Community Heartbeat

C MMUNITY

HEARTBEAT

By Lisa Sydnor

I DON’T NEED A SUPPORT GROUP

Everyone needs a little support.

Recommending someone join a support group is often met with a litany of “reasons” why a support group is not needed or wanted or seen to have any value. Perhaps you do not see how a support group would enhance your life, make caregiving easier, and/or help you deal with all, or any, of the issues that accompany caregiving. Let’s take a different approach to this issue.

Life can, and too often does, change in a second. Your loved one has a stroke or an accident or is diagnosed with a life-threatening disease or your grandchildren are left with no parents. In that instant – BAM - you are a caregiver.

Life now is based on learning medical terminology, making and taking your loved one to medical appointments, figuring out living arrangements, dealing with financial issues, learning how to navigate the education system, finding suitable daycare, and, the dreaded insurance or assistance conundrum. Not how you envisioned your life. You are now juggling your job, your spouse/partner, your children, personal commitments, and the caregiving of a loved one.

Often, you are confronted with an angry, scared and resentful loved one. This is not how they envisioned their life. The care receiver is as vulnerable and frightened as the caregiver. Often expressing our innermost emotions and vulnerabilities is the difficult “first” step. Being vulnerable about our private lives and/or family matters is not easy. The reality is nothing will happen unless you participate.

MANY REASONS ARE GIVEN FOR NOT FINDING A SUPPORT GROUP:

No one understands. I don’t share my private life publicly. I don’t have time. I am too tired. I can’t deal with people who whine and want pity. I love my spouse/mother/father/sibling/child; someone might misunderstand. I don’t want to cry or vent in public. I can handle this on my own.

Believe me when I tell you, many of us have been, or are, where you are and we do understand. It is a love/hate relationship. You will cry, feel angry, be frustrated, and wonder “Why”. You need a safe

environment to laugh, cry, and vent. You need to celebrate victories and express your feelings. You need coping mechanisms. You are not alone unless you chose to be.

Support groups are not one-size-fits-all. Find a group with like experiences, a group where you feel comfortable. There are groups for grief, memory care, terminal illnesses, end-of-life, foster care, relatives raising children, adoption, mental illness, substance abuse, etc.

Herb Magley volunteers with Alzheimer’s Association and is a wealth of information and encouragement. He cared for his wife through her Alzheimer’s journey. He has a list of 25 do’s and don’ts for those on the rocky road of caregiving. Herb continues to be instrumental in establishing and supporting many support groups.

Kris did not have a support system in place while caring for her husband. Upon his death, her medical issues began to dominate her life. She was grieving and ill. Finding a group to meet her needs was challenging. In conjunction with her church, friends, and others suffering the loss of a loved one, Kris started a support group. Being able to talk out her feelings with like-minded individuals gave her strength and understanding of her own needs.

John came back to Oklahoma when his mother became ill. The past four years have had ups and downs for both of them. He tried several support groups before finding his support group. John shared, “We are not created to do life alone; especially working through relationships with ourselves and others. I wasn’t able to find a support group that fit my exact need but…through communicating my needs, struggles, and questions with the people in and around my daily life I began to develop relationships that now, are an inner circle of trusted and experienced people that can help me.”

John is a recovering addict. He said, “I believe in support groups since my 12-step involvement revolves around meeting with like-minded people and people seeking recovery. Meetings are where I started developing my personal “support group” or “accountability partners”. A group or meeting may have 20 people that have a common purpose.”

YOU CAN’T BUY HAPPINESS...

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Where and how do you find support groups? If you have a case worker start your search with them. For referrals and assistance contact 211; Human Resources at your job or your loved ones’ job; school counselors; social service

7501 W. Britton Rd. • Oklahoma City, OK 73132 405.721.0747, Ext. 322

agencies; and your church for assistance in finding a support group. If you are caring for a veteran or a dependent, contact the VA. The Veterans Hospital has a great support system which includes caregiver support groups as well as physical and occupational therapy. The following are a few of the agencies offering information on caregiver support groups: 211; 988; Areawide Aging Agency; Alzheimer’s Association; Catholic Charities; Parkinson’s Association; Oklahoma Department of Veteran Affairs; Veterans Hospital; Oklahoma Department of Human Services; Oklahoma Department of Mental Health; OKCares; and Sooner SUCCESS. These agencies have systems of support in place or can assist in locating support and are excellent resources.

Help yourself as well as those you are caring for and share your burdens. You may be surprised at the weight off your shoulders. Take care of yourself, selfcare is not selfish. Your ability to continue caring may be in your ability to breathe and laugh. Laughter heals; puts things in perspective, and gives us strength to carry on. Reach out. Contact ASKLisa if you need help.

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