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Scientists create sex robot with very basic personality - Paris Hilton sues for copyright infringement: Science, Page 14 Monday 8th February 2010 Volume 11 Issue 9


University of Bath student newspaper

Looks like impact went a little too far this time...

Housing law changes to cut number of ‘student ghettos’ A new Government policy will require landlords to gain planning permission before letting houses to more than three people from different families. Housing and Planning Minister John Healey announced the change on January 27th, which is intended to reduce the growth in the number of student houses. The rule won’t apply to properties which are already rented by multiple occupants. •

See page 2 for more housing news

Blair gives evidence to Chilcot Inquiry On January 29th, Tony Blair gave evidence in front of the inquiry into the Iraq war. During a six hour appearance, he claimed to have “no regrets”, and insisted no deal had been made committing Britain to the invasion before the decision had been approved by Parliament. •

Staff and Student Photo Competition: see the ICIA and PhotoSoc shortlist exclusively in impact Entertainments, Page 23.

Uni employee offered forged degrees for sexual favours • Recruited volunteers for a “pain management study” • Used them to fulfil his ‘spanking fetish’ Former University of Bath Registrar Karl Woodgett has been given a nine month suspended sentence and been ordered to do two hundred hours community service for forging University d e g re e c e r t i f i c a t e s , w h i c h h e offered to women in return for sexual favours. Having volunteered for a ‘pain management study’, Elsie Neh and Mbone Kemba were led to a hotel room, where Mr Woodgett filmed

himself spanking and caning them, after which he offered them forged degree certificates as payment.

“He is not coming home today. He has had a horrible day and an awful year” - Mr Woodgett’s mother Following this incident, Mr Woodgett developed plans to sell fake certificates for up to £1,000. He logged into the University

of Bath network on a colleague’s account, and added names to a database of people due to be awarded degrees, and then obtained blank certificates by telling colleagues he was reviewing the degree-printing process. Using these, Mr Woodgett made degrees for his partner Delphine Kah’s mother, stepfather and sisters. He was fired when the University became aware of the forgeries. Sentencing, Judge David

Ticehurst said ‘’This was a clear breach of trust... It goes to the root of what universities are about and if they have administrators such as you who are prepared to falsify

See page 11 for Editor Tim Leigh’s analysis of Blair’s appearance

US - China relations strained A diplomatic row broke out last week over US plans to sell arms to Taiwan, which China considers a part of its territory. •

See page 4 for our forghtnightly world news round-up

Unveiling of Student Centre plans


Plans for the long-awaited new Student Centre are being unveiled in Elements on Tuesday. The exhibition will showcase illustrations of how the centre will l0ok, followed by a Q&A session with the firm responsible for the building work.

documents then the whole point of that purpose is undermined.”

Amount he planned to charge for a master’s degree with distinction

In impact this week... Be Ashamed

Be Afraid

Smell Funny




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See page 3 for the full story




Monday 8th February 2010 IMPACT

Students to be exiled?

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• Lib Dems plan to relocate students

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B ath ’ s L iberal D e m o c r a t Councillors are considering a controversial plan to relocate first and third year students in Bath from houses in town to purposebuilt student accommodation or back to campus. Since the Chronicle broke the story two weeks ago, it has been a controversial talking point, though confusion reigns as to the exact nature of the proposal. The Chronicle reported that the plan was “to force all first and final year students at the city’s universities to live on campus or in purpose built accommodation.” When we asked Don Foster, he claimed not to have heard of any such proposal. He did admit, though, that Bath has “a significant shortage of overnment 20,000 Gtarget for housebuilding in Bath affordable residential properties”, adding that “as student numbers at both Bath University and Bath Spa University increase, it makes sense to seek to provide additional purpose build [sic] student accommodation on both campuses and within the city.” Oldfield Park Councillor Will Sandry clarified the situation, explaining that “the proposals are not about forcing students to live anywhere”. Rather, they involve “mak[ing] it easier for the universities to build accommodation on campus.” SU President Daniel O’Toole also objected to use of the word ‘force’, arguing that, while the proposal was “a step in the right direction” the use of such language “doesn’t really help the fragile town/gown relationship”. However, impact can find no

evidence to connect the Lib Dems to the use of the word ‘force’. We located the source of the Chronicle’s f r o n t - p a g e s t o ry , a n o b s c u re

“All first year and final year undergraduate students at our two universities should be housed on campus or in purpose-built student accommodation off-campus” - Lib Dem policy document Lib Dem document suggesting that “all first year and final year undergraduate students at our two universities should be housed on campus or in purpose-built student accommodation off-campus”. It’s not immediately clear how this would be achieved, but the document hints that landlords of HMOs, which are often occupied by students, should be given “incentives” to start renting to families. Offering ‘incentives’ is about all the council could do to remove students: HMOs must be licensed, and these

“It would be a long time before it could possibly be passed, if indeed it could be. This would also require both universities to agree...” - Felicity Crump, who first broke the story licenses last five years. They cannot be withdrawn without good reason, so if B&NES wished to force students out, the most aggressive policy they could enact would be to refuse to offer any more licenses, and not renew existing ones when they expire. Even this relatively mild move does not look likely in the near future; Don

Students’ Union VP Communications Ben Cole 01225 386679

Advertising Enquires Helen Freeman 01225 386806

Information The opinions expressed in i m p a c t a r e not necessarily t h o s e o f t h e impact editors n o r of the University of Bath Students’ Union. Whilst every effort is made to ensure that the information contained in this publication is correct and accurate at the time of going to print, the publisher cannot accept any liability for information which is later altered or incorrect. impact as a publication adheres to the Press Complaints Commission’s Code of Conduct. Please contact them for any information. Printed by Harmsworth Press Ltd.

BATH: would it be better off without students?

Foster told impact that any plan to forcibly remove students would be unworkable. Additionally, as Councillor Roger Symonds pointed out in a letter to the Chronicle, the Lib Dem document relates to a long term planning strategy with a timescale of about twenty years, so immediate action is unlikely. Thus, current students have no reason to worry, as the writer of the Chronicle article, Felicity Crump, acknowledges; she wrote to one concerned student that “as clearly stated in the article this is simply a proposal put forward by the Lib Dems and in no way say’s [sic] it would happen. They think it is a good way to free-up homes in the city but there are no concrete plans to force anyone anywhere - merely suggestions.” In a further email to said student, Ms Crump added that “nothing has been put to the council and before it is both universities would have to build more accommodation to make room for everyone. At the moment it is just an idea which has been suggested by the Lib Dems and it would be a long time before it could possibly be passed, if indeed it could be. This would also require both universities to agree and find land on which they could build.” As far as we can tell, there is little or no substance to the allegation that students will be ‘forced’ out of town; the proposal, still in the very early stages, seems to be simply suggesting that more houses be built on campus and in town, and students encouraged to move into them. If this plan is eventually enacted, it will not be for some years, and not without the consent and co-operation of both the city’s universities.


Monday 8th February 2010

News in brief Work to begin on new Student Centre Gown

The tenth annual Student Volunteering Week will begin on February 22nd. Events and talks will be given on campus daily, providing information and advice on charity work and volunteering, including talks by Susan Johnson and Severine Deneulin on doing volunteer work in developing countries. Full details can be found at http://www.bathstudent. com/sorted/.

• Project is a response to student demand • To be finished by September 20th Building work on the new student centre is due to begin on February 15th. The building, to be situated by the Founders Sports Hall, will feature a new café and a ‘Chill-Out Area’ with sofas and Sun-Ray computers. The building works will also involve modifications to Elements and Plug, including a larger kitchen area, which will allow them to expand the range of food available. As part of the plans, the Parade will be extended and widened towards the bus stop, and a bridge will be built from there over the road to the East Car Park. Building work will be in two stages, the first of which will involve the erection of steel foundations and

to be finished around September 20th, shortly before the beginning of Freshers’ Week 2010. This stage will also involve a thorough refurbishment of Norwood House, and will require the SU building to be empty. As a result, it is possible that the SU shop and the Terrace cafe will be closed for the last two weeks of Summer Term. The project is being funded by £5.5 million of University money, with

an extra £400,000 provided by the Students’ Union, as a direct result of student demands for more social space, both via the Student Opinion Survey, and less formal channels, such as Facebook. VP Communications Ben Cole explained to impact that “all of our research has shown that students want more social space”; Ian Robertson, who is overseeing the project, added that “3,500 people



signed up to a Facebook group, which we think was pretty powerful”. As the environment is one of the SU’s priorities, it is being ensured that the building will have a “high environmental rating”, “high levels of insulation”, and be energy efficient. An information session will be held


Budget for the project

on the Tuesday of Refresh week, during which students will be able to question those involved in the project.

“It feels like some sort of military campaign” Bath psychology students are being invited to attend a lecture which will take place in the virtual world Second Life. Dr Jeff Gavin was granted money by the Teaching Development Fund to buy land and rooms on the website. This is apparently more than a publicity stunt; being ‘immersed’ in a virtual world will help students advance on their cyberpsychology unit by allowing them to “critically reflect upon how psychological theory relates to their online experiences”, according to Dr Mark Brosnan. A public lecture on Wednesday will examine the influence of Spain on legendary Russian composer Igor Stravinsky. City University lecturer Graham Griffiths will give the talk, part of a lecture series running this term which will include a talk by Prof Ian James on the topic “Climate Change: Challenge or Swindle?”

Town The General Medical Council has concluded a two and a half year inquiry into the activities of Bath expatriate Andrew Wakefield, the man responsible for the media’s 1998 MMR scare. The GMC condemned his methods of data-gathering, including paying children at his son’s birthday party £5 to provide blood samples, and found he had acted “dishonestly and irresponsibly”, and “failed in his duties as a responsible consultant”. Herbie’s chip shop on Moreland road was briefly on fire during the evening of January 27th. As a precaution, the road was closed by police, and Sainsbury’s local was evacuated. The fire began in one of the deep-fryers, and was initially minor, until a staff member threw water on it in an attempt to extinguish the blaze. No one was hurt.

- Ian Robertson, on the challenges of organizing the project the basic structure of the building. This is scheduled to be finished by the end of the Easter holidays, but if it isn’t, work will be suspended for the duration of the exam period. Part of the road under the Parade will be temporarily closed during this stage. Stage two of the plan will begin on June 7th, and it is expected

CHILL-OUT AREA: as imagined by a computer

Academic news • Nominate staff for teaching awards • National Student Survey launched

Teaching awards Nominations have opened for the University of Bath Teaching Awards, which recognise significant contributions by staff to the academic lives of students. There are four awards covering a range of areas including curriculum design, content, delivery, pastoral support, leadership and research. The deadline for nominations is Friday 12th March 2010. Undergraduate and postgraduate students are encouraged to submit their nominations for these awards; these need to be any more than a few points demonstrating why a particular member of staff is deserving of recognition.


Prize money for each teaching award

Staff who have been nominated in the past have commented on how much being nominated means to them, even if they do not win, and the University is keen to know what students think and to demonstrate how seriously teaching is taken. There are four different teaching awards. The Innovation in Learning and Teaching Award is awarded to a member of staff who makes a significant contribution to innovation

in curriculum design, content or delivery; this is open to all members of teaching and learning support staff. The John Willis Award recognises accomplishment in research combined with a significant contribution to teaching, including to pastoral support of students; this is open for staff who have occupied an academic post for less than ten years. The Mary Tasker Award recognises excellence in teaching and is open to all members of teaching staff. The Leadership in Learning and Teaching Award recognises exceptional examples of leadership in learning and teaching, and is open to all members of staff who teach or support learning. Further details about these awards including criteria, past winners and nomination forms are available at:

index.html To submit a nomination, or for further information, students should contact Georgina Eggleston, Secretary to the Awards Committee, at

Student survey This year the National Student Survey (NSS) is being launched at the University of Bath on Monday 8th February. The NSS is an annual survey which started in 2005 and is carried out at all universities in the UK on behalf of the National Union of Students (NUS). The survey, which is exclusively for final year undergraduates, is an opportunity to give feedback on the good and bad aspects of degree courses. The NSS covers all aspects of courses, including learning and teaching, assessment and feedback, academic support, and overall satisfaction. The results will be made available on to enable prospective students to make an informed choice

TEACHING AWARDS: a selection of previous winners

about where they want to study, and are also used by the University and the Students’ Union to improve the quality of the student experience. Departments with low student satisfaction scores are asked to draw up action plans on how they will improve their scores. This is usually done with input from academic reps at Student/Staff Liaison Committee meetings. NSS results inform various university league tables. In order for a university to perform well in league tables it helps to have a high level of student satisfaction.

“If you could change one specific thing about your course or academic department, what would it be?” - A typical question Consequentially NSS results are taken seriously, and to have a breadth of student feedback through this is important for the University. Previous NSS feedback has led to improved rules on how Student/ Staff Liaison Committees are run to strengthen the ‘Student Voice’. An annual report has been introduced, written by the Students’ Union, summarising the key academic issues from across these committees so that the University and Union can deal with the issues and concerns raised by students. The personal tutorial system has been reviewed to enhance the support given to students on taught programmes, both academically and personally, through a personalised point of contact with the University. The new system will assist new students with the transition to university life.


News Haiti devastated by earthquake

• 7Mw quake hits sixteen miles from capital Port-au-Prince. • Global relief effort provides billions of dollars in aid and supplies. An earthquake of magnitude 7Mw struck Haiti on January 12th. The epicentre was about 16 miles from the capital, Port-au-Prince. Fifty-two aftershocks were recorded, with one of magnitude 5.9Mw striking eight days after the original event.

“For a country and a people who are no strangers to hardship and suffering, this tragedy seems especially cruel and incomprehensible”

- Barack Obama

The earthquake and its aftershocks claimed at least 150,000 lives, and left up to two million Haitians homeless. Buildings and infrastructure, already insufficient in the impoverished Caribbean country, suffered severe damage. The crisis provoked an almost immediate response from international aid organisations, governments, and the public, with billions of dollars in aid being sent, as well as emergency supplies of food and medicines. The total aid sent to Haiti is estimated to be over $1bn, though the country has still struggled with a lack of doctors; it was reported that up to 20,000 preventable deaths occurred each day following the disaster because of this. Fears were also raised about health conditions for the estimated 370,000 people living in refugee camps. While most aid was appreciated, some aired suspicions about the large US military contingent; the arrival of twenty thousand troops with the

ostensible mission of keeping the peace was interpreted by some as an ‘invasion’; French minister Alain Joyandet complained that “this is about helping Haiti, not about occupying Haiti.” Concerns were also raised about Haiti’s international debt, which stands at $890 million, almost as much as they have received in aid from governments. Oxfam International’s executive director Jeremy Hobbs argued that “expecting Haiti to repay billions of dollars as the country struggles to overcome one of

OBAMA AND HU: Talking during the G20 summit in Pittsburgh last year.

“The devastation here is on a scale I have not seen before” - Paul McMaster, surgeon for Médecins Sans Frontières. ever, in the far foreseeable future, be able to repay”. She spoke of debt relief as “feasible...we are looking at [it]”. This would be a rare piece of

good news for the country, which, even before the earthquake, was the poorest in the Western hemisphere, with “80% of the population living under the poverty line and 54% in abject poverty”, according to the CIA. While the economy had been improving recently, and “registering positive growth since 2005”, this trend halted when “four tropical storms in 2008 severely damaged the transportation infrastructure and agricultural sector.” The weak infrastructure hampered search and rescue operations, which were officially suspended on Jan 23rd, though survivors were still being found days later. The relief effort is still ongoing, and it seems it will be a long time before Haiti’s recovery is complete.

HAITI’S EARTHQUAKES: The recent disaster is the fourth major earthquake to hit Haiti, though in 1946 the country felt the effects of a magnitude 8 earthquake which occured in neighbouring Domincan Republic.

World news in brief Beijing, China: US plans to sell $6.4 billion of arms to Taiwan have caused diplomatic tensions with China, which threatened “serious repercussions”. China’s Vice-Foreign Minister He Yafei described the move as a “rude interference in China’s internal affairs, severely endangering [its] national security”. Hu Jintao’s government refuses to recognise Taiwan as an independent country, considering it a part of China. The legal status of Taiwan is a matter of some confusion: it is not recognised by the UN; numerous appeals for membership have all been rejected.

the worst natural disasters in recent memory would be both cruel and unnecessary.” US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton commented; “it’s just unrealistic to think that Haiti would

Monday 8th February 2010 IMPACT

Washington DC, USA: President Obama gave his first State of the Union address on Jan 27th, in which he pledged to freeze spending on domestic programs (not including defence and health), revoke the military’s ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy on homosexuality, and subject lobbyists and ‘pork-barreling’ senators to greater public scrutiny. He also made it clear he intends to press ahead with health-care reform, despite the loss of Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat, which means they no longer have the 60% majority which allowed them to prevent filibusters. Cornish,NH, USA: J.D. Salinger, author of The Catcher in the Rye, died of natural causes on January 27th, aged 91. A notorious recluse, Salinger was rarely seen in public, and in his last interview, given via telephone in 1974, he claimed to enjoy writing but not publishing his books. His death raises the possibility that his collection of up to fifteen unpublished manuscripts will become available. Radical historian and WWII veteran Howard Zinn died on the same day aged 87.

Beirut, Lebanon: On January 25th, a passenger plane crashed into the Mediterranean sea. The half-full Ethiopian Airlines Flight took off in violent storms. Following reports of a “flash in the sky”, it has been suggested the plane was hit by lightning. The Lebanese Government have ruled out ‘foul play’, and are waiting until the black-box recorders are discovered before they make any further conclusions. All 90 passengers and crew are presumed dead. Kotte, Sri Lanka: Incumbent Mahinda Rajapaksa has been elected President for a second term, following the country’s first election since the end of a twenty-five year civil war. Concerns of fraud were raised: the defeated candidade, Sarath Fonseka, wrote to the country’s Elections Commission, arguing that “President Rajapaksa’s election campaign has made great use of state resources. “Further, there have been threats, intimidation and accusations levelled against me. Many of my supporters were intimidated. “The government engaged in a

campaign abusing state media and state resources to accuse me of being a foreign agent and a traitor. “Further, 10 security force personnel provided to me as a result of serious threats to my life were withdrawn.” On February 3rd, it was reported that thirty seven people had been detained over a plot to assassinate the President. Tehran, Iran: Two men have been executed following their conviction for being “enemies of God”, and trying to overthrow the Islamic regime. Amnesty International condemned the execution, saying “These men were first unfairly convicted and now they have been unjustly killed. “It is not even clear they had links to [API, an illegal protest group] as their ‘confessions’ appear to have been made under duress.” The two men were among at least five hundred people who have been arrested for their involvement in the wave of protests which swept the country following Iran’s 2009 Election, which was widely seen as fraudulent.

Haiti’s troubled history 1492: Columbus arrives and establishes a colony, almost wiping out the indigenous population in the process. 1659: The French take over the eastern half of the island, naming it Saint-Domingue. Plantations in the colony become a major destination for African slaves. 1791: A slave rebellion begins, which evolved into the Haitian Revolution. Following twelve years of conflict, Haiti abolished slavery, and, after expelling the white colonisers, became the first black republic in the Americas. 1843: Long-serving President Jean-Pierre Boyer is removed from power; a period marked by corruption and instability follows. 1915: The US occupies Haiti, becoming de facto rulers for nineteen years. 1957: François Duvalier elected President, and consolidates his power with large-scale repression. His rule is seen as “one of the most corrupt and repressive in modern history”. 1 9 7 1 : Duvalier dies, and is replaced by his son, who rules for a further fifteen years in a similar style. His death brings on a period of instability, featuring bouts of military rule. 2004: A popular uprising forces president Jean-Bertrand Aristide into exile. A subsequent investigation found evidence of widespread corruption within his government. Since the uprising the UN has maintained a military presence to keep peace. Haiti is ranked by Freedom House as Partly Free, and the next election is scheduled for 2011. Jos, Nigeria: Riots between Christians and Muslims have left over 200 dead. In response to the violence, the military imposed a 24-hour curfew, which has since been relaxed. A similar spate of violence erupted in the region two years ago in response to a disputed election. Nigeria is currently experiencing a ‘power vacuum’, as its President, Umaru Yar’Adua, has been missing since November 23rd, and is possibly receiving medical treatment in Saudi Arabia.

Yar’Adua: Still missing.


Monday 8th February 2010 IMPACT

Features My quest for true love The secret diary of a Josie Cox Deputy Editor When I’m bored, or procrastinating or insomnious, or waiting for the kettle to boil, the cookies to bake or the Yorkshires to rise, I often let my mind wander and ponder the philosophical questions to which I will never be able to come up with a rational answer which I can be certain is accurate. Think of Amélie - at the beginning of the film by the same name - her fleeting mind trying to fathom just how many people in Paris are experiencing an orgasm in that very moment. Romantic at heart, and intrigued by the endless schisms which divide and bond the sexes, I often let my mind drift into that department. Do opposites attract? Does love at first sight exist? And most commonly, how could I conquer a man’s heart? As I do in most situations in which I’m stuck for an answer, I resort to Google. was the first to jump at my question. “Men marry for convenience”, my cyber guru tells me. “Extra income, someone to do maid duty, chef duty, mom duties, and regular-booty-duty”, it adds. I’m

sceptical. Women on the other hand, “marry for love”. Something tells me that is a female, if not a feminist. is my next port of call. “True passionate sex can engulf a man’s heart and trigger a psychological effect, causing him to react in a loving and caring manner.” So, contrary to what I’ve always believed, the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach, but through sex? I like to think I have more faith in mankind. Next I’m drawn to a site called waystoseducea If nomen really est omen then I think I’m on to a winner. I read on: “Men... like to be in control, and feel that they are directing their lives. This is why they resist asking for directions, and always insist they know where they are going. A man will be attracted to a woman that he needs to go after himself, rather than one that throws herself at him. It gives him the feeling of being in control of his actions, rather then being pushed into something.” Did I ever say I wanted to conquer a man’s heart? You must have misunderstood me. I should get going and start writing about some real stuff.

Horoscope Madame Soufflé Greetings from the heavens my star children. I am Madame Soufflé and I will traverse the astral planes in order to guide you through the year. Fear not; for Madame Souffle will guide you through the darkest patches. Capricorn (22 Dec-20 Jan): Absence makes the heart grow fonder, unless your absences regularly coincide with local murders.

Cancer (22 June-22 July): Running a bath for your lover will show her your sensitive side: make it an acid bath, and you’ll get to see hers.

Aquarius (21 Jan-19 Feb): In the wise words of Britney Spears, “I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.”

Leo (23 July-22 Aug): Wilfred Owen might have thought ‘the old lie’ was ‘Dulce et decorum est’, but actually ‘it’s not how it looks, I’m just giving your dog a prostate exam’ is much older.

Pisces (20 Feb-20 March): You do romance about as well as Mr Blobby does funeral orations: he’s generally quite good, but tends to mispronounce exotic names. Aries (21 March-20 April): This week you’ll begin to feel the influence of the moon on your actions, mostly operating through gravity - you fat shit. Taurus (21 April-21 May): Romance is dead, and love is blind; paedophilia has just eaten some dodgy prawns, but is otherwise healthy. Gemini (22 May-21 June): Blood is thicker than water; thus, it’s great for watercolour painting.

Virgo (23 Aug-21 Sep): The devil makes work for idle hands. On the plus side, the hours are good, and there are hardly ever any union problems. Libra (22 Sep-22 Oct): This week’s theme: Ugli fruit. Next week’s: sexually attractive cucumber. The week after: major surgery. Scorpio (23 Oct-21 Nov): Nobody’s perfect. But they’re mostly better than you. Sagittarius (22 Nov- 21 Dec): Your dinner party may be ruined if you tell guests they’re eating human flesh. Reassuring them that it’s fresh, organic and locally sourced won’t help.


Via Donna Jenkins and Anni Kasari’s naughty minds. catching a bit of eye candy wherever we go, and let’s face it, those big winter coats don’t do anyone’s sex-life any favours. Girls, dare to bare your legs and guys, show off those toned torsos!


Springtime: sexytime! Did you wake up this morning feeling all excited? We did - for it is the first day of semester deux, and do you know what that means? It means no more exams, no more being stuck inside because of the Big Freeze, no more watching chick flicks and secretly hoping for Mr Darcy to come and rescue you. It is time to get out there and take the matters into your own hands: if you didn’t find the perfect boy or girlfriend in the autumn, now is your chance! It is officially Spring, the best season of all! Let the Sexperts tell you why that is...


Valentine’s Day

Yes, yes, we know you all claim to hate it, with the clichéd cards and

expensive dinners and the overall soppy commercialised feel of it. Nobody said it was really about buying things though – so why not go back to basics and do something which is really about love and caring and doesn’t depend on your bank balance? Boys, the best Valentine’s Day gift we could ever receive is you with nothing but a rose between your teeth...


The weather

The Big Freeze forced you to stay in under the duvet which was fun for a while, but now it’s time to get out and about. The love-o-meter is in sync with the thermometer, as the warm spring breeze makes us hornier and hornier by the day. Do us a favour and lose the layers! The Sexperts love

Outdoor fun

Oh yes, this season is all about exploration in the outdoors. Leave your underwear at home and enjoy the thrill of nearly getting caught... Bath hotspots for sexercise out in the fresh air include the all-time-favourite Vicky Park with a prestigious audience from the Royal Crescent, the golf course which provides a neatly-mown mattress for practicing those hole-inones and the Spa’s rooftop pool with breathtaking views.


Refresh week

Remember the time when you were drunk 24/7, your phone filled with new friends’ numbers and your bedpost got more notches than ever before? For some of you, it may not have been all that long ago, but even for the more mature students, that wild week still brings a cheeky smile to your faces. The first week of semester two is the perfect time to relive that promiscuity: organise a pub crawl with your friends and let your inner fresher loose... We can already hear the birds chirping: Let the primeval mating ceremonies begin!

The Chronicles of Siânia Episode 9: In which I salute you as my kings, chocolate biscuits!

Siân Anna Lewis Features Editor Before I get started on actual important things, can I just ask anybody who is 1. in love, 2. at all enchanted by Ann Summers red skimpy pants or fluffy crap from Clinton Cards, or 3. planning on snogging/holding hands with/stroking their significant other in my presence, to please go and live under a rock for a couple of weeks and leave me and all the other poor lonely masses alone. Thanks muchly. Now back to actual vital and pressing issues (not really, I’m just going to write down one of my slightly weirder thought processes for you, as usual. I hope you’re sitting on the edge of your seat). Ready? Yes? Okay. Food. Food is all I think about. I spend lectures and train journeys

and job interviews pondering what I want for lunch. I sit on the blue bus and fantasise that salmon steak will be on offer in Sainsbury’s Local. I eat boring food because I must (normally tomato soup because I’m a poor, poor student), and picture duck paté and truffles and mushy peas and my mum’s chocolate mousse and the pizza you get in Naples and the chorizo you can buy in the Spanish sierras instead. Oh man. I find it very, very sad when people have negative relationships with nosh. You know who you are, you girls who eat celery and wheatgerm for lunch and think grapes are a hedonistic indulgence. Yes, regularly eating fryups and calorific puddings makes us tend more towards Michelin Man than Ms Moss, but if you live off Ryvita and rice out of choice you miss out on one of the most pleasurable experiences a human can have. Think of taste and flavour (which in my experience are often tragically linked to butter, oil, sugar and salt) as dark and evil yet incredibly attractive mistresses. If you let them, they will destroy you in the manner of black widow spiders, you are doomed, but by Christ will you enjoy the experience. Aphrodisiacs aside, I definitely link food with sex

in my mind. Looking through a cookbook with shiny photos in it when you’re hungry is better than porn. Gastric orgasms (don’t laugh, you’ve been there, when you put a spoonful of some extremely girdle-busting dessert in your mouth and let out an involuntary high-pitched squeak of delight) are definitely approaching real ones in quality, but don’t tell any of my ex-boyfriends that. I understand wanting to be fit and healthy, and I’ve tried dieting in the past. Well, not dieting, but attepting to rein in the out-of-control stagecoach heading towards a cliff that is my consumption of chocolate biscuits. If you can achieve a healthy balance of exercise and limited treats (such as only eating one Rolo from a packet, for example. I have not found this happy medium of restraint) then fantastic. And yes, you’ll feel healthier if you only eat broccoli. You probably won’t pass out in culinary comas calling desperately for Rennies, like we do in my house when someone has made an enormous pie. You’ll fit into slinky dresses and look acceptable in hot pants. But be warned! You won’t be happy, and your life will be one desperate longing for a slice of birthday cake.

impact Monday 8th February 2010



Dying to be fashionable?

Style disasters of the decade

Georgina Cotton explores the scarily-skinny trend.

Hazell Moore knows a faux-pas when she sees one.

The world of fashion is a very fickle one indeed. But we already knew that. Members of its elite however, have the ability to consistently astonish with their amazingly senseless comments at a time when rates of both teenage and adult anorexia are soaring. Karl Lagerfeld (pictured above) is a man respected by many and disliked by roughly the same number of people. He successfully managed to re-spark the size zero debate with his recent announcement that people prefer to see skinny models on the catwalks. According to Mr. L, the only people who object to these walking skeletons are the ‘fat mummies’ who sit in front of the TV eating crisps (enemy count: +50 000). Now he may well have a point that these ‘fat mummies’ currently watching the X Factor in their jogging bottoms do probably feel a little undermined, even a little bitter, at the sight of such 6ft

tall, 24-inch waist creatures gracing the catwalks in dresses that cost more than your average house. But they’re only normal. Normality, clearly, is not what the world of fashion is about. We all know that, as head designer of the French label Chanel, Lagerfeld has a huge influence on international trends, but also on attitudes. The 71 year old ex-fatty has publicised the fact that he managed to lose 42kg after following a draconian diet. So, his female following all wonder in amazement, how on earth does he maintain his slim form at such an age? His response: “I eat next to nothing.” Encouraging. But he doesn’t stop there. Oh no. His book offers more useful tips on how to lose weight; in fact the blurb superficially states that, “if you attach no importance to weight problems, if not being able to wear new, trendy small-sized clothes does not cause you any regret, this book is not for you.” It’s no surprise then, that his book has not yet gone platinum. Kate Moss is another downright numpty who recently decided to announce to the population of 16 year olds who hang on every word she says that her motto in life has always been that ‘nothing tastes as good as skinny feels’. That was a smart move now,

Foreign Correspondence How to survive a year abroad, by Rebecca Stagg. Having now passed the halfway mark of my year abroad in the city of love, I felt inclined to offer some advice to those now contemplating their year abroad, or even just a placement away from Bath. Here are a few gems for you lucky second years about to embark on what may well be best year of your university experience... Don’t expect things to be as easy as they are in Bath, and don’t be too optimistic about the first month or so of your trip - be prepared for things to be hard. Finding a place to live particularly can prove a nightmare. Try and get your accommodation sorted before you leave if at all possible. Don’t panic if it doesn’t work out straight away. Do your best not to shy away from taking on more – ok, so you might not need to go to that lecture on a Friday morning and it seems much wiser to stay in bed and watch How I Met Your Mother instead. You will regret this when you realise you’ve spent a whole semester watching English programmes and only speak your host language when you get your weekly baguette. Do have wild nights out - you may not have much money, you may not know where you’re going or who you’re with but go with the flow - now and again embrace the randomness. Having said that... don’t say yes to

everything – there are some seriously dodgy people out there: don’t be naïve. Do work on your languages more than you would at home - just because you’re abroad doesn’t mean you will speak the host language. Trust me,

it doesn’t work like that. Make some effort, listen to Howard and get your grammar books out every now and then, you won’t regret it. Don’t worry if you don’t tick every box - ok so you don’t work in the centre of town, and maybe you’ve ended up living with a family instead of the bohemian student pad you

S o yo u l o o k b a c k a t y o u r parents’ photos and giggle with the ridiculous fashion sense they had. But with the new snap-happy culture we live in, what fashions are we not going to be able to escape from? Here’s the list of your top ten biggest regrets:

wasn’t it Kate? While she has made her fortune from eating very little, for the majority of us, eating virtually nothing isn’t actually an option. Whether or not the issue is obesity or anorexia, life is about balance. As much as I love to look at the exceptionally cut, hand-stitched garments hanging off the bony limbs of the girls staring up at me hungrily from the glossy page on which they are flattened, I can smile back knowing that at least I can enjoy a meat-feast pizza whilst drinking a can of sugary coke, even if those jeans I bought in the summer don’t quite do up… There’s always the New Year. For the likes of Karl and Kate however, Christmas must be a desperately miserable occasion. imagined. It’s ok, make the most of whatever experience you have and try not to regret things - when you get home you’ll be so nostalgic you’ll be begging that old German lady to take you back in! Do expect to get things wrong, and be brave when people shout at you. You will make some embarrassing errors (and if you don’t you’re not using your language enough!), you will almost get run over and you may well get shouted out by the police a little bit (apparently it’s also illegal to cycle in Paris whilst on the phone... who’d have thought? Oh and here’s another one - don’t get too cocky, you are a foreigner - know your place!) Do get a bike - this might not be practical for everyone, but if you can, cycling is a great way to figure out your way around town; you’ll know your neighbourhood, and maybe even your city, much better than if you just use public transport. Plus it’s free. Don’t go home - this is a schoolboy error. If you go home too soon you’ll have serious blues when you get back to your host country. Be brave, get your boy/ girlfriend to visit you and make a home for yourself in your new country - this is your life now, Bath will be waiting when you get back, I promise! Do remember to savour a special moment - you might never live abroad again, and even if you do you probably won’t be a student the next time it happens. Don’t let the year pass you by.

1. Crocs - Who thought it would be a good idea to wear plastic clogs?! Sure, they’re comfy, and yes - they’re waterproof, but it’s not a necessity to pick function over fashion. They are in bright hideous colours that really don’t go with anything. There should be an amnesty for this inhumane and tortured use of fashion. 2.

“Body warmers”

- You’re wearing a puffa jacket waistcoat! You look like half a Michelin Man! And most notably they’re often from Jack Wills or Superdry, often teamed up with pyjama-like bottoms and flip flops. I don’t understand this look, a definite fashion disaster of the decade.

my teeth itch. It’s also bizarre because most people wearing these wouldn’t go near physical exercise if it hit them in the face! It’s just a horror that some still feel the need to wear these.

6. Rah rah skirts Do you remember those?! The skirts that had layers of material all around it, that stuck out. Absolutely awful for the figure, and was normally teamed with a Lycra tight type top that did nothing for the imagination. 7. J e g g i n g s - A n amalgamation of jeans and leggings has hit the nation by storm in the last season. They are basically leggings that have the stitching of jeans with pockets and rivets, and it has to be said - I am not a fan. These tightfitting bottoms are horrendous for anyone that doesn’t have a Kate Moss figure. If you’re fashioning these this Christmas, go easy on the mince pies. 8. Slogan T-shirts Mostly worn by boys with stupid slogans like “If found return to the pub.” BOYS! Your t-shirt may be marginally witty (if at that), but this doesn’t mean that you are. Go get some bloody style by switching in your very boring t-shirts, with guys all over the nation wearing the same ‘joke’, for some real personality.

3. Rave/Neon - From the reign of the Klaxons and Justice came the luminous clashes of clothes. Back comb your hair, mix it with a cassette round your neck, and some luminous skinnies and a clashing top, you’ve got the look. Why did we decide that looking a complete mess was a good idea? God. I cringe. 9. Ugg Boots - Let’s wear really expensive snow boots when it’s not snowy? Yeah, I can see the logic. 10. O v e r s i z e d Handbags - Spending a small


Shutter Shades

- Isn’t it cool to only be able to half see because Kanye West did it first?


Velour tracksuits

- Matching top and bottoms in pastel pink that cling to every lump and bump in the body. The horror of feeling these tracksuits in the wrong direction would make

fortune on the biggest handbag you can set your beady little eyes on. Within these are the essentials that fill about 10%, with the remainder 90% filled with air. A lot like the minds of the people that wear it. So how many do you have? Cringing from any of the previous fads you had? I know my New Years Resolution will be to be a little bit more street wise with my fashion. But I can’t wait to see what the Noughteens (will this term hit off?) will bring us in the fashion world.

8 - 22 February

Mon.30th November Downtown @ PoNaNa 10pm - 2am Mon. 8th February Downtown @ Po Na Na 9:30pm – 3am Tues. 9th February Mega Quiz 7:30 – 10pm

live sports

Wed. 10th February Score 9.30pm – 2pm

Wed. 10th February Arsenal Vs Liverpool 7:45pm (Premier League)

Thurs. 11th February Open Mic Night 8 – 11pm

Sat. 13th February Wales Vs Scotland 2pm (Six Nations) France Vs Ireland 4:30pm (Six Nations)

Club N ights

Fri. 12th February flirt! Relaunch featuring Fabio 9:30 – 3am

Sun. 14th February Italy Vs England 2:30pm (Six Nations) Super Bowl NFL Live 11pm – Late (Plug Bar)

Sat. 13th February Come Play 10pm - 2am Mon. 15th February Downtown @ Po Na Na 10pm - 2am Wed. 17th February Score 9:30pm - 2am

Tues. 16th February AC Milan Vs Manchester United 7:45pm (UEFA Champions League) Wed. 17th February FC Porto Vs Arsenal 7:45pm (UEFA Champions League)

Thurs. 18th February Better Bus To Bristol Fri. 19th February flirt! Two DJs - One Vibe 9:30 – 3am

Sat. 20th February Everton Vs Manchester United 12:45 (Premier League) Portsmouth Vs Stoke 5:30pm (Premier League)

University of Bath Students’ Union

impact Monday 8th February 2010



Is shock journalism giving Britain cancer? Nick Carraway investigates Analysis - Professor Science impact is mercifully free of shock journalism, retaining a common sense for which I can only be thankful, but all too often our most influential and widely followed news sources resort to scare tactics in order to compete with their rivals. Shock journalism supposedly ‘informs’ the public of all those hidden dangers that are lurking on our doorsteps, helping keep us safe at night, yet the sad fact is that more often than not the thrill-value of such journalism - which is intended purely to whip people up, after all - relies on misinformation and half truths, and as such can spread highly dangerous thoughts and views to a wide audience. Dangerous journalism of this

“Terrorists ‘plan attack on Britain with bombs inside their bodies’ to foil new airport scanners” -Daily Mail, 2010 nature generally comes in two forms: the first is that which is actively detrimental to national security and well-being, such as the recent, highly moralistic publishing of photographs of Bob Quick - the then head of Scotland Yard’s counter-terrorism and security department - carrying top secret documents into Number 10, which forced anti-terrorism raids to be rushed forwards and nearly ruined; the second is that which serves to unnecessarily anger or scare the public at large, making issues out of inconsequential details that can lead to distorted world views being fed to people, warping their political and social beliefs as a result. The growth of the BNP is a perfect illustration of the effects such journalism can have, and exactly why it can be so dangerous. The number of votes they received in general election quadrupled between 2001 and 2005,

a direct result of the combination of their higher media profile, which has raised awareness of their image and ideology, with shock journalism along the lines of the Daily (ever entertaining) Mail’s recent ‘Hundreds of illegal immigrants armed with knives and crowbars swarm round

“Eight deaths linked to Labour’s new sex jab for schoolgirls” - Express, 2007 Calais trucks heading for Britain’, and their separate article in which a rise in crime was attributed to immigration. One of the BNP’s most hyped themes, that of ‘British Jobs for British Workers’, runs beautifully parallel to the hype surrounding unemployment during the recession, and a combination of bad journalism and clever party-presentation has led many people to believe that booting anyone not descended from Oliver Cromwell from the country will restore a great deal of jobs in Britain to their rightful, British owners, cutting unemployment dramatically. Not only is this untrue, but the idea that allowing immigrants and asylum seekers into the UK is crippling the economy is also a complete fabrication; government spending totalled £1.4trillion in 2009, with the cost of keeping UK borders open but controlled £150million, 0.01%

“How using Facebook could raise your risk of cancer” - Mail, 2009 of the national budget for that year. The vast majority have no intention of ‘sponging off the state’ either. Indeed, the Institute for Public Policy Research recently concluded that migration has very little effect on wages or employment in the UK, and that if it does have an effect it’s just as likely a positive one. Aside from this, journalism

The truth behind the claims: MMR: as late as 2006, the Mail was asserting that claims of the safety of the triple vaccine were “Baloney”: one such claim was made by Dr Liam Smeeth, whose 2004 metaanalysis, found fairly convincing evidence that “MMR vaccination is not associated with an increased risk of pervasive developmental disorders [i.e. autism]”. Terrorism: most newspapers seem to run a ‘terror forecast’ at least weekly, telling us of new dangers, though citizens’ danger of dying as a result of terrorism is miniscule: Michael Rothschild imagined a dystopian nightmare in which terrorists blew up one shopping mall per month, killing everyone inside. In

this situation, a US citizen’s chance of death would be one in six million per year. If instead one commercial plane was blown up each month, citizens would have an annual one in 540,000 chance of dying. Even this bizarrely improbable scenario gives risks which are vanishingly small compared with the average American’s annual chance of dying of heart disease (one in 400) or in a road accident (one in 70,000). Immigration: In 2009, the Express feared that each new immigrant to the UK would cost £1 million. Perhaps they hadn’t read the three meta-analyses by Simonetta Longhi which concluded that the net economic effect of immigration was almost negligibly small.

designed to scare or stir people is also able to create situations that never existed in the first place need I even mention the furore over Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand’s antics? They may not have been to everyone’s taste, but the number of complaints made by actual show listeners was almost 0% of the total - the rest came from the Daily Mail’s armchair army, roused by the paper’s bloodthirsty coverage of the incident. Whilst my final example may well be a more trivial one than that of the recession or the BNP, it still bears the exact same message, that shock journalism is not only crude and unnecessary but can also pose an active threat, whether to

“Each illegal immigrant to cost us £1million” - Express, 2009 the welfare of its subjects or in its intentional misleading of the public as a whole, and perhaps journalists in the position to do so should take their social responsibility into account more fully before engaging in such reporting so eagerly.

on how the media makes its own fears come true It has long been known that people can be persuaded to do things by the knowledge that other people are doing the same. The significance of this for journalism wasn’t quite appreciated until a statistical study found that media coverage of suicides increased the suicide rate in the following weeks; it was calculated that in this way each widely-reported suicide led to another fifty eight deaths. Interestingly, the suicides were also followed by an increase in the number of fatal plane crashes and road accidents, which some interpret as a disguised means of suicide by the pilots/ drivers, so the real figure may be

far higher. In recognition of this effect, many countries have laws along the lines of “Suicide and attempted suicide should in general never be given any mention.” (Norway), or “The news value of a suicide or attempted suicide is to be questioned rigorously.” (Estonia). However, few if any countries have similar rules on the coverage of other things to which the same rules might apply, for example, terrorism, paedophilia, and drug abuse. It’s an unfortunate irony that the media helps fuel exactly those things which it feels we should be afraid of, simply by giving them so much attention.

Facts and figures Number of references to terrorism on the Telegraph website. The Times and Daily Mail manage a relatively modest 15,000 each.


Number of people killed in the July 7, 2005 attacks, the only fatal terrorist attack in Britain since three people were killed by a BNP member in 1999.




University politics Sean Lightbown explains why you should care A few months ago, in the bygone days of Semester One, I got word from a couple of independent sources that certain actions by the University could be seen, from one perspective at least, as elitist and to the detriment of students and student groups. I and a couple of friends therefore went on a little investigation to see if we could find whether there was any truth in this, or not. At the very least, we wanted to ascertain what was happening and why. A fortnight’s worth of digging


Number of Bath students who attended a recent tuition fee protest in Bristol

later, we were entirely frustrated and nowhere nearer our aims. Most irritatingly, every stone uncovered revealed blocks and dead-ends not just by the University, but by the Students’ Union as well. Data we requested took weeks to come through, and when it eventually did, was not correspondent to what we’d asked for and was therefore largely useless. “Off the record” became kind of clichéd after hearing the phrase so many times in relation to enquiries I made. The final straw came after being told that some of our lines of enquiry were too boisterous to serve any purpose. After explaining

that some of that boisterousness fostered from our inability to access certain data which could prove pivotal to the investigation, the person I was speaking to remarked that he actually had what I wanted to hand. “Can I look at it?” I asked, quite hopeful that the rigmarole would be over. “No.” The reply had come before I’d even finished speaking. Two weeks spent, two weeks wasted. Degrees put on backburners and priorities rearranged: all to be dashed with a single-syllable rebuttal. I then got thinking; why does this happen? Why should a wall of silence descend when someone goes poking about in dark corners? I’m not stupid; the University can be expected to protect its own interests, and the fact that the Students’ Union gets hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of

Gordon Brown: makes £71,000 p.a. less than VC Breakwell.

Monday 8th February 2010 University grants each year means I doubt they’d want to ruffle too many feathers. They’re working partners. But is this right? Obviously, there will be occasions where the interests of both the Union and University cross over, but surely we, as students, should be looking to reform rather than reaffirm? At the minute, it seems, we quite simply don’t. As a general rule, students of this era seem to come from a more mellow stock than the G l y n i s

£269,000Breakwell’s salary, not including pension contributions

stereotypical anarchists and hippies of yesteryear. Ideological divisions are no longer so stark, with Communism no longer the international system it once was; capitalist democracy, you could say, is the hegemony. Similarly there isn’t the vitality now that there was in opposition movements back in the day. Since the Thatcher era trade unions, and consequently the power of other socialist movements, has waned significantly. But hey, maybe that isn’t so bad after all; we’re better off than ever before, life expectancy is up too, and to be honest, is it really worth bothering with? Why enforce change when I’m fine now? Well, there are plenty of reasons. Collusion at the top is the product of indifference at the bottom, and on the whole students seemingly couldn’t give a toss. We’re the first generation to be paying top-up fees, for God’s sake,

despite the 2001 Labour Manifesto’s assertion that the Government “have no plans to introduce University topup fees, and have legislated to prevent their introduction.” The level of Bath’s disgust at this aberration was recently shown by the number of people who went to a recent demonstration in Bristol – a big fat seven. For students who started in 2006 or 2007, it gets worse; bursaries from the University are subject to your household income being lower than £32,000 per annum. From students starting from 2008 onwards, that figure is £50,000. Effectively then, some 2006 and 2007 starters are bearing the financial hardship of top-up fees, yet because of when they started aren’t eligible for funding which people with the same household income can get from 2008. It’s scandalous. I wasn’t even aware this was the case until a run-in with the Student Finance Office, and I haven’t heard of any complaints about this quite frankly discriminatory practice since. If we carry on with this collective attitude, it’s only ever going to get worse – and don’t kid yourself into thinking it won’t. Our very own Vice-Chancellor, Glynis Breakwell, has vocalised her desire to increase University funding, and also sat on the board which produced a CBI report suggesting students should pay more for tuition, that support provided by central government should be reduced and that a more ‘realistic’ interest rate should be set on student loans. As an aside, maybe Glynis


should be reminded that there are things she could do to help increase the University’s profit margin, or at least cut costs – last year it was revealed that her salary equates to £263,000, the biggest for any Vice-Chancellor in the South West region and nearly £70,000 more than the average for someone in her position nationwide. Hintity hint hint. Maybe this all sounds a bit Orwellian, a bit too conspiratorial, and maybe even farfetched. Indeed, it’s quite possible that the investigation I and some friends conducted last semester wouldn’t have found anything anyway. In any case, I believe it illustrates something; a union is only as active as its members, and as long as the latter remains unvocal, so will the former. If we carry on like this, then a system where students are paying five-figure annual tuition fees and education is a privilege rather than a right isn’t unfeasible. We can stop this if we show them that we’re angry. And we have every right to be.

Peter Finch: “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore.”

impact Monday 8th February 2010

Blair at Chilcot Tim Leigh expresses disappointment I have recently started reading the international bestseller “The Great War for Civilisation: The Conquest of the Middle East”, by the journalist Robert Fisk. It is both highly interesting and filled with Fisk’s usual level of wrath. While reflecting on some of the issues raised within the book, chiefly the arrogance with which Western powers have been known to treat international law, I was absentmindedly browsing the BBC News website. Aside from ranting to myself at the usual unnecessarily high number of grammatical and spelling errors, my attention was caught by the live Iraq inquiry


Number of inquiries into the Iraq war.

session that was available to watch. I have to admit, as a politics student, I have not perhaps kept myself as informed with the proceedings as I should, largely for these reasons: I don’t believe it will provide us with any breathtakingly exacting examinations of key figures. I didn’t believe it was likely that Tony Blair would break down under the force of questioning and reveal, sobbing, that George Bush swore he would fist him with a cruise missile in the Oval Office if he didn’t

go along with the proposed invasion. This turned out to be an accurate prediction. Tony Blair gave an accomplished performance; anybody who has had the dubious privilege of hearing the man speak live will understand he is an extremely skilled orator. The other reason is that, if this did happen, there is no guarantee we would ever hear about it. If the information is deemed to be “sensitive”, it “must be heard in private and not released into the public domain”. The criteria for determining whether the information can be suppressed is if “it would, or would be likely to, cause harm or damage to the public interest”. This includes, but is not limited to, if it could affect “national security, defence interests or international relations” or “make public commercially sensitive information”. To me, it seems that leaves plenty of room for the suppression of inconvenient information. To those who consider this view unduly cynical, I point to the Amount being offered to anyone attempting a citizen’s arrest of Tony Blair


Serious Farce Office’s investigation into the 1985 Al Yamamah (‘The Dove’) arms deal between Saudi Arabia and BAE Systems. In 2006, years after the

investigation began under a cloud of allegations concerning a £20 million slush fund used to bribe Saudi officials, Lord Goldsmith announced that the investigation was being discontinued.


Number of hours Blair gave evidence for on January 29th

Rumours abounded in the media, including in the Daily Telegraph, that the Saudis had threatened to pull out of an ongoing deal, again with BAE, concerning the sale of Eurofighter jets that was reportedly worth billions and secured thousands of British jobs. Returning to the evidence given by Tony Blair, his initial argument rests on the premise that “If September 11 hadn’t happened, our assessment of the risk of allowing Saddam any possibility of him reconstituting his programmes would not have been the same”. Perhaps a slightly more revealing quote is from Jack Straw, the Foreign Secretary at the time, who stated “Objectively, the threat from Iraq has not worsened as a result of September 11. What has, however, changed, is the tolerance of the international community, especially that of the United States”. This is, to my mind,

the key issue as to why the war happened. The United States felt it had to make a statement to reassert its dominance after the first attack on the mainland United States since the British burned half of Washington in 1814. It also seems likely the NeoConservatives, who to a worrying extent determined the President’s foreign policy decisions, hoped that a clean democratic transformation could take place, changing a problematic state to an exemplar of stability in one the world’s most troubled zones. Any other arguments put forward were largely window-dressing to assuage the concerns of those who felt that “because we can” didn’t constitute an acceptable legal argument. Similarly, Mr Blair felt it was the right course of



action to take, and as he admitted to that sternest of interrogators, Fern Britton, he would have been happy to use any argument to convince the people of Britain that we should go to war. This being the case, the inquiry will not provide us with much that intelligent commentators could not have guessed already, and so far very little unequivocal statements of legality have emerged, Sir Michael Wood’s evidence being the honourable exception. Do these scintillas of information justify the expense of the inquiry? The answer, sadly, is probably not. For those of you who want real, direct action, log on to www.arrestblair. org for a chance to do something that will make even less of a difference, but might at least earn you a few quid.


Monday 8th February 2010 IMPACT


Love: a mental illness? Productivity Nyman tries to ruin Valentine’s day Matt Groening and Nietzsche don’t have a great deal in common, other than being the originators of my favourite quotes on love (see boxes). As they pointed out, love can cause incredible suffering, and robs people of their rationality (indeed it’s been described as a mental illness; sufferers exhibit brain patterns similar to those seen in drug addiction and obsessive

“What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil” - Nietzsche compulsive disorder). How could something so destructive persist for so long, when, for example, bower birds manage perfectly well under the Warren Beatty school of drive-by shagging? Other than country music, another significant thing separates us from chimps: we walk upright. This is pretty useful, as it allows us to carry things more easily and run faster, as well as saving us money on shoes. However, the evolution of this involved a few anatomical changes, including pelvic shrinkage. This means human babies have to come out a little prematurely; like the average Christmas turkey, they’d need another three months in the oven to be cooked properly. As a result, babies are fairly weak and softheaded at birth, which makes them totally dependent; a state in which they remain for their first five years. This makes human childcare incredibly demanding, and it is ideally a two person job. In most species which do not ‘pair

bond’, the woman is left to look after the children. The explanation, by the perverse logic of evolutionary psychology, is that the amount parents care for their children is proportional to the resources they’ve invested in them; as, supposedly, animals see life as a contest to have as many children as possible at least cost. Generally the woman’s contribution is far greater, either in the form of a fair-sized and nutrient-heavy egg or loan of the valuable real-estate that is the womb (in comparison, the sperm donation is spare change (warning: this is a metaphor, and in reality, when tramps ask for spare change, they mean of the monetary variety)). Thus, the male is far more likely to run off after fertilisation; this is particularly true of humans, where the foetus tends to follow its mother around. As childcare, like bullying or incest, ideally takes two people, it is not surprising that women evolved the capacity to fall in love, as anything which made them able to tolerate the father for long enough for the child to grow up would be a great advantage. However, the man’s reason for settling down is not so clear; having set up shop, why does he stick around to manage it rather than setting up franchises in other wombs? You’ll be relieved to know that the answer is marginally related to breasts: when a child is breastfeeding, it interferes with the woman’s chemical balance, meaning she can’t get pregnant until the baby’s weaned. In chimps, when ditched mothers find a new spouse, he often will kill the mother’s existing infant, as he wants to make one of his own. This probably wasn’t too

rare in early humans, meaning males had a powerful evolutionary incentive to stay put; love is the mind-altering substance which makes them want to do this. You may think it is heinous to explain love as the result of evolution, and insist that, say, humans have a soul and love must always remain a beautiful mystery. However, scientists aren’t usually so poetic in their outlook, and indeed, some recently managed to isolate the chemical involved in the process of falling in love: dopamine, the brain’s own ‘cocaine’ (love is indeed a drug, but not one you can buy on street corners). The prairie vole is perhaps the most romantic of rodents - once they pair up,

they do so for life, and if their partner dies, 80 percent of the time they live out the rest of their days as a widower. Scientists studying these animals found huge amounts of dopamine being released when they pair up. Rather cruelly, I feel, they then gave these normally incredibly faithful animals dopamine inhibitors, which made them temporarily no-longer in love, and the poor voles cheated on their partners.

“Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra... suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come”

- Matt Groening

So there we have it; another example of science spoiling the mystery of something wonderful, and corrupting small rodents in the process - Richard Gere would be proud.

Perv of the week: of course it’s Karl Woodgett, who filmed himself spanking and caning women in a hotel room. According to the Mail, the video is now on sale as ‘Bribery and Corruption’, in which a woman “is beaten for being involved in corruption.” They got off lightly compared to Karl, who has 200 hours of community service to do. Westboro Baptist Church Empathy Award: US televangelist Pat Robertson, who, in the wake of the Haiti earthquake, claimed that Haitians brought the recent earthquake on themselves, because, in resisting colonialism, they “made a pact with the devil”. Tarantino thriller award: The Sun, for the gripping exposé “[Cat] Deely does a cartwheel” Runner up again the Mail, for giving us a glimpse inside the thrilling world of Celebrity Big Brother, in which “Alex Reid [sat] in the bath, [while] glamour model Nicola T use[d] her manicured nails to squeeze the spots on his back. Whether the cagefighter’s on/off girlfriend Katie Price would do the same is debatable.” Indeed it is debatable, and we’re sure Wittgenstein would have an interesting contribution to make on the subject, so it’s a real shame he’s dead. David Icke sensible idea award: the Mail, unsurprisingly, for the article “Killers in your kitchen: Genderbending packaging, exploding floor cleaners and toasters more deadly than sharks”... Among the things to be afraid of are dishcloths, fridges and Clingfilm... glad you warned us. Runner up: the Mail, again, for the article “Is the food you’re feeding your pet killing it?”

Woody ALLEN: “Maybe love is the answer; but while you’re waiting, sex raises some interesting questions.”

Puzzle corner

This week our guest star is education theorist David Kolb

Nietzsche: “There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.”

In other news...

“Conversational learning occurs within two distinct but interconnected temporal dimensions; linear time and cyclical time. The discursive process is guided by linear time, whereas the recursive process follows a rhythm of cyclical time. The discursive process is an epistemological manifestation of individuals’ ideas and experiences that are made explicit in conversations... The discursive and recursive processes are very much a part of the conversational learning process, where learning occurs simultaneously within two intertwined time dimensions: linear time and organic time, the former being connected to the discursive process and the latter to the recursive process of learning. As learners engage themselves in conversation they situate themselves between two qualitatively

distinct, though closely interconnected, experiences specific to each temporal dimension.” This is from Kolb’s revolutionary book ‘Conversational Learning: an experiential approach to knowledge creation’, available on Amazon for only £104.27. Last week’s solution: We salute H. Branforth Dromedary, who translates Mr Stables’ quote thus: “making noises is not the same as talking, and this is an important philosophical point: when Lady Gaga said ‘Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah-romaroma-mama-ga-ga-ooh-la-la’, she was protesting in the most profound way against Kant’s Philosophical Realism; it is a striking endorsement of Derrida’s far more sensible idea that nothing is real except fettuccini carbonara.

Good use of research funds award: Scientists at the Government’s Porton Down research labs, who are subjecting pigs to explosions to see what happens. As it turns out, they die. David Irving research excellence award: this week the Sun saw fit to regale readers with the story of how Katie Price dressed as a schoolgirl for a gossip magazine. Here’s a picture of Price with what Britain’s highest circulation newspaper twice described as a ‘skeleton’. Nice try guys...


Monday 8th February 2010 IMPACT


“Heaven must have programmed you” Spandex Asinine investigates (from a safe distance) Roxxy, the world’s first sex robot. People who like sex, but don’t like it when their partner is human and/or alive, have reason to rejoice this week, as engineer Douglas Hines has invented a ‘sex robot’, an anatomically accurate android with a personality, which doesn’t object to being frequently violated. In fact, ‘Roxxy’ comes with five in-built, but not particularly comple x p e rs onal itie s , w hic h mostly involve giving preprogrammed responses to certain physical actions, like some kind of modified ‘Tickle-me-Elmo’. These personalities include Wild Wendy, who is ‘outgoing and

adventurous’, Frigid Farrah, who is not really too keen, Mature Martha, who provides a “matriarchal kind of caring” (a description which Freud would no doubt enjoy) and S&M Susan, which is ‘geared for more adventurous types’, but presumably those not quite adventurous enough to leave their house in search of real human women. The company’s website, www., explains where the idea came from: Hines and a friend “were remembering a dear friend who passed away. Douglas thought that it was sad

to not be able to ever talk to him again... On 9/11/2001, [another] good friend also passed away in Tower 1 at the World Trade Center. And now we cannot talk to that person... this made Douglas think seriously about how to implement a robotic representation of a person and have it reflect that person’s personality.” It appears that this sad and compassionate idea was realised by creating a robot which, in Hines’ words, “can’t vacuum... can’t cook [but] can do almost anything else, if you know what I mean... [she] has a full C-cup and is ready for action”.

Notes from the real world Deltoid Arpeggio makes a friend Old Ben is my favourite physicist. These are transcribed as verbatim as I can remember: “The theory was, if you’re going to cock-up, make it a big one. I think my biggest cock-up was when I was working with the disc-thinner. We had this device that would fire these ions at a spinning disc, to thin it out until it was only a few atoms thick, and then you could do your scatter experiments on it. And we got this sample of moon dust. This was back when moon dust was a pretty exciting thing. But our sample was oxidised and we couldn’t do aything with it. “So what I did was, I put it in a little cup, and put this cup in front of the ion beam. I put the cup on top of this vibrating stand, so that the shaking motion would separate the oxidised particles and we could skim them off the top with the ion beam. I thought it was pretty clever. And then one day I

“There was no crystalline structure in our moon dust sample. And I said, no, there won’t be. It’s fag ash” knocked the stand with my knee, and that was it: curtains. This fine moon dust all over the floor, gone. “I got away with it for a few weeks though. I got a call from the guy I’d passed the cup onto, and he said he’d been looking in his microscope and there was no A fembot IN A WET T-SHIRT: Spot the one which isn’t a sex-toy. If you can, congratulations, you’re not a paedophile.

Professor Science Professor: How did the eye evolve? Surely half an eye isn’t much good. The first eye was probably just a few cells on an animal which could detect light, giving it a very limited, but still existent, means of spotting blob-like predators. Gradually the technology improved to the point that we can now tell the difference

between Jon Bon Jovi and a herring, though this can be difficult if the herring is pickled. Professor: If I want to accidentally kill some pigeons, what’s the best way to do it? Some people think that if birds eat rice, it expands in their stomach and they die. Some of the more

ambitiously sadistic of those believe that the rice will actually cause the bird to explode. Neither of these is true; in reality, the best way to kill a bird is to throw it from a tall building. Failing that, dress it in Lycra and make it listen to Christopher Lee’s symphonic metal album. And what if I want to accidentally kill a person? See above.

Copyright XKCD:

crystalline structure in our moon dust sample. And I said, no, there won’t be. It’s fag ash.” “How can a momentumless object spin? I remember one of my tutorials. The tutor was this Australian guy, rough as arseholes

“Thomas, feel my breast” he was. He was explaining how these particles with n =1 can have spin, but no angular momentum. Or something. I remember putting my hand up and asking, but how come it doesn’t fall into the nucleus if it doesn’t have any angular momentum. And he looks at me and he says, ‘Ben, fuck off.’” One of many other Ben stories vying for space: you know those squeezy balls full of liquid? No matter how hard you crush them, they never burst. They usually have glitter or plastic eyeballs inside; this one had our company’s logo on a little plaque, some deranged past attempt at promotion. Thomas found it lurking in one of the many nooks of our lab, and declared it disgusting, dropping it back on the desk like a dead rat, wondering aloud who on Earth thought that making such a thing would be a good idea. As soon as Ben walks in he picks it up, and squeezes it, and says, “It’s like a breast.” Then he puts it in his shirt pocket and says, “Thomas, feel my breast.”

R ef re sh

Thursday Daytime - Media Day

Evening - Film Night - Open Mic Nigh


Daytime - SABB Nominations open - Games Day Evening - Po Na Na’s


Tuesday Daytime

- Student Centre Day


- Mega Quiz!


Daytime - Housing Forums For more information on all the events, locations and times, log onto:

Evening - Score


Friday Daytime - Refresh Fair

W ee k


Evening - Flirt!

Exams are over, essays handed in and it’s high time to be reminded of how much fun you can actually have at university. Refresh Week offers you the best chance to let your hair down and be footloose and fancy free before cracking down and bracing yourself for the long haul. A plethora of events are on the agenda this week, including Media Day, Games Day, a Mega Quiz, a Films Night and the Refresh Fair. On top of that, Score, Flirt! and Come Play offer you the perfect chance to dust off the gladrags and don your dancing shoes.

Saturday Daytime - Paintballing Evening - Come Play

2 0 10


Monday 8th Feburary 2010


Sabbs’ Corner

It’s General Election time, register and use your vote! Ben Cole VP Communications I am hoping that the above has grabbed your attention and made you take notice; if not, well done for reading anyway. This year is a General Election year, and as such it is imperative that everyone uses their vote to influence who gets to lead the country for the next 5 years. Whilst I would love to believe that the Sabb elections are the most important ever, they are not. This year’s General Election could see massive impacts on the above issues. For that reason it’s vital that we get as many people out to vote as possible, especially students! In every election MPs and local councillors spend a huge proportion of their time talking to the elderly, promising and delivering them things, very simply because they get out and vote! Politicians, the real ones that run the country, don’t think students care because they ‘don’t vote’. What the Sabbs are trying to do is make it as easy as possible, come polling day, for you to use your vote. There will be a General Election called before the 3rd of June and we want as many people to be ready as possible. Before you can vote you have to be registered, the form you need to fill out is displayed to the

right, I’ll come on to that in a second. First of all, if you live in University accommodation, you are already registered and will receive a polling card when the time comes. If you don’t, just follow the easy following steps and you are away! The form is pretty straightforward, but as with anything, you can never make it too easy so we have written a simple guide to filling it in for students that want to be registered to vote here in Bath.

then fill in your home address here. You can be registered to vote in two places as long as you only vote in one. To stay registered in two places write in the following sentence. ‘I am a student at the University of Bath but wish to also remain registered at my home address’. If you wish to vote for the Bath MP in the library you can ignore the tick boxes here.

Section 1 - About You

This is almost as simple as the first section, simply sign the form and fill in the date.

Section 4 - Declaration

This is pretty simple: you just fill in your details. It’s the Government, so they will only sell them on if you say it’s ok, that’s in the next section.

All that is left to do is send the form off to the local council. Alternatively you can hand the completed form to any of the Sabbs or drop it into the boxes labeled up in the library or in the SU reception. We will then send them all off at the same time. All of the Sabbs will be out on the Parade once a week in front of the library with copies of these forms to hand out, they will also have a stack in their offices in 1East. Closer to the election we will be holding hustings for the Bath MP. Each candidate will be invited onto campus to talk to students; everyone will be invited to grill them on issues that really matter to us.

Section 2 - Address In here you put your address in Bath. This is where you will be registered for the General Election. There are two versions of the electoral roll, if you don’t want the Government to pass on your address so that people send you spam then tick the box. Your phone number and email address aren’t required. Section 3 - Other information It is likely that you were or are registered at home, if this is the case

Electoral form: pick one up and fill it in.



Ann’s Column

Hey guys! I hope you’re all nice and recovered from the stress of exams and you all had an awesome Inter-Semester Break. And you’ve all bought your tickets for the combined arts societies social. Find details on the Facebook group “Art Socs to the Cider Festival” for more information, or buy your ticket directly from the Box Office at the Pavilion. We will be going on Friday (12th February!)… the event kicks off at 7.30pm but the arts societies will be meeting at 7pm in the Huntsman for some pre-cider fun. Any questions drop me an email (; I’m looking forward to seeing you all there! Also on Friday is the Refresh Fair – the prime opportunity to join awesome societies and fulfil those New Year’s resolutions. Get involved with something new; there is a society for everyone. On Saturday 20th February we are in for a real treat – the first arts event of the year is the Choral and Orchestral Society Annual Recital, featuring outstanding solo and ensemble performances from the University’s finest musicians. It also incorporates the highly successful Debut concert, which was premiered last year. This features compositions created and performed by students at the University of Bath, and is a joint production with BUMPS (Bath University Music Production Society). All this is accompanied by Wine and Cheese provided by Wine Soc. What more could you ask for in a fabulous evening out? Tickets are £5 on the door or £4 in advance available from

the ICIA Office in 1E between ten and five weekdays. RAG week is currently in the planning stages, and for the first time ever we will be putting on an Arts Show. We want as many people as possible to be involved in performing, whether it’s in your society or something you have been putting together with your mates. The performance date will be Wednesday 3rd March – you don’t have to prepare something new and you don’t have to be the latest member of Glee. If you’re interested, contact Dave Whiting of RAG ( or myself (! We have our very first Arts Exec meeting on Thursday. As usual, any questions/issues you guys have please let us know (socs-exec-arts@lists.bath. The minutes of all our meetings can be found on click on “Your Union” then “Meetings and Policies” then scroll down and select Arts Exec! Best of luck for the new semester! Hope to see you around having fun! Ann xxx

Interview: Photosoc Ann Howell talks to Photosoc’s Paolo Ferla What happens in Photosoc? What is it all about? It gives people with the common passion for photography an opportunity to meet up and share their thoughts and ideas! What do you enjoy most about being in the society? Meeting new people and seeing their approach to photography and having an excuse to take lots and lots of photos! What are the highlights of your semester going to be? Some fun outings and events. My favourite will be when we meet up in town, to choose seven different themes (e.g. water, movement, rest...) and try to capture as many as possible within two hours. It’s lots and lots of fun. We will then meet up and share all our photos. What do you need to do for ‘Fashion at Bath’? What does it involve for Photo Soc? Fashion at Bath is just one of the many awesome events we get involved with each be honest it’s not that much of a big deal for us because we are so used to the procedure by now. Our next highly anticipated event

is when we will be going to Bristol to a massive breakdancing event. I can’t really work a camera but I love taking lots of pictures…. can I still come along and get involved? Yeah sure...we always say that it’s not the camera that makes the photographer. We had courses (for a small extra cost) during Semester One teaching us about basic knowledge all the way up to in depth photography techniques. So, keep a look out for more similar workshops throughout Semester Two! What do you normally do with the photos once you have taken them? It depends on the final the end of the year we will try and open some exhibitions on and off campus to share our work with as many people as possible. Mostly we share our photos with whomever they were taken of, dancers, actors, and musicians! How do I sign up? Join the Facebook group PhotoSoc 2009-2010 and then become a member through Looking forward to meeting you.

Monday 8th February 2010


Interview: Chamber Choir

Ann Howell talks to Chair Emma Hayward AH: So what is Chamber Choir? Who sings in it? The Chamber Choir is a choir of around 35 voices, and we perform a variety of choral music from masses to folk songs. We are a four voice mixed choir, so that’s soprano, alto, tenor and bass. Our Conductor, Michael Painting, has conducted the Choir since its formation in 1977! The Choir performs both in the University and in the local area. You would have seen us at the University Carol Service. AH: Is it true you wear robes? Ah, we don’t actually wear robes, but we do have academic gowns. There is the usual warning at the end of October each year, that although they would make a brilliant Halloween costume, they should be kept for performance purposes only! AH: Tell everyone about the workshop you did in Wells before Christmas. What happened and what did it involve? Every semester we hold a workshop day where we go to somewhere in the area (often Wells) to rehearse and perform in a different setting. It’s a great opportunity to get to grips with the music we’re going to perform, especially some of the more difficult pieces, and spend the day as a choir. Apart from the singing, we always make time for a pub lunch somewhere (we can highly recommend the Crown Inn in Wells) and get to know the new members of the Choir before an informal performance at the end of the day to see how much we’ve learnt.

Usually this is in Wells Cathedral itself, but this year we went to St. Thomas’ Church which has just been refurbished. At our next workshop this semester we will be back in the Cathedral. AH: What events and concerts have you got lined up this semester? How can we get hold of tickets? Our main concert of the year is in St Michael’s in Bath (outside Waitrose) on Saturday 20th March at 7.30. Tickets are available through the ICIA, and will also be sold at lunchtime on the Parade during the week and on the door. Alternatively, people can contact us on our email address socs-chamberchoir@ Our final event is May bank holiday weekend, when we have an annual reunion, and past members will come back and join us for a concert on Sunday evening (Venue tbc) and then a short performance on Monday 3rd May at 12 noon in Bath Abbey (free

admission). We will also be singing at various arts events on campus. AH: How do you decide upon which music you sing? Do you have a particular style that suits the choir well? We are lucky to have an experienced conductor, Michael, who gives us a lot of guidance on the music we perform. We try to have a selection of pieces which complement each other but also bring variety to our performances. We sing all sorts of pieces: folk songs, carols, masses, anthems, and even some orchestral pieces! AH: What is the best part about singing in the choir? Singing is the best stress reliever for me, I love hearing the harmonies come together in a wonderful building. Singing in the Abbey, or Wells Cathedral, definitely has the wow factor, but the acoustics of some of the smaller churches shouldn’t be discounted either. The Choir is also great fun; we get on well together and have socials, including the odd trip to Karaoke nights (don’t base our singing abilities on that though!). AH: Any tips for budding choir singers? What makes a good choir member? A love of singing is definitely useful in a chorister - enthusiasm is key! Choral singing also is very different from solo as you have to blend with each other and sing as one, but you also get support from the voices around you. You don’t have to be the next Pavarotti!

Interview: Visual Arts Ann Howell talks to Social Secretary Jennifer Margham Isn’t Visual Arts just like painting? What else do you do? Anything! We run on the principle that if you suggest it we will try to organise it! The society is more than activities, it’s about students being actively involved and taking their hobby further than a bit of sketching; having the chance to be involved in exhibitions, directing classes and group projects. For instance, Ibbi (who does everything!) is currently in liaisons organising a graffiti wall and display area for student art on campus. It’s pretty exciting stuff, more than a bit of poster paint! What happens at your workshops? Our workshops vary from being student-run to being taught by professionals. They act as our socials as well as people can just sit and chat to each other whilst working, it’s a nice, friendly, chilled atmosphere. What did the life-drawing workshop involve? Nakedness…and pencils…and improvisation of desks due to lack of easels mainly! It was life drawing on a

budget! Hopefully we will have another one this semester as it was so popular. You’re the Social Secretary…. What does your job entail? What socials have you got lined up this semester? Well that’s my official name, but within the society we share duties. Mainly I keep in contact with members and other committee members; we organise all socials and activities together. All our activities are posted fortnightly on the Facebook page and via email to members. Did you study GCSE/A-Level Art? What made you join the Visual Arts Society in first year? Just my love of drawing and sketching, and having done art A-level, it’s something that I wanted to keep up at university, especially as I study chemistry and am not a sporty person… it’s a bit of light relief! That’s why I joined in first year, but the society has changed since then, it’s more about students running the society, not just committee members. Everyone has an opportunity to organise or make something happen. You just need to

turn up! How do I join in? You can become a member on … or if you just fancy any one off class you can just turn up. We have activities posted on our Facebook group (The New Visual Arts Society) as well!


Monday 8th February 2010



Zap An old school reunion Last weekend, URB hosted an alumni event which saw presenters from years gone by flood the studios and hijack the airwaves. With a jam-packed schedule, URB broadcast some blasts from the past when the alumni brushed the cobwebs off of their old-school shows and rediscovered their radio voices. In between alumni slots, URB’s current presenters sought to shake things up a bit by collaborating with the graduates on mash up shows (Punk vs. Soul?! It worked!). In all, everyone took something away with them that weekend, even if it was just a massive hangover...! To learn more about URB or find out how you can get involved, visit the website at

Single of the Week Kakzi – Sun-Kissed Planet Released 8th February This chilled-out tune is probably the best way to shake off the hangover from Inter-Semester Break and get back into the routine of lectures, seminars and essays. The group vocals are infectious and will leave you singing ‘oh ooooh’ as you make a sandwich run to the SU

shop, but if it can’t encourage that out of you it will at least muster a smile to your face. As the title implies, ‘Sun-Kissed Planet’ is a gentle little track with an almost African safari feel that will fool you the weather outside is warmer than it actually is. Sit back, grab a coffee and enjoy.

Ooh er, new schedule So a new semester brings a brand spanking new schedule with some shiny new shows as well as the more familiar ones from last year. Make sure to check out the online schedule to find out when to tune in for your favourites.

If you missed us first time around... CTV will be around during Refresh Week, especially on Thursday 11th for Media Day. Should you want to find out what we are about, we will be on-hand to give you more information on what we are planning, what you can get involved in, as well as how to watch our programmes. We will be showing some highlights from previous programmes on the screens and projector in Plug and Elements, and you can learn how easy it is to edit videos using a range of professional software. Finally, you can take part in our ‘diary room’, where you will get the chance to give your feedback on

what the union and student media mean to you. You can be on TV! If you want to find out more information, or would like to book us to cover events, please contact

NaSTAs coming up We are affiliated with the National Student Television Association, which holds annual awards celebrating the best in student television. We will be busy over the next few weeks putting together entries for this year’s awards in Glasgow, hoping to emulate last year’s success when we came away with awards for Best Light Entertainment and Highly Commended for News.

Upcoming CTV Projects We hope you guys have enjoyed the break as much as we have. We will be back bringing you weekly news from around your campus. We will also be out and about filming sports around campus, along with various other events that are coming up in the next couple of months. Joe, our Head of Writing, has been busy devising a range of new shows and revitalising existing ones, including sitcoms, panel shows and cooking shows! Stay tuned for lots of excitement coming your way.

Media day On February 11th, impact, along with CTV and URB, will be in Elements demonstrating what we do: come and find us between midday and 5p.m. for a demonstration of the joys of our newspaper design software, Adobe InDesign, whose quirky 4.a.m. malfunctions we have grown to love. The production process is generally quite fun, and only occasionally interrupted by existential crises related to the appropriate use of the semi-colon. All the media groups will be on hand, so come along to try your hand at DJing, video editing, or learn about what it takes to be a writer (usually just a sly suggestive wink at our ents editor). MEDIA DAY: Come and hang out with these goons; we’re nice.

Student Sudoku created by Katie Rocker Each Sudoku has a unique solution that can be reached logically without

guessing. Enter digits from one to nine into the blank spaces. Every row must contain one of each digit. So must every column, and every 3x3 square. Enjoy this one, it’s my magnum opus.

Competitions We have merchandise to give away from new comedy Youth in Revolt, which, in an inspired casting decision, stars Michael Cera as a socially awkward youth. He is supported by Steve Buscemi and Ray Liotta. In celebration of this frankly aweinspiring event, we have a baseball cap and two branded T-shirts to give away courtesy of Momentum Pictures: a winner will be drawn randomly for those with the quantum of intelligence required to answer the following question:

for those who wish to have Keeley Hazell lingering around them like the bad smell that did so prior to their acquisition of said deodorant. Ahem. Answer the following topical question to get the chance to win and become that babe magnet the adverts make you believe you could be. Why was Lynx’s parent company, Unilever, recently sued? 1. A man had worn Lynx for seven years, and had not got

any dates 2. A man died from asphyxiation after applying too much Lynx 3. A man was violated by a brown bear after having put on too much Lynx Answers to editor@bathimpact. com., (please specify which competition you are entering in the subject line of your email) Congratulations to Bex Gresham, who correctly identified Brian Eno as the composer of the Windows 95 theme song, and wins a copy of Windows 7 Ultimate Edition for her troubles.

Michael Cera became famous for his role in Arrested Development, but who played Tobias Funke? 1. 2. 3.

David Cross David Chase David Simon

In an unrelated development, we also have a can of new fragrance Lynx Twist, a bottle of shower gel, and two small portable cans (‘bullets’)

MODIGLIANI: A typical female response to a Lynx wearer













Electio ns 2010

University of Bath Students’ Union


Monday 8th February 2010


The Good, The Bad & The Oscars Hello, and welcome to a very special supplementary The Good, The Bad & The Ugly. Yes, roll out the red carpet, hire yourself a white tuxedo and make sure you’ve got that tit tape firmly stuck down because the Oscar nominations have hit town and we’re taking some very personal looks at what we think is Unexpected, Unacceptable or plain Ugly.

The Unexpected G i n a R e a y : Who would’ve thought a film about fictional blue creatures could be nominated across the board at the Oscars! No I’m not talking about Smurfs, Avatar is my favourite nomination. I went into the cinema thinking science fiction wasn’t really my thing and came out in my 3D specs, disappointed with our consumerist, industrial world and wanting to move to Pandora! If only it were real.

Carey Mulligan: No relation to Jim. And thankfully, no resemblence. Luke Walsh: It’s fantastic to see the very worthy Up nominated for Best Picture (only the second animated film to achieve such a feat after Beauty and the Beast in 1992), but the real highlight is the eight nominations for Inglourious Basterds, including the first recognition for Quentin Tarantino since Pulp Fiction all those years ago. Plus, it’s great to see up-and-coming British talent Carey Mulligan in Best

Actress for An Education, along with Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side. Philip Bloomfield: Absolutely thrilled to see The Hurt Locker get itself eight well-earned nominations. What makes it all the more interesting is that director Kathryn Bigelow is up against her ex-husband James Cameron in a few categories. Let’s hope she makes Avatar’s nine nominations look as farcical as its horrendous script and terrible screenplay.

Luke Walsh: Was Avatar actually that good? Probably not. And Meryl Streep didn’t really need another nomination to add to her record haul of 15 - we don’t doubt your brilliance, Meryl, but give someone else a chance, like the luminous Mélanie Laurent

The Unacceptable Gina Reay: Nazi movie Inglourious Basterds pushed none of my buttons. Although not surprised to see Tarantino up for Best Director and the movie up for Best Picture, I secretly hope it doesn’t win. A film with that much blood, violence and terrible fake accents doesn’t rev my award engine.

The hurt Locker: A bigger bang than expected at the Oscars

Come together, right now Well, next weekend, actually....but that’s not the point.

of Inglourious Basterds or the 18 year old Katie Jarvis for her debut in Fish Tank. Philip Bloomfield: Aside from Avatar getting predictably lauded for being a fancy remake of Pocahontas with a dose of Fern Gully and some guns, I’m disappointed to see a lack of Brit films making the cut: by all accounts the excellent Fish Tank was as worthy as most of what passes for film in the nominations. See also In The Loop getting one miserly nomination. Though maybe that

upsets me as I’d really have loved to have heard Peter Capaldi’s expletiveladen acceptance speech.

...The Ugly Gina Reay: Although we could never dub the beautiful George Clooney as ugly, I have to admit the numerous nominations for his quirky Up in the Air did surprise me. Although not a bad film by any means, I would never have rated this move Oscar-quality. It triggered a few giggles and Georgey got my heart beating, however I think the plot lacked depth, the supporting actors lacked believability and the ending was too enigmatic for even the most deepthinking among us. Luke Walsh: There’s a notable lack of a Screenplay nomination for (500) Days of Summer, which was possibly the freshest film of 2009. Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s star performance

was also cruelly snubbed; instead, the ever elusive and shy George Clooney will experience some rare publicity.

Toothpaste Kisses On Valentine’s Day

Where better to spend Valentine’s Day than at a sweaty venue that smells like beer and feet? Well, if it’s the NME Awards Tour, then it might just be worth it, says Luke Walsh...

Creative Sound Factory ICIA, University of Bath 19th-21st February £20, £15 concessions Are you a musician? What do you play? Actually forget that second question, becuase that’s irrelevant when it comes to the Creative Sound Factory. That rather modern sounding name is the preferred moniker of a group of professional musicians who want to get YOU involved in playing as part of an ensemble. Whether you’re a violinist, an aspiring rapper, a timpani player or a guitarist with a fondness for heavy metal, you can play a part in an improvised performance with up to 60 other musicians. Michael Bassett, the ICIA Music Director, doesn’t describe the CSF as ‘the best music workshop around’ for nothing: it’s run by dedicated

professional musicians, many of whom were part of Babyhead, a Bristol based live dub and hip hop group who toured with acts such as the wonderful Ozlomatli, Roni Size and Coldcut. The workshop takes place over two days and will involve tuition for all levels and instrument types, with the focus being on the creation of an exciting living piece of music at the end of the session. At the price of only £15, this is one for students who want to try something different. And who knows, you could meet your future bandmates there...


The Maccabees & The Big Pink - “Call off the air strikes, we’re going on tour with them”

The NME Awards TourThe Maccabees, Bombay Bicycle Club, The Big Pink & The Drums Bristol Academy February 14th Valentine’s Day in Bristol will see The Maccabees headline this year’s NME Awards Tour, joined by up-and-coming bands Bombay Bicycle Club, The Big Pink and The Drums. With The Maccabees’ much anticipated follow up to debut album Colour It In released in summer 2009, Wall of Arms was one of the best received offerings of the year, and deservedly so. With highlights including the leading single ‘Love You Better’ and the dark and broody ‘No

Kind Words’, the band’s successful development to an edgier sound should result in an exciting set list, especially if contrasted with the lighter sound of Colour It In and its undeniably catchy tracks ‘Happy Faces’ and ‘Toothpaste Kisses’. The Maccabees’ current role in evolving British indie rock music and their passionate stage presence will set a high benchmark for the other acts on the night, such as Bombay Bicycle Club, who were the champions of Channel 4’s Road to V competition in 2006 and were thus the opening performers of that year’s V Festival. With growing publicity following the release of the band’s first album, I Had the Blues But I Shook Them Loose, their alternative sound is best exemplified in ‘Always Like This’ and ‘Evening/Morning’. And undoubtedly helped by the prominence of signature track ‘Dominos’ (not to mention a highprofile gig as the supporting act for Muse’s recent tour), The Big Pink will please their rapidly growing fan base as part of the NME Awards Tour. Finally, the surfpunk of The Drums is reminder that cutting edge doesn’t have to mean painful.

The Good

Quote of the week goes to Dion Dublin, ex-International footballer, and proud owner of an, ahem, ‘appendage’ that Sir Alex Ferguson once described as ‘magnificent’ (Ed: Can we print that!?). Talking about his latest venture, the percussion instrument hilariously entitled ‘The Dube’, he revealed just how he made it: “I literally went to Jewson and got some off-cuts of wood - I bought a hammer and some nails and I made a cube.” Fascinating stuff. We say this every week, but this time we are pretty sure that the end days are upon us.

The Bad “The first thing you’ll probably want to know is where he was born, and what his lousy childhood was like, and how his parents were occupied and all before they had him, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap”. Thus begins our eulogy to JD Salinger, the reclusive American author who penned one of the great works of the 20th Century, Catcher In The Rye, along with numerous other excellent short stories. Genuinely, this is yet another extremely sad loss. As we started with a quote, we’ll end with another, our Ents Editor’s personal favourite on the subject of those elusive females: “I was about half in love with her by the time we sat down. That’s the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty... you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are.”

...The Ugly This genuinely defies belief, but Miley Cyrus’ 9 year old sister Noah (Ed: ‘the hell kinda name is that?) has announced she intends to launch a lingerie line for kids. This is such a horrific thought that we can’t even bring ourselves to provide a humourous picture to ridicule it.



Monday 8th February 2010


The place of work We’re very pleased to be able to announce a special treat for all impact readers: in conjunction with the ICIA and PhotoSoc we proudly present the shortlist for this year’s Staff and Student Photography Competition, the theme of which was ‘the place of work’. The winners from this shortlist will be announced at the free opening, which takes place at 6.30 on the 11th February in Arts Space Three (the foyer next to the University Hall), where full size prints will be on display, alongside an LCD screen displaying all this year’s entries. The exhibition will continue until the 26th March. As you can see, the level of quality and ingenuity was exceptionally high and we’d like to congratulate all who entered. The ICIA runs a series of photography courses, so take a look if this has inspired you. And if you’d like to join PhotoSoc or find out more about photography, take a look at their page on BathStudent.

Jens Roesner - Mechanical Engineering Lector

Gilbert Leung - 1st Year BSc (hons) Architecture Jonathan Burnham- 1st Year BSc (hons) Architecture

Peter Dowell - 2nd Year MPhil/PhD Research in Mechanical Engineering

Tom Hall - AV Technician

Elias Rizopoulos - 3rd Year MEng (hons) Mechanical Engineering

Jens Roesner - Mechanical Engineering Lector Seunghwan Yoo - MSc Management

Gilbert Leung - 1st Year BSc (hons) Architecture

Nicolas Robinson Andrade - 1st Year BSc (hons) Politics with International Relations

Tomos Porter - 2nd Year MEng (hons) Mechanical Engineering with French


Monday 8th February 2010

Entertainments Below the Salt #1

Brass Monkeys

Ents Editor Philip Bloomfield gets the horn for the latest ferocious live outing of some veteran post-punks The Ex & Brass Unbound, Zun Zun Egui The Fleece & Firkin, Bristol 29th January 2010 Our previous experiences of punk and brass sections haven’t always been happy ones: we’re looking at you, ska punk. The fact that for every James Chance & The Contortions, there’s been a Reel Big Fish, and for every incarnation of The Specials we’ve had to endure Less Than Jake, means that for the impact team, at least, all that glitters and gleams isn’t always gold. Tonight at The Fleece, we’re due to hear the first date on The Ex’s Brass Unbound tour, in which they recruit four brass players of no little pedigree and then proceed to run through re-arranged selections from their thirty-year history, alongside the odd special composition. The silent hope echoing around our brain is that this doesn’t prove to be a hapless venture of botched experimentalism, yet another tombstone in the graveyard dedicated to rock and roll’s association with brass. But all that’s drowned out by the cacophony of one of Bristol’s most exciting new acts warming up. Zun Zun Egui are a four-piece band with few discernable precedents: they manage to sound like everything and nothing

all at once. They’re on rambunctious form tonight, rediscovering some of the loose groove and far out freakiness that made them so alluring when impact first stumbled upon them last year. Lead singer and guitarist Kush barks and yelps in foreign tongues, his impressive rhythm section holding the fort with glee abandon as he wrenches mangled solos from a beaten up guitar. The overall effect is an intensely driven form of exotic and danceable pyschedelia: something like a street party in Acalpulco soundtracked by the Talking Heads. What makes it all the more surprising is that in a year which is sure to see types such as Yeasayer and Vampire Weekend take their afro-pop to the next level, Zun Zun Egui are yet to be signed.

“Bands half their age can’t muster up a fragment of their live energy” Thankfully for brass instruments everywhere, The Ex still manage to blow this most capable of support acts clean off the stage. Bands half their age can’t seem to muster up even a fragment of the energy the Dutch veterans are channelling tonight, lead singer and guitarist Arnold De Boer

The term ‘below the salt’ refers to medieval banquets, where the lowliest guests sat at the foot of the table; far from the dispenser of delicious sodium. For us, it means anything which hasn’t been given the respect we feel it’s owed. The Ex & Brass unbound: We like them more than our other Exes lurching across the tiny stage, jousting with Brit expat Andy Moor. But it’s the tautness that really shocks tonight: even with eight members on stage, on the first night of the tour, playing with four new additions, they don’t still sound unbelievable. Much credit must go to a rhythm section that would leave most bands envious and if there’s a bum note or a dropped beat tonight, it certainly bypasses us. The horn section, rather than being the bolt-on afterthought that we’d feared, turns out to inject something extra into their sound: witness the mournful mariachi trumpet of showstealer Roy Paci on a frenetic rendition of personal favourite ‘State of Shock’ and the squealing free-jazz breakdowns of saxophonists Ken Vandermark and Mats Gustafsson at the end of a furiously restrained collaboration. Tonight also showcases the incredible diversity of the band’s thirty years: the

2010: A Space Oddity Things are getting weird down in Brooklyn, and there’s rumours Paul Simon is involved. Alex Drake investigates...

striking brass punctuated Balkan folk of ‘Hidegen Fujnak A Szelek’ bringing drummer Katherina’s surprisingly powerful and versatile voice to the fore, whilst other tracks bring to mind the angry post-punk explorations of late Fugazi, De Boer howling with barely contained range as the rhythm section grinds and grinds at the basslines until you’re sure they’re set to shatter, all with the horns adding to the potent sense of menace. Yet it’s the tracks from the collaboration with Ethiopian Saxophonist Getatchew Mekuria which really impress: they ripple with barely disguised energy, the rolling bombast and wild sax soloing of ‘Ethopia Hagere’ generating such a wave of applause that the band return to wow us with the sweaty tropicalia of ‘Theme From Konono’ that leaves the venue in rapture. Brass sections are dead, long live brass sections.

Yeasayer: You sayin’ I’m odd, blood? amazing they managed to complete it and satisfy their record label’s demands at the same time. Listening through the album feels like an outer space voyage and rarely dips in form or energy. If anything the first half is a little heavier in quality songs, but that’s just nit-picking.

“Screw your sensibilities and trip out” ‘Ambling Alp’ is the first single and acts as an excellent introduction to the album’s catchiness and originality. Meanwhile, ‘ONE’

is a bright dance-floor-friendly banger that’ll have ravers going till dawn with its looped hooks and instrumentation. And finally, a few other favorites include ‘Madder Red’, ‘I Remember’ and ‘Grizelda’. Considering that Odd Blood was one of the year’s most anticipated releases, it certainly lives up to its top billing. The album is highly ambitious as it masterfully mashes-up catchy choruses, synthetic sounds and trippy instruments that combine to concoct a genre-defying beauty. Screw your sensibilities and trip out to 2010’s best release to date.

Black Math Horseman Wyllt (2009) Philip Bloomfield Quite how I managed to miss desert rockers Black Math Horseman’s debut album Wyllt still astounds me: after all, it was produced by Scott Reeder, formerly of rock giants Kyuss. Unusually for a band who deal in gigantic bluesy riffs, their lead singer is female bassist Sera Timms, who channels PJ Harvey rather than the more traditional Ozzy Osbourne. Her ethereal vocals lighten the band’s sound: at times lonely guitars wander the record’s vast soundscapes, at others the band create a crushing, rolling wall of sound. Whichever way you hear it, it’s a superbly engaging rock record of the highest calibre.

From Manchester to Berlin impact’s resident techno nerdlinger Lucy Sutton strokes her chin and wonders if she should believe the hype....

Delphic: Startin’ with the men in the mirror; not asking them to change their ways

into the cheery electronic world that is indie-dance. I didn’t want to be oh-so-cool and make that clichéd link with New Order, but the likenesses are undeniable. Tracks like ‘This Momentary’ and ‘Submission’ have that catchy melody which wouldn’t sound out of place on a Depeche Mode album. Despite this, and my own personal electronic preferences, it’s the final track Remain which is the standout track for me. I’m a sucker for a piano intro and this is no different; finishing off the album in a slightly more chilled manner, this is the track which stays in my head.

Acolyte Delphic Chimeric/Polydor Out Now

“I’ll reserve Acolyte for guests who struggle with my usual musical preferences.”

The hype surrounding Delphic has not gone unnoticed by impact, (Ed: cheers) or indeed by any other publication claiming a say on music at the turn of a new year. Produced in part by a favourite Berlin techno producer of mine, Ewan Pearson, Acolyte caught my eye. The curiosity of what he’d make of a geeky Mancunian synth trio was too great, so here goes. It has to be said, this sound is nothing new. Yet it seems new. Through a mixture of layered vocals, atmospheric synth dubs and beats which wouldn’t sound out of place on our most snobby dancefloors, Delphic’s sound appeals not only to those ‘I’m so individual I listen to Klaxons’ types, but also to the more musically challenged masses, who can take this as an introduction

Being one of those musical snobs myself, I’m not 100% sure I like this ‘indie-dance’ label which has become attached to bands such as Late of the Pier, Friendly Fires and, with their most recent album, Editors, but I don’t know what else to call this. Others have dubbed it techno, which I frankly can’t allow, but Pearson’s influence on this album is noticeable. Acolyte is one of those albums I’ll reserve for any guests I might have who struggle with my usual musical preferences. It’s easy listening at home, and I’m intrigued to hear how they sound live. Personally though, I’m holding out for some killer remixes from my pals in Berlin. They’ll show you what a genre sounds like.

Odd Blood Yeasayer Mute Out Now Just when you thought everything had been done before in the land of music a 4-piece New York mob by the name of Yeasayer flips up and puts everything on its head. They certainly aren’t newcomers to the game, and have been pushing the boundaries of psychedelic synth pop for a couple of minutes now. I casually listened to their debut, All Hour Cymbals, a few years back but certainly wasn’t prepared for the energetic onslaught of their latest effort, Odd Blood. For the unacquainted, Yeasayer play a very unique blend of 1980s synthetic pop morphed with trippy tribal beats. I’m aware of how weird this sounds but the end result is truly incredible and comes highly recommended. Odd Blood thankfully sees the band embrace more of their fun pop-oriented side. The music is accessible enough for new listeners, yet at the same time is unlike anything ever recorded. It somehow combines weird falsettos, squelching vocals, funky horns and bursting energy whilst managing to squeeze this into a ten-track epic. This is a project so ambitious in its intention it’s



Monday 8th February 2010



Looking back: the four greatest sportsmen of the decade.

J o i n t h e WriteTeam: SCA’s new volunteer Sean Lightbown picks who he thinks topped the sporting project

charts in the first decade of the century... Roger Federer Harry Lime’s soliloquy in ‘The Third Man’ suggests that, despite having 500 years of peace and democracy, the only meaningful Swiss production was the cuckoo clock. That anecdote became defunct on one summer’s afternoon in West London in 2003, when Roger Federer beat Mark Philippoussis to win his first Wimbledon, and indeed grand slam, title. Since then, the Swiss’s dominance has been nothing short of breathtaking. In the last 19 Grand Slam events, he has made the final in 18 of them, winning 12. Add to that the four more he won in 2003 and 2004, and you get the most successful tennis player of any era. His success echoes his overwhelming talent. He doesn’t serve as fast as Roddick, his ground strokes may not be as powerful as Nadal, and his movement around the court might be a tad short of Murray’s. Yet he is deficient in none of these areas, and the sum of their parts has created

Tiger Woods Since the latter half of the 1990s, Tiger Woods has dominated golf in a way which has left the rest of the professionals playing for second place. It took him just 42 weeks after turning pro to gain the top spot in the rankings, and has a virtual mainstay there ever since. Initially, Woods was blitzing the competition. In the 1997 Masters, his margin of victory equated to 14 strokes, with a final score of 18 under par after four rounds. As equipment changes came into force, and more and more golfers were able to match Woods’s phenomenal driving range, his all-round game and mental toughness has come to the fore. In the 15 tournaments where he has been either had the outright lead or a share of it, he has won 14 of them. Two years ago, his mental toughness and pressure-putting helped him create folklore. He entered the 2008 U.S. Open starved of match practice and an ailing left knee. He made the cut and then led going into the final day, by which time the knee was taking its toll, with Tiger visibly in pain after each

a tennis player in Federer who on his day is unbeatable. His ability to generate pace on ground strokes is so great it’s scary; no matter how well you hit the ball, Federer can hit it back twice as hard and with double the spin. Like a champion boxer, he toys with his opponents, sending them to all corners of the court before finally finishing the point off. Little wonder his opponents are usually brimming with sweat, whilst the Swiss looks like he is just going about business. Indeed, you could argue that Federer’s dominance in the last decade has led to a greater importance on the physical side of the game for his rivals. To beat Federer, you have to put yourself through the pain barrier to keep up with the merry dances he will lead you. Nadal did this in 2008, and is sadly now paying the price; the gruelling nature of his game has seen tendonitis develop in both his knees. Upstarts and pretenders to the throne may have their days in the sun, but the maxim remains the same: Federer will prevail.

Floyd Mayweather, Jr.

shot. Needing to sink a 12-footer on the final hole to force a playoff, Tiger holed out superbly. In the following day’s playoff, he again made a putt on the 18th to force a sudden death playoff, which he won. He would later reveal that he had been playing on a fractured tibia. The boy just doesn’t know how to lose. His record of 14 Majors puts him four behind the all time leader, Jack Nicklaus. Though recent revelations about his private life have meant he has suspended his golfing indefinitely, it would be a shame if he wasn’t to make a comeback in the near future. He has broken so many records for such a young age in golfing terms (34), Nicklaus’ record would surely go if Woods was to return. It would be a fitting record to break for the greatest player the game has seen.

Phil Taylor

Floyd Mayweather Jr. thinks he’s the best. Ever. He thinks everyone else out there is a bum (“To be honest with you, I normally beat guys with my C game and I don’t have to pull my A or B game out.”). This may not be uncommon amongst boxers, with trash talking seemingly par for the course. Yet with Mayweather Jr., this is different. It’s the truth. Okay, maybe not on a Sugar Ray Robinson level of immortality, but best boxer of his generation? Without a doubt. A world champion at five different weights, Mayweather Jr. has won all 40 of his professional bouts, 39 of which coming from TKO or unanimous decision. The list of his recent victims reads almost like a who’s who of boxing; Marquez, Hatton, De La Hoya, Gatti, Judah, Castillo… all have been subjected to the wizardly of ‘Pretty Boy’ Floyd, and come out worse for wear. His skill stems not from

Yes, I am serious. First of all, Darts is a sport, both in terms of the technical skill involved in being able to plant an arrow into a target millimetres wide, and in terms of professionalism and money; you don’t get paid millions and travel the world by doing a hobby, sunshine. The recent adoption of this professionalism with the irresitable growth of the Professional Darts Council (PDC) makes Phil Taylor’s achievements all the more remarkable; starting his career in an era when you could drink and smoke at the oche, he dominated Darts right the way through the Nineties and Noughties, leaving a trail of sad darts players and uncountable trophies in his wake. Just how good is he? Let me count the ways: he holds the records for the number of World Championships won (15), number of consecutive world titles (8), the highest ever three-dart average in an broadcasted event (121.79) and the most televised nine-dart finishes (7).

power-punching, but his immaculate defence and lightning quick reflexes. Mayweather Jr. just does not get hit. The Hatton bout was a masterclass in this. Hatton’s initial ferocious tempo was negated by Mayweather, who easily slipped out of the Mancunian’s range and picked him off with some slick jabs. By the eighth round, Mayweather was in complete control. Two rounds later, Hatton was down and out. This dominance is the product of Mayweather Jr.’s relentless training. Prior to the Arturo Gatti fight in 2005, a workout for the media saw him go nonstop for 62 minutes. Without a water break. This included hitting a speed bag 762 times in seven minutes, work with the heavy bag, mitt-work in the ring and a relentless skipping session. After nearly two years of self-imposed retirement, Floyd came out to face Juan Manuel Marquez last year, a n d showed no signs of ring rust. Check out his training videos on YouTube to see how sharp he looks, and prepare to be amazed. Plus at least a dozen more which I simply can’t fit in this article. Seven nine-darters may not sound particularly impressive, but let me tell you something. Prior to Taylor, nine-darters were as rare as rocking horse shit; it made maximum breaks in snooker seem like a regular thing. Prior to Taylor’s first televised ninedarter in 2002, there had been three others before him (John Lowe in 1984, Paul Lim in 1990, and Shaun Greatbatch earlier on in 2002). Since then, there have been nineteen, six of which are Taylor’s. The man has quite simply taken his sport to another level, and dragged the overall standard of play expected amongst professionals with him.

Lamenting the lack of Loeb? Riled with no Rossi? Flummoxed by the zero females? Tell us who you think should be recognised:

Rachel Spry and Alice Jefferson Sport Contributors Check out SCA’s new and exciting literacy and sport volunteering project! We are calling all students... Are you enthusiastic? Do you have great communication skills? Do you want to inspire children? If so we have the perfect volunteering opportunity for you! SCA (Student Community Action) has teamed up with RELAYS, TeamBath and Bath Spa to deliver an innovative sports and literacy project to local primary and secondary schools. What will the project involve? - Inspirational and enthusiastic volunteer leaders going to local schools and delivering literacy sessions with a sporting twist! - We are looking for volunteers who are charismatic and motivated to take these sessions in schools. You will be given structured guidance throughout with regards to what the session should include and focus on. When? - The informal training session will take place on Monday the 15th of February at 5.15 pm in 3W 3.7

- Sessions will be delivered from the 19th of April - 7th of May. The lessons will usually last one-two hours and will take place once a week but it is up to you if you would like to commit more time to the project. How can I get involved? - Email writeteam@hotmail. - Attend the training session on Monday the 15th of February. If you cannot make the training still let us know if you are interested, but volunteers who can make the training will be selected first. We cannot give exact dates due to schools availability but once we have recruited volunteers we can see when you’re available and hopefully find a session to suit you! By showing an interest and attending training you are not committed to taking a session if you cannot make the date chosen for you in semester two. You must also be able to pass a CRB check which will be carried out in the next few weeks.


Monday 8th February 2010



Yes, John’s actions were Terry-ble. Now please, can we all just move on?

Sam Foxman analyses JT-gate through his glazed monocle, and wonders whether a ‘role model’ should be so persecuted when others are not... John Terry, former Dad of the Year. Kerry Katona, former Mum of the Year. I bet Ronnie Wood is preparing his acceptance speech for Grandad of the Year as we speak. This is one of the jokes doing the rounds about England’s esteemed captain in the wake of the lifting of the injunction preventing one of Britain’s most reputable newspapers from printing a story about his seedy nocturnal activities. It’s always fun to mix humour and moral outrage, particularly if one is a tabloid journalist, and no better opportunity presents itself than a wayward sporting hero, or in this case John Terry. This isn’t the first time that accusations of this sort have hit the red-top headlines about this particular England ‘star’. Tiger Woods, he did it too. Quite a bit, by most accounts. Even more by some. And they’re not alone in the roster of sportsmen caught exploiting their celebrity and wealth for sexual advantage. If I had fame and wealth I think that I might at least think about doing something similar. But they are married, they should behave better, perhaps. We expect a lot of celebrity sportsmen because they earn so much money, and because all celebrities occupy a space in the public eye where minor failings are magnified. And because frequently they exploit their position, by which I do not mean to refer to the abovementioned nocturnal activities. I mean that they win ‘Dad of the Year’ awards, or they develop an image as a family man in order to market their brand and earn endorsement deals and so on.

“Tiger Woods, he did it too. Quite a bit, by most accounts. Even more by some.” This isn’t an issue of sport alone. Note the public outcry over the indiscretions of a certain crevice-faced, foul-mouthed celebrity chef, though one is inclined to suspect that reservations in his restaurants and viewing figures for his

UNCERTAIN: Terry’s future as England and Chelsea captain is far from clear. Above, the central defender yet again gets close to some Totti. programmes and sales of his books will not be significantly impacted because people who eat food, being marginally more rational than people who are sports fans, know that it would take an absurd commitment to an extramarital affair for that affair to impact on the quality of food or cooking instruction that one can receive. And similarly managers, like Sven or Avram Grant who ‘play away’ do not receive the level of condemnation that sportsmen themselves receive. They do not have the pressure of being ‘role models’. Ashley Cole was caught doing 104mph in a 50mph zone. When questioned by police as to why he was speeding, he said: “l’ve just heard JT is

parked outside my house!” But this is a bit different from your standard celebrity extra-marital affair. Far from being some alcohol fuelled incomprehensible error (Ashley Cole) or a series of mistakes with a flotilla of starstruck women (Tiger Woods) this is a sustained affair with a team mate’s significant other, and that might raise questions about trust. As the joke above implies, how can you be happy to have a captain who might sleep with your girlfriend? So for all of the moral relativism and the ex-post justifications about how this needn’t impact on his football, it is a worse situation for a role model to find himself in than is typical, and it might not unreasonably impact

on his captaincy. England manager Fabio Capello phoned Wayne Bridge and said: “John’s lost the captain’s armband.

“He’s the Premier League’s second most angry man.” Can you do me a favour and have a good look under your bed for it?” John Terry is a good leader. But he’s a much more divisive figure than the previous incumbent. David Beckham was less of a leader, but he played outside England and seemed like a pretty nice sort of chap, which made him a unifying figure. Even before

his affairs, John Terry played for and captained a team that a lot of people really do not like, and he’s the Premier League’s second most angry man on the pitch - behind beetroot-face Jamie Carragher. So perhaps once you add in the fact that if he gets subbed off before the 60 minute mark you should probably cling on to your girlfriend for dear life it would be better if John Terry vacated the captaincy a few months before the World Cup, having led us through qualification, after a drawn out selection process in the first place. Ok. Maybe not. Perhaps what the players should do is forgive a man his humanity and behave like professionals. We can always hope.

GravityVomit bring the circus (skills) to town Owen Greenaway Contributor The Bath UpChuck is a one day juggling and circus skills convention run by Gravity Vomit, being held Saturday 27th February on campus. The event will consist of workshops and games during the day and a professional show in the evening. The workshops will range from “how to juggle three balls” and basic hulahooping, all the way up to advanced staff moves. The Founders’ Hall will be full of beginners, amateurs and

FUN: Enjoyment for all at UpChuck.

professional circus skill performers who are always willing to help you learn a new trick or demonstrate their latest achievement. The event will conclude with an amazing professional performance in Uni Hall, paid for with generous funding from the ICIA. Tickets are £4 for the day event, £4 for the evening performance or £7 for both. So whether you’re an expert or have never juggled before, why not come along, join in and enjoy the show. For more information, visit


Monday 8th February 2010


Thrills are up in the air

Will Arnold reminds us why skydiving is a must... I know what you’re thinking. You think that to be a skydiver you need to have bleach blonde hair, piercings and a couple of tribal tattoos, call everyone “dude”, and talk about how rad/sick that last move was. So you may be surprised to know that none of this is true. Studies have actually suggested quite the opposite - that the average skydiver was highly motivated and had above average intelligence. These high achievers were more likely to take calculated risks in order to achieve their goals when compared to their more conservative counterparts, hence their

attraction to the sport. And the studies just reflect what you can see for yourself: our dropzone is regularly filled with students from all over the South West who like to spend their weekends messing about in freefall with their friends. When we’re not jumping we sit around drinking tea (or beer), stick each other to chairs with duct tape and talk about how awesome it would be if we could pass our degrees by chucking each other out of planes. In September an article was printed in impact about skydiving, and about why it’s a surprisingly safe way to get

above THE CLOUDS: Not looking down isn’t an option.

a massive rush and a massive thrill. We then took away 24 students to our local dropzone in Netheravon for a weekend’s training. These nervous, apprehensive, excitable students then spent a whole day studying how a parachute works, how to get out of an aeroplane door in a stable fashion, how to avoid landing on a cow, what to do if your first parachute doesn’t agree with you (whip out a second one!) and how to shout really loudly. Once the instructors were happy they were ready, each student donned their meticulously checked equipment, piled into an aeroplane, and then promptly got back out again from half a mile above Salisbury plain. Every single student jumped, noone backed out or hurt themselves, and everyone came back to Bath that evening grinning from ear to ear, anxious to tell their housemates about the amazing adventure they’d just had. Still fancy giving the whole chuckingyourself-out-of-a-plane thing a go? Come along and see us at the Refresh fair on Friday 12th Feb, or check out our website at for more information. We’re always keen to hear from people interested in giving our amazing sport a go, so if you want to know if you have what it takes to jump with us, there’s only one way to find out!


Football 4ths rue mistakes and missed chances FOOTBALL MEN’S 4THS BATH UNIVERSITY




James Mirza-Davies SA Sports Reporter Bath should have gone into this match confident of getting a result having won five of their previous six encounters with the visitors. The pitch was covered with a dense layer of fog and both sides started in a rather disjointed manner, with the visitors more than happy to clear the ball as Bath tried to push forward. Bath broke the deadlock after a quick counter-attack lead to a cross from the right hand side being neatly headed in by an unmarked Dan Gwyn Hughes. Both teams sharpened up but Bath was clearly the better team at the break, and may have wished that more quality in the final third would have enabled them to start the second half with a larger margin. The College of St Mark & St John’s team came out attacking in the second half, and Bath’s attempts to maintain the momentum they

had in the first half lead to hurried play and possession being lost too cheaply. The visitors capitalised on a gamble taken by Bath’s goalkeeper who lost possession just outside the box, before the visitors slotted the ball into the empty net. St Mark & St John’s had clearly gained confidence from the goal and attempted several audacious forty yard attempts on goal. Both teams seemed unwilling to settle for a draw and the game and both seemed increasingly frustrated diving into every tackle. Bath unbelievably missed a chance to take the lead after a fingertip save was made by the goalkeeper. The ball missed the open goal and was headed against the crossbar. Ultimately, this proved to be a very costly miss. A last minute corner for St Mark & St John’s proved decisive, as the visitors took the lead and the match with a well placed header. Bath will not be happy with this result, as they were the better side according to Ciaran Gallagher, who said that “Jamie Podkowka had a shocker and should have scored at least ten.”


Monday 8th February 2010



Fighting spirit: Bath kickboxers strike gold, silver and bronze at British championships. Jennifer Scott Sport Contributor Last Semester, Bath University Kickboxing showed fighting spirit by competing in two competitions. In November Bath University hosted the PUMA British championships, which is an annual event for both Taewkando and Kickboxing martial artists from across the South of England. Our own Kickboxing club showed support for the event by sending 18 people to compete in both

Gold: Jamie Richards, Julia Reed, Anna Ross, Robert Dinsey, Matt Sellick, Ahmed Suleiman point-stop and continuous categories of sparring. The club was particularly successful at this event, coming away with six gold medals, five silver medals and five bronze medals. This achievement was especially commendable since

WINNERS: The University’s kickboxing team; not actually rockstars.




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Silver: Nicola Blackwood, Lucy Armstrong, Vito Tomasi, P a t r i c k F. B r e w e r , Anthony Shum Kickboxing walk away with so many medals. Another major event in the Kickboxing calendar was the biannual varsity Fight Night against Loughborough University. It was held in December at Loughborough to a crowd of nearly 600 people. There were 13 semi-contact fights (worth one point each for a two minute round) and two full contact fights (worth two points each with two 2 minute rounds). Bath pulled

Kickboxers: Trophies + flowers = impromptu posing and semi-nakedness. out all the stops this year to train for the event, with 4 training sessions a week! Bath Kickboxers won eight fights and Loughborough seven, but unfortunately, as their full contact fighters were more experienced,

Bronze: Rachel Spry, J o n n y W h i t e , Pe t e r Hachfeld, Dan Parker, Xiaoyu Zhang Loughborough triumphed 9-8. This March (date to be confirmed)

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only 2 days previously Bath University Kickboxing held the biggest grading in the club’s history, with almost 60 people attaining new belts. This meant that for most competitors, they would be fighting in a higher belt grade category than that they would have done two days before. As this was the first competition of the year (and the first ever fight for many), it was great to see Bath

Runners Up: Chris Bolus, Sarah Goring Bath will host a re-match against Loughborough, and this time our fighters will be out for revenge. If you are interested in trying out Kickboxing for yourself, this Semester we will be offering membership at a reduced price; just £10 for the rest of the year’s sessions, which happen three times a week! If you have any questions please feel free to email the club (see Bath Student for details).



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sport impact

Aerial reconstruction of ‘Creation of Adam’ gets mixed response. Skydiving, page 30

Hockey boys succumb to Exeter

PUNISHED: Bath fail to clear an Exeter short corner, and after a short scramble in the D, are made to pay the price as their opponents take the lead through Ollie Richards’s finish.

Bath were made to pay by Exeter for some hesitant defending as the visitors to the STV came away with the win. Poor visibility and a slippery pitch meant it was never going to be a classic, so adapting to the conditions would be paramount. In the end, Bath succumbed to the pressure mounted by their table-topping opponents. The opening twenty minutes was a good indicator of the rest of the game, as both teams got to grips with each other. As both teams began to settle though, Exeter

exerted their authority by playing possession hockey. A short corner for Exeter in the first half however changed all that. The ball was played to the edge of the D and a shot came in that was saved. A scramble ensued, and Ollie Richards pounced to send the ball into the goal for a 1-0 lead. The goal seemed to spark Bath into life, as they sought to restore parity. Later in the first half they did just that. Exeter conceded a short corner, and the ball was played to the edge of the D. The receiver cleverly played a quick pass to the left, taking the majority of the onrushing Exeter defence out of the game, leaving the Bath attacker to lash the ball home. With the half coming to an end soon after that, you sensed the momentum had swung in the home side’s favour. Sadly, that was an inaccurate prediction. Exeter came out determined to show why they have

nominations for the Blues Awards will be open from Monday 8 Ferbuary. The Blues Awards are a formal celebration of the achievements of the University’s sportsmen and women over the past year, as well as recognition of the commitment of individuals to sport at the University of Bath. The 37th Annual Awards Dinner, where the awards will be presented will take place at the

Assembly Rooms on May 12th. Individuals’ achievement and effort in sport is recognised by three categories of award: Colour, Half Blue and Full Blue. For commitment to the running of sport, the following awards are presented: Honorary Colour and Honorary Blue. There are also a number of special awards presented to individuals, teams and clubs for outstanding achievement.





Sean Lightbown Sport Editor

been so remarkably successful this season, and were showing greater urgency in harrying Bath players and keeping possession themselves. For a brief period early on in the half, each of Exeter’s forays forward were met with panicked, long clearances from the home side, meaning Exeter could easily retain the ball and mount another attack. Yet continuing Exeter pressure left gaps in their backline. A swift and excellently-executed Bath counter attack was only spoiled by the final path, which was just to far ahead of the unmarked attacker’s stick. Had he controlled it, he would almost certainly have put his side ahead. Bath paid the heaviest price for this, and for some sloppy play in the centre. Exeter’s continuing pressure eventually told as another goalmouth scramble saw Daffyd Owen poke the ball home from close range.

Joy and DESPAIR: Bath’s equaliser (top), and bottom, disconsolate Bath players after Exeter’s winner.

Nominations for Blues Awards set to open

ben RUSHGROVE: Sports Personality of the Year 2009

If you know someone in your club whose achievements, commitment and/or attitude to sport are worthy of recognition, then take a look at the award criteria and start thinking about who you would like to nominate. The criteria for each award can be accessed on the sports section of the bathstudent website. Alternatively, visit this URL: bluesawards

TEAm spirit: Judo collecting their award for 2009’s club of the year.

Bath Impact Volume 11 Issue 9  

The University of Bath Students' Union newspaper