/1329660444757288920 by Bill Schmalfeldt

Why I Hate America, Freedom and Everything Decent

Bill Schmalfeldt

Copyright ÂŠ 2011 Bill Schmalfeldt All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form except for the inclusion of brief quotations in review without permission of the author. Published in the United States of America ISBN: 1463657684 ISBN-13: 978-1463657680

FOREWORD What a wonderful world this would be if we were all British. When our British Cousins decide to have an election, they announce a date, they campaign for a few weeks, the vote, and they’re DONE with it… until the next time they call an election. Here on the other side of the pond as I write this (June 27, 2011) we are still a year and four months away from the Presidential Election. Hell, we’re six months away from the first caucuses and primaries to determine who will face President Obama. Yet, every day we are barraged with stories about who’s the front-runner, who is out of the race, who will win, who will lose, what the latest poll numbers say and all the latest analysis that means absolutely nothing. And it’s not like we’re paying attention anyway! The American People, if we’ve proved ANYTHING, it’s that we have the attention span of a goldfish. How else does one explain that the Republicans took over the House of Representatives just two years after the electorate gave the GOP its walking papers for screwing everything up very near to the point of being irreparable. For the political satirist, these are golden days. And there is much to write about.

DEDICATION Thanks to my editors at Technorati.com for allowing me to publish my hatefilled screed on their bandwidth. Thanks to my internet readers, both at Observations of a Brain-Damaged Troll and my personal blog at http://billschmalfeldt.com. Thanks to the doctors and researchers who continue to search for a cure and better treatments for Parkinsonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s disease. And especially, thanks to Gail for having the patience of a saint. She hasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t murdered me YET!

Table of Contents Table of Contents.............................................................................. xiii 1. Should Obama have used interview opportunity to school O’Reilly?........................................................................................................ 1 2. A new Despot Arises – in Wisconsin!..............................................4 3. Some Notes and Funny Pics from cpac...........................................7 4. TIME FOR SOME HARD TRUTH, FOLKS........................................13 5. Satire Requires a Scalpel, Not a Meat Cleaver!..........................17 6. HARKEN NOW TO THE FABLE OF THE RATTLESNAKE............23 7. GOV. WALKER NEGOTIATES (A FANTASY).................................. 25 8. Mr. Peabody Explains the Death of Organized Labor in America...................................................................................................... 29 9. Limbaugh Calls Michelle Obama “Fat”.......................................... 35 10. A Question: Just How F*cking Stupid ARE We Anyway?.......43 11. America, You Voted for This!........................................................ 48 12. Newt Cheated Because He Loves America SO Much!............. 53 13. How We Might Trick Conservatives into Thinning Their OWN Ranks a Bit...................................................................................... 56 14 I Think I Finally Understand this Whole Libya Thing… .........61 15. If it Walks Like a Hitler and Talks Like a Hitler… .................. 65 16. Where is This “Real America” the Teabaggers Long For?....69 17 They Gave Bristol Palin $260K to Promote Abstinence? Can I Get a Hunk of That to Promote Something?.................................... 74 18. Republipigs Take Hostages! Oink for More Slop!!................. 80 19 Government 'By the People' or 'Buy the Politician'?..............86 20. EmoProgressives – Quit Whining and Grow Up!!!.................. 91 21. NEWS IN REVIEWS........................................................................... 94 22. Crackuh, PLEASE!............................................................................. 97 23. Blowing the Lid off the GOP Conspiracy.................................107 24. TIME FOR SOME BULLSHIT REPELLENT................................. 114 25. At Least Be HONEST About Your Obama Hatred!................. 124 26. Explaining Racism: Why Do the Heathen Rage?................... 132

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27. Explaining Racism: It’s HARD Out There for a CEO.............142 28. Hi There. I’m Newt Gingrich. I’d Like to Be Your President. Maybe, Your Lover. We’ll see............................................................ 147 29. Hi. I’m Michele Bachmann. I’d Like to Be Your Presi… LOOK BEHIND YOU!!! RIGHT NOW!!! YAAAAAAAAAH!!!.................... 150 30. Hi! I’m Mitt Romney. I’d Like to Be Your President. I Can Be Crazy TOO!.............................................................................................. 153 31. Hi! I’m Ron Paul. I’d Like to Be Your FINAL President!......158 32. Whoops! I Went and Got the Pauliana’s MAD at Me!..........161 33. Yep! I Went and Upset the Pauliana’s REAL GOOD This Time! .................................................................................................................... 164 34. Hi. I'm Newt Gingrich. And if You Repeat What I Said on 'Meet the Press', You're a Liar!......................................................... 171 35. Daniels Decision to Forego 2012 Campaign Not Afffected by Non-Suspicion Whack to the Head................................................. .177 36. Howdy, Folks! Ah'm Tim Pawlenty! And Ah'm a-Runnin' fer Presydint!............................................................................................... 181 37. Has God Opened the WHOLE CAN???....................................... 184 38. Dems Win NY #26, Cantor Murders Old Woman.................. 187 39. Memorial Day: IT'S ALL ABOUT CARIBOU BARBIE!............190 40. Let’s Play JOURNALIST!................................................................ 195 41. The Midnight Ride of Sarah Palin............................................. 198 42. SARAH’s Rebuttal to Her History Critics................................. 205 43. Schmalfeldt’s Inferno!.................................................................. 208 44. The Media Is Just Doing Its Job...................................................216 45. A FAUX NEWS EXCLUSIVE: HUMAN MALE AROUSED BY NAKED PHOTOS OF WOMEN............................................................. 220 46. Alabammy Shows Them Fellers in Georgia How to DO Racial Profiling!................................................................................................. 224 47. The Recent Conservative Swooning Over Sarah Palin’s “EMail from God” Proves TONS of People Bought Her Book and Never Bothered to READ It!!............................................................. 227 48. Caribou Barbie’s Actual E-Mail from GOD (I Was CC’ed!). 231 49. I Accidentally Drugged, Smothered, then Drowned My Baby and Ditched It In the Woods, Went Partying for 30 Days and Never Told a Soul. Forgive Me?....................................................... 236

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50. If I Call You "Stupid," Accept it in the Spirit it was Offered .................................................................................................................... 240 51. DOOM IS UPON US! IT APPROACHES E'EN NOW!!!...............244 52. I Like Jon Huntsman. Therefore, He Is Doomed! ................. 250 53. Debt Ceiling Squabble Reminds Us of the Folly of Dealing with Terrorists...................................................................................... 255 54. Shut Up and Eat Your Damn Tree Bark, You Brats! Daddy's a Goddamn PATRIOT!!!.......................................................................... 261 55. GAYS? Getting MARRIED? LEGALLY? GOODBYE, CIVILIZATION!!!.................................................................................... 264

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1. Should Obama have used interview opportunity to school Oâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;Reilly?1

First of all, I don't understand what President Obama hoped to accomplish by being interviewed by Bill O'Reilly during today's Super Bowl coverage. But as long as he was determined to do it, I would have been thrilled if our nation's leader would have taken this opportunity to TEACH the loudmouth, loutish O'Reilly a thing or two about science. The "moon," for instance. O'Reilly still doesn't understand it. Oh, he gets that it causes the tides and stuff, but who PUT the moon there? Howcum MARS doesn't have a moon? Huh? Howcum? Okay, how did the moon get there? How'd the moon get there? Look, you pinheads who attacked me for this, you guys are just 1

Originally published February 6, 2011 on Technorat.com

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desperate. How'd the moon get there? How'd the sun get there? How'd it get there? Can you explain that to me? How come we have that and Mars doesn't have it? Venus doesn't have it. How come? Why not? How'd it get here? Well, Bill, there are a couple prevailing opinions on how the moon got there. Either it was an asteroid that got caught in Earth's gravitational pull, or else there was some great impact on the Earth by an asteroid or a comet or something that caused a huge amount of debris to form into a solid object and rotate the earth. And howcum MARS doesn't have that? Sir, Mars DOES have that. TWO of that. Deimos and Phobos. Jupiter? Now there's a really BIG planet with a LOT of moons! 63 of 'em at last count! Saturn? The big planet with the pretty rings? 62 moons. Uranus? (Ha ha ha! That's FUNNY to say, huh, Bill?) There's a ring of debris around Uranus! 27 moons. Neptune has 13 of the pesky little blighters. And nobody really thinks of Pluto as a planet any more. Oh, sure, he's a funny cartoon doggie in the Disney cartoons. But Pluto is generally considered now to be one of five dwarf planets in the solar system. And it has 3 moons. The other four dwarf planets? Ceres? No moons. Haumea? Two moons. Eris? One little ol' moon. Makemake? No moons at ALL! So, Bill, ol' planet Earth is something of a PIKER as far as Moons go. Only ONE? Surely if God were in charge of which planets got how many moons, he would have made sure we had at least one more moon than JUPITER, don't you think? No. Of course you don't. And now, from the Kids in the Hall...

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Mark: Hey, see that moon? No that one there. Dave and Bruce: Ahh. Mark: I think that moon is a bit of a spy. Yes I do. There was a moon like that on the summer of my sixteenth year. Some say I was sixteen but [sigh] I don't know. And there was a girl, too; her name was Marie. At night together we would walk down by the sea and oh my god if you could see the body on this woman. The way at night her long legs would stick into the moist night sand like gods own barge poles, you know. And I longed to tell her the feeling I had in my heart for her but the words would not come, they would not come through my spotty adolescent face, they would not come through my angry hair or my sweaty feet or any other part on this body that I now call a man. So the words je t'aime were never passed between us but the moon, yes, that moon spied on us. [He takes a drink of wine then passes the bottle to Bruce] Bruce: The moon is bright over Lebanon tonight! The Lebanese moon looks down shim! sham! shikam!!! Cattle Explodes! Cow shrapnel drips off a tree cascades into a mothers tear. Poor little boy who goes into battle and comes back dead or worse comes back a man. Why don't you warn them moon? Why don't you say duck or scram? But the moon will not. The moon just sits there grinning like a corpse at a Dean Martin roast. What are you laughing at moon? Why don't you share it with the whole class moon? The moon laughs knowingly, the moon laughs, the moon, the. [He takes a drink of wine and passes the bottle to Dave] [Dave looks nervous] Dave: Gee , I wonder who owns that moon? [Dave sighs disappointedly] Mark and Bruce: Yes...yes...yes...yes.

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2. A new Despot Arises â&#x20AC;&#x201C; in Wisconsin!2

For every Hosni Mubarak who takes it on the lam when his people finally cry "ENOUGH", there's a new fascist dictator ready to take his place. Consider Wisconsin, where newly elected Republican Gov. Scott "Hosni" Walker has threatened to use the Wisconsin National Guard against his gentle nation of cheeseheads. According to published reports, Walker proposed stripping nearly all government workers of their collective bargaining rights.3 And as a warning shot across the bow, he told Wisconsin reporters Friday that he's alerted the National Guard ahead of any 2

Originally published Februrary 12, 2011 on Technorat.com

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unrest, or in the event that state services are interrupted. Under his plan, which he'll include in his forthcoming budget proposal, most state workers would no longer be able to negotiate for better pensions or health benefits or anything other than higher salaries, which couldn't rise at a quicker pace than the Consumer Price Index. Gov. Walker has decided he's had quite enough of these "unions" demanding fair treatment for their workers and has decided that state employees shall no longer be entitled to the same kind of protections enjoyed by other workers. It's a good place to start, really, because EVERYONE hates those lazy, surly, government employees. You know, the ones who teach your children? The people who repair state highways? The people in charge of Aging and Long-Term Care who look after your parents or grandparents. The ones who take care of the environment and make sure pesticides stay out of your drinking water? The state employees who look after your food safety? The public defenders? The Public Health Department? The Department of Natural Resources? The State Insurance Commission? The Ethics and Accountability Division? No more unions for you! Police officers, firefighters and state troopers? Don't worry, they're exempt. Their unions supported Walker's election bid, and he will NEED them when and if unrest erupts. Oh, and this is non-negotiable. He's cut off talks with prison guards, teachers and other state workers. Now you might think that this would make the hard working, bow necked Wisconsin worker angry! But Walker has that handled as well! The National Guard is on alert in case the people of the Badger State try to reassert their rights to fair representation in bargaining with the government. And what the hell? This sort of top-down rule by fiat has worked so well in OTHER dictatorships. And besides, it's just the state workers' unions who will be required to pay more for their health care and pensions. And it will SURELY stop THERE, right? I mean, no WAY â&#x20AC;&#x201D; with the Wisconsin National Guard on ALERT and everything â&#x20AC;&#x201D; that a governor who promised to cut taxes 5

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for the wealthiest of the wealthy would do anything that would affect the livelihoods of the NON-state worker... Would he? And if he did? WHAT COULD THEY DO ABOUT IT?

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3. Some Notes and Funny Pics from CPAC4 It's always fun when CPAC comes to town. And once again, for the second year in a row, Texas Congressman Ron Paul won the Conservative Political Action Conference straw poll for President, marking his annual "This is as close as I'll ever get to the GOP Nomination" moment.

I would like to thank Talking Points Memo and Jeff Malet for their usual fine coverage and ability to sit through CPAC without gouging out their own eardrums with their felt-tipped pens. Now, some funny, funny commentary on some of the pictures Mr. Malet took for TPM. Of course, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell was a crowd favorite!

Originally published February 12, 2011 7

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Utah Senator Orin Hatch spoke to the CPAC crowd, blissfully unaware of a large — something — in his left nostril.

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Wyoming Senator John Barasso made sure that he suffered from no such defect. Look. You can almost see his brain!

Former Minnesota Governor and Presidential Wannabe Tim Pawlenty wanted you to see HIS brain, TOO! Maybe it's just me... I can't see a THING!

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...except for what seems to be a suspect foreign object in HIS left nostril. An illegal alien, perhaps? Let's go in for a closeup.

AHA! I THOUGHT SO! (Someone give the Governor a hanky...) Although Pawlenty DID win the night's award for "Dental Excellence and Thoroughness in Flossing."

Remember that old song from Sesame Street? "One of these things is 10

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not like the other. One of these things just doesn't belong"? Can you tell which one doesn't belong?

It was tough, but it was clearly the "Obamaâ&#x20AC;?" on the left which looks NOTHING like the OTHER "Obama's" on the table. The "Hoax" on the shirt a clearly-heard dog-whistle to the birthers in the crowd. Perhaps it's just that all AfricanAmericans look the SAME to CPAC attendees. I mean, look at the problems faced by poor Michael Williams, a Texas Railroad Commissioner. â&#x20AC;¨As he was being interviewed by Evan McMorris-Santoro, a reporter for Talking Points Memo...5 When I ran into him yesterday, it appeared conservatives have not made much progress on that front. Ahead of me was a CPAC attendee rushing past, as they are wont to do in this giant place. 5

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"Hey, are you Herman Cain?" the young man asked Williams, referring to another African American conservative running for federal office and attending CPAC. I asked Williams if that happened a lot. "Not really," he told me. "A lot of people think I'm a waiter." Could it be TRUE that all Black people look the same to the average CPAC attendee?

Where would someone get an idea like THAT??? "Perhaps it's the bow tie," Williams said. Right. The "bow tie." THAT'S why they think you're a waiter. Now be quick with that Tom Collins, boy, and there might be a shiny new Roosevelt DIME in it for y'all!

WHY I HATE AMERICA, FREEDOM AND EVERYTHING DECENT

4. TIME FOR SOME HARD TRUTH, FOLKS6

I was just watching "Morning Joe" and they showed a clip from yesterday's "Meet the Press" with some congressman from Asshole, Illinois who was asked the direct question, "To cut the budget deficit, would you cut Medicare and Social Security?" The congressman gave the typical weasel response, "Well, everything has to be on the table and I don't want to say I would cut Medicare and raise the retirement age but if we don't do something we're gonna go bankrupt." My fellow Americans, it's time for some TRUTH!  Of COURSE we're going to raise the retirement age for Social Security!  Of COURSE we're going to slash Medicare benefits! 6

Originally published February 14, 2011 on Technorat.com 13

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Of COURSE we're going to balance the budget on the backs of the poor and middle class! What the hell else would you WANT us to do?  Increase Taxes on the WEALTHY? Are you STUPID??? It's the WEALTHY that got us ELECTED!!! You think we're so idiotic that we would cut off the flow of hog slop that fills our trough every day? Don't be ridiculous. Increasing Taxes on the WEALTHY? How would YOU like to be the one who has to tell Mr. Gottrocks that he can't buy that third 60-foot yacht for his mistress? That she'll have to settle for a diamond ring, instead. Do YOU want to look at those puffy, fatcircled, watery eyes and know YOU were responsible for those tears? Not ME! No, SIR! Raising the retirement age on Social Security? Genius! The rich people who still collect their full Social Security benefits won't notice the difference. And what are the POOR people gonna do about it? Form a LOBBY? March on WASHINGTON? Jesus, they DID that already, remember? Remember that whole Tea Party thing? Millions of poor and elderly white middle class Americans yowling and screaming and waving racist signs DEMANDING that we leave the rich people alone because Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck TOLD them that was the right thing to do! They know the REAL danger facing America is the fact that there's a NEE-grow in the WHITE House!!! One born in KENYA! A Muslim who doesn't believe in JESUS! A USURPER! A Manchurian Candidate WAITING for the opportunity to turn our nation, lock, stock and barrel, over to his Sharia law pals in al-Qaeda which the revolution in Egypt has made more inevitable than EVER!!! (Which is why, in addition to not raising taxes on the wealthy, we can't cut a DIME from the BIGGEST drain on our budget — the 14

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Military. We'll NEED a well-armed militia to take America BACK from this... this... this IslamofascistKenyan MarxistCommunistSocialist "You Know What" who probably uses the blood from partial-birth abortion babies to use in his Uji [a fermented Kenyan porridge — see, they can't even eat PORRIDGE without getting drunk from it!!!])

Raising the retirement age and slashing Medicare is a WONDERFUL idea! The wealthy don't NEED Medicare, and what are the POOR people gonna do about it? DIE? GOOD FOR THEM!!! Gotta go SOMETIME, after all!  No, my fellow Americans, the America I live in, the America we WANT for our CHILDREN and GRANDCHILDREN is the America that the Supreme Court SAID they could have with their Citizens United decision saying Corporations have the same rights as individual citizens. Corporations know what's best. And they won't let us ALL die... they need SOME of us to purchase their PRODUCTS. They just don't need us to MAKE their products since they can get THAT done much cheaper, with child labor in countries that don't HAVE our namby-pamby worker safety and minimum wage laws. 15

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So quit with the weaseling, Congressman! Tell the people the TRUTH! TELL THEM that you're going to cut Medicare. TELL THEM that you're going to lower benefits and raise the retirement age on Social Security. IT'S WHAT THEY VOTED FOR, sacrificing (like Americans) their own self-interests so that millionaires like Rush Limbaugh can keep a steady supply of Cuban cigars and Caribbean Viagra by the suitcase-full! The wealthy KNOW you, average poor to middle class white American! They know you'll fall for ANYTHING if it's wrapped in a flag! They KNOW that they can wrap a dog turd in gold foil, put a wrapper with a flag and a picture of Ronald Reagan on it, and you'll think it's a freakin' PATRIOT CANDY BAR!!! STAY STUPID, America! STAY ASLEEP! DO WHAT THE NICE MEN ON THE FOX TV AND TALK RADIO TELL YOU TO DO!!! They have YOUR best interests at heart. And YOUR best interests are THEIR best interests. â&#x20AC;¨(Funny how that works, eh?)

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5. Satire Requires a Scalpel, Not a Meat Cleaver!7 The Conservatives don't understand satire. They don't have the capacity for it. To a Conservative, "satire" means "making fun" of someone. Whether or not there is a grain of truth in the alleged satire is not the question. The object of "sport" must simply be mocked. The intended reader will hear all the dog whistles, realize that the "funny funny cartoon" meets with the lies they're told by Limbaugh and the other right wing professional liars, and they'll "get" the "Joke" Let me explain... when I say that Rep. Michele Bachmann has said some really stupid things, like... "I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out under another, then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence." -Rep. Michele Bachmann, on the 1976 Swine Flu outbreak that happened when Gerald Ford, a Republican, was president, April 28, 2009 ...and the new Republican majority puts her on the INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE? My friends, THAT'S SATIRE! Mere mockery? That's not satire. Let's examine these series of cartoons by James Hudnall and Batton Lash on the Biggovernment.com website (run by Andrew Breitbart, the admitted serial liar who is being sued for editing a video to make a USDA worker look racist when what she said was the opposite of racism, remember him?)

Originally published February 15, 2011 on Technorat.com 17

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See, the intended joke here is that the First Lady is ordering parents to control what their children eat, taking control of a child's diet away from the parent and investing it in government. Nothing the First Lady has done even comes CLOSE to that, any more than Nancy Reagan's "Just Say No to Drugs" was any more enforceable than the current drug laws. It is a typical job of a First Lady to be kind of a national "Mom" and say things and work on projects to improve the health and education of children. But Brietbart's hack comic drawers don't understand satire. Instead, they show the First Lady as fat and scarfing down cheeseburgers, which she doesn't do, 18

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they show Obama's ears as impossibly large, the cartoon isn't funny in the first place, and there's no grain of truth on which to hang the satire. And since when was Michele Obama"fat"? And the punch line... "Shut up and pass the bacon?" How is that a punch line? That's a punchline to an entirely different joke, like... Boenher and McConnell eating in the Capitol Cafeteria. Boehner says, "We have to get a handle on all this pork." McConnell says, "I agree. Now shut up and pass the bacon." See? Then there's this other cartoon from Breitbart's untalented hacks.

Now this one makes no sense whatsoever and serves two purposes... to reaffirm the idiotic belief that Obama is a Muslim, that Obama wants to bring Sharia law to America and that Obama bows 19

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to tyrants. Um, GEORGE BUSH HELD HANDS WITH AND KISSED THE SAUDI KING!!! No grain of truth, except the "truth" propagated by the racist Breitbart and the other racist stooges on the far right. And the punch line, if that IS a punch line, is horribly unfunny and has nothing to do with the thread of the cartoon â&#x20AC;&#x201D; such as it is! Finally...

I guess that's supposed to be Hillary Clinton on the left. And again, we find not a single grain of truth in this supposed satire. 20

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Obama's reaction to the revolution in Iran was the exact same thing as his reaction to the revolution in Egypt. Obama's reaction to the 2009 Iranian revolution...8 Obama said, “The Iranian government must understand that the world is watching. We mourn each and every innocent life that is lost. We call on the Iranian government to stop all violent and unjust actions against its own people. The universal rights to assembly and free speech must be respected, and the United States stands with all who seek to exercise those rights.” The not so subtle point to the Iranian people was sent by Obama through a Martin Luther King quote, “Martin Luther King once said – “The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.” I believe that. The international community believes that. And right now, we are bearing witness to the Iranian peoples’ belief in that truth, and we will continue to bear witness.” Obama's reaction to the 2011 Egyptian revolution...9 "Going back to the old ways is not going to work. Suppression's not going to work. Engaging in violence is not going to work. Attempting to shut down information flows is not going to work," he said in his first public response to a question about the crisis since it began the week before last. "The only thing that will work is moving (an) orderly transition process that begins right now, that engages all the parties, that leads to democratic practices, fair and free elections, a representative government that is responsive to the grievances of the Egyptian people," he added. No, gentle reader, the only difference HERE is the Conservative's feelings towards the two regimes in question. In Iran, they wanted Obama to do what Ronaldus Maximus would have done — put on his SOOOOPER President uniform, fly over to Iran and start cracking Ayatollah skulls together and then dragging President Ouchmyweeniedad outside to the square for a public bare-assed spanking and then execution. Nothing less would satisfy them, and 8

http://www.politcususa.com/en/Obama-Iran-MLK

http://www.trust.org/alertnet/news/obama-urges-mubarak-tomake-the-right-decision/ 21

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was seen as appeasement. Conservatives LIKED Mubarak. He kept a lid on the Muslim Brotherhood! He kept the lid on DEMOCRACY, which â&#x20AC;&#x201D; when you come right down to it â&#x20AC;&#x201D; Conservatives fear like kids fear the boogie man. What Obama should have done in THIS case was don the same suit, clear the square of all the protesters with a blast from his mighty super lungs, then thrown a nice party for Mubarak. And this "cartoon" also feeds into the "Obama is a Muslim" meme. This is why there has NEVER been a successful Conservative comedy. Fox News tried it. Failed. They tried it with that horrible Kelsey Grammer "American Christmas Carol". Failed. Satire is a scalpel to be used with a delicate touch. One does not use a meat cleaver and call it "satire." THERE MUST BE A GRAIN OF TRUTH! And as we've seen all too often, the only "Truth" Conservatives want to hear is that which bubbles like filth from their AM radio speakers and Fox News TV screens as Limbaugh and Hannity and O'Reilly and Beck and Coulter lie and lie and lie and lie with the understanding that the Conservative and Fox News audience is the most gullible bunch out there. And nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the average American conservative.10

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6. HARKEN NOW TO THE FABLE OF THE RATTLESNAKE11

To the people protesting in Wisconsin... To the people who will soon be protesting across America when their government is shut down... I invite you to recall The Fable of the Boy and the Rattlesnake.12 The little boy was walking down a path and he came across a rattlesnake. The rattlesnake was getting old. He asked, "Please little boy, can you take me to the top of the mountain? I hope to see the sunset one last time before I die." The little boy answered "No Mr. Rattlesnake. If I pick you up, you'll bite me and I'll die." The rattlesnake said, "No, I promise. I won't bite you. Just please take me up to the mountain." The little boy thought about it and finally picked up that rattlesnake and took it close to his chest and carried 11

Originally published February 19, 2011 on Technorat.com

http://www.indigenouspeople.net/snake.htm 23

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it up to the top of the mountain. They sat there and watched the sunset together. It was so beautiful. Then after sunset the rattlesnake turned to the little boy and asked, "Can I go home now? I am tired, and I am old." The little boy picked up the rattlesnake and again took it to his chest and held it tightly and safely. He came all the way down the mountain holding the snake carefully and took it to his home to give him some food and a place to sleep. The next day the rattlesnake turned to the boy and asked, "Please little boy, will you take me back to my home now? It is time for me to leave this world, and I would like to be at my home now." The little boy felt he had been safe all this time and the snake had kept his word, so he would take it home as asked. He carefully picked up the snake, took it close to his chest, and carried him back to the woods, to his home to die. Just before he laid the rattlesnake down, the rattlesnake turned and bit him in the chest. The little boy cried out and threw the snake upon the ground. "Mr. Snake, why did you do that? Now I will surely die!" The rattlesnake looked up at him and grinned, "You knew what I was when you picked me up." Whose fault is it that Gov. Scott Walker wants to (and will) take away the rights of state workers to collective bargaining? It's YOUR fault, Wisconsin. YOU VOTED FOR THIS! If you're a member of a state union who feels unfairly put upon (and you are being unfairly put upon), you should have worked harder to get a Democrat elected. But you didn't. Scott Walker won the election. And elections have consequences. For those of you who will find yourselves without incomes (me, included) and without federal government benefits and entitlements you need to stay alive when the Teabagging Republicans shut down the Government in two weeks, whose fault will THAT be? It's OUR fault. WE KNEW THAT'S WHAT THEY WERE GONNA DO! They SAID they were gonna do it. So when your paycheck doesn't show up, when your doctor says he can't see you if you're on Medicare, when your Social Security check doesn't show up, when the federal services you count on go undone... just remember. YOU VOTED FOR THIS. And if you DIDN'T vote for this, if you were one of the idiots who stayed home to "teach Obama a lesson for not being progressive enough," this is YOUR fault. 24

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There was an election. And elections have consequences. Gov. Walker and Speaker Boehner have every right to hiss and poke their little forked tongues at us as we stare in amazement at the little bite marks on our chest. And as we lose consciousness as a nation and as we die, the last thing we'll hear is... "You knew what we were when you voted for us."

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7. GOV. WALKER NEGOTIATES (A FANTASY)13

(The scene opens as Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker stands in front of a group of Wisconsin State Senate Democrats and State Employee Union Leaders.) GOV WALKER: I'm glad I was finally able to get Wisconsin's Senate Democrats and State Employee Union Leaders into one room so we can negotiate a final settlement to this pressing budget issue. STATE SENATOR: A cell in the Winnebago Correction Center is hardly a "room..." GOV. WALKER: ...but we're all together and we're talking and that's the important part. UNION LEADER: Except that we're on one side of the bars and you're on the other. 13

Originally published February 22, 2011 on Technorat.com 26

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GOV. WALKER: That's just to ensure your undivided attention. Now, down to business. You know we have a huge budget problem that frankly, as governor, I can't fix unless I have your help. UNION LEADER: You HAVE our help! We've OFFERED our help. In every item you've asked for. Salary, pensions, insurance, we've met your numbers. We've taken the cuts. We agree we have to sacrifice to help you balance the budget. STATE SENATOR: You have a balanced budget ON YOUR DESK! All you need to do is get us to approve it, and you can sign it and we can be on our way. GOV. WALKER: Ah! Ah! Ah! You're leaving out one little point. You're not agreeing to give up all your union rights! UNION LEADER: But why should we have to do THAT? You asked, we delivered! We're not the greedy, lazy, lean-on-a-shovel, public workers you've made us out to be to the media, especially Fox News. You asked for salary cuts. We agreed to salary cuts. You asked us to pay more for our insurance. We agreed to pay more for our insurance. You asked us to contribute more to our pensions. We agreed to increase our contributions. STATE SENATOR: Yeah, what more could you want. GOV. WALKER. I don't think you've been listening. Bruno, hose down the cell again. (The senators and union leaders scream in discomfort as their crowded cell is blasted from two sides by high-pressure water hoses.) GOV. WALKER: Maybe that will clear your minds for our further negotiations. STATE SENATOR: WHAT negotiations? You asked us to come back to negotiate the budget, but then said that your proposals were non-negotiable. What is there to negotiate when you say there's nothing you will negotiate? GOV. WALKER: Boys? The hose again? (Another blast of high-pressure cold water presses the state senators and union leaders against the wall of their cell.) 27

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GOV. WALKER: Ready to listen now? Good. Here's what we will negotiate. I will say that I want you to agree to an end to collective bargaining, except in the case of wages... and that's because I'm being generous. But no more union involvement in benefits, pensions, and all that other crap. The average Wisconsin taxpayer doesn't BELONG to a union. Their companies are free to pay them whatever they want, contribute as little or nothing to their pensions as amuses them, provide few or no benefits at all, or price them so high as to make them unaffordable to the average worker. That model has worked for the private sector. We think it will work for the state. So, on this point I will not be moved. I will not rest until the state government is managed like the most poorly-managed, employee-unfriendly company in America. Now, I need you state senators to get your asses back to Madison and rubber stamp my bill. Are you ready to do that? STATE SENATOR: Governor Walker, these same taxpayers elected us to provide you with checks and balances. You are one part of the legislative process, not the dictator of Wisconsin. GOV. WALKER: (Sigh.) Boys, open the cell door. UNION LEADER: Thank God! You're going to let us out and we can discuss this like adults. GOV. WALKER: Don't be silly. I can't very well poke these six hungry pit bulls through the bars, now can I? (The cell door opens just wide enough to allow state troopers to put six snarling, drooling pit bulls into the cell.) GOV. WALKER: Now, spray them with the A-1 sauce and we'll come back in an hour to see if anyone is ready to listen to reason yet.

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8. Mr. Peabody Explains the Death of Organized Labor in America14

SHERMAN: Golly, Mr. Peabody! Where are we going for TODAY's historical adventure. MR. PEABODY: Sherman, today I'll show you how a conniving politician in Wisconsin and a lazy media contrived to kill the labor movement, thereby ensuring one-party rule in America. Set the WayBac machine for the evening of Nov. 2, 2010. SHERMAN: Gee, Mr. Peabody. There sure are a lot of happy Republicans in here. MR. PEABODY: Right you are, Sherman. They're all congratulating Milwaukee County Executive Scott Walker on being elected Governor of Wisconsin! Let's listen! 14

Originally published February 26, 2011 on Technorat.com 29

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WALKER: Now that I've secured the governor's office, the first order of business will be payback.   REPUBLICAN #1: Payback as in revenge against your political enemies? WALKER: No, you idiot! Payback to the people who put me here. The first thing we'll do is call a special session of the legislature — the newly REPUBLICAN legislature — and get them to rubber stamp legislation giving tax breaks to businesses and millionaires that will lower our overall state revenue and increase the budget deficit for 2011 through 2013 by over $120 billion. SHERMAN: Gosh, Mr. Peabody! Didn't Governor Walker run on balancing the budget? And now he's increasing the state's deficit without increasing state revenue. How does that balance the budget? MR. PEABODY: It doesn't, Sherman. It's simple math. Keep listening! WALKER: Then, we'll make up the difference by getting the unions representing state employees to give back a bunch of their benefits. We'll make them pay more into their own pensions. We'll make them pay more for their insurance. We'll make them pay and pay and pay! REPUBLICAN #2: But what if they unions say no to that, Governor? WALKER: Simple. We take away state employees' rights to collective bargaining. Oh, they can still have their impotent little unions to argue for cost-of-living increases, but for benefits, pensions and stuff like that? Those days are OVER, my friends! FUCK the middle class! ALL REPUBLICANS: FUCK THE MIDDLE CLASS! SHERMAN: Gee Whiz, Mr. Peabody! Isn't anyone going to stand up for the little guy? MR. PEABODY: Who's left to stand up for them, Sherman? The voters, including these middle class people you speak of, VOTED for this insanity. They believed Walker was going to balance the budget without hurting THEM... just those "lazy, incompetent tax leeches on the state payroll."

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SHERMAN: That sure sounds unfair, Mr. Peabody. MR. PEABODY: It is, my boy. It is. Now keep listening.  REPUBLICAN #3: But Governor, how will this balance the budget? Everyone with a brain knows that taxpayers don't pay a dime for state employee benefits! Every dime that goes to pay for state employee pensions and benefits comes from state employees, not the taxpayers... WALKER: You fool! I know that. YOU know that... but THEY don't know that. SHERMAN: Who is "they," Mr. Peabody? MR. PEABODY: The voters, Sherman. Walker convinced them that they, the taxpayers, are subsidizing the greedy, lazy state employees benefit and pension plans. But according to a very well-researched story written back in 2011 by David Cay Johnston for Tax.com, "Gov. Scott Walker says he wants state workers covered by collective bargaining agreements to “contribute more” to their pension and health insurance plans. Accepting Gov. Walker’ s assertions as fact, and failing to check, creates the impression that somehow the workers are getting something extra, a gift from taxpayers. They are not. Out of every dollar that funds Wisconsin’ s pension and health insurance plans for state workers, 100 cents comes from the state workers."15 SHERMAN: Holy Smokes, Mr. Peabody! How is that possible? MR. PEABODY: Simple. The pension plan is the direct result of deferred compensation. That's money that employees would have been paid as cash salary but choose, instead, to have placed in the state operated pension fund where the money can be professionally invested (at a lower cost of management) for the future. SHERMAN: That sounds like a good deal for EVERYBODY, Mr. Peabody. MR. PEABODY: Oh, it IS, Sherman! It IS! 15

http://blogs.forbes.com/rickungar/2011/02/25/the-wisconsin-lieexposed-taxpayers-actually-contribute-nothing-to-public-employeepensions/ 31

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SHERMAN: Then why is Governor Walker trying to fuck it up? MR. PEABODY: Sherman, what have I told you about that kind of language? SHERMAN: I'm sorry, Mr. Peabody. But it just makes me so mad. MR. PEABODY: As well it should, Sherman. In his article, Mr. Johnston goes on to point out that Governor Walker has gotten away with this false narrative because journalists have failed to look closely at how employee pension plans work and have simply accepted the Governor’s word for it. Because of this, those who wish the unions ill have been able to seize on that narrative to score points by running ads and spreading the word that state employees pay next to nothing for their pensions and that it is all a big taxpayer giveaway. SHERMAN: But if it's the employee's money anyway, why can't they just take it in their paychecks instead of having it set aside for benefits? MR. PEABODY: Ah! Mr. Johnston's article explains that, too. He says, "Expecting individuals to be experts at investing their retirement money in defined contribution plans — instead of pooling the money so professional investors can manage the money as is done in defined benefit plans — is not sound economics. The concept, at its most basic, is buying wholesale instead of retail. Wholesale is cheaper for the buyers. That is, it saves taxpayers money. The Wisconsin State Investment Board manages about $74.5 billion for an all-in cost of $224 million. That is a cost of about 30cents per $100, which is good but not great. However it is far less than many defined contribution plans, where costs are often $1 or more per $100.” SHERMAN: But isn't that what the media is for? To dig out the truth? To get to the bottom of things like this? To make sure they're not being lied to by slick weasel politicians? MR. PEABODY: Ah, you young people and your naivety! Ever since President Reagan ended "The Fairness Act," the "news media" as you call it has become a PART of corporate America. Their job isn't "informing" the people. Their job is to keep as many eyes glued to the screen and ears glued to the radio as possible. In this way, they increase what they can charge advertisers and thereby increase their profit margins. And that means telling people what they want 32

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to hear. Catering to their fears, justifying their prejudices, and keeping their minds otherwise occupied with mindless fluff. The "Media" had no INTEREST in digging out the truth. It did nothing for the bottom line. SHERMAN: Golly, Mr. Peabody. First Governor Walker gives these big tax breaks to his business buddies, then he tells the voters, "Whoops! We're out of money now and we have to stick it to state workers to get them to pay for their own benefits, which they already are paying for, and have agreed to pay more for." What more could he possibly want? MR. PEABODY: Just listen, Sherman! WALKER: Once we've crushed the state employee unions, other states with Republican governors and Republican legislatures will do the same thing! And once we've destroyed the public employee unions nationwide, it will be a simple matter to crush the entire organized labor movement. This will lead to the destruction of the Democratic party which relies to a large degree on contributions from organized labor. No organized labor, no Democratic party. Then the people who put us here will have achieved their goal of complete control. The middle class will vanish, leaving only the wealthy, the super-wealthy, the ridiculously-super wealthy and those dwelling in abject poverty. REPUBLICAN #4: And what will we do with them, Governor? WALKER: That's what the jails are for, dumbass. They'll resort to crime to feed themselves and their families and we lock 'em up and throw away the key. REPUBLICAN #5: Or we could bring back the death penalty in Wisconsin.... WALKER: One good idea at a time, Senator. One good idea at a time. Now if you will excuse me, Mr. Koch is waiting for his niteynite blow job. REPUBLICAN #6: Which of the Koch brothers is it THIS time, Governor? WALKER: Does it matter, Senator? Does it really matter?

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SHERMAN: So that's why organized labor disappeared from American in 2013 when President Gingrich passed the "Labor Patriot Act" that outlawed unions, jailed union leaders, throwing out the minimum wage and opening the new "Department of Debtor's Prisons". MR. PEABODY: Now you understand, Sherman. It all starts with the falling of a single domino, and the next thing you know.... SHERMAN: Everybody gets fucked! MR. PEABODY: Sherman... your language? SHERMAN: SORRY, MR. PEABODY.

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9. Limbaugh Calls Michelle Obama “Fat”16

Sometimes I come across a story and my first inclination is to just let it lie there. It's too easy. It's like beating a dead fish with a stick. There's no real sport to it. But no, no... something needs to be said about this one. As 16

Originally published February 28, 2011 on Technorat.com 35

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obvious as the satirical potential may be... the fact that my DOGS could write this column (and probably do a better job of it) because the humor is just that obvious.... Bear with me a moment. (Ahem!) "Rush Limbaugh Said Michelle Obama is Fat." I KNOW! I KNOW! I'm a little late to the party for this one since he made the hateful remarks on Monday Feb. 21, but it's like the dude doesn't have a mirror in his house (which I suppose he wouldn't since he probably doesn't cast a reflection). Check this from Media Matters.17 LIMBAUGH: I'm sure you're aware that nutritionist-at-large Michelle Obama is urging, demanding, advocating, requiring what everybody can and can't eat. She is demanding that everybody basically eat cardboard and tofu. No calories, no fat, no nothing â&#x20AC;&#x201D; gotta stop obesity. Except as in the case of all leftists, that's true for you, but not for them. Well, let's stop here just a second. Limbaugh is obviously just an entertainer, trying to give the crowd the delicious, well-marbled red meat they require as part of their minimum daily requirement of lies. But he goes beyond that. Michelle My Belle, minus the husband, took the kids out to Vail on a ski vacation, and they were spotted eating and they were feasting on ribs, ribs that were 1,575 calories per serving with 141 grams of fat per serving. Now I'm sure some of you members of the new castrati: "This is typical of what you do Mr. Limbaugh, you take an isolated, once in a lifetime experience, and try to say that she's a hypocrite." She is a hypocrite. Leaders are supposed to be leaders. If we're supposed to go out and eat nothing â&#x20AC;&#x201D; if we're supposed to eat roots, and berries and tree bark and so show us how. And if it's supposed to make us fit, if it's supposed to make us healthier, show us how. Members of the "new castrati". That's us. That's you and me and everyone else who dares call Limbaugh a liar because that's what he does and that's what you call a person who lies. A liar. And in this case, a big FAT liar. We've had our testicles removed. Presumably by Obama. Maybe Michelle ate them. Whatever. Let's move on. 17

http://mediamatters.org/mmtv/201102210011 36

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The problem is — and dare I say this — it doesn't look like Michelle Obama follows her own nutritionary, dietary advice. And then we hear that she's out eating ribs at 1,500 calories a serving with 141 grams of fat per serving, yeah it does — what do you mean, what do I mean? What DO you mean, Rush? That Michelle Obama doesn't fit your ideal of perfect womanhood? The slim-waisted, small-butted, perky-breasted bimbette who wouldn't touch your flaccid, corpulent penis with GLOVES on if it weren't for your millions? What is it - no, I'm trying to say that our First Lady does not project the image of women that you might see on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, or of a woman Alex Rodriguez might date every six months or what have you. I mean, women are under constant pressure to look lithe, and Michelle My Belle is out there saying if you eat the roots and tree bark and the berries and all this cardboard stuff you will live longer, be healthier and you won't be obese. Okay, fine, show us. Ah. I was right. The four-time married Jabba the Hutt who overflows his EIB Broadcast Chair five times a week for three hours a day says that because he can't bounce oxycontin pills off of Michelle's ass like he could with wife #4, she's not woman enough for him. Being called fat by a morbidly obese slug whose heart will probably explode in his chest at any minute... I suppose next he'll criticize her hearing after having to have that bionic ear plugged into his skull after his natural hearing was destroyed by his illegal prescription drug abuse. Haven't seen any evidence here if that advice is being followed that it works, that's all. It's just, look it folks, leaders lead. They can sit up there, they demand we do this and demand we do this and demand we do that, but show us. Poor kids are living in food deserts, parents are unemployed, kids got no place to go other than the mall, hang around for scraps at the Orange Julius place, maybe get some papaya juice out there, and then they hear about Michelle My Belle and the kids 1,500 calories per rib serving — 141 grams of fat, I'm just saying. Mom and dad unemployed, kids in the food court hoping for some drips of papaya juice and there they are eating ribs, skiing in Vail. Gee, Rush. Maybe those kids should hang out at YOUR place and grow FAT off the scraps of food that ooze from the corners of YOUR sluglike mouth as you suck the meat off of bone after bone after bone. 37

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You sure do suck a lot, Rush! Of course, in the week that has gone by this has been the new Conservative Meme... the new lie to hang your hat on. The impolite lie that isn't told in mixed company, but when you know only Conservatives are looking, it's OK. Like the Conservatives who read the lying racist video fixer frameup artist Andrew Breitbart's "Big Government" snot rag.18 Lookit the funny, funny cartoons!

Guh-huh! Get it? Obammers is stoopid! Negros don't know HOW to walk through a gate with an umbrella. Climbing a fence is MUCH more natural for "them." Guh-huh. He's probably not just changing which hand he's holding the umbrella with. Nope!

http://biggovernment.com/ 38

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Guh-huh! Cuz only a loonie would think that showing a black woman as fat and scarfing down chee'burgers wif bacon is a racist image. Guh-huh!

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Guh-huh! This here pickshure was took in San Francisco (See the "Chronicle" byline?), but Breitbart used it in a story about Wisconsin protesters. That ain't dishonest or NOTHIN'! Guh-huh!

Guh-huh! This here was used in a story about how Obammer is responsible for them high gas prices. We's not suppoda KNOW that this pickshure has been on Flickr since 2008 when that other feller Bush was Preznit. That ain't dishonest NEITHER!!! Guh-huh!

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Guh-huh! Lookit how all them good white folks is standin' around old Monkey Ears Obammer tellin' him about real problems and he decides he's going to devote the rest of his presidency to making sure gay people have sex with your kids. Huh! They even put the wordyballoon in PINK in case ya missed it! Never mind it only took 5-minutes of Obammer's time to say, "We ain't gonner defend DOMA in court no more." It's FUN to lie when it suits yer political agenda. Ain't it? Ain't it JUST?

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Now, after reading this you would be forgiven in wondering who is the most detestable racist â&#x20AC;&#x201D; Limbaugh or Breitbart. Let's just call it a tie.

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10. A Question: Just How F*cking Stupid ARE We Anyway?19 It's a serious question. Just how fucking stupid are we, anyway? The Republicans tell us that failing to extend the Bush tax cuts for the upper 2% of the wealthiest of the wealthy is a BAD thing, even though conservative estimates say such a move would slice $750 BILLION off the deficit over the next 10 years. What's our response as a nation? 1. Are you being stupid? We're talking about $750 billion off the deficit! So some billionaire can't buy a second yacht for his mistress. $750 billion! Off the deficit! Over 10 years! Or do we say... 2. Duh. You is right Mr. Republikin. Them billyunares worked REEEL hard to inherit those munnys and it would be BAD to make them pay more taxes cuz taxes is BAD! The answer, of course, is #2. We voted in a Republican majority to the House of Representatives that killed any chance of making the wealthiest of the wealthy pay their fair share. In the meantime, the middle class pays more. The Republicans tell us that we can't afford Medicare, Social Security, Health Care and all the stuff we count on because the deficit is too big. Because they'd have to raise taxes. And taxes are bad. What is our response? 1. Don't be an idiot! First of all, if we tell Mr. Gottrocks that his mistresses don't need ermine stoles for each day of the week, they can afford to pay the same tax rates they paid in the 1990s, which happened to be the most prosperous era in our recent history. Or do we say... 2. Duh. Rite again, Mr. Republikin! Them dark peeples is on welfare too much and won't get jobs because of ACORN and Bill 19

Originally published March 1, 2011 on Technorat.com 43

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Ayres, so it am GOOD that you have to cut Social Security and Medicare and Health Care as long as you leave my shit alone. The answer again? #2. Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity TELL us that, somehow, if you make the rich pay more taxes, that means those DARKIES will sit back with their bare feet up on their cotton bales, playing their harmonicas and looking at our white women with lust in their eyes. And we can't have THAT, now can we? The Republicans cut taxes for billionaires and millionaires and give tax breaks to companies that outsource American jobs to foreign shores, then tell us they can't afford to collectively bargain with public employee unions any more because they just don't have the money for it, since they gave it all away to the millionaires and billionaires to outsource American jobs to foreign shores! And that ain't cheap! What is our response? 1. Good God! If you INCREASE taxes on companies that outsource our jobs and PUNISH them for the deindustrialization of America, then â&#x20AC;&#x201D; just maybe â&#x20AC;&#x201D; they'll decide to reinvest in our country and provide jobs for no other reason than it gets the government off their backs! Or do we say... 2. Duh, yew shure is smart Mr. Republikin! Them millionaires and billyunares spent so much munnys to get the Supreme Court to declare that corporations is peepuls too that it would be a SHAME to punish them for sending jobs to India. And if we send MORE jobs to Mexico, maybe fewer of them filthy beaners will sneak into America to steal our tomater pickin' jobs and lounge around our emergency rooms when the farm machines cut off their hands which we end up having to pay for since they ain't got no insurance which we wouldn't wanna pay for neethur! The answer? #2. In a time where good jobs are at a premium and our infrastructure is crumbling, the Republicans turn up their noses at high speed rail and other stimulus projects that would mean more jobs, a bigger tax base, and every other good thing that comes when people are working. What is our response? 1. What are you people THINKING? Ever hear of the Interstate 44

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Highway System? It improved cross country travel in America and made it easier for people â&#x20AC;&#x201D; and their money â&#x20AC;&#x201D; go get from state to state. It saved lives, provided jobs, improved the standard of living in America in ways we can't even begin to imagine. Or do we say... 2. Duh. Wow! I knowed that Marxist Commie Socialist negro was gonna come up with SUMTHIN' stoopid to get work for his ACORN buddies but this is retarted! Name me one other country what has high speed rail trains that helps the peepuls. Other than Japan, France and them other countries what we beat in World War II. Do we wanna live like Japs and eat rice and fish eyes all day? Not me, I tell ya whut. The answer, once more, is #2. In an era where the divorce rate is higher than it's ever been, we deny people the right to solemnify their relationship with the bond of marriage for the arbitrary reason of sexual orientation. The Republicans tell us it's because when gays are allowed to marry, it will destroy the institution of Marriage in this country. What is our response? 1. That's nonsense. We have people like Rush Limbaugh (married 3 times) and Newt Gingrich (married 4 times) and Glenn Beck (who divorced his first wife when she developed cerebral palsy after giving birth to his children) and one Republican lawmaker after another getting caught in either heterosexual or homosexual extramarital affairs telling US how sacred Marriage is. How about they get THEIR acts together before telling US how to live OUR lives? Or do we say... 2. Yew Betcha, Mr. Republykin. Them faggits ain't nuthin' but perverts what wants to indoctrinate our kid folk into their faggity ways by teachin' them that faggitry is normal when the BIBLE says its a SIN! Accourse, it says the same thing about eatin' pork, but pork is tasty so God musta got that part mistook when he was writin' the BIBLE. The answer, of course, #2.

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â&#x20AC;¨Are you sensing a pattern here? We have serious problems requiring serious solutions. And all we're getting is a bunch of #2. We can't blame the Republicans for ANY of this. This is ENTIRELY the fault of a lazy-minded American voting public that made the Tea Party possible, that made Sarah Palin possible, that made Michele Bachmann possible, that made Newt Gingrich possible â&#x20AC;&#x201D; we made Rush Limbaugh rich, we made Glenn Beck rich, we made Sean Hannity rich, and while they laugh and laugh and laugh at our stupidity, those of us without two nickels to rub together actually BELIEVE that THEY are concerned with OUR WELFARE! That they DON'T see us as worker bees to be used, abused and then discarded when our usefulness is expended. We are so stupid, all they have to do to make us eat dog shit is to wrap the turd in gold foil, put a flag and a picture of Reagan on the wrapper and call it a "Patriot Bar." There are a few of us who ask serious questions. We are called eggheads, "libtards," traitors, socialists, communists and marxists, fascists and ACORN supporters because we believe the most important function of government is "to provide for the general welfare and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves and our posterity." These christofascists want to start a war with Islam because of an archaic Islamic law that nobody in a country with a government outside of the 14th century follows (except for our good pals in Saudi Arabia, of course, where you can still chop off a woman's head if she is accused of cheating on her husband), while they ignore what Jesus called the most important commandment of all. "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it. Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets." [Matt22:37-40] Yeah, but Jesus didn't have to deal with al Qaeda and terrorists and Mexicans and negro usurpers in the White House. The old saying goes, "If you give a man a fish, you feed him for

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a day. If you teach a man to fish, you feed him for life." We've adopted a more simple mantra for the 21st Century... "Ain't got no fish? Well, I guess you're fucked then." MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON OUR NATION. NOT THAT WE DESERVE IT.

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11. America, You Voted for This!20 America, the Republican party knows you LOVE rich people. They know you want to BE a rich person someday. So they convinced you that restoring the tax rates to the pre-Bush levels would be a BAD thing. According to the American Progress, allowing the wealthiest of the wealthiest of the wealthy to keep their tax cuts will cost YOU $830 billion dollars over the next ten years. So, that means â&#x20AC;&#x201D; since you voted for the Republicans who INSISTED on not restoring the super-rich guy's tax rate â&#x20AC;&#x201D; you PREFER that they dine on the gravy that won't go on your potatoes. If you can AFFORD potatoes. Look at the suggested GOP budget cuts. According to the way you voted, you prefer that J.P. Gottrocks be able to get his trophy mistress (who is much prettier than his other mistress and WAY prettier than his wife) a huge diamond ring, rather than spending $530 million in Energy Department grants to states for weatherization, that would save you further money by keeping you warmer in the winter, cooler in the summer.21 You showed the world last November that you would MUCH rather Mr. Gottrocks get that third 60-foot yacht than pay $52 million into the Energy Star program, which makes our appliances much more energy efficient, saving you even more money.22 You told everyone that it's far more important to you that Mr. Gottrocks put huge chunks of his tax break into interest-bearing accounts, many of them overseas so they can't be taxed at all, where they don't do a THING to improve the economy, create a single job 20

Originally published March 8, 2011 on Technorat.com

http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/intersecton/2011/01/20/theproposed-republican-budget-cuts/ 22

http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/intersecton/2011/01/20/theproposed-republican-budget-cuts/ 48

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or keep us safer, than pay the $10.7 billion that will be cut this year ALONE from the Department of Homeland Security! I guess we musta WON that war on "terruh!"23 By your vote, you said you just couldn't sleep at night knowing that Mr. Gottrocks wasn't stashing away billions for his trust fund babies while we were "wasting" that $1.6 billion to find cures for cancer, Alzheimer's, diabetes, Parkinson's disease and all the other medical research being done at the National Institutes of Health. Sleep well, and hope that lump in your throat is just a rush of patriotism and not a tumor.24 Your decision last November to vote for people who will make damn sure Mr. Gottrocks doesn't have to pay a PENNY more in taxes has shown that you care more about his fleet of vintage autos than you do about the WIC program (nutrition for Women, Infants and Children in poverty), Americorps, community development block grants, and other programs where cuts will literally take food out of the mouths of people below the poverty level... these program will be eliminated. But let them eat cake, right?25 No, America. There will be no cake. Because you decided that Mr. Gottrocks gets to keep his huge tax cut, given during a time of war when spending increased at record levels, while the Republicans you voted for cut funding for victims of crime26, the USDA's Food Inspection and Safety agency27, and eliminate over a million Federal 23

http://www.examiner.com/homeland-security-in-chicago/demsslam-proposed-republican-budget-cuts-for-homeland-security 24

http://www.medcitynews.com/2011/03/nih-budget-cuts-woulddecrease-agencys-funding-by-1-6-billion/ 25

http://blog.cleveland.com/letters/2011/02/republicans_plan_to_ cut_social.html 26

http://femmebelletrist.blogspot.com/2011/02/republicanproposed-budget-cuts.html 27

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/randananda/thewatchdog-clean-air-act_n_830183_79301440.html 49

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jobs.28 But Federal workers aren't people anyway, are they? When they're fired, they just vanish in a puff of smoke and don't add to the unemployment numbers at all! They don't increase the welfare rolls or go on food stamps when they can't find a job in a down economy. And fuck them anyway, right, with all their phony-baloney benefits and days off. I mean, who ELSE gets Martin Luther King's birthday off? Not YOU, I betcha! And like Speaker Boehner said, if a million Feds lose their jobs, "So be it." These proposed budget cuts will make us less safe, slow down the recovery, cost jobs, cost LIVES... but at least Mr. Gottrocks can buy his wife that third ermine jacket she wants... for when it's too warm for the whole ermine coat and too cool for just an ermine stole. And that's what's important to you, America. Right? You bunch of fucking idiots. This is your bed. You made it. You will turn us into a third world country. The rich bastards who are raping you while whispering "you love it HARD, doncha baby?" into your ear will close MORE factories, ship MORE jobs to India and Mexico, cause MORE towns to crumble and decay, allow MORE highways to break apart and rot while they pocket YOUR money and you don't even get a KISS after they wipe their blood-stained peckers on your curtains. This is what you voted for America. Enjoy that cake. But remember, there was no one to inspect the ingredients or make sure the milk was pure and the eggs were from chickens and not Gila monsters . So just pick out the bug parts and smile with the knowledge that we're all gonna die anyway, if not from poisoned food or polluted air or befouled water or climate change or poorly manufactured and non-inspected products, then from something. So why spoil the fun for the super wealthy. Mr. Gottrocks finally got his wife off his back with that ermine, so he's happy. Therefore, YOU'RE happy. Right? 28

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2011/02/16/945480/-Boehnersbudget-cuts-would-cost-nearly-one-million-jobs 50

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(FULL DISCLOSURE: I'm an employee of National Institutes of Health who will be getting a disability retirement because of my Parkinson's disease any day now â&#x20AC;&#x201D; unless you fucked THAT up, too! The opinions expressed here are mine, were written on my own time on my own personal equipment, and are in no way intended to reflect the position of the NIH or any of its employees on this or any other issue.) (FURTHER UPDATE: I actually retired three days after this column was first published on Technorati.)

BILL SCHMALFELDT

12. Newt Cheated Because He Loves America SO Much!29

NEWT AND WIFE #2

Evangelicals, don't blame Newt Gingrich for his serial adulteries! Don't blame him for serving his cancer-stricken wife, on her hospital bed, with divorce papers. Don't blame Newt for being a hypocrite when he defends the "sanctity of marriage" against the onslaught of the GAYS who want to DESTROY the American family by forming families of their own while shitting on the very concept of marriage by cheating on every wife he's had up to this point. No, Evangelicals. Do NOT blame Newt Gingrich for ANY of 29

Originally published March 9, 2011 on Technorat.com 52

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this. He did it because he loves America SO MUCH!!!! According to an interview Newt did with the Christian Broadcasting Network's David Brody, he was just so PASSIONATE about his love for America that he HAD to cheat on his first wife, (the one who got the hospital gift that wasn't flowers!) He loved America SO much that he HAD to cheat on his SECOND wife — while prosecuting President Clinton for lying about HIS sex life. He remains married to his third wife, but there's no telling who he will have an extramarital affair with leaving HER in the lurch if his overwhelming, passionate love for this country causes him to seek the presidency. Newt told Brody, "There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate. And what I can tell you is that when I did things that were wrong, I wasn’t trapped in situation ethics, I was doing things that were wrong, and yet, I was doing them. I found that I felt compelled to seek God’s forgiveness. Not God’s understanding, but God’s forgiveness." Oh, certainly! You may chafe at what you see as Newt's hypocrisy. But he has an explanation for that! Gingrich has admitted he conducted an extramarital affair at the same time he was one of the GOP's most vocal critics of thenPresident Clinton for his involvement with Monica Lewinsky. "There are times that I have fallen short of my own standards," he said in 2007. "There's certainly times when I've fallen short of God's standards." Gingrich said at the time there was a difference between his conduct and Mr. Clinton's because Mr. Clinton had perjured himself. So, the main difference between what Clinton did and what Newt did was that Clinton was asked under oath and Gingrich wasn't. God just LOVES those little distinctions. And so do you Evangelicals! You forgave Jim Bakker when he cheated and stole. You sent him MORE of your money because he cried on TV.

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You forgave Jimmy Swaggart when he cheated and lied about it. You sent him MORE of your money because he cried on TV and said he was sorry.

NEWT AND WIFE #3  Is it just me, or is each wife weirder-looking than the one before?

I haven't heard Newt say he's sorry yet. I have heard that he said THIS about his cheating, however... He asked his second wife to "tolerate it." Think Progress quotes #2 wife Marianne's telling of the tale...

He asked her to just tolerate the affair, an offer she refused. He’d just returned from Erie, Pennsylvania, where he’d given a speech full of high sentiments about compassion and family values.

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The next night, they sat talking out on their back patio in Georgia. She said, “How do you give that speech and do what you’re doing?” “It doesn’t matter what I do,” he answered. “People need to hear what I have to say. There’s no one else who can say what I can say. It doesn’t matter what I live.“

So if it doesn't matter to NEWT, then it shouldn't matter to US! Right? Right?

ARTIST CONCEPTION OF NEWT AND WIFE #4 So don't be so hard on Newt, Evangelicals. He's just one more of your number to have fallen from great heights after telling others how to live their lives, only to show that what they say and what they do are two very, very, VERY different things. But that's OK with you. Isn't it?

BILL SCHMALFELDT

13. How We Might Trick Conservatives into Thinning Their OWN Ranks a Bit30 I've figured out how to get conservatives to thin out their own ranks. The answer was so obvious! It was right under our noses. But it took the ludicrous hypocrisy of the adulterous scrotum Newt Gingrich to cause this idea to coalesce in my mind. Remember Newt's little tap dance over the Libya intervention?

March 7 — What are we waiting for? Launch a No-Fly Zone!

Obama does just what Newt asked for.

March 23 — Newt: "I would not have intervened."

THAT'S JUST ONE EXAMPLE!!! Compact fluorescent light bulbs. The right wing hates them like POOP! Why? What's WRONG with CFLs? OBAMA LIKES THEM!!!31

Originally published March 27 on Technorat.com

http://thecaucus.blogs.nytmes.com/2009/06/29/obama-toutsswitch-to-new-light-bulb-standards/ 56

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“I know light bulbs may not seem sexy,’’ Mr. Obama said during a brief appearance at the White House. “But this simple action holds enormous promise, because 7 percent of all the energy consumed in America is used to light our homes and our businesses.’’ So, you get idiots like Rep. Michele Bachmann proposing "Lightbulb Freedom of Choice" resolutions in Congress. You SHOULD be able to waste energy if you want to! Upon hearing of Obama's support for CFLs, Rush Limbaugh went nuts32! He couples this with a warning to his audience concerning the evils of mercury contained in the CFL bulbs, invoking the debunked needs-a-hazmat-crew-to-clean-it-up-if-it-breaks argument. “We warned you. We warned you at the outset of the mercury in these things, of the hazmat disposal risks when you have (sic) change one or when one breaks, how you dispose of them, you don’t just throw them away. We warned you….It doesn’t matter how much or how little there is, if one of them breaks you gotta call somebody, you gotta go to great pains to clean up the mess, and keep your dog or cat out of this mess. You know how little animals run to things that fall out on the floor.” - Rush Limbaugh, March 30, 2009

Then, of course, every conservative talk show host with a microphone and a copy of the GOP talking points went on a rant against CFL bulbs. Know what ELSE they hate? GOOD NUTRITION FOR OUR KIDS? Why? 32

http://scentofpine.org/2009/03/30/limbaugh-organic-advocate/ 57

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MICHELLE OBAMA IS IN FAVOR OF IT!!! The wingnuttery also came out against having our kids exercise when FLOTUS suggested it was good for the little bastards to get their fat asses off the couch, away from the Play Station, and outside into the fresh air. They claimed that it was leading to a spike in pedestrian traffic fatalities. So, what have we learned? Republicans hate CFLs and energy conservation — because Obama likes the idea. Republicans hate good nutrition — because Obama likes it. Republicans hate exercise — because Obama likes it! AND THERE'S OUR ANSWER!!! We get the GOP to thin out its own numbers without lifting a finger! We get Obama to hold a press conference in which he would say the following words... "After extensive study by the National Institutes of Health, an agency of the United States Department of Health and Human Service, my administration fully supports their conclusion that driving a railroad spike into your forehead with a ball peen hammer, right here (he demonstrates a spot just above the middle of his eyes) is a harmful practice and should not be considered as appropriate. I will work with the Department of Education to ensure that this becomes a featured part of the health curriculum. I've directed the Department of Transportation to work with the Federal Railroad Administration to determine ways to make sure that railroad spikes stay where they are supposed to stay — on the tracks and not in your child's forehead. I've directed the Commerce Department to regulate the sale of ball peen hammers, to institute a seven-day waiting period on the sale of these hammers to ensure that these hammers will not be used by unstable people to drive railroad spikes into their own foreheads, and we will mandate that the Department of Homeland Security uses their good offices to ensure that terrorists are not illegally smuggling railroad spikes and ball peen hammers across our borders and into the hands of those who would use them to drive railroad spikes into their brains. Ladies and gentlemen, let

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me be clear. Driving a railroad spike into your own forehead may seem like a good idea, especially during these difficult economic times. But it is a harmful, perhaps fatal practice that my administration will give top priority to banishing, along with DADT which currently prohibits gay homos from being in foxholes with your sons during combat. I will appoint the Secretary of Commerce to find a good person in the private sector to head up this effort. And I look forward to the day when using a ball peen hammer to drive a railroad spike into your own forehead is outlawed forever. Thank you, and God Bless America." OK, Obama gives this speech. And the next day, the morning idiots on Fox News start the ball rolling by saying the Socialist, Marxist Kenyan in the White House wants to regulate the use of ball peen hammers and railroad spikes. They bring in an expert to demonstrate how easy it is to drive a railroad spike into a conservative's head while missing the brain entirely. Limbaugh , Beck, Hannity and others demonstrate their disdain for Obama's proposed "Forehead Czar" by instructing an intern, live, on the air, to drive a spike into his own head. They will, of course, refrain from doing so themselves. Across America, teabaggers will march and hold signs saying, "Obama, Keep Your Marxist, Kenyan, Socialist Hands Offa My Forehead." There will be large rallies where teabaggers gather to drive railroad spikes into their heads with ball peen hammers. This will go on for a few weeks. Then, we bring in the bulldozers to clean up the corpses.

BILL SCHMALFELDT

Problem solved. Simple American Ingenuity

14 I Think I Finally Understand this Whole Libya Thingâ&#x20AC;Ś33 I've been puzzling over this one for a long time now. I think I finally understand. President Obama waited too long to implement a no-fly zone over Libya because he acted impulsively and did it too quickly and not unilaterally but with UN and Arab League approval. Confusing? It was to me, too! But thanks to modern-day pharmaceuticals and lots of coffee, I think I've worked out the finer points of my argument. See, Obama should have implemented the no-fly zone and launched military action at the time he WASN'T doing it when Republicans were TELLING him to do it. Remember? On March 7, Newt Gingrich told Fox News34 that, were he president, he would unilaterally "exercise a no-fly zone this evening," on the grounds that "we think that slaughtering your own citizens is unacceptable. See? Obama HADN'T exercised a no-fly zone and was allowing the unacceptable slaughter of Libyan citizens

Originally published March 27, 2011 on Technorat.com

http://theweek.com/artcle/index/213461/newt-gingrichs-libyaflip-flop-what-was-he-thinking

BILL SCHMALFELDT

Until Obama DID workout a deal with France, England the Arab League and others to implement the kind of no fly zone Newt called for, which — as you might imagine — enraged Newt. He told NBC News after the intervention, "I would not have intervened," especially not using "American and European forces." Now, NORMAL people might question such a flip flop. But they don't know Newt. This is the same guy who promised three different women to love, honor and cherish them "until death." For someone who can repeatedly and callously shit on his own wedding vows, this little misunderstanding is EASY to clear up, as he did on Facebook.35 That’s why during a March 7th Greta van Susteren interview, I asserted that the president should establish a no-fly zone "this evening.” After March 3rd, the President should have moved immediately to consult with Congress to implement a no-fly zone, while also making it clear the US would welcome involvement from other nations. Instead, he did the opposite. (Note — By which, Newt meant, he did exactly the same thing.) The President wasted weeks trying to get approval from the United Nations instead of Congress, the result of which was a weak mandate from the UN that changed the mission to one of humanitarian intervention. See, PRESIDENT Newt would have been able to convince Congress by waggling his mighty eyebrows of DOOM at them that going it alone in Libya was the right thing to do. It worked so well in Iraq, after all. What Obama SHOULD have done was waste weeks with a recalcitrant, obstructionist Republican congress and the "Oh, War is Always Just TEWWIBLE wif all the bombs and body parts and kabooming" ultra Left wing of the Democratic Party. (I'm looking at YOU, Kucinich!) THEN, Newt could say Obama was such a terrible leader, he couldn't even get CONGRESS to go along with his plan.

https://www.facebook.com/note.php? note_id=163128553742748 62

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So, Obama wasted weeks to do what Newt would have done in 15-minutes by flexing his mighty, adulterous scrotum at Congress, SCARING them into going along with the very same thing Obama is doing now with world approval. If we had done it NEWT'S way, the world, personified by the United Nations, still weary from the Cowboy Imperialist, American Exceptionalist, Neocon Bush administration, may well have authorized military action against US! Which we wish they WOULD have done cuz THEN we could have kicked their oneworld, non-God-fearing, Muslim-loving multinationalistic and multicultural ASSES for them! THEN they'll know who the REAL freedom lovers are, by golly! U-S-A!!! U-S-A!!! U-S-A!!! Which is why we should impeach Obama. But that's a column for a later date. Tomorrow, perhaps. But today, Newt is already setting Obama up for defeat by creating a standard of victory that may or may not be possible to achieve. From the same Facebook posting, Given the President's public statements and the multitude of other humanitarian crises throughout the world, the only rational purpose for an intervention with US forces in Libya is to replace Gadaffi. Now that we have US forces engaged, any result less than the removal of Gadaffi from power will be considered a defeat. For that reason, I believe we must support the mission and see it through. I'm sure the President APPRECIATES that support, Newt, and the fact that you're on television (if Fox News still counts as TV) every half hour shitting all over the mission, the troops who are carrying out their orders and the president who placed them in harm's way. 63

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You're as much of a patriot as you were a faithful husband, you multi-jowled, giant-headed, triple-faced asswipe. I hope you get the nomination, you faithless dick

15. If it Walks Like a Hitler and Talks Like a Hitler36…

Dad? Why is Ohio Senator Sherrod Brown apologizing? Well, ostensibly, he's apologizing for invoking the names of Hitler and Stalin while speaking on the labor crises in Wisconsin and Ohio. OK. But why is he apologizing? Well, he violated Godwin's Rule of Nazi Analogies, Son. That is, given enough time, in any discussion—regardless of topic or scope— someone inevitably criticizes some point made in the discussion by comparing it to beliefs held by Hitler and the Nazis. 36

Originally published March 27, 2011 on Technorat.com 65

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OK, so what did Brown say? According to the Columbus Dispatch37, "Brown is trying to defuse a controversy sparked by a Senate floor speech that he delivered Thursday when he said "some of the worst governments that we've ever had, do you know one of the first things they did? They went after unions. Hitler didn't want unions, Stalin didn't want unions, (former Egyptian President Hosni) Mubarak didn't want independent unions," Brown said. Did Hitler want unions? You tell me! On January 31, 1933, Hitler became Chancellor of Germany. On May 2, a bit more than four months later, he banned trade unions. I see. Then why are all the right wing koo-koos saying Hitler did NOT ban trade unions? Because what Hitler did on that long-ago May 2 was to ban all trade unions, except for the NAZI trade union. The right wing screed translates that to mean the Nazi party was a big trade union, when what really happened is that Hitler banned the existing trade unions that might oppose him and sent their leaders to concentration camps. There was but one trade union and its loyalty to Hitler was unchallenged. How'd that work out for the people? Not bad at first. By 1937 German unemployment had fallen from six million to one million. However, the standard of living for those in employment did not improve in the same way that it had done during the 1920s. With the Nazis controlling the trade unions, wage-rates did not increase with productivity, and after a few years of Hitler's rule workers began to privately question his economic policies.38

http://www.dispatch.com/live/content/local_news/stories/2011/ 03/05/brown-apologizes-for-hitler-stalin-remark.html?sid=101 38

http://www.spartacus.schoolnet.co.uk/GERhitler.htm 66

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So, why did Sherrod compare what Governor Walker did in Wisconsin, for instance, with Hitler? Walker took office in January 2011. Right away he pushed through legislation to give huge tax breaks to his big business buddies to gain their loyalty. He already had the loyalty of the police and firefighters union. So, with all the tax breaks to big business, Walker turned around and told the people of Wisconsin, "Whoops! We're broke!" And he said the only way to fix the problem was to take away the collective bargaining rights of the state's union employees. I see. But nobody got sent to concentration camps. Not yet, but he's only the governor of a state. He doesn't have that kind of power. But he can pretty much kill the labor movement, not just in his state but in other states with Republican governors and legislatures who will copy his moves, right Dad? Right. So, how is that unlike what Hitler did? Well, Hitler had nationwide power as dictator to a nation. Walker's dictatorship ends at the state borders. But once he succeeds, you can be sure the other Republican governors and legislatures will follow suit and it will be the end of organized labor in America. And Sen. Brown is apologizing for comparing Walker to Hitler? Yup. I still don't understand. See my boy, it's simple. In modern political discourse, once you compare something someone does or says to something Hitler did or said, the media climbs up your ass and you end up having to apologize. So they're getting control of the media too! 67

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Mmm hmm! Didn't the Nazi's control THEIR media? Mmm hmm! So, if someone, say Newt Gingrich... Good choice... Thank you. Someone like Newt gets elected, decides labor unions are a bad thing, intellectualism is a bad thing, "wrong thought" is a bad thing, improper books are a bad thing, and he starts rounding up opponents, Mexicans, Muslims, Blacks and whoever stands in his way into resettlement camps, if someone says he's acting like Hitler... The corporate controlled media will back his every move, son. Ever since Reagan ended the "Fairness Act," broadcasters are no longer required to broadcast "in the public interest" and instead operate based on "what's good for the bottom line." Catering to people's fears, hatreds, prejudices and bigotry makes for good television. Look at the ratings Fox News gets. And Newt's on Fox ALL the time, isn't he Dad. He sure is, Son. Just like a lot of the would-be-if-given-a-chance tin-plated dictators, Palin, Huckabee, Bachmann, Pawlenty, well all of them. And all the pretty blond news robots nod and giggle and smile at everything they say! So people think it's true. That's right. So, what happens when someone like Newt gets elected? Well, by then, son, it won't really matter much, now will it? Guess not. Can I sleep in the basement tonight? We'll make room for you, Son.

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16. Where is This â&#x20AC;&#x153;Real Americaâ&#x20AC;? the Teabaggers Long For?39 They hold signs proclaiming their rights as "We the People." I am reminded of my late father, rest his soul, who would say, "We? Whaddya mean 'We?' You gotta turd in your pocket?" They want to "Take America Back." Who do they want to take it BACK from? The people who were lawfully and legally elected in 2008 and 2010? Should we just stop having elections when we're not happy with the results? They talk about this mythical "Real America," where apple pies cool on every window sill, where scrubbed, white-faced youth stand and salute when the flag goes by on the Veteran's Day Parade. They talk about this land that never existed outside of the realm of the 1950's and 60's sitcom, where all the streets were clean, all the lawns were mowed, all the minorities were working in the garden or the kitchen and the only people of color you ever saw were domestic servants. They were referred to by their last names, aka "Rochester," while their employers were never spoken of without the proper honorific of Mr. or Mrs. or Miss. Those were the days. And the right wingers seem to believe that if they close their eyes real tight, click their ruby slippers together three times and repeat, "There's No Place Like America" over and over, this imaginary nation will somehow come to be real. The rest of the world will bow to our every will because, by Golly, America Said So! And there will be peace between nations with a benevolent USA calling the shots. Because we know best. That's the whole principal behind "American Exceptionalism." Would I want to live anywhere else? Well, I can say some nice things about Canada. Taxes are high, but everyone gets health care. They're not spending billions upon billions of their people's money on a military industrial complex that exists only to ensure its own continued existence. I enjoyed my time in Japan. But I would always be an outsider there. American Exceptionalism ain't got NUTHIN' on Japanese 39

Originally published April 4, 2011 on Technorat.com 69

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Exceptionalism. They're just not quite so forward in their bragging about it. I've been in Spain, Italy, France, Lebanon, Mexico, the Philippines and Korea as well as the aforementioned Canada and Japan. I can think of nice things to say about all of them. But I'm glad to live in America. I'm proud of my country. We GENERALLY tend to do the right thing. Usually, even when it's the wrong thing, our hearts were in the right place. But I know that electing Sarah Palin or Michele Bachman or Newt Gingrich or any of the other far right wing would-be presidents will never result in this nation becoming something it never was... Unless... Unless that thing it never was is a place where freedom of speech is outlawed. Where you have to stand before a judge to defend the things you said, the words you wrote, the thoughts you thought. A place where freedom of religion no longer means freedom FROM religion. Where religion is free as long as it's the CORRECT religion that believes in the right, white Lord and Savior... not one of those brown-skinned, pagan, hindu-muslimshinto-buddhist-druid religions that, were we ever to put it to a public referendum, I'm certain a plurality would vote for their banishment. We want prayer in school, as long as it's a good Christian prayer. Muslims not welcome. No Jews, unless we have to. Certainly no Hindus or Buddhists. We want religious icons in public places. As long as they're CHRISTIAN religious icons. A statue of Shiva at the Podunk County Courthouse? Blasphemy. We love freedom, as long as it's the freedom to do the things WE want to do. I love women. I married two before finding the right one. I am not sexually attracted to men (Well, other than Howie Long...and only if he COMMANDED me) so people of the same sex can't HAVE the same rights I have. It doesn't matter if you love someone as much as I love Gail. YOU don't have the choice. EVERY ONE ELSE gets to make that choice FOR you. We love our guns. Good God A'mighty how we love our guns! As progressive as I like to think I am, I also like guns. No problem with 'em. They're under lock and key. But do we really need 30-

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round handgun clips? If you're being attacked, won't the first 9 or 10 rounds be enough? Unless you're being attacked by a band of terror doers, in which case your 30-round clip ain't gonna help ya none nohow! We love our individual prejudices. We hold our individual bigotries. They give us comfort in our superiority, even when life is treating us unfairly by letting "those people" get the jobs, the colleges, the loans that rightfully belong to us!

We feel our distrust of "the other" is righteous and instilled by nature. But we don't like being called "racists" when we say racist things. We don't like being called "homophobes" when we say things that are hurtful to gays. We just can't stand it when "the politically correct crowd" allows black people to call each other "nigger" without so much as an uncomfortable gulp, but God forbid a white man use that word. And what are "they" so pissed off about anyway? I never owned a slave. Neither did my parents. Hell, you gotta go all the way back to the early 1800s to find someone in my lineage that owned human 71

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beings. So why can't "those people" just lighten up about it? They've got one of "theirs" in the White House now, at least for a little while. Why do they want equality in all other areas as well? When I was a boy, there was thing called "knowing your place." These illegal Mexicans what we got here. Who do they think they are coming over here, taking our jobs, using our facilities? When my great-grandparents came over from Germany, they took jobs, they used public facilities, but they had a piece of paper that SAID they could do it. (Deep breath... exhale. Out with the teabagger air, in with the air of freedom. That's better.) Sarah Palin spoke of "real America" in her 2008 campaign. The other right wingers talk about "real America" when they speak in front of almost completely homogenous crowds of white Americans of Anglo-Saxon descent. They're too polite, too smart to use the word "nigger", but they sure know how to make you THINK that word... "Obama's birth certificate, he wasn't born here, he's not one of us, he's an outsider, he's the OTHER! And he's taking all your hard-earned money and giving it to THOSE people, wink-wink, who use it to buy their 40-ouncers and their hip-hop gangster rap music and why can't they pull their pants up all the way and act like civilized REAL AMERICANS?" Multi-culturalism? It's evil. Every single person of Irish, German, English, Danish, Italian, French, Belgian, Russian, and Eastern European descent who has been living here for generations KNOWS how evil multi-culturalism is. You treat other cultures with respect, it's like... It's like... respecting... THEM! (Another deep breath... exhale. Stop channeling the teabaggers. There. All better.) Real America? Look outside. There it is. The trailer park you live in. The gated community. The public housing. The small, rural town. The crowded inner city. The obscure Montana mountain 72

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village. The urban jungle of south Los Angeles. There it is. It's real. It's America. It's a great place to live. And we can make it better. We should TRY to make it better, anyway. And we WILL make it better, once we stop listening to the people who tell us it's OK to be fearful of "the Other." Once we learn to IGNORE the voices who cater to our racial fears and cultural bigotries. When we realize the truth of those words in the Declaration of Independence, ironic given the times in which they were written, that "All Men (and Women) are Created Equal." That's the Real America, Sarah. Michele, the people who think you are an idiot are just as patriotic â&#x20AC;&#x201D; perhaps even moreso â&#x20AC;&#x201D; as those who support you. Newt, people will judge you by your actions, not just by your words. They will judge you not by the color of your skin, but by the content of your character. And Trump? Just shut the fuck up and go away. .

17 They Gave Bristol Palin $260K to Promote Abstinence? Can I Get a Hunk of That to Promote Something?40 Wow! The Candie's Foundation gave Bristol Palin over a quarter mil to go around the country in her role as an ambassador for their teen pregnancy campaign in 2009. According to an article in Forbes online, they gave her $262,500 to tell fresh-faced young girls that it's a BAD thing to get pregnant as a teenager like she did because it's a big responsibility and just not worth it, unless your Mom is famous and someone else watches your baby and someone gives you over a quarter million bucks to tell kids how bad a thing it was you did and how well it worked out for you. Is the Candie's Foundation really a charitable foundation? Well, according to Forbes41, in addition to the $262,500 they gave Bristol to roam the country, flashing her jewels and pretty smile and fancy clothes so she could WARN young girls about the dangers of "not saying no to teenaged woo-woo", they ALSO managed to pony up a total of $35K to donate to charities out of the $1,242,476 that was donated by the public. Nice work if you can get it. In fact, I want some of that action. No, not to discuss teen abstinence which is a joke and doesn't work. But to discuss something I know even MORE about. I'll offer my REAL solution to teen pregnancy in a moment, but first... If the Candie's Foundation will pay some little prettied-up Alaska hillbilly gal to discuss the dangers of doing what she did which resulted in great profit for that which she warns against, then 40

Originally published April 6, 2011 on Technorat.com

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maybe they have a few extra bucks to kick up to me for my campaign to warn the kids about... THE DANGERS OF PRE-MARITAL DONUT CONSUMPTION Let me set the scene. The kids are packed into the auditorium with a wide aisle down the middle. They gasp in horror as a forklift enters the gym carrying my corpulent ass on a shipping pallet. The forklift beeps as it rolls as the children avert their eyes from this horrible sight. We reach the stage, the back wheels of the forklift come off the floor as I'm lifted to the stage where several strong men remove the pallet from the forklift and turn me to face the kiddies. I'm wearing a filthy sleeveless t-shirt. It's impossible to tell whether or not I'm wearing pants, as my gut overlaps my waist and dangles to the sides and back. Oh, and I'm wearing mismatched socks. I mean, who can see his feet? Not me! 75

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There is a box of donuts on my lap, and I eat during the entire presentation, spitting donut chunks into the first and second row while showing a Power Point presentation of diseased hearts, clogged arteries, windpipes clogged with barely-chewed food, and other gross and graphic autopsy photos of death from morbid obesity. We finish with a picture of fat Oprah, then thin Oprah, followed by fat Oprah, then thin Oprah again posing with all the fat they sucked out of her body, then fat Oprah again. I speak of the need to avoid these sweet, tasty treats until one is lawfully wed to a member of the opposite sex. (This is because a male husband or a female wife is CERTAIN to say something if he or she sees his/her spouse gorging on donuts while the word on the street is that gay guys actually eat donuts off of each others... well, that's what they're saying in the 4th grade locker room, anyway.) During the presentation I eat, fart odiously, noisily and copiously, and perhaps I may vomit into a bucket. I'll save that for when it looks like I'm losing their attention. When I'm finished, I mop my sweaty brow. Two stage hands with high pressure hoses wash the donut chunks, jimmies, glaze and frosting from my body. Then my huge, dripping wet body, the filthy t-shirt clinging to my every curve, is placed back onto the forklift. I'm lowered back to the floor and the forklift backs out of the gym, past the terrified, changed-forever children, out to the front of the school where I am loaded into the back of a semi-trailer truck. Then volunteers pass among the children and have them sign pledges to abstain from donuts until they are married. "Don't be hasty, wait for the pastry!" will be our motto! It would work. And if having an unwed mother who has profited mightily from her unwed motherhood speak against unwed motherhood is worth $262K, then I should at least be able to ask for $100K. If they provide the donuts, we can negotiate on the salary. Now... my real, actual solution to teen pregnancy. It's a problem that crosses all socio-economic borders. Young female knuckleheads who give up the nookie like the A&P used to give up Green Stamps because that want that unconditional love you can only get from some guy who wants into your pants for 10 minutes and will never speak to you again and will only mention

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your name to the other guys who will also expect you to deliver like FedEx — on time, and on demand. No, wait... What they're REALLY missing is that sense of unconditional love that can only come from a cute, cuddly adorable little baby. "The baby won't care if I break curfew! The baby won't care if I got a 'D' in math. The baby won't ground me for talking back to Mom and Dad. The baby will just LOVE me for being ME! And they're just like little dollies! They're cute, sweet-smelling little angel dollies and you can brush their hair and they never make a sound and they coo and cuddle and sleep all night and all I have to do is put the baby in its crib if I want to play with my friends or go to the mall. And besides, Mom and Dad will be guilted into helping me with the baby so I can still hang out and drink and get high with my friends until I come home with another baby, and another one after that. And the state pays you MONEY to have babies. So where's the down side?" So, here's what we do. Each state makes a deal with their individual child welfare agencies. They gather babies from unwed mothers and care for them. In the first semester of 8th grade, each girl — no opt-outs, no notes from home, no excuses — is given a 2-month old baby to care for the entire semester. Let the little darlings see what it's REALLY like. Forget the labor pains, forget the nine months of uncomfortable pregnancy. Let's talk about what it MEANS to HAVE a baby. Unconditional love? Bullshit. The baby sees you as its provider. And you must provide. Social workers will be assigned to each family to ENSURE the safety and care of the baby. And you will do the job CORRECTLY. The alternative will be a court-ordered reversible tubal ligation which will — if you want it — be reversed when you are 21 and can prove you are able to provide for your own child. Say there, LaTisha! Wanna go hang out with your pals? Can't! Baby!

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Hola, Juanita! Wanna go to the mall with your chums? No es posible. Bebe! What ho, Brittney! That cute freshman football star wants to take you to the dance? Not possible. Baby! When the baby wakes up, you go get it. When the baby cries, you go hold it. When the baby is hungry, you feed it. When the baby fills its adorable little "Hello Kitty" diapers with foul, reeking baby mud, you CLEAN the little baby butt and the social worker will BE there to make sure you do it RIGHT! And, under penalty of law, no help from Mom and Dad. It's YOUR baby! YOU take care of it. For an entire semester. You're sleepy? Tough. The baby is cranky tonight. You're hungry? Tough. The baby eats first. You want to go to a movie? Tough. The baby has a cold. You want to do ANYTHING! NO! You CAN'T! You have a BABY now! The baby's clothes are dirty. Wash them. The baby needs diapers. Buy them. The baby needs food. Buy some. The baby needs and needs and needs and needs. And you can't put it in its little crib and ignore it because that's when they come and take you to jail. Still want a baby? No. What you wanted was "unconditional love," not this screaming, squalling, dripping from every orifice, 24/7 poop-making machine. This demanding little dictator who you can't let out of your sight for a MINUTE. You wanted someone who would love you for being YOU, not something that would drain every last ounce of strength, energy and money out of you. This isn't what you wanted at ALL! Now, this will do nothing to quell those urges that all adolescents experience. But it will do a far sight more than having some former Wasilla nouveau-riche hillbilly who got pregnant in 78

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high school because she was mad at her conservative mommy and she really, really loved the baby daddy until mommy convinced her he didn't really fit in with the new "Palin Image" telling kids not to do that which she got rich doing. Betcha a box of donuts that teenaged girls will AT LEAST make sure the fella has that rascal WRAPPED before she lets it get anywhere NEAR her. And who knows... The experience might make her THINK about the possible CONSEQUENCES of sex and she'll abstain â&#x20AC;&#x201D; not because God or Bristol Palin TOLD her to, but because she knows what taking fulltime care of a baby is like, and maybe someday she'll be ready to deal with all that. Just not right now. And isn't that what we want? .

18. Republipigs Take Hostages! Oink for More Slop!!42

I will preface this with my usual caveat. YOU VOTED FOR THIS! Either you pulled the lever for a GOP candidate in 2010, or you were so disgusted that Obama didn't keep every single campaign promise that you stayed home. Regardless, unless you actually went to the polls and voted for a Democrat, THIS IS YOUR FAULT! That being said. Don't you find it amazing that the Republicans continue to squeal for their slop while they are doing everything they can to cut off the flow of money to everything they don't care about?

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They want what they want. Compromise means "do it our way or we take hostages." Women's health care? Who cares? Planned Parenthood aborts babies. Well, yeah, they also provide basic health services to poor women, but if these women can't afford health care they have no business having a uterus or vagina. So screw 'em. Never mind the fact that not a federal DIME has ever been spent on an abortion. The Hyde Amendment prohibits it. We just don't like the idea of poor women getting something for nothing. Public broadcasting? Who cares? Never mind that such a small percentage of their income actually comes from federal taxes, we don't like their liberal slant. The only correct slant for news is the wingnut slant on Fox. Masterpiece Theater? Kiss my Masterpiece Ass! Environmental Protection Agency? Those are the guys who make sure the people who paid for us aren't allowed to cut their costs by putting poison in the air and water and ground. So we GOTTA get rid of 'em if we expect the polluters to support our miserable reelection campaigns. How much do we need to cut? Well, Speaker Boehner first said $33 billion. So, Obama and the Democrats wrangled with their consciences for awhile and decided, "Fine, you get your $33 billion in cuts." The teabaggers howled! "$33 billion? That's IT? Have you cut all the entitlement programs that give our money to people who aren't us? Have you ensured that minorities will go hungry and uneducated? That poor people will stay poor and homeless? Have you served your wealthy masters â&#x20AC;&#x201D; and by that, we mean the people who ORGANIZED the Tea Party â&#x20AC;&#x201D; to make them RICHER while making the poor POORER? And what about the NEGROES?" So, Speaker Boehner said, "$33 billion? Did I say that? I meant $100 billion." The teabaggers smiled and said, "That's more like it." 81

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So even the weak sisters in the Democratic Party who have bent over backwards until they've popped every disc in what used to be the party's spine can't bend any more. "Sorry," they say. "Some things are too important. Women's health care. Education. Environment. Making sure people have more than just right wing radio to listen to in their cars, those who still have cars. We've kissed your asses until our lips are chapped and bleeding! We're done!" Now, common sense tells us you can't spend more money than you take in without creating problems. The Republicans suddenly discovered this basic fact of the economy when, all of a sudden, there was a Democrat in the White House. So now, they're all about deficit reduction. Well, wouldn't requiring the upper 2% of wage earners to go back to the Clinton era tax rates go a long way towards erasing some of the deficit? Remember, that was a time when the budget was balanced and the country was prosperous. "SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEALLLL!!!!!" "Nooooooo! The rich people who PUT us here didn't spend all that money so we'd sit idly by and make them pay their fair share of TAXES!!! That's why the conservatives on the Supreme Court went out of their way to declare that Corporations are People Too and can contribute unlimited sums to our campaigns! Do you think we're gonna cut off the flow of slop to our own troughs?" But won't extending the Bush Tax Cuts add something like $3.7 trillion to the federal deficit over the next decade?43 "SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEALLLLL!!!!" "Noooooooo! These are the people who create the jobs that you want to harm! You raise the taxes of these people, they won't be able to create the jobs that the Bush Tax Cuts were meant to create!" 43

http://www.examiner.com/populist-in-natonal/ending-the-bushtax-cuts-would-balance-the-budget 82

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So where are the jobs, then? "Oink?" Where are the jobs that the Bush Tax Cuts were supposed to create? The Bush Presidency ended with a net job LOSS -- 0% Job Growth over the past decade? If the Bush Tax Cuts mean "job creation," then where are the jobs? "SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAALLLLLL!!!!" "We can't hear you. We have slop in our ears." Well, since you guys care so much about deficits after 8 years of borrowing and spending, at least we'll save a considerable amount thanks to the passage of the Affordable Health Care Bill. "SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAALLLLL!!!!" "Nope. We're gonna defund it." But the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office states that repealing the health care law would worsen the federal deficit over the next 10 years â&#x20AC;&#x201D; by $230 billion. "SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAALLLLLLL!!!!" "Look, bud. The Big Insurance Companies paid a LOT of money to get us here. You really think we're gonna stick a knife in THEIR backs?" So, you really DON'T care about the deficit? And that's why you're shutting down the government at the orders of your corporate teabagging masters who have fooled stupid, elderly, white people to vote against their own interests by taking this dog turd of a philosophy, wrapping it in gold foil, putting a picture of Reagan and a flag on it and selling it as a "Patriot Bar"? You're going to shut down the government, screw up the recovery, stop hiring in its tracks, hurt small businesses across the country and do irreparable harm to America, not because you care about the deficit, but because you want the Senate to pass these "riders" that would defund the EPA, defund Obamacare, defund Planned Parenthood, defund NPR?

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You want to use the BUDGET PROCESS to enact SOCIAL POLICY while holding the people of America HOSTAGE??? "Oink!" So, the government will shut down as of midnight Friday. What does that mean? Federal workers? If you're deemed "essential," you go to work. You just don't get paid. If you're not essential, you stay home. If the Congress is feeling generous, you MIGHT get backpay when the government opens again. Social Security? Files for new claims will take longer, but the checks will still come out. Tax Refunds? If you filed a paper return, too bad. You gotta WAIT for your refund. The troops? They get to continue to dodge Taliban bullets. They just won't get paid. WHAT??? THE TROOPS WON'T GET PAID??? That's what I said. No money to pay the troops, no money for their wives, their husbands, their children. The rent goes unpaid. The bills go unpaid. Because the Koch Brothers want to cut off funding to NPR and Planned Parenthood. Well, at least if the government closes, Congressmen, Senators and the President won't get paid either, right? WRONG! According to this fat ass South Texas Republican Congressman that Lawrence O'Donnell had on last night, you gotta change the Constitution if you wanna stop paying members of Congress. And he's probably right. The Twenty-seventh Amendment prohibits any law that increases or decreases the salary of members of the Congress from taking effect until the start of the next set of terms of office for Representatives. It is the most recent amendment to the United States Constitution, having been ratified in 1992, 203 years after its initial submission in 1789. 84

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So Congressman Fat Ass will continue to feed from the slop trough while the troops get screwed, while federal employees get screwed, while small businesses that depend on doing business with troops and federal employees get screwed. Congressman Fat Ass will stuff his porcine snout into the slop and feast and feast and feast. So. There it is. And I will end this column the same way I began it. If you make less than a million bucks a year and you voted Republican, you are an idiot. If you detest what the Republicans are doing but didn't vote last November, you are an idiot. If you've been fooled by Limbaugh and Beck and Hannity and O'Reilly and the talking Blond Robots on Fox News into thinking the GOP gives a RAT'S ASS about you and your life, you are an idiot. And what happens next... Is all... Your... Fault!!!

19 Government 'By the People' or 'Buy the Politician'?44

My first published novel was a humorous political potboiler called "...by the people..." 45It was published in 2004, but I actually started writing it, I'm not sure if it was 1996 or 1998. I think I have officially sold nearly a dozen copies. But it contains an idea that I think bears being talked about from time to time. 44

Originally published April 7, 2011 on Technorat.com

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Let's think about the way we elect our representatives on the federal level. The founders had a great idea. But like most ideas conceived of that long ago, perhaps it could stand a bit of updating. What if we changed the way we select congressmen and senators? I realize this would require an amendment to the Constitution, but consider it for a moment. What if we changed the way we select our representatives that would take money — and therefore, corruption and corrupt political parties and politicians — out of the picture? Think about a pure political process that takes corporations out of the picture. Think about a process that would eliminate the need for candidates to raise millions upon millions of dollars every two years for a job that only pays $174,000 a year. Did the founders conceive of the idea of career politicians when they set up the House of Representatives and Senate? Or did they see it as a temporary service to the country — after which one would return to private life? I'm not talking about term limits, although that would be a grand start. I'm talking about jury duty. When you register to vote, you are automatically registered into your county's list of prospective jurors. What if, instead of electing congressmen and senators, we SELECTED them? What if each congressional district had a list of eligible, registered voters from which they could randomly select a name — do a background check on the individual to ensure you're not getting a crook or an idiot — and appointed that person to serve a six-year term in a unicameral representative body that would be charged with crafting legislation for consideration by the Executive Branch?

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Think about it. We'd do it the same way we currently stagger the election of Senators. We'd do it the same way the founders originally set up the Senate, only with the modification that it's not state legislatures making the choice. It's a random drawing of a name. You select one representative from each of the country's 485 congressional districts. Out of the first batch, 1/3 are appointed to six-year terms, 1/3 are selected to four year terms, 1/3 are selected to two year terms. That way, each six years, you have a complete turnover in members of this legislative body. You would have the right to opt out of this selection using the same criteria under which you can opt out of jury duty â&#x20AC;&#x201D; financial hardship or some other good reason for not being able to serve. You pay the person the current $174,000 salary and provide an apartment in Washington, D.C. You provide the person with free transportation to and from his or her home district to caucus with his or her constituents on an as-needed basis. You eliminate the need for TV advertising, which is the biggest reason candidates need to constantly raise money. Imagine a legislative body in which the representative's attention is focused, full time, on carrying out the wishes of his district or, if he disagrees, voting on his or her conscience WITHOUT having to worry about reelection! Of course, this idea alone will not eliminate corruption. For one thing, you have to ensure that whatever body is used to select the individual is non-partisan and doesn't comb through the list looking for someone who supports an agenda or otherwise influence the selection process. You won't need lobbyists any more, other than the legitimate purpose of a lobby... to try to convince the representative through the merits of their argument that their issue is worthy of support. No more contributions. They wouldn't be necessary. At the end of your term, you go back to your job â&#x20AC;&#x201D; just like businesses are currently required to hold a position with accrued seniority for National Guard members.

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And once you've served your term, your name is removed from the list. You are honored with a small pension to thank you for your service... something along the lines of $20,000 a year. Imagine a that actually works for the people. Citizen legislators who actually consider what's good or bad, not only for their home district, but for the country. Voting for what's right, not for what will or will not get them re-elected. Your legislative staff will consist of a Chief of Staff who will be familiar with the Constitution, the particular needs of the district, and a knowledge of the ins-and-outs of legislation and will be appointed by competent authority from each district. This Chief of Staff will be subject to removal by a recall process in each district, otherwise he or she will remain as Chief of Staff. Once assembled, this legislative body will caucus by region and vote for their leadership... a leader from the North East, South East, Upper Midwest, Southern Midwest, Mountain West and West Coast including Alaska and Hawaii. If a representative is offered money or any other incentive to vote one way or another on any issue, the representative will report this bribery attempt to the Capitol Police. Failure to report the attempt will result in immediate removal with loss of pension and all privileges. Actually accepting a bribe or any other inducement will result in a term in a Federal Penitentiary of not less than 10 years. Think about it. A political process where the corrupting influence of money is removed from the equation. Of course, it will never happen. How could it? Congress would have to approve the Constitutional Amendment and then it would have to be approved by the legislatures in 3/5 of the states. And why would pigs cut off the flow of slop to their troughs? But think about it. Wouldn't it be wonderful to know that the people representing you in Washington are actually representing YOU and YOUR DISTRICT and AMERICA AS A WHOLE instead of their political party and whoever has the biggest bundle of cash to donate to their campaigns!

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Of course, part of this has always been our fault. We tend to vote for the guy or gal who brings home the biggest bag of federal groceries. Would YOU vote for someone who said in a campaign speech that he understands this munitions plant being considered for your district would bring hundreds of jobs, but he will vote against it because we don't really NEED another munitions plant, especially at the price of the one being considered? Would a farmer vote for someone who promises that he will save taxpayer money by ending subsidies on a crop, or will stop paying you to NOT grow something? Career politicians aren't stupid. They know that they will always be seen favorably by their constituents if they promise and deliver big federal contracts to their home districts. We all hate earmarks, unless they're for job-creating projects in our home town. We all hate pork barrel spending, unless it's for that new bridge our district needs. And hell, someone else will pay for it. As long as WE don't have OUR taxes raised. One of the most savvy politicians of all time, Russell B. Long, once said, "Don't tax you, don't tax me, let's tax that fellow behind that tree." He understood we all want the groceries, we just don't want to pay for them. And woe be unto the congressman or senator who tells his constituents that THEY have to PAY for something. This new way of selecting legislators will eliminate that mindset. If you're not worried about raising money for re-election, you're not vulnerable to lobbyists. If you're not worried about reelection, the only thing you have to worry about is getting your ass kicked by angry constituents at the end of your term. It's a pipe dream. But I think it's closer to what the framers had in mind than this money-obsessed, corrupt system that's in place now. Give it some thought. .

20. EmoProgressives â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Quit Whining and Grow Up!!!46 Today, I take to the column to introduce a new political class. Just like George Bush brought in the era of the NeoConservative or "neocon", President Obama has created a faction of the left wing. I call them "Emo-Progressives" or "EmoProgs." You've seen them. You've read about them. Now you know what to call them. They're the whining, gloom and doom, "Obama didn't give us everything we wanted in the first 15 minutes of his Presidency like he promised he would so now we're never gonna vote again" crybabies who are responsible for the mess we're in today. Spend five minutes on Daily Kos. You'll see what I'm talking about. EmoProgs don't understand the difference between "running for president" and "being president." They don't understand that campaign promises made sometimes become campaign promises unfulfilled because, when a person becomes president, that person learns things only a president can know. That person starts getting daily security briefings. That person starts getting the inside scoop that he or she didn't know about until he or she won the election. Obama said he would close Gitmo. Well, in reality, that has turned out to be a tough nut to crack. As much as the EmoProgs 46

Originally published April 14, 2011 on Technorat.com 91

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would like Obama to fold his arms over his chest, blink his eyes, nod his head and BADDA BING! It's Done... That ain't how it works. The president is one of three branches of government. And just because Democrats bent over backwards for George Bush does NOT mean Republicans are willing to compromise a millimeter for Obama. A president can not close Gitmo without the Congress appropriating the money to do so, to set up some other prison (like the one in Illinois that would have been perfect). Congress says no to the idea, what's the president supposed to do? Kneecap someone? Now the EmoProgs and their leaders like Dennis Kucinich are moaning because Obama had to give up some things to get a budget proposal on the table. You know WHY he had to do that? Because so many of the EmoProgs sat on their self-righteous little asses on election day and didn't vote, that's why. THAT'LL show Obama that we hold him accountable for not living up to each and every promise he made. That'll ALSO ensure that he has a Republican House of Representatives filled with Tea Party members to deal with. Now, you think Obama can just bulldog his way through this intransigent bunch of troglodytes... most of which don't even believe he's an American citizen ... and through the sheer force of his energy FORCE Teabaggers to do things HIS way? That's what a dictator would do. That's what a tyrant would do. That's not what President Obama would do. See, I think here is where the problem lies. Many of the EmoProgs voted for Obama thinking he was the new Jesus, that he would sweep into Washington and just by the very GOODNESS and RIGHTEOUSNESS of who he is and what he represents, Republican would roll over on their backs so Obama could tickle their soft, white little tummies and they'd do whatever he wanted them to do. Serious people voted for Obama because he was the grownup in the room. Where John McCain chose Sarah Palin as his running mate and stormed and ranted and "suspended his campaign to fix the economy" after saying the fundamentals of the economy were strong, he looked like an eccentric grandpa who stopped wearing his Exelon patches. "No Drama Obama" stayed cool, stayed confident, 92

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and we voted for him because we trusted him to do the right thing. He is still doing the right thing. At least he's TRYING to. But he has this roadblock in his way. A Republican Congress created by a small but loud group of elderly white racists with the financial backing of mega-billionaires who could care LESS about the color of Obama's skin or his place of birth but DO care that he was going to roll back the Bush Tax Cuts. The mega-billionaires fooled the elderly white racists into marching on DC by convincing them that this Obama character was a Marxist Socialist Communist Nazi Manchurian Candidate, and these elderly white folk who didn't cotton to the idea of "one of THOSE people" sitting where St. Ronald of Reagan once sat glommed onto this concept and ran with it, put up their own candidates in Republican Primaries, beat the socks off the more traditional Republicans, then defeated the Blue Dog Democrats and other Democrats in traditionally Republican districts... Because the EmoProgs were so DISGUSTED that Obama, the grownup in the room, didn't give them the whole jar of cookies at once instead of doling them out like a responsible adult. This is why we have a Republican congress, kids! This is why we have blatant liars like John Kyl telling outright falsehoods on the Senate floor and getting away with it. This is why we have a budget deficit plan, presented by Paul Ryan, that will take 70 years to balance the budget. It's because YOU stayed HOME last November, EmoProg! It's because the Tea Party was motivated and you were smoking pot and singing songs about injustice and didn't get off your ass to VOTE!!! So keep it up, Kucinich. Keep it up, other EmoProgs in the media. Whine every time Obama has to compromise when faced with a choice of doing a little bit of good or doing nothing. When he has to make a choice between helping the poor and middle class a little bit or watching them get rolled over and raped by the Koch brothers and their Tea Party Machine. Keep whining. Keep doing what you're doing. I have two words to describe the end result of your actions. Two words that should scare the holy hell out of you. â&#x20AC;¨"President Bachmann."

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21. NEWS IN REVIEWS47

And now, our weekend feature (assuming I decide to ever do another one)... News in Reviews. Item the First: The Heroic Republican Majority in the U.S. House of Representatives has SAVED the Medicare program by holding a symbolic disembowelment of an elderly woman on the steps of the Capitol. "Look at all this fat," Congressman Paul Ryan of Wisconsin said as he yanked a length of small intestine out of the 78-year old woman from Iowa who was caught unawares during a recent Tea Party rally in Washington and kept in a cage in the Capitol basement for three days. "The only way we can SAVE people like this is to GUT Medicare and SQUEEZE the waste out of it," Ryan said to the applause of the gathered House Republican Caucus as he removed her large intestine and squeezed a sizable portion of fecal material from it. "It's waste like this that makes the former socialist Medicare system STINK!" he said as the frail, elderly woman gasped and 47

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gurgled her last agonizing breath. "Now let's pretend she's SOCIAL SECURITY," Congresswoman and potential presidential candidate Michele Bachman said as she grabbed the woman's liver from her open abdominal cavity and playfully tossed it at Senator John Kyl who successfully dodged the gruesome missile. It hit a reporter from MSNBC, which led to another loud round of applause from the gathered Tea Party mob. Item the Second: Answering charges of racial insensitivity because of his quest to prove President Obama is an Indo-Kenyan Muslim with Dual British Citizenship whose REAL name is Osama Hussein Obama bin Muhammad Ali Doggy Dog, Republican Presidential Frontrunner Donald Trump dispelled such allegations. "I've always had GREAT relations with the blacks," he said. "The guy who details my limo, the fella who brings me my coffee and newspaper in the morning, Jefferson, Washington, whatever his name is. I've never asked. But I've heard his name spoken. One of the towel guys at Trump Towers. Hell of a nice guy. Tip him every Christmas. And the guy who shines my shoes every day. Always knows the sports scores, and he smells great!" Item the Third: Pat Buchanan says Donald Trump is not a racist. "I know racists," Buchanan said, "and Donald Trump is no racist! I've been surrounded by racists for most of my life, and let me tell you, Donald Trump is always very nice to the blacks. I hear he tips them at Christmas time and he's never had his limo driver run over one. And who else among us can say that?" Item the Fourth: A conservative justice has weathered attempts to link him to Wisconsin's governor and a divisive union rights law to win re-election, according to county vote totals finalized Friday. Tallies from each of the state's 72 counties show Justice David Prosser defeated challenger JoAnne Kloppenburg by 7,316 votes. State election officials said they will wait to declare an official winner until the deadline for Kloppenburg to seek a recount passes. She has until Wednesday to call for one. If she wants one, she will have to pay for it because the amount of ballots suddenly discovered by the Waukesha County Election Clerk days after the election were juuuuuuuuuust enough to put Prosser beyond the half-percent of all votes cast margin that otherwise would have required the state to pay for the recount. "Boy, it sure is lucky I found those votes," the Republican Waukesha County Election Clerk said from the car phone of her newly purchased Lexus as she drove to her new summer vacation lodge in northern Wisconsin. Examiners are discussing the possibility of bringing in specially trained dogs to 95

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sniff the newly-discovered ballots to see if they smell anything like the Waukesha County Election Clerk's ass. Item the Fifth: Exclusive to this column, word that Ron Paul's secret plan to win the Presidency through cloning is beginning to bear fruit. Already with one son in the Senate, we've learned that another son, Robert Paul, is considering an attempt to join his brother, Rand Paul in the Senate by contesting for Kay Bailey Hutchison's Senate seat in Texas when she retires in 2012. Laboratories at secret locations around the country are busily putting the final touches on Ron Paul's OTHER secret clone children, all of which will have first names beginning with the letter "R", and they should be ready for the senatorial elections in 2014, 2016, 2018, and by the 2020 election, all 100 Senators will be children of Ron Paul. And THEN he'll show us! He'll show us ALL! Item the Sixth: World's Oldest Man Dies! Again! Every other week or so, we hear about the death of the World's Oldest Man, usually some guy in Nepal or Peru or some other inaccessible God forsaken place. This time is no different as THIS World's Oldest Man hails from Great Falls, Montana â&#x20AC;&#x201D; a city no one from the so-called "Civilized World" has visited since an expedition commissioned by the National Geographic disappeared while exploring the "state militia phenomenon" in 1984. Like every other "oldest man in the world," Walter Bruening was a retired railworker who attributed his long life to eating only two meals a day for the past 35 years. "I think you should push back from the table when you're still hungry," he told the Great Falls Tribune newspaper in 2009. "You get in the habit of not eating at night, and you realize how good you feel. If you could just tell people not to eat so darn much," he said. Breuning weighed 54 lbs. at the time of his death. The current oldest man in the world, Japan's Jiroemon Kimura, will turn 114 on Tuesday before dying on Thursday. And now, you're up to date. That's the News in Reviews for this week. And, as usual, none of these items were intended to be factual statements.

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22. Crackuh, PLEASE!48 I can't believe in this day and age that it's necessary to go through this exercise. But some people are either so ignorant that they don't understand why it's racist to compare a black person to a monkey, or they're being disingenuous about it. "Duh, what about George Bush, duh? Peepuls useta compare him to a monkey. Duh. Why izzent THAT racistical? Huh? Why not? Duh." There's a simple answer to that. So simple that I actually have to believe that the racists aren't serious when they ask the question. It's because no one has stereotypically referred to white people as monkeys. So, saying that George Bush's simian features and ignorance qualify him to be lampooned as an ape is perfectly nonracist. In fact, it does an injustice to apes. White people HAVE, however, for CENTURIES, compared ALL BLACK PEOPLE to MONKEYS! When you satirically call Bush a monkey, you are not saying ALL white people are monkeys. You are saying THIS particular person has the INTELLIGENCE of a monkey as well as the facial features of one. Again, my apologies to the monkeys. When you say OBAMA is a monkey, this man who looks nothing at ALL like a monkey, you are saying â&#x20AC;&#x201D; whether you understand it or not â&#x20AC;&#x201D; that all black people are monkeys. When you lampoon the front lawn of the White House as a watermelon patch, you are lampooning Obama for his race. When you claim with your Obama Food Stamps that they can be used to buy chicken, ribs and watermelon, you are making the old racist claim that chicken, ribs and watermelons are foods that black people are particularly fond of. If you wanna make fun of someone, that's fine! There's plenty to make fun of with Obama. His ears, for instance. They're huge. I mean, if physical comedy is your thing. 48

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This image of an anti-Obama t-shirt makes no political statement, other than Obama is black and blacks like watermelon, and we should hang him like grandaddy used to do to the nee-grows back in old Alabammy back in the GOOD old days. There is no inherent political criticism, other than the color of Obama's skin.

This anti-Bush image of a chimp shows a person clearly in a

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position beyond the scope of his intelligence and capacity to reason. It is not a knee-jerk reflexive insult to all white people.

This anti-Obama image? Poorly photoshopped, but not racist. Black people have not, at large, been referred to as cobras. The political point here would be, "Obama can not be trusted. He is like a snake." To some, a valid political point. Not racist. Now, to further your education... Do you find any of THESE images, from the website "Black Voices" to be non-offensive, non-stereotypical, non-racist?

Nope! Nuthin' offensive about a bunch of cowardly, thicklipped black folks! ---

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Awwww! Ain't they ADORABLE? Just like little black monkeys! ---

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Shucks! Ain't them some THICK lips on those "people?" ---

Good thing it's daylight or you wouldn't see THIS cute little monkey at ALL! 101

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---

Oh, deah! What would a SAVAGE want with a nice SHIRT? ---

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Don't they JUST, though? Don't they JUST? ---

Mon Dieu! Eef only zee savages would use Borax, zey might be, how you say, gleaming white as well! 103

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--â&#x20AC;¨Point made. So let's say you're not being disingenuous. I challenge you to find advertisements or any other image in the mass media characterizing white people merely by their appearance. And if you are not being disingenuous, then what is the difference between this...

â&#x20AC;¨And THIS?

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Between this...

And THIS?

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The only difference... The ONLY difference... Is that we allegedly live in more enlightened times when most folks realize the dream of Martin Luther King, Jr., that people should be judged by the content of their character, not by the color of their skin. That we KNOW better than to compare black people to apes. At least, we SHOULD know better. And if you read this all the way to the end, you DO know better. What you do with that knowledge is YOU choice. And YOUR karma!

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23. Blowing the Lid off the GOP Conspiracy49

Please don't let the fact that I'm in fear for my life keep you from reading this. Please don't let the fact that they may be coming to get YOU after you READ this keep you from reading it. There are some things more important than self-preservation. A well-aged cheddar, for instance. Have you ever tasted a slice of well-aged cheddar? Magnificent. But back to the point. I didn't get a wink of sleep last night. I was too busy writing this column to warn this nation about the vast GOP conspiracy. It was nitey-nite time and I had already taken my nitey-nite pills and was in the process of taking the doggies out for their nitey-nite wee-wee. I was working the second dog (well, it doesn't really seem fair to call it WORK, since they seem to enjoy it so much) when I caught a glimpse of something reflecting the streetlight. It was a CD-ROM case, stuck into a dog, uh... "monument"... left earlier in 49

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the day. (My German shepherd, for instance, leaves "monuments" that can be seen by the naked eye from outer space.) I rushed back into the house with the CD-ROM case. Then I rushed back out to get the dog, who was standing there with confused look on her face, like, "What? I'm free now? I can just leave?" Then I rushed back in, rinsed off the portion of the CDROM case that had been in contact with the "monument", withdrew the CD-ROM within, and shivered when I saw the writing on the disc. "Listen to this." It said. OK, I realized I was shivering because the kitchen window was still cracked open and it was cold outside. So I shut the window, popped the CD-ROM into my iMac and listened. What I heard shocked and appalled me. In that order. I spent the entire night transcribing what sounded like... "THE FIRST MEETING OF THE HOUSE AND SENATE REPUBLICAN CAUCUS AFTER THEY TOOK OFFICE IN JANUARY 2011." It was clear they were laying out their plans for the destruction of America as we know it. I will identify the speakers as I recognize their voices. In some cases, that was impossible. Paul Ryan, for instance. His voice is just so... ordinary. Read on if you dare, patriot. Read on! (Transcript begins) BOEHNER: Did you guys get a look at the size of my gavel? That bugger is HUGE! McCONNELL: We're all quite aware of the size of your gavel, John. BOEHNER: ...and all shiny and everything. Like Thor's hammer! McCONNELL: Look, shut up, Let's get this meeting underway. Have we swept the room for recording devices.

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UNIDENTIFIED: Yeah, everything but that table lamp right in the middle of the table. We didn't have time to get to it, but if you want, we could... McCONNELL: Nah, never mind. It's probably clean. All right, John. You're the new House Speaker. So speak. BOEHNER: My friends and fellow Republicans, this is a glorious day. This is the day when the rewritten history books will show how America was transformed from a land of hope and opportunity to a land where the wealthy industrialist can operate free of government restrictions and regulations. (Assorted murmuring, "hear, hear" and the like.) BOEHNER: Now, the first thing we're gonna do is pretend to take the government to the brink of closing by putting outrageous social policy riders on the continuing resolution to extend the budget to the end of the fiscal year. We'll insist that we're gonna stick to 'em, come hell or high water. Then, at the 11th hour, after we've gotten that milquetoast negro in the White House to cave on most of our demands, we'll pull 'em all back from the brink and say we're compromising. McCONNELL: Brilliant. We make it look like WE'RE giving up something like... PENCE: DEFUNDING PLANNED PARENTHOOD? (General murmurs of agreement.) McCONNELL: Exactly. We let them HAVE that and then we go around saying what a great sacrifice we've made to keep the government going. That will take us to the NEXT crisis. John? BOEHNER: Thank you, Mitch. Sometime in May, we're forecast to hit the debt ceiling. Now we all know that we raised the debt ceiling seven times under the Bush administration. Now, our job will be to convince the American idiot that we've never HEARD of such a thing, we're shocked that such a thing would even be suggested, and damned if we're going to let it happen without some severe, draconian, life-threatening spending cuts. BACHMANN: My cat's breath smells like cat food!

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BOEHNER: That's nice, Michele. Anyway, let me turn the floor over to the esteemed Congressman from Wisconsin, Paul Ryan. Paul? RYAN: Thank you Mr. Speaker. This plan is so simple in its execution, so diabolical in its effect on the liberal agenda that I actually get goosebumps talking about it. First, I'll present a "budget" for fiscal year 2012. Of course, no way it gets even CLOSE to being adopted because it would result in our being unable to even turn on the lights in DC. That lamp in the center of the table with the blinking red light on it, for instance. Then, while everyone's thinking about that, we pull the brinkmanship act that the Speaker discussed. Once everyone is feeling all warm and fuzzy that we heroically sacrificed to keep the government opening, we bash their skulls against the debt ceiling. McCONNELL: You mean, we actually will NOT raise the debt ceiling? RYAN: BINGO, Senator McConnell! We let the government default on its loans, our credit rating goes into the toilet, no one lends us money to continue operating the government, except at the kind of interest rates you'd see on "The Sopranos" where ya gotta pay the vig first, and then the principal. The economy collapses, the unemployment rate skyrockets, we appear on television in sackcloth and ashes and say, "we told you this would happen with all this runaway spending. Don't blame US! Blame OBAMA!" BOEHNER: BRILLIANT! ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT! McCONNELL: Wait. Paul. Have you run this idea past our constituents? CANTOR: The taxpayers? KYL: The GOP National Committee? McCONNELL: NO, you morons! The people who GOT us here. The Koch Brothers. The industrialists who control the media â&#x20AC;&#x201D; Viacom, Disney, Time Warner, News Corp, Comcast and GE. OUR constituents! RYAN: Of course. They're all on board. The Koch brothers will use their Tea Party machine to convince the middle class saps that this is somehow a GOOD thing for them. Limbaugh and Hannity 110

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have already been briefed and are working on their talking points. Rupert Murdoch will have the Wall Street Journal call our actions "genius" and of course we can count on Fox News. Also, CNN being owned by Time Warner, ABC being owned by Disney, CBS being owned by Viacom and NBC --yes, even their liberal shill MSNBC â&#x20AC;&#x201D; will do whatever GE and Comcast tell them to. Remember how we got rid of Olbermann? They'll run stories about how in tough times, tough measures are needed. McCONNELL: Then, with our nation defaulting on its loans, no one lending us any money to spend, in a month or two it will be all over. Obama and the Democrats get all the blame. We promise to fix things. It worked in 2010. Americans, being largely a stupid, barely literate flock of forgetful sheep, will see things our way. Republicans get elected, across the board. Only now, we have one of OUR boys in the White House. Bring in the ringer, fellas. (There is much surprised murmuring as someone walks into the room.) McCONNELL: Donald, you're famous for running companies into the dirt. Are you up to the challenge of sitting in the Oval Office while we run America into the dirt. TRUMP: You got it, pally!

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BOEHNER: Then it's settled. We ruin the economy, we reduce the United States to what was originally intended in the Articles of Confederation â&#x20AC;&#x201D; a group of sovereign states free to set their own rules with a weak and impotent central government. And our corporate masters are free to rape and pillage and loot and plunder. (The assembled group begins to chant... "rape and pillage and loot and plunder, rape and pillage and loot and plunder, rape and pillage and loot and plunder... and this is where the recording ends. Apparently Michele Bachmann jumped up to dance a hootchie kootchie dance on the table and broke the lamp with the recording device.)

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I shared this with you at the risk of my own life. You risked your life to read this. But now you know. You are aware. And you know what? There isn't a damn thing you can do about it. Erase your hard drive, burn your computer. That way they won't have any evidence to use against you when they complete their ultimate takeover. Which there is no way to stop. We are powerless. There is nothing we can do... Except... WAKE THE FUCK UP and START PAYING ATTENTION TO WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON! Thank you.

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24. TIME FOR SOME BULLSHIT REPELLENT50

Why, look who's here! It's your old pal Parky Bill, the Brain Damaged Troll, and he brought his can of Bullshit Repellent with him? Why did he do that? Because there's just an awful LOT of Conservative BULLSHIT being spread around in the days since President Obama ordered the strike that killed Osama bin Laden! Let's take a look, shall we? And don't worry. I have the can! 1. Well, what do you know? Conservatives don't think the president deserves ANY of the credit for Osama's demise! There's a Facebook blurb going around, a really STINKY one, 50

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and it says this... Let's be clear on this: OBAMA did NOT kill Bin Laden. An American soldier, who Obama just a few weeks ago was debating on whether or not to PAY, did. Obama just happened to be the one in office when our soldiers finally found OBL and took him out. This is NOT an Obama victory, but an AMERICAN victory!!! Well, Golly! It's not like anyone expected the President of the United States of America to go over the Pakistan HIMSELF and put two rounds in Osama's eyeball. It was a MILITARY MISSION, planned by military commanders... AT THE DIRECTION OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!!! The President CHOSE the plan, the President AUTHORIZED the plan. The President deserves the credit as Commander-in-Chief for the SUCCESS of the plan! He sure as shit would have caught the BLAME for it if it had gone belly up or Osama got away or any Americans were killed or injured. Conservatives are STILL barking about Jimmy Carter and how he PERSONALLY whipped up that sandstorm that befouled the helicopter engines leading to the crash of the Iran rescue mission in 1980. Conservatives are STILL beating Clinton for the rocketpropelled grenade that shot down a Blackhawk in Mogadishu. Oh, and the people who were considering not paying the troops? They had an (R) after their name. And who here remembers what conservatives were saying about Bush when the troops captured Saddam Hussein? I do! From the archives of the National Review Online. (Emphasis added)51 SADDAM'S LAST VICTIMS [John Derbyshire] It is now clear that the capture of Saddam struck a major body blow at the Democratic Party. Tina Brown tells the tale here 51

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(though with a nasty twist at the end). Capturing Osama bin Laden, always very desirable, is now also an electoral imperative. If _he_ were to show up on our TV screens around the middle of next year with a US Army medic shining a flashlight down his throat, the Democrats would be polling in single digits. THE PERFECT WAY TO CELEBRATE W'S VICTORY OVER SADDAM: GET WE WILL PREVAIL (IT'S ALSO THE PERFECT CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR YOUR FAVORITE REPUBLICAN) [Jack Fowler] Damn straight we will prevail, and that is why, today--the day after the rat was caught in his hole--you'll want to order We Will Prevail: President George W. Bush on War, Terrorism, and Freedom, an NR/Continuum book (with a smashing Foreword by Peggy Noonan and a superior Introduction by NR Managing Editor Jay Nordlinger) that collects over 90 of the most compelling and inspiring speeches given by President George W. Bush as he rallied the United States and other nations after the terrible and tragic attacks of September 11, 2001. It's a great book. We say so--and so does Steve Forbes: BUSH, POST CAPTURE [Stanley Kurtz] The boost to the president’s stature from the capture of Saddam Hussein goes far beyond the sense that the violence in Iraq may now decrease. The deeper gain for the president will be in the way the public perceives him. In an age of instant news cycles, constant political positioning, and wars that last mere days or weeks, it is rare for our nation to have to cope with violence and woe over a substantial period of time. President Bush has now done this in Iraq. A feeling that the president has the courage and resolve to make bold moves and stick with them, even when the going gets tough, will now take root. Nothing that has happened up to now– neither 9/11, nor Afghanistan, nor the actual war in Iraq, compares to the occupation in either difficulty or scale. To have seen this through until a corner was turned means that the president’s reputation for leadership has now been deepened immensely. This is something more serious than even the president’s “transformation” after 9/11. There is no substitute for the proof of time, and time has now cemented a bond between the president and the public. I’ve heard it said that the president’s reelection could be threatened by a major terrorist attack on American soil. I don’t believe that. Any 116

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major attack would help the president and hurt his Democratic rivals. Who now would trust a Democratic candidates over president Bush to see us through a crisis with courage and resolve? In a post-9/11 world, personal stature, will, and leadership count for even more than they ordinarily do. Combine this with what is likely to be a deadly civil war among the Democrats over Iraq, and the fundamentals for the Republicans in the next election are looking very good indeed. Turns out the "deadly civil war" Stanley predicted was between Sunnis and Shi'ites! WHO COULD HAVE FORESEEN THAT? (Other than ANYONE who understands the rivalries between the two sects of Islam...) TOM SHALES [Tim Graham] In the Post, Tom Shales had a nice line: "There was widespread agreement, as the saying goes, on virtually every network that the Bush administration's triumph in capturing Hussein was very bad news for Dean, a constant critic of the war now left looking like a monkey whose organ grinder had run away." LEGACY SPIN [Kathryn Jean Lopez] An e-mailer: "Clinton got Elian Gonzalez, Bush Got Saddam Hussein." WHERE IS OSAMA? [Kathryn Jean Lopez] A reader reports: Christianne (sp?) Amanpour, EuroCNN, 2:30pm Central European Time, being asked for comments on the political fallout of today’s announcement, opens with this: “Well, let’s not forget, Osama Bin Laden is still at large, as are hundreds wanted by the Hague…” (that’s transcribed from memory). So… took about 38 minutes from your asking the question. And only seven more years for Bush's successor to get the job done. RE: GOTCHA [Kathryn Jean Lopez]

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REALLY wish he were dead. But wow. How does the media laugh at "Mission Accomplished" today? Yes, Kathryn, we WOULD laugh, if it weren't for the thousands and thousands of dead American soldiers that came AFTER this particularly egregious moment of hubris. Of course, the conservatives also gave Bush the credit for killing Abu al-Zarqawi (head of al Qaeda in Iraq) and the capture of Khalid Sheik Muhammed (the mastermind of the 9/11 plot.) ALL HAIL TO BUSH FOR KEEPING US SAFE, was the mantra. But give OBAMA credit for the death of Osama bin Laden? NEVER! Pardon me while I spray. Psssssssssssst..... There we go. Smells better now, doesn't it? EVERY military operation that succeeds is credited to the commander-in-chief. Every military operation that bombs is blamed on the commander-in-chief. Remember the crap JFK took after the Bay of Pigs? Of course, unlike Bush, JFK accepted the blame for THAT clusterdiddle. But even now, the conservatives are taking almost FULL credit for Osama's death.

All the while whining about Democrats politicizing the event.

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But about that resolution... (emphasis added) The full text of the S. Res. 159: Honoring the members of the military and intelligence community who carried out the mission that killed Osama bin Laden, and for other purposes. Whereas, on May 1, 2011, United States personnel killed terrorist leader Osama bin Laden during the course of a targeted strike against his secret compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan; Whereas Osama bin Laden was the leader of the al Qaeda terrorist organization, the most significant terrorism threat to the United States and the international community; Whereas Osama bin Laden was the architect of terrorist attacks which killed nearly 3,000 civilians on September 11, 2001, the most deadly terrorist attack against our Nation, in which al Qaeda terrorists hijacked four airplanes and crashed them into the World Trade Center in New York City, the Pentagon in Washington, D.C., and, due to heroic efforts by civilian passengers to disrupt the terrorists, near Shanksville, Pennsylvania; Whereas Osama bin Laden planned or supported numerous other deadly terrorist attacks against the United States and its allies, including the 1998 bombings of United States embassies in Kenya and Tanzania and the 2000 attack on the U.S.S. Cole in Yemen, and against innocent civilians in countries around the world, including the 2004 attack on commuter trains in Madrid, Spain and the 2005 bombings of the mass transit system in London, England; Whereas, following the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, the United States, under President George W. Bush, led an international coalition into Afghanistan to dismantle al Qaeda, deny them a safe haven in Afghanistan and ungoverned areas along the Pakistani border, and bring Osama bin Laden to justice; (and failed miserably) Whereas President Barack Obama in 2009 committed additional forces and resources to efforts in Afghanistan and Pakistan as â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;the central front in our enduring struggle against 119

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terrorism and extremism’’; Whereas the valiant members of the United States Armed Forces have courageously and vigorously pursued al Qaeda and its affiliates in Afghanistan and around the world; Whereas the anonymous, unsung heroes of the intelligence community have pursued al Qaeda and affiliates in Afghanistan, Pakistan, and around the world with tremendous dedication, sacrifice, and professionalism; Whereas the close collaboration between the Armed Forces and the intelligence community prompted the Director of National Intelligence, General James Clapper, to state, ‘‘Never have I seen a more remarkable example of focused integration, seamless collaboration, and sheer professional magnificence as was demonstrated by the Intelligence Community in the ultimate demise of Osama bin Laden.’’; Whereas, while the death of Osama bin Laden represents a significant blow to the al Qaeda organization and its affiliates and to terrorist organizations around the world, terrorism remains a critical threat to United States national security; and Whereas President Obama said, ‘‘For over two decades, bin Laden has been al Qaeda’s leader and symbol, and has continued to plot attacks against our country and our friends and allies. The death of bin Laden marks the most significant achievement to date in our Nation’s effort to defeat al Qaeda.’’: Now, therefore, be it resolved, That the Senate— (1) declares that the death of Osama bin Laden represents a measure of justice and relief for the families and friends of the nearly 3,000 men and women who lost their lives on September 11, 2001, the men and women in the United States and around the world who have been killed by other al Qaeda-sponsored attacks, the men and women of the United States Armed Forces and the intelligence community who have sacrificed their lives pursuing Osama bin Laden and al Qaeda; (2) commends the men and women of the United States Armed Forces and the United States intelligence community for the tremendous commitment, perseverance, professionalism, and sacrifice they displayed in bringing Osama bin Laden to justice;

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(3) commends the men and women of the United States Armed Forces and the United States intelligence community for committing themselves to defeating, disrupting, and dismantling al Qaeda; (4) commends the President for ordering the successful operations to locate and eliminate Osama bin Laden; and (5) reaffirms its commitment to disrupting, dismantling, and defeating al Qaeda and affiliated organizations around the world that threaten United States national security, eliminating a safe haven for terrorists in Afghanistan and Pakistan, and bringing terrorists to justice.52 Let's see... Bush is mentioned for STARTING the war. They very kindly neglect to mention that by pulling out the troops to ramp up for the unnecessary war in Iraq, that gave bin Laden the opportunity to escape to Pakistan. And the resolution "commends the PRESIDENT". Not Bush. The PRESIDENT. But of course, conservatives LOVE to rewrite history. It's what they do! And they have the never to send tweets congratulating BUSH (and obama). Pssssssttttttt.... There. OK, what else stinks in here? 2. Where's the body? Why did they bury him at sea? Where are the pictures? SWEET JESUS, people! This happened 72 hours ago... And the answers are easy. He was buried at sea because no country wanted him on their soil. Unlike the previous administration, the current administration actually CARES about the religious traditions of non-Christians. Since Muslim (and Jewish) tradition demands cleansing and burial within 24 hours, and no country wanted a ready-made shrine to Osama, burial at sea was the only idea that made sense. And to those 52

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who say it's an affront to Islam to bury one of the faithful at sea, what did the early Muslim explorers do when someone died on one of their long ocean voyages? Let him decompose on deck? And the pictures... we'll see the pictures. They are gross and disgusting, but they will surface and you will see them. So, let me grab that can again... Psssssssst..... There. Smells like a pine forest in here. What's left? 3. Ah! The "deathers." The people who think the whole thing was staged and is fake. These are the people who believe that Obama, in conjunction with the saucer people, under the supervision of the reverse vampires, got the CIA, the Department of Defense, and the very same SEAL team that took out the Somali pirates in 2009 to agree to this "conspiracy," just to make Obama look good. I don't think spray is gonna clear THIS stench. At least not until after we flush first. Fllllluuuuussssssshhhh...... gurgle! There. What a mess THAT was. NOW we can spray. Pssssssst...... Doesn't the truth smell GOOD? And then, finally, the conservative lie that "torture works" because waterboarding KSM led them to the info that caught OBL. Bullshit. More and more evidence suggests a key piece of intelligence â&#x20AC;&#x201D; the first link in the chain of information that led U.S. intelligence officials to Osama bin Laden â&#x20AC;&#x201D; wasn't tortured out of its source. And, indeed, that torture actually failed to produce it. "To the best of our knowledge, based on a look, none of it came 122

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as a result of harsh interrogation practices," said Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA), chair of the Senate Intelligence Committee in a wide-ranging press conference. Moreover, Feinstein added, nothing about the sequence of events that culminated in Sunday's raid vindicates the Bush-era techniques, nor their use of black sites â&#x20AC;&#x201D; secret prisons, operated by the CIA53. But yet, the conservatives continue to tell the lie, the easily DISPROVEN lie, without answering the central question. If Bush HAD this info in 2007, why didn't he act on it? Why didn't he GET Osama? Could it be because in 2002 he said THIS? "I don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority."â&#x20AC;¨- G.W. Bush, 3/13/0254 "I am truly not that concerned about him." - G.W. Bush, repsonding to a question about bin Laden's whereabouts, 3/13/02 (The New American, 4/8/02) Still, let us not be angry with our conservative neighbors. They aren't USED to seeing a president pull off something and get it done with no American loss of life. They want some of the glory that is owed to the troops and their commander-in-chief to be reflected onto poor old Georgie Bush. We all know what really happened. PSSSSSSSSSSTTTTT......

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25. At Least Be HONEST About Your Obama Hatred!55

â&#x20AC;¨I don't know about you, but I think I'd have a lot more respect for conservatives if they just came out and admitted the obvious truth... They hate Barack Hussein Obama FAR more than they EVER hated Osama bin Laden! If they just came out and SAID that instead of all this "pussyfooting around" (as Caribou Barbie calls it), they'd have their cards on the table and we would all know where they stand! 55

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But instead, they have to communicate with each other in code. First, the idea that Obama released his long-form birth certificate, an obvious fraud and phony fake document, knowing that the OBL raid was going down and it would divert attention from Obama's true status as an Indo-Kenyan-Canadian-Muslim-Extremist with Dual British Citizenship. Then, there are questions about the raid itself. "Why does the story keep changing? What is Obama lying about NOW?" Anyone who has ever followed the news after a major military operation knows that there are at least two versions of the event. The one that gets released first, then the one that gets released after everyone has been debriefed, told their side of the story, what they saw, what they did, and then an official version of events is recorded. Details will change. It happened in the Iraq war. It happened in the Kosovo conflict. It happened in Desert Storm. It happened in Vietnam. It happened in Korea, and it sure as HELL happened in both World Wars. But because Obama's president now, all of a sudden it's a nefarious SCHEME and Obama's LYING! AGAIN!!! Hey, here are some examples of "Stories Changing" that we could remind our conservative pals about. Pat Tillman. Remember how that turned from a story about the heroic former NFL player leading his troops into combat and dying heroically while trying to save his buddies? That story had a few modifications in the final version, like how the entire company was confused and shooting at each other and Tillman got his head blown off by one of his own troops. Slight change in the narrative. Or â&#x20AC;&#x201D; here's an oldie but a goodie â&#x20AC;&#x201D; the Jessica Lynch rescue! Remember how she bravely fought against her evil Moooslim attackers, killing them with the butt of her rifle when she ran out of bullets? They had to change that narrative when Jessica fessed up that she never fired her weapon and got knocked unconscious when her vehicle crashed. Again, just a minor modification from the official narrative. OOOOOH! But that OBAMA! Taking CREDIT for the BRAVERY of his TROOPS! WAS Osama armed? DID he use his wife as a shield! THESE ARE IMPORTANT THINGS AMERICA NEEDS TO KNOW! AND RIGHT NOW!

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Oh, and those bloody gruesome photos of Osama's destroyed head. Conservatives need to see those, too. Never mind the DNA analysis and the facial recognition software and the fact that the body was identified by one of Osama's wives. WE NEED TO SEE THE PHOTOGRAPH! But what about the president's concerns that we not be seen as using the corpse of our enemy as a trophy, that the photos could be used as a rallying tool by other Islamic extremists to radicalize a new generation of America-hating martyrs who could come over here and blow up a school bus filled with YOUR CHILDREN! That doesn't scare us, conservatives say. The thought of increased physical danger to American school kids may worry your weak, lily-livered Kenyan, but a true American with red, white and blue bone marrow KNOWS that we can handle anything the ragheads deal. They wanna blow up a few more buildings because they were outraged at the desecration and display of a Muslim corpse? Let 'em. They wanna set off dirty bombs at shopping malls because we stuffed the head wound with bacon before dumping his ass in the ocean, that's fine. We can stand a few thousand American civilian casualties, because if we show them we FEAR them by acting like decent human beings, THEY WIN! It's an idiot's argument, of course. But what do you expect from idiots? Here's another one. Our weak, spineless President took 16 hours to make up his mind before giving the order to send in the SEALS. 16 hours! Can you IMAGINE? Why, George W. Bush woulda sent in the 7th Cavalry Mounted Armor Pony Soldier Division to slaughter any raghead who even so much as LOOKED like OBL, and he'd have done it in a MINUTE. This, of course, is all based on a single story from a single London newspaper with a conservative viewpoint that got its facts wrong.

The mission looked set to be given the all clear last Thursday when analysts confirmed beyond doubt that Bin Laden was in busy town [sic] of Abbottabad in northern Pakistan. But the president stunned officials when he told a national security meeting that he wanted more time to think - and disappeared out of the room. 126

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'I'm not going to tell you what my decision is now - I'm going to go back and think about it some more,' said Obama, according to the New York Times. He then added 'I'm going to make a decision soon.' The head of the CIA and other senior intelligence officers who were keen to proceed were left tense as they waited for the president's decision. [Daily Mail, 5/3/11] Unfortunately for the Mail, they were mistaken.

1. Analysts never said "beyond doubt" that OBL was there.

CIA Director Leon Panetta, who supervised the operation, said in interviews that U.S. intelligence agencies never had photographs or other proof that bin Laden was living at the compound in Pakistan that was targeted. Panetta told Time magazine that analysts were only 60 percent to 80 percent confident that bin Laden would be found. "We never had direct evidence that he in fact had ever been there or was located there," Panetta said in a separate interview with "PBS NewsHour." "The reality was that we could have gone in there and not found bin Laden at all." President Obama nevertheless approved the operation, Panetta and other U.S. officials said, because there was little chance of obtaining more definitive intelligence on bin Laden's location, which had amounted to a guessing game for the better part of 10 years. [The Washington Post, 5/3/11]

2. Advisers were NOT "Stunned" by the President's decision to give the matter some more thought.

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Abbottabad. They did. It was time to decide. Around the table, the group went over and over the negative scenarios. There were long periods of silence, one aide said. And then, finally, Mr. Obama spoke: "I'm not going to tell you what my decision is now â&#x20AC;&#x201D; I'm going to go back and think about it some more." But he added, "I'm going to make a decision soon." Sixteen hours later, he had made up his mind. Early the next morning, four top aides were summoned to the White House Diplomatic Room. Before they could brief the president, he cut them off. "It's a go," he said. The earliest the operation could take place was Saturday, but officials cautioned that cloud cover in the area meant that Sunday was much more likely. [The New York Times, 5/2/11]

3. Some of Obama's advisers recommended taking MORE time to consider the mission.

The intelligence professionals said they did not know for sure that bin Laden was in the compound. The case was good, but circumstantial. The likelihood, officials told the President, was between 50% and 80%. No slam dunk. Obama went around the table asking everyone to state their opinion. He quizzed his staff about worst case scenarios-the possibility of civilian casualties, a hostage situation, a diplomatic blow-up with Pakistan, a downed helicopter. He was presented with three options: Wait to gather more intelligence, attack with targeted bombs from the air, or go in on the ground with troops. The room was divided about 50-50, said a person in the room. John Brennan, the President's senior counterterrorism adviser, supported a ground strike, as did the operational people, including Leon Panetta at the CIA. Others called for more time. In the end, about half of the senior aides supported a helicopter assault. The other half said either wait, or strike from above. Obama left the meeting without signaling his intent. He wanted to sleep on it. At about 8:00 a.m. on Friday, just before he boarded a helicopter that would take him to tour tornado damage in Alabama, Obama called his senior aides into the Diplomatic Room. He told them his decision: A helicopter assault. [Time, 5/2/11, emphasis added] 128

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But it's like I've said, time after time,"truth" is not the point where conservatives live. It's all about "what can we say or do to make that Kenyan pretender in the White House look as bad as possible." The meme going around now about how the TROOPS deserve the credit, Obama NONE! Blatant bullshit. And this comes from the same people who wanted to canonize George W. Bush for the capture of Saddam Hussein and Abu al-Zarqawi. This is an argument that's been around for a while but is newly re-emerging as the final argument for Mr. Bush: the one big thing he had to do after 9/11, the single thing he absolutely had to do, was keep it from happening again. And so far he has. Peggy Noonan in the WSJ, 12/5/08

The legions of Bush critics will never give the president credit for even this achievement, though they should. Noted Iraq War Runup Enabler Judith Miller in her Pundicity column, Jan. 19, 2009 "Fascinating to hear George W. Bush discuss some of his major decisions. Mr. President, thank you for keeping us safe," Pawlenty, a potential 2012 presidential candidate, tweeted. From "The Hill," 11/9/10 (And how did Pawlenty react to Osama's death?)

Pawlenty issued a statement saying the news fulfills the promise made by President George W. Bush after the Sept. 11 attacks that the U.S. would bring bin Laden to justice.

The former governor of Minnesota also congratulated Obama â&#x20AC;&#x153;for a job well done.â&#x20AC;?

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Oh, St. George of Bush with your mighty sword of righteousness, thank you for keeping your promise to catch the Mooslim devil. That kid Obama got one thing right â&#x20AC;&#x201D; finally. Even BUSH took credit for his "keeping America safe." President George W. Bush, ever focused on his legacy, said Wednesday "there can be no debate" about his record of preventing another terrorist attack. Evoking harrowing memories of Sept. 11, 2001, Bush said virtually no one could have predicted back then that the country would not be hit again for the rest of his presidency. "It's not a matter of luck," Bush said, defending his security policies.

But OBAMA? CREDIT? HE didn't go to Pakistan. HE didn't pull the trigger. He treated the body with more respect than the Mooslim murderers treated the people they beheaded. Why should HE get any of the credit. 1. For the same reason you gave Bush the "credit" for taking down Saddam and al-Zarqawi and for "keeping us safe" (minus that minor lapse in August 2001 when he ignored the direct warning that bin Laden wanted to attack major American cities using airplanes as weapons.) He's the commander-in-chief. Nothing gets done without his approval. 2. He treated the body with respect for reasons that fewer and fewer conservatives seem to understand. Because WE ARE BETTER THAN THEY ARE!!! We DON'T behead our prisoners. We DON'T torture them (anymore). We DO respect the religious traditions of others. This is the United States of America. No matter how bloodthirsty our conservative brothers and sisters may be, when we sink to the level of the barbarian, we become barbarians. To sum up â&#x20AC;&#x201D; exchange the name Obama with Bush. Bush captures and kills Osama. Bush does it with no collateral damage. Bush does it with no American loss of life. The conservatives are calling him the greatest president in history, second only to St. Ronaldus Maximus. But to give that kind of credit, that kind of glory, that kind of 130

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RESPECT to this dirty little socialist marxist Kenyan NEE-grow? Unheard of. And since they hate Barack Obama more than they EVER hated Osama bin Laden, that is the sort of rhetoric was can expect to continue. It's like Jon Stewart said on Tuesday's "The Daily Show." "YOU HAVE TO WONDER WHAT THEY HAVE LIVING IN THEIR HEADS."

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26. Explaining Racism: Why Do the Heathen Rage?56 It’s clear as we enter the second decade of the 21st Century that there just isn’t a place for good old-fashioned common-sense racism any more. The forces of political correctness have won the war. The best a racist can hope to do is use so-called “dog-whistle” terms like “those people” to describe African Americans as a group, “uppity” to define one of “those people” with an “I’m as good as you” attitude, and – on the positive side – “clean and articulate” as a compliment to African Americans who are able to speak to white people in words that are understood by the white person and with an odor that doesn’t offend. “Ever been in one of ‘those people’s houses?” is a common racist question. “I’m no racist, but I had to take three showers to get the stink out of my hair.” The problem, if it is proper to call it a problem, is a portion of the brain of the American racist that is hard-wired to see what he/she WANTS to see instead of what his/her eyeballs are actually transmitting to his/her occipital regions of the brain. For instance, where a non-racist would see THIS image…

The RACIST would see THIS image. (NEXT PAGE, PLEASE)

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The non-racist sees THIS image... (NEXT PAGE PLEASE)

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While the RACIST sees THIS image.

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And our current president. Where the non-racist sees THIS... (NEXT PAGE, PLEASE)

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The RACIST sees THIS!!!

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â&#x20AC;¨ Now, is this the fault of the RACIST? Of course not. As mentioned, everything they see is filtered through a lens of racism, fear and ignorance. For the purposes of simplicity, we shall refer to this as the Limbaugh Lens. But this lens is NOT part of the eye itself. It is part of the racist brain. Observe. 137

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The eyeball itself works fine. The image reflected through the lens is inverted and received by the cones and rods on the retina. The retina transmits these signals through the optic nerve to the occipital regions of the brain, which translates the images received in a rightside-up, accurate representation of the thing one is looking at. Except for the racist. The Limbaugh Lens is situated right at the confluence of the optic nerves , the “chiasma” where the right optic nerve transmits the signal to the left side of the occipital lobe and vice versa. (NEXT PAGE, PLEASE)

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â&#x20AC;¨Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s science. These people were not born with this defect. However, after getting their heads slapped by their parents for playing with black children, being forced to listen to hate-filled racist epithets about black people being shared with people the child looks up to as role models, the lens quickly forms from crystals knocked loose by the repeated whacks to the head. Where education would cause the

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crystals to disperse in the blood stream, a lack of education allows the lens to solidify and perfect itself. By age 7, the lens is usually fully formed and functional. Whether it’s the heat, the humidity, the lack of a decent public education system, or for whatever reason, this newly-renamed phenomenon known as the “Limbaugh Lens” is prevalent in Southern areas of the country, and seems to be directly related in an inverse way with the amount of formal education, the individual’s IQ, and the individual’s propensity to write the word “your” when he/she means to write “you’re.” Once known by its Latin name, the lens redneckius, the Limbaugh Lens got its current moniker when studies in 1998 demonstrated that regular listening to Rush Limbaugh had the effect of chemically “polishing” the lens to more clearly reflect the racism. Unfortunately, no surgical procedure currently exists which would successfully remove this so-called “Limbaugh Lens” without leading to total blindness in the racist. Studies are underway to test the efficacy to insert a lens into each of the optic nerves leading to the chiasma that would make the actual image translated by the retina hyper-acceptable so when the image reaches the Limbaugh Lens, it’s hateful influence will be modified and the image will revert to its original form. Perhaps with some slight modifications, some day in the not too distant future, racist optic nerves could be surgically adjusted to alleviate the effect of the Limbaugh Lens. Theoretically, it would work like this. (NEXT PAGE, PLEASE)

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But, of course, this is still in the early developmental stage. QUESTIONS?

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27. Explaining Racism: Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s HARD Out There for a CEO57 Gracious! Part 1 of our series, "Why Do the Heathen Rage" seems to have generated a bit of angst among some of my white readers. A gentleman named "Tom Mason" put fingertip to keyboard and wrote, "I can see this article is anti-white. What is sad is that is written by, I presume, a white man. Why not write about the discrimination against white people by our own government (affirmative action for one) or all the violent racial crimes against whites. Don't believe it? Check the F.B.I. statistics on that one. And please don't tell me that whites deserve it. Antiracism is a code word for anti-white. Why not write something original and more up to date in todays' world. Like the racism and hatred for whites by blacks and mexicans. Why not write about discrimination against whites? And please don't say there isn't any. Open your eyes!â&#x20AC;? Tom! Take a deep breath. Relax. Take a xanax. (I assume, being white, you have adequate health care.) The government is NOT out to get you, Tom. Despite the fact that we have an AfricanAmerican president, the darkies are NOT coming to GET you, Tom. I understand your angst at being a member of the mostoppressed, most put-upon, most-discriminated race in America. Could there BE a more difficult obstacle in the path to success in the USA than being a white male? It makes me weep when I think of the disadvantages I've had to overcome being a white male, being judged by the content of my character and not the color of my skin. Then there's that constant danger of roving gangs of Mexican authorities who would like nothing better than to round me and my kind up and send us back to Germany, or England, or Poland, or Russia, or France, or wherever our white ancestors came from. Do you realize, Tom, that in some states it is now perfectly LEGAL for the cops to pull me over and check my papers just

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because I'm white? "What's a white guy doing in this nice neighborhood at this time of night, Pinky?" And I wish I had time to check those FBI statistics you speak of, Tom. Post a link next time. I'm sure we'll see that the incidents of black people tying white people to the bumpers of their pickup trucks and dragging them along country highways until their bodies fall apart have SKYROCKETED. Much like the reports of black people tying homosexuals to fences and beating them to death. Or black people forming militias and holding little boot camps out in the piney woods so they can be ready when the government comes to take their guns. So relax, Tom. Relax. Don't let "Blackie" keep you down any longer. Another response comes from someone calling himself "Uncle Tom's Cousin." Why is racism always about white people discriminating against blacks?    Why aren't there any articles about white or black people discriminating against Mexicans?    After all they are now the largest minority group in the US and I'm sure that they get their share of discrimination. And I mean even the ones that are not illegal.    No it's still about keeping the black man down.     Why is it that when 40% of whote (sp) people vote for a black man and he doesn't get elected that's racist.    Yet when 95% of black people vote for a black man it's expected. Tell me skin 143

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color didn't influence their decision. I'll get to your questions in a moment, but first — your name. How could you possibly be your uncle's cousin? Are you from Arkansas? None of my business, I guess. And "Cousin" here is suffering from the same anxiety as our first writer. Any idea considered "anti-racist" must also be considered "anti-white". Because, you see, ensuring equality to people of color MUST mean they're taking something AWAY from HIM! Now, I don't know where "Cousin" actually lives, but it must be some dark corner of the globe where the Internet hasn't reached or he'd have read SOMEWHERE about how the State of Arizona has turned "being brown-skinned" into "probable cause" and reason to be pulled over to have your legal status checked. You would THINK that "Cousin" has seen stories about how certain elements of the Republican Party (I think they're called the "Asshole Caucus") wants to interpret the 14th Amendment to steal the rightful citizenship of children born on American soil if their parent's name happens to end with a vowel. I would remind "Cousin" that huge percentages of black people voted for Bill Clinton, Al Gore, John Kerry, and every other Democrat running for president since Lyndon Johnson signed the legislation in 1964 that made it legal for them to vote freely. And THEM wuz WHITE guys! Was THAT racist of them, to vote for the people they thought would try less hard to screw them every day than the party representing the upper 2% of the wealthy who, no doubt, are aware of black people and Mexicans in their midst and tip them generously at Christmas time for doing such a nice job driving their cars and maintaining their lawns. And good old Johnson! Johnny on the spot when I ring the bell for a martini! Yes, gentlemen. You've made your point. "It's HARD Out Here for a CEO!" Why don't WE have our own "WHITE History Month" — other than the other 11? Why don't WE have a "WHITE Entertainment Network" — other than CBS, NBC, ABC, Fox and Fox News? Why do we allow illegal immigrants to come into our country, break our immigration laws just so they can steal those coveted tomato-picking jobs that we all want? Why do we allow poor blacks and Mexicans — many of whom aren't even MEXICAN — to clog our Emergency Rooms with their minor complaints and then they leave without paying? Why do WE have to pay for their health care just because they don't have insurance? 144

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Why do black people have to act so... so BLACK! I mean, what's with all that "hip hop" crap anyway? What do THEY have to be so angry about? Oh, sure, they're more likely to be beaten to a pulp by the cops and have the handle of a toilet plunger shoved up their ass than a white guy, but they should KNOW better than to be places they aren't supposed to be when they're not supposed to BE there! And reaching for your wallet while black? THAT'S why they get shot 115 times while trying to surrender! Are they STUPID? And why should we educate the children of illegal immigrants when it's much easier and less costly to sit and bitch about how they can't speak English. You're absolutely right, Tom and "Cousin." From now on, every article about how blacks and other minorities have faced and continue to face oppression in this country should be accompanied by an article about how HARD it is to be a member of the most oppressed, most held-back, most violated group in society. The White Male. When will we EVER get a break? It is with your suffering in mind that I present the re-written lyrics to the hit song from Djay f and Shug (there they go with those Black stage names again) It's Hard Out Here for a CEO You know it's hard out here for a CEO (you aren't knowing) When he's trying to get this money for his penthouse (you aren't knowing) For the Lexus and gas money spent (you aren't knowing) [1] Because a whole lot of unions talking crap (you aren't knowing) [2] Will have a whole lot of workers talking crap (you aren't knowing) [Djay] In my eyes I have seen some crazy things in the board room  Gotta couple Jews working on my trust fund for me But I gotta keep my ass tight like Madoff on date night Like taking from the poor don't know no better, I know it's my right I have had people killed, I have done crooked deals I read people live in poverty with no meals  It's messed up where they live, but that's just how it is It might be new to you, but it's been like this for years It's blood sweat and tears for them, I just don't give a shit I'm trying to get richer before the Feds catch up with it I want more things but it's hard for a CEO But I'm praying and I'm hoping to God I don't slip, yeah 145

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[Chorus] [Djay]â&#x20AC;¨Man it seems like I'm ducking dodging audits everydayâ&#x20AC;¨Unions hating on me cause I got workers I don't pay But I gotta stay paid, gotta stay above water Couldn't keep up with my payments for my yacht in the harbor Wall Street's where I'm from, I'm Cayman Island bound Where rich folks send their cash and it's never, never found Man these unions think we're callous, and we don't give a shit But we're squeezing from the workers and we're never gonna quit Wait I got a white Jaguar, and a black Beemer too But my corporation "owns" them (thanks again, accountant Jew!) That's the way the game goes, gotta keep it transparent Say the lawyers on my staff that are paid for by my parents [Chorus]

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28. Hi There. I’m Newt Gingrich. I’d Like to Be Your President. Maybe, Your Lover. We’ll see.58

Hi there. I'm Newt Gingrich. Perhaps you've heard of me? That's right. I was the architect of the 1994 Republican Revolution. You remember? Contract With America and all that? Sure you do. 58

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I was a great Speaker of the House. And I'll be an even GREATER president. Want to know why? Because I love America. That means, I love you. Especially if you're a fine, foxy, blond whose face hasn't been stretched out of proportion by plastic surgery. At least, not yet. Oh, I know. You think I'm a BAD boy. You heard all that stuff about how I cheated on my first wife with my second wife. How I served her with divorce papers while she was on her sickbed trying to recover from cancer, poor thing. You heard how I cheated on my second wife with my third wife. And while I was doing that, I was impeaching the popular Democrat President of the United States for

getting some sweet, sweet love from a chubby little intern, time the President could have spent better getting a handle on this little Al Qaeda thing instead of being distracted by my constant hounding of him for doing far less with his fat little intern than I was doing with my scary-looking girlfriend. But you LIKE a bad boy, don't you? That's why you liked Clinton. HE was a bad boy. He was the kind of bad boy who would take you out on a date in high school with a mattress in the back of his pickup truck and your dad would smile, wink and give him the thumbs up as he drove away with your virginity. That's the kind of bad boy I am now. Not the bumbling, stumbling, fat little hypocrite, fumbling around in dark closets in the House of Representatives Office Complex with whoever walked by with a skirt. I'm more sophisticated now. Now you know that when I unzip my trousers and walk toward you with a leer, I'm doing it because I love America. Yeeeeeeeah, baby. That's just what I told those knuckleheads over at the Christian Broadcasting System news department, and they were ready to crown me pope. I told 'em I stuck "Little Newt" into anything with a pulse and an ability to suppress a gag reflex because I was so busy and stressed and I really, really loved America. They ate it up like it was smooth, tasty, Cream of Wheat! And so will you, baby. Oh, you know you will. It might disgust you at first. That's why I have to keep Calista doped up like John 148

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McCain does with his wife. If she sobers up long enough to see who's doing that bad thing with her, she'll probably kill herself. There may be a time when that would be a good thing... the week before the election, perhaps. But not yet. Not now. Baby, just relax. I'll be going all across America to tell it of my love for it. And along the way, I plan to PERSONALLY love as many of you hot, foxy mamas as I can. As long as my Viagra holds out and you don't, we'll get along just fine. Because that's why I want to be President, baby! Because I love this country. And I won't rest until I've loved each... and... every... one... of... YOU!!! WOULD YOU CARE FOR SOME COURVOISIER. OF COURSE IT GOES WITH VALIUM. WOULD I LIE TO YOU, BABY?

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29. Hi. I’m Michele Bachmann. I’d Like to Be Your Presi… LOOK BEHIND YOU!!! RIGHT NOW!!! YAAAAAAAAAH!!!59

Hello. My name is Michele Bachmann. I'm a congresswoman from Minnesota. I'm not sure which part. I'll have someone check and let you know before I'm done. 59

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OH MY GOD!!! Sorry. I just do that sometimes. I'm nervous. And with good reason. Chances are very few of you know anything about me. That makes me wish we could hold the election RIGHT NOW! But we can't, thanks to our wonderful founders who decided when we could and could not have elections. BEHIND YOU! Sorry. I'm a little jumpy. The doctor says it's because I have five kids of my own and have provided foster care for 23 other kids. I think it was 23. At least that's how many I tell people about. Don't go digging around in my back yard.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHA! !!!! What? The Sixth Congressional District of Minnesota? Where's that? Oh. The area east, north and west of the Twin Cities.â&#x20AC;¨I forget things. But never the Constitution. Never that. It was our marvelous Constitution that made coffee possible. Did you know that? Neither did I! But I heard it somewhere. It's in an Article or Amendment or something. I get the two mixed up. BEHIND YOU! Sorry. But when I'm President, the first thing we're going to do is send each and every filthy Mexican back to their filthy country. You know why? Because our great Founding Fathers like Thomas Jefferson and James Madison and Abraham Lincoln and Dwight D. Eisenhower didn't even PUT the WORD "Mexico" IN our glorious Constitution.

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They also left out Social Security, Medicare, the Interstate Highway System and Food Safety. So that means all those things have to be handled by the states. Don't blame me. It's in the Constitution. NO! YOU CAN NOT HAVE A FUCKING COOKIE! MOMMY IS TALKING TO THE PEOPLE RIGHT NOW! GET BACK IN THE BASEMENT WITH THE OTHERS OR I'LL SHOW YOU A SPOT IN THE BACK YARD! I'VE ALREADY DUG THE HOLE! I SWEAR TO GOD! I'VE ALREADY DUG THE GODDAMNED HOLE!!! I'm sorry. What were we talking about? Oh, yes. Freedom. And that's why I want to be President. And I will be. You just wait. You think you're smarter than me? You think you're BETTER than me? I don't THINK so, little Missy! SHARK! Oh, sorry. Did you see that flash of red just then? Me neither. And I hate communists. They're everywhere, you know. That's why Chris Matthews wouldn't allow me to give loyalty oaths to members of Congress because HE KNOWS the Democrats are all communists who want to give our precious freedoms to Osama bin Laden's ghost so he can command his Sharia Law all over us, even in the butt. What? So remember during the Republican Primaries to vote for me because I believe in Jesus, the Constitution, God, America, the Constitution, the American Flag and Jesus. GET BACK IN THE GODDAMNED BASEMENT OR I'LL CAVE IN YOUR TINY SKULLS WITH THIS FUCKING MEAT TENDERIZER! I'LL DO IT! YOU'VE SEEN ME DO IT! I SWEAR TO THE ALMIGHTY, I'VE ALREADY DUG THE GODDAMNED HOLE! Thank you, and good night! What? 152

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30. Hi! Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m Mitt Romney. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d Like to Be Your President. I Can Be Crazy TOO!60

Hi there. I'm Mitt Romney. You might remember me as the square-jawed, independent-minded, "do what's right and take the political fallout" guy who was Governor of Massachusetts. I'm the guy who fought for and won insurance coverage for practically every man, woman and child in the state, even going so far as to make it illegal to NOT have insurance coverage. In a time where most Republicans were anti-gay to the point of homophobia, I was in FAVOR of gay rights. In a time where most Republicans think life begins at the moment Papa gets a chubby, I was IN FAVOR of a woman's right to make her own choices in the area of reproduction. I was against some aspects of "abstinenceonly" sex education and supported embryonic stem cell research. As you consider your choices for our party's presidential nominee in 2012, there are four words I'd like you to keep in mind. "I'm sorry. I've changed!" 60

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No. Really. I have. Quit booing me. Didn't I make that 180-degree turn from pro-choice to antichoice? Didn't I decide that being gay is bad? Didn't I... OK, WHO THREW THAT TOMATO? Back to the topic. The point is, if my career has demonstrated ANYTHING it's that I will DO or SAY ANYTHING YOU PEOPLE WANT ME TO to get the NOMINATION! REALLY! If you Tea Partiers announced tomorrow that you wanted the next president to pass a law against the teaching of evolution in schools, I'D PASS IT! If you Tea Partiers believe cavemen rode around on dinosaurs and think "The Flintstones" was an accurate representation of prehistoric man... I BELIEVE THAT TOO!!! If I flipped on abortion, gay rights and embryonic stem cell research, why WOULDN'T I dismantle a health care system that is almost CHAPTER AND VERSE the SAME health care plan that I created that is incredibly popular and is working oh, so well for the people of Massachusetts? If YOU hate it... SO DO I! OK, now you're throwing flip-flops at me. That's so mature. People, if you'll stop throwing things for a moment and try to keep the screaming and profanities down to a dull roar, you will HEAR me when I say I HAVE SEEN THE ERROR OF MY WAYS! I am ONE OF YOU now! ONE OF YOU! ONE OF YOU! GOOBLE GOBBLE! ONE OF YOU! A whole trash can filled with garbage? You old bastards managed to heave an entire trash can filled with garbage onto the stage? Look. It's clear you like crazy. That explains why you like Newt the serial adulterer. That explains why you like Michele Bachmann who thinks Abraham Lincoln signed the Constitution. That explains why you like Trump who looks like he had a cat die on his head and nobody ever told him. That explains why you flock to Sarah Palin and sniff up every fart she expels from her Twitter account as if it 154

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smelled like fried chicken. I CAN BE CRAZY TOO! LOOK! LOOK! You'll like this story. Remember when I told you about the time I took my family on a long car trip? Before beginning the drive, I put Seamus, our family’s big, happy Irish setter, in a dog carrier and attached it to the station wagon’s roof rack. I had even built a windshield for the carrier, to make the ride more comfortable for the dog. This is the funny part. As my oldest son, Tagg, (and see, Sarah Palin isn't the only ones to give her kids weird names that don't mean anything) he sat towards the back of the wagon keeping his eyes fixed out the rear window. That's when he saw the first sign of trouble. ”Dad!” he yelled. ”Gross!” A brown liquid was dripping down the back window, payback from an Irish setter who’d been riding on the roof in the wind for hours. Well, you can just imagine the hubbub. As the rest of my many, many sons joined in the howls of disgust, I coolly pulled off the highway and into a service station. There, I borrowed a hose, washed down Seamus and the car, then hopped back onto the highway. Now that's what I call emotion-free crisis management. I wonder what ever happened to poor Seamus. Pretty crazy, huh? See? I do crazy stuff like that all the time! Oh, very funny. You're throwing dog biscuits now. Ha ha. That's so funny I almost forgot to laugh. Look, you idiots! Here's the choice you're gonna face next year. You're going to be trying to unseat a guy who just hunted down America's worse enemy since Hitler and shot him in the eye. IN THE EYE, people! All the birther crap? Fell flat on its face. All the "It wasn't really Osama?" Even the developmentally-disabled Michele Bachmann has seen the picture and SHE says it was Osama! The economy is getting better, slowly but surely, and by 2012 we're going to be facing a strong, well-funded, popular incumbent. You think you're going to beat him by marching around in your little Halloween Patriot costumes, playing flutes and waving "Don't Tread on Me?" flags? You think you're going to beat him with Newt who is probably off somewhere humping a warm meatloaf right this 155

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very minute? You think you're going to beat him with Trump, who is probably humping the OTHER end of the same meatloaf while demanding to see its birth certificate? You think you're going to beat him with Huntsman who WORKED for the guy, or Mitch Daniels who pissed off every woman in his whole state by defunding Planned Parenthood or Tim Pawlenty who looks and talks like an even more BORING Gomer Pyle?

I'M THE ONLY HOPE WE HAVE, PEOPLE!!! I'M THE ONLY ONE WITH A CHANCE TO BEAT THE GUY! So if I have to fool YOU crazy old white people, the ones who will be hurt the MOST if one of these other morons gets the nomination and should, through some amazing set of circumstances, WIN in 2012... if I have to FOOL you into thinking I'm as batshit crazy as YOU are... that's what I'll do! Um... was I just thinking that, or did I actually say it out loud. OK. The looks on your faces indicate I said that out loud. SEE? I WAS FOOLING THE MEDIA! THAT'S THE PART THEY'LL PLAY ON THEIR NEWSCASTS! 156

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QUIT THROWING TAMPONS AT ME!!! By the sacred horn of the angel Moroni, I will call down a CURSE on this place!!! You don't think I can? I will! You just watch me! STOP THROWING THINGS

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31. Hi! Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m Ron Paul. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d Like to Be Your FINAL President!61

Hi. I'm Texas Congressman Ron Paul. I'm like Ross Perot, except I'm no quitter. Every time we have one of these here Presidential elections I throw my tiny little hat in the ring. Use to was that nobody paid no attention to me because my beliefs are so far out of the mainstream that nobody took me seriously. Guess what, America. Look who's mainstream NOW! Them Tea Party fellers what met in Town Halls and held their rallies all over the country, THEY made me mainstream! See, thing of it is, they AGREE with me. They don't UNDERSTAND Government, so they don't LIKE it none. And when I'm elected President, Government is gonna be the one thing you don't gotta worry about no more, not at all. 61

Originally published May 16, 2011 on Technorat.com 158

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We're gonna go back to the old Articles of Confederation. But we're still gonna CALL it "The Constitution" so we don't confuse anybody unnecessarily. Y'all know my philosophy by now. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. And if it IS broke, throw it away. And that's what we're gonna do with this here federal government. We don't NEED no federal government. We got STATE governments. Look at the name of the country. In the Declaration of Independence the country was legally named the "united States of America." They didn't even capitalize the word "united." Because they didn't WANT a strong, central government. We're spending way too much money doing things to keep people from killing themselves due to their own stupidity. That's gonna stop when I'm president. You're dumb enough to drink tainted milk or eat food with e-coli bacteria in it? DIE! You're dumb enough to reach under yer damn lawn mower while the blade is still turning? DIE! You're stupid enough not to purify your own water? DIE! You're too lazy to save for your own retirement? DIE! You wanna drink and drive? That's yer business. If you kill innocent people, you will go to a state jail paid for by state taxes... not FEDERAL taxes. Them highways is in YOUR state. YOU pay to fix them. Why should I have to pay to fix a damn highway in Rhode Island. I've never even BEEN to Rhode Island. You want your kids educated? Educate 'em at home or pony up the cash to send them to private schools. FEMA? Forget about it. Hurricanes and tornadoes hit the same damn places year after year. WHAT ARE YOU LIVING THERE FOR? And earthquakes? FIX THE DAMAGE YOURSELF! We don't GET no earthquakes in Texas. MOVE HERE if you don't want to be pickin' rubble out of your massive open head wound after a quake. Bottom line. If you can afford to pay for it, you can have it. Health care. A decent retirement. Food on your table. If you CAN'T afford to pay for it, why in Holy Hell should I have to pay for it FOR you? And unlike these other so-called conservatives who want to keep a strong military presence around the world, to HELL with that. We need JUST enough military to protect our borders. So we'll cut the Defense budget and line the Mexican border with military bases, 159

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concertina wire, land-mines and biological weapons to keep these filthy "immigrants" out of our country. I will be your final President, America. Cuz after I'm done reshaping our federal government, there ain't gonna BE no federal government. So, no need for a Congress or a Senate or a PRESIDENT even. Just a benevolent "Decider" to act as a "referee" in disputes between states. We leave everything else up to the PEOPLE. The people in Mississippi want to reinstate slavery? That's their right! Vote for it. It's your state! The people in California want to hand out heroin to third graders? Groovy, dude! Vote for it. It's your state! The people in Iowa want to allow a certain amount of hog shit in their drinking water? FINE! It's your state. It's your water! VOTE for it. Man wants to marry another man, a goat, a dog, a doorknob. FINE! If your state says it's OK, then it's OK with President Paul. SO VOTE FOR ME, AND LET'S PUT ALL THIS FEDERAL GOVERNMENT NONSENSE BEHIND US ONCE AND FOR ALL. THANK YOU.

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32. Whoops! I Went and Got the Paulianaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s MAD at Me!62

OK, so what did I learn from the 30-or so "Paulites" (as they call themselves, which is a much nicer term that one I used to read on the web site "The Wonkette" where they were referred to as "Paultards" which I think is horrible and grossly unfair because developmentally disabled kids and adults have ENOUGH challenges in their lives WITHOUT being compared to Ron Paul supporters... so I will have to think of a new thing to call them and will do so by the end of this column.) 1.They like Ron Paul. 2 They don't like people saying mean things about Ron Paul.â&#x20AC;¨ 62

Originally published May 17, 2011 on Technorat.com 161

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3. Ron Paul will save us from the "nanny state." (And wouldn't that be a nice thing? We each get assigned a nanny who would put bandaids on our boo-boos and make sure we have hot, chocolaty Ovaltine waiting for us at the end of a long winter school day, who would read us a story before bedtime and check under the bed for monsters, the boogie man and Ron Paul?) 4. I have a funny last name. Two of my critics said they were, in fact, ME! Which under the laws of physics (which Ron Paul would no doubt repeal because it's all sciencey and junk), they CAN'T be ME because I'M Me! 5  . One respondent, a doctor, has a larger penis, I mean, IQ than mine, so he's right and I'm wrong.  6. It's only satire if it's not making fun of something I believe in.  7. Those of us in the Media (NOTE TO EDITOR — Hey, Curtis... are we "The Media?) are shivering in our pee and poostained underwear in fear of Ron Paul and his legions of followers which is why we make fun of him and try to marginalize him and his literally dozens and dozens of followers.  8. I'm a terrible writer.  9. Ron Paul is right! The free market will keep us safe from polluters and people who would take short cuts in food safety and stuff and who needs government anyway? And if a few people have to die from e-coli infections or when a highway bridge falls on them, that's the price of FREEDOM!  10. Of all the Ron Paul's in the world, he's the Ron Pauliest! There. I think that about covers the lessons learned. Oooh! How about "Pauliannas"? Like "Pollyanna" but with Paul instead of Polly." Let's see if that gets some traction. Boys! (And most of you ARE boys from the looks of it), you are NOT the majority. You do NOT speak for the masses. You are following a half-wit from Texas who ran for president every year since 1988. He's only getting attention NOW because of the 24/7

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Cable Media's love of the Circus Sideshow. Enjoy your moment, because when the serious debate over who will be in the 2012 election gets started, Ron Paul will be right where he belongs. On the sidelines, screeching like "The Cat Lady" on the Simpsons, throwing rolled-up copies of the Constitution at people. Now, how about instead of writing your angry responses about how someone said mean things about poor Ronnie, just go ahead and send one of your goons over here to stomp on my head, like they did to a protestor at a Rand Paul rally. Jackbooted thuggery has a long tradition with your messianic mindset and hive mentality. And it will be easy to catch me. I can't walk very fast after 11 years with Parkinson's disease. AND THEN WON'T YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELVES?

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33. Yep! I Went and Upset the Paulianaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s REAL GOOD This Time!63

I've been writing this column for months now. I really enjoy the opportunity to "right the wrongs of the right wing by writing." In the past months, I've made satirical sport of Donald Trump, Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, and God knows how many other right wing morons who want to take this country back in time to the "Leave it to Beaver" Maple Street suburbia that never existed outside of 1950s TV, where black people were only seen as servants, there were no Mexicans, and homosexuality was "the love that dare not speak its name." Never have I received (or enjoyed!) such a vitriolic reaction as I have received in these last two columns I've written about Ron Paul. When I was a lad lo these many long years ago, my sainted mother taught me that you can tell the character of a person by the company he keeps... in this case, his supporters. 63

Originally published May 17, 2011 on Technorat.com 164

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Let us take a moment to review some of the more heated comments I've received in the last 48 hours. I'll save the best one for last. Responding to my column from yesterday, "Hi, I'm Ron Paul, and I'd Like to Be Your FINAL President," I received THESE chestnuts. This first one chose to mock my last name. Very adult.

And how can HE be Bill Schmalfeldt, unless he's my son. But my son is smarter than that. Here's a real college professor for ya!

Like most Tea Party morons, Johnny seems to be mathematically-challenged. In order to be a MAJORITY, there has 165

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to be MORE of you than in the OTHER group. The group of people who would vote for Ron Paul in a general election would fit into a high school gym â&#x20AC;&#x201D; where most of these "Pauliana's" watch on the sidelines as the real athletes play. This next rocket scientist is another example.

I'm just scared of EVERYTHING, Matthew! That's why I write this column. I'm driven by my fear. The fear of people like Ron Paul who want to strip you of your rights, strip ME of MY rights, strip EVERYONE of their rights. He says the word "Constitution" and you all ejaculate in your diapers as if you knew the first thing about the document, how it was created, or any of the content other than "We the People". This next one would probably tell you that he's a "Christian."

He sounds like he's upset that our President had the nerve to go after the killer of nearly 3,000 innocent Americans. And he is more than happy to pay inflated health insurance costs because of the people who DON'T have health care who have to use the ER when they're sick and HE has to PAY for their care. But the world is full of dumbasses, I guess. Another genius makes fun of my name.

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People have been having sport with my name since Kindergarten, son. Try a little harder next time. Here's a "twofer."

I'm always happy to have an "intellectual debate." But the argument, first of all, has to be "intellectual." Corporations are taking short cuts NOW that risk our lives every day, and that's WITH regulations. Imagine a world under Ron Paul where the federal government no longer tests milk or produce or meat products, where polluters go unregulated and unpunished. That's the kind of world these "intellectuals" want to live in. There already ARE countries like that. Somalia comes to mind! Speaking of "intellectuals."

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"Pretend time" is fun, "Doctor." But the only record I can find online of anyone with your name is a "Pauliana" writing his nonsense on far right wing blogs. Therefore, I'll accept your claim of a 145 IQ, but you misplaced a decimal point, I think. 14.5, perhaps. This one wrote three separate responses.

See, I have to leave his country because I think Ron Paul is a regressive asshole who would ruin the greatest nation ever founded on the face of this weary planet. He'd probably call himself a "Christian" too, with his love of the elderly and the sick. I wish I could write my book again, so I could dedicate it to him. The premise of the book is, it's easier to change the Bible than it is to change the heart of a hypocrite. This is a good one.

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He don't need none of that eddykayshun stuff! And speaking of "karme"... This one is from today's earlier piece, "Awwww. I Made the Paulianas MAD!"

Well, NO, Tom. See, I have my own column here on Technorati. I also have three blogs to my name. One for my literary aspirations, one for my satire, and one in which I discuss my 11-year fight against, and fight to raise money for Parkinson's disease research. A "troll" is someone like you, Tom, who writes foul, hateful filth in the comments section of blogs like this. Four years ago, I took part in a clinical trial and had experimental brain surgery to help scientists (that Ron Paul would defund) find new and better treatments for this crippling neurological disorder. But let not your heart be heavy, Tom. As sure as the clock ticks off the seconds, my Parkinson's WILL get worse. I can only imagine how different things would be if religiofascist idiots hadn't convinced President Bush to defund embryonic stem cell research. I might have had a chance for a cure. But no, my Parkinson's WILL get worse, Tom. It has already robbed me of my ability to work, to drive, to walk without fear of falling, to make love to my wife, to take a drink without risk of choking to death. It will gradually rob me of my ability to walk altogether. Then I will suffer from Parkinson's dementia and be unable to write any more. Then I will likely die from pneumonia or as the result of injuries sustained in a fall. But 169

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hey, at least those little "snowflake babies" got thawed and scraped out of the petrie dish and burned as medical waste like God intended, right Tom! Because very, very, very FEW of the unclaimed blastocysts ever get implanted into a woman. They are thrown away. Like garbage, Tom. But don't let that worry you. I will get worse and worse, and then I will die. Hopefully not for awhile yet. And during whatever time God grants me, I will continue to attempt to "right the wrongs of the right wing by writing" and doing everything within my limited power as a single individual to keep people like Ron Paul from becoming President and keep people like YOU from ever having a serious say in how people are treated. You know what they say about "karma", Tom. Stay well. And THAT, gentle reader, is why I write this column and will continue to write it. To expose troglodytes like these and to keep the people they support from ever getting any real power. Ron Paul will wind up where he deserves to wind up, babbling about the Constitution in a nursing home while cursing at the attendants he can afford to pay for about being communists and fascists. G'night!

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34. Hi. I'm Newt Gingrich. And if You Repeat What I Said on 'Meet the Press', You're a Liar!64

Newt Gingrich had to crawl to Rush Limbaugh today. It was by telephone, which is just as well as word has it the entrance to Limbaugh's studio is built like the hut Ugandan monster Idi Amin had built to welcome official visitors, with a door so low the visitor had no choice but to BOW to Amin when entering. First, Newt had to apologize for saying what he thinks about social engineering, either from the left or the right. Which, when you come right down to it, was a perfectly reasonable thing to say. Which, under the GOP's new "Tiny Tent" philosophy, means he can NEVER be the nominee because he QUESTIONS their plan to destroy the most popular government program in 50 years. After apologizing for saying what he actually thought, he said65...

Originally published May 19, 2011 on Technorat.com

http://talkingpointsmemo.com/archives/2011/05/newtology_101 .php?ref=fpblg 171

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"And by the way, it was not a reference to Paul Ryan. There was no reference to Paul Ryan in that answer." To which Limbaugh asked: "Well then what did you apologize to him about?" "Because it was interpreted in a way, which was causing trouble, which he doesn't need or deserve. And it was causing the House Republicans trouble," said Gingrich. "One of my closest friends, somebody I truly, deeply respect, e-mailed me and said 'Your answer hits every Republican who voted for the budget.'" Now, let's be fair. The last time Newt held public office there was no such thing as 24/7 cable news. Back then you could pretty much say whatever the hell you wanted and then backtrack if it

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turned out you farted in the church pew. Wasn't talking about Paul Ryan on "Meet the Press"? Roll the tape, Phil66... REP. GINGRICH: I don't think right-wing social engineering is any more desirable than left-wing social engineering. I don't think imposing radical change from the right or the left is a very good way for a free society to operate. I think we need a national conversation to get to a better Medicare system with more choices for seniors. But there are specific things you can do. At the Center for Health Transformation, which I helped found, we published a book called "Stop Paying the Crooks." We thought that was a clear enough, simple enough idea, even for Washington. We--between Medicare and Medicaid, we pay between $70 billion and $120 billion a year to crooks. And IBM has agreed to help solve it, American Express has agreed to help solve it, Visa's agreed to help solve it. You can't get anybody in this town to look at it. That's, that's almost $1 trillion over a decade. So there are things you can do to improve Medicare.MR. GREGORY: But not what Paul Ryan is suggesting, which is completely changing Medicare. REP. GINGRICH: I, I think that, I think, I think that that is too big a jump. I think what you want to have is a system where people voluntarily migrate to better outcomes, better solutions, better options, not one where you suddenly impose upon the--I don't want to--I'm against Obamacare, which is imposing radical change, and I would be against a conservative imposing radical change. So, OK. True. HE didn't mention Paul Ryan. He answered David Gregory when HE mentioned Paul Ryan by saying, "That is too big a jump." If he wasn't talking about RYAN, answering a question POSED to him ABOUT Ryan, then who the hell was he talking about? Bo Obama??? See, Newt FORGOT we HAD that tape. He's not USED to what he says being instantly retrievable to contradict him when he lies. And speaking of lies... here's a doozy. According to Newt, if any Democrat USES HIS WORDS in a political ad, they're LYING!!!

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"Any ad which quotes what I said on Sunday is a falsehood, because I have said publicly those words were inaccurate and unfortunate," he told FOX's Greta Van Susteren. ""When I make a mistake, and I'm going to on occasion, I'm going to share with the American people that was a mistake becuase that way we can have an honest conversation." Newt. Newt. Newt. NOW SARAH PALIN IS SCORING POINT ON YOU!!!67 "There's got to be the preparation on all the candidates' parts for those gotchas. That's what the lamestream media is known for nowadays is the gotcha trip-up questions," she told Sean Hannity on his Fox News Channel show Wednesday She took Gingrich at his word when he told NBC's David Gregory that House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan's proposal to overhaul Medicare was "right-wing social engineering," an assessment she called terribly wrong. But that doesn't mean he should have apologized for it. "I don't know why politicians feel that they have to apologize for something that they said just because they've gone through a 24hour cycle of the lamestream media giving them a hard time," she said. "If Newt Gingrich believes that it's right-wing social engineering to undo Obamacare and reform Medicare â&#x20AC;Ś then say so. But don't apologize later just because the media has dinged you on what you said.â&#x20AC;? Poor Newt. That evil David Gregory TRICKED him into saying those wrong, wrong words. "I didn't go in there quite hostile enough, because it didn't occur to me going in that you'd have a series of setups," Gingrich said, according to the Washington Examiner. "This wasn't me randomly saying things. These were very deliberate efforts to pick fights." THIS WAS HIS 35th APPEARANCE ON MEET THE PRESS!!! He didn't KNOW that he was gonna be asked "gotcha" 67

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questions? THAT'S WHAT THEY DO on every show that isn't on the FOX GOP PROPAGANDA CHANNEL!!! If you're a Republican, this has to make you sick. First Obama has a SEAL team put two bullets in Osama's head. Then you have Newt Gingrich IMPLODING for DARING to challenge your party's electoral "wisdom" of trying to destroy an entitlement program that is so popular that it ASTOUNDS me that anyone would even

THINK about killing it in an election cycle. What. People are going to THANK you for taking Medicare away from their mothers, their grandmothers... from THEM??? Democrats don't have to say a word. They don't have to do a thing. Just help President Obama continue to raise money and giggle quietly as the GOP destroys itself. The only people with a chance of beating Obama? They can't POSSIBLY get the nomination. Mitt Romney? OBAMA THANKED HIM YESTERDAY FOR THE ORIGIN OF "OBAMACARE!!!" You think Mitt's gonna be able to outrun THAT? 175

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John Huntsman? Please! He's good-looking, smart, and DISQUALIFIED because he was Obama's Ambassador to China, he's pro-choice, pro-gay and moderate on so many OTHER issues! You're probably gonna get stuck with Gomer Pawlenty! Imagine Pawlenty debating Obama! It will be like watching Mike Tyson in his prime beating up a third grader! (Now THERE'S a "pay for view!" The only other choices so far are just to batshit crazy to be taken seriously by anyone who doesn't march around in Revolutionary War costumes with Tea Bags stapled to his hat. Santorum? LOST IN HIS HOME STATE BY 20 POINTS!!! Bachmann? Thinks ABRAHAM LINCOLN was a FOUNDING FATHER!!! CAIN? You would let a guy who makes such a crappy pizza be PRESIDENT? We've already DISPOSED of Ron Paul.

The only chance... the ONLY chance... the GOP has in 2012 is if Gov. Christie of New Jersey changes his mind and gets in... which he has sworn he won't. See, the problem goes back to what I've been saying all along. These Tea Party Idiots think THEY are the majority in this country. They think it is THEY who speak for "We the People..." -- the only words of the Constitution they know by heart, by the way. The problem with that, as I've said, is that in order to be a "majority" there has to be MORE of you than there are who are AGAINST you!!! Trying to kill Medicare? Great idea, Republicans. Speaking on behalf of Democrats everywhere, I thank you for bringing it up. What's next on your agenda? "The Great African American Repatriation?" Oh, the Tea Party would LOVE that... filling up boats with those lazy NEE-grows and sending them BACK to Africa... You might have a small problem getting the independents and anyone who isn't batshit crazy to go along with it. But it hasn't stopped you SO far.

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35. DANIELSâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; DECISION TO FORGO 2012 RUN UNCONNECTED TO NONSUSPICIOUS HEAD WHACK68

I'm sure there was NO CONNECTION WHATSOEVER between Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels' head injury on Friday and his decision this morning to forgo seeking the GOP Presidential nomination... at least as far as anyone will say. But a woman with a frying pan can be VERY persuasive, so I'm told. NOT SAYING THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED. But still... Mixed feelings about Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels this morning. On the positive side, it's good that he considered his family's objections to the glaring spotlight of scrutiny and all the other personal sacrifices required to when Daddy runs for President. On the negative side, DID YOU SEE THE WHINY E-MAIL HE SENT TO HIS SUPPORTERS?69 68

Originally published May 22, 2011 on Technorat.com

http://latmesblogs.latmes.com/washington/2011/05/mitchdaniels-says-no-on-2012-republican-presidental-race.html 177

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Let me paraphrase. (Read the real thing and see how close I am to the mark.) Dear Supporters: I really, really wanted to run for President. I would have won, and would have been a GREAT President, too! Probably greatest EVER. But I can't. Mommy said no. I asked and asked and asked, and she said "No. I'm not going to have my family dragged through the mud just so you can be President. Forget about it." So I guess I'm just stuck being an obscure Midwestern governor of a crappy little state that nobody likes. Fine. If that's how she wants it, fine. See if I lift a FINGER around the house after this. "Honey, the garbage needs to go out." Too bad! I'm not good enough to be President, but you want me to touch your precious GARBAGE? I don't think so. "Daddy, I need $50 for the prom." Oh, really? Why don't you ask the PRESIDENT for $50. If anyone wants me I'll be sulking in the Governor's office. At least THERE, people have to do what I tell them to do. Don't get me wrong. I have a great deal of respect for a man who puts the wishes of his family ahead of his own aspirations. But can you imagine how his WIFE and KIDS feel after reading that email? "Oh, FINE! It's OUR fault that you had to make such a cowardly, unpatriotic decision. It's OUR fault that you have to remain just an obscure governor of a cruddy Midwestern state. It's US denying our country the benefit of your sterling leadership. Blame US, you self-righteous, mealy-mouthed, weaseling jackass." It does make you wonder what kind of President he would have been. Dear America: I wanted to bomb Iran. But WIFEY over here thought that there would be too many innocent people killed. So ixnay on the om-bay!

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Dear America: I THOUGHT it would be a good idea to cut spending on education, but Little Miss Teen Queen Daughter of mine thinks that she won't get into a good college if her school doesn't have all the resources it needs. So sorry, America! But "The Princess" MUST have her way! Seriously. A bold statement, like... "As much as I think I could bring to the debate, I just simply REFUSE to submit my family to the rigors and scrutiny that such an endeavor would bring." That's manly! That speaks of sacrifice. But, "I've overcome every objection but one, my mean old family..."? And in a COMPLETELY unrelated story...70 "Governor Mitch Daniels received 16 stitches to his forehead Friday afternoon after an accident at the National Institute for Fitness and Sport in Indianapolis," the governor's office said in a statement to CBS News. "As he concluded a workout at about 1:30 p.m., he was standing near a door. The door suddenly swung open and struck the governor in the forehead."

Yeah. He was hit by a door. Why does my mind fly to an episode of “Law & Order SVU”? STABLER: How'd your kid get that black eye? PARENT: He walked into a door. STABLER: (suspiciously) Uh-huh. Lots of doors at your house, eh? Let's hope Mitch is safe now that he's made this decision — in the interest of his family. (Did the cops check the bruise around the cut for the inverse image of the word "Faberware"? Check it for slivers from a rolling pin? Or am I just too suspicious?) Meh. 70

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So, OK. Who's left? Huntsman? Attractive candidate. Can't get the nomination because he worked for Obama and said some pro-choice, pro-gay things. Romney? Attractive candidate. Can't get the nomination because he flip-flopped on too many issues like the gays, the fetuses, the stem cells and besides, he invented Obamacare. Pawlenty? He announces Monday, I guess. Has all the excitement of drywall. Probably gets the nomination through attrition. Cain? Not only is he crazy, but his company makes a terrible pizza. Still, the Tea Party loves him. But he'll split the primary vote with Bachmann who will say just enough batshit crazy things to ensure continued Tea Party Devotion and Caribou Barbie who is still waiting on word from Jesus as to whether or not she should through her pageant sash into the ring. Not looking good for the GOP.

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36. Howdy, Folks! Ah'm Tim Pawlenty! And Ah'm a-Runnin' fer Presydint!71

Sha-ZAM!!! Howdy, folks! Mah name is Tim Pawlenty. But folks round the service station calls me "Gomer." Ah wonders why they does that, cuz Tim don't hardly SOUND like "Gomer" no how, but Ah'm an agreeable sort so I don't mind it much. And Ah got's me an announcement ta make. SURPRISE, SURPRISE, SURPRISE!!! Ah'm runnin' fer PRESYDINT! Shuckn's, but Ah'd shore be honored and tickled pink if y'all would let me be yer Presydint for awhile. Ah wouldn't hurt the country none and Ah'd leave it just as clean as Ah found it. Y'all got mah word on that. Just lookee here at what Ah done when Ah was Gubberner of Minnysoda!

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Ah done wrote me a book once. It was called "Courage to Stand." Heck, a feller gets TIRED of CRAWLIN' everywhere and the other kids in school will TEASE a feller if'n he can't walk on his own by the time he gets into kiddygarten. Less'n he's a cripple or some other sort of unfortunate. And Ah ain't got no quarrel with cripples. They can vote for me, too! Ah'm 50 years old, Ah ain't never killed nobody what Ah knows of, and you won't be able to find no examples of me flip-floppin' like a catfish on the pier like ol' "Flippy Mitt Romney" on account of Ah ain't never really SAID mucha nuthin' what could come back to bite me on my hiney parts if'n Ah ever changed mah mind on it. Gawwww-LEE! Ah figger Ah'm about as clean a candidate as yer gonna git in this here election. Ah ain't CRAZY lahk that OTHER Minnysoda person what's lookin' at runnin'... you know, Michele Bachmann? Ah hates to say anythin' bad about the critter cuz they teaches ya in church not to bare any false witnesses, but she's nuttier than a squirrel in an acorn tree is what she is, and that ain't a lie cuz you heard her say some nutty things your own self! Ah ain't never cheated on no wife of mine and Ah whupped that there Jesse Ventura feller right outta the Gubberner's office when he decided not to run again, so Ah got that goin' for me, too! Now they's some folks what'll tell you Ah'm prone to tell a whopper from time to time. Lahk when Ah said Obamacare is unconstitutional. That's just mah opinion, accourse, on account of no court has said it is yet. But it's mah opinion. And when Ah said gubbermint workers oughta get a pay freeze, ah honestly did not know that this here Obammer feller already DONE put a pay freeze on federal employees. But ah figger he only did it cuz he knowed Ah wuz gonner tell him he orta! When Ah said Obammer consistently stood for higher taxes, Ah whispered to whar them reporters couldn't hear it, "except when he's a cuttin' 'em," which truth be told is what he done. In fact, accordin' to one of them "Fact Checky" web thangs, "The stimulus plan early in his presidency cut taxes broadly for the middle class and business, and more recently he won a substantial cut in Social Security taxes for a year. He also campaigned in support of extending the Bush-era tax cuts for all except the wealthy, whose taxes he wanted to raise. In office, he accepted a deal from Republicans extending the tax cuts for all. As for tax increases, Obama won congressional approval to 182

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raise them on tobacco and tanning salons. The penalty for those who don't buy health insurance, once coverage is mandatory, is a form of taxation." But heck, a feller runnin' to WHUP somebody can't go around sayin' NICE things about a feller, even if they IS true, now can they? Now, Ah know Ah said that Ah done put a statewide performance pay system in place fer teachers. What Ah didn't tell you is that while the system IS statewide, but it is voluntary and most school districts have not joined. Out of the 340 school districts and charter schools in the state, with 830,000 students, 104 districts and charter schools serving 254,592 students are currently enrolled in the performance-pay program. But it ain't no lie to NOT tell ya somethin' when the thing Ah am tellin' ya is TRUE, now ain't it? So come 2012 when y'all Reepublykins step into the votey booth, jus' remember what candidate is nuttier than a shithouse rat, what candidate done cheated on his wives, what candidate has flipped and flopped like a caught muskie, and what moose-lovin' bitch from Alaska got me bumped offa the Vice Presydint list in 2008. Just check out mah records. Here's one y'might like!

G'nite, America! 183

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37. Has God Opened the WHOLE CAN???72

Has an angry, vengeful, Almighty God pouring out His anger, made from freshly-squeezed Grapes of Wrath, onto the sinful states of Southern America? I wonder. We all recall that when the airplanes hit the Twin Towers on 9/11, Pat Robertson and his now dead co-moron Jerry Falwell said it was because of America's tolerance of homos and abortion. He sent His Holy Hurricane to Wash New Orleans Clean of Queers and Negros because of THEIR sinful ways. These theories were spoken and believed by the very same people who are now picking tree splinters out of their asses all across the southern states. I grieve for the loss of life, the damage to property, the injuries, the infrastructure that will take years to rebuild. But where are the religiofascists now? Why are they not finding political reasons for God opening His whole can of Holy Whupass all over the south this spring? Look at this list, non-updated, from Wikipedia. 72

Originally published May 24, 2011 on Technorat.com 184

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Franklin County, Tennessee – 1 fatality (February 28) Acaidia Parish, Louisiana – 1 fatality (March 5) Dodge County, Georgia – 1 fatality (April 5) Atoka County, Oklahoma – 2 fatalities (April 14) Pulaski County, Arkansas – 2 fatalities (April 15) Marengo County, Alabama – 1 fatality (April 15) Greene County, Mississippi/Washington County, Alabama – 4 fatalities (April 15) Autauga County, Alabama – 3 fatalities (April 15) Moore/Wake Counties, North Carolina – 5 fatalities (April 16) Hoke/Johnston Counties, North Carolina – 2 fatalities (April 16) Bladen County, North Carolina – 3 fatalities (April 16) Bladen County, North Carolina – 1 fatality (April 16) Bertie County, North Carolina – 11 fatalities (April 16) Gloucester County, Virginia – 2 fatalities (April 16) Faulkner County, Arkansas – 4 fatalities (April 25) And this list has not been updated since April 25. Between the 25th and 28th, tornadoes in Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Louisiana, Mississippi, North Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Virginia. 325 confirmed deaths. Then Sunday night. 116 confirmed dead in Joplin, Missouri. Look at this map, which does not include the tornadoes since April 25.

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Now, compare it to THIS map.

Now YOU know, and I know that if a regular series of disasters causing hundreds and hundreds of deaths were happening in the BLUE states, right wing religious radio stations would be CROWING about how God is using his tornado of righteousness to cleanse America of its wickedness. Just like they did with 9/11 and Hurricane Katrina. Where are these voices now? Has anyone even BROUGHT UP the ridiculous idea that God is angry with those who would vote to eliminate Medicare, to take money from the poor, to take food out of the mouths of the hungry? To the Tea Party South and its racism? Of course not. The whole idea is ridiculous. Right? Whoops! They're predicting a bad day for tornadoes in Oklahoma (where they just passed anti-Sharia law legislation) and Kansas (where Dr. George Tiller, "Tiller the Killer" as Bill O'Reilly called him) was murdered. In church.) Of course, one thing has nothing to do with the other... Right? 186

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38. Dems Win NY #26, Cantor Murders Old Woman73

Democrat Kathy Hochul is the winner in the New York 26th Congressional District special election. As you may recall, the election became necessary when Republican Congressman Chris (How Do You Like My Chest Hair?) Lee had to resign after sending shirtless pictures of himself to some stranger on Craigslist. Hochul defeated Republican Jane Corwin in a district that has been Republican since Jack Kemp won it in 1970. The issue? The Ryan plan to kill Medicare. Hochul was against it. Corwin supported it. Then was against it. Then claimed Hochul wanted to cut Medicare. What this means? People like Medicare. They don't want the Republicans in Congress to kill it.

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It will be interesting to hear the splashing sounds being made by all the GOP rats leaping from this particular sinking ship. "Medicare? Cut Medicare? I always LOVED Medicare. I'd rather cut my own throat than cut Medicare? Paul Ryan? Nice guy. Good ideas. Nice way to start a conversation. But cut Medicare? No way, Jose. Nope! Nope! Nope!" Of course, there will be a few recalcitrant GOP lawmakers. Eric Cantor, the House Majority Leader being one. Hanging on to his ideological purity in the face of massive unpopularity doesn't seem to be a problem for Mr. Cantor, who yesterday said there would be no funds for tornado victims in Missouri without matching spending cuts on other liberal entitlement programs, continued to support the Ryan plan. When told the election results in the NY #26 showed that the Ryan plan was as popular as a dirty Pampers left on the checkout counter at a Taco Bell, Ryan said that running the country is NOT a "popularity contest." When reporters pressed him on the drubbing the GOP would likely face in 2012 if they pressed this issue, Cantor smirked. "Here's how much I care about that," he said. "Mrs. Abernathy, would you come in here for a moment?" His 76-year old clerical assistant toddled into the office on her walker. "Mrs. Abernathy, how long have you had Parkinson's disease?" Cantor asked. "I was diagnosed when I was 60," she said, a tear rolling down her left cheek. "What would you say if I told you the Republican party has found a CURE for folks like you," Cantor said as he opened his desk drawer and withdrew a Glock 9mm semi-automatic pistol. Mrs. Abernathy closed her eyes tightly in anticipation of what was to come, squeezing out tears which stained both cheeks now. "Thank you, Jesus, for the blessed relief from this endless torment and..."

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Cantor cut her off with a single shot to the middle of her forehead. She sank to the floor, leaving a stain on the office wall that other elderly Cantor employees immediately began to clean. "I think that's a pretty good demonstration of how we feel about polls. We will do what WE think is right and if you don't like it, well, just remember Mrs. Abernathy here." The reporters backed out of the room in silent horror as Cantor broke out a gun cleaning kit and began to dismantle the Glock.

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39. Memorial Day: IT'S ALL ABOUT CARIBOU BARBIE!74 Remember when Memorial Day was a day to decorate the graves of the brave souls who fell in service to their country? It was a day for patriotic parades and lessons about how freedom is worth protecting -- and what the price of that protection was. Of course, it devolved into a three day weekend for traveling and barbecuing and car sales and great deals on mattresses, but the day still retained much of its dignity. Memorial Day will survive. Yes, it will survive even this LATEST insult. That's right Memorial Day is ALL ABOUT CARIBOU BARBIE as she latches on like a bloodsucking leech to the Rolling Thunder veterans to begin her bus tour that has NOTHING to do with her never-gonna-happen presidential campaign but has EVERYTHING to do with getting Dunderhead right wing evangelicals to throw money at her so she can keep buying fancy dresses and glittery jewels, so she can keep farting through silk and keep her boy toy Todd and their miserable children Bristol and Trig and Trip and Trigger and Stick and Fence and Spoon living in the luxury they've become accustomed to. That's right America. Memorial Day is ALL ABOUT keeping Caribou Barbie and her hillbilly band rich and laughing at your morbid stupidity. That's what our troops died for.

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NOTE: Since this video75 went live on YouTube a few minutes ago, it's received two comments. The only "leech" is the person who made this video… why do you hate Sarah Palin so much ?..Good Bless Sarah Palin vinmano1 2 minutes ago

Obama has gotten us into ANOTHER WAR. Is Gitmo closed? NO. Are we OUT of Afghanistan? NO. Now we are in Libya for Obama's WW3. Hows that HOPE N CHANGE working out for ya? NWsubmom 1 minute ago

Look into what Queen Moochelle Obama spends on her designer duds, while the rest of America starves. If you are going to play the class warfare card, then be consistent instead of partisan. When Moochelle visited with Kate and William in the UK last week she had on a $2,000 dress on, while Kates dress was $200. Obama is giving Egypt and Pakistan BILLIONS, while our countries national debt continues to climb. 75

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Not only that but Obama got us into another WAY NWsubmom 4 minutes ago See? "Moochelle." Obviously, someone gets her marching orders from Limbaugh. And does being a "sub mom" mean you're a submissive mom, or that you dwell at a level somewhere beneath "mom" -- i.e., "sub human." I'll share more of these as I get 'em. These are just the very idiots who will throw their money at Sarah. Further Update: OOOH! NWSUBMOM is REALLY, REALLY MAD AT ME!!!

The only "leech" is the person who made this video.. why do you hate Sarah Palin so much ?..Good Bless Sarahďťż Palin vinmano1 33 minutes ago 2

@vinmano1 I couldn't agree more. This person sick to use Memorial Day as a political ploy. SICK. NWsubmom 28 minutes ago

@NWsubmom I agree! Sarah is SICK to use Memorial Day to get you morons to throw your money at her. The woman has no shame! bschmalfeldt 9 minutes ago

@bschmalfeldt IS ONE SICK BASTARD.

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Just in YOUR honor, if Sarah Palin runs, I will send her EXTRA money to help her dethrone KING OBAMA and QUEEN MICHELLE. I will send Sarah Palin all the money I can afford. Sarah Palin for President. NOBAMA 2012 NWsubmom 6 minutes ago

YOU ARE SCARED TO DEATH OF SARAH PALIN. PALIN MAKES LEFTIST LUGNUTS LIKE YOU GO CRAZY. AWESOME. LOVE IT! DOES YOUR HEAD SPIN COMPETELY AROUND TOO WHEN PALINS NAME IS MENTIONED? I BET IT DOES! XD NWsubmom 3 minutes ago

Even a far lefty like Dennis Kucinich thinks Obama should be IMPEACHED. DENIAL IS A RIVER IN EGYPT. LMAO. NWsubmom 5 minutes ago

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@bschmalfeldt I will repeat my original contention. You are a SICK, TWISTED, PERVERTED BASTARD. You should be ashamed, but people like you have NO SHAME.

Then she posted this on my YouTube Profile.

FAT HEAD. Or should I say NECK.

Seems I've hit a noive? Now, someone named PatriciaCookFind1 has asked, @billschmalfeldt WTF, asshole!

I suggested she watch the video again... slower this time, and if she still doesn't get it, I'll try explaining.

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40. Letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Play JOURNALIST!76

OK, kids. It's "Pretend Time!" This is where we all sit around in a circle and PRETEND to be something we're not. In today's "Pretend Time," we're going to pretend to be journalists in the CNN Newsroom. They play "Pretend Time" every day, too! THEY pretend to be JOURNALISTS! OK, as the one here with actual journalistic experience (30+ years in print/radio), I'll be the managing editor. I'll assign roles as we go along. Just read your part out loud and we'll PLAY together. Won't that be FUN! Let's begin! COPY BOY/GIRL: Jeepers, Chief! A story just crossed the wire and it might just be DYNAMITE! 76

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MANAGING EDITOR: Let's have a look. Hmmm. Seems as if Andrew Breitbart has posted a story on his blog indicating that Congressman Anthony Weiner... NEWSROOM STAFF: (hushed snickering) MANAGING EDITOR: OK, everyone. Grow up. (Back to reading)...anyway, Breitbart is saying that the congressman seems to have "tweeted" a photo of a bulge in his underwear to some young college girl. Hmmm... Breitbart. He's that guy that tried to ruin Shirley Sherrod's career, painting her as a racist by running a selectively-edited video. WOLF BLITZER: Yes. He may have... MAY have... a reputation for being a sleaze merchant. A sleaze merchant. DANA BASH: But don't you (blink) think that (blink) we ought to (blink) at least (blink) take a look (blink) at the evidence (blink) that Brietbart (blink) says he (blink) has? MANAGING EDITOR: How many times does a guy have to get caught lying before we tell ourselves, "Hmm.... maybe this guy is a liar"? WOLF: I would say, at least, six. CANDY CROWLEY: Heck, we gave Bush and HIS people a lot more bites at the apple than THAT! There's probably some former Bush aide on our air lying about something RIGHT NOW! MANAGING EDITOR: OK, let's see what we have. It's a screen cap of what purports to be Weiner's "YFrog" page. SANJAY GUPTA: Why frog? Why not chicken? Why not goose? MANAGING EDITOR: Knock it off, Chico. JOHN KING: Well, can't we just run the story anyway and say "Breitbart reports that Weiner sent a photo of his Weiner to a college girl?" We report press releases all the time as if they were real news. MANAGING EDITOR: I don't know. There just seems to be something a little stinky here. WOLF: That might be me. Tacos for lunch. 196

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MANAGING EDITOR: Let's hash this out a little further. Now, we know the Tweet was sent from Weiner's account to this college girl. Weiner claims his account was hacked. Anyone here know how to hack a Twitter account? (ALL HANDS GO UP) MANAGING EDITOR: S'what I thought. So do I. So, anyone can get a picture of some guy's underwear bulge, photoshop it to a screen cap from Weiner's YFrog account... GUPTA: Why not turkey? Why not fish? Why frog? MANAGING EDITOR: Enough outta you! Like I was saying, they could phony up something like that, hack into someone's Twitter account, send it to everyone on that person's list and then remove all traces of themselves from the account. KING: Easy as pie! CROWLEY: Mmmm! Pie! MANAGING EDITOR: OK, I think I see where we're going with this. We have a questionable photo, which the Daily Kos has already proven to be a forgery. We have a right wing nut job with a history of publishing falsified and misleading information about liberals as if it were God's own truth. We have a Congressman with an oddly-ironic last name. So, what do we do with this story? ALL: WE GIVE IT THE 24/7 FULL COVERAGE TREATMENT AND REPORT IT AS IF IT WERE TRUE, AND WE GIVE BREITBART FREE TV TIME TO COME ON AND LIE ABOUT IT, AND WE SEND REPORTERS TO HOUND WEINER AND QUESTION WHATEVER ANSWER HE GIVES UNTIL HE SNAPS! MANAGING EDITOR: THAT'S why you're the "Best Political Team on Television!" And... SCENE! GREAT JOB EVERYONE. AND WASN'T THAT FUN???

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41. The Midnight Ride of Sarah Palin77

It was bad enough when she botched up the history of Paul Revere earlier today... He who warned, uh, the â&#x20AC;Ś the British that they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms, uh, by ringin' those bells and, um, by makin' sure that as he's ridin' his horse through town to send those warnin' shots and bells that, uh, we were gonna be secure and we were gonna be free â&#x20AC;Ś and we were gonna be armed.78 It got even worse when Caribou Barbie gathered her kids, Bristol 77

Originally published June 3, 2011 on Technorat.com

http://latmesblogs.latmes.com/washington/2011/06/sarahpalin-claims-paul-revere-warned-the-britsh-that-they-werentgonna-be-takin-away-our-arms.html 198

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and Pistol and Stick and Twig and Spoon and told them, from memory, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow's famous poem, "The Midnight Ride of Paul Revereâ&#x20AC;?!

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NOW THAT’S AMERICANA!!!

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42. SARAHâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Rebuttal to Her History Critics79

I think it's high time that I, Sarah Palin, take back the Internets from those who would use it with their hashtags to mock me. Now, the big lie of the day is that I don't know history. SURE I do! You HAD to know history to graduate HIGH SCHOOL. And I think at least four of the colleges I went to before getting my bachelor's degree insisted on some kind of decent SAT score in history. But that was years ago. And that's what history is. A bunch of stuff that happened that I DO TOO know about! Everyone is laughing at me cuz I botched up a few of my many words describing Paul Revere's midnight ride to warn the British that Americans just weren't gonna have their GUNS taken from them anymore while ringing his bells and riding his horse of freedom. And now there's this whole thing on Twitter... malicious hastags of hate, like #AccordingToPalin and #PalinHistory and other ones I can't remember right now. 79

Originally published June 4, 2011 on Technorat.com 205

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Let me just set everyone straight here. I know all about the great history of America. Do you remember where you were the day when Martin Luther King led the negroes into Alabama? I do. Daddy's right testicle. I was safe there. And I remember crying like a little girl, which I was, when the illegal Mexican immigrant Senor Sirloin shot Bobby Kennedy. And then, days later, Martin Luther King committed suicide on a motel balcony in Louisiana. Coinkydink? I think not! Then, ten years later when man landed on the moon for the first time, I remember sitting in my front yard looking at the moon glowing brightly in the night sky and thinking, "That's the MOON!" And THAT'S just the RECENT historical stuff. I also remember how Betsy Ross carved George Washington's teeth from the cherry tree he cut down. How his first act as president was to throw a silver dollar across the Mississippi river, which he then had one of his many dark-skinned employees swim across to fetch for him. Several drowned, but Washington knew the value of a dollar back then. Which is why they named the nation's Capitol building after him and put a monument in it. When Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves, do you think that was something he did after reading the POLL RESULTS? Of course not. He just liked people with a dark skin tone, which is why all the negroes from Washington's plantation came to work on Lincoln's plantation after he retired from the presidency. And then he was murdered by a liberal Hollywood actor. Like no one saw THAT coming. When we marched off to war to defend Cuba from Nazi aggression in 1898, Teddy Roosevelt charged up San Francisco Hill, yelling CHARGE all the way. But he wasn't saying that gave us the right to build up a huge deficit by spending money we do not have. Instead, he would have us "Remember the Maine" or was it the "Arizona." Whatever boat the Nazis blew up at Pearl Harbor which was the greatest single attack on American soil until Barack Hussein Obama became president. 206

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So don't you try to lecture ME about history, you idiots in the Lamestream Media! I'm one smart Mama Grizzly who knows her facts, even when she sometimes has to make them up just so she'll have words coming out when her lips start moving. You are dismissed.

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43. Schmalfeldtâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Inferno!80 ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE!!!

Ignoring Dante's advice, I entered into the ninth circle of hell today. I posted a comment on Andrew Breitbart's "Big Government" website. Here's what I said. First of all, Andy, wouldn't it have been GRAND if Shirley Sherrod showed up during your little shirt-rending, pearl-clutching, "I'VE BEEN WRONGED!!!!!" soap opera appearance yesterday. Secondly... Anyone judging Weiner's behavior needs to ask him or herself several questions. 80

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1. Have you ever "pleasured yourself" in the absence of your spouse using porn or your imagination? SAME THING AS WEINER! GUILTY!!! 2. While having "relations" with your spouse, have you ever fantasized about someone else? SAME THING!!! GUILTY!!! 3. Have you ever lied to your spouse, your parents, your coworkers, your friends — to ANYONE — about ANYTHING of a sexual or embarrassing nature? SAME THING!!! GUILTY!!! We have troops in Afghanistan. We've just had 9 of the 10 hottest summers in recorded history, and this coming one seems like it's going to be a doozy. Corporate America continues to rape the middle class by sending jobs overseas and pocketing the savings. Supreme Court justices refuse to recuse themselves from cases in which they have a vested financial interest. The media is a willing participant in the selling out of the middle class to serve their corporate masters. But all they do is keep us divided, arguing amongst ourselves, unfocused on the IMPORTANT stuff with fluff like this. How does what Anthony Weiner did affect ANYONE, other than himself and his wife? Look in the mirror.  Well, the responses are STILL coming in!

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So, you can see how this is going. My original comments are just being outright ignored by people who really, really, REALLY want nothing less than Anthony Weiner's skin drying on the wall of the lodge.

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Another right wing moron using "Patriot" as his handle. You can always tell.

WHAT "Federal Criminal Allegations?" He said he was "hacked." That is not a Federal Criminal Allegation. But no one loves being a victim more than an outraged white conservative.

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There I go again, trying to use Christianity and the words of Jesus to prove to alleged Christians that they are being hypocritical. But they must read a different Bible than the rest of us.

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23 years? Ai yi yi! That might explain a few things. Anyhoo..

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This explains a lot. Breitbart's legions have FORGOTTEN that Breitbart ran a selectively-edited video of USDA employee Shirley Sherrod without fact-checking it first. The edited video made her look like a racist. The UNedited video showed how she overcame her own prejudice to give a white farmer the top-notch service they deserved. Breitbart left that part out, which is why Sherrod is suing 214

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him. I hope she gets every nickel he has. Finally...

So, there you go. A trip through the rings of hell that come from commenting on Andrew Breitbart's "Big Government" website. As you can see, these are not reasonable people looking for answers. They are red meat eaters, savaging a kill, ripping the meat from the bones. Jackals. Hyenas. Nobody addresses the three main points of my "casting the first stone" argument. (Except for the woman who hasn't had sex in 23 years...) And the comments are still coming in. But it's OK. I go there so you don't have to.

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44. THE MEDIA IS JUST DOING ITS JOB81

When I was a kid, we had three sources of TV news. Walter Cronkite on CBS, the Huntley Brinkley report on NBC, and Howard K. Smith on ABC. We had one local newspaper and two local radio stations. Now, you have three 24/7 news channels competing for your eyeballs. When Ronald Reagan came into office, local broadcasters were required by the Federal Communications Commission to prove before being licensed or re-licensed that they were "operating in the public service." That meant a broadcaster had to set aside a certain percentage of its air time each week for programming deemed "in the public interest." Also, if you devoted a half hour to conservative pundits, you had to devote a half hour to progressive pundits and a half hour to moderate pundits. One of the most evil things Ronald Reagan ever did was deregulate the broadcast industry. When he did that, the media was 81

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freed from the shackles of having to be "fair and balanced" in their news coverage. They quickly learned that conservative talk was where the money was. Conservatives LOVE to hear their fears and prejudices given voice by imposing-sounding voices on the radio and television. Moderates and liberals, not so much. We tend to know what we think about things without having to have our marching orders parroted to us by the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity. This is why the right wing is so dead set against reestablishment of the "Fairness Doctrine." If there's one thing conservatives DON'T want, it's fairness in the media. Broadcasters don't want it either. When Reagan deregulated the industry, he opened the doors for the major networks to sell their news to the highest bidder. News departments, which used to be carried financially by the network's entertainment advertising revenues, now had to tote their own load. They had to pay their own way. And how did they do it? They stopped airing the "news" â&#x20AC;&#x201D; the boring, day to day stuff about how government operates and why it's important that you know what this bill will actually do to your liberties, and what your tax dollars are being spent on. They started airing "infotainment." Oh, sure, they'd give you a glimpse at the actual headlines. But at first, the local news stations started hiring "fluff reporters." The cutesy blondes who would do the stories about kitties rescued from trees or little puppies pulled out of drain pipes. Once people began to swallow that, it was a natural step to the networks where actual news programs like those I mentioned at the outset were replaced in the long run by that which calls itself "broadcast news" in 2011. Can you imagine Walter Cronkite, Huntley and Brinkley or Howard K. Smith giving more than two minutes notice to a congressman accused of having inappropriate conversations via the internet? No actual cheating involved, mind you, just "cyber sex." Somewhere, Edward R. Murrow weeps for his profession.

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And now, CNN has taken that NEXT step. They actually have a "Choose the News" feature, where viewers get to vote on the story they want to see featured in the next half hour. The choices generally run like...

A. What a hike in capital gains taxes would mean to you.  B. Are the polar ice caps melting?  C. Lookit the cute kitty nursing from the mama doggie!

GUESS WHICH STORY GETS CHOSEN???

That's why the networks were purchased by corporations. Time Warner owns CNN. Comcast/Universal owns NBC and MSNBC. Viacom owns CBS. Rupert Murdoch's "News Corpse" owns Fox. And they are all LOATHE to run news that paints corporations in a bad light. Why do you think it was so easy for the Supreme Court to give the rights of actual PERSONS to corporations in the "Citizens United" case. Do you think for a MOMENT that the framers of the Constitution WANTED mega-billion dollar corporations, which operate in THEIR self interest, NOT the public interest, to have the same rights and influence as the individual voter? We have become government of the corporation, by the corporation and for the corporation. AND THEY DID IT WITH WIDE PUBLIC SUPPORT! By wrapping this dog turd in gold foil, putting a flag on it and selling it as a "Patriot Bar", they have FOOLED otherwise wellmeaning grownups into actually BELIEVING the corporations give a RAT'S ASS about them. "Duh, why would a corporation want to hurt us," they ask. "Duh, who would be left, duh, to buy their products, duh, if they poisoned the water or didn't inspect the meat or sold dangerous and impure products? Duh." 218

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Where they ALWAYS sell them. The same place the jobs have gone. FOREIGN MARKETS!!! And once the full weight of our own stupidity sets in, and we allow the GOP to starve the federal government out of existence, WE will get the same tainted baby formula, the same cheaply made steel, the same impure water and polluted air that are enjoyed in places like India. Is that what we want? To be INDIA??? Wake up. Demand better, of yourself and your media. Or stay asleep. IT'S UP TO YOU, AMERICA.

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45. A FAUX NEWS EXCLUSIVE: HUMAN MALE AROUSED BY NAKED PHOTOS OF WOMEN82

MEGYN KELLY: This just in to the Faux News Room, shocking details of a human male in New Jersey being aroused by sexy talk and photos. Let's go to Bill Hummer for details. Bill? HUMMER: Thank you Megyn. We've just received exclusive word here at Faux News that ANOTHER human male has been aroused by looking at photos of naked women and by having sexually-oriented conversations with them. KELLY: Didn't this guy learn his lesson from Anthony Weiner? HUMMER: Apparently not, Megyn. In fact, according to the man's wife, she was wondering what was taking him so long in the bathroom so she opened the door and saw him, and I quote, "pleasuring himself" to the images in Hustler Magazine. 82

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KELLY: Hustler? I've never heard of that one. Is it a clothing catalog of some sort. HUMMER: Shockingly, no, Megyn. It is a magazine filled with images of women, many of whom are wearing no clothing whatsoever and displaying their genitalia in a shockingly provocative fashion. KELLY: And when you say "pleasuring himself," Bill, what exactly are you talking about? HUMMER: Well, Megyn, one hesitates to say this out loud, but apparently, according to this man's wife, he was using one hand to hold the magazine and the other to manually arouse his own genitalia. KELLY: Sweet Bleeding Jesus! I think I'm going to be sick. HUMMER: It's not an easy story to hear or to tell, Megyn. KELLY: Do you have a NAME for this pervert? HUMMER: Yes, Kelly. His name is Elmer McDiddle. Turns out he's a teller at the Jerseyville Savings and Loan. KELLY: All right, Bill, we'll let you go to dig out more of the sordid, sickening details. Now we join Shepherd Smith at the offices of the Jerseyville Savings and Loan. SMITH: Thank you Megyn. I'm standing here with Paul O'Prudence, President of the Jerseyville Savings and Loan. Sir, you heard the report from the McDiddle house of perversion. Will you ask this man for his resignation. O'PRUDENCE: I should say not. I am firing him as of this moment. Who wants to do business with a man who (gulp!) TOUCHES himself... (gasp!) DOWN THERE!!! SMITH: An understandable reaction. O'PRUDENCE: Would YOU want to touch MONEY that he touched with his HAND? I mean (gag...) SMITH: The disgust of a nation is with you, sir. Back to you, Megyn. 221

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KELLY: Thanks, Shep. We've just seen the first results of our Fox News Poll asking the question "What should be done with criminals who touch themselves in provocative locations." Turns out most folks didn't understand the question, so we're going to reword it to, "How Many Years in Jail Should A Man Who Touches His Own Genitalia Get?" Now we join Greta Van Sustern, or is it Sustren? I can never remember. She is with the mayor of Jerseyville. GRETA: Thank you, Megyn. I'm thanding here with Herbert McPureheart, Mayor of thith thmall New Jersy town. Mither Mayor, will you be evicting thith horrible fiend from your town. McPURE: Assuredly, Greta. As soon as we can round up the requisite amount of tar, feathers and a good, strong rail. GRETA: What are your firth thoughtth about a human male touching hith own genitalia while looking at pickthureth of naked women? McPURE: Have we learned NOTHING from the Anthony Weiner debacle? Touching yourself (gulp) down there (gasp) is a sin of the most disgusting nature. I've never done it, neither has any other decent human male I'm aware of. GRETA: I thould thertainly hope not. Back to you, Megyn. KELLY: This just in to the Faux Newsroom. The McDiddle House of Self Abuse has been set afire by outraged neighbors. The toucher of his own genitalia having been dragged from the house and shot to death in his own front yard. So horrible the crime, so swift and just the punishment. Let's check that Faux News Poll again and see that 98 percent of Faux viewers feel that Jail is too GOOD for a lewd and disgusting pervert like McDiddle and his house should be set afire and he should be shot in front of his burning house. His wife should be shunned and branded with a letter A on her forehead. I'm joined now by Faux News Analyst Sarah Palin. Sarah, your take on this disgusting, inhuman act of self-degradation? PALIN: Well, Megyn, you can betcha that if I ever caught one of MY sons, Tripp or Stick or Melon or Fence touching himself like that we'd whup a little of the old Alaska Sharia Law on him cuz like it says in the Bible, if thy right hand offends me, I shall cut it off and cast it into the flames because it's better that your whole body be burned that lest you self-defile it in such a dirty, dirty way. And don't you know that none of my boys, God love 'em, has ever shown even 222

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the SLIGHTEST interest in women? I couldn't be more proud of them as they march off to bed at night with their body builder magazines and bottles of lotion which I assume they're using to give each other rubdowns after working out to get the kinds of muscles those muscle guys in those muscle magazines there have because that's the sort of thing the ladies like. KELLY: Thank you, Sarah. For those of you just joining us, a New Jersey man has been drawn and quartered in front of his own home, which still burns after he was found by his wife touching himself (gasp) DOWN THERE (gulp) in a sexually aroused fashion after looking at images of naked women in a magazine. More on this disgusting, dehumanizing story when it comes in. Now, here's Bill O'Reilly to talk about his own brush with sex stuff. Bill?

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46. Alabammy Shows Them Fellers in Georgia How to DO Racial Profiling!83

Oh, sho 'nuff! Them sun baked fellers what they got over thar in Arizona made a good START at it with their SB1070 what makes it an illegal offense to look like a Mexican. But when it comes to good ol' fashioned separatin' the brown rice from the white rice, you can't beat the political minds of Alabammy! Why lookee here. They all went and passed them a new law what not only says the cops gotta check immigration status on people what gets pulled over for drivin' while brown... they done took it a step further! Accordin' to this here newsypaper story, lookit what we gone and did! The American Civil Liberties Union declared its intention 83

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Thursday to file a lawsuit opposing the law, arguing that it would invite racial profiling and require police to "demand 'papers' from people they stop whom they suspect are not authorized to be in the U.S." "This draconian initiative signed into law this morning by Gov. Robert Bentley is so oppressive that even Bull Connor himself would be impressed," said Wade Henderson, head of the Leadership Conference on Civil and Human Rights, referring to Birmingham's notorious segregationist public safety commissioner from the civil rights era. "HB56 is designed to do nothing more than terrorize the state's Latino community." 84 Hell, boy! Not just LATINOS! Nee-grews! Mooslims! Libruhls! ANYbody what cain't prove he's a natural borned AMERICAN can git tossed into the hoosegow until they PROVES they was borned in the Yewnited States! LOOKEE HERE! The measure will require public schools to determine the immigration status of students â&#x20AC;&#x201D; an aspect not covered in an Arizona law that has been at the forefront as several U.S. states seek to crack down on illegal immigrants. Under the Alabama law, police must detain someone they suspect of being in the country illegally if the person cannot produce proper documentation when stopped for any reason. It also will be a crime to knowingly transport or harbor someone who is in the country illegally. The law imposes penalties on businesses that knowingly employ someone without legal resident status. A company's business license could be suspended or revoked.85 Now, say yer illegal Mexican neighbor wants you to give him a ride down to the welfare office to get his check? YOU CAIN'T DO IT! It's AGIN' the LAW for yew to give him a ride! Now, I ain't sure if that applies to bus drivers or not. But just to be safe, I would tell bus drivers not to let any o' them brown-skinned critters on the 84

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/artcle.cgi? f=/c/a/2011/06/09/MNRT1JS22D.DTL 85

http://www.reuters.com/artcle/2011/06/09/usa-immigratonalabama-idUSN0911157920110609 225

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bus less'n they can shows a birth certificate â&#x20AC;&#x201D; and a long form one, none o' them "certiffykits of live birth" like what the Muslim Obammer got away with fer so long! It's about time we got tough on them brown-skinned devils what been usin' up our emergency rooms and havin' their illegal anchor babies and such. Usin' our schools to eddykate their little brown young-uns? THAT's gonna stop. And just look at all the JOBS what will be available now. "...Gene Armstrong, mayor of Allgood, Alabama, a small community where the Hispanic population has grown to almost 50 percent, is not worried. "We managed in the past without illegal immigrants to pick the tomatoes here, and I haven't heard anyone say that if we sent them all home nobody would be left to do that work," Armstrong said. Yessirree! Them highly desirable 'mater pickin' jobs will be available to DECENT folk once again. And if we cain't find enough folks what is willin' to pick 'em and git paid fer it, we always got the right to secede from the Union and, instead of deportin' them brownskinned bastards, puttin' 'em to work for FREE like in the good old days! My great, great, great grandpappy didn't come alla way over here from England to kill off all the injuns just so's a bunch of brown-skilled savages can come back in and enjoy the fruits of liberty killin' them injuns gave us. No sir So thankee, Gubberner Bently! Come Sept. 1, me and Cooter and Spits and JimBob and Bobby Lee will load up the pick-em-up truck and start huntin' fer brown-skinned devils. And they goshdurned WELL better have their papers! â&#x20AC;¨Yee-haw!

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47. The Recent Conservative Swooning Over Sarah Palin’s “E-Mail from God” Proves TONS of People Bought Her Book and Never Bothered to READ It!!86

Now, I have no problem with Andrew Malcom who writes the "Top of the Ticket" column for the LA Times. He follows me on Twitter and I follow him. And it was THROUGH his column that I learned about the collective orgasm sweeping like a gooey wave through the conservative moron community about the unintended consequences of the Sarah Palin E-mail Dump. 86

Originally published June 13, 2011 on Technorat.com 227

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Andrew wrote... Among some 13,000 messages was an unexpected, revealing and touching email from Palin to friends and family. It was initially written, obviously not for publication, in April of 2008 just a few days before.... ...the arrival of her fifth child, Trig, who was born with Down syndrome. In her email Palin imagines a letter from God to the family about to launch on its challenging child-rearing experience together.87 I'll spare you the entire letter, save to show you how it begins. To the Sisters, Brother, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and Friends of Trig Paxson Van Palin (or whatever you end up naming him!): I am blessing you with this surprise baby because I only want the best for you. I've heard your prayers that this baby will be happy and healthy, and I've answered them because I only want the best for you! I heard your heart when you hinted that another boy would fit best in the Palin family, to round it out and complete that starting five line-up. Now, not that I think Sarah's a liar or that most of her supporters are dumbasses or anything like that, but when I run across a piece of copy that seems unlikely to have been written by the person who claims to have written it, I use this obscure Internet device to check on it. It's called "Google." Where Andrew writes it was obviously unintended for publication? THEN WHY IS IT ON PAGE 261-264 OF HER BESTSELLING BOOK "GOING ROGUE?" 87

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Could it POSSIBLY be TRUE that SO MANY OF YOU IDIOTS BOUGHT THE BOOK and either DIDN'T READ IT or FORGOT SUCH A POIGNANT LETTER "from" the mother of a soon to be born Down Syndrome Baby? A quick scan of the conservative blogs shows how everyone is all weepy eyed over this today. Liberty Juice wrote this...  As usual, this woman who we are constantly told is “irrelevant” by the mainstream media, continues to be followed, stalked and hounded by same said media and is being revealed in a new way this week. The media got their hands on over 24,000 emails from Alaska in desperate and excited hopes that they could use it to continue the Palin- bashing. However, one poignant email has been revealed that shows a very different side of Palin.88 IT WAS IN HER BOOK, MORON!!! The Palin Express wrote THIS: If you’re a parent as I am and are reading this (if you haven’t done so already) this email from Sarah about Trig’s arrival will put things into perspective and think back when our journeys started; what the future we always hope for our kids and God and Jesus’ involvement along the way. Some parents have it easier than others; some don’t want to be parents at all so they have no feelings whatsoever and go to abortion clinics where murder awaits another of Jesus’ precious gift to the world. In the meantime, so many women long and envy the privilege of being able to conceive. Well, from Governor Sarah Palin to her family and friends, here’s a heart-moving email:89 MORON! IT WAS IN HER BOOK! PAGE 261-264. DID YOU 88

http://www.libertyjuice.com/2011/06/13/sarah-palins-letter-toher-family-revealing-her-down-syndrome-baby/ 89

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BUY AND THEN READ THE BOOK??? The Criminally Idiotic Website "Free Republic" wrote this... Beautiful woman inside and out... Sarah Palin imagined God talking to her in a deeply touching email she wrote two weeks before her fifth child, Trig, was born with Down's Syndrome. The poignant message was sent to family and friends...90 AND THEN SHE PUBLISHED IT IN HER 2009 BOOK!!! Kathryn Jean Lopez was CLOSE to the truth in her column in the National Review Online today... She wrote about the e-mail in Rogue and it showed up in Fridayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s e-mails release.91 She didn't just write ABOUT the e-mail, Kathryn. She PRINTED IT! ON PAGES 261-264! The WHOLE E-Mail!!! In all, a Google search of some of the key phrases shows that THOUSANDS of CONSERVATIVE TEABAGGER MORON WEBSITES are acting like this little bit of treacle HAS JUST BEEN REVEALED!!! Actually, the only thing revealed is... 1. Sarah has no qualms about using her baby to promote herself... 2. Lots of people bought the book but couldn't get past the first few pages. Take your pick.

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/2734164/posts

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48. Caribou Barbie’s Actual E-Mail from GOD (I Was CC’ed!)92

The conservative media and blogosphere is taking a long hot shower this morning after their weekend of virtual orgasmic bliss over how Caribou Barbie apparently TURNED THE TABLES on the "Lamestream Media" in their DASTARDLY ATTACK on her by DEMANDING that which was THEIRS to DEMAND, that is, the public records known as Sarah Palin's official e-mails while serving as semi-Governor of Alaska. Sarah was only too HAPPY to comply, knowing that she had NOTHING TO HIDE and the only reason she took three years to comply with the freedom of information request is to MAKE SURE they looked under every desk drawer and every cabinet to ENSURE they were fully complying with the order. And lo, the Right Wing Nut Job Blogosphere seized on ONE e92

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mail in particular as proof of Caribou Barbie's pure saintliness. It's known in legend as "Sarah's E-mail from God" and you can read it in its entirety on any one of thousands of RWNJ blogs where they wipe a tear from their eyes and wonder why we're not marching on Washington RIGHT NOW to install this WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL WOMAN as our PRESIDENT. Or QUEEN! Or EMPRESS!!! What is missed in all of this, as I wrote yesterday, is that this previously never seen bit of fluffery, which LA Times Columnist Andrew Malcom wrote was "obviously never meant for publication" WAS previously published. By Sarah Palin. In her book, "Going Rogue." On pages 261-264. But still, this FACT goes unnoticed by the RWNJ writ large. For one thing, when you try to post a reply on their websites INFORMING them of this fact, they delete the reply. They continue to believe this LIE, that the media went digging through what they thought would be moose poop looking for things to DESTROY Sarah with... but all they found was this beautiful letter from a mother about to give birth to a developmentally disabled son. An email she sent to everyone on her e-mail list to make sure EVERYONE knew the great and â&#x20AC;&#x201D; to a lesser person â&#x20AC;&#x201D; INSURMOUNTABLE challenge that would be facing her and Todd. So, when I went to bed last night, I asked God to help me find SOME way to let the RWNJs KNOW that all this "newly discovered e-mail" proves is two things... 1. Sarah Palin is all too happy to use her developmentally disabled child as a political prop to further her ambitions. And... 2. A lot of morons bought "Going Rogue" and either didn't READ it, or FORGOT this terribly, terribly tear-wrenching little note one of Sarah's speech writers wrote for her. I slept fitfully. But when I awoke, I noticed a eerie, almost halolike glow on my computer monitor. Putting on my glasses, I rubbed my eyes. I should have done that in reverse order, but I was so amazed by what I was seeing. 232

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I opened my e-mail account... AND THERE IT WAS!!! AN E-MAIL! FROM GOD! TO SARAH PALIN!!! WITH ME in the CC FIELD! I think God CC'd me so I could share His message with you. So here goes. --TO: SARAH PALIN  FROM: Yahweh (Jehovah) (God) CC: Bill Schmalfeldt Subject: STOP BLAMING ME FOR TRIG!!! Sarah, enough is enough. I was willing to let this whole thing slip when you first sent the e-mail to everyone on your e-mail list. I was mildly disgusted when you published it in your book. But now that so many of the idiots who have bought into your line of garbage believe that this "jewel of wisdom" was only recently discovered in your e-mail dump over the weekend, well I can no longer conceal My mighty wrath. STOP BLAMING ME FOR TRIG!!! Just what in My Eternal Name do you think I DO for a living Sarah? Decide WHO gets WHICH baby? Can you PICTURE that? Me sitting in My "Decision Chair" doling out babies? "Crack baby for the Andersons in Detroit. Healthy baby for the Clemmonses in Pascagoula. A Down syndrome baby for the Palins in Alaska." THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS, SARAH??? WHAT KIND OF MONSTER DO YOU THINK I AM??? "Oh ho! This family seems to think that their life is going pretty well! ZAP! Handicapped baby! That'll show 'em who's God!" I HAVE AN ENTIRE UNIVERSE TO RUN HERE, CHILD! 233

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There are more planets with populations more and less advanced than yours than there are grains of sand on all the beaches of all the seas on your small-to-medium sized planet! And they ALL call to ME, Sarah! They use different names, of course, but that's how I tell them apart. Now I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, for you are My daughter and I love you as much as I love all the creatures on your planet and the countless billions of other planets that I keep track of. But you know who to blame for Trig? When you and Todd were doing the Funky Monkey 40 weeks before Trig was born, one of you had a faulty egg or sperm. (Of course, I know which it was, but unlike SOME people, I'm not ABOUT casting blame here). You gave your baby an extra chromosome. Now, I know simple people might think "more is better." But not with chromosomes. There's a reason you get the number you get in the combinations they come in. Down syndrome, trisomy 21, is a chromosomal condition caused by the presence of all or part of an extra 21st chromosome. AND IT IS MORE COMMON IN OLDER FOLKS WHEN THEY IGNORE THE GOOD ADVICE OF THEIR DOCTORS AND HAVE CHILDREN IN THE MIDDLE TO LATE 40s!!! But hey, that's just SCIENCE, right Sarah? So now that we've established that I did not "bless" you with "Trig" any more than I blessed New Orleans with the hurricane or blessed New York City by sending airplanes crashing into the World Trade Center, let's discuss a few other things. Your lack of understanding of My nature, for instance. You claim to know My mind, what I want you to do, what I want EVERYONE to do. NONSENSE! You were given "free will." That means you do what you gotta! You as a mortal human being are no more capable of understanding the infinite mind of Yahweh than a dog is capable of understanding why his master can't make the rain stop falling. YOU people invented ME in YOUR IMAGE!!! You gave Me the same FAULTS you have... jealousy, rage, anger, vindictiveness. You made Me out to be some sort of stone cold killer, smiting My enemies, dashing their babies against tree trunks. 234

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AGAIN, WHAT KIND OF MONSTER DO YOU THINK I AM? And WHY would you LOVE a God who would do that to you? Is that LOVE? Or is that COWARDICE? You can beat a dog to death, and as the dog lies dying, it will lick the hand of the person who killed it. IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK I AM??? Now, since I know YOU won't send this out to your followers (which is why I cc'd someone who will), a WORD to the people who see you as some sort of modern-day Oracle of Delphi! (Look it up.) THAT THING ON TOP OF YOUR SHOULDERS, PEOPLE? Your HEAD? I PUT A BRAIN IN THERE! Learn how to USE it. Learn how to THINK CRITICALLY! Learn how to get the most out of your limited intellectual abilities! You'll never understand EVERYTHING, but the MORE you understand about that which you are ABLE to understand, the happier you will be, the better you will treat other people. And everyone will be happy! And that's all I want, Sarah. Be happy. Quit trying to be something you clearly are not. Some folks were meant to be statesmen, others were meant to be ignored. You humans often have trouble telling the difference. You should have ignored Hitler. You should have listened to Gandhi. You should have ignored Jim Jones. You should have listened to Nelson Mandela. And hon, I think humanity will be best served if they just ignore YOU from now on. Be well... And quit blaming ME for your problems. Yahweh (Jehovah) (God)

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49. I Accidentally Drugged, Smothered, then Drowned My Baby and Ditched It In the Woods, Went Partying for 30 Days and Never Told a Soul. Forgive Me?93 BE WARNED. THIS IS A PARTICULARLY DARK BIT OF SATIRE. IT CAUSED SEVERAL PEOPLE TO “UNFRIEND” ME ON FACEBOOK AND TWITTER. IF THIS SORT OF THING UPSETS YOU, MOVE ON TO THE NEXT CHAPTER. IF YOU READ THIS AFTER SEEING THIS WARNING AND ARE UPSET, THEN IT’S YOUR FAULT… NOT MINE!

I'm glad I don't live in Florida. I would hate to have to sit on the jury judging Casey Anthony. For one thing, I would probably have to ask the judge to recuse me. You see... I have this secret I've been keeping from my new friends and family here in Maryland. I, also, have drugged, drowned, smothered and left a baby to be eaten by raccoons in the woods, went partying, and never bothered to tell anybody about it until people started asking, "Hey, didn't you have a kid?" So I can sympathize with her. 93

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Of course, my case bears no similarity whatsoever to what happened to poor little Caylee. My baby was a boy... Kevin Lee, or K. Lee for short. This all happened years ago in North Dakota, and I've since been acquitted by a jury of my peers. (Took 'em awhile to find 12 chubby, bald-headed Democrats in North Dakota, not to mention the 4 alternates.) What happened was this. K. Lee was a pain in my ass. The little bastard was a 24/7 crying, screaming poop machine. I could tell by the time he was two that K. Lee was destined to be the Anti-Christ, so with the Lord as my guide, I drugged the little asshole, threw him in the swimming pool (it was my neighbor's pool, and he was throwing one of his legendary poolside pig roasts at the time, so nobody noticed one more body floating face down in the pool), then after everyone else went home, I took the little bastard out of the pool, drove to a thick patch of woods (I drove for hours looking for the proper place... imagine my surprise when I realized they found his little bones 5 minutes walking distance from my house)... and dumped him like a bag of trash. To make sure his soul couldn't escape his body and be reincarnated into my NEXT child, I put duct tape over his nose and mouth... as well as other places. Then, it was Old Settlers Days, a pretty big party time in my neck of the woods, so the next several weeks were a blur. I'm told there were pictures taken of me in lewd, suggestive positions none of which revealed my secret anguish of having thrown K. Lee into the woods like a bag of old beer cans. (Which is the tradition in North Dakota.) Then, about a month later, I was waking up from a beer and Jim Beam fueled blackout on the steps of the county courthouse. One of the cops came out and laughed, then a look came over his face. "Hey, dinchoo useta have a kid, hey?" I said yeah, and then the cop asked who was watching the kid and I said nobody cuz I was a widower (they STILL ain't found HER body and since there ain't no statute of limitations on murder, no matter HOW much she deserved it, that's all I'm gonna say on that). Then they wanted to SEE the baby, and I said "Not without a 237

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warrant!" And they had a warrant in 3 minutes so I had to let them in my house. They dug through a baby's bedroom filled with filthy diapers. "Cripes," I said (in the traditional North Dakota fashion), "that many dirty diapers, you'd figger there's gotta be a baby in there SOMEWHERE!" The cops didn't buy it, of course, and then some of the neighbors started gossiping about how I was seen throwing K. Lee into the pool at the pig roast. "He wanted to go swimming," I said. "Then why did he go straight to the bottom of the pool and stay there for an hour before he started to float?" the cops asked. I told them that I was barely a high school graduate so the ways of floating babies were foreign to me. That's when one of the cops hit me over the head with a stick and I woke up three days later chained to a wall in the county jail. Turns out some of the other neighbors saw me come back, fish the little bastard out of the pool, put the duct tape over his face, dump him into a hefty bag, then sling the whole package into the trunk of my car. The trial was a joke. I had perfectly reasonable answers to all the prosecution witnesses. Like when the UPS guy took the stand and identified me as the guy he delivered the chloroform to? "Is that they guy," the DA asked. "Yep," he said in the traditional North Dakota fashion. "I told him what it was and he just said 'Gimme!' and slammed the door." And that's what saved me. Turns out I didn't SIGN for the chloroform. The UPS guy faked my signature. (Everybody knows everybody in North Dakota.) And without the chloroform in evidence to prove that I had drugged the little bastard, they had no foundation to prove that I knew the kid was unconscious when I tossed his little ass into the pool. And I was able to argue that when I came back after the pig roast and found him floating, I fished him out the best I could, duct-taped his mouth shut to keep the night air out of his lungs (they still think the night air is BAD for you in North Dakota), and tossed him into the bag and then into the trunk for the 35-mile drive to the nearest hospital in Bismarck. That's how I explained getting lost, and dumping the little bastard in the woods. "I told him I was gonna go find the hospital, and then come back for him," I said. "But I couldn't find a hospital so after awhile I just kinda gave up on the whole idea."

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As far as the month of getting drunk and lewd behavior? I was stupid with grief. Turns out they nailed the UPS guy for the murder. And I moved to Maryland. Not Florida. Which makes me happy, cuz I would NEVER be able to serve on the Casey Anthony jury.

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50. If I Call You "Stupid," Accept it in the Spirit it was Offered94

Let's clear something up. If I tell you, "You're stupid," it isn't ALWAYS meant to be an insult. Usually, I mean it as a simple observation of what I perceive to be your mental abilities. Nothing more. For instance... When you look at me with your bright blue eyes glimmering with sincerity and tell me God created the World in Seven Days and that was 6,000 years ago, please don't be offended when I tell you "You're Stupid." No matter what one thinks about Darwin's theory, it is CLEAR that this tired old planet is billions of years old and that it has only had humans on it for, at the most, 400,000 years. All the intelligent design books and arguments use "facts" that are twisted and contorted to fit the religiofascist POV. Now, this doesn't prove that there IS no God. In fact, who the hell are WE to tell GOD how HE created the universe? So, if you believe God created the Earth in 7 days 6,000 years ago, you're stupid. Don't take it personally. And while we're on the subject of religion, let's all take a minute to remember the last time a religious prophecy came true in the modern era. 94

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Anybody? Anybody? Beuller? Beuller? Now, when you defend Sarah Palin and say that she'd be a great president and she's just what this country needs and you go so far as to attempt to change the Wikipedia entry on Paul Revere's ride to coincide with Caribou Barbie's panicked word salad... You're Stupid. I mean, Jesus! Just LOOK at the woman. She got bored halfway through her term as governor. What do you think she'll do when the going gets tough in her presidency? Suddenly turn SMART? The woman is an idiot, and if you support her -- you are stupid. And if you agree that humans have had no influence whatsoever on climate change... you are stupid. Every bit of scientific evidence... that is, evidence supported by scientists NOT in the pocket of the oil industry... says that the Earth's climate is changing and that change can be correlated year for year with the amount of greehouse gasses being pumped into the atmosphere. It is a scientific FACT, neither liberal nor conservative. Just FACT. But if you choose to listen to Rush and Glenn and Sean who get MONEY IN THEIR POCKETS from the fossil fuel industries to LIE to you about climate change... you're stupid. In fact, if you listen to Rush and Glenn and Sean about ANYTHING, you're stupid. "Mama always said stupid is as stupid does." All I know is that, unless you are learning disabled, you have a choice here. You don't HAVE to be stupid. You may not be able to become SMART in the commonly-accepted sense of the world, but you don't have to be led around by the nose by these people stuffing their pockets while serving their corporate industrialist masters. THEY know they are lying. THEIR MASTERS know they are lying. And they know that STUPID people will continue to BELIEVE their lies! That's why we have Fox News! So there's a centralized place for stupid people to get their "news" from their corporate masters so they know where to go and when to line up to be fleeced. Even the STUPIDEST person has the opportunity to UNSTUPID him or herself. You just have to be willing to put in the

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time and effort to do it. Stupidity is 90 percent laziness. The Right Wingers pander to what you think you know about the world, your fears are justified, your prejudices are justified, but DON'T WORRY! THEY will take care of EVERYTHING! You just keep your eye on "So You Think You Can Dance" and "Master Chef," and let US figger out all that HARD stuff for you. Stupid people say stupid things like, "Duh! If Fox News is so BAD, Duh, howcum so many people WATCH it howcum, Duh?" The answer? There's LOTS of STUPID, LAZY PEOPLE in America! And YOU'RE ONE OF THEM. Stupid people are the ones who live in fear of the negro down the street, the Mexican coming to get their jobs and stab them, the Arabs and their Mooslimness which doesn't believe JESUS is lord and who should all be rounded up and monitored because America is a Judeo-Christian nation, although not so much emphasis on the former. Smart politicians get ELECTED by catering to you stupid people. They pretend Pepe and Pablo are coming to get your "termater pickin'" jobs. And you want to build fences. They pretend "The New Black Panthers" want to "kill Whitey" and you don't look at that guy in your office through the same eyes any more. Is HE one of THEM? They pretend that the MOOSLIMS are all bloodthirsty FANATICS who can HARDLY WAIT to sip cocktails laced with the blood of unborn Christians. If you believe these things, it is not an insult when I tell you... YOU are STUPID! If we could TAX stupid, we could wipe out the deficit overnight. If "Stupid" were PAINFUL, the NIH would be FLOODED with money from stupid people, the ones who think scientists "is all just interleckshul eggheads", to find a CURE for this agony-inducing ignorance. But you can't tax stupid. Stupid isn't painful. In fact, stupid people seem quite self-satisfied with their stupidity. When they consider a presidential candidate, they ask themselves, "Which one 242

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of these goomers would I like to have over for a beer?" That's the standard they apply. That's the standard Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin and Herman Cain and Rick Santorum hope you will use to judge who should be the GOP nominee. The SMART ones like Romney and Pawlenty and Huntsman and Gingrich will have to PRETEND to be stupid -- just like you -- to get you to TRUST them. So, sleep well in your stupid little beds tonight. Don't trouble your stupid little brains with the deficit or the debt ceiling or climate change or unemployment or Medicare or ANYTHING that makes your headbone ACHE when you think about it. Your masters LIKE IT when you're stupid. Limbaugh, Hannity, Beck, where would they BE WITHOUT your stupidity? And when the day comes that we have to evacuate the cities because of the massive floods caused by climate change, it will be the stupid people who clog the tunnels and bridges and subway tubes and highways with their stupid corpses. And eons from now, when an alien society examines our remains, they will write our epitaph. "There were sentient creatures here, once. But holy Flork, what a bunch of DUMBASSES!"

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51. DOOM IS UPON US! IT APPROACHES E'EN NOW!!!95 You STUPID, STUPID PEOPLE and your STUPID, PETTY POLITICS! Don't you know? YOU ARE DOOMED! We are ALL DOOMED! There won't BE a 2012 Presidential Election! There won't BE a 2012!!! WE ARE ALL GOING TO BE DEAD SOON!!! I HEAR YOU SCOFFING OUT THERE! I am not the doomsayer, you scoffing scoffers who scoff! HEED NOW, THE PROOF!!! CHASE KYLA HUNTER has been WARNING US! And SHE, according to her Twitter Profile, is a "Spirit Led Cherokee writer, news blogger. Genetic Clairvoyant. Jesus lover Bible Urantia. Nature mama. True blue conservative. Sun surf wine women & song :-)" YOU probably don't even know what "Urantia" MEANS! NEITHER DID I! Until I LOOKED! I LOOKED and I SAW!!!

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The authors introduce the word "Urantia" as the name of the planet Earth and state that their intent is to "present enlarged

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concepts and advanced truth" in an "endeavor to expand cosmic consciousness and enhance spiritual perception." Among other topics, the book expounds on the origin and meaning of life, humankind's place in the universe, the relationship between God and people, and the life of Jesus.96 SEE? SEE? SEE? Where was I? DOOMED, THAT'S WHERE I WAS! THAT IS WHERE WE ALL ARE!!! CHASE KYLA HUNTER (@Altnewsforum) FORETELLS THE DOOM in TODAY'S BLOGGING on the ALTNEWS FORUM! And how can you DOUBT a web newspaper that has in its mashead... Alternative News Report97 The #1 Alternative News Forum | Top Citizen Journalism | Blacklisted News | Opinion Commentary | Earth Changes | HAARP Reports | 2012 Elections | We The People USA Patriot News | Emergency Preparedness Urban Wilderness Survival | News & Essays By Cherokee Shaman Chase Kyla Hunter SHE'S A SHAMAN, PEOPLE!!! Now, she's placed the following copyright notice on today's blog entry... Copyright 2011-3011 Alternative News Report, All Rights Reserved.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Uranta_Book

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So I guess she figgers HER laws supersede the US Copyright Law which limits the term of a copyright to her lifetime plus 70 years. Still, these are words that need to be shared! WE NEED TO GET THE FUCK OFF OF THE EAST COAST! RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!!! TRUCKERS ARE REPORTING SOME STRANGE SHIT, PEOPLE! TRUCKERS! THEY KNOW!!! THEY SEE!!! STRANGE SHIT!!!98 Messages overheard by truckers traveling interstate included FEMA‘s repetition of the phrase: “Prepare for a catastrophic event.” If this is just a joint FEMA / military exercise, or some sort of mass Psy Op, then they are going to an awful lot of trouble to transport massive tons of military equipment from state to state. Now, having BEEN a Trucker for five years of my life, I have no way of knowing HOW truckers are overhearing FEMA broadcasts on their CBs... maybe it's NOT the CBs. Maybe it's TELEPATHY! You see, the MILITARY is PLAYING GAMES with us! Noon, Summer Solstice update: US military exercise “Operation Mailed Fist” is now taking place on the east coast. Can you feel the DOOM YET??? TRUCKERS ARE REPORTING LARGE AMOUNTS OF MILITARY TRAFFIC ON THE HIGHWAYS OF THE EAST COAST... Of course, I recall that when I was a Navy Corpsman with the US Marines in the summer of 1975, we had our yearly "Operation Solid Shield" which mobilized pretty much every military unit on the east coast, which — indeed — caused a lot of traffic on the highways. But that was during more logical times! THIS, MY FRIEND, IS A CONSPIRACY!!! AND SHE KNOWS IT! SHE KNOWS IT IN HER SOUL!!! 98

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"For months I have experienced an inexplicable clairvoyant “anxiety,” a sense of imminent national danger, unexpressed and unidentified. I have also spent months blogging my tail off, ignoring it when I could, and trying to shake it off." YOU CAN'T SHAKE OFF DOOM! Especially with all the HUGE CRACKS appearing in the Earth's surface!! In the FUTURE!!! Oh God, oh Christ, oh Christ, oh God! WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS!!! EVACUATE! EVACUATE! EVACUATE! Not just your BOWELS!!! YOUR HOMES!!! THIS update is so CURRENT, it was POSTED TOMORROW!!! Enormous Cracks In The Earth Are Appearing Globally: International News Blackout 99 Posted on June 22, 2011 by CK Hunter| Leave a comment The cracks are appearing because our earth is under incredible strain from the pull of gravity from an approaching celestial object. This tug on the planet’s equilibrium is also causing earthquakes, floods, severe weather and wild fluctuations in the earth’s magnetic field. What’s not happening naturally is now being helped along by the evil death rays of HAARP technology, as mad scientists in DARPA and the US military try to play God, tinkering with weather 99

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patterns, making tornadoes appear where they usually do not, blasting the earthâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s ionosphere with levels of electrical activity it was never intended to endure. SHIT!!! SHIT!!! SHIT!!! AND THE MEDIA STILL WANTS TO TALK ABOUT ANTHONY WEINER'S... WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE!!!! What if ANTHONY WEINER'S PENIS IS THE HUGE CELESTIAL OBJECT THAT IS TEARING THE EARTH APART? Oh God, Oh Christ, Oh Christ, Oh God... I have stumbled onto a COSMIC TRUTH here people. I feel by posting this, I am signing my own death warrant. But don't let MY death stop YOU, Gentle Reader! There are too MANY of you for THEM to stop with their media blackouts and dwarf stars and incredibly large penises. SPREAD THE WORD! SPREAD THE WORD! SPRE.... ad the word that the author of this column, and that is the person who I am, was just having a little fun at your expense. Ha. Fun is fun. And me, the guy who I am, likes fun more than many peoples. Forget what you read here. Just forget it. End communication.

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52. I Like Jon Huntsman. Therefore, He Is Doomed! 100

I like Jon Huntsman. I don't agree with everything he stands for, but he seems like a decent guy. He seems intelligent. He's the only Republican candidate so far not up to the eyebrows in shit. And if he were to defeat President Obama, I think the country would be well served by his Presidency. Therefore, he is doomed. No way does Jon Huntsman become the standard bearer for the GOP. Y'see, Jon Huntsman says things like this... “The question each of us wants the voters to answer is who will be the better president, not who’s the better American,” Mr. Huntsman said. 100

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And the Republican BASE, the people who will DECIDE who the GOP nominee is, say things like THIS!!!

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(h/ t Vile Tweets)101 Oh, these AREN'T the Republican Base? Do you think RUSH LIMBAUGH speaks for the Republican Base?102 Limbaugh compared, using clips, Huntsman's speech and Reagan's. Huntsman spoke about ushering in an era of "civility" in campaigns and acknowledging his respect for the president. 101

http://viletweets.com/

102

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At the time in 1980, Reagan blasted Carter. Limbaugh also called Huntsman “the former ambassador to the ChiComs for Obama." Here are Politco's excerpts of the radio show host's comments: "The Republican Party is still convinced that in order to secure the support of independents, that they have to be boring. They have to be serious and Milquetoast and cannot be confrontational, cannot be partisan, cannot go into attack mode. Somehow this is going to cause the independents to get nervous and send them running right back to Obama. Now, of course, that's flat-out BS, it's totally wrong. The elections of last November demonstrate that in a real world, real life example." So, no way will Limbaugh allow Huntsman to win the nomination. All this talk about civility and not engaging in personal attacks... THAT'S no way to WIN! No, much better we have some lunatic right wing nutjob like Michelle Bachmann as the nominee. Or someone who alienates women every time he opens his mouth, like Rick Santorum. Or someone who wants to totally dismantle the federal government and return us to a loose confederation of independent states like Ron Paul. Or a serial liar/adulterer that has just been outed as having a SECOND, MILLION DOLLAR line of credit at Tiffany', Newt Gingrich.103 Or the batshit crazy Pizza magnate Herman Cain. His company makes a pizza that my DOGS wouldn't eat, and he wants to be PRESIDENT! Well, he does hate Muslims... John Bolton, former UN ambassador, says he's thinking about it, but I have to hope that even the Republican base isn't THAT crazy... Of course, the base ALSO hates serial flip-flopper and liar Mitt Romney who made his millions by closing factories and outsourcing jobs. They don't have much use for Casper Milquetoast, I mean, Jim Nabors, I mean Tim Pawlenty who will say anything — true or not — to endear himself to the base.

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Of course, they hope — and not secretly — that Caribou Barbie joins the race. And if not him, how about that Governor of New Jersey who told the woman on a call in show that it's none of her business that he sends his kids to parochial schools while stripping funds from public schools — and that was after he had to repay the state for using a state helicopter to go to his son's baseball game. So enjoy Jon Huntsman while he's on the stage. He won't be there long.

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53. Debt Ceiling Squabble Reminds Us of the Folly of Dealing with Terrorists104

To hear the punditry in the act of punditing, one would think that there's no need to worry that the Debt Ceiling will not eventually be raised. The Republicans are just putting on a show, they say. They're getting the tantrum out of the way so they can be seen as having to be dragged screaming and kicking to an agreement that MUST... MUST... include revenue increases. These horrible revenue increases that the GOP leaders call "raising taxes on the American people" including cutting tax subsidies for Big Oil and other measures that will NOT raise taxes on "the American people," but WILL force the American Nobility to pay something closer to their fair share. Don't be so sure. First, let's look at what most SANE people â&#x20AC;&#x201D; people who STUDY these things â&#x20AC;&#x201D; say will happen if the United States does NOT increase the debt limit. 104

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According to a Feb. 11 letter from the Congressional Research Service...105 CRS said the government had a few choices. It could eliminate all discretionary programs, cut nearly 70 percent of outlays for mandatory programs, increase revenue collection by two-thirds or take some combination of all three steps. Lawmakers and the administration agree that a default should be avoided, since it could cause interest rates to rise sharply and home values to decline and would reduce retirement savings. It would threaten an economic recovery that created more than 200,000 private-sector jobs last month. My Twitter pal @Crap4Face puts it in more human terms in his excellent blog.106 Imagine the world is a casino, imagine for us to gamble, we must take out markers (loans). Now everyone in the world takes out these loans. (I am stopping now because I can hear the people now saying “Thats our problem, we borrow too much, we gamble too much. Shut it down!”) All I can say is, “Shut up dummy” Now let us return to my run down. So the world is a casino. We all take out markers to gamble. If we are a good customer, we can get better markers at cheaper rates. We even have some markers left on hold. We don’t get so hasseled on others. But if we walk into the casino with markers out and shut it down, this would be the outcome: First, the casino(world) would cut us off. Demand us to payback our loans now. Why would they not? We have showed that we are done. No need on keeping us happy. Also, no other gamblers (countries who invest in America) would want to deal with us either. We will be thrown in the bathroom like Coffee Cake and the Moosh in A Bronx Tale. Nobody would want us around. Why would they? We have proven we will not even pay our own obligations to our own citizens. Like social security, medicare etc. etc. So we would pretty 105

http://thehill.com/homenews/news/155955-congress-has-littlechoice-but-to-raise-debt-ceiling 106

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much be a third world country. Which pretty much makes sense since our economy is leaning that way. And no WAY the GOP would let THIS happen, right? Don't be so sure. Congressional Republicans on Thursday abandoned budget talks aimed at clearing the way for a federal debt limit increase, leaving the outcome in doubt as they vowed not to give in to a Democratic push for new tax revenues as part of any compromise. The breakdown was set off by the surprise decision of Rep. Eric Cantor of Virginia, the House majority leader and one of two Republicans participating in sessions led by Vice President Joe Biden, to quit the negotiations. The reason they gave for walking out is that Democrats aren't content to only discuss cutting spending. Sure, they agree to cutting spending the GOP says. "But they also want to raise taxes on the American People." The American People, of course, meaning Oil Companies, and it's not actually RAISING their taxes, but eliminating some tax subsidies that these companies have even SAID they DO NOT NEED! "As it stands, the Democrats continue to insist that any deal must include tax increases," Cantor said in a statement. "There is not support in the House for a tax increase, and I don't believe now is the time to raise taxes in light of our current economic situation. Regardless of the progress that has been made, the tax issue must be resolved before discussions can continue." Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-KY, took to the floor yesterday and insisted that President Obama "show some leadership" in the debate. Translation â&#x20AC;&#x201D; "show some leadership by doing what we tell you to do."

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McConnell even went so far as to say we shouldn't even DISCUSS what will HAPPEN if Congress doesn't increase the debt limit.107 Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said Wednesday he wasn't interested in discussing the negative economic consequences that Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said are inevitable if Congress does not agree to raise the federal debt ceiling by Aug. 2. When asked by a reporter what assumptions McConnell has made about what might happen if a deal to raise the debt limit isn't reached in time, or if he thinks the White House has been exaggerating the consequences of a default, McConnell said he preferred not to think about the debate from that perspective. So, gentle reader, what we have here is nothing less than a hostage crisis. Once again, the GOP is holding the American people hostage to get what they want. Last time, it was the threat of a government shutdown. They threatened to cut off Social Security and Medicare payments, and even suggested that they would not pay our troops in the field if they didn't get their way. Last April the GOP waited until the last seconds were ticking off the clock before "agreeing" to a spending deal that resulted in a record $40 billion cut in domestic and foreign aid appropriations. They had the gun to the hostages' heads, they had the hammer cocked, they were putting pressure on the trigger, and the President said, "OK! We'll give you what you want! Don't kill the hostages." Now, we see the wisdom of negotiating with terrorists. The GOP is holding, not only Americans, but the entire WORLD FINANCIAL SYSTEM hostage this time. The stakes are MUCH higher and it's much harder, politically, for Obama to give them what they want as ransom. The American Public shows in poll after poll that they WANT the rich to pay more taxes. From the June 7 Pew Research Center poll. 107

http://www.pbs.org/newshour/rundown/2011/06/mcconnellwe-shouldnt-talk-about-default-consequences.html 258

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LOOK! The only issue that doesn't get a MAJORITY APPROVAL from Republicans, Democrats and Independents is raising taxes on the rich. 78 percent of Democrats and 67 percent of Independents say, MAKE the rich fat cats pay their share. Amazingly, 49 percent of Republicans in the poll say the same thing! And EVERYONE wants to limit tax deductions for large corporations while reducing military commitments overseas. THEIR OWN CONSTITUENCY SAYS, "DO IT!" That is, if one considers the American Voter the "Constituency" of the GOP. When one considers that the ACTUAL "Constituency" of the GOP is the multi-national industrialist, the corporate CEO, the military-industrial complex, and they don't WANT to pay more taxes. They don't want to pay ANY taxes. They ESPECIALLY do not want to suffer tax penalties for shipping your job to India or Mexico or China where a worker doesn't have all your expensive RIGHTS and BENEFITS to worry about. And now, thanks to the Supreme Court's "Citizens United" ruling, these Corporations can contribute UNLIMITED SUMS OF MOOLAH to the GOP â&#x20AC;&#x201D; but only IF the GOP acts like the good little doggies they are and poop in someone ELSE's yard... not theirs! All that being true, what possible reason would the GOP HAVE to AGREE to raise the debt ceiling if they don't get everything and give up nothing? What do THEY have to lose if they pull the trigger and blow our brains all over the wallpaper. Name a GOP lawmaker

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who couldn't live very comfortably on his or her savings and accumulated wealth. So. The debt ceiling doesn't get raised. The world economy collapses. The hostages are all killed. The world economy comes crashing down around our ears. The GOP blames Obama for the catastrophe. The Mainstream Media, all owned by corporations, HEAPS the blame onto Obama. Those of us who still have electricity will be stupid enough to BELIEVE what the media is telling us. The GOP wins hugely in November 2012 and we all hail our new President Bachmann. As America sinks into the tarpits of history, turning into a third world nation, as the corporations and industrialists get richer and fatter as the middle class vanishes completely, President Bachmann can pass all SORTS of nice little laws making it illegal to do things that might make the baby Jesus cry â&#x20AC;&#x201D; like freedom of reproductive choice, equal rights to gays and Muslims and African-Americans... This is what happens when you give terrorists what they want. They always want more. And they don't care who they kill.

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54. Shut Up and Eat Your Damn Tree Bark, You Brats! Daddy's a Goddamn PATRIOT!!!108

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Government can not keep borrowing and spending and borrowing and spending. It's unsustainable. That's why the government must put its foot down and NOT raise the debt ceiling. I say this knowing full well the economic calamity that will follow. But all this borrowing and spending is an addiction. And you don't quit heroin without going through some withdrawal. Sure, the credit market will dry up as money becomes scarce. Those of us old enough to remember our history lessons remember reading about how the Post WWI Germans would take a million Mark note to the bakery with them so the baker could cut out a slice of bread equal to the size of that million Mark note. Hyperinflation was the rule of the day. But look at Germany now! Sure, they had the Nazis, concentration camps, were almost completely destroyed, but they SURVIVED and just 70 or so years after the commencement of hostilities in World War II, they're a strong country again! We will survive our hyperinflation as well. Not raising the debt limit is the PATRIOTIC thing to do! When your children gather around your feet this winter seeking warmth from your body since you can't afford heat, try to warm their souls with the story about how it was NECESSARY to tank the world economy to get America off the drug known as borrowing and spending. Then, when they're outside, peeling the last bits of bark from the trees to fill their empty stomachs, look at your spouse and be PROUD that you were able to kick this addiction without having to resort to raising taxes on the super wealthy or cutting subsidies to oil companies. SURE, putting tax penalties on companies that ship your jobs overseas might SOUND like a good idea, but that's SOCIALIST thinking, my friend. And you're not a Socialist. You're an AMERICAN. And by this winter, you'll be a cold, hungry, PATRIOT! It will take awhile. But eventually the economy will recover. China will be just fine. They just won't loan us any money, and if they do it will be at outrageous interest rates. The credit market will dry up as there is no money to be lent, and that company you work for that has to borrow to make the payroll? Well, they'll just have to let you go. But they'll BLESS you deep down inside for being PATRIOTIC! And don't worry about the CEO. He'll be JUST fine. Rush Limbaugh? Sean Hannity? Ann Coulter? Bill O'Reilly? Glenn Beck? They're MILLIONAIRES, PEOPLE!!! They will do 262

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very well during this coming catastrophe. That's the benefit of being rich. When the economy collapses and people are dying in the streets from hunger and exposure, the rich do just fine. Just ask Czar Nicholas how being wealthy and privileged in a time of national starvation worked out for HIM and HIS family. This will just be a temporary thing, Patriot. A mere hiccup of 70 or 80 years. But if Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann are right (and when have they EVER been wrong), Jesus is coming soon to collect his beloved to take to heaven with him. And seriously, who GIVES a fuck what happens to everyone else?

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55. GAYS? Getting MARRIED? LEGALLY? GOODBYE, CIVILIZATION!!!109 New York? What the hell are you THINKING??? Allowing HOMOS to get MARRIED! Don't you know what you've DONE!!! YOU HAVE ASSURED GOD'S RIGHTEOUS VENGEFUL WRATH UPON THEE. I mean, "you." YOU HAVE, AS A STATE, DESTROYED THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE! You know who said Homosex is a sin? GOD DID!!! Well, whoever wrote the Old Testament did, anyway, and they SAID God spoke to them directly on the subject. He also said we shouldn't eat pork, get blood transfusions and wear clothing of mixed fabrics. In fact, God "told" the Old Testament writers a LOT of wacky stuff about bashing out the brains of His enemies babies and impaling people and destroying the unbelievers, but then Jesus came along and said "forget the old testament because I bring a NEW testament." AND JESUS SAID HOMOSEX WAS A SIN! Well, HE didn't, but his spokesman St. PAUL sure did! He said it a LOT! Of course, he never actually MET Jesus or even laid EYES on him or HEARD a WORD he SAID, but he did have that conversion and everything. And even if you don't believe the BIBLE, you can believe NEWT GINGRICH! As recently as YESTERDAY, according to a story in Reuters...110

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Republican presidential contender Newt Gingrich on Saturday said the adoption of same-sex marriage in New York showed the nation is "drifting toward a terrible muddle." Saying he thinks marriage is between a man and a woman, he told reporters that he "would like to find ways to defend that view as legitimately and effectively as possible." He said he thinks the nation should be defending the federal Defense of Marriage Act, which defines marriage ass (sp) being between a man and a woman. Heh. I left the Freudian typo. Hee! And then, there's that stalwart defender of morality, Rush Limbaugh!111 “They seek to impose their perverted views, their depraved views on family and marriage,” he thundered. “Nobody’s denying anybody the right to get married. Marriage? There’s a definition of it, for it. It means something. Marriage is a union of a man and a woman. And, he concluded, “This is about destroying an institution.” And with seven wives between them, Gingrich and Limbaugh are EXPERTS on the sanctity of marriage as an "institution." And how about Rudy Guiliani (3 wives) who has been defended as a staunch opponent of gays getting married?112 “Good for Rudy for having the courage to speak up now for marriage as the union of husband and wife,” said Maggie Gallagher, president of the National Organization for Marriage, in a 110

http://www.reuters.com/artcle/2011/06/25/us-gingrich-iowaidUSTRE75O25720110625 111

http://blog.seattlepi.com/seattlepolitcs/2010/08/08/gop-quietlimbaugh-loud-on-gay-marriage/ 112

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statement. "Thank you for breaking through the media spin: Marriage is good for the GOP, good for America.” Greg Scott, spokesman for the Alliance Defense Fund, a Christian conservative legal group that litigates marriage-related cases in New York and other states, said, “We are happy to see a prominent voice coming out in support of marriage in New York.”

And Michael Long, chairman of the Conservative Party of New York State, a leading opponent of same-sex marriage, acknowledged “we’ve always had some differences (with Giuliani), but on this particular issue, I think the mayor was right on target, and he spoke for a lot of New Yorkers.” And then there's Sen. Mitch McConnell...113 Founded in late 2005, Faith in America aims to end the "abuse of religion" to support discrimination of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people. As part of the 40th anniversary of a Supreme Court case that struck down anti-miscegenation laws, it is running ads in Capitol Hill newspapers of prominent interracial couples, including Sens. Jim Webb, Mel Martinez and Mitch McConnell, who do not support gay marriage. 113

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"These are incredible hypocrites," said Mitchell Gold, president of Faith in America and co-owner of Mitchell Gold + Bob Williams, a furniture chain based in Taylorsville, according to Roll Call. The point being, McConnell's marriage (his second) to Ms. Elaine Chao, former Secretary of Labor, was once ALSO considered illegal. And add to that the widely-whispered rumors about McConnell's own sexuality... and you see what a devout adherent HE is to "traditional marriage."114 The jury's still out on Sen. Lindsey Graham.115 The gay blogosphere is abuzz with rumors that anti-gay U.S. Lindsey Graham, R â&#x20AC;&#x201C; S.C., is about to be outed. Mike Rogers, who's made it his life mission to out anti-gay leaders, says he has pictures of one of Graham's boy toys leaving the lifelong bachelor's home after spending the night there, according to several bloggers. Rogers claims to have a 100-percent track record as an outer. Rogers tweeted on Dec. 18 that he had a meeting with his lawyer about the imminent release of his pictures. Wonkette displayed the tweets online today And who could forget the services provided by the OTHER staunch defenders of traditional marriage, like former Sen. Larry Craig (married once, three kids he adopted from HER former marriage, no children of their own for some reason, despite being married for nearly 30 years). Craig preferred HIS gay sex with strangers in airport bathrooms and was LEGENDARY in DC for his antics at Union Station. Then there's staunch anti-Homo marriage advocate, former Congressman Mark Foley, who had to leave Congress when it was revealed he was having "pee pee and wee wee" text chats with underaged male House pages. Of course, 114

http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2010/08/23/andpresident-obama-takes-mitch-mcconnell-at-his-word 115

http://killfile.newsvine.com/_news/2010/12/23/5701348internet-sources-claim-ant-gay-senator-lindsey-graham-r-sc-to-beouted 267

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there's stalwart defenders of traditional marriage Sen. David Vitter (one wife but TONS of hookers!) and former Sen. John Ensign (former member of "Promise Keepers", one wife, and a girlfriend on his staff for which he is under criminal investigation for paying off her and her husband to keep their yaps shut about the affair). On the state level you have THESE ardent defenders of traditional marriage.116 LOS ANGELES - A GOP state senator with a staunch anti-gay voting record came out of the closet Monday and asked for his constituents' prayers. "I am gay," state Sen. Roy Ashburn (R-Bakersfield) said, breaking his silence on a conservative AM talk radio show based in his working-class California district. "Those are the words that have been so difficult for me for so long." The admission ended mounting speculation that began last week when Ashburn was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving near a gay nightclub he reportedly patronized in Sacramento, Calif. Then, of course, there are the non-elected defenders of traditional marriage. George Alan Rekers, a prominent anti-gay activist who cofounded the conservative Family Research Council, was caught returning from a 10-day trip to Europe with a male escort he found on Rentboy.com, which is exactly what it sounds like. [UPDATE: The escort now says Rekers is indeed gay, and that Rekers paid him to perform daily nude body rubs during their European jaunt. "It's a situation where he's going against homosexuality when he is a homosexual," the young man told the New Times, adding that Rekers â&#x20AC;&#x201D; who repeatedly asked for a move he dubbed "The Long Stroke" â&#x20AC;&#x201D; ought to divorce himself from his many anti-gay associations. 116

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Rekers has a new explanation for the trip. "I deliberately spend time with sinners with the loving goal to try to help them," he said in a statement posted on Facebook.117 Evangelical pastor Ted Haggard described Thursday as "fundamentally true" an assertion that he engaged in an inappropriate relationship with a 20-year-old male volunteer in 2006. The incident occurred when the two men were in bed together, Grant Haas said in a videotaped interview played on CNN's "Larry King Live." "He pretty much asked me if it was OK if he masturbated in front of me or masturbated in the bed next to me," Haas said. "I told him no, it would make me really uncomfortable. But he grabbed a bottle of lotion and started masturbating."118 SEE how DISGUSTING these HOMOSEXUALS ARE??? They LIE! They CONCEAL themselves to BLEND IN AMONG US. Time was you could TELL who the homos were! The flaming queens, the effeminate males who you used to beat up in high school or college or after work or after getting drunk when you and your buddies would spot one on the street, force him to suck your dick and then beat him bloody. Damn homos. And now, they want the right to get married and live stable, loving lives with the people they have fallen in "love" with. They want to raise children. CHILDREN! And even though there is NO research showing children raised by gays turn out badly... can we TRUST that lack of research? It's the end of civilization as we knew it, gentle readers. We're through the looking glass here. And what a LOVELY looking glass it is, with its elegant sterling silver handle and... ooopsie! I need a haircut! And what's with all that nose hair, I mean, my GOD... 117

http://www.huffingtonpost.com//2010/05/05/george-rekersant-gay-ac_n_565142.html 118

http://artcles.cnn.com/2009-01-29/us/lkl.ted.haggard_1_tedhaggard-head-pastor-church-staff-member?_s=PM:US 269

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GOOD LORD! AN HOUR OF WRITING ABOUT GAY MARRIAGE, AND NOW I'M GAY, TOO! Well... better go tell my wife.

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THE INDEX Andrew Breitbart.18, 39, 200, 212, 220 Andrew Malcom...................232, 238 Anthony Weiner........200, 213, 214, 225, 227 ANTHONY WEINER'S PENIS.....256 Arab League................................63, 64 Articles of Confederation..117, 164

2 2012....99, 115, 134, 159, 161, 162, 168, 181, 182, 188, 193, 197, 251, 253, 267 21st Century............................. 48, 136

9 9/11............121, 123, 134, 189, 191

BACHMANN..................................... 114 Barack Obama.1, 11, 18, 20, 22, 23, 25, 38, 58, 59, 60, 61, 63, 64, 65, 75, 83, 84, 94, 95, 96, 98, 100, 101, 102, 116, 119, 120, 124, 125, 127, 129, 130, 132, 133, 134, 135, 136, 178, 180, 181, 185, 187, 195, 196, 197, 210, 257, 260, 264, 265, 267 Beck...............................23, 61, 88, 250 BIBLE.......................................... 46, 271 Bill O'Reilly............................................ 1 billionaires...................................45, 96 blastocysts........................................ 175 BOEHNER......................113, 114, 115 Boenher................................................20 borrowing.................................86, 269 bottom line.................................. 34, 70 Breitbart.....20, 21, 41, 43, 200, 219 Brietbart.............................................. 19 Bristol........................77, 82, 194, 202 Bristol Palin.................................77, 82 budget. 5, 14, 15, 27, 28, 31, 32, 49, 50, 51, 85, 95, 96, 114, 115, 165, 177, 264 Bush Presidency...............................86

Abbottabad...................124, 131, 133 ABC.................................. 116, 149, 221 abortion..........16, 84, 160, 189, 234 Abraham Lincoln........156, 160, 210 ACORN...................................44, 46, 47 Afghanistan.......121, 124, 125, 126, 195, 213 African-Americans........................... 11 Al Gore............................................... 149 al-Qaeda............................................... 15 Almighty God...................................189 Alzheimer's......................................... 50 America...15, 16, 17, 20, 24, 29, 30, 33, 45, 46, 49, 50, 51, 54, 59, 61, 69, 72, 73, 75, 76, 86, 113, 114, 116, 120, 131, 135, 147, 152, 153, 154, 157, 161, 163, 164, 165, 183, 184, 188, 189, 191, 195, 210, 213, 224, 249, 263, 267, 269, 273, 274 American citizen............................... 95 American Civil Liberties Union 229 American Exceptionalist...............65 American family................................53

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Bush tax cuts...................................... 44 Bush Tax Cuts......................85, 86, 96

conspiracy..............................112, 127 constituents.............91, 93, 115, 275 Constitution....87, 90, 92, 156, 157, 160, 164, 168, 171, 175, 181, 223 corporate33, 70, 86, 117, 213, 248, 266 corporations..45, 90, 223, 266, 267 Corporations...........16, 85, 172, 266 corrupt.......................................... 90, 93 corruption....................................90, 91 Coulter........................................ 23, 270 CPAC.....................................7, 8, 11, 12 CRAZY.............................161, 187, 197 credit115, 119, 120, 123, 134, 135, 260, 269 Czar.............................................. 61, 270

C C.I.A..................................................... 132 California.................................165, 275 campaign.75, 77, 78, 83, 93, 94, 95, 194, 260 Canada........................................... 72, 73 cancer..................................50, 53, 153 candidates.........90, 91, 96, 122, 179 Candie's Foundation.......................77 CANTOR.............................................115 Caribou Barbie. 129, 185, 195, 202, 237, 238, 248, 261 Casey Anthony......................243, 246 Caylee................................................. 244 CBS...............116, 149, 184, 221, 223 CEO........................ 149, 150, 266, 269 Christian........54, 73, 153, 171, 173, 249, 273 Christianity......................................217 Citizens United..............16, 223, 266 civilization........................................ 276 climate..............................51, 248, 250 climate change...............51, 248, 250 Clinton era...........................................85 CNN Newsroom.............................. 199 Commerce Department..................60 Commie................................................ 46 communists....................47, 157, 175 Congress..59, 64, 65, 87, 92, 95, 96, 157, 165, 192, 265, 274 Congressional Budget Office........86 Congressional Research Service... ......................................................... 263 Conservative....7, 18, 22, 23, 39, 94, 119, 273 Conservatives.18, 23, 39, 119, 120, 131, 221

D Daily Kos.................................... 94, 201 Daily Mail.......................................... 132 David Gregory.......................178, 179 David Prosser.....................................98 David Vitter...................................... 275 deathers.............................................127 debt ceiling........114, 115, 250, 265, 266, 267, 269 deficit.....14, 31, 44, 85, 86, 96, 210, 249, 250 Democrat. .18, 25, 83, 85, 149, 153, 178, 192 Democratic......34, 64, 85, 120, 122, 264 Democratic party..............................34 Democratic Party............64, 85, 120 Democrats 27, 84, 95, 96, 116, 121, 122, 123, 157, 180, 181, 244, 264, 266 Dennis Kucinich......................95, 197 Department of Education..............60

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Department of Homeland Security .................................................... 50, 60 Department of Transportation...60 diabetes................................................ 50 Dianne Feinstein............................ 128 divorce.......................46, 53, 153, 275 divorced............................................... 46 dog-whistle............................... 11, 136 Donald Trump.........................98, 169

France...........................46, 64, 73, 147 Freedom........................... 59, 121, 157 FREEDOM......................................... 167 freedom of speech............................73

G G.W. Bush.......................................... 128 Gadaffi...................................................65 GAYS............................................ 53, 271 George Alan Rekers.......................275 George Bush......................94, 95, 100 GEORGE BUSH................................... 21 George W. Bush.........121, 124, 131, 134, 135 Gerald Ford,........................................ 18 Germany...................68, 75, 147, 269 Gingrich........54, 177, 179, 250, 272 Gitmo...................................94, 95, 195 Glenn Beck..........15, 45, 46, 47, 270 Going Rogue..................................... 238 GOING ROGUE................................. 233 Gomer............................. 162, 181, 186 GOP....7, 49, 54, 59, 60, 83, 88, 112, 115, 176, 180, 181, 182, 185, 192, 193, 223, 250, 257, 258, 262, 264, 265, 266, 267, 273, 275 Gov. Walker................................. 26, 32 government.4, 5, 19, 22, 24, 25, 45, 47, 86, 87, 95, 114, 115, 117, 147, 148, 164, 165, 167, 172, 176, 222, 223, 260, 263, 265, 269 Government....25, 39, 89, 164, 212, 220, 269 Governor Walker.29, 31, 33, 34, 69 Governor Walker,............................. 29 Greta van Susteren..........................64 guns............................................. 73, 148

E Education............................................ 85 Egyptian........................................22, 68 embryonic stem cell research..159, 160, 174 Energy Department......................... 49 English........................................ 75, 150 Environment...................................... 85 Environmental Protection Agency ............................................................ 84 Eric Cantor.............................193, 264 European..................64, 75, 122, 275 Evangelicals.........................53, 54, 56 Executive Branch..............................91 extramarital affair............................ 54 extramarital affairs..........................46

F Facebook..................64, 65, 119, 276 Faux News..............................225, 227 Federal Communications Commission................................ 221 Federal Railroad Administration ............................................................ 60 Federal workers........................51, 87 First Lady..................................... 19, 38 FLOTUS................................................ 60 Forbes......................................... 77, 121 Fox News 23, 28, 61, 63, 65, 70, 88, 116, 149, 179, 227, 248, 249

H 273

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Hannity.........23, 45, 47, 61, 88, 115, 179, 222, 250, 270 hashtags............................................ 209 health care.....5, 72, 84, 85, 86, 147, 149, 160, 171 Health Care...........................44, 45, 86 Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. 203 Hillary Clinton...................................21 Hitler...........67, 68, 69, 70, 161, 241 homophobia.....................................159 homosexual..............................46, 275 Hosni Mubarak.....................................4 HOSTAGE............................................. 87 House Majority Leader................193 House of Representatives.....44, 95, 97, 153

John Huntsman............................... 181 John Kerry........................................ 149 John Kyl.........................................96, 98 John McCain.............................. 95, 154 Jon Huntsman........................257, 261 JOURNALISTS.................................. 199 justice.....22, 98, 124, 125, 126, 134

K karma....................................... 111, 175 Kathryn Jean Lopez.............122, 235 Kay Bailey Hutchison's...................99 Kelsey Grammer............................... 23 KENYA.................................................. 15 Kenyan....16, 61, 98, 130, 131, 134, 136 Koch Brothers..........................87, 115 Kosovo............................................... 130 KYL...................................................... 115

I Idi Amin............................................. 176 impeach................................................65 Imperialist...........................................65 Iranian.................................................. 22 Islam.................................. 47, 122, 127 Islamic........................................47, 131

L Larry Craig.......................................274 Lawrence O'Donnell........................ 87 legislature............................................31 Leon Panetta..........................132, 133 Leon Panetta,...................................132 Libya...................... 58, 63, 64, 65, 195 Limbaugh.......18, 23, 37, 43, 61, 88, 115, 142, 143, 145, 176, 177, 196, 250, 259, 260, 272 Lindsey Graham.............................274 lobbyists....................................... 91, 93 Lyndon Johnson.............................149

J Japan................................46, 72, 73, 99 Jessica Lynch...................................130 Jesus.........15, 47, 95, 157, 185, 193, 217, 226, 234, 248, 251, 252, 267, 270, 271 JESUS.......................15, 126, 249, 271 Jewish................................................. 126 Jews..............................................73, 150 Jim Webb...........................................273 Jimmy Carter............................ 18, 120 JoAnne Kloppenburg.......................98 John Barasso......................................... 9 John Brennan...................................133 John Ensign...................................... 275

M Madison......................................29, 156 majority...........18, 44, 167, 181, 264 Mark Foley........................................274 Marriage.....................................46, 272

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Martin Luther King........22, 51, 111, 210 Marxist................................... 46, 61, 96 marxists............................................... 47 Massachusetts.......................159, 160 McCONNELL......113, 114, 115, 116 media.....28, 30, 33, 69, 70, 96, 108, 115, 123, 179, 213, 220, 221, 222, 224, 234, 237, 238, 256, 267, 273 Media....34, 37, 167, 168, 211, 237, 267 MEDIA...................................... 162, 256 Medicare. 14, 16, 17, 25, 44, 45, 97, 157, 178, 179, 180, 181, 191, 192, 193, 250, 265 Mel Martinez....................................273 Memorial Day..............194, 195, 196 Mexican.....147, 156, 165, 210, 229, 230, 249 Mexicans..47, 70, 75, 148, 149, 169 Mexico................45, 51, 73, 156, 266 Michele Bachmann. 18, 47, 59, 117, 155, 160, 161, 169, 187, 250, 270 Michele Obama..................................20 Michelle Obama.........................37, 38 MICHELLE OBAMA..........................60 middle class........................................ 15 middle class!.......................................31 Mississippi....................165, 190, 210 Mitch Daniels...............162, 182, 184 Mitch McConnell....7, 264, 265, 273 Mitt Romney.....159, 169, 180, 187, 260 Morning Joe........................................ 14 MSNBC.............................. 98, 116, 223 Mubarak.......................................23, 68 multicultural...................................... 65

Muslim15, 20, 23, 65, 98, 126, 130, 131, 231 Muslim Brotherhood.......................23 Muslims.....................70, 73, 260, 267

N Nancy Reagan's................................. 19 National Guard......................... 4, 5, 92 National Institutes of Health.......50, 52, 60 National Review Online.....120, 235 NBC.......64, 116, 149, 179, 221, 223 NBC News............................................ 64 New Orleans..........................189, 240 New York Times................... 132, 133 NEWT...........................55, 56, 65, 271 Newt Gingrich......46, 47, 53, 58, 63, 70, 73, 152, 175, 176, 179, 180, 260, 272 no-fly zone................................... 63, 64 nomination.66, 162, 180, 182, 185, 260 non-partisan.......................................91

O O'Reilly.......1, 23, 88, 191, 228, 270 Obamacare. .86, 178, 179, 185, 187 OBL..............120, 127, 130, 131, 132 Oprah.................................................... 79 organized labor..................34, 35, 69 Orin Hatch..............................................8 Osama bin Laden.......119, 121, 123, 124, 125, 126, 127, 129, 136, 157

P Pakistan....120, 124, 125, 126, 131, 132, 133, 135, 196 Parkinson's dementia..................174

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Parkinson's disease.......50, 52, 168, 174, 193 Pat Buchanan..................................... 98 Pat Tillman....................................... 130 patriot......................................... 66, 113 Patriot......35, 47, 86, 161, 215, 223, 253, 270 patriotism............................................50 Paul Revere........202, 203, 209, 248 Paul Ryan.......96, 97, 113, 115, 177, 178, 179, 193 Paultards........................................... 166 Pawlenty.....70, 134, 162, 181, 185, 186, 250, 260 PBS NewsHour................................132 Peggy Noonan.......................121, 134 PENCE................................................ 114 pension.................................. 32, 33, 92 pensions.............5, 28, 29, 31, 32, 33 Planned Parenthood........84, 86, 87, 162 politicians.........33, 90, 93, 179, 249 pre-Bush.............................................. 49 presidency....42, 54, 135, 187, 210, 248 President Bachmann.\...................96 President Clinton..............................54 President Gingrich........................... 35 President Obama.................................1 President Reagan.............................33 private sector.............................29, 61 Public broadcasting.........................84

racists........................... 74, 96, 98, 100 Rand Paul..................................99, 168 Reagan 19, 47, 70, 86, 96, 222, 259, 260 real America....................................... 75 recovery..............................51, 86, 263 religion.............................73, 247, 273 Republican 4, 18, 34, 44, 46, 49, 64, 69, 87, 88, 95, 96, 97, 98, 149, 152, 157, 177, 180, 192, 193, 257, 258, 259, 260, 272 REPUBLICAN...31, 32, 34, 113, 121 Republican legislatures..................34 Republicans...25, 30, 44, 45, 46, 47, 49, 50, 60, 63, 83, 85, 88, 95, 96, 114, 116, 122, 159, 177, 181, 187, 192, 262, 264, 266 retirement.....14, 15, 16, 17, 33, 52, 164, 165, 263 Robert Paul......................................... 99 Ron Paul. 7, 99, 163, 166, 167, 168, 169, 170, 171, 172, 173, 174, 175, 181, 260 Ronald Reagan.........................17, 221 Roy Ashburn.................................... 275 Rudy Guiliani................................... 272 Rush Limbaugh...15, 17, 37, 45, 46, 47, 59, 145, 176, 222, 270, 272 RYAN.........................................115, 178

S Saddam Hussein........120, 121, 122, 134 sanctity of marriage..............53, 272 Sarah Palin.........47, 73, 75, 95, 160, 161, 169, 195, 196, 197, 209, 227, 232, 234, 235, 237, 238, 248, 250, 270 Saudi Arabia....................................... 47 Scott Walker........4, 5, 25, 27, 30, 32

R racism.18, 136, 142, 145, 147, 148, 191 racist..15, 18, 21, 39, 40, 43, 74, 98, 100, 102, 136, 138, 140, 142, 143, 144, 145, 148, 149, 200, 219

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scrotum......................................... 58, 65 Secretary of Commerce..................61 Senate. .7, 27, 68, 86, 90, 91, 96, 99, 125, 128, 165, 264, 265 senators................................. 28, 29, 90 Sherrod Brown.................................. 67 SOCIAL POLICY.................................87 Social Security.....14, 15, 17, 25, 44, 45, 87, 157, 187, 265 Socialist........................46, 61, 96, 269 socialists.............................................. 47 Speaker Boehner................26, 51, 84 Speaker of the House...................153 spending......49, 50, 72, 86, 93, 114, 115, 164, 184, 193, 210, 264, 265, 269, 274 Stalin.............................................. 67, 68 state employee benefits!...............32 State Employee Union....................27 state employees.............5, 31, 32, 33 state government.............................29 subsidies................93, 262, 264, 269 Supreme Court.........16, 45, 85, 213, 223, 266, 273

Tea Party........15, 47, 84, 95, 96, 97, 115, 163, 171, 181, 185, 191 teabagger............................................. 75 teabaggers............................61, 75, 84 Teabagging..........................................25 Technorati...1, 4, 14, 18, 24, 30, 36, 44, 49, 52, 53, 58, 63, 67, 72, 77, 83, 89, 94, 97, 100, 112, 119, 129, 136, 147, 152, 159, 163, 169, 174, 175, 182, 188, 192, 202, 209, 220, 229, 232, 243, 247, 257, 262, 271 Ted Haggard.................................... 276 Teddy Roosevelt.............................210 term limits...........................................90 terrorists........47, 60, 124, 126, 265, 267 Texas...7, 11, 87, 99, 163, 164, 167, 190 the Koch brothers.....................34, 96 the United Nations........................... 65 The Washington Post...................132 Think Progress.................................. 55 Tim Pawlenty................................ 9, 10 Tom Shales....................................... 122 traitors..................................................47 troops......65, 87, 88, 120, 126, 128, 130, 133, 195, 213, 265 TRUMP............................................... 116 tumor.................................................... 50 TV advertising...................................91 Twenty-seventh Amendment......87 Twitter......160, 201, 209, 232, 251, 263

T Taliban..................................................87 Talking Points Memo.........................7 tax.......31, 34, 44, 45, 49, 50, 69, 85, 93, 187, 222, 249, 262, 264, 266, 269 Tax Refunds........................................ 87 taxes.....5, 15, 44, 45, 50, 84, 85, 93, 164, 187, 223, 262, 264, 265, 266, 269 Taxes..................................................... 15 taxpayer................................29, 33, 93 taxpayers.....................29, 32, 33, 115 Tea Partiers......................................160

U union........25, 28, 29, 35, 68, 69, 98, 272 unions..5, 31, 33, 34, 35, 45, 68, 70, 150, 151

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United Nations...................................64 United States Department of Health and Human Service......60

V Viagra.......................................... 17, 154 Vietnam............................................. 130 voters....................31, 32, 34, 91, 257

W Washington, D.C......................91, 124 waterboarding................................ 127 Waukesha County............................98 WEALTHY............................................15 WELFARE............................................ 47 White House.........47, 59, 61, 75, 85, 100, 114, 116, 133, 134, 265 WIC program......................................50 Wisconsin....4, 5, 24, 25, 27, 29, 30, 32, 33, 34, 41, 67, 69, 97, 98, 115 Wonkette................................166, 274 World War II............................46, 269

-Rep. Michele Bachmann...............18

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ABOUT BILL SCHMALFELDT

It's been an interesting career. I've been a radio disc jockey, news director, program director, talk show host, and I was one of the original broadcasters at XM Satellite Radio. I've been a newspaper editor, writer, reporter and columnist. In between radio and news gigs, I drove 18-wheeler for a living.

I eventually found myself working for the federal government, as a writereditor with the Clinical Center at the National Institutes of Health, a job from which I was forced by Parkinson's disease in March 2011. Parkinson's disease... It was just about three weeks after my 45th birthday in 2000 when I was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. In 2007 while working at a federal agency as a writer and podcaster, telling other people about the importance of clinical trials, I heard about and volunteered for an experimental brain surgery to determine whether or not "deep brain stimulation" could be done on patients in the earlier stages of the disease. The purpose of the clinical trial is to prove that DBS, when done earlier in the progression of the disease, might just slow down or stop the degeneration that is an inevitable part of the disease. "Put On Your Parky Face!" is the story of my "Parkinson's Decade" from being diagnosed in 2000, to having the surgery in 2007, through today. The story is told in a humorous, satirical, almost jovial first-person, conversational style. It's a book that should be on the reading list of anyone who has (or loves someone who has) Parkinson's disease. 100 percent of the author proceeds go to the National Parkinson Foundation and the Charles DBS Research Fund at Vanderbilt University Medical Center. I currently blog about my life and other things that annoy me at http://billschmalfeldt.com and I write satire about world and national politics. My most recent book of satire is "Outrageous Accusations and Damnable Lies," available at CreateSpace.com and Amazon. I have a left-wing point of view and little patience for tea party nonsense. Here you will find all the self-published books I've written over the past few years. And HERE'S where you can GET 'em!

PUT ON YOUR PARKY FACE Bill Schmalfeldt is serving notice. It's time for Parkinson's disease patients to stop being invisible. It's time for a nationwide effort to raise awareness about crippling degenerative neurological disorder and the havoc it wreaks on American families -approximately 1.5 million people currently have a PD diagnosis with 50-thousand new cases each year. Having had PD himself since 2000 at age 45, Bill volunteered for experimental brain surgery in 2007. He spins a humorous, poignant, sometimes angry tale about his life with this incurable progressive neurological condition. He has retired from his job in the Federal service and plans to use his remaining time, focus and energy to help fund the research that will find the cure. In fact, 100% of the author proceeds from this book will be donated to Parkinson's research charities. This book should be owned by anyone who has Parkinson's, anyone who knows someone with PD, or anyone who might GET Parkinson's someday -- in other words... YOU! Lulu Deluxe Hardcover -- $40 Amazon Deluxe Hardcover -- $40 Barnes and Noble Deluxe Hardcover -- $40 Books-A-Million Deluxe Hardcover -- $39.60 Create Space Paperback -- $15 Amazon Paperback -- $15 Barnes and Noble Paperback -- $15 Books-A-Million Paperback -- $14.95 Lulu PDF Download -- $5 Amazon Kindle -- $5

CAN YOU BE A TEA PARTY MEMBER AND STILL CALL YOURSELF CHRISTIAN? How does one resolve the dichotomy between the teachings of God and the rhetoric of the Tea Party? How can you say you believe God's command that we care for each other, our sick and elderly and poor, and still carry signs saying "Your Health, Your Problem?" HERE'S how! A NEWLY-REVEALED BIBLE!!! Create Space Paperback -- $20 Amazon Paperback -- $20 Amazon Kindle -- $5

OUTRAGEOUS ACCUSATIONS AND DAMNABLE LIES One of the lesser-discussed symptoms of Parkinson’s disease is irritability. I was diagnosed with this degenerative neurological disorder three weeks after my 45th birthday in 2000. I have 11 years of irritability built up inside me. That’s why I enjoy writing. After 11 years of this crap, my walking is affected. I lose my balance and fall easily. My ability to speak is hampered. Most folks with Parkinson’s tend to develop a quiet, whispery, reedy voice. Not me! A loudmouth I was born and a loudmouth I shall die. No, my affliction is in the area of clarity. When I speak, all the words try to rush out in an unintelligible jumble. If I slow down and think of each word as I say it, things go a little easier. But as someone with 30+ years of radio broadcasting experience in my pocket, someone who has spent the last six years as a podcaster for the Federal Government, this loss of the ability to clearly express myself verbally without sounding like Porky Pig is frustrating to say the least. That is why I enjoy writing. At this point in my progressive decline, it’s still something I can do fairly well. And I particularly enjoy writing satire. Particularly political satire. Particularly satire that perforates the smug attitude of the American Conservative mindset. I find fault with almost everyone! (Makes me a fun guy to hang out with!) The religiofascist and the assured atheist are just as likely to suffer under my keyboard. Anyone who thinks he or she knows ANYTHING for an absolute certainty and beyond questioning is a target. If you read an essay here that annoys or inflames you… good. Read the next essay. You might like that one. Or, at any rate, you’ll have something to think about. If you’re the kind of person who has absolute certainty in your religion, your patriotism, American Exceptionalism, tread lightly between these book covers. Take a deep breath. They’re just words.

And aren’t words MAGICAL things? The offerings herein are divided into four broad categories… Dumbasses Knuckleheads Media Odds and Ends. A full listing of essays can be found in the Table of Contents. Thanks to the editors at Technorati.com for providing first publication for the vast majority of these works. I take full responsibility for my own words, whether I meant them sincerely or not. And that’s part of the fun about reading satire… how much of what you’re reading is based on YOUR preconceived notions, and how much is based on the writer’s? Let’s see, shall we? Create Space Paperback -- $15 Amazon Paperback -- $15 Books-A-Million Paperback -- $14.85 Barnes and Noble Paperback -- $13.50 Amazon Kindle -- $5

HUNKY DUNK

Mud and Jake Klemper were special boys. Their father knew how special they were although his constant browbeating did little to encourage their special gift. But he did instill them with one thing: The Klemper Pride. The boys would have lived their lives unknown and uncared about in Slope Oak, Iowa, if not for a little song Mud and Jake composed one hot afternoon. It became a monster hit. As a result of their success, the boys became international superstars. Through it all, they never really seemed to understand what was going on around them and they maintained their simple outlook on life -- until it all became too much! Lulu Paperback -- $20 Amazon Paperback -- $20 Barnes and Noble Paperback -- $20 Books-A-Million Paperback -- $19.80 Lulu PDF Download -- $5 Barnes and Noble Nook -- $5 Amazon Kindle -- $2.99 ALSO IN THE SONY E-BOOK STORE -- $5

UNDERCOVER TRUCKER: HOW I SAVED AMERICA BY TRUCKIN' TOWELS FOR THE TALIBAN Billy Big Rig has lived his life on The Killer Road. His many adventures (and marriages) have left him bruised, scarred, but unbroken. In 2000 as a disgraced alcoholic 18-wheel driver, Billy redeemed himself by saving America. He did this by infiltrating an Al Qaeda cell in prison and traveling with them to Afghanistan in the days leading up to 9/11. Then, if he is to be believed, he nearly singlehandedly won the war, killed Saddam Hussein, took care of Osama bin Laden and had a fist fight with Bill Clinton. For obvious reasons his real identity can never be revealed. His life remains in constant danger. But he tells his story for the first time in this hilarious first-hand account. Along the way, you'll learn about his unique upbringing, his politically-incorrect philosophy, and how to survive when EVERYONE wants to kill you! Lulu Paperback -- $25 Amazon Paperback -- $25 Lulu PDF Download -- $5 Amazon Kindle -- $5 Barnes & Noble Nook -- $5 ALSO IN THE SONY E-BOOK STORE -- $5

END TIMES: A COMEDY IN TWO ACTS Lulu Paperback the biblical book of Revelations, rewritten by Woody Allen or Mel Brooks. End Times: A Comedy in Two Acts, has more laughs in each scene than the ENTIRE Left Behind series. Co-playwrights and twin brothers Bill and Bob Schmalfeldt worked on this project. Bill has other books on Lulu -notably, Deep Brain Diary: My Life as a Guy with Parkinson's Disease and Brain Surgery Volunteer, Hunky Dunk, and Undercover Trucker: How I Saved America by Truckin' Towels for the Taliban. Sadly, Bob passed away in 2004. Proceeds from this work will be shared with his widow, Lori. Lulu Paperback -- $20 Amazon Paperback -- $20 Barnes and Noble Paperback -- $20 Books-A-Million Paperback -- $19.80 Lulu PDF Download -- $5 Feel free to check my blog, share your comments and just say "hello"!