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04 April - 18 April, 2012

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Say What?

At our shop in Ubud, our friendly staff will guide you to all things of a Spiritual/ New Age nature, including: Books, Music CDs, DVDs, Crystals, Incense, Jewelry, Inspirational Cards, Candles, Yoga Mats, Meditation Cushions, Engraved Stones, Tibetan Bowls, Clothing and more… Jalan Hanoman #64 – Ubud, Bali. Tel: 0361 796 9178 C/U/G-2 Nov. 11

Question: I have been with my boyfriend for 28 years and never talked about marriage while the kids were still living at home. Well, the kids are all gone now, and I feel that it is my turn for attention. For some reason, my boyfriend is now having the need to chase after other young and wild women, and I’m not happy with that kind of life. I have the need to settle down and enjoy life. Do I need to find myself a life and move on or be patient? Neither one of us is a spring chicken. Both of us are 52 years old. Dr. ZZ: If you have been living with your boyfriend as a committed couple for the past 28 years, then the two of you need to have a good sit-down conversation about what each of you expects from the relationship moving forward. You would probably have done well to have had such a talk a long time ago. Unless the two of you are on the same page now with the kids out of the house, it may be time for you to move on, to think of yourself, and to enjoy the next stage of your life. Even at age 52, it’s not too late to leave the nest. Question: I have been facing this problem for the longest time, and I don’t know how to handle it or what to do. My husband loves me more than life, and I love him too. But sometimes I just don’t understand. We start to make love, and everything is fine. He gets hard, and I feel good that he is attracted to me. Then he will stop to perform oral sex, and he goes limp. I know he knows that I sense it. At times I want to cry. At other times, I just feel angry. It happens quite often. If he starts kissing me, he does get aroused. But when he starts to touch me and do things to me, he just dies, and it really hurts me a lot. I don’t understand. It doesn’t seem normal. When it happens, I lose interest, and I don’t feel the same. I am no longer relaxed, and things just run through my mind. I never stop though. I always finish. But I am very hurt inside. He does finally get aroused again – don’t get me wrong -- but it takes a few minutes, and those few minutes are emotional torture for me. I do love him, and I need some advice on what to do. I wish so bad that he would get aroused by touching me, but it doesn’t seem like he does. I know he loves me. I know that for a fact. I am an attractive girl. I have a few minor body problems here and there, but I honestly don’t believe any of that is the issue. If you knew him you would understand how this man loves everything about me. I wish I could understand why this happens, and if it is a common

problem for some. He knows about my feelings on this, and he does realize that it happens. He claims it is not me and swears he is attracted to me. I have never experienced this before in my life. Every partner I ever had always responded to me in every way. Maybe he is losing interest in me and doesn’t even realize it. We have been together for close to 5 years, and this problem has been occurring for the last 2 years. Please help me. Dr. ZZ: It doesn’t seem as if you are looking at this correctly. The way I understand it, your husband loses his erection when he stops intercourse for other forms of stimulating you. He then gets his erection back in two minutes when intercourse starts again. You feel like this reflects on your desirability as a woman. Yet, from what you say, he does respond to you. He simply loses his erection when not having intercourse, and he soon gets it back again when he enters you. If anything, this is common. It in no way reflects upon you. You are turning this into a rejection, which it is not. If I understand this correctly, and if you continue to be bothered by this, then I would say YOU need to speak with someone about your self esteem. It sounds extremely fragile. From what you say, you and your husband have discussed this, and he has assured you that this is not your problem. It isn’t -- unless you make it that way. Feedback: Thank you Doc. Me and my husband talked about this, and he says the same as you. He had said the same thing way before I wrote to you. I do believe I have a self esteem problem. Throughout the years, my body has changed some. I am only 30, but after having my son, I have never looked the same again. I feel like I can’t gain control of it. My husband thinks I am way too hard on myself. I think he is right though I can’t make myself believe it. Maybe when we make love I should just try to let myself go and clear my mind. Perhaps I will find that the pause in his erection is not me. Maybe I can add a little spice into it to make it aroused again. Thank you so much for your advice. I think I will see someone regarding my selfesteem. I am really not an ugly girl, and my husband thinks I make too much out of looks anyway. That could be the problem.

Dr. ZZ has a Ph.D. in Counseling and a doctorate in Natural Healing. Drawing on a background of over thirty years as a professional therapist, she offers self-help in the areas health, relationship and personal growth. All queries are answered by email and, if they appear in print, are subject to editing. Please email your questions to: <ba.saywhat@yahoo.co.id> All identifying information is kept strictly confidential.

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