OUTSIDE

BY ANNSEL MAGNO

Dear Diary,

It had been a while since the last time I had written to you, but things are just very complicated because of a virus. I know it is absurd because it sounds like a concept from a sci-fi movie but here we are. In the back of my head, I already knew that the virus would be a threat however I didn’t expect it to progress this rapidly. A lot of our school activities were canceled, including our final exams (which I don’t know if it is a good thing or not). But on the positive side, I will use this opportunity to spend time with myself. I think that I would try to learn a new skill or maybe work out. But before anything else, I will have to rest to be healthy and because I think that I deserve one. Either way, I will use this time to invest in myself, to be more productive, and to take care of my health. I will write to you every once in a while.

- Cathy

Dear Diary, I am sorry for keeping thoughts from you but I will now come clean, ever since this lockdown started, I was filled with anxiety. As you know, in four years, I should be graduating because not doing so means that our family would not make ends meet and I don’t want that. I’m tired of living in poverty. If education is the way out, then I want a ticket. With this pandemic, I thought that I would delay it; however, our school will be implementing online classes. The only problem that I have is that I don’t own a laptop and we don’t have a stable internet connection. I spoke with mama about this matter and she said that she would be using our savings. Our financial situation became worse however I still have the hope that everything would return to normal once this pandemic would end. I will write to you every once in a while.

- Cathy

Dear Diary, I know that it had been two months since I last wrote to you but please hear me out. I am very exhausted...I am tired of this ruthless cycle of studying and surviving. I am not even sure if compromised learning would be worth it. I am tired of hearing my parents argue every single day about our finances. I am confused on which to prioritize; my family or my studies. I am tired of pretending that everything is under control because honestly, everything just doesn’t seem to make sense. Maybe I just need to go out and see the world outside the four corners of our house. Maybe I need the affection and validation I receive from my friends. If only I could go out… I will write if I have time.

- Cathy

Dear Diary, It’s been a while since I have written to you but I am just delighted with joy right now. Remember, when I mentioned that I want to go out to keep my sanity? Well… yesterday, my best friend, Tony, and I went to dine outside. Since we are currently on our break, we agreed that this time would be the best time to do that. It felt nostalgic, since I spent almost half the year inside our house, the world outside is like a new world! Although my mom did not agree for me to go outside... but, I think that it was worth it. I was very happy when I finally reconnected and saw my friend physically, not just on the screen. I think that I am recharged and inspired to learn and to do my tasks as a student and as a daughter. I will write to you every once in a while.

- Cathy

Dear Diary,

It had been a week since I wrote to you but I woke up hearing terrible news this morning. Tony was diagnosed with COVID-19. She is okay though, she is recovering but I and my family would also be quarantined since I had direct contact with an infected patient. My mom was very furious because being on quarantine means not being able to work and my parents are daily wage earners. Although I am isolated, I could still hear their hateful remarks about me and what I did. I know it was wrong to go out without my mom’s permission, but I needed to go out to keep my sanity. And since I am isolated, the feeling of loneliness, remorse, guilt, sadness, and anxiety continue to creep out in my mind. It felt like the sanity I gained from going out was lost in an instant. I will have to take the COVID-19 test after a week and the results will be out a week after I will be tested. If it comes out negative, then the lockdown will be lifted. I don’t know if I should blame myself for it, but regretting the decision I made is something that I am sure of. I will write if l have time.

- Cathy

Dear Diary,

I know you might be fed with all my dilemmas but, you’re the only one that I got left so please bear with me. It had been two weeks since my friend was diagnosed with COVID-19. I should be tested a week ago… but I wasn’t. My parents continued to contact our Barangay but to no avail. They always told us to be patient and to wait. Our food supply is running out. Although we could ask for our neighbors a favor to buy us some groceries, however, we are short on our finances brought by being quarantined. I also wasn’t able to attend my online classes since we could no longer afford the data connection. What I am most afraid of is that I might lose my scholarship. With just a single mistake, my whole future will be in jeopardy. I still am regretting that decision, I should’ve just suffered than watching everything that I worked hard for just fall apart… I just want this to end.

- Cathy

Dear Diary,

It had been almost a month since I last wrote. Well…I was tested, and the results came back negative. I know I should be happy however it’s too late, the damage has been done. I found out that Tony was with her boyfriend after we ate outside. Apparently, he already had symptoms of the virus and told her not to meet but she still insisted on doing so. That was not the reason I was mad at her though, it was because she did not even bother telling this to me! I could have had a chance to avoid the lockdown and not suffer its effects. The lockdown was lifted and my parents can now work again. However, I failed almost all my subjects and my scholarship was withdrawn from me; my future went with what I thought was a relief from my sufferings that turned out to be a curse. I still haven’t told my parents about the scholarship… and I don’t know-how. This is probably the last time I will write to you since all my hopes have disappeared. I know that negative COVID-19 results should be worth celebrating but what purpose would the grass have if the horse is already dead. Anyway, I might write if what I will have to write will eventually be on the positive side, however, it’s a goodbye for now.

- Cathy