Herding Goofballs

BY JOSH FARNSWORTH ILLUSTRATION BY KIRA BEAUDOIN

As a parent, it’s the Analysis: Statistics have yet to ultimate brag, right? show if foam weapons can curb The crème’ de la braggy crime, but maybe a fun afternoon crème. with these toys can bring people

Imagine your child as President together and forget about turning of the United States. Oh, the to a life of crime. annoying amount of stories you will tell everyone for the rest of Foreign policy your life. How would you work with other

It’s a projection we all float out countries? there for our kids. We want them Cooper: I would take over the to know they can be anything other countries and boss them if they work hard and set their around. That way we can all minds to it. This job, however, work together. comes with its fair share of Milo: It would not be fair to other hurdles to clear, but it’s a fun one countries to boss them around, to think about. Cooper!

The qualifying age for this job Analysis: Whoa, whoa Coop, is 35, which puts my oldest on a maybe a tad too aggressive. If trajectory for the 2048 election running against each other, this cycle, while my youngest will would make for a very interesting have to wait until 2052. Plenty of debate topic to sink our teeth time to preorder the lawn signs into. Not sure how I feel about and bumper stickers. strong-arming Belgium into a

But with so much animosity single policy, but the heart is all and tension with our two-party there. I promise it is, Belgium. system, maybe we consider them right now for a write-in campaign. Party affiliation You’ll need to know where they Cooper: The President’s Party stand on many of the important Milo: Iron Man Party issues of the day. Analysis: Cooper’s party name

So, I asked them. is a little on the nose, but the

May I present to you, your marketing writes itself. As for alternate candidates’ platforms… Milo, just go ahead and vote First 100 Days an American. He dares you! As president, what would be your first decision? Health care Cooper: I would buy a dog and What is the most important thing take it to love at the White House. about the health of Americans? Milo: I would want to learn about Cooper: If they get sick, take care the states. of them. Analysis: I think a dog brings a Milo: Call the doctors and tell certain sense of stateliness and them to please take care of responsibility. Nice way to set people who get sick. a tone. As for the states, we all Analysis: Isn’t it nice when two need to know who we govern, candidates can directly agree on right? Let’s figure out Montana a an issue? Sometimes the answers little more, am I right? are simpler than we make them

Cooper: Lots of Nerf guns for Economy everyone. What would you do to make sure Milo: Yeah, what Cooper said. the economy is working well? Cooper: Buy 151 video games for everyone! Milo: Have everyone eat together and then have a pie fight! Analysis: Going to think all the video game companies are going to be voting Cooper big time in 2048. Smells like a special interest group to me (Super PACMAN?). I do believe breaking bread together more often would help mend relationships. When you start throwing baked goods, though, lots of good will be going ‘splat’. Fun times, though.

Cooper: I want to make sure kids learn about things like slime, how to raise the Titanic and stuff like that. Milo: Have the kids learn about the states. Analysis: I have to say that a pro-slime, pro-doomed-ships platform shows some range in terms of exploring science and history. And yes, if you cannot guess by now, my youngest is very interested in what states are, what they are called and onward. It will be in his talking points for sure.

If truth be told, answers from 4- and 7-year-olds will be honest more than anything else.

Maybe they won’t get enough votes by the time the election is finalized this November. That said, they are two of the millions upon millions who will inherit positions of leadership over the following generations.

That means me, as a parent, modeling as much honesty, character and taking responsibility from now until Election Day will be crucial - presidential bid or not.

To Cooper and Milo: if you fall short of this job, no worries. If you develop honesty, character and responsibility, you will become leaders.

And that is something to brag about.

To my readers: Didn’t like what these candidates had to offer? First, how dare you! Secondly, get out there and vote this time and next time and every other time. After all, one vote may be the difference between a slime-filled curriculum with unexpected pies in your face and what you want.

Vote Farnsworth 2048 and 2052. I’ll have the lawn signs ready.

Josh Farnsworth is a husband, father of goofballs Cooper and Milo, goofball himself, and awardwinning writer and columnist living in Worcester. He can be reached for column ideas at josh. farnsworth@ yahoo.com.