OCTOBER 29, 2015 | The Jewish Home
Between the Lines
Advice about Advice
THE BALTIMORE JEWISH HOME
52
NOVEMBER 17, 2016
14
By Eytan Kobre
The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself. -Oscar Wilde
B A LT I M O R E J E W I S H H O M E . C O M
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hen a newly-graduated educator was asked to address the topic of parenting, she spoke of “Ten Commandments of Parenting.” After having a child, she was invited again to speak about child-rearing, and her speech was entitled, “Ten Suggestions for Parents.” After having another child, she spoke again, this time about “Ten Helpful Hints for Parents.” After her third child was born, she stopped giving parenting advice. Commanded by G-d to circumcise himself and his household, Avraham sought the advice of his three giant friends: Aner, Eshkol, and Mamrei (Tanchuma, Vayera 3; Bereishis Rabba 42:8). Aner and Eshkol warned of the various dangers of circumcision; only Mamrei reminded Avraham of all that G-d had done for him in the past and encouraged him to perform the circumcision.
For this, Mamrei merited G-d’s appearance in his estate (Rashi, Bereishis 18:1). The whole episode underscores the dual nature of advice. That Avraham – of all people, the first human to recognize G-d – sought advice regarding G-d’s direct and unequivocal command speaks volumes about the need to consult others. Regardless of what advice Avraham actually sought (see e.g. Sifsei Chachamim, Kli Yakar, Chizkuni on Bereishis 18:1), this surely appears to be a case where advice was unnecessary. And, yet, Avraham did not hesitate to seek it from others. Asking for guidance isn’t easy. William R. Alger was spot-on in acknowledging that “we give advice by the bucket, but take it by the grain.” Consciously or otherwise, we feel that seeking counsel makes us seem inferior or is demeaning. But it is a critical element of informed decision-making (Pele Yo’etz, Eitza). Even “G-d does not do anything unless He seeks advice from the Heavenly Court” (Sanhedrin 38b), and He sought such advice before creating the world and mankind (Tan-
chuma 1; Bereishis Rabba 8:8; Rashi, Bereishis 1:26). “More advice [is] more understanding” (Avos 2:7) because it allows us to consider varied perspectives – even if we end up choosing our own (R’ Ovadya of Bartenura and Ruach Chaim, Avos 2:7; Responsa of Rashba 1:48). But if Avraham’s actions showed us the importance of seeking counsel from others, Mamrei’s emphasized the duty to dispense it to others, which is why he merited to host G-d in his estate (Da’as Torah, Bereishis 18:1). Giving good advice – even (especially?) to those we don’t like – fulfills a positive commandment (Sha’arei Teshuva 3:53-54; Pele Yo’etz, Eitza), whereas giving bad advice violates two prohibitions: “Do not wrong one another” (Rashi, Vayikra 25:17) and “Do not put a stumbling block before a blind person” (Sefer HaChinuch 232; Rashi, Vayikra 19:14 and Toras Kohanim ad loc.). Indeed, our standard text of confession seeks forgiveness for “advising badly,” which bespeaks the prevalence and magnitude of this sin. We are notorious for giving advice – even when it is unsolicited. Every Jew
claims to have “the” answer to all the world’s ills. Ask two Jews, get three opinions, right? But not all advice is, well, advisable. Sound advice requires not merely knowledge but also perspective. That is the reason that “fifty is the age for advice” (Avos 5:21), that we are to “listen to the elders and not to the youngsters” (Nedarim 40a), that “advice is not found in youth” (Shabbos 89b), and that “those who heed the advice of elders will not stumble” (Shemos Rabba 3:8). Because sensible advice is not purely a matter of intellect; it depends upon the perspective that comes only with experience. Advice also should be offered only by those free of personal interest in the outcome and unburdened by their own biases and subjectivities (Mesilas Yesharim, Chapter 11; Meiri, Mishlei 20:18). As Hannah Whitall Smith observed, “The true secret of giving advice is, after you have honestly given it, to be perfectly indifferent whether it is taken or not, and never persist in trying to set people right.” So we are to “be careful of one who advises you ac-
cording to his way” (Sanhedrin 76b). Because the core prohibition against giving bad advice – i.e., “placing a stumbling block before another” – is less about objectively poor advice and more about “manipulation for your own advantage” by failing to disclose personal agendas or ulterior motives (Rashi, Vayikra 19:14 and Toras Kohanim ad loc.). Such biased advice, observed the Sochachover Rebbe, is more misguided than directions given by a blind person: a blind person sees nothing, whereas advice given with a stake in the outcome sees things backwards. There once was a shochet – an occupation traditionally held by the G-d fearing – who espoused anti-Torah ideologies. When R’ Yehoshua Leib Diskin learned of the shochet’s untoward beliefs, he very much wanted to persuade the shochet to find another line of work, so he directed his students to encourage the shochet to come seek his advice. But when the shochet actually consulted R’ Yehoshua Leib, the students were surprised to learn that their rebbi advised him to continue his work as a shochet. R’ Ye-