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UMassMemorial Medical Center
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decades earlier with comments or criticisms from childhood or by holding oneself to an unrealistic standard in the present day. The ongoing self-criticism is so stark, Flaxington says she often hears the following from clients: “The things I say to myself I would never voice to another human being.” “Especially with parents, there’s so much going on outside of us: the kids have demands, our spouse may have demands, our mother and mother-in-law, or schools. There’s so many things that are going on outside of us that we often lose sight of the conversations that are actually going on inside of our heads,” she notes. The result can be an unrelenting commentary that flares when anxiety is high, exactly the time when a person needs the most energy and confidence — in everyday life or busy times such as the holidays. Combating this unconscious energy drain is, in theory, as simple as catching oneself in the act and reframing those negative thoughts. “The fascinating thing about this is if you can just catch yourself a couple times during the day, stop and see this in action, you start to get some energy back,” says Flaxington, who lives in Walpole with her husband and children ages 18, 15 and 11. “If you could even do it once or twice, it does make that difference. The other 99 times you might not catch it, but that’s OK because you start to be more aware of it.” When feeling down on oneself, she advises looking at negative thoughts in a clinical, neutral way. “It really is storytelling, it’s not about pretending everything is great,” she notes. For example, if your child — toddler to teen — is throwing a fit,
Flaxington recommends viewing the situation through a clinic eye. Instead of getting down on yourself for the issue at hand, think: “You know what? The truth is parenting isn’t the easiest job and sometimes it is tough to make the right choices, but I’m a smart person. I’m gonna figure it out and I’m gonna do my best in this moment,” Flaxington says. “If you can just catch yourself there is a shift that takes place that is so powerful,” she adds. “An hour later, might you be back to beating up on yourself? Yes, you might. But if you can just start to get those glimpses, you do then start to develop a new habit. It does get easier. [Self-talk] is just about getting back to some neutral point so we have the strength that we need to deal with everything.” Flaxington says curbing negative self-talk provides a mental and emotional boost in the moment, one that also provides a sharper focus to assess the situation at hand. “My teenager is mouthing off. I may immediately think, This child is rude. I am a terrible parent. I’ve done everything wrong. My reaction is probably going to be yelling at this child, speaking sharply,” she notes. “[Self-talk] gives me the chance to say, ‘What do I really want to do in this moment?’ “It’s very hard for us to take care of others if we aren’t taking care of ourselves,” she adds. “This is something you can do for yourself right there in the moment, several times throughout the day, that gives you that clarity of focus, the energy to be able to deal with the things that are coming your way. The ability to be the caretaker can only go as long as you are taking care of yourself.”
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