AVENues Issue #54: Asexual Healthcare

ASEXUAL HEALTH CARE

FEATURED IN THIS ISSUE

3 LETTER FROM THE EDITORS

4-15 QUESTIONS OF THE MONTH

16 A LITTLE SWEETNESS

... BY KELLY

17-19 PHYSICAL AND MENTAL HEALTH RESOURCES

.... PHYSICAL HEALTH RESOURCES

.... MENTAL HEALTH RESOURCES: INTERNATIONAL

.... MENTAL HEALTH RESOURCES: USA

.... MENTAL HEALTH RESOURCES: UK

.... MENTAL HEALTH RESOURCES: CANADA

.... MENTAL HEALTH RESOURCES: AUSTRALIA

LETTER FROM THE EDITORS

Hello aces!

Welcome! In this issue, we will be looking at the world of Asexual Healthcare!

We will explore the difficulties in accessing healthcare, especially sexual health as an Asexual. Through the use of questions, we will explore personal experiences with doctors, what doctors assume with asexuals, the difficulties of proving not being sexually active. We also have art by our Creative Team

I look forward to seeing how AVENues changes in the future. Keep sending in your artwork, creatives, articles, and other items! I know you are in good hands.

A welcome to all that continue to read AVENues

Janus the Fox

Editor in Chief

EDITING TEAM

EDITOR IN CHIEF:

Jan the Fox

LAYOUT:

rainbowbarfeverywhere

CO-EDITORS:

kikuka

scarletlatitude

BENEVOLENT PT OVERLORD:

kelico

CREATIVE TEAM

kelico

NickyTannock

ben8884

CONTRIBUTING WRITERS/ARTISTS

NickyTannock

Follow AVENues on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/AVENuesAVEN/ Follow AVEN on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/AVENOfficial/

QUESTIONS OF THE MONTH

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A NEGATIVE EXPERIENCE WITH A HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONAL DUE TO YOUR ASEXUALITY? IF SO, WHAT HAPPENED?

As part of my on-going annual health check ups, I have described to several doctors a long term lack of sex with my husband, his depression due to lack of sex, and my confusion around how to handle this. Their only response was to say: “You have lost your libido. Have you tried this or that.” Even my therapists (two of them), one individual and one as a couple, have either encouraged me to see my husband as abusive, or overly sexed, or to recommend over and over again ways that we could reignite our sexual attraction: date nights, other romantic gestures, touch therapy. Neither of these approaches have helped. I am in my mid-60s.

- Anonymous

Yes I’m also non-binary asexual and I had a female nurse insist I take a shower (with their help!) and I normally shower on my OWN but not on this day?

- Stevie

The worst experience I had was trying to explain that I was asexual. The doctor could not seem to understand that it was possible for someone to simply have no desire to do those things. While the medical care I received was spectacular, the experience was extremely frustrating. I no longer make assumptions on the level of awareness in health care professionals.

- Tori No.

- Anonymous

Answering questions about sexual history was very-anxiety inducing in my 20s, especially when I had annual appointments with my gynecologist and knew I would be asked about any changes at the next appointment. It felt like I was racing against time to hit a milestone. Now when I see a new doctor they seem to only ask about current sexual activity, which feels like less pressure

- Lisa

I went to a sex therapist because I wanted to figure out if I was asexual or what else it was that made me not crave sex in any way or think or care about it whatsoever. When I first met her, before even getting to know anything else about me, I told her that I felt like I could be asexual. She told me that calling oneself asexual was becoming more of a modern trend and told me, “we will fix this’’. At the end of our course she prescribed me feminist porn.

One thing I figured out for sure: sexism does not seem to be the reason for my asexuality,

- Sara M.

My psychiatrist (a senile old man from South Africa) wouldn’t believe me no matter how much I attempted to explain. I just started lying after a while. I haven’t been honest with any medical staff since.

- tiloulou

Yes. I was asked by a healthcare provider if I was sexually active and told her no and that I never would be. She and her nurse looked at each other and smirked as if I was crazy.

- Mary No.

- Ashmita Subba

Not exactly a negative experience, but I can’t go to a gynecologist as of now because I can’t tolerate being touched down there.

- Merry

Not really.

- Anonymous

Yes, often doctors assume I have a very active sexual life just because I’m married so I sometimes have to do random pregnancy test or std test (my husband and I only have sex when I’m comfortable which takes long space of time between)

- Carol

Conditioning therapy

- Sabe

My Psychologist during my anxiety attack therapy asked me when did you have sex ? He said: I think at the end I have to have sex with you myself!!! It was gross ... disgusting.

- Marynaz

When I was younger (teenaged -- and living in the US), they acted as if I were a stupid kid who didn’t know what I was talking about, and couldn’t be taken seriously.

- Anya

HOW DO YOU TALK TO YOUR HEALTHCARE PROVIDER(S) ABOUT YOUR SEXUALITY, IF AT ALL?

When I asked, I described either my own depression or my husband’s depression. I was more depressed when I was still trying to have sex, and hating it. Since I have taken sex off the table (a couple of years since), it is more a question of how to live with his unhappiness. I am an open person, so I tend to give at least part of the picture when asked.

- Anonymous

Nothing bar just my chosen name change to Stevie

- Stevie

I don’t talk about it

- Anonymous

I don’t.

- Lisa

I am not telling them in a coming-out way. Until now it has been more about asking questions concerning asexuality and whether I was asexual.

- Sara M.

I don’t try to anymore. I feel like it causes a lot of pontification. I don’t want to be on a soapbox every time I need medical assistance. If I disclose I’m asexual but don’t explain, it just raises a lot of suspicion.

- tiloulou

I usually don’t, because I don’t go to an OB/GYN so it rarely comes up.

- Mary

I’m closeted

-

Ashmita Subba

Pretty well-known in my experience. The few people I have discussed it with have known what it is, or only needed a brief reminder or explanation.

- Cinda

I’d rather tell them that I’m a lesbian than talk to them about my asexuality. I fear that they would medicalise and pathologize my orientation. But as of now it has never come up, though I fear that this might change in the future.

- Merry

I don’t. I’ve talked to my therapist about it though - Anonymous

Not really, it’s easier to just avoid it - Carol

I don’t, because my doctor is very hetronormative and the “one life path fits all” viewpoints that I’ve learned to not even dare thinking about bringing it up with them because I highly doubt they’d understand let alone accept my asexuality fully.

- Anonymous

I’m clear and straight to the point about my identity and morals.

- Sabe

I would prefer not to talk that much about it.

- Marynaz

I have completely avoided healthcare as an adult. I live in the UK now and am registered with the NHS and a GP though, and I wrote “asexual and celibate” on my forms where it asks about sexual orientation.

- Anya

BASED ON YOUR EXPERIENCE, HOW DOES THE MEDICAL PROFESSION IN YOUR COUNTRY VIEW ASEXUALITY?

They see it as a problem, as a lack of hormones (particularly post menopause), as driven by some kind of trauma, and/or as something that can be “fixed” by counseling. I was made to feel like a repressed old maid.

- Anonymous

Not well, I guess, similar to the UK.

- Stevie

Overall I would say the view in my area is one of generally respectful curiosity. They always seem surprised or ask questions about urges or day to day life, levels of happiness, or things of that nature.

-

Tori

No experience.

- Anonymous

It doesn’t seem to be very aware of it, or else seems to view it as abnormal. The default assumption (U.S.) is that not only are most people sexually active, but that planning for future futility is a top priority for any young woman, which is a whole other frustrating thing. Also, having a primary care doctor run a pregnancy test without telling me, to “rule it out” for the symptoms I’d been having, when I had already told them I had not had sex was infuriating and humiliating.

In general, I haven’t had much experience with doctors bringing sexuality and orientation into the discussion. To be honest, I probably wouldn’t want them to, but it definitely shows when they’re bringing hetero- and allonormative assumptions to their approach.

-

Lisa

I have only had two experiences in a medical setting. I think that medical profession either oversees/ignores asexuality or that medical profession succeeds to educate about it, when one seeks those kind of information actively

- Sara M.

[South-eastern USA; city] With a grain of salt. Most staff are not likely to accept without questions. Very uncomfortable questions.

- tiloulou

That it’s just people who have issues with having sex,either mental or physical, and just need proper treatment.

- Mary

I’m from Bhutan and the spectrum of gender and sexuality is not much known to people

- Ashmita Subba

I don’t have a lot of experience in regards to this, but I fear that most would not know about asexuality as a valid orientation.

- Merry

Often as a dysfunction or an oddity

- Anonymous

Nonexistent.

- Carol

Here in America it’s very hit or miss on how accepting (if at all) they are not only nationally, but also on the local and state levels. You might find one person who’s accepting and one who’s not right next door to them. It gets or at least feels alot worse for those of us who live in rural areas or have bad insurance and the likes, because we can’t afford to try to find the often rarer accepting doctors and have to just hope what is available isn’t too ace-phobic.

- Anonymous

Non-existent. Something a drug can fix.

- Sabe

Almost nothing

- Marynaz

I’ve not been brave enough to find out yet.

- Anya

WHAT ADVICE CAN YOU PROVIDE FOR ASEXUALS WHO ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH ADDRESSING THEIR SEXUALITY WITH THEIR DOCTOR?

I guess I would say to myself and to anyone else that they should find the right doctor or therapist who asks better questions.

- Anonymous

For GPs it’s very important but in a hospital setting probably less important unless it impacts the person’s time in hospital, as it had in my case.

- Stevie

Most doctors do care about both your physical and emotional health. If it is difficult to talk about, perhaps try writing out a small note you can hand to the doctor. Explain your position and feelings. I did this once or twice and always had very good reactions.

- Tori

I’m one of them, so can’t give any advice.

- Anonymous

I assume most doctors have a pretty clinical view of patients’ sexuality, so if it has to come up I look at it as just one of the many embarrassing things a doctor might ask about that they really are

not judging you for and will forget about as soon as they’re on to the next patient. But if a doctor ever does make you feel embarrassed for it or shows surprise or a negative reaction, find a new doctor.

- Lisa

I do not have any advice.

- Sara M.

That it’s just people who have issues with having sex,either mental or physical, and just need proper treatment.

- tiloulou

Just be upfront and tell it like it is. If they give you grief then educate them.

- Mary

Believe in yourself. What you feel matters!

- Ashmita Subba

Just don’t tell them (in most cases it shouldn’t be necessary). If it is necessary to tell them that you didn’t have sex or didn’t have sex with someone who could get you pregnant, lie. Tell them that you’re a lesbian, waiting for marriage or something else that suits your situation and can help to keep you safe. Find GRSM-supportive doctors if you absolutely have to tell them.

- Merry

Making it clear that you haven’t been sexually active for x period is helpful for doctors sometimes.

- Carol

Don’t. Find a doctor who is accepting. Don’t force yourself. You’ll only get hurt in the crossfire.

- Sabe

Well have the courage to talk about it anyways its who you are and you have to accept it.

- Kym Marynaz

Not that I know of.

- Anonymous

I don’t have any, but I need this advice!

- Anya

WHAT CAN THE MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL DO TO BETTER UNDERSTAND ASEXUALITY AND SUPPORT ACE PATIENTS?

They should start by fully understanding the wide and complex spectrum of sexual preferences, desires, and confusions that their patients might present with. When someone is still very confused themselves and can’t declare forthrightly that they are such and such a label or set of labels, they need to start from the basis that the person they are looking at: 1) is trying their best to sort through how they present to the world and in their intimate relationships; 2) may have some trauma in their background, but may not want to be defined by said trauma; 3) is unique and complex 4) can change over time; and 5) mostly needs support in the form of being told that they are allowed to be exactly who they are despite marriages, children, stigmas, fears, and other people’s judgments. Clear, explicit questions, in my opinion, can work best as a way to help someone figure out who they are.

- Anonymous

I think as with any person’s medical care and sexuality, a simple sentence– I gather you’re asexual if you require anything let us know.

- Stevie

Education. It is normal and ok for some people to be asexual. This does not mean that hormone level tests or evaluations should be offered. It feels like they are saying I am broken when they do this to me, but I know it is done out of concern so I never say anything.

-

Tori

Don’t just assume people over a certain age are sexually active; at the same time, really think about what questions about sexual history are necessary and how they could be presented to remove pressure. Maybe set out information about different types of sexualities, including asexuality, for your patients, so they can not only educate themselves but also feel safe asking questions (obviously educate yourself as well so you can answer them). And if you’re in an area of practice where sexual activity is likely to be important to discuss, consider intake questions that will give you context about the patient before speaking with them. Not just

sexual orientation (if that’s even allowed to ask), but attitudes, beliefs, and questions they might have about sex. I think even people who are very sexually active probably have questions they’ve been too afraid to ask about sex, so giving that opening when they’re filling out the paperwork could help break the ice. As an asexual person, I would also feel a sense of relief and inclusion to see it acknowledged that sex can be a difficult and confusing topic! Even for many adults who aren’t asexual.

-

Lisa

Listen, try to understand, be aware of the existence of asexuals

- Sara M.

We’re not disclosing that we’re asexual to our own benefit. Divulging that you’re asexual causes more harm than good, in my experience.

If someone tells you they’re asexual, take them seriously.

- tiloulou

Read up on it and don’t view asexuality as anything other than a sexuality like all others.

- Mary

Be open minded and less judgmental.

-

Ashmita Subba

Acknowledge that it’s a real orientation and not some sort of hormone imbalance or mental disorder.

- Merry

Don’t assume things and don’t assume every problem is a sexual transmitted disease

- Carol

Do a course. Talk to people. Please. We have feelings. You can’t fix us,so, understand us.

- Sabe

Just to act us as a normal person as other sexual orientations.

- Marynaz

Accept our existence, and not pressure us to be allo/straight/”normal”.

- Anya

A LITTLE SWEETNESS

by NickyTannock

Physical Health Resources

• PopSugar Fitness (https://www.youtube.com/user/popsugartvfit)

“POPSUGAR Fitness offers fresh fitness tutorials, workouts, and exercises that will help you on your road to healthy living, weight loss, and stress relief. Check out Class FitSugar, our do-it-along-with-us real-time workout show to sweat alongside fitness experts and Hollywood’s hottest celebrity trainers. Class FitSugar regularly covers the most buzzed-about workout classes and trends, including the Victoria’s Secret workout, Tabata, P90X, Bar Method, and more.”

• Yoga with Adriene (https://www.youtube.com/user/ yogawithadriene)

“Our mission is to connect as many people as possible through high-quality free yoga videos. We welcome all levels, all bodies, all genders, all souls! Browse our library of free yoga videos to find a practice that suits your mood or start a journey toward healing.”

• Body Project (https://www.youtube.com/c/BodyProjectchallenge)

“High energy, motivating workouts to do from home. We created Team Body Project to share our passion for exercise and excellent movement with others who want to feel good about their body and experience great health.”

Mental Health Resources

*If you or someone you know is currently experiencing a mental health emergency, please call your local emergency services (911, 999, 000, etc.).

International

• Check Point (https://checkpointorg.com/global/)

Websites and emergency contact numbers listed by country.

• 7 Cups (https://www.7cups.com/)

Call

USA

• SAMHSA (https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/nationalhelpline)

“SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/ or substance use disorders.”

• IMAlive (https://www.imalive.org/)

Online crisis help chat

• Mental Health Foundation (https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/)

Information and resources for mental health.

• Together UK (https://www.together-uk.org/)

Online and in person help

Canada

• Crisis Services Canada (https://www.crisisservicescanada.ca/en/)

Call and text services in English and French.

• Canadian Mental Health Association (https://cmha.ca/)

Information and resources.You can look up information based on your location.

Australia

• Lifeline Australia (https://www.lifeline.org.au/)

24/7 crisis support through phone, text, and online chat.

• Kids Helpline Australia (https://kidshelpline.com.au/)

Resources for kids and adults.

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For every a ce flag bar of soap sold, we’re donating $1 to ace organizations! This includes AVEN, Asexual Outreach, and local groups. On top of that, for every aro themed bar of of sold, we’re donating $1 to an aro organization called AUREA.

I can ship to North America and Europe right now. If you want to order soap and don’t see your country listed as an option, get in touch with Heart via PM on AVEN or use the “Contact Us” page on the website and I’ll figure it out!

For our 55th issue, we will be exploring Aro and Ace alternative Valentine’s Day celebrations. Exploring what we do differently on the day!

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