Inside of me

Once inside of me was darkness nothing but blackness, pain, heartache, guilt betrayal - bruises on my soul. I was afraid of all people and what they could do. I was a caterpillar - dark brown with no colour at all, just blackness.

I was cheeky and some adults didn’t like me which was fine by me. I learned to be quiet, to shut up from the evil and darkness so I became that caterpillar. I lived in darkness inside. But also inside of me was her, a little girl who still believed in love, who had compassion for others, who was quiet but had fire deep inside her - who refused to stay in darkness, who fought for survival, who fought for life for years and years.

Still not really living, still afraid of people and what they could do because after all it was the people who should have loved and protected her were the ones who cut her most. They were the ones who brought her to her knees, those are the ones who brought the darkness, the blackness, the antidepressants, the overdoses, the pain.

But one day colour came through. A little bit of colour everyday because you see that little girl, deep inside, who refused to give up and who fought and fought for 50 years is an adult now. She took all that hate and became a butterfly full of so many, many colours that dazzle and sparkle: she learned one day at a time to love herself and to listen to the child within. She learned from people who loved her unconditionally that she is worthy of love.

So she took all that hate and darkness and covered it with amazing dazzling colours. She chose to forgive. She chose to let love conquer. Chose to meet new people who are now new friends and everyday she thanks God and the universe for all her blessings and still to this day that little girl pops up to say hello. Now she is me and I am her: say my name, say it loud, because I am Cassie and I’m afraid no more.

It’s not always about the grammar or the spelling. It’s not always about what rhymes with what or being so precise that you get lost in how to say something rather than what you wantor need - to say.

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