Editor’s Column

Friendship: The sweetest gift

“Diana? Is that you?” I was headed to the checkout at King Soopers when I saw her. I yanked my mask down to show her it was indeed me, her coworker of 24 years. She eased her cart to the side, and we gave each other the Cliff’s Notes of our lives in the floral aisle, parting 45 minutes later with the intention of getting back in touch, hopefully before another three years elapses!

Why is it so hard to stay in touch? The pandemic hasn’t helped, but it’s just life in all its unpredictability. Our hearts are in the right place, but crisis management kicks in. What needs doing right now usurps all else, so we don’t write that email, pick up the phone or knock on their door.

Friendship is one of life’s greatest blessings. It’s not a transactional relationship. It’s not forced. It’s a choice. When you find it and it’s reciprocal, it is a sweet gift.

Friendship makes me do costly and illogical but oh-so-fun things like wake up at 3:30 a.m. for a flight to Texas to visit my college roommate. It’s my sister resurrecting a dormant group— from years ago, before a move halfway across the country—for a monthly Zoom call. It’s wildly sacrificial acts I’ve only read about, like donating a kidney.

Who has one BFF? There’s the confidant from whom you seek advice. The bestie who makes you laugh. The childhood chum you’ve known forever. The always-game, spur-of-the-minute pal. The friend you lost touch with, but later connect as if no time has elapsed at all.

Researchers say that making a casual friend takes an average of 50 hours, while close friendships take 200 hours.

In college, friendship was effortless. We studied together, made food runs or stayed up late, just talking. Then I graduated. Real-life socializing required effort and scheduling.

But that’s the secret to friendships outside the playground or dorm, according to psychologist Marisa Franco. She’s an advocate of recurring group activities—the monthly game night or bike ride.

For some mysterious reason, singing together is proven to be very conducive to friendships. I miss my own “choir therapy,” paused by COVID-19.

Franco speaks of the “multiple touch points” in groups.

“Someone…could reach out to all of us, and then we all keep in touch,” she explains. So even if group texts get unwieldy or the Zoom cage feels unnatural, they work when gathering may not be safe. (I’ve also met up with friends in the wintry outdoors, eating lunch by a fire!)

Aging doesn’t seem as intimidating when you can commiserate with another. Senior centers are a hub of relationships forged over meals or shared interests, like exercise or crafts. Research shows that though we’re aging, friends enable us to stay resilient, open-minded and smarter.

Loneliness can be as hard on you as smoking a pack per day. Friends are even more vital than relatives for extending one’s life. Seniors over 70 with a good number of friends tend to live 22 percent longer than those with fewer.

When we close ourselves off, we miss out on community, and our world shrinks. In a lifetime we make an average of 396 friends, but only one out of 12 friendships lasts. Let’s thank our “forever people.”

Here’s to making and being a friend! ■

Rhonda Wray, Managing Editor Rhonda@LaFifty.com

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Looking for love in all the online places? By Lynn Jacobs COVER STORY

Online dating is big business and growing every year. Although many folks over age 50 have never used a dating app, you can bet your kids have been swiping right and left to approve or disapprove of potential mates on Tinder for years.

With age, however, circumstances and marital statuses change, and you might find yourself looking for new ways to make connections. If asking your kids how to proceed doesn’t appeal to you, then this article should help.

GETTING STARTED

1,500 dating sites on the world wide web. Most of the bigger sites also have their own apps for smart phones and iPads.

While biggies like Match.com and eHarmony.com boast the biggest dating pools, sites such as Silver Singles.com and OurTime.com are devoted solely to mature daters. There are also sites for practically any specific interest, be it religion (ChristianMingle.com and Jdate. com for Jewish singles) to pages devoted to farmers, clowns and even vampires.

A few sites are free to use; others require payment. Some apps let you test the waters by allowing you to view prospective matches at no charge. However, you’ll have to pay if you want to actually talk to these singles.

A three-month subscription to Match.com will cost you around $32 per month. As with most dating apps, if you commit to more time, the fee lessens.

Some singles believe the paying sites help separate the wheat from the chaff, but others have had luck with the free ones.

Mature daters share their cyber romance tips

PROFILE TIPS Once you’ve chosen a site (or two), you’ll be asked to answer some questions for your profile about yourself and what you’re looking for in a mate.

no charge. However, you’ll have to pay if you want to actually talk to

A three-month subscription to Retirees Joe and Jennifer MarRetirees Joe and Jennifer MarMatch.com will cost you around cotte, both 74, met on the free site Plenty of Fish 12 years ago. They had an immediate attraction, but Joe said the women he met before Jennifer were anything but catches. One thing, he noted, was that their profiles didn’t sound original. “So many gals said they ‘like long walks on a sandy beach.’ That’s nice, but I live in Colorado,” said Joe. “Another big one was, ‘I want someone who is interested in traveling.’ I need more depth than that. That has nothing to do with a relationship.”

Retirees Joe and Jennifer Marcotte met on the free site, Plenty of Fish (www.pof.com) when they were both 62. Now, they’re celebrating 11 years of marriage.

YOU WILL BE REJECTED AND MUST, AT TIMES, REJECT OTHERS.

USE A NEW PICTURE FINAL THOUGHTS

Despite the pitfalls of cyber romance, Jennifer says it was an effective way to meet eligible interested singles. For her it was successful, as it eventually led her to Joe. They’ve been married for 11 years.

But you must be brave, she warned.

“If you’re retiring and afraid of going outside your comfort zone, online dating is not for you,” Jennifer said.

Her final advice to anyone embarking on internet intrigue?

“It’s fun to read profiles,” she said. “Don’t make it so serious.” ■

Popular dating sites

(also available as smart phone apps)

� Match.com � OurTime.com (Match’s site for mature dating) � eHarmony.com � OkCupid.com � SilverSingles.com (for mature daters) � Plenty of Fish (pof.com) � LoveBeginsAt.com (designed for ages 40+) � Hinge.co (app only) � Bumble (app only)

Divorcee and pilot Larry Laxson, 68, said there were several times he met dates at a restaurant and didn’t even recognize them from their profile photo.

“Their pictures must have been at least 15 years old,” he said.

Joe recalled meeting a woman at a diner after reading her profile, where she said she was remodeling her house. He got the impression that she was vigorous and industrious. She entered the diner using a walker and looked nothing like her picture.

KNOW WHAT YOU WANT

Give serious thought about what kind of relationship you want, the type of person you’re looking for and what behaviors or viewpoints are unacceptable. If you want to get married, make that clear, Joe advised. If you truly just want an occasional dinner, say so.

“So many gals said they were interested in dating but within two minutes of meeting them, it was obvious they wanted a partner and father for their children. And I was guilty of the same thing,” he admitted.

Although he posted that he was just interested in dating, Joe eventually realized he wanted a deeper connection.

“I asked myself, do I really want to spend my time with a gal who just wants to drink and eat? Is that really what I want?” he asked.

THICKEN YOUR SKIN

You will be rejected and must, at times, reject others.

Amy Brooks rejected quite a few would-be suitors on eHarmony, but tried to do so with kindness and tact. Recently, she agreed to go on a date with a man but backed out when he suggested they play “ding dong ditch” for an evening out.

Divorced mother and singer Miriam Roth, 52, saw an ugly side to online dating apps and says she probably won’t use them again.

“Sometimes when you say no to a person, they get vile,” said Roth, who after refusing to go out with a man, was verbally assaulted by him.

She also received unsolicited nude pictures.

Ageism was also rampant.

“Men in my age range also don’t want to date women in my age range,” Roth acknowledged. “Fiftyyear-old men want to date 30-yearold women.”

Brooks, too, has given up on online dating. She met some nice men and dated a few seriously. But the moment she turned 60, her page went cold and the messages stopped coming in.

ONLINE DATING SAFETY TIPS

By Mary Boylan

VET THE CANDIDATES

Be prepared to spend some time weeding out the fakers and scammers. As online dating has increased in popularity, so has the number of sketchy characters. Be careful and don’t rule out running a background check, if need be. If you have doubts, check it out or step away. Trust your instincts.

USE THE BLOCK BUTTON

Dating sites make it easy for people to get to know one another, so get out there and work it, baby! You can flirt, like, wink, show interest, favorite and give a photo a thumbs up. You can text or talk anonymously, or you can peruse profiles without anyone knowing. Be proactive, but don’t be annoying. Don’t hesitate to block flirt harassers.

EMAIL AND PHONE FIRST

Keep your communication to the dating platform, or exchange some emails and talk on the phone a couple of times before going on a date. During these preliminary exchanges, red flags might pop up or deal breakers might be revealed.

BEWARE OF CATFISHERS

But on the flip side, don’t drag out communication too long. If someone hesitates to meet, it might be a setup for catfishing (when someone uses a fake identity to take advantage of another). If someone refuses to meet, move on.

NEVER SEND MONEY

Never send money, especially over wire transfer, even if the person claims to be in an emergency. Never share information that could be used to access your financial accounts. If another user asks you for money, report it to the dating site immediately.