Parenting Pearls

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

As parents, we all want our children to grow and reach their potential. It’s a challenge to create the correct environment that is conducive for each child. There are many children who sometimes need a gentle push to get them going; even adults sometimes need a little fire lit beneath them. It’s important to maintain a proper balance so our children feel encouraged and not pressured.

A few months ago, upon the encouragement of a healthcare provider, I joined a women’s fitness class. I showed up punctually that Thursday morning in front of Warren Levi Karate and hurriedly got ready for a kickboxing class. I enjoyed the class immensely but couldn’t help noticing how much more fit the other women were than me. I will confess to feeling a little inadequate (read: pathetic) but it didn’t take long for me to realize that while I felt frustrated by what I couldn’t do, others weren’t judging me. There was an understanding that everyone was at their own level and that everyone encouraged each other. Recently, it struck me how powerful a motivator it is to be accepted where you are while still being encouraged to reach further.

One of my children had trouble learning to read. As he was homeschooled, he never had someone else to compare himself to and he never felt inadequate as a person. He did learn to read despite his many struggles but he never lost his self-esteem. Too often, children (and adults) judge themselves using those around them as a guideline. This can easily leave a struggling child without confidence and without their self-worth. Well-meaning adults can push a child down even further by pointing out the child’s failure with the hope that it’ll fuel his/her will to succeed. own strengths and weaknesses. It’s usually counterproductive to compare children, especially in front of the child. If you see your friend’s similarly-aged infant is babbling and yours isn’t, then by all means contact your pediatrician and ask if you should be concerned. If you see your third grader struggling in math but their classmate isn’t, then feel free to reach out to their teacher and mention your concerns. But don’t comment in front of your third grader. It’ll only make him/her self-conscious. Even young children will often notice when they’re struggling, and commenting in a judgmental way is simply salt in their already sensitive wounds. It can be helpful to ask your child if they need help or what is difficult for them in math but avoid mentioning their classmate. I’m not suggesting you can’t discuss the issues but to caution you to think carefully in advance how you want to word it. There is a very fine line between helpful and hurtful.

It’s too easy to comment on how their sister is better at something or ask why they can’t do it if their brother can. These comparisons are easy to make and very common but still hurtful. We also don’t want to create friction between our children. In these situations, we can easily imagine feeling hate towards our sibling rather than love and inadequacy rather than encouragement.

Everyone develops at their own pace, and most children will reach each milestone. It’s helpful to bear in mind that some kids do need more time than others. As an example, while most kids start walking around 12 months, some start as young as nine months while others wait till closer to 18 months. There is a wide range of normal, and it’s important to remember that as our children are continuously growing and reaching each exciting new stage.

Again, if you have any doubts as to whether or not your child is on target for development, you should certainly mention it to the appropriate professionals. I only mention it as a reminder for parents to take a step back. You want to first see if it’s a fair expectation and whether or not you should be concerned. Only then can you make an appropriate game plan. children (and ourselves) can’t do but not on what they can do. Especially when children are struggling, it’s important to allow them to taste success in their strengths.

“Success breeds success” isn’t just a cute line. The capable-feeling child is the one that has the drive to push themselves. You only aim for where you hope you can reach. When you see yourself as someone who can accomplish great things, you will continue even when it’s hard. Someone who sees themselves as a failure has no reason to challenge themselves because they don’t feel they can do more.

Feeling successful is important for another crucial reason. So much of a child’s self-worth is tied to their academic accomplishments. It’s no exaggeration that school is a major part of their young life and is their main occupation during that time. A child that has academic difficulties can too quickly label themselves as “the dumb kid” or worse. Sadly, kids in a class usually know who is ahead academically and who is behind. This is a real challenge for students.

Having self-esteem is so crucial for everyone, and it’s truly hard to regain after losing. Without a healthy dose of self-esteem, children can become susceptible to other issues. The importance of recognizing one’s own worth and value is beyond the scope of this article but it’s definitely worthwhile to look into more in-depth.

Build your child up. Recognize their other successes, whether it’s music, sports, or art. Encourage their strengths. It’s the struggling child that needs those strengths built the most.

We often limit our praise to academics and don’t acknowledge outside accomplishments. This is not to deny the importance of education. I firmly believe in education – enough that I spent extra years studying it and over a decade practicing it. Respect-

ing your child’s other successes won’t take away from your value in their academic accomplishments. When you and your third grader both feel your child’s other successes, then you have a healthier place to bring up their math struggles. They will be better capable of realizing that they’re not defined by their math struggles.

I will not say all competition is bad because most things are tools that can be used for the good. Unfortunately, too often, competition is encouraged in an unhealthy manner. It’s important to be mindful of how and when you’re encouraging competition. Most of the time, we don’t even realize we are creating a competitive environment.

It’s in our hands to create a home environment that is conducive to growth and limits painful competition. As an example, my fitness class mentioned above allowed me to see the capabilities of others without creating a toxic environment for me. I could see where to reach without thinking less of myself. I’m able to be encouraged based on how much I’ve personally improved over time. Unfortunately, if done incorrectly, the

same type of class could create unhealthy expectations and feelings of inadequacy. In a toxic environment, I could feel bad about myself or risk injury trying to prove my worth. Younger people are no different, and they can go to unhealthy levels to feel accepted or respected.

You may have noticed that many schools and learning programs have changed the way children can earn points for competitions. Rather than requiring each child to do the same thing or reach the same goal, they now allow each child to earn points based on a variety of criteria. For example,

rather than requiring each boy learn the same number of lines of Gemara, boys can pick from a preset amount of Gemara, Chumash or Mishnayos. This allows each child to compete and accomplish on their own level. Two boys may earn the same number of points but learn vastly different subjects. Each child is given the chance to taste success at their level rather than the same overachieving students winning again and again.

Competition, when used appropriately as mentioned above, can be a tool to encourage resistant learners. But it’s important to ensure realistic and fair goals for each child. You want to encourage, not discourage. Truthfully, it’s a hard balance, and it takes a lot of thought and knowledge of your child to set the stage properly.

By allowing our children the freedom to be themselves, feel successful in their various talents, and showing them healthy goals to aim for we can create an environment for children to reach for their potential and realize their own immense value.

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.

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