The Metropolitan
March - April 2020
The Bogeyman Dan O’Neill - Managing Editor
Pandemic casualty: the handshake Things will be different when things get back to normal, if you follow.. With society already trending in a sociallydetached direction, the new normal will be even more impersonal, advanced by the Covid-19 pandemic mitigation. The residue will impact a number of behaviors, on numerous levels. But one thing seems certain, the handshake is about to become a thing of the past. It will not go quitetly, mind you. In households where the handshake has been taught, nurtured and celebrated as character defining, the culture will continue to be encouraged. Understandable, nothing wrong with traditional values. But my father had health issues as a child, which rendered his right arm and hand essentially inoperable. He was left handed by default. I am right handed, as is a large percentage of the world’s population. Point being, in my house, the handshake was about as emphasized as accordion licks and juggling tricks. I don’t remember ever shaking hands with my dad. So, either the moral reputation of the handshake is overstated, or I’m eligible for handicap parking. Mind you, over the years there has been a disparate price to be paid for stunted handshake acumen. For instance, I once shook hands with Arnold Palmer, the biggest mismatch since Mike Tyson fought Michael Spinks. Palmer’s hands were capable of turning raw coal into diamonds - instantly. His handshake was essentially a hydraulic press. Bottom line, it’s never been fair to the rest of us - the handshake-impaired - to have to “put ‘er there” in such circumstances. You take your life into your hands, literally. That said, the handshake has been a significant piece of golf etiquette, a staple of sportsmanship. No proper round of golf ends without caps removed and hands extended. It suggests a couple of things, 1. no one is packing and 2. everyone is leaving on good terms. But that was then and this is now. We’re all coming out of this COVID-19 chapter in our lives a bit more germaphobic than we went in. Human hands, even frequently washed ones, are basically toxic crockpots. The 6 degrees of where they’ve been and what they’ve touched during the course of a day is never-ending. Clasping one, after 18 sweaty holes of golf, might be honorable, but henceforth it also will be considered risky. A firm handshake might say a lot to some people, but one thing it doesn’t say is “germ free.” So where do we go from here? Fist bumps or the high-fives do not transmit germs as generously as the handshake, but only to a lesser degree. What amount of transmission is acceptable, and what are the alternatives? The Carol Burnett ear pull, the Miley Cyrus twerk, ”The Sting” nose flick, the peace sign - Ringo Starr’s favorite, the bow - perfectly proper in Asia ... or maybe just just the simple tip of the cap? Whatever it is, it probably won’t be the handdshake. And from a handshakeimpaired perspective, I’m ok with that. The pressure’s off. 6
