Angel baby Heartbreakingly, miscarriage affects one in four women. Motherhood photographer Shannon Radford bravely shares her story.
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e found out I was There was nothing they could do. pregnant in early I immediately burst into tears. We got November. Six days put on a waiting list to come back in an before my period was due, hour so a doctor could check me internally. exactly the same way we found out with our Back in Hamilton, I had never been to an three-year-old son Bjorn. We were so excited. ultrasound with this worried feeling before. A sibling for Bjorn to run around with, to be I looked around to see smiling pregnant protective over. We made a little sign for him women, excited and happy. That was me, last to hold in front of the Christmas tree, and time. I had a blood test to check my HCG we announced it to our friends and family. levels and the scan showed a tiny yet strong I didn’t get a chance to go to the doctor; heartbeat. The sonographer was happy and I just contacted a midwife and made plans we were sent away with a glimmer of hope. to see her in a few weeks. Everything seemed Just a little passing comment about the sac normal. I was pretty sick from the outset, being smaller than usual, but that all should which was the same with Bjorn – vomiting be fine. Google, however, said it could be randomly and feeling horrible. We went a sign of miscarriage. I tried not to worry. to Whangamata with my On New Year’s Day, best friends, intending I got a call to say my I felt like being around HCG levels were on the to spend New Year’s eve others and talking there, bringing in 2021 lower side. I was asked with excitement for what to get in touch with my about day to day was to come. midwife to see when things only invalidated I needed more bloods/ I had chronic morning my baby boy. He was sickness. Think head scans, but it didn’t in the toilet, not coping happen soon enough. gone, and life just kind of sick. So we called Another day passed, moved on without him. and I started to feel the doctor, and they prescribed me some antisome pain. The bleeding nausea pills. It didn’t help a whole heap, continued. I called Healthline in tears, and we carried on with the holiday anyway. unsure of what to do. They advised us to go (So to those who say, “Oh, if you are sick, straight to emergency. This clinic acted fast that’s a sign of a healthy baby” – that’s BS.) with an immediate blood test, but I was sent I woke up on New Year’s Eve to blood home with only my fingers googling what when I wiped. I called out to Aaron, and we might be coming. headed straight to a clinic. When asked if we At 4pm, while in bed alone, I got the call. had an appointment, I responded, “No, but I was told my HCG levels had dropped I’m eight weeks pregnant and I’m bleeding.” – meaning an inevitable miscarriage,
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Pregnancy BUMP & baby
even though we currently had a heartbeat. Why, why me? I wept. It was pouring with rain that day, and I ran out in it with my two-year-old son. I took some photos of the droplets falling on our tree outside to capture the moment we lost our baby. It was time for another scan. The sonographer put the probe on my tummy, moved it around a few times. He quietly said, “Sadly, there is no heartbeat.” It was numbing. Tears streamed down my face, but no sound came out. “What’s next?” I asked. Medication and a D&C are the last resort if it doesn’t happen naturally. We went to Bunnings and bought a beautiful plant that blooms in August (my due month), for we knew we would soon need to bury our little one somewhere safe. Google became an hourly thing as I waited for something, anything to happen. At this point, I came across the stat that a quarter of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. How did I not know this? Sleep was an escape. If I was asleep, this wouldn’t happen, right? I woke up many times in the night asking Aaron if it was all just a bad dream. But it wasn’t. We cried together. The emotional pain is one thing, but the physical pain is awful. Every time I went to the toilet, I wondered if now was the time. Is this it? Maybe next time? It happened after a week of bleeding. I knew it was happening when the pains, which felt like early labour, got stronger and stronger. He was beautiful. He had eyes, arms and legs. We held him in our palms for a while, cuddling together. Then we buried him under the plant. The government announced this year that New Zealand was to give anyone with pregnancy loss three days off work to “deal” with miscarriage. Influencers around the country praised this on social media, but I don’t think it’s enough. I would have taken two weeks minimum if I worked for someone else. Not to mention the emotional
