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that it was a hasty mistake. However, to say that your son and you believe immaturity could be a culprit in the demise of their marriage, let’s be honest. Fourteen months hardly sounds to me to be a long enough period of time for your son and his ex to be mature enough
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handle on how and why they behaved so impulsively and to better understand themselves and their actions. After a decent amount of work, and a sustained interest in dating one another, I would suggest that in conjunction with them dating, they see a couples therapist together. F u r t her more, no hasty decisions. No four dates and they are off to the races. They need to give the relationship time to determine whether there is enough there to make it stick.
Showing love and concern for your son, his well-being, and his future is always a parent’s place.
One divorce per couple is bad enough – two, ridiculous!
The Navidaters Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists
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to not repeat past mistakes. As you said, what we, the panelists, think may not be heard by your son, but in a perfect world in which your son would ask for and listen to advice, I would suggest that both he and his ex each enter their own individual therapy to get a better
cannot tell you whether them dating again is worth pursuing or a “crazy idea.” You haven’t shared any details about why this marriage broke down and ended in divorce over the short course of a few months. Chalking it up to some generalized immaturity doesn’t give any sense of what actually happened between your son and his ex-wife. Thinking that the only reason they are getting back together is due to loneliness doesn’t sit right with me, either. It all seems very simplistic. I sense that you don’t have a close relationship with your son, which is either by one person’s design or an arrangement that makes the most sense for both of you for personal reasons. I agree with The Mother in that I think there is a lot you don’t know about your son and his marriage. Entertaining your immaturity theory for a moment… if this is truly the world’s most immature couple – taking a marriage and divorce so lightly, entering and exiting like you would break a car lease – if they have not been through intense therapy or in a process of active and meaningful personal growth, then the likelihood that they will make it a second time around is probably very slim to none, as old patterns are highly likely to repeat themselves once the honeymoon period wears off, which, in their case, is going to be incredi-
bly fast. In my experience, when frum couples divorce after a short marriage, there is either something very important that was withheld from one or both parties when dating only to be revealed after the marriage; there was abuse, addiction or infidelity; or there was the realization that they rushed into this and were not a suitable pair. Ultimately, you have no control over what these two do. Whether they’re immature or gave their divorce great thought, if they want to date, they will find a way to date. It is their decision to be made. When we have no control over a situation (as is often the case in life), we have to ask ourselves, What is my role? If you haven’t done so already, and your relationship allows, I think that as his mom you should actively show him that you respect his thought process and share your concerns with him. If you haven’t asked him already, you absolutely should ask him what happened the first time around. “Look, Dad and I love and respect you and understand that ultimately this is your decision. But we are your parents and we are very concerned about you and Shira dating again. We are here for you. Can we talk?” He may not want to answer, and you will have to respect that choice
and give him space. But showing love and concern for your son, his wellbeing, and his future is always a parent’s place. As his mother, you can encourage him to seek professional counseling to help facilitate his personal growth as he makes this decision (nudge him once or twice... don’t hock him a chaynik). In order for them to have any chance as a couple, he needs to understand what his role was in the breakdown of their marriage (and she does as well. If her mother wrote in, I would say the same to her). A qualified therapist will help him do this work. If your son “follows his own heart” and doesn’t listen to you, but is respectful and polite, then that is fine. But if he doesn’t listen to you because he is not open to any feedback and/or if he responds to you with anger or hostili-
ty, then he has to work on these traits before he can make this or any other relationship work. Wishing you and your family all the best. Sincerely, Jennifer Esther Mann, LCSW and Jennifer Mann, LCSW are licensed psychotherapists and dating and relationship coaches working with individuals, couples and families in private practice in Hewlett, NY. Jennifer is looking forward to teaching a psychology course at Touro College in the fall. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 516.224.7779. Press 1 for Esther, 2 for Jennifer. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email thenavidaters@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.
Hi Readers! Receiving your enthusiastic emails wanting to participate in the Reader’s Respond section has been wonderful! Just a reminder about how Reader Response works. Email thenavidaters@gmail. com with the subject line “Reader Response.” We will then ask you, in the order we receive your email, if you would like to respond to the coming week’s email. If you would like to respond to an already printed Navidaters Panel, please submit your answer to the editor at editor@fivetownsjewishhome.com. You can also join us on our FB page @thenavidaters on Sunday evenings to post your response to the week’s column. Interacting with you has been a pleasure! Thank you for all of your feedback. Esther and Jennifer