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OCTOBER 3, 2017 | The Jewish Home OCTOBER 29, 2015 | The Jewish Home
OCTOBER 10, 2019
58 will be a lot easier to manage. If you are having trouble on our own, seek help from a therapist to give you techniques on setting healthy boundaries and fortifying a healthy communitive relationship with one another.
The Single
THE BALTIMORE JEWISH HOME
Tova Wein
S
adly, I’ve seen this scenario play out more times than I’d like to admit. The strong, scary, all-con-
trolling, mother/mother-in-law who calls all the shots and where everyone in the family, usually including her husband, are afraid to challenge or disappoint her in any way is not unheard of. This is not going to be easy for you because once a culture is thoroughly embraced by all family members it’s virtually impossible for anyone to break out of the system. The good news is that you’re noticing this dysfunction early on in your marriage, before you too have joined into the family culture. Right now, you need to be very strong and firm with your husband and explain
Pulling It All Together The Navidaters Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists
B A LT I M O R E J E W I S H H O M E . C O M
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irst, validation. And lots of it. A husband’s first priority is his wife. Children are second, then parents and in-laws. You do not have children yet, which makes his parents his second priority. The issue is that when he acquiesces to his mother’s demands, he naturally makes you his second priority. This is a bad feeling. You can have a wonderful day together, enjoy his company, admire him for so many of his other wonderful attributes. But knowing that you are number 2 will always be in the back of your mind, or at the forefront. If this feeling and issue are not dealt with appropriately now, I can almost guarantee you it will permeate into every area of your marriage. Generally speaking, what happens is the “unprioritized spouse (US)” grows to resent the other spouse. He/ she learns that this person cannot meet her needs. He/she will eventually stop trying to connect with the partner, and the marital bond is damaged. The US either completely disconnects or turns elsewhere for connection.
The issue here is not your mother-in-law, believe it or not. The issue here is your relationship/at tachment/ connection with your husband. You could tell me that your mother-inlaw has fangs and blood dripping down her chin, and I would remain unconvinced. Yes, she does seem like she is quite the piece of work, but she doesn’t interest me. What interests me is that your husband has not made you his Number One…yet. I have to wonder if you saw the signs before you got married. It is unlikely that she was Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice and then turned into Cruella de Vil. (Might be the case, I’m not discounting it completely.) I would bet that there were signs. I am taking this opportunity to make a Public Service Announcement: If you have any concerns during your dating and engagement period concerning the relationship, unhealthy relationships with family members, money, priorities, person-
to him that the way his mother behaves and the way he reacts to her are not acceptable. This will very possibly be news to him because he’s probably so indoctrinated into his mother’s ways. But don’t back down. Keep at it and help your well-intentioned husband see how his mother’s demands over you two is unhealthy and will only get worse with time. If you husband fails to be able to accept your message, drag him to a couple therapist so that your beliefs will no doubt be confirmed by the therapist. Perhaps your husband will need to continue on individually to learn how to manage his mother better. It
alities, the past, drug use, smoking cigarettes, etc. please spend time in PR E-M A R I TA L C OU N S E L I NG . In pre-marital counseling, couples make sure they are on the same page and talk about the areas where they are not on the same page. And then they decide if they can accept their differences. Do not get engaged before you feel 1,000% sure that you are making the right decision. What I want you to walk away with from this response (and the panel’s response) is that you do not have to accept the behavior of your husband. It is unacceptable. Have a conversation. Tell him how you feel. Being that he has grown up this way, and you see how all his siblings tremble in fear around their mother, my intuition tells me that he isn’t going to change overnight. I want you to be prepared for that. My intuition also tells me that he is a good guy, and he simply hasn’t developed the awareness that what he is doing is wrong. I think the two of you should be in couples therapy now and work on this until it is resolved. What would resolution look like? Your husband acknowledges the problem. Your husband validates your feelings. Your husband makes changes. He tells his mother “Sorry
Do not get engaged before you feel 1,000% sure that you are making the right decision. will probably be a scary process for him, but if you want your marriage to feel balanced and normal, get busy!
Mom, but we are going to my inlaw’s for yom tov.” Or, “Sorry Mom, I can’t help you put in that lightbulb at 9:47 PM.” He is willing to put you first, no matter what his mother’s reaction may be. You feel like your husband’s Number One priority. And you have to do your part, too. Tell your husband how you feel about him never backing down to his mother. Speak up for yourself. Own it. Never doubt it. Tell your husband what you want, in a loving but firm way. “We just went to your parents last yom tov. I’d like to go to my parents this chag.” My hope is that with some couples’ therapy, you and your husband can work this issue out. Give it some time in therapy, and my advice is not to make any major decisions or major changes right now until you have some resolution and you feel confident in your new role as wife. All the best, Jennifer Mann, LCSW Esther Mann, LCSW and Jennifer Mann, LCSW are licensed, clinical psychotherapists and dating and relationship coaches working with individuals, couples and families in private practice in Hewlett, NY. To set up an appointment, please call 516.224.7779. Press 1 for Esther, 2 for Jennifer. To learn more about their services, please visit thenavidaters.com. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email thenavidaters@ gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.