the binding glue of the self. Some people understand this part through the lens of their faith, others understand it as more of a humanistic idea of energy, community, and interconnectedness. When we talk about self-care of the spirit, we mean any and all of that, so long as you find it personally meaningful. In this part of the self dwells hope, motivation, and compassion. Nurture this part with whatever brings you even a small measure of joy: family, friends, books, television, animals, church, or even the simple pleasure of making another person smile. I (ASD) know that in prison religion can be synonymous with prison politics, that enjoying the antics of a sparrow can get you mocked, and that expressing joy at another’s success can destabilize your standing on the yard.

Hold on. You are not alone. Where there is life, there is hope; where there is hope, there is joy.