Questions to Ask Before Embarking in a Successful Marriage:

According to Nise, who is a relationship trainer at Bayside Marriage Counseling in Pensacola, the purpose of an engagement is to actively sort out and resolve concerns, problems, or doubts that would get in the way of a marriage; still, many couples focus on planning their one special wedding day without taking much time to figure out the rest of their lives. Here are some suggestions for problems and discussions for couples to tackle during their engagement: stress?

What happens when you get stuck in traffic with your partner? Do they experience varying levels of road rage? What about when they have multiple work deadlines lined up week after week? The early stages of a relationship denies people the opportunity to see what their partner is like under pressure, but plenty of pressure comes after decades of marriage. This is why it is all too important to understand how spouses handle pressure together—whether they may want to isolate, run or work together to resolve the issue. Nise says that it is imperative to understand that marriage is the most successful with maturity, which is the ability to manage frustration without acting out.

Are there any residual emotional health or substance abuse issues left for us to tackle?

Although problems with substance abuse can develop over time in a marriage, it is common that there have been signs of the problems long prior to engagement without being talked about or acknowledged. Couples should take time to examine theirs and their partners’ relationships to substances. Additionally, talk about any emotional health problems that may emerge: anxiety, depression, insecurity and more. In an American Psychological Association interview, Arthur Aron, PhD said: “If you’re anxious, or depressed, or insecure, it’s very hard to feel happy in your relationship. Initially, you might be, but then you sort of start blaming it on the other person or you just go back to being unhappy.”

finances?

How do you plan to divide chores? Does the couple plan to save money over long periods of time or short bursts? Even if gender roles are not present when it comes to housework and finances before marriage, they may seep into married life, especially in heterosexual relationships. Take the time to communicate preferences and annoyances about divvying up responsibilities and managing the checkbook. While a couple may not want to fall into a platonic day-to-day wandering, learning how their partner operates as a roommate may help. Nise discussed that couples should have detailed and flexible goals for all kinds of things like finances, careers, health, fun and adventure, savings, retirement and parenting.

How will children fit into our life?

While a couple’s answers to this question may constantly change over time, it is important to touch base as frequently as possible. If two people are on opposite sides of the issue, they may not be best suited to each other for marriage. The kids topic may be a hard one to tackle, so it’s important to discuss it early and often. What happens if a couple cannot have biological children? Are fertility treatments or adoption an option? What is the plan for balancing couple time and kid time? It will be good to know if one half of the couple is expecting to continue their weekly night out.

Ideas to Never Stop Dating Your Spouse:

Even after a couple has taken the plunge and married their loves, it’s important to keep dating their spouses. By definition, a date is where one person actively plans a period of time, activity or event that they know their partner will enjoy and make them feel special. A date should not only be going to eat, and it does not include children, or discussions about children or money. Love is an act of giving. “Loving someone is not about how you feel, it’s more about how you make the other person feel,” Nise said. With Nise’s help, we have made a list of some tried-and-true date ideas for couples to try out for themselves.

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The Book of 1000 Questions:

Couples can sit down together, pour a glass of wine, put their feet up and relax while taking turns asking and answering questions from this fun questionand-answer style book. Whether silly or thought-provoking questions, the answers may be surprising in this interesting method to learn more about a life-partner.

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Do something nice for your partner randomly: Try starting with making them their favorite meal, bringing home a card or some flowers and filling up their car’s tank with gas. Anything a spouse can do to make their partner feel special is a good idea.

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Bring a picnic to your partner at work: If one partner has a hectic schedule, consider packing up some sandwiches and fruit into a basket complete with a blanket to bring to your partner at work on a random Tuesday. Have a quick lunch in the park, sit back and enjoy each other’s company before returning to the office.

How should we balance our marriage and relationships with friends and family?

After marriage, life will become an everlasting-balancing act between the new life with a spouse and their family and the family of origin. While it is important to figure out how not to neglect family and friends, a family of origin should not have more leverage on a marriage than the spouse, according to Nise. She further explains that childhood ties must be cut in order to be successful in a new family. If a person is simultaneously trying to be a good daughter or son while being a good spouse, there’s a chance one performance may prevail over the other.

How will we handle changes and new expectations?

One thing a lot of people don’t realize is how much we plan out our lives before marriage, so when something happens that jeopardizes those plans, it can take a toll on the relationship. The other expectation that some people have is that their partners will suddenly change their ways after getting married. For example, there may be an expectation that someone who’s never been great with money will suddenly become financially responsible in marriage. Nise says that one pitfall in relationships is having a lot of rules rather than remaining flexible. She also talks about a person’s inability to notice what’s going on with the other person and being self-absorbed. If someone chooses to get married, they should marry that person as they are. If the person makes any changes, it should be based on their own merit, not their spouse’s. Try not to make the mistake of thinking that marriage will magically fix all of the problems in your relationship.

How will we communicate and work through disagreements and conflict?

Conflict is inevitable, but how couples handle the conflict is just as important as the conflict itself. Aron says that one way to handle conflict is to try to think about it from a third person’s perspective who will not take sides but still care about the relationship. After seeing the conflict from that perspective, there are some rules to follow. John Gottman explains these rules with what he calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”; the things couples should avoid in an argument are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. Shaming, guilt and withholding of intimacy should not be used as a weapon in a marriage or relationship. “Emotional and physical blackmail is what happens when you do that,” Nise said. Scorekeeping and competition has no place in a marriage, that is, unless you want to end up like platonic roommates.

How much do we value time together and our private time apart?

How well do couples share space and time? While seemingly not a huge issue in a marriage, personal space causes major conflict in big ways—he is used to going on weekly solo trips—to small ones—she likes to go shopping by herself each week. Every relationship has a variance of how much time each person needs to spend without their partner. How can a couple make sure their styles fit together into marriage? These differences can be alleviated with respect, understanding and communication. Nise says that a marriage is a team. The skill couples want to develop is not independence, but rather intradependence, meaning you put the needs of the team first, thus making your relationship more successful.

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Go for a scenic drive by the beach and blast your favorite summer tunes: Even something as seemingly mundane as a drive can operate like a date with a loved-one. Dates don’t have to be structured or expensive, just quality time making your partner feel special.

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Enjoy some coffee together on a Sunday morning: Taking a trip to Starbucks, or the local downtown cafe, for coffee and some under-the-tablefootsie can make for the perfect ending to a nice weekend.

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Expand your horizons: Take a cooking, art or dance class together to get a little more active and learn something new.